Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Man Law

Somewhere in a secret location, sequestered away in a glass box sits the tribunal of Man Law. Therein the sages of our days come up with laws to guide men's action on topics of the day. Without laws we cannot have civilization. Without Man Law we might accidentally break the sacred oath of man and do something horrible like waste beer. Sitting on the tribunal is exactly who I would want in charge of Man-norms: Jerome Bettis (man-law tribunal beats NFL network any day of the week), a former WWE wrestling champion (HHH), some one-armed dude, Eddie Griffin (his days as a he-pimp in Deuce Biglow got him the gig), and of course Bert Reynolds. Now personally I'd add Chuck Norris (can never have too many roundhouse kicks), Dirk Diggler (no explanation is necessary) and one of those super intelligent chimps from the space program but that's just me. Alongside my suggestions for who should be on the committee I'd like to add a few additions to the great tome of Man-law.

1. There's No Crying in Baseball- Of all people I least expected to break this sacred law was Frank Robinson. Frank Robinson is old school. He wants his pitchers to pitch inside if not "stick it in their ear". He's more than willing to stare down an ump. Yet Frank, last week, broke the simple rule: There's no crying in baseball over yanking his catcher. Look Frank, it doesn't matter if the result of your managerial decision ended the chances for world peace or something really important like stopping Ben Affleck from being in the news; there is no crying in baseball. Its one of the central tenants of all life: meat is better than veggies, don't get in a land war in Asia and there's no crying in baseball. Rogers Hornsby was my manager, and he called me a talking pile of pigshit. And that was when my parents drove all the way down from Michigan to see me play the game. And did I cry? NO. NO. And do you know why? Because there is no crying in baseball.

2. Starbucks - I couldn't exactly put my finger with what went wrong with Peter King until I re-read his little coffee nerdness part yesterday and then it dawned on me, its starbucks. Frappucinos, moccachino's , or basically any coffee that is priced at more than 5 dollars a cup is against man-law. Coffee should be blacker than Donald Rumseld's soul. It should be strong enough to strip paint or cause ulcers. Drinking coffee from Starbucks on a regular basis will lead one to predict the New England Patriots will be in the Super Bowl each year, for five straight years (including this year). Can he make the case for the Patriots? Sure. Its just his reasoning is so full of holes as he tries to find reasons why HIS favorite team will win that its laughable (much like watching a Ben Affleck movie). His reasoning of an easy December schedule for Pats romp to the Superbowl screams forced reason. The Browns have an easy December schedule and that doesn't mean much. Somehow the Colts losing Triplett and Thorton on defense is too much but the Pats losing McGinist, Vinateri, Givens, etc. is no problem. Somehow Carolina relying on rookie running bank Deangelo Williams is a minus but the Pat relying on rookie Laurence Malroney is a plus. Yeah I'm sure in Pete King's world Belichek and Parcells is some wet dream which is because Pete King goes to Starbucks. Pete King's ridiculous logic is also a result of Starbucks. His hatred of offensive language is just a result of him ridiculously white (I'd also add in desperate need of a blowjob). Nonetheless Pete King your violating man-law on the grounds of over consumption of Starbucks and as such you will be dealt with.

No comments: