UCONN moves into The Final Four

This is not the weakest #1 seed.  Does this look weak to you?? Put him in a body bag Johnny!!

My explanations are under review

Upon being reviewed by the NFL, I am hated by both Broncos and Saints fans.  Let's face it... it has not been a good year.  To compensate, I will initiate verbose microphone explanations for each call and provide NFL rule citations that provide the authority for yellow flags.

By grasping the clothing of the opponent, the offense violated NFL Code citation 3-231 resulting a 10 yard backwards walk.  We will repeat the down.

All questions please consult this website.  

Happy Fiscal New Year

The government dorks know that October 1 means the start of FY 2009.  Happy fiscal new year! Uncle Sam, like many teams in the NFL (see, transition) is hobbling along on pride, guts, and printed money.

Former Superpowers:

NE Patriots: The Pats are 2-1 in one of the weaker divisions in the AFC.  The surprising Bills have squeaked out games against mediocre opponents such as the Raiders and this week take on the Jesus powered Cardinals.  The AFC East should be close all year and I'm looking forward to the face to face meeting between the former super power Pats and "Nobody Circles the Wagons" like the Buffalo Bills.   Pick: NE over SF, and Buffalo over Jesus.  Pictured below is the medicine Kurt Warner and Jesus powered Cardinals require.

Pittsburgh Steelers:  Yes, they won Monday night against a well prepared Cobra Commander.  In the meantime, the body count for Pittsburgh stacks up.  Ray Lewis shanked Steelers rookie Rashard Mendenhall leaving the Steelers one healthy RB Mewelde Moore.  Who?  The body count gets worse... the Steelers lost another back up RB, and Kendall Simmons (thankfully not related to Bill Simmons).  Editors note: can Bill Simmons stay up late enough to give the Red Sox a west coast rim job?

Honestly, the Steelers are banged up but who else can contend? Will anyone stand up and knock the wounded Steelers into 2nd place?  Next week: JAX

The AFC South: Mighty Mike maintains TN is the best team in the AFC.  By record, he is right.  This week the Titans lock up with Cobra Commander.  The Titans schedule says the real test will begin later this season.  The Titans have game #2 against Jax, 2 versus the Colts, GB, and Pittsburgh.   The title of the post is Happy Fiscal new year and someone please remind the Colts that the regular season began four weeks ago.  The Colts are my vote for fastest falling super power.

Honorable mentions: Green Bay and Seattle.

The NFC East is brutal!  This week the Foreskins follow-up a great win at Dallas with a trip to the city of brotherly love and batteries, Philly.  Great.  The Eagles, in a determined effort to help the Bears look good at home, decided to not use their mobile QB.  I screamed for a play action boot leg!  Instead, the Eagles ran a dive play allowing the outside linebackers to crash around the line and stop the Eagles on 4th and goal.  The NFC East is full of nasty teams. Pick: Redskins.  The Giants take on Seattle (yawn) and the Cowsluts take on the hopeless 0-4 Bengals (double yawn).  

Other musings...

Oklahoma as #1 is a reward for a soft schedule relative to the SEC.  Just play Texas and get it over with.  Win a real game.  

Gentlemen, enjoy baseball tonight.  Any picks for baseball??

Week 3: Injuries, Old QB's and the Toilet Bowl

This morning we awoke to the news that in a 1990s retro decision Trent Green is now the starter for the STL Rams.  Green, pictured below being carted off the field, is famous for... hmmmm, injuries.  Granted the entire state of Ohio is in a state of mourning over the play (or lack thereof) by the Bungals and the Steamers (more on that later), but the Rams are last in the league in total defense, second to last in total offense (behind before mentioned Steamers), last in rushing yards, and 27th in passing yards.  This team is terrible and benching Bulgar is not the answer.  The Rams have not had a decent offense line since the days of Marshall Faulk.  Trent Green is being thrown to the wolves and I hope he survives the season.

 

The Rams continued the shake-up by making changes in the secondary.  This news is surprising.  The Rams have a secondary?  Mighty Mike already ranted about the idiots in charge of this team and he is right.

In breaking news, Matt Milen was fired by Detroit.  The article states: "The 0-3 start dropped Millen to 31-84 overall, giving the Lions at least 10 more losses than any other NFL team over the past seven-plus seasons." For those who are curious, here are selected draft picks of the Millen regime: Joey Harrington, Charles Rodgers, Roy Williams, Roy Rodgers, Mike Williams, and Jose Oquendo.  I hear the Rams need help!!

Midwest football is in a state of total disarray.  The Colts look mortal and the Bears found another way to lose last week as Griese enacted revenge upon his old team.  In unrelated news, this post about the Raiders is funny.

The Toilet Bowl!  This week the 0-3 Steamers face off against 0-3 Cincy.  Gutsy is going with Cincy but I'm going to put it on the line this week and pick the Steamers.  Romeo "the decider" told the media he would start Derek Anderson ahead of Brady Quinn.  What do you think? Honestly, this is the right move.  The Steamers are 0-3 (0-2 in conference), play one of the toughest schedules, and injuries rocked both lines.  If Romeo's clock management skills rivaled his battle toad skills the Browns would still be 0-3.  The Steamers may sneak out of this season with 6 wins but playoff? Nope.  Nothing good can come from throwing Quinn to the wolves (see a pattern emerging?).  Start Anderson and dump him on the trading block.

Week 4 games of note

Jesus at the Jets: Despite the media attention focused on Brett Farve, he looked lousy on Monday night versus the Chargers.  Pick: Jesus

ATL at Carolina: Both teams are 2-1 and fighting for division superiority.  I'm not ready to jump on the ATL band wagon... pick Carolina

Washington @ Dallas: This game will be a real test for the Skins but they do not have the talent to keep up with the high powered Cowsluts.  Pick: Dallas

Philly at Chicago: Wow, the Eagles put a smackdown on the Steelers that transported this author back to smash mouth football or earlier eras.  Pick: Philly

Green Bay at Tampa Bay: The Packers recover from the Cowboy game by beating TB on the road.

The battle of retro QB's continues as Gus "the TD machine" Frerotte takes the Vikings into TN for a match-up against Kerry Collins.  Wow- 1990s memories anyone? Pick: TN

Finally, we will not see Ed Hochuli officiate late in the post season due to discipline by the league for his blown call Week 2.  The good news is that this will give him additional time to feel the deep burn and sculpt his guns in the office.

Random Comments: Week 2

Damn, my body is hot.  The off-season workouts and punishing the NFL rules committee has really improved my guns.  Unfortunately, the committee did not accept the paddling for 15 yards penalty but I am optimistic for the future.

I am ready for the NFL season and the dry cleaner shrunk my zebra outfit to a skin tight fit. What? Cutler fumbled?  Damn, I'm going to head lock the rules committee for the empty hand moving forward doctrine. 

NFL- The NFC East is back.  Last night's MNF game proved very little about the Cowboys. Many sports fans picked Dallas to win the NFC East but the Eagles showed a potent offense that can score points with deep threats.  I do not remember the last time the Eagles had a real deep threat.  Granted the deep threat needs to STOP celebrating before he reaches the end zone but hey... rookie mistake right?

Looking ahead, the Eagles have the 2-0 Steelers in town next week.  Last night, the Eagles line gave McNabb time and his health is the key for the continued Eagles resurgence.   The Steelers blitz packages will provide another early season test for the line.  Pick: Eagles

Interesting Week 3 Match-ups

• 1-1 Oakland at surprising 2-0 Bills: Nobody circles the wagons like the Bills.  Pick BILLS
• 2-0 Jesus powered Cardinals vs. Washington:  Pick WAS
• 0-2 STL vs. 0-2 Seattle: The battle of the cellar dwellers!  Pick Seattle
• 1-1 New Orleans at Denver: If Denver has the power to eliminate Ed Hochuli from Super Bowl contention, what else can they do? DEN
• 0-2 JAX at Indy: 0-3 JAX? Yup.  Pick Indy
• 0-2 Steamers at 1-1 Cobra Commander: Brian Billick no longer coaches the evil cobra empire... the legacy lives.  Pick COBRA
• 2-0 Dallas at 2-0 Green Bay: Gutsy, this should be the manwich.  Pick GB
• 1-1 Jets at 0-2 Whale's Vagina: I am curious to see how San Diego responds to the blown call last week.  Pick SD

NCAA Football: No joy, electricity, or ability to hold the football in the Big Ten this weekend. The Wolverines currently have the longest streak of winning seasons (40, 1968-present) and bowl games (33, 1975-present) and both streaks are in jeopardy.  Last week the Maze and Blue turned the ball over 6 times vs. ND.  Ugly.  Granted the team is young but the rain impacts both teams and ND did NOT turn the ball over 6 times.

Last year, I beat up OSU QB Todd Boeckman on this blog prior to the clash of Michigan and Ohio State but the staunch OSU defense anchored by the arms of Gholston and the running attack managed to hide this problem.  We saw the problem at USC.  

Editors Note: Watch out for Oklahoma.  Their schedule is far easier (minus Red River classic versus Texas) than Georgia in the fight for the #2 position behind USC.

That is sufficient rambling for one morning.  I'll be back with asinine analysis, douchebaggery, and taunting later this week.

In Memory of Sean Taylor

The Penguin says...

IT BEGINS

This week is national hate on "the" Ohio State week. Like in Nam, there are rules here in the blog world so I will feign analysis and begin the real work of taunting Mighty. In the spirit of "know your opponent" here is a trip down the history of the hated Brutus the Nut.




Take a look at the 1965 Nut. Who is intimidated by this jerk-off?? This is either Jug-Dish or Kent Dorfman forced to dress as the nut in order to pledge the frat. In other news, the nut was paddled by Kevin Bacon during an odd pledge ritual and the sheep filed charges. The Nut has progressed during the ages. The 1979 Nut was diagnosed with clinical depression. This makes sense considering the number of times the "the" ohio state would be cock slapped by that team up north.



The 2005 Brutus the nut, after the Prozac kicked into effect, is still a loser. This man believes that dressing as the nut will allow you access to OSU pippy long stocking's vagine. Borat likes sexy time but dressing as the nut does not win you girls and you don't win friends with salad.

That was a lovely trip in time thank you peabody. Quiet YOU!

Coaching: Edge "the" OSU
Rivalry games define your coaching career. Disagree? Ask John Cooper. Carr has been owned by the sweatervest. Although everybody poops, Carr does not and should not during the OSU week. Carr's lack of ability to... let's see... call a play that fools someone rivals that of Joe Gibbs. If God is not indifferent to my suffering, both Gibbs and Carr will be fired at the end of the season. Carr and Gibbs would play each other in Madden 08 to a 3-3 tie by running HB off-tackle each play.

Carr coaching the Wolverines means my liver (hope) is eaten by a large bird each year only to re-grow in the off-season.

See Carr yelling like the old man from the porch. In this photo, he is yelling "I AM STUCK IN THE 1960s play calling!! Hart!! Run behind Jake Long!!"

Offense-- edge to the Wolverines. Hart is the difference. If healthy, Hart will run for 100 + yards. In last year's game, Hart owned the Buckeyes D for 180 yards and 3 TDs. A healthy Henne and Hart gives the edge to Michigan.

Defense-- push. Both teams lost NFL level starters from last year's teams and both squads have played like it.

Special Teams-- edge to the OSU. Michigan special teams are special in that american sort of way and take the same short bus. OSU kicking game consistently roughs up the wolverines. Nuff said. Please... Michigan, use a scholarship on a new kicker.

Henne and Hart start-- Michigan by 7.
No Henne-- Michigan by 3.
No Hart-- OSU by 7.



GO BLUE
-- note-- the original post had a lovely @ss picture with OSU on it. It will make a reappearance soon.

Week 4 the Young and Restless

In the spirit of Dr Gutsy's week 4 post, here are a few NFL results explained in Soap Oprah
format and plot lines including: wife trading, unexplained brain injuries, anger, jealousy, pregnancy and identity issues.


Matt Leinart/Jesus powered Arizona Cardinals defeat the Steelers.

• Cardinals coaching staff inform Warner that: if the Cardinals win, he gets Sunday night with one of Leinart's lovely AZ co-eds (but she cannot enjoy it).
• Leinart is informed that if the Cardinals lose, he must spend the night with Mrs. Warner.

KC defeats SD

• Herm Edwards is mad because he was born and takes it out on Norv Turner.

Bears attempt 51 passing plays

• Bears coaching staff suffer a seriously nerve condition creating mistaken identity. Bears think they are a passing team. This condition may be fatal.

Lions are 3-1 and Browns are 2-2. HUH???? Are these cases of jealousy or mistaken identity? Lions post last years total offense in 2nd half and Browns score 24 in one half vs. Cobra.. Soap Oprah's explain this by creating a new wealthy brain surgeon ( Dr. Anderson and Dr. Martz).

NYG post 11 sacks and counting vs. Eagles on SNF

• Will the real NYG's D please stand up?? They blanked the Skins in the 2nd half and pitch a shut out vs. the Eagles for almost 3 quarters.
• Eagles in week 3 throw back uniforms (UGLY) scored 42 points in the first half but tonight? 3
  

MNF football preview

• Cincy defensive starters will be pregnant (Brady is the father) by halftime.
• brady takes out a loan for child support
  

nfl sunday ticket

	Teams Playing at 1 PM (ET)	Ch.

Arizona Cardinals at Baltimore Ravens 704 Minnesota Vikings at Kansas City Chiefs 705 Detroit Lions at Philadelphia Eagles 706 San Francisco 49ers at Pittsburgh Steelers 707 St. Louis Rams at Tampa Bay Buccaneers 708 San Diego Chargers at Green Bay Packers 709 Indianapolis Colts at Houston Texans 710 Miami Dolphins at New York Jets 711 Buffalo Bills at New England Patriots 712

Teams Playing at 4 PM (ET)

Ch.

Cleveland Browns at Oakland Raiders 715 Cincinnati Bengals at Seattle Seahawks 713 Jacksonville Jaguars at Denver Broncos 714 New York Giants at Washington Redskins 716 Carolina Panthers at Atlanta Falcons 717

Wow- how time flies and how quickly summer ends. Happy new year and I hope all BSD are inscribed in the book of life.

Due to a new job, I have not posted. I know the BSD missed my cheers and cheers.

Time for my random thoughts...

Cheers to the yanks... amazing ball since the all star break.

Jeers to the Giants for classic cut and run. Bonds may come with issues but the business of mlb reigns supreme.

Cheers to the NFL Sunday ticket and avoiding Ravens regional coverage. All BSD invited to the ticket.

Jeers to Mighty who left DC and still gets Skins due to regional coverage.