Classic Simmons

For those that haven't perused ESPN today, Bill Simmons has posted his 2 part NBA off-season recap . The articles combined to frankly combine into an archtype Simmons piece - all his foibles and annoying traits combined with better qualities. There's the obsequious name-dropping, the stream of consciousness such that ideas touted in paragraph 2 are refuted in paragraph 4, the aging cultural references and of course the never ending homerism (Celtics as clear Eastern favorites? Lebron to the Clippers? The Clippers?)

However it does have Simmons better qualities...calling obviously stupid moves stupid. Joe Dumars, gets taken to task for his overpaying and Memphis is called out for being umm Memphis. Simmons also has nuggets hidden away that makes you think. Within in it Simmons alludes that frankly the idea that the best teams in the league got better is at best overstated and at worse completely false. The Lakers signed a mercurial and aging player (Artest) and will be worse for it. Boston signed a mercurial and aging player (Wallace) and will be worse. Shaq as positive force will hit the reality of Shaq as WWE superstar and the Cavs will be worse for it. Orlando took their unique style of play and transformed themselves into a regular line up. Basically everyone but San Antonio among the elite are no better if not worse for their free agency follies. True or not I'm uncertain but at least an interesting/debatable point. Which I suppose is why readers continue to follow Simmons despite his faults (Lebron to Clippers?)

Pizza the Hutt

It looks like the best part of the University of Michigan's season was taking out Pizza the Hutt. Now could the Sweatervest and the Buckeye Nation do something this grand?? The fat slob will now be on crutches all season. This most definately will be the highlight of my season. Now Weis joins Brady on the ACL, MCL kick. I am sure Bill Simmons is practicing somewhere by jumping down his stairs to try to tear one of the ligaments in his knee to be like his butt buddies.

Unbelievable

Holy crap. Holy crap. HOLY CRAP.
Updated (now with analysis)

MVP: Gotta give it to Eli. Not to say Eli dominated or was mistake free (the Adelius Thomas took 15 years off our New York fans) but I can't give the award to the group. The Eli shows he has muscles and speed as he pulled a Houdini before launching the ball and an amazing catch gets made play. That was the game changer. Look QB gets the blame, he should get the credit. He led the G-Men on a two minute drill to win the game. He out-Brady'd Brady. Plus after the beating Eli took, nice to see him rise above and put together a great playoff run.

Best Part: Oh so many great parts. The part that New England can't say they were robbed or it was a fluke or something. Giants physically beat them up. Brady got knocked around like I haven't seen this season. The o-line kept Manning pretty up right despite a running game that wasn't exactly dominating. Or maybe that Tiki was sitting at home and Shockey was shunned to the booze section of the stadium. But probably the most delicious (well outside of Simmons upcoming article) was Belichek trying to leave before the game was over. Just wonderful.

Most Surprising Part: I honestly expected given the two weeks off that the Pats coaching staff would get the better of the Giants. However I thought the Giants D-Coordinator did an outstanding job and the Giants had only one turnover on a fairly fluke play (Dear Steve Smith you had a great rookie year but don't bat the ball into the air) so outside of shutting down Plaxico the Giants offense didn't beat itself. Hats off to the Giants staff.....

The What If Moment: Again a lot of points but the one that stands in my mind was Belichek going for it on 4rth and 13 instead of going for the long field goal. What if they made that field goal? Anyone else wonder if that choice is made if Vinatieri is there? The points left on the board was the difference between a loss and a tie. Just saying....

Other Questions
-Will this go down as one of the greatest upsets or one of the greatest chokejobs?

- So how many people had Plaxico pulling a Broadway Joe? Or Eli winning the MVP when that other Manning watched from above ? Or the Pats held to 14 points. And Brady was incredulous over the 17 points prediction. HA

-Anyone want to bet that Simmons will compare this loss to Buckner?

- Who would've been more annoying the '72 Dolphins or this year's Pats over an undefeated season?

- Did Brady's ankle affect the outcome?

- So SuperBowl hangover for the Pats next year? Not going to bet on it but interesting to see how they respond....

--Will Eli continue to play like this next year?

-- Kosher Hot Dogs. I have them beating the Bratwurst straight up and defy anyone to prove it otherwise....

Cheers and Jeers: Massacre Edition

Ingredients:

• 2 oz Tequila
• 1/2 oz Campari
• 4 oz Ginger ale

This week MJ and I have been having a friendly back and forth on the merits of blocking bad choices in the world of politics. However in the world of sports there is no debate. Second only to the joys of having your team win is seeing teams you hate go down in a Hindenburgesque fashion. Fans in Washington exploded in an orgy of fireworks and hanging Joe Buck (possibly in effigy) after the Cowboys went down in defeat. Every North Carolina fan prays every night for Andre the Giant to return to life and hit Coach K with a steel chair. Every week Yankees fans debate the effectiveness of bear traps on Big Pappi. Chicago Fans try set to fire to Wisconsin Cheese every year (silly Chicagoans you need Magic Greek pixie dust to set fire to cheese). And so friends I bring you a guide to which to team you should want Massacred.

Reason's to Hate New England

Bill Belichek:Used cameras, mics, and tapped phone lines to cheat. Had an affair with a married woman. Steals clothes from Hobos

Tom Brady: Left pregnant girlfriend, hangs with George Bush Jr. Had an affair with a married man (Peter King)

Rodney Harrison: Uses Steriods, Dirtiest player since Bill Romanowski , stole souls belonging to a Pawnee Tribe

Other Reasons: Bill Simmons is a douche and likes the Pats

Reason's to Hate Chargers

Norv Turner: History of Sucking, Hideous Visage, Smells of Ben-Gay

Phillip Rivers: Reminds everyone of Greg Marmalard. Beat up several kids involved in the Punt, Pass, Kick competition. Forced Tomlinson into the Witness Protection Program.

Shawn Merriman: Uses Steriods. Stupid Lights-Out dance is offensive to those with terets. Shawn Merriman Foundation lobbies to stop porn on the internet

Other Reasons to Hate: San Diego is based on the illegal whale vagina trade

Reasons to Hate the Packers

Mike McCarthy:I don't know a thing about Mike McCarthy but I do know he stands for everything you hate

Brett Favre: Caused prices in pain killers to sky rocket in late 1990s. Dick-Tease (maybe I'll retire, maybe I won't, maybe I'll fly away to Cabo with Peter King, maybe I won't) . Beard won't grow past grizzled phase.

Charles Woodson: Won't wear dreadlocks like the rest of the Packers secondary.

Al Harris: Refused to honor contract and kill Danny Glover in Predator II (Glover had a contract put on his life for his failure to kill Mel Gibson when he had the chance).

Reasons to Hate the Giants

Tom Coughlin: Hates Earth's greatest natural resource: sun glasses. Dislikes clocks. Kills Hobos

Elisha Manning: Foundation trying to steer youths to squash. Inconsistent. Won't let me play with his Transformer toys

Brandon Jacobs: Can't catch. Makes MJ's hero, Ron Dayne, look like a bust. Won't speak his native language of Yiddish in public.

Other Reasons: Win by Giants might bring back Gozer the Gozerian.


So there's your guide. Now go forth and bring hate into the sports world on Sunday...


........and now some cheering and jeering

Jeers: To the Writer's Strike. Ughh there's nothing on tv. What am I supposed to do, read? Not to say I don't support the writers. As the BSD's resident workman's circle stock owner (that's code for socialist) I always support striking workers. I'm also the sites resident science expert, toy appraiser, stunt cock, and caterer.

Cheers: To Mit Romney's Michigan win. Not that I support Mit Romney. I disagree vehemently with his Pro-Clown platform. However a win by Mit should keep the Presidential primary going longer which means I have something to watch while TV is on strike.

Cheers: To Tracy Morgan. Who's spending time during the strike doing karate and trying to get females pregnant

Jeers: 2007 turns out was only the 5th warmest year on record. Come on guys we need to kick this global warming thing into high gear in 2008 and kick 2005s ass (the current record holder). And no - 2007 being the warmest on record on Earth's land areas does not count. That's only 1/4 of the area on Earth. Thats barely 25%. (note C&J is not responsible for division errors)

Your Sean Taylor Memorial Beatdown of the Week: Goes to the Packers win over the Seahawks. After spotting team Holmgren 14 points the Packers marched on the Seahawks at will racking up like 40 million yards and 20,000 points (note C&J is also not responsible for adding or reading mistakes). Frankly I'm not sure if the Pack even have a Punter. Congrats Packers on your beatdown.


And the C&J Gal of the Week ....the return of Gemma Atkinson. Cuz she's that damn good

Pot, Meet Kettle. Kettle...Pot.

Insufferable might be the agonized New York Knicks fan that laments the slow destruction of a once-proud franchise. But insufferable is the sports fan from Boston that, in a span of four years, has played the “woe is me, we’re cursed” card and the “we’re the best sports city in the world” card. Boston has neither the monopoly on misery nor the monopoly on success. But citizens from the dark, wintry corner of America where trailer trash is in great abundance often forget this.

I‘d like to introduce Bill Simmons to reality but he’s too far gone. So I’ll simply call him out as a jackass who might want to remember that lambasting a fanbase for doing the song-and-dance routine that was perfected by all those drunken racists who drop their r’s is the height of hypocrisy.

NFL Mid-Season Awards and Predictions

Never say I don't follow the village. Yes its possibly the mid-season point in the NFL so a little reviewing, extolling and predicting....

NFL MVP: Well thats obvious Tom Brady. Tom Brady is on the way to rewriting the record book as he's egged on by Belichek. Each time one of those '72 Dolphins or coach or player so much as questions them they'll run up the score even more (and maybe kill a kitten). Any bets on how many touchdowns passes Brady will throw against Mangina's Jets as punishment for revealing SpyGate?

Offensive Player: Randy Moss. A lot of Brady's production is coming from the fact that Randy Moss without hands would be a better receiver than about 75% of the league. Honestly I think one of the Pats mainstay play is throw the ball high, let Randy will catch it.

Defensive Player: Bob Sanders. Last year, for those with short memories or have sub-simian intelligence (Peter King) the Colts defense was one of the worst in history. This year its a top 3 defense. Difference is Fear Bob Sanders

Rookie o'Year: Little known fact Adrian Peterson turns water into Champagne which I have to say is improvement over that other Jesus

Biggest Surprise: Detroit Lions. You really thought Millen could have a squad over .500? Runner up: Cleveland Browns, Green Bay Packers

Biggest Disappointment: Denver Bronco's. Most of the other disappointments can at least point to an excuse (Bears various injuries including legally brain dead QB, San Diego - legally brain dead coach, etc) But what's Denver's excuse? They play in a bad division, same head coach, no major injuries, so what, what is their excuse?
Runner Up: Philadelphia Eagles, Chicago Bears

Story Lines to Follow in the Second Half
1) Pats quest for Perfection and how the '72 Dolphins gripe
2) Brady's quest for the TD mark and if Simmons and King fight to the death over his balls
3) If Purple Jesus stays healthy. Remember he was drafted low not because of his skills but his health. I don't think he's finished a year without injury since his Junior year of high school.
4) Resurgent Saints. How far can they surge? They play one team with a winning record (Tampa) the rest of the way. Yes their toughest opponent is Tampa
5) Winless Wonders - I imagine Miami and Saint Louis will win eventually. Right?

Playoff Picks Revised
(I like to think that revising picks isn't cheating or admitting your buffoonish but learning)

AFC
1) New England
2) Indy
3) Pittsburgh
4) KC
5) Tennessee
6) Jacksonville (Cleveland misses playoffs due to tie breaker based on pancake eating contest)

NFC
1) Dallas
2) Green Bay
3) New Orleans
4) Seattle
5) Detroit
6) NY Giants

Super Bow: Patriots 45 Dallas 10

A Little World Series Comparison

Now that we know exactly which team will play the Rockies in the World Series, I figured I would do a comparison of both teams. I will be blunt and say that my analysis will probably side towards the Rockies a bit, since I am from Denver, but I will try and give a subjective look at both teams by position, defense, starters, bullpen, intangibles, atmosphere and coaching.

C: Torrealba vs. Varitek. Torrealba - 47 runs, 8 HRs, 47 RBIs, .699 OPS, .323 OBP, .255 AVG, Fielding % 991, Passed Balls 4. Varitek - 57 runs, 17 HRs, 68 RBIs, .788 OPS, .255 AVG, .367 OBP, Fielding % .994, Passed Balls 4. The edge has gotta go to Varitek here, he hits for more power, has a pretty similar fielding percentage as Torrealba but doesn't have as cool of a first name and his name could be Grand Moff Tarkin.

1B: Helton vs. Youklis. Helton - 85 runs, 17 HRs, 91 RBIs, .928 OPS, OPS+ 133, .320 AVG, .434 OBP, Fielding % .999, RF9 (Range Factor for nine innings) 10.38. Youklis - 85 runs, 16 HRs, 83 RBIs, 843 OPS, OPS+ 117, .390 OBP, Fielding % 1.000, RF9 8.88. The edge goes to Helton. He is a better in just about every batting category, fielding category and he has far better facial hair and tends to not look like David Wells.

2B: Matsui vs. Pedroia. Matsui - 84 runs, 4 HRs, 37 RBIs, .747 OPS, OPS+ 87, .288 AVG, .342 OBP, Fielding % .992, RF9 5.33. Pedroia - 86 runs, 8 HRs, 50 RBIs, .822 OPS, OPS+ 112, AVG .317, .380 OBP, Fielding % .990, RF9 4.52. This is pretty much an even argument. Matsui is more of a lead off hitter whereas Pedroia has more power. Matsui had 32 steals in 36 attempts. I think the edge is pretty even. Matsui is a better fielder but Pedroia has more pop.

SS: Tulowitzki vs. Lugo. Tulo - 104 runs, 24 HRs, 99 RBIs, .838 OPS, OPS+108, .291 AVG, .359 OBP, Fielding % .987, RF9 5.39. Lugo - 71 runs, 8 HRs, 73 RBIs, .643 OPS, OPS+65, AVG .237, .294 OBP, Fielding % .968, RF9 4.21. The edge has gotta go to Tulo, he has more pop in his bat, is a vacuum at SS and just is all around a better hitter. If you take the SS/2B positions I would still go with an edge to the Rockies both offensive and defensively.

3B: Atkins vs. Lowell. Atkins - 83 runs, 25 HRs, 111 RBIs, .853 OPS, OPS+121, .301 AVG, .367 OBP, Fielding % .971, RF9 2.29. Lowell - 79 runs, 21 HRs, 120 RBIs, .879 OPS, OPS+124, .324 AVG, .378 OBP, Fielding % .961, RF9 2.51. This is pretty evenly split, but I would give a slight edge to Lowell because he has more pop in his bat and has been to the big show before.

LF: Holliday vs. Manny. Holliday - 120 runs, 36 HRs, 137 RBIs, 1.012 OPS, OPS+150, .340 AVG, .405 OBP, Fielding % .990, RF9 1.97. Manny 84 runs, 20 HRs, 88 RBIs, .881 OPS, OPS+126, .296 AVG, .388 OBP, Fielding % .990, RF9 1.72. Holliday has had an MVP season, and could possibly go on a tear in the world series. Manny is one of the most feared righties in my life time but I would give the edge to Holliday.

CF: Taveras/Spilbourghs vs. Crisp/Ellsbury. Am taking the average and total amounts for both groups. Taveras - 104 runs, 13 HRs, 75 RBIs, .798 OPS, OPS+ 100, AVG .309, .365 OBP, Fielding % .984, RF9 2.49. Crisp/Ellsbury - 105 runs, 9 HRs, 78 RBIs, .807 OPS, OPS+ 107, AVG .310, . 362 OBP, Fielding % .994, RF9 3.14. This is a pretty even category too. Both have speeding guys and up and coming youngsters. I think Crisp/Ellsbury have better defense, but you can't look over the speed on the base paths that Tavaras gives you. The one two duo of Taveras/Matsui gives you around 70 steals at the top of the order.

RF: Hawpe vs. Drew. Hawpe - 80 runs, 29 HRs, 116 RBIs, .926 OPS, OPS+ 129, AVG .291, .387 OBP, Fielding % .977, RF9 1.94. Drew - 84 runs, 10 HRs, 64 RBISs, .796 OPS, OPS+105, .270 AVG, .373 OBP, Fielding % .923, RF9 1.82. There is no comparison here, Hawpe had a better offensive year than Drew hands down. He had more power, a better average, is a better fielder and all around a better guy. And he makes 14 million more a year than Hawpe. Who knew you reward medriocity with lots of money, only in Boston.

DH: There is no argument here. Big Papi is one of the best DHs in all of baseball. I don't know who the Rockies will throw out there for the DH, but he won't be as good as Papi.

Starting Pitching: With the postseason veterans of Beckett, Mr. Give My Opinion, Annoying Fuckface, Bleeding Sock who Needs to Join Rush Limbaugh on a Plane with the Big Bopper, you have to give the advantage to the Red Sox. However, I would say that the 3rd and 4th game guys especially since Dice K and Wakefield are going to start out here in Colorado, have to favor the two rookie guys since there is really no humidity (my bloody noses and really dry skin) out here in Colorado. I still give a pretty significant advantage to the Red Sox pitchers.

Relievers: Boston's stats 3.10 ERA, .226 AVG, 1.214 WHIP, 7.59 K/9 IP. Colorado's stats: 3.85 ERA, .256 AVG, 1.299 WHIP, 6.47 K/9 IP. The edge goes to the Red Sox because Richard "Boner" Stabone Papelboner has been lights out this year. He only blew 3 saves all year. Corpas blew 3 but in a far greater amount of time.

Intagibles: Ok, Rocktober, however goofy it sounds has hit this town like a ton of bricks. The Rockies have won 21 of their last 22, they are tied with the Big Red Machine for winning 7 straight games. People are waiting in line like U2 is coming to town to buy tickets. If you watch the games, fans in Colorado have been absolutely crazy. Boston fans have not been as crazy. There is a wave here that I feel that perhaps Bill Simmons felt in 2004 that I don't think is going to stop. The general attitude in the clubhouse is much more collegial in the Rockies clubhouse. These are guys that have played with each other from being drafted by the Rockies, played at Colorado Springs together. Holliday, Hawpe, Atkins, Helton, Tulo all came up in this organization. It just makes sense that they will win.

Another key factor is the score 21-5. That is combined total of runs of the two teams in H2H meetings in June. The Rockies owned the series 2-1. This included 6 runs off Josh Beckett, his first loss of the year. It also included 5 runs off Schilling.

Prediction: Rockies in 7. Holliday will hit a Grand Slam off Manny's head in left to win it, Bill Simmons will try to catch the ball, but he is too busy performing analingus on Tom Brady while Kevin Millar tries to jump in to stop Holliday at the plate, but slips on his bald head.

A Funny Poke at Simmons

So I found this website and had to share with everyone else. It is a nice poke at the absurdity of Bill Simmons.

http://www.serioussportsnewsnetwork.com/sportsguy.html

Check it out, if you like Mad Libs you will love this.

Even Road Warrior Animal Is a Rockies Fan

Congrats to the Rockies for their sweep and getting into the record book to tie the best streak in Major League Baseball of 7 consecutive wins. Hopefully this juggarnaut will not stop until they break the record against Sabathia or Beckett. This little kid will eat Chief Wahoo and Bill Simmon's baby for breakfast.

So congrats to the potential MVP, the amazing defensive skills of the entire team including the potential Rookie of the Year and the sight of baseball giving crappy teams hope. Bring on the Tribe or Simmon's Butt Buddies.

What I Like About Baseball (How Much Bill Simmons Can Suck It)

Ok I am in Mighty/MJ Rage-A-Holic Mode so I figured I would rant about something. Right now I feel like Rambo after Russians/VC/NWA/NVA/Burmese Pythons killed his Asian girlfriend before she gave the fancy necklace.

What is making me angry is a quote that Simmons wrote in his mailbag yesterday and a common perception in Bristol CT and throughout the left and right coast.

"No matter how much you love baseball, it's nearly impossible to care about the Colorado-Arizona series. You might watch it, you might enjoy it, you might even gamble on it ... but unless you're an absolute baseball nut or a Rockies/D-backs fan, how could you honestly care who wins when neither franchise is older than Jamie-Lynn Spears? It's like going to a wedding in which you don't know anything about the bride or the groom. "

Ok, so the fact that a team has come from being a sub .500 team for almost all of its franchise history. And is now on an unbelievable streak of winning 18 of its last 19 games and is streaking more than Mighty after three bottles of Manischewitz during his brother's Bar Mitzvah. Does that not in the least make you feel good and feel like in baseball anything can happen. What surprises me about this is that people haven't jumped onto this story. It is the quintessental David vs. Goliath story. If it was the Pirates who had shitty teams for the past few years and then made a World Series run, would we jump on their bandwagon since they have been around since the age of Grover Cleveland? That is just a stupid argument.

Who could not love the story in Colorado? You have a team that exemplifies the way that baseball should be played. You have a team that has 6 of its starting lineups and its closer that were drafted by the Rockies and came up in the Rockies organization. They weren't overpaid for in order to win a World Series, they earned it coming up through the organization. What is not to like about the story. How many of the Red Sox actually came from their organization? Two. Oh and someone that they spent about the entire team budget of the Rockies just to talk to in Dice-K. That worked out fabulously. When I think of the greats of the game, I think of players that came up with a certain organization and continued through that organization until they retire. That is how baseball should be.

I really hope (sorry Clevelanders) that Boston and Colorado make it to the World Series and Colorado sweeps the Red Sox. In this fantasy, Josh Beckett gets an infection of his soul patch, Curt Schilling has to be quiet for 5 minutes, Dice-K has to feed sushi through a straw, that David Ortiz gets caught in an avalanche and has to actually move his fat ass to get himself out of it, that Varitek has to endure being on Simmons podcast and that Manny has get sent down to the SuperMax facility Florence and be in the same room with the Blind Shiek, Ted Kazcinski and Simmons to listen to his whiney voice talk about some obscure ritual that he does with his friends who we don't care about in Vegas.

Oh and another thing that he mention was worrying about Ortiz in the thin air. We don't have thin air out here. Mt. Everest is in thin air, Denver has the same amount of oxygen as a retiree conference of ex-Marlboro employees. I smoked Pall Mall non-filters for ten years during the war...I run around 3 miles a day now, it doesn't affect me. I think that a professional athlete who gets paid millions of dollars to be in shape can deal with the air even if you are a fat slob like David Ortiz.

Broken Simmons

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall;
All the King's horses and all the King’s men,
Couldn't put Humpty together again.

This piece brilliantly captures how Bill Simmons, once a great writer with true passion and a funny perspective, became the tired hack he is today. Always biased, he’s become even moreso now. He’s now a lazy writer who has “made it” and has such disdain for his readers that he doesn’t even pretend to care any more.

I only wish I could take credit for the blow-by-blow assault they lay on Simmons. Nothing feels better than tearing down someone that was once an idol but is now a decrepit farce.

Bill Simmons, You Broke My Heart

Ok, for one since I haven't blogged since the overall of the government of blogdom by the imperialist's Google, I figured I would add myself to the contributors. The second reason I wanted to write was because Bill Simmons has finally come to the end of the Colonel's reign. The fleet of Colonel's Special Forces (monkeys with night vision goggles) have been dispatched to throw feces on his house. As of today I will not be reading his crap again. I am not sure what happened to him. Maybe his contract with ESPN made his head get bigger and he forgot how to analyze sports or maybe he just started taking heroin and forgot to write any funny articles. But now he is just unreadable. In the past months, I found myself skimming over his articles. I now use Nietzsche and even Wikipedia for my daily bowel movement reading. What happened, Bill? If you can't even be good enough in the bathroom, you have lost all abilities of writing. The final straw was his discussion of the Big 10 basketball demise. While I can't say that I am a afficianado of college basketball, I do understand the general idea around which teams are better. To say that Texas, Texas A&M, and Kansas are better than Wisconsin is laughable. Generally, if a college team (which plays 8 minutes less than the NBA, genuis) gives up 100 points in not one but three games that is considered not having too great of defense. I know that two of those games went to overtime but still. I am sorry that watching Wisconsin play isn't like watching your one butt buddy Steve Nash and the Suns play. I am also sorry that your other butt buddies, Tom Brady, Josh Beckett (before he got injured), Davis from the Real World, Larry Bird, Durant, Johnny Damon (before he got traded), Ray Bourgue (before he got traded), and fill in the blank Boston athletes are not involved in the Big 10.

Bill Simmons you broke my heart...I will not read you ever again. I don't want to know you or what you do. I don't want to see you at the hotels, I don't want you near my house. When you see our mother, I want to know a day in advance, so I won't be there. You understand? Go out fishing with your dad and say some hail marys.

Rage Against The Simmons Machine

Bill Simmons is a self-appointed NBA savant, a guy who truly believes that he knows everything about the game and its history. And while it’s hard to discredit his passion or consistency when it comes to pro basketball, he’s still hampered by one small detail which kills a lot of his credibility: his incredible bias for all things Celtic.

Part and parcel with his Celtics bias is an almost instinctive urge to lash out at nearly all other established NBA players who played for other teams. And, unfortunately for me, no one player takes more hits from Simmons than my childhood hero Patrick Ewing.

At this point, we all know about the so-called Ewing Theory, which, when scrutinized, actually does not water. Over the years, Simmons has taken numerous cheap shots at Ewing, although he seems to have stepped up his attacks on Big Fella in recent weeks. In a discussion about Greg Oden, Simmons not only takes several cracks at Ewing but – shocker! – compares Oden to former Celtics legend Robert Parish:

"The more I watch him, the more he reminds me of Robert Parish – not just because he’s mellow like the Chief, but also because he doesn’t feel the need to PRETEND he’s anything other than mellow. For instance, Patrick Ewing’s fatal flaw was his misguided attempt to “evolve” into a passionate leader – which basically consisted of his (A) making jumpers and screaming at the top of his lungs, or (B) running over to a teammate who just made a big shot and screaming at the top of his lungs. It always seemed disingenuous to me, like he was trying to portray a character or something (“I’m the vocal franchise center and I can lead this team!”). In the long run, it hurt his game to some degree – Ewing didn’t have a dominant personality, he wasn’t an alpha dog, and above everything else that’s why the Knicks never won a championship during his era.

Oden has a self-awareness than Ewing lacked (and still lacks, as evidenced by his surreal attempt to reinvent himself as a 7-foot Ed McMahon on Ahmad Rashad’s remarkably bizarre NBA TV talk show), which is why Parish’s personality is a perfect comparison for Oden. The Chief never cared about stats, or touches, or showing off or any of that crap. He just wanted to win. I think Oden could be described the same way, and if you don’t believe me, watch the way he blocks shots – just like Bill Russell and Walton, he doesn’t block shots as much as he deflects them and keeps them in play (so they’ll lead to a potential fast break). It’s the single best thing about his game, an innate skill that can’t be learned."

This isn’t meant to analyze the merits of the Oden-Parish comparison. Honestly, I can’t say I know that much about Parish besides the fact that he played on the great Celtics teams of the 80’s, that he smoked tons of pot, and that he once shoved his wife down a flight of stairs. What I want to dispute is that Ewing was somehow a phony leader and that his passion on the court was contrived.

I watched pretty much every single game of Ewing’s career in New York and, upon Pat Riley’s arrival in 1991, Big Fella DID evolve into a more vocal on-court leader. But does that evolution have to be characterized as manufactured? Is it not possible that Ewing, playing for a legendary coach who installed him as the centerpiece of the team’s offense and defense, simply felt more at ease? The team was getting better and their prospects were brighter. After playing for five coaches in six seasons*, Ewing finally felt settled as the co-captain of a young and hungry team.

One other point to make about Ewing’s “failure” to win a championship: if the team ultimately never won because of #33’s inability to be a true leader, I’d love to hear what Charles Barkley’s excuse is. Because no one’s ever accused Barkley’s on-court antics as being over-the-top, right? And, certainly, Ewing never winning had NOTHING to do with the fact that he played a 15 year career in New York with only two of his teammates ever making the All-Star team. That’s right; John Starks and Charles Oakley each made the All-Star team once, in 1994. Wait, wasn’t that the year the Knicks went to the NBA Finals and lost in seven games?

I’ll end by saying that Bill Simmons knows a hell of a lot more about the NBA than I do. But from 1985-2001, he should keep his Knicks opinions to himself as I can say for certain that he doesn’t know a motherfucking thing. Go fuck yourself Simmons. You’re unreadable at this point.

*Hubie Brown, Bob Hill, Rick Pitino, Stu Jackson, and John McLeod

Notes from the Periphery: You want to take a dingy?

Well another update from a backwards place where football is a game primarily played with, get this, feet. Its crazy I know. Here in Europe there are a dizzying array of tournaments, side tournaments, champions league, friendly matches and soirées all involving only one sport, what is called in the States "soccer". While Americans may claim soccer is boring or full of pansies there is a certain beauty to game if you watch it long enough. Frankly baseball and Euro football have a ton in common in how traditionalists of each of the respective sports describe their own.

Americans sometimes just can't understand the subtleties that make football great

NBA Trading:
Now if your brain actually gets dumber the more you watch basketball then perhaps the NBA Trading Deadline fizzle was a call to arms about NBA general managing mismanagement. Luckily there are few people out there who have evolved beyond picking insects out of their fur. At the ESPN.com basketball that includes Marc Stein and thats about it. I highly recommend for actual analysis, instead of some combination of Conventional Wisdom and Yak mating calls, to read his piece. There were actually some logical reasons for the lack of movement. The first is simply is that trading in the NBA is hard given the luxery tax and high salaries per player. The second is the quality of the upcoming draft class means few teams are willing to send away draft picks. Finally the East lacks any dominating figure and therefore few teams are willing to throw in the towel given the real possibility of winning the East. The result is a dearth of teams willing to do trades and in the NBA multiple partners are needed. This of course is not to say a few teams were trigger shy (Orlando and Minnesota) but those were the exceptions. Most teams had very logical reasons for staying pat.

I hate to tell you this, Bill ,but the secret to a good column is not: Boston something something I hang with famous people in LA something something I'm smarter than all NBA GMs something something.

NFL Draft:
Silly Season is in full force as the NFL Combine aka the Meat Market is happening. I'm not really sure why an 1/8th of a inch is the difference between a good player or a bad player in the scouting world but they really do buy that claptrap. Every year some player randomly shoots up the DraftBoards based on a 40 time or benchpress reps or an ability to make a grilled salmon. That does not mean its completely useless. Players that show up out of shape tend to get the red flag for character/motivation issues. Which are a big deal. JaMarcus Russel gets the Lendale White Award for flabbiness this year. Obviously he will end up on the Raiders. This leaves Detroit as one of the key movers and shakers in the draft. Will they trade down and take a defensive player, pick Brady Quinn or Joe Thomas (Wisconsin bred left tackle) or simply settle for the physical challenge (don't tell Millen there's no physical challenge. He won't believe you). Also of note the Cleveland Browns are 1-0 in 2007 when Tampa Bay lost to a quarter . The result is the Brownies are slotted #3 behind Detroit and seem to be considering nearly any offensive player not named Calvin Johnson (who I'm willing to stand by and say will be the best player of the draft)

Matt Millen with the number two pick is leaning towards asking where the bathroom is

Baseball Overseas:
Of all the spring training stories I've come across this one about Israel starting a baseball league may take the coffe cake (Not Suitable for Workish)

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