2008 NFL Preview

The NFL season is attacking like Arnold on a steroid's bender. So once again I get to humiliate myself by making picks that will probably turn out to be completely and totally false. Like most sports enthusiasts making yearly picks I can follow one of two strategies. I can be a sheep and follow the trend setters and historical winners. Yeah I'm really out on a limb picking New England or Indy winning it all

Mighty Mike if he goes with the Pats

The other strategy is to do something completely off the wall. If things end up right then you are hailed as a genius. Things fall flat and well people tend to forget your insane picks. Unless they don't and they you have to beg and plead for another chance.

Hillary Fisher always goes with the precarious pick. It's why she's attracted to my bad ass ways

As part of the great compromise I'll make two sets of picks. The standard following the herd method and the has legs and hope the heels don't get caught in the tractor method.



AFC - Safe

1. New England (easiest schedule)
2. San Diego
3. Indy
4. Pittsburgh
5. Denver
6. Jacksonville

NFC - Safe
1. New Orleans
2. Dallas
3. Seattle
4. Minnesota
5. Philadelphia
6. Washington

Super Bowl: New England over New Orleans


And now the crazy need 2 months of yoga to contort into this position before making crazy animal noises albeit the safe word is banana type of decision

AFC- Crazy
1. Indy (Dungy ascends to heaven during halftime show)
2. San Diego
3. Cleveland (Mighty weeps with joy)
4. New England (Brady is hurt on and off)
5. Houston
6. Toronto (Bills move to Toronto mid-way through the season becoming the first team to win multiple home games in different cities)

NFC Crazy
1. Dallas
2. Tampa (Gruden builds the QB he wants out of the remains of Unitas)
3. Green Bay (Tavaris Jackson is that bad)
4. Arizona (I said crazy dammit)
5. New Orleans
6. Giants (Giants make the playoffs again driving MJ into a rage when Eli outplays Peyton)

San Diego over Dallas (Dallas winning a playoff game? Yes that is crazy)

NFL Preview Part III: AFC Fallers

While the NFC has had teams bounce around like me at a mosh pit, the AFC playoff picture has really been a picture of stability. Honestly in drawing up a list of those AFC teams that made the playoff last year who might not make it this year do I even bother making comments on Indy and New England? For them its all about the health of Brady and Manning. Both are coming off injuries really for the first time in their careers. However none of the injuries appear lingering, debilitating or ultimately team destructive. How do I know this? I don't have the first clue. But until there's evidence it affects their regular season play I'm not even bothering listing them falling. So out of the remaining 4.....

1) Tennessee - Lets be honest the Titans only made the playoffs last year because the Colts rested their entire team and then didn't even try in the final week. That's it. They haven't drafted well as they now have 7 running backs (including Vince Young). If anyone screams natgonnahappen its the Titans.

2) Jacksonville - This is less a direct commentary on Jacksonville then it is on their division. I'm willing to argue the AFC South is the most competitive division in the AFC (maybe the NFL) and any slip up could spell the Jaguars missing the playoffs. 2nd year quarterbacks sometimes take steps back as teams get better at game planning. The idea of that Fred Taylor will be healthy for two straight years might be a stretch. Oh and that once vaunted DL is way down (they still can't bring in their top draft pick).

3) Pittsburgh - Personally I think Jacksonville is a better team. Pittsburgh has THE toughest. Their offensive line last year was near atrocious and thats before they lost Alan Faneca (not to say Faneca is his old self but is the replacement better). And now they're star NT that really anchored the D was out with being a big fatty. So with all these negatives whats the positive. Its the AFC North. Baltimore won't compete given that they don't actually field a QB. Cinci could surprise some teams if they can avoid arrests and find a healthy RB. The big question is the Browns. Can they finally beat the hated Yinzers? That'll determine who will take the AFC North

4) San Diego- Similar to Pittsburgh if not San Diego who else can the West? Denver is relying on Jay Cutler to manage the offense and his diabetes. The chargers seem to have less margin this year as Michael Turner is gone, Antonio Gates is still hurt and I think River had his leg replaced with some sort of cybernetic implant. I'm betting the Chargers will continue to rule the West but it seems much less secure on paper....

NFL Preview Part II: NFC Fallers

As sure as teams go up they inevitably go down. Certainly while its unknown which of the playoff teams won't make the playoffs some of them won't. So who will it be? Well last year I sure blew it on New Orleans so take everything with a grain of salt but in order of most to least likely to miss the playoffs

1. Tampa Bay - How long can ride the Jeff Garcia train? Yes they have solid lines but uncertainty at the running back position, aging star receiver and Jeff Garcia. Add in my prediction of a resurgent New Orleans and Tampa is my top selection for missing the playoffs.

2. New York Giants - The past few years the losing team of the Super Bowl failed to make the playoffs the following year. Why? Well I have a theory that the losing team strung together improbable successes, played over their head, had off-season issues and the following year everyone gunned for them resulting in a crash and burn. It applies to one of the Super Bowl teams and I'll give you two guesses who it is?

3. Green Bay - On the plus side going for them they're playing in the NFC North. On the minus side your relying on Aaron Rodgers. Yes he's been in the league for awhile now but crazy expectations are on a first time starter. Add in a depleted d-line and the Packers could be for a world of hurt.

4. Washington - Washington is an enigma wrapped a puzzle with queso sauce on it. Which means I don't have a clue what to make of them. They have a solid defense and a solid offense. Now the question surround Jason Campbell and head coach Zorn (who requires all players to finish practice by yelling "Kneel Before Zorn!" ) They are dark horse Super Bowl entry and a possible 8-8 miss the playoffs team.

5. Seattle - Honestly nothing Seattle has or does gives me confidence that its a good team. An aging team. A coach waiting to retire. And yet who else can win the NFC West. When your relying on Arizona to take the crown well you know your reaching.

6. Dallas - Dallas seems to be the de facto favorite to win the NFC. Too much talent on paper not to. And yet every single intangible seems to against Dallas. The only organization with more employees that were indicted might be the White House. A coach who's a place holder. An insane owner that could go a murder spree. Oh and choking in the playoffs the past two years. The talent on paper should be enough to make the playoffs but if not well that'll be one delicious non-stop Cowboy bitch fest.

NFL Preview Part I: NFC Risers

Its finally here. Football time. That most wonderful time of the year. 27 days till College Football (and yes previews are coming from that too) but first up Part I of our 5 part series the agonizing pain I live in as a Cleveland fan...I mean preview of the NFL. Huzzah. Up first handicapping the NFC risers. Teams that missed out on the playoffs last year that have a shot of getting in this year. Now the point isn't (yet) to identify who on this list will actually make the playoffs but if I was to make guesses as to most likely to least likely here's my list....Let the debate begin

1) Nawlin Saints

After a surprising rebirth two years ago the Saints came back to Earth last year. However they made a few key offseason moves (namely solidifying linebackers with getting Jonathan Vilma and adding Shockey for the offense). Their schedule includes trips to the arguable less than stellar AFC West and NFC South and its looking like a return. Plus Ghengis McCain approves of them.

2) Philadelphia Eagles
Everything seemed to go wrong for the Iggles last year: distracted coach, injuries galore , actual Philly fans, etc. And yet despite all of those problems the Eagles ended at a respectful 8-8. Sure they don't have receivers but when did that stop them from making the playoffs? The NFC East is easily the hardest division to predict so hey why not...

3) Minnesota Vikings

All Day, the Purple Avenger, Purple Jesus. Whatever name you give Adrian Peterson he instantly made the Vikings respectable. They can run the ball, stop the run and with Jared Allen possibly rush the passer. The only minor detail is Tavaris Jackson. Can he be adequate? That's a big if but IF......

4) Arizona Cardinals

I swear every year might be THE year that the Cardinals get into the playoffs. And every year they disappoint. Perpetual teases (much like Autumn Reeser) Last year they got close at 8-8 but as always fell short. You have to feel though that the Coaching staff of Wisenhunt has them moving in the right direction. Right? More than Dennis Green right? Leinart is in the spotlight returning from injury as is Edgerin James fighting father time.

5) San Francisco
I wanted to put one controversial choice in there. That way if I'm right I seem like a genius. Here's my argument. The defense was all injured so they'll be better. They play in the NFC West. Anyone want to argue that there's an unstoppable juggernaut there? They play the AFC East. Mike Nolan may have perfected a secret formula to give Alex Smith super-human powers. I dunno but I like their chances better than the teams listed below

6) Carolina Panthers
The d-line isn't what it used to be. Jake Delhomme never was what he was possibly hyped to be (skilled). John Fox back is against the wall. Its playoffs or a pink slip. Same with the GM. They traded up to improve their o-line and get Jonathan Stewart. Rumor has it Fox has taken various members of the Panthers' families to a remote location in Inner Mongolia and will only return them if they put up a good fight (although Steve Smith seems to think that applies to other Panthers)

7) The Rest: Detroit, Chicago, Saint Louis, Atlanta
Maybe if you combined all these teams into one they might have a chance. Otherwise it'll be the surprise of the year for any of these......

NFL Discipline

Well, with the indictment of Mike Vick, it’s time to talk NFL discipline and the wrath of Rodger “The Hammer” Goodell. I am not going to discuss the fairness aspect of NFL discipline. In the words of Al Swearengen, “when did fairness ever enter the matter?”

PacMan Jones—May be allowed to join Titans training camp. I’m confused… didn’t the hammer suspend him for the entire season before an indictment was handed down? Perhaps Goodell believed PacMan to be a repeat offender. Why would the Titans allow him in camp?

Tank Johnson—released by the Bears after extensive legal issues.

Chris Henry—suspended for 8 games.

The NFL conduct police are cracking down. We have a great season of NFL discipline to look forward to!! Personally, I love a good sex boat scandal, players running afoul of the law, parties, and anything else that makes me laugh. Since I don’t think of a defensive tackle, QB, or DB as my role model, I prefer to be entertained. Entertain me!! I want a good old fashioned sex scandal... like Daunte Culpepper showing up in the DC Madam's little black book (before she releases him in favor of Trent Green).

As for Mike Vick, make sure the dog fights occur in Marcus Vick’s house. It’s easier that way and you are far less likely to be indicted. Marcus should also carry your weed. Almost forgot, here is a KSK classic of Tank, PacMan, Henry and Vick corrupting our children.