With the 1st pick in the 2nd BSD Mock Draft Gutsy Goldberg selects...
As if there was any doubt as to who I was selecting with the first pick, I have to take the one, the only, Hulk Hogan. Before you even read anymore, if you can quietly watch this at work, you need to watch and listen to Hulk Hogan,
jamming to his theme song! If it wasn't for Hulk Hogan, no one would eat their vitamins. No one! Not only has he continually been a champion, but he has been a champion in the '80s, the '90s, and in the 21st century. He is world renowned for his stellar acting abilities, shown in Rocky III, when he picked up the dimunitive Sylvester Stallone, and he is also know for his other masterpeices such as Mr. Nanny. Hulk Hogan is probably best known for his "big boot" move, the insane ripping his shirt apart, putting his hands to his ears, pointing to the left, pointing to the right, flexing, and calling upon all the Hulkamaniacs. All you have to know, is that Hulkamania is going to last forever!
Publius: It had to be the Hulk.
The Colonel: When it comes crashing down and it hurts inside. Gotta be a man can't let it slide. I am a real American.
With the 2nd overall selection... Publius selects...
Stone Cold Steve AustinWith the Hulk a clear icon at #1, Stone Cold is exactly what I expect from a wrestler. A beer chugging, middle finger waging, foul mouthed mean SOB. Who can argue with the set on the guy who gives the entire McMahon family stunners? DAMN Austin 3:16 says "I just whooped your @ss!"
If you have any questions about this selection, shut your mouth. And that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so!
(Odd- Jesse Ventura is the ref in the background... this is called foreshadowing)
Mighty: you forgot to mention The Beer of Choice for Stone Cold..Steveweiser.
Also his finishing move the Stone Cold Stunner.....Laz: my pick is gonna be the lean, the mean, the obscene
Ultimate Warrior.
There is no wrestler who was reverred more, confused by more, or more scary than him. First, he did hold both the WWF championship and the Intercontinental title when he beat hulk hogan. also, in his first title defense, he beat Mr. Perfect and was the only person ever to escape from the perfect plex. the dude had so many screws loose it was great. then, with the rumors of his
death and all the roid rumors. so much mystery, but so awesome. just think about all the times that the warrior was getting beaten and he all of a sudden started huffing and puffing and then turned the tables on the opponent, then he punched the guy to stun them, then started bouncing off the ropes like a pissed off bull and just kept knocking the guy down. I mean, that is the epitome of a true wrestling hero. Bobby the Brain Heenan once said on the Ultimate Warrior: "This guy makes coffee nervous." and then there is the classic warrior quote "I was sent in a capsule from a place far from here , and I came here for one reason. To attack and keep coming. Not to ask , but just to give. Not to want , but just to send. Send the power of the Warrior down everyone throat in the WWF till they get sick of it. And your gonna get sick , because this freak of nature is just beginning to swell. And when I get big enough , brother , they're ain't gonna room for anybody else but me and all the Warriors , floating through the veins , and the power of the Warrior!"
check it out: With the 4th pick the Colonel chooses
Roddy Piper.
Pipers Pit was one of the best shows within a show of the WWF. Roddy Piper broke a coconut over the head of Jimmy Snuka and was always just crazy. Nobody embodied the wearing of a kilt onto the stage. Roddy Piper made me look into Scottish heritage and I can say that I participated in my first Caber Toss, ate my first haggish, watched braveheart and participated in hooliganism because of Roddy. He had a great finishing move of the sleeper hold, which could knock out any opponent so he could do whatever he wanted to them.
So, gentlemen raise your kilts and feel honored to be in the presence of Rowdy Roddy Piper.
I dunno what number pick this is because I can't count this high. What I do know is that MJ is picking Andre Roussimoff, otherwise known as
Andre the Giant.
Andre was a man's man. He could pick up four chicks while wearing a speedo and still flash a toothy grin and show off his great afro. He was an absolute beast in the ring and was the consummate "immovable object." Besides the Hulkster, there might not have been a bigger wrestling celebrity in those early days. And, best of all, Andre unclogged the toilet after I dropped the biggest bomb ever. This last part might seem far-fetched but the Colonel can vouch for the accuracy of this story.
Publius: The 8th wonder of the world!! thought the giant may slip but no such luck. Great movie role (Princess Bride)- is that why you took him?? your love of princess birde??
MJ: I've never seen The Princess Bride. I simply admire a man who can pull of speedo underwear and a big 'fro and still get pussy.
The Colonel: I knew you would take him since you have personal experience with him after a dramatic episode involving the toilet in Damascus.
Publius: STORY!! Did Andre leave a floater?
MJ: Quite the contrary. I was the one who took the massive shit. He's
the one who had to go in there after me. And for the record, it was not a floater. It was 6 separate logs, all of which had the consistency of cement blocks
The Colonel: MJ and I went to a Syrian restaurant here in Denver and after having hommos and swarma, he needed to take a massive poop. Well there was only one facility in the restaurant so after he got back he had to tell the waiter that he had clogged it with all of his food from the previous two nights. The waiter could have been Andre the Giant's twin, about 7 feet tall and very large around. Andre gave him a look saying that it had to be plunged a few times and did not look too happy about it. Also there was a kid who was about 8 years old waiting outside the bathroom to use it, and i belive that the bathroom had to be cordoned off because of MJ.
Well I have returned and like the Rock I'm Just Bringing it. I have indeed gone with THE MOST ELECTRIFYING MAN IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT: Mighty Mike selects
The Rock AKA Dwayne JohnsonCheck out videos!More Videos!Nobody droped promos like Rock. While he started as a heel the share charisma that radiated by the People's Champion quickly turned him into a face. What the People's Eyebrow and the People's Elbow couldn't finish the Brahma Bull would use the Rock Bottom to finish off. The Rock was involved with many great wrestling matches (including with Austin and Hulk Hogan see above). Later on the Rock would go on to star in Saturday Live as Nicotrel and an action super hero in various films. That said Can you smell what the Rock is cooking?
Publius: Not only can he "rock bottom " you,
he can also help you quit smoking as Nicotrel. Gutsy: Great picks - it was clear when we started that the 1st round would be stellar.
Anyway, I was M.I.A. as usual on a monday... so here are a couple of comments:
Andre the Giant is going to forever make me think of pooping 6 logs. Thanks MJ for the memories.
Ultimate Warrior - Laz has already seen this, but the rest of you guys have to check out this
youtube clip which basically shows how INSANE he is. I love the Ultimate Warrior, if anyone knows where you can get his theme music, I would be grateful.
Round 2: Mighty Mike
I will begin with the other half of the Rock and Sock Connection: Mick FoleyAlternatively known throughout his career as Cactus Jack, Man Kind, Dude Love and Mick Foley Foley has wrestled against the best and really been the only person to have wrestled with The Rock (as the Tag Team known as the Rock and Sock Connection). He is known for two things: hilarious promos and crazy/insane/murderous falls. Probably the most famous fall in wrestling was when the Undertaker threw Foley off the top of a steel cage onto a table (see above video). But despite the hardcore matches that were his signature ( i.e.falls from the tops of the ring or onto tacks or with barbed wire bats or flaming bats) Foley became beloved for his quirky and funny promos. I mean his finishing move involved Mr.Socko (a sock that he would pull out of his pants, put on his hand, and then use as the Mandible Claw). Foley in real life is also an accomplished writer (his autobiographies remain the most popular and funniest wrestling books ever) and even has guest hosted on Air America (yes he's a Democrat). So despite the fact that its 9 AM here, I raise a toast to Mick Foley, the Hardcore Legend. And as he would say.....
Have a Nice Day!
With my next pick, MJ grabs another original star...
Randy "Macho Man" Savage.Macho Man has been a World Heavyweight Champ, an Interncontinental Champ, a member of the Mega Powers (with Hulk Hogan) and managed by two of the biggest badass ladies in wrestling history (Miss Elizabeth and Sensational Sherri Martel). He'd crush you with an elbow drop from the top rope and then stand over you with a sneer and an ""Ohhhhh yeahhhh!"
"Macho Madness is coming at ya!"
Gutsy:
Plus, I actually had the pleasure of meeting Macho Man in person. It was actually really sad, because he could hardly speak. Maybe he was inebriated, or maybe he had taken too many 'roids. I even have proof of my meeting with him.
MJ: That's fantastic! I'm sad to hear that he has too much brain-fog to even speak but at least he still looks like he could crush anyone that dares step to his Machoness. Did you ask him for a Slim Jim?
Gutsy: I didn't ask him for a slim jim, I mean, he's a lot bigger than me. Here was the extent of the conversation:
Gutsy: "Macho man!"
Macho Man: "grumble grumble"
Gutsy: "Can I take a picture with you?"
Macho Man: "sdfwejguosd.. yeeeee"
******picture taken***********
Gutsy: "Thanks for the picture"
Macho man: "eeeejsf sdf j grumble grumble"
MJ: I don't care how big he is, you have to ask him for a Slim Jim. At this point, he's no longer capable of spontaneous conversation so maybe hearing the words "Slim Jim" would've kick-started a chain-reaction in his brain that would've gotten him out of his punch-drunk state.
Random factoid about Macho Man: he was a catcher in the St. Louis Cardinals and Chicago White Sox minor league systems and was a teammate of Keith Hernandez in the minors in 1971.
With my next pick, The Colonel will choose someone that means alot to me,
Hillbilly Jim.
From Mudlick, Kentucky, Hillbilly Jim was a loveable character that would come into the ring with the fiddle music of "Dont go messing with a Country Boy" playing and have a little ho down in the ring. However, when the bell rang, Hillbilly became an unstoppable force that would squeeze you to death with his bear hug. Also, one of the best matches of all time was in Wrestlemania III when Hillbilly went up against King Kong Bundy with two midgets on both sides.
Who doesn't like friends of the little people.
And what more can you ask for from a wrestler that comes into the ring with just overalls on and a piece of wheat in his mouth.
Mighty: Hilly Billy Jim frankly is no Hacksaw Jim Duggan.
MJ: Hacksaw was a drunkard with phony Appalachian roots. Hillbilly Jim is
the real deal and has the sister/bride to prove it.
Mighty: He actually was born in Glenn Hills, New York and won the new york state wrestling championship. Hacksaw was a true American and a great New Yorker. How dare you besmirch his proud name.....
MJ: blech - glens falls is upstate and we new yorkers don't consider anything upstate as being part of the real new york.
Publius: I once met a guy from upstate who introduced himself as "I'm Mike and I'm from updtate NY and for you NYC people that does not mean Westchester"
Macho Man and Hill Billy Jim are both totally gay. Check out this link: really, how can a man wear overalls and nothing underneath? That is close to Deliverance Style man on man action and making him squeal like a pig. Enjoy.
MJ: come on, let's be serious for a moment here. randy savage is not gay for the simple reason that he endorsed slim jim and no gay man would ever endorse such a product. hillbilly jim might be gay, but only insofar as all of those appalachian types have a general proclivity towards sodomy and incest.
Publius: he only endorses slim jims because:
a) needs $ for his dildo habit
b) they are slim (see Simpsons Gay steel workers episode)
c) he takes roids.
MJ: damn that simpsons episode, that's an air-tight argument.
but i still maintain that he doesn't have a dildo habit. gutsy said the man could barely talk so how could have enough brain function to stick something in his poop-chute?
Gutsy:
Laz:
My next pick is Bret the Hitman Hart. First, it made me sad when I learned today that the Hitman will 50 years old in a couple months. Now, I wont hold it too much against him that he’s Canadian, but the sharpshooter move he does is the coolest. Now, the hitman had a great singles career, but he was also part of a great tag team, the Hart Foundation. His partner was his brother in law, jim the anvil neidhart. Also, his other brother in law is davey boy smith, the british bulldog. After reading up on his career, I remembered that the hitman left tag teaming after he lost to the nasty boys, remember those guys, they used to put their opponents’ noses in their armpits, it was like the bushwackers to the next power. Then the hitman went to a stellar singles career, most notably being in the first “ladder match” which is just awesome. He won the intercontinental twice and the championship. He beat yokozuna, which is not an easy task.
And in my research I just found out that he had a stroke in 2002 after a bicycle accident. So, he can beat a 500 pound sumo wrestler, but schwinns are his downfall, weird.
Publius selects:
THE UNDERTAKERIn the spirit of bad @ss wrestlers (Like Stone Cold), the undertaker will give you the tombstone piledriver and you will love it. He would scare Hades himself, piledrive Charon, and f#ck Nyx.
The Undertaker's winning streak at Wrestlemania (15-0) is unparalleled in World Wrestling Federation/Entertainment history, standing currently at fifteen victories, no losses, and no draws (15-0-0). He has defeated fifteen different opponents.
With the 12th pick in the draft, Gutsy Goldberg selects...
Jake "The Snake" Roberts
Sending a box of snakes to your archrival (Macho Man Randy Savage) on his wedding day is just classic. Plus, he had one of the most memorable finishing moves, that thousand of fans would just chant for: "DDT, DDT!, DDT!..." Wikipedia describes it best ("driving an opponent's head into the mat"), and even has the origins for the DDT, which I had never heard of: "Once during a match in his NWA days, Roberts had his opponent, the Grappler, in a front facelock, but was tripped. Roberts' opponent fell on his head, legitimately knocking him out. From that match, Roberts incorporated the move as his finisher, naming it the
DDT, though instead of falling back, he stepped back before falling (which, as he explained on his DVD
Pick Your Poison, was the quickest way to drive his opponent's head into the mat, and also gave the move a "snap" effect)."
"In early to mid-1991, Roberts engaged in a bitter feud with
Earthquake after his 450-pound body "squashed" Damien (in actuality, it was hamburger stuffed in
pantyhose with a small motor to make it look like a live snake was in the bag), and then used Damien's "carcass" to make "Quakeburgers", which he fed to on-air commentator
Lord Alfred Hayes." Ultimately, Jake "The Snake" Roberts was a bad-ass who carried around a snake to every match. Even though we all knew that wrestling was fake, Jake still would allow the snake to slither all over the opponent, which was definitely a real experience that each wrestler had to go through.
Jeers: To the boring NBA playoff series that hold up enjoyment of the next round. I am so bored with the Utah Jizz, the Rockets, the Toronto Raptors, and NJ Nets. Somebody please win already!!!
