The NFL's Final Four

Baltimore @ Pittsburgh - As any long-time reader knows, I am from Cleveland and I cannot stop hating the Baltimore Ravens. The hatred blinds my judgment to the point that I have pretty much failed to analyze the Ravens in any constructive way, though in my NFL preview this year, I pointed out that Coach Harbaugh is clearly Serpentor, since he has succeeded the former coach, Cobra Commander, aka Brian Billick. [For those needing a brief history of why any of us referred to the old coach, Brian Billick, as Cobra Commander, it all started back in a comment on a post in November 2005 - "Brian Billick is Cobra Commander. He has all these wonderful plans, but forgets to do major things (like actually kill a GI Joe), or in Billick's case, actually score points." MJ proceeded to post pictures of 70s Billick and Cobra Commander, and the rest is history]

Needless to say, I think that analyzing the rise and fall of Serpentor in the animated series is the only way to analyze the weakness of Serpentor and the Baltimore Ravens, who have no business being in the AFC Championship game:

1) In the animated series, Serpentor was supposedly created due to a dissatisfaction with Cobra Commander's leadership abilities (i.e. he never actually wins!). This is just like the Baltimore Ravens - they created Coach Serpentor (Harbaugh) due to Billick's lack of winning since the year 2000 Super Bowl.
2) Serpentor, in the cartoon, was created by extracting DNA from: Napoleon in Paris, a General in Egypt, The Crypt of Vlad Tempe aka Dracula, Sun Zu, Ghangis Khan, Montezuma, Alexander the Great, and Ivan the Terrible, as well as later using some DNA from... Sgt Slaughter (Bill Cowher)!
3) Apparently, in part 5 of the 5-part animated show, Serpentor falls for "General Hawk and the Joes posing for the President and other officials surrendering to Cobra. This allows the Joes to get close enough to mount an attack."

Lesson learned from the fall of Serpentor: Use trick plays! Flea-flickers, decoys, pump fakes, end-arounds, statue of liberty plays, wildcat formations, and any other gimmick play you can think of. This is how one will beat the Ravens, because Serpentor falls for cheap tricks. I also assume you can make Serpentor believe there are pennies behind his ears, so I would also hire extra grandpas for this week's game just to make sure Harbaugh is distracted before the game and during the game.
Pick: Pittsburgh

Philadelphia @ Arizona - There's no other way to describe this game other than by reminding yourself that this is clearly, without a doubt, the most unexpected NFC Championship game in history. Anyways, I was trying to make sense of the insanity that was the 2008 Playoffs. Perhaps the 2008 playoffs can actually be defined as the winning team having the better QB in each game. In the AFC, it actually doesn't work out that well (is Flacco better than Pennington and Kerry Collins? Is Roethlisberger better than Rivers? Is Rivers better than Peyton?) But in the NFC, it actually works out rather conveniently: Kurt Warner is better than rookie Matt Ryan and Kurt Warner is better than Jake Delhomme. Donovan McNabb is better than Tarvaris Jackson and McNabb is better than Eli Manning. Those weren't really groundbreaking conclusions. The tougher decision is whether Kurt Warner is better than Donovan McNabb... in 2008, not the year 2001, when they last met in the playoffs. I want to say Kurt Warner... so I'm doing the unthinkable thing... I'm going with the Cardinals.
Also, it gives me a chance to say something I haven't said in weeks: Nobody beats the Whiz! (that's Coach Whisenhunt for the new readers out there)
Pick: Arizona

Last week: 1-3 (ouch! only got Pittsburgh)
Playoffs: 2-6 (I just puked).

NFL Preview 2008 -

You want to check out past previews which were incorrect? There's 2007 [New England over New Orleans], 2006 [Indy over Giants], 2005 [CAR over Indy], and 2004 [??? - apparently no longer on the internet] all waiting to be laughed at.

On to the preview...

AFC East
1-New England - Even if Tom Brady is dinged up, they still should sleepwalk their way through the season, lose a few games just to not deal with the hype of an undefeated season.
5-Buffalo - Buffalo is the team to watch, in my biased opinion. Look, they should get 4 wins in the division (Miami and the Jets), at least 3 wins from the NFC West, a good chance at another 3 wins from the AFC West (Kansas City, Oakland, and maybe Denver)... and then if they beat either Cleveland or Seattle... that's 11 wins! They have a young defense that added D-Lineman Marcus Stroud, which should be enough defense to get to 10 or 11 wins and get the Bills into the playoffs!
NY Jets - Brett Favre going to the Jets is like when Ted Danson tried to make a return to TV comedy in 2006 on a show called "Help Me Help You." No one will remember Ted Danson for that failed experiment just like no one will remmber that Favre was on the Jets or that Joe Montana was once on the Kansas City Chiefs.
Miami - Yeah... not going to worry about these guys until next year. I hope Ricky Williams does well and waits until after the season to start partying.

AFC North
4-Pittsburgh - It's only going to take 9 wins to win this division, what with this division drawing the AFC South (Indy, Jacksonville, Tenn, Hou) and NFC East (Dallas, Giants, Washington, Philly) which ALL finished over .500.
Cleveland - with the murderous schedule, I really think it's possible for the Browns to play better than last year's 10-6 miracle... yet finish with only 8 wins. The 2009 season will bring the playoffs, or heads will roll.
Cincy - The Countdown until Marvin Lewis gets fired in December begins now.
Baltimore - The show GI Joe was just not as successful in my mind when Cobra Commander left and Serpentor took over. I have a feeling Coach Billick (aka Cobra Commander) is trying to come up with a plan right now to take over his old office.

AFC South
3-Indy- Yawn... it just seems like the regular season won't mean much for these guys as it all comes down to the playoffs and you never know with them when they will get upset or when they will go on a run.
6-Jacksonville - It stinks that they can't get a top-4 seed. Let's start a movement to change the rules.
Houston - Go Matt Schaub!
Tennessee - I really despise these guys. They stunk all season, as did Vince Young, yet somehow made the playoffs. I hope they do awful this season. No, I'm not bitter.

AFC West
2- San Diego - Before Merriman went down, I really thought this would be Phillip Rivers' turn to win the Super Bowl, after fellow draftees Roethlisberger & Eli Manning had already become champions. I think Rivers will have to wait one more season.
Denver - I'm still not sure which RBs they are using this year.
Oakland - Seeing McFadden in the pros should be exciting, but I'm not sure how durable he is.
KC - Their new o-line can't be any worse than last year, but it still probably won't be very good.

NFC East
1-Dallas - They are loaded and ready to go on a run!
6- Philly - One more playoff push for Donovan McNabb!
Washington -Zorn!!!!
NY Giants - Take away their 2007 strength (D-linemen) and they won't be able to avoid the cellar in their brutal division.

NFC North
2-Minnesota - If the defense is as good as it is hyped, QB Tavaris Jackson will only have to reach a Trent Dilfer level of competency
5- Green Bay - The Packers could be like the show News Radio when they tried to replace Phil Hartman [aka Brett Favre] with Jon Lovitz [Aaron Rodgers] and moderately failed. Of course, Aaron Rodgers may not even be as good as Jon Lovitz, in which case the Packers probably won't make the playoffs.
Chicago - "Kyle Orton Hears a Who" is the starter? Really?
Detroit - Um... yeah.

NFC South
3- New Orleans - The Saints are back! Again!
TB - No idea.
CAR - Why should anyone believe in Delhomme after Tommy John surgery?
ATL - This team could turn out to be like the show Growing Pains. It's entirely possible that RB Michael Turner is that relatively established star (a la Alan Thicke) who gets added to a young, new cast and starts to make magic happen. The real question is whether rookie QB Matt Ryan can be as good as Kirk Cameron.

NFC West
4-Seattle - they can still win the division even with a lot of injuries going into the season.
Arizona -Kurt Warner... he's back! [say it like the girl in Poltergeist]
St. Louis - I've just given up on these guys.
San Fran - We can also sadly start the countdown for San Fran to fire their coach too.

Playoffs!

AFC
3-Indy over 6-Jacksonville
5-Buffalo over 4-Pittsburgh

3-Indy over 2-San Diego
1-New England over 5-Buffalo

1-New England over 3- Indy

NFC
3-New Orleans over 6-Philly
5-Green Bay over 4-Seattle

1-Dallas over 5-Green Bay
2-Minny over 3-New Orleans

1-Dallas over 2-Minny

Super Bowl: 1- Dallas over 1-New England (Belichick is such a loser!)

The End of An Era!

After a long 9-season stand-off, Cobra Commander (Brian Billick) has been fired!

2007 really has been an amazing year! Now the only questions are:

1) where does Cobra go now?, and

2) who will replace him and get the nickname, "Serpentor?"

Firings

The following people in the NFL should be fired:

1. Mike Sherman (Packers) - Injuries aside, this team doesn't even try to hide the fact that they've mailed it in. Ultimately, if wins are an impossibility, a coach has to at least get effort from his players. Sherman's not running a tight ship up there and it's time for the culture to change in Wisconsin.

2. Mike Martz (Rams) - In effect, this has already happened. He let a good thing get away and tried to be too cute when he had all of those chips working. He never understood the need for a strong running game to balance the 45 pass attempts per game. He's also a bit of a megalomaniac and I don't know if that works well on a rebuilding team.

3. Mike Tice (Vikings) - The recent winning streak and unlikely playoff contention aside, there are three things that work against Tice in my opinion. First, his team was expected to win their division this year (not by me, but that's beside the point). Second, the team discipline on the Vikings is clearly lacking. Third, assuming the Vikings go 1-1 to end the year, at the end of the day, Tice has still never done better than 9-7 in a season. He's had all sorts of talent to work with since 2002 when he took over. He's just not getting it done. As far as I'm concerned, coaches should only be allowed to save their jobs when the team plays hard and rebounds from on-field adversity. Off-field and disciplinary issues should always cost a coach his job, especially in the face of consistent underperformance, as the case has been in Minnesota.

4. Dom Capers (Texans) - A truly clueless individual. To regress from 7-9 in 2004 to possibly 2-14 in 2005 is unconscionable. He has no idea what to do with the offensive gameplan. He's just lost out there.

5. Jim Haslett (Saints) - A hurricane, even of biblical proportions, is no excuse for the fact that his teams are never prepared to win games and always find convenient excuses for their losses. This isn't the first year the Saints have completely sucked. At a certain point, Haslett has to answer for his 45-49 career coaching record.

6. Brian Billick (Ravens) - Last night's win notwithstanding, the supposed offensive mastermind and his staff of supposed offensive masterminds have still not figured out a way to score points on a consistent basis. The team's drafting has been astute. Now it's time for management to use that intelligence on a young head coach with a smaller ego and a better work ethic.

7. Norv Turner (Raiders) - Exhibit A in the case of racism in NFL hiring practices. For a man that failed spectacularly in Washington and could not generate any offense in Miami as a coordinator, I think it's quite obvious that this guy can't make it work if Troy, Emmit, Moose and Michael aren't on his roster. He should be fired and never re-hired.

8. Mike Mularkey (Bills) - Taking a team on the cusp of the playoffs in 2004 to the bottom of the conference in 2005 is bad. Not communicating with star players, employing a revolving door at QB and allowing a once-stout defense to become Swiss cheese merits termination.

9. Dick Jauron (Lions) - I only suggest his firing because the whole organization needs a housecleaning, starting with Matt Millen. It's not Jauron's fault the Lions are in this mess but if the ownership in Detroit is serious about fixing the Lions' problems, they need to expunge the entire front office and coaching staff, throw a lot of money at player personnel directors Scott Pioli (New England) or Joe Banner (Philadelphia) and let those guys hire their own people.

I'm giving a pass to Jeff Fisher (Titans), Herman Edwards (Jets), and Dennis Green (Cardinals) because their teams were either being rebuilt, ravaged by injuries at key positions, or haven't had enough time in their position to make an impact.

Week 9 – And Knowing is Half the Battle

I thought I’d continue our GI Joe theme…

1) I caught this headline on SI.com by Jay Mohr about the “real issue that’s killing the NBA.” Basically, Jay Mohr says the problem is that 2nd round picks hardly make an NBA roster, whereas in the NFL, a 6th round pick (i.e. Tom Brady) can be a Super Bowl MVP. Jay – did you KNOW that an NFL team has 50 players, whereas the NBA only has 12, perhaps explaining why 2nd round picks do not often make the team or have much impact?
And knowing, is half the battle!

2) During my 7 minutes of Sportscenter in the morning, ESPN went to their “college analyst, Mark May” to preview the V-tech –Miami game. Mark May has a very interesting opinion – he thinks there are 3 keys to the game. 1) Defense, 2) QBs and how they affect the offense… now at this point I’m laughing. I’m thinking that some producer at ESPN will stop him, but his “3rd key to the game is special teams. Special teams can really affect a game.” Now Mark May KNOWS the 3 parts of the game. I don’t want to steal the thunder from another blogger, but a pie may be of order…

On to the games, where there are only 4 home favorites this week, so it could be a wild week:

Editor’s Note: All quotes are actual quotes from the “Knowing is Half the Battle” segment at the end of the GI Joe show, courtesy of: http://www.geocities.com/TelevisionCity/Set/1577/joeendings.html (you can find all 33 lessons there)-

Manwich Matchup of the Week:
Indy @ New England- As if there was even a question who was going to be the Manwich Matchup… everyone has jumped on the Indy bandwagon and everyone believes they will exorcise the Patriots demons that have tormented them for the last few seasons. Indy even had a bye week to prepare. I’m just hoping they get the job done, because I DON’T want to be reading articles about the genius of Bill Belichick on Tuesday morning.
Pick: Indy

Upset of the Week:
Pittsburgh @ Green Bay- I’m going out on a limb and going with the Packers. They’re at home, so that should be good for 3 wins I’m guessing. In addition, Pittsburgh is banged up and coming off of a short week. I also expect Brett Favre to get glasses/contacts this week in order to reduce the number of interceptions he’s thrown. As one of the GI Joes once said to a 10-year old – “Maybe you stink at baseball because you need glasses. Having your eyes tested may clear things up. Don't avoid a problem. Meet it ( and beat it).” I wish I made that up.
Pick: Green Bay

Chicago @ New Orleans- I want to pick New Orleans, but they are absolutely hapless without Deuce McAllister. Please note, with the Bears sweep of the Lions, they are most likely going to the playoffs, where they would host the top NFC wildcard [either Carolina/Atlanta/Philly/NY Giants]. Their defense would have to score 14 points for them to have a chance.
Pick: Chicago

Atlanta @ Miami – I think Shaq and company would beat the Hawks.
Pick: Atlanta

CAR @ Tampa Bay- Steve Smith is amazing. A magician! And Stephen Davis is a fantasy god-send, scoring 2 TDs every week!
Pick: CAR

Cincy @ Baltimore- Carson Palmer will continue the onslaught, as Brian “Cobra Commander” Billick hisses out “Retreaattt!”, just like every other episode.
Pick: Cincy

Houston @ Jacksonville- The Texans won a game last week because he followed Shipwreck’s advice: “Don't run away from home- Isn't it better to try to solve problems instead of runnin' away from 'em?... And remember, running away (leads nowhere).”
Pick: Jacksonville

Oakland @ KC- So who is that guy on the right of Cobra Commander?
Pick: KC

San Diego @ NY Jets- San Diego is the most incredible 4-4 team in the universe.
Pick: San Diego

Tennessee @ Cleveland- I’m absolutely done picking the Browns this season. As Flint on GI Joe once said: “Don't get mad at your goalie for letting in a bad goal. Will yelling at Billy help?... Look, if you want to play your best you got to play like a team. Remember, you need teamwork to win, not arguments.”
Pick: Tennessee

NYGiants @ San Fran- The 49ers are down to their 4th & 5th string QBs. I think they should heed a lesson from… “How to stop a nose bleed- Pinch your nose closed and lean forward. If it doesn't stop in 5 minutes, pack your nose with gauze and pinch it closed for ten more minutes. If its still bleeding, then see a doctor.” Can GI Joe really give medical advice?
Pick: NY Giants

Seattle @ Arizona- I almost picked Arizona. Almost. But then I remembered seeing some of their players jumping over downed, live electrical power wires. And GI Joe once said: “Don't jump your bike over downed power lines. --Remember, don't play around electric wires or you could be playing with fire.”
Pick: Seattle

Philly @ Washington- This should be quite the interesting game. I think Washington is going to be pumped as hell to redeem themselves from last week’s 36-0 shellacking. I don’t think Philly has to be alarmed yet. As said on GI Joe – “Don't pull the fire alarm unless there's a fire. Remember, a firefighter's job is to fight fires- not answer false alarms.”
Pick: Washington

Last week: 9-5
Season: 69-47
Manwich Matchup: 4-4 (The Broncos thrashed the Eagles)
Upset Special: 2-6 (That is the last time I pick the Browns this year.)

Ravens Coaching Staff

Here we can see Baltimore Ravens head coach Cobra Commander Billick in the foreground with offensive coordinator Tomax "Don't Call me Xamot" Fassel on the right and defensive coordinator Destro Ryan on the left. Apparently Billick's preference for 70's-style clothing runs throughout the coaching staff. Between gameplanning sessions, these guys like to play dress-up. No wonder why the Ravens can't get off the ground...

Brian Billick

In Gutsy's honor, I'm posting a picture of Baltimore Ravens head coach Brian "Ladykiller" Billick. As you correctly point out, "he has all these wonderful plans, but forgets to do major things...[like] actually score points." Gutsy, you must understand, it's hard damn work being so good-looking. There's so little time to coach when you can look as studly as he does...

(Source: http://www.matchgame.org/bbillick/)

Procrastination Posting

I should be finishing one midterm (due tonight by 5pm) and focusing on another that I haven't started yet (due Thursday) but I thought it might be better to blog about current events in sports before I get back to my responsibilities as a student (to say nothing of my responsibilities as an employee)...

1. Goodbye Theo: Red Sox GM Theo Epstein quit yesterday. If you believe the Boston Herald, it's because Theo was losing a power struggle against Red Sox CEO Larry Lucchino. If you believe the Boston Globe (a subsidiary of the company that owns 17% of the team), it's because Theo got too big for his britches and didn't like working under a more experienced, hands-on type of executive like Lucchino. If you believe Peter Gammons (the biggest moron in the history of baseball reporting morons), it's because Theo didn't like being a celebrity and wanted to restore some normalcy to his life. The truth absolutely lies somewhere in between the Herald and the Globe accounts. It's well-documented that Larry Lucchino is baseball's ultimate Machiavellian Prince, a classic double-speaker who stands for nothing and wields a sharp knife so I'm sure Theo was tired of working for such an individual. Whatever the reason, the Red Sox are worse for losing Theo. Not because he's some kind of baseball genius (he isn't) but because the luster of the 2004 season is quickly becoming dull with infighting and roster turnover. I eagerly await The Sports Guy's spin. Having read his book, a paean to the brilliance of the John Henry/Tom Werner/Lucchino/Theo group that delivered a championship, I wonder who's side TSG will take.

2. Cloth Curtain: That's how I choose to mock the Pittsburgh Steelers who nearly lost to one of the worst football teams in the NFL. I know Ben Roethlisberger is hurting more than he might be letting on but there is no excuse for letting a team with no QB, no WR's and an RB who admitted last week that he's not giving 100% nearly beat you at home. I think the Steelers are a decent team, certainly capable of winning a big game like last week's game against the Bengals but to follow it up with a near-stinker when they're 8 1/2 point favorites at home? That's not a convincing Super Bowl contender to me. Heresy as it might be among the Clevelandites around here, I think the Broncos are a better team and they're my pick to make it to the Super Bowl. If I were Cowher, I'd spend less time using steroids (have you seen him recently?) and more time coaching the team on simple things like snapping the ball.

3. Fletch Lives: Fletch said "I hate Tommy Lasorda" and I agree. That fat little man, in the ear of Dodgers owner Frank McCourt, is ruining everything. To quote several sources, old-schoolers like Lasorda and the dimwitted media are so afraid of new-age thinking that they immediately trash what they don't understand. So DePodesta doesn't have the best people-skills. So he didn't play baseball as a kid. Does that mean he doesn't know what he's doing? Moreover, does that mean that Lasorda does? In case those fools at Chavez Ravine hadn't noticed, the team that plays 30 miles due south and OUTSIDE of city limits, is re-branding itself as a team from Los Angeles. And they're doing a good job. Sure we can make fun of the silly LAA of A moniker but there's no denying that with an interested owner, a lot of money, the city's best player (Vlad), the city's best pitcher (Colon) and the city's best closer (FRod -- sorry Gagne, you snooze, you lose), people are forgetting about the Dodgers. The Dodgers are in the quintessential "team with no plan" phase, having fired their manager, then shortly before announcing the final list of managerial candidates, firing their GM. And why? Because the fat little manicotti, threatened by a young man who speaks a different language, told the owner to pull the trigger. Will the Dodgers really be better off with Pat Gillick or another old fart at GM? Look around the game, paisano -- the GM's are getting younger. They're young enough to be your grandson. Now why don't you get out of the team's way before you make it worse, huh?

(Author's note - I'm exhausted and very stressed out so I am not going to proofread this posting. If it's full of typos and run-on sentences, so be it. Better here than in my midterm. I'm so fucked.)