All the King's Horses and All the King's Men...

...couldn't sew that filthy sweatervest back together again.

If Jimbo is gone...what are you going to do, F*ckeyes, when Hokeamania runs wild on you?!?!

Cue the entrance music, baby!

The Idiocy of the Selection Committee

Disclaimer: whereas 10 years ago I could name 2 or 3 starters on most every Tourney team, this year I can't even name one player on two of the #1 seeds.

But I can do math, and I'm not stupid - which apparently disqualifies me from being a member of the NCAA's Selection Committee. Explain this to me: why are the four play-in games for two #16 seeds, a #12, and an #11? What is the logic behind that?

As I see it, there's only two ways to handle a 68-team field: all of the play-in games must either be for #16 seeds, representing the 8 worst teams of the field, or for whatever seed number represents the 8 worst at-large entrants (i.e. the last 8 in). It would be most logical to have the 8 worst auto qualifiers - but I could understand the Committee not wanting to totally crap on those conferences by making them earn the right to get slaughtered by Duke, so I could understand having a play-in for the UABs and Clemsons of the world to fight it out for a #12 seed.

But what makes ZERO sense is to have the play-ins staggered as in this year's bracket. Why is it that SE #11 seed Gonzaga only has to win 6 times to win the title, but in the Southwest, USC or VCU must win a 7th game - and they're #11 seeds, too?!?! Consider that in '06, George Mason made it to the Final 4 as an #11...so we can't say "Oh, it doesn't matter, these teams will lose anyway." It does matter; these at-large teams and these #11/#12 seeds are fully capable of making a run into the Sweet 16 or farther. The inequity in allowing three #11 and #12 seeds a pass into the true first round, while forcing 4 other teams to play an extra game as the same seed number, is absolutely illogical and indefensible.

The Four Greatest Words in the English Language

"Pitchers and Catchers Report"

Happy spring, everybody!

An Open Letter to the New York Jets

Dear New York Jets,

Please shut the F up. Do you know how hard it is to get the rest of the country to cheer for New England? And yet you're making it very easy for us to root for Brady & Co. to stomp you like they did in your last meeting.

So shut your pieholes and focus on getting ready for the game. Your jobs are to play football, not to run your mouths.

Sincerely,

NFL Fans Everywhere

Chin Up, Browns Fans

You've got this nugget of history going for you.

(h/t Deadspin)

A Fitting Farewell

Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, Brett.

Legends and Leaders?!?!

Are you f'in kidding me?

Epic fail.

Ron Santo, 1940-2010

A career .277 hitter with 342 home runs and over 1300 RBI.

A five-time Gold Glover and a nine-time All-Star.

A role model and an inspiration to generations of Cubs fans.

A hero to thousands of children afflicted with juvenile diabetes.

Above all, a legend and a class act.

Rest in peace, Ronnie.

How did we miss this?!?!

Alas, we will not be able to call former NBA bust Shawn Bradley "Representative Bradley".

Darn.

Bobby Thomson, 1923-2010

Many casual fans have never heard of Bobby Thomson. In his time, he was a good-but-not-great outfielder for 15 seasons between 1946 and 1960, with 264 career home runs and three All-Star appearances.

But Bobby Thomson is an unmistakable and unforgettable part of baseball history. It was his three-run home run in the bottom of the 9th, in the final of a best-of-3 playoff series in 1951 - "The Shot Heard 'Round the World" - that gave the New York Giants the pennant over the Brooklyn Dodgers.

There have been many dramatic homers in baseball history, but what sets Thomson's bash apart is the famous radio call by Russ Hodges. Hodges' account of this great moment still gives me goosebumps, every single time I hear it. It is arguably the greatest piece of sports broadcasting in history; and if not the greatest, it is certainly among the first and most important sports broadcasting moments.

Here's the call, overlaying the television feed. Enjoy it - and Bobby, rest in peace, and thanks for giving us a sliver of history that we'll always cherish.

The BSD National League All-Star Roster

As this blog's resident National League columnist, I hereby present to you the unofficial Official Back Seat Drivers National League All-Star Roster!

I have selected 34 players to fill the 34 roster slots. Following ASG rules, there is at least one player representative from each NL team. The selections have been made without regard to current injuries or fan balloting; i.e. this is my set of picks for the entire roster, as if I got to choose the entire 34-man team.

Let's get to it:

Catcher:
Starter: Miguel Olivo, Colorado. Olivo has been the best offensive catcher in the league - hitting .312, with 11 dingers, 36 runs and 39 rbi. He's also nabbed an incredible 53% of runners trying to steal on him. An easy choice to start.
Reserve: Brian McCann, Atlanta. There really isn't a good 2nd choice. I'm going with McCann because he's got the best offensive numbers among the league's regulars - but even his stats aren't compelling (.260-9-33).
Just Missed: None.

First Baseman:
Starter: Joey Votto, Cincinnati. Pujols is the reflexive choice, but Votto's been just a tad better (.314-18-55-51 runs-7 SB). Votto's also a huge reason why Cincinnati is surprisingly in contention.
Reserves: Albert Pujols, St. Louis; Adrian Gonzalez, San Diego; Ryan Howard, Philadelphia. Pujols' numbers are just behind Votto's; he's putting up a typically amazing season. Gonzalez is once again toiling in obscurity, even with the Friar's success - but with a .297-16-51 line, he absolutely belongs here. Howard is quietly putting together another terrific campaign (.297-15-55).
Just Missed: Adam Dunn, Washington.

Second Baseman:
Starter: Chase Utley, Philadelphia. Unlike previous seasons, his offensive numbers aren't head-and-shoulders above his peers - but he's still been all-around terrific, and he has the highest UZR rating (that's a fielding metric) to boot. But not a slam-dunk decision this year.
Reserve: Rickie Weeks, Milwaukee; Martin Prado Atlanta. Weeks is putting together a great season, hitting .273 with 13 homers, 51 runs, and 47 RBI. Prado has led the league in batting average for most of the season, and has been a key cog in Atlanta's early success.
Just Missed: Brandon Phillips, Cincinnati.

Third Baseman:
Starter: David Wright, NY Mets. The power is back - 14 homers to date - and he's still running and hitting. Clearly the best at his position in the NL.
Reserve: Scott Rolen, Cincinnati; Ryan Zimmerman, Washington. Never thought you'd see Rolen in another ASG, did you? Well, with a .302 average and 17 bombs, he's an obvious choice. Zimmerman is still the best young player on an unknown team (sorry, Mr. Strasburg, you're not quite there yet), hitting .283 with 13 HR and 40 RBI - and we need a National.
Just Missed: Casey McGehee, Milwaukee.

Shortstop:
Starter: Hanley Ramirez, Florida. .296 average, 12 HR, 15 SB - and that's after a relatively slow start. Like Wright, he's the best at his position.
Reserve: Jose Reyes, NY Mets. Concerns about Reyes' production coming off an injury...look stupid now. He's got 19 swipes to go with a .277 average.
Just Missed: None.

Outfielders:
Starters: Ryan Braun, Milwaukee; Colby Rasmus, St. Louis; Justin Upton, Arizona. Nobody really stands out as the top two or three, but I'll say: Braun's numbers are down slightly, but he's still at .295-11-49-49 and 11 steals. Rasmus is tops among NL outfielders in OPS, with 16 homers to go with a .274 average. Upton's batting average is down but his power and speed are not (.269-14-39-48 runs-11 SB)
Reserve: Corey Hart, Milwaukee; Andrew McCutchen, Pittsburgh; Andre Ethier, Los Angeles; Carlos Gonzalez, Colorado. Hart leads all NL OF with 18 home runs and 60 RBI. McCutchen is having a nice season with .297 and 19 steals, but he's here mostly because he's a Pirate. Ethier's injury diminishes his numbers a bit, but .312 with 12 homers gets him in. Gonzalez is a budding star, at .295-11-49 RBI-12 SB.
Just Missed: Matt Holliday, St. Louis.

Starting Pitchers:
Starter: Ubaldo Jimenez, Colorado. Can there be any doubt? He is an amazing 14-1, with a 1.83 ERA and 1.05 WHIP.
Reserves: Tim Lincecum, San Francisco; Josh Johnson, Florida; Adam Wainwright, St. Louis; Roy Halladay, Philadelphia; Yovani Gallardo, Milwaukee; Chris Carpenter, St. Louis; Mat Latos, San Diego; Clayton Kershaw, Los Angeles. In any other season, Lincecum and Johnson would be compelling candidates to start - they've been amazing (especially Johnson, over the last two months). I'd love to have any of these guys on my team.
Just Missed: None, although a good case could be made for the Cubs' Carlos Silva, the Giants' Matt Cain, and the Mets' Mike Pelfrey.

Relief Pitchers: Brian Wilson, San Francisco; Carlos Marmol, Chicago; Heath Bell, San Diego; Matt Lindstrom, Houston. As in years past, there are many closers who could be taken. Wilson, Bell, and Marmol are easier choices; Lindstrom is here because we need an Astro.
Just Missed: Francisco Rodriguez, NY Mets; Jonathan Broxton, Los Angeles.

Husker Do?

How was it left to me to write the post on the imminent college football conference expansion/realignment?

Today's news is that Nebraska will, in fact, jump ship to the Big Ten and become its 12th member. Math professors everywhere are crying into their pocket protectors, and the rest of the college football world is left reeling...and scrambling.

The next domino to fall appears to be the addition of six teams from the Big 12 to the Pac 10 - Texas, Texas Tech, Texas A&M, Colorado, Oklahoma, and Oklahoma State. The major consequence of this move is the death of the Big 12.

From there, you'll find rampant speculation about the SEC adding teams in order to prevent the Pac 10 from becoming the dominant football conference and about further Big 10 expansion, and eventually the downfall of either the ACC or Big East and the consolidation into four "mega-conferences". Nobody's explaining exactly how one of those conferences will implode, though - which makes me think that it's just puffery by columnists who need to find something to write about, so they make it up.

The better questions, to me at least, are as follows (in no particular order):

1. Is it really in the best interest of the Texas Six to move to the Pac 10? That's a long way to travel for all of those schools [other than Colorado]. Further, if their goal is to ensure that they're part of a major/BCS conference, it would seem that they could just as easily stick it out with the other five Big 12 members (Mizzou, Baylor, Iowa State, KU, and Kansas State) and then add a few teams...perhaps Utah, BYU, TCU, and the like. Now I understand that the Pac 10 schools are sexier than these possible additions to a still-existing Big 12...but I find it curious that nobody seems to be seriously considering such an option (or even writing about it).

2. Assuming the Texas Six bolts...what happens to the Missouri Five? There's all sorts of consternation at these schools - especially at KU - about having their big-time programs being left in the lurch. This should be particularly concerning to KU, KSU, ISU and Baylor, because Missouri, at least, has been rumored as a possible Big 10 expansion candidate, and because these four don't have a natural geographic home among the other major conferences. I say: why doesn't the Mountain West snap these up? The MWC is already considered the next-best conference after the BCS, and geographically the addition makes sense. The MWC might even be able to make a play to replace the Big 12 as the 6th BCS conference.

3. If the Missouri Five don't latch onto the remaining BCS conferences or the MWC - what the hell happens to them?

CHAMPIONS!

If You Didn't Enjoy Last Night's NCAA Title Game...

...then you are not a sports fan.

Hats off to Duke and Butler on a terrific game and terrific seasons. Alas, if only Heyward had taken just a teeny bit off each of those last two shots.

The Four Greatest Words in the English Language

"Pitchers and Catchers Report"

Happy spring, everybody!

Shut Your Piehole! Super Nonsense Edition

Super Bowl XLIV is in the books, and the talking heads now have to make sense out of what happened tonight. ESPN's John Clayton - "The Professor" - begins his column with this nugget of wisdom:

"Although [Peyton] Manning might be one of the greatest game managers and quarterbacks of all time, yet another Super Bowl slipped away."

"Yet another Super Bowl"? Last time I checked, this was Manning's second appearance in the Super Bowl - and he won the first one. Oh, and he won the MVP in that game, too. Which other Super Bowl has Peyton Manning let slip away?

Perhaps Clayton means that Manning has blown opportunities leading up to the Super Bowl, i.e. he missed a chance to even get to the Big Game. Let's look at his playoff statistics. Nope, that doesn't make sense, either: Manning has a career 87.5 playoff passer rating, and in the three seasons since the title in 2006, his lowest-rated game is 87.9. Yes, I see that Peyton had bad games in the Colts' last playoff games in 2002 and 2003 - but are we really going to say that he's a playoff bust based on those old numbers, when he's generally excelled and won a Super Bowl since?

This is yet another example of a journalist trying so hard for the zinger that he ends up making no sense whatsoever. They call this guy "The Professor"? What does he teach - typewriter maintenance at the Rocco School for Women?

John Clayton, we're revoking your tenure. Now SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE!

Shut Your Piehole! Starving Cacti Edition

The new ownership of my beloved Chicago Cubs recently studied whether the team should relocate its spring training home to Florida - and ultimately decided to stay in Mesa, Arizona, where the team has trained for the better part of the last 60 years.

Most Cubs fans and players were happy that the team is staying in Mesa - but 1960s-era second baseman Glenn Beckert thought the team made the wrong decision. Why?

"Florida produces a lot of world champions."

Now it's true that only 4 of the last 20 World Series winners trained in Arizona. It's also true that the Cubs have reportedly gone quite a long time since their last title. But come on! Does anyone really think that a team's spring training site is a determinant of their win-loss record? That's totally asinine.

Mr. Beckert, you're still loved in Chicago from your playing days. If you want to hold onto your fame - for pete's sake, SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE!

As If We Needed Another Reason to Despise the Minnesota Vikings

Minnesota is leading the Cowboys 27-3 with just two minutes left to play. They've got the ball at the Dallas 11 on a 4th-and-3. Dallas is out of timeouts. What do the Vikings do? Unbelievably, they call a fade pattern for tight end Visanthe Shiancoe. Favre hits him in the end zone for another touchdown. Final score: Minnesota 34, Dallas 3.

Dallas linebacker Keith Brookings rightly labels this stunt as classless. I'd go farther and say that this was a horrible and unnecessary example of a complete lack of sportsmanship.

Quick: name the last time a team that scored 3 points in 58 minutes went on to score 24 points in the final 120 seconds. What's that? You think there was a chance the Cowboys scored three TDs with three 2-point conversions in that time - with no timeouts? Ok, I'll give you that. Then the Vikings should have kicked the field goal. Surely, Dallas might be able to score three times - but not four!

This is the team that featured Daunte's Sex Boat Adventures...that inexplicably and conveniently sold out their historic hatred of the Packers in embracing #4...and now pulls this crap. My question: is there a more classless organization in the four major American sports?

The Vikings are an utter disgrace, and I hope with all of my heart that Brees & Co. stomp all over them next Sunday.

Sometimes When You Win, You Actually Lose

Let me start by applauding the BCS selectors and bowls for getting the 10 most deserving teams into the five big BCS games. Given how the end of the season played out, giving the at-large berths to TCU, Florida, Boise St., and Iowa was absolutely the right call.

Now: as you all know, I've been a big proponent of Boise State this season. I think they're one of the best teams in the country, and that they rightfully earned their place in the Fiesta Bowl - even though, under the BCS' weighted rules, the Broncos had no guarantee of a berth.

But the matchup against TCU is a hollow victory. The main thrust of my advocacy was that Boise State and TCU deserve a chance to prove that they can run with the big boys. They're missing that chance now. The Fiesta Bowl might end up being an incredible football game between two outstanding teams - but it has no long-term value for either side because what they really need, and deserve, is a chance to show what they can do against the bigger names.

I suspect that the Fiesta Bowl's organizers decided that TCU and BSU fans would travel, thereby making this matchup a financial success. But it is a curious decision, especially given that the Fiesta Bowl had the 2nd and 4th picks of the 5 slots - and in any event, even if the Fiesta Bowl wins, the Horned Frogs and Broncos will inevitably both lose.

Huzzah! The 2000th Post!

Fortuitously - and, perhaps, not coincidentally - this post is the 2000th on this blog!

If there's one thing we do well here, it's to point out the inconsistencies and absurdities about the sports we love. So what better way to celebrate this blog's growth and success than to open the floor for nominations for the Ozzie Guillen Go Fuck Yourself Award for November 2009?

Remember, you've got to offer something your nominee(s) did in November to merit this very special award. Let 'em fly...