4th Annual NBA Finals Preview

Last year, I was overjoyed for the NBA Finals with my own team, the Cleveland Cavaliers, crashing the party. This year, I am dealing with the one matchup I have been dreading: the Lakers vs. the Celtics. I will do my best to avoid being negative and instead focus on the positives of this matchup.

Just as a recap, in 2005, my NBA Finals Preview used Star Wars quotes. In 2006, I used Indiana Jones quotes. In 2007, I used Back to the Future quotes... without further adieu, it is time to analyze the classic NBA finals matchup that is before us. Because I am not entirely happy about the matchup, I find the matchup similar to the Aliens vs. Predator movie as well as the sequel, from AVPR: Aliens vs. Predator - Requiem. Both the Lakers and the Celtics are dangerous and powerful. They each have crafty veterans that have enabled them to eliminate their opponents. I also believe that this matchup has nothing to do with the matchups from the '80s - kind of like how AVPR had absolutely nothing to do with Aliens vs. Predator!

1. Dale: This plan is stupid! Let's just leave town now.
Dallas: We're not gonna make it out of the playoffs without more weapons, dickhead. You're too stupid to talk Dale, shut up!
This goes out to Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak. After losing Andrew Bynum to injury on January 13, 2008, GM Mitch Kupchak realized he needed more weapons... and he suddenly landed Pau Gasol on February 1, 2008! Many have questioned the logic behind the Grizzlies giving up Pau Gasol for a large expiring contract (Kwame Brown), two low 1st round picks, a rookie PG (Crittendon), and Pau Gasol's younger brother, Marc Gasol. Hell, now the owner has even admitted he may not have gotten the most value! Well... at least the Grizzlies will have cap space this summer... and a spare Gasol! Granted, usually the "other" brother of two professional athletes is never that good. For instance there was Michael Vick who went to prison, but Marcus could only get in trouble for pot and hanging around 14-year old females ; Dominique "the human highlight" Wilkins but then there was Gerald "I'm a Jordan-stopper" Wilkins; Pavel Bure was great, but Valeri Bure could only marry DJ from Full House. Similarly, I see Marc as just one of those "other" brothers who just becomes part of a trivia question. Of course, this could end up more like the Mannings, the Barbers, or the Alomar brothers, where both enjoy some success. However, for some reason, I don't think it's happening. In the meantime, the Lakers certainly benefited from the decision, despite the great upside potential of Marc.
Advantage: Lakers

2. This whole thing was a trap!
I think that's what Doc Rivers will be saying at some point 10 minutes after multiple turnovers are forced by the Lakers and their defense. As much as I rip on Doc Rivers, the rest of the team is smart though and would probably make an adjustment before Doc Rivers realizes he needs to adjust, so then Doc Rivers can praise them for their "tenacity."
Advantage: Lakers

3. Gentlemen? It is my job to keep you alive on this expedition, and I need your help to do that. Since I don't have time to properly train you, I'm laying down three simple rules. One: no one goes anywhere alone, ever. Two: everyone must maintain constant communication. Three: unexpected things are gonna happen. When they do, no one tries to be a hero. Understood?
It sounds like a Doc Rivers pre-game speech. It's kind of inspiring but it really does not give you any kind of specific instructions on what to do, other than communicate with each other. On the "unexpected" front, one of the main unknowns in my mind is what kind of production Boston's center, Kendrick Perkins, will be giving. He torched Detroit at the end of their series, but he was awful at times against the Cavaliers. Which one will show up for Gasol and the Lakers?
Advantage: Lakers

4. Lex: I've never seen a gun save someone's life.
Rousseau: I don't plan on using it.
Lex: Then why bring it?
Rousseau: Same principle as a condom. I'd rather have one and not need it, then need it and not have one.
Similarly, this is why the Lakers have a deep bench and Phil Jackson as coach; so they can be prepared for any situation that they face. The Celtics? They will just panic and hope that they naturally discover a way to adjust to their problems. The Celtics do have a decent bench, but I still don't think Doc Rivers knows how to use it. Panicking and relying on things to simply "work themselves out" may work in the regular season and in the Eastern Conference playoffs, but not in the NBA Finals.
Advantage: Lakers

5. It's common in ritual sacrifice to take the heart of the victim.
If anyone is going to lose their mind this weekend, and start doing real crazy stuff, it's KG. This is a guy who always is in full-tilt mode, even in game #27 of the season. How are his crazed emotions going to affect his play in the NBA Finals? Probably positively, assuming he doesn't kill anyone.
Advantage: Celtics

6. We have to consider the possibility that we might not make it out of here.
In the end, I will try to enjoy KG's first trip to the Finals. However, short of him exerting his will on Lamar Odom, I do not see how the Celtics are going to make this work. During the 1st round, I expressed my interest in having the Celtics lose early to "restore my faith in the theory that NBA Coaching does indeed have an effect on the outcome, especially when a complete moron is at the helm." Unfortunately, an early exit is no longer possible. However, I have to believe that Phil Jackson will find ways to expose Doc Rivers for what he is.
In addition, Doc Rivers has caused a great deal of damage, as Flip Saunders was fired for losing his 3rd straight conference finals, LeBron James was eliminated, and the Atlanta Hawks' gained a false sense of hope. The only good that can come from any of this? The fact that I initially thought the Pistons were hiring Mark Curry, from the sitcom Hangin' With Mr. Cooper as their head coach. I was mistaken though, and the Pistons actually hired Michael Curry, who I still will refer to as Mr. Cooper all next season.
In conclusion, Doc Rivers has already caused enough damage. It's only fitting that one of the greatest coaches, Phil Jackson, will be the one to eliminate Doc Rivers and the Boston Celtics.
Final Prediction: Lakers in 6

Apology Letter to Doc Rivers and the Celtics

Dear Doc Rivers,

I am sorry I ever doubted you, Doc Rivers. I am sorry I said that I compared the 2007-2008 Boston Celtics to the movie Freejack, in that both would end up with terrible endings. I am sorry I said that even a caveman could outcoach Doc Rivers.

Doc Rivers finally did something to positively impact his team - Coach Rivers realized that Eddie House was destroying the Cavs, and that Sam Cassell was not helping very much. Eddie House finally played more than 5 minutes in Game 6 and ended up playing 18 minutes and contributing well, albeit in a loss. In Game 7, House may not have scored much, but was involved in some hustle plays and played solid defense, as far as I can remember. While Sam Cassell was hot in Game 1, he really wasn't much of a factor since, and Doc Rivers finally noticed and just refused to play Sam Cassell in Game 7. While Rivers was able to figure out a better rotation as the series progressed, Coach Mike Brown was busy finding new lineups that did not work. For example, Game 6 had a Damon Jones, Sasha Pavlovic, Wally Szczerbiak trifecta and Game 7 had an awful backcourt of Damon Jones and Sasha Pavlovic for extended periods. Mike Brown would certainly point out that Daniel Gibson was injured, so he was forced to play Damon Jones, but Devin Brown was still available (instead of either Sasha or Damon). For some reason, Devin Brown played only played a combined 5 minutes the entire series, despite playing very well in April leading up to the playoffs.

An even bigger continuing problem for Mike Brown, is deferring responsibility to LeBron James. Mike Brown has said in various post-games reports over the years how he "trusts LeBron" in reference to any last-second decisions, passes, or shots taken by Lebron. These quotes make it apparent to me that the Cavs do not even call plays at the ends of the game (hence the LeBron James clear-out play, where everyone sits around and watches him). If the reason that Mike Brown does not really coach the offense is because he doesn't want to upset Lebron, I can understand that. Mike Brown wants to keep his job, obviously. However, Mike Brown is going to have to develop some sort of relationship with LeBron where he can make sure that certain mis-matches are exploited. Throughout this series, the Celtics really do not have anyone to guard Zydrunas Ilgauskas, though the boxscores do not tell the whole story. During Game 6, Z came into the game and single-handedly started a run by scoring 6 points, collecting 2 rebounds, and blocking 1 shot. Unfortunately, Z was not able to get any consistent shots in that game or game 7, because... well, it's up to LeBron each and every moment, which only brings about additional inconsistency. I understand that LeBron needs less of a structured offense, but it would probably have been helpful to integrate Z more often, especially in the crucial Game 7. LeBron is relied on for a lot, and in the end, LeBron should not be relied on for every strategic decision, as Mike Brown should be exerting some direction to the offense, rather than just watching the offense like a helpless spectator.

So in the end, I have to apologize to Doc Rivers. Game 7 showed that Doc Rivers found a better rotation, and he had Paul Pierce and Mike Brown to help him out and save the Celtics. I should have realized these were distinct possibilities, and I apologize for mocking Doc Rivers and claiming that he was an idiotic head coach. It's not like these other factors couldn't have possibly contributed to the Celtics victory in this series.

The funny thing? Now, either Coach Doc Rivers or Coach Flip Saunders will end up in the NBA Finals this year.

Choose or Lose: Doc Rivers or a Caveman?

Cavs vs. Celtics - Game 1 is on Tuesday at 8PM! The important question this series may answer: could a caveman out-coach Doc Rivers?

Picture comes from http://celtics247.com/blog

NBA Playoffs: The 2nd Round

Unfortunately, the Celtics beat the Hawks in game 7... by almost 40 points! While the boxscore for the game 7 will show that each team had 46 rebounds, it's actually very misleading because Boston just dominated the glass for the entire first half (en route to an 18-point halftime lead). I was starting to get excited to write a column about the 2002 Sacramento Kings - and how here in 2008, Stojakovic was helping the Hornets, Turkoglu was having a career season on the Magic, and Bibby was helping the Hawks. Alas, the Celtics slammed the door violently on the Hawks and on my column idea.

BUT, before we go around declaring that the Celtics are back, and making comparisons to the movie "How Stella got her Groove Back," let's keep this blowout in perspective: has any other NBA team ever been this wildly inconsistent within one series? Most likely not. I can't even think of one comparable 1 or 2-seed to ever be this much of a Jekyl and Hyde throughout one series, which makes the Celtics impossible to predict.

As we look ahead though, the funny thing about a Boston-Cleveland playoff series is that both teams are inconsistent! First off, while Cleveland and Boston split the season series, it means absolutely nothing because Cleveland went 2-1 with Hughes and Gooden but 0-1 with all the newcomers (but no Daniel "Tittie" Gibson) on 2/27, shortly after the trade. As a Cleveland Cavaliers fan, I am optimistic going into the series that anything really can happen with both teams failing to have consistency. Plus, for additional optimism, Doc Rivers poor game 4 strategy which included zero in-game adjustments (letting Ray Allen stay on Joe Johnson as Johnson scored 20 points in a quarter) then Doc Rivers making an adjustment for game 6, but refusing to have any in-game adjustments (double teaming Joe Johnson the ENTIRE game, resulting in Johnson passing the ball to every open teammate and yet another loss), gives me additional hope that Doc Rivers will somehow find a way to deprive his talented team of advancing.

In some of the other series, it already appears that the Pistons and Lakers will probably not have much trouble with the Magic and the Jazz, respectively. The other interesting 2nd round matchup is the Spurs-Hornets. The Hornets really dominated the Spurs in the 1st game and I don't see any reason why the Hornets won't advance, with the amazing inside-outside combo of Chris Paul, Stojakovic, and the big-men of West and Chandler. The Spurs should be able to fight back to some extent, but I don't know how the Spurs can advance past this one.

Explaining My Hatred of the 2007-2008 Celtics

I realize that in my NBA Playoff preview, I really avoided talking about the Celtics. Not only that, I've actually avoided them all season. I feel as though the time has come to explain my utter hatred and rage over these Boston Celtics. I've always been a fan of KG, but not really a fan of the older versions of Paul Pierce or Ray Allen. Just because you team all these guys together does not get me excited, and I just became even more annoyed as most of America hopped on their bandwagon almost immediately. Moreover, I felt like this plan was flawed due to the rest of the bench. While some of my initial concerns with the Celtics, described in my NBA season preview were defense and point guard play, the Celtics certainly proved me wrong during the season, as they played great defense and Rondo was a great defensive asset. Plus, the Celtics added Sam Cassell for additional offensive punch (and because they really had no depth at PG). The Celtics proved me wrong during the season, but I could not escape my hatred from growing as they became even more successful throughout the season.

Nonetheless, my other concern with the Celtics still remains- Doc Rivers is the coach. Here is a man who already lost four playoff series (including once with Boston)- including blowing a 3-1 lead once (albeit to a young Pistons team w/ Billups, Rip, and a healthy Ben Wallace). What's bothered me to no end this entire season as the Celtics continued to win was the simple fact: would it even matter who the coach was? At this point, I think it's safe to say it does matter. In high school, you could possibly get by on all talent, but not in professional basketball.

Currently, for those not aware, the Celtics-Hawks series, is now TIED AT 2 games a piece. Even if the Celtics do somehow end up winning in 6, I still feel like that this shows, at least one some level, that coach Doc Rivers' ineptitude could eventually cause the Celtics to have an earlier exit than anticipated.

Kelly Dwyer, a former Sports Illustrated contributor, documents Doc Rivers' latest faux pas - leaving the older, slower Ray Allen on Joe Johnson, as Joe Johnson proceeds to score 20 points in the 4th quarter. As Dwyer alludes to, Coach Phil Jackson (and probably most other championship coaches) would never let the situation continue - especially when there were other defensive options on the Celtics roster... and even on the floor for the Celtics (Pierce? Posey?)

I also must say that I think it is entirely possible that Kevin Garnett may actually be the coach of the Celtics. By coach, I mean "motivator." If Garnett yells at someone to do something, or to learn how to help out on defense, the player probably will do it, or face the Wrath of Garnett. However, even if Garnett is somehow influencing the Celtics' play like a coach... Garnett can't possibly help out with the rotation, the time each player is on the floor, and even having someone else guard Joe Johnson. So, even if the Celtics can survive the 1st round, their exit before the NBA Finals is still an eventuality in my mind, not a possibility. And you know what? Despite the fact that I've always rooted for KG since his days in Minnesota, Boston's eventual early exit is something I am rooting for, as it will restore my faith in the theory that NBA Coaching does indeed have an effect on the outcome, especially when a complete moron is at the helm.

On a related note, I also would like to address the Cleveland Cavaliers' coach, Mike Brown. I have complained a lot about Mike Brown over the years, for the main reason that he has no offensive system. While this is dumb in my mind, Mike Brown does coach defense and coaches it well. I realize the Celtics did well defensively during the season, but I can't honestly say that the success at either end of the floor has anything to do with Doc Rivers.

NBA Preview 2007 - Rise of the 1980s

It’s almost Halloween, which means only one thing – it’s time for the NBA season to almost begin! This year, drawing on inspiration from Mighty Mike’s NFL preview that compared NFL teams to cartoon characters, I’m comparing NBA teams to ‘80s movies! So pull your socks up high and enjoy!

Eastern Conference
Atlantic – Suddenly looks a lot better on paper
4-Toronto =Coming to America- With so many international players and players who played overseas, their names and faces are still relatively unknown, despite last year’s division title (but 1st round exit.) Their GM Colangelo, former GM of the Suns, did some additional dealing over the summer, in the additions of SF/SG Jason Kapono to knock down 3s, and Carlos Delfino (Argentinian), a SG from the Pistons for added depth. They did lose Mo-Pete (Morris Peterson), but I don’t think that’s a big loss at all. They still have a sweet 8-man rotation, assuming Garbajosa/Bosh can play center against some teams
PF-Garbajosa, SF-Bargnani / J. Kapono, C-Bosh ?, SG-Parker / Delfino, PG-TJ Ford / J. Calderon

5-Boston = Freejack – For those who don’t know, Freejack is an action movie that came out in 1992. I realize that this movie is not from the ‘80s, but rules were made to be broken. The movie had an amazing cast – Emilio Estevez, Rene Russo, Anthony Hopkins, AND Mick Jagger in a major role. This movie truly represents the 2007-2008 Boston Celtics. It’s like they added Kevin Garnett (Anthony Hopkins) still in his prime and Ray Allen (Emilio Estevez), while dumping out the rest of the roster except for Paul Pierce (Rene Russo) and PG Rajon Rondo. They also picked up an older James Posey to play defense, but I still am not sold on this team, just like the movie Freejack. Pierce and Ray Allen and Rondo aren’t known for their defensive play, which is not going to help KG. I think the playoffs are within reach, but anything beyond that is really a gift. It’s really just like the movie Freejack – which is captivating for almost the entire movie, until the last 10 minutes when you experience perhaps the worst ending in the history of motion pictures. The downfall in that movie was clearly the director, and similarly, coach Doc Rivers will be the one to ruin this Celtics season. As part of a public service, it’s imperative that everyone know that in Doc Rivers’ 3 playoff appearances with the Orlando Magic, he never was able to deliver a playoff series win (they lost to 2-seeded Milwaukee in 2001 who had Cassell, R. Allen, & G. Robinson, the 4/5 seeded-Hornets in 2002 who had Baron Davis, and then Doc Rivers blew a 3-1 lead against the 1st-seeded Pistons in 2003.)

New York – Spaceballs - The Knicks are still an enigma in my mind. I know all the New Yorkers are stoked about the addition of Zach Randolph to add to the Eddy Curry line. The same problems from last year (coaching, guard-play) still remain though. Why are they the Spaceballs? Because the ownership is surrounded by a## holes! ( I’m really only thinking of GM Isiah Thomas, President Isiah Thomas, Coach Isiah Thomas, and Errand Boy Isiah Thomas).

New Jersey – Cocoon – If anyone needed to find a youth pool, it’s these guys. If Vince Carter can’t step it up in a contract year, what’s going to happen this year w/o the contract to play for? A big decline! This is not a young team, and the Atlantic is much more competitive, so I don’t see the Nets in the playoffs this year. On as positive note, they lost Mikki Moore to Sacramento, but they do get Krstic back from injury and drafted a big-guy (Sean Williams) from Boston College.

Philly – TRON- This team is full of surprises, kind of like the movie TRON. They finally got rid of Allen Iverson last year, and here’s the shocking statistic: with Allen Iverson, the Sixers were: 5-18 without? 30-29! Andre Iguodala is a sensational player and Andre Miller seemed to actually fit in really well as a distributor for this team. But, it doesn’t really add up, and I’m not sure how good or bad they really are, kind of like that TRON movie, which was really revolutionary. Maybe all you need is an Andre Miller and an Iguodala? I’m just not sold on it yet.

Central – Most competitive division in the East
1-Detroit – Red Dawn – I think it's only fitting that team from Michigan be bestowed with the nickname, "Wolverines!" Just like the movie Red Dawn, I don’t think the season will end with a happy ending. But, just like the Wolverines from Red Dawn, the Pistons will be one tough opponent in the playoffs!

2-Chicago – Clue – There really are a ton of characters and options for the Bulls this year. They are clearly the deepest team in the league, but having such a deep team is not proving to be a good situation, because no one has any idea who’s supposed to take over at the end of each game. Luol Deng w/ the rope? Ben Gordon w/ the pistol? Nocioni with the lead pipe?

6-Cleveland – Teen Wolf – Obviously, most people believe the LeBron is Cleveland’s version of Teen Wolf and that the rest of our players only stand around and watch him. The truth is, the Cavs are better than that, it’s just that Cavs have a coach who refuses to install an offensive system. I wish I was joking. It’s very hard to predict the Cavs w/o knowing if they have an offensive system this year. ESPN’s partner blog, True Hoop, believes that even if the Cavs’ coach has an offensive system, it may only be written on a post-it note in crayon and the entire system may only include the words “stand there.”

8-Milwaukee – Major League – If the Bucks make the playoffs, I wouldn’t be that shocked, now that everyone is healthy. Everyone seems to be forgetting how dangerous this team was when everyone was healthy two years ago. They could celebrate like they do at the end of Major League, and then get destroyed in the 1st round of the playoffs.

Indiana – Big – Remember the movie Big w/ Tom Hanks? It’s a fun movie with almost a one-star cast practically. Similarly, all the Pacers are working with is Jermaine O’Neal. One of the main forgotten lessons from Big is that we discover what the ceiling is on Tom Hanks’ ability with women as he plays a 13-year old in a 30-year old body. We learn that when he is with his older girlfriend (the one who he works with), she takes her shirt off and Tom Hanks either craps himself or maybe, just maybe, touched a breast for the first time. The Pacers have a similar ceiling, in that maybe, just maybe they could get to 35 wins and finish 10th in the conference.

Southeast – Softest division in the league?
3-Washington – Naked Gun – Gilbert Arenas is a one-man comedy show… and wrecking crew for the opponents. If the Wizards’ big 3 (Arenas, Jamison, Caron Butler) stay healthy, isn’t this team then just as good as the Celtics big 3? A player to watch may be rookie Nick Young on the Wizards, from USC. Of course, the problem with the Wizards is that they don’t play defense. They did have the best record in the East last season at the All-star break, before all the injuries occurred though. With Arenas and Jamison in contract years… this could be a really good year for the Wiz.

7-Miami – Die Hard 3: With a Vengeance – Clearly, like the Die Hard series, this franchise has seen better days. They do have Wade and an old Shaq, so come playoff time, they could be dangerous. Wade is going to also miss the 1st month, so a high-seeding probably won’t happen. There ain’t much else going on this team, as some are aging (J. Williams) and others just left (Kapono, Posey) without being replaced. The new edition of Ricky Davis may help them to avoid a completely awful start, but this team has seen better days.

Orlando – Gremlins – Rule # 1 – "never ever feed it after midnight." It’s kind of like Rule #1 when going into your first season as an NBA GM – "never ever tie up all of your assets in one player unless he really is a bona fide superstar and has proven that he can lead a team." Enter Rashard Lewis… he may be an attractive asset right now, but there’s no doubt that Orlando’s GM (Otis Thorpe) will be wincing at the sight of his future Gremlin… Lewis is making $15.6 million this year, and in his 6th year, he will be making almost $24 million, when he’s at the fantastic age of 34!

Atlanta – Summer School – With so many young players, I really thought there was no better reference than this cult-classic! I only hope Coach Mike Woodson (I had to look that up- no idea who he is) loses track of one of his players for the season, and then you could use this quote:
Teacher: Hey, I remember you. Where have you been?
Jerome Watkins: Bathroom.
Teacher: For the last six weeks?
Jerome Watkins: My zipper got stuck.

Charlotte – Short Circuit – “Number 5 is alive!” Boy is he ever on the Bobcats! #5 on Charlotte, Walter Hermann, had a whopping 18 ppg and shot 50% from 3-point land (39 of 78) over the last 17 games of last season. There actually may be some hope for the Bobcats.
They also did get Jason Richardson in a trade! The bad news: Michael Jordan’s second stint as a GM has already started with some bad luck, as both Morrison “the moustache” and Sean May are already out for the season. Not a good start, when they really needed all of their college all-stars to chip in to make any kind of semblance of a playoff run.

Western Conference
Northwest – It could have been rise of Oden
4-Utah- My Blue Heaven – My Blue Heaven, starring Rick Moranis and Steve Martin, came out in 1990, but again, I have no problem breaking the rules. It was a really underappreciated, funny movie. Kind of like the Utah Jazz starring Deron Williams, Carlos Boozer, and Mehmet Okur. No “My Blue Heaven” reference is complete without this quote…
[Pickup line at grocery store]
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: You know, it's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen food section.
Random girl: Why is that?
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: Because you could MELT… all this STUFF.

6-Denver- Lethal Weapon – Teaming up Carmelo Anthony and Allen Iverson together is like teaming up Mel Gibson and Danny Glover. You’ll probably draw a lot of audiences, but ultimately, you’re not winning any awards.

Portland- The Goonies – this is a great young team, that has a lot of potential. Obviously, Oden won’t be playing this season. But just like the Goonies, I expect them to eventually go on many successful adventures, where they get to find treasure, pizza, an abused mentally retarded adult, and who knows what else.

Seattle- The Karate Kid – Seattle basically dumped out last year’s big two (R. Lewis, R. Allen) and are starting fresh with youngsters Kevin Durant and Jeff Green. It’s like training the Karate Kid. I’m sure Durant will take some lumps at first, but eventually he will learn to be patient and he will be brave enough to go to a Halloween party without going as a shower head and shower curtain. Granted, I’ve started to think that going to a Halloween party as a shower head was maybe a smart idea, because then you get to dance with Elisabeth Shue.

Minnesota – Hudson Hawk – To the ultimate ‘80s bust… we have the 2007-2008 Minnesota Timberwolves! It’s hard to expect much from these guys. It’s unclear still what Gerald Green and Al Jefferson can do. They also did get Corey Brewer. By my estimation, they have a lot of SG/SF (Green, Brewer, A. Walker, M. Jaric, E. Griffin, R. McCants) and I really can’t understand why they have so many. In the future book: Chronicles of McHale: How I tried to get Fired for 12 years, we’ll discover the 2007 chapter, where McHale traded Ricky Davis for A. Walker and a couple of spare parts. McHale somehow didn’t realize that not only is Walker old and on the decline, he showed up to Miami’s training camp at a whopping 262 pounds! Ah… GM Kevin McHale, who makes Homer Simpson look like Tom Landry.

Southwest – Division of Doom! They could all make the Playoffs!
1-Dallas- Back to the Future – the only way to stop Dirk from fading away is to go back to the playoffs and win the whole damn thing!

2-San Antonio- Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom – they are a great team… but the Spurs only win the championship in the odd years. So, I think they best identify with the worst of the Indiana Jones movies.

5-Houston- Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure – Still can’t tell who’s Bill and who’s Ted from Yao and T-Mac… it’s a tough decision. Anyways, they made a huge coup in the off-season and landed Luis Scola from Europe (via trade w/ the Spurs). Plus, they have options at PG this year (Aaron Brooks, M. James, R. Alston) . Plus, they got rid of Jeff Van Gundy, and got Rick Adelman, who’s a great playoff coach! The problem is they still are in the Western Conference.

8-Memphis- Revenge of the Nerds – Yes, the Grizzlies will prove everyone wrong, as my 2007 Offseason Champion goes on a crazy insane playoff run behind new pickups Darko, Navarro, Conley, a healthy Gasol, and a highly touted new coaching edition who tutored under the Phoenix head coach! No longer will people make fun of the Lambda Lamda Lambdas !

NO Hornets- Breakfast Club - Chris Paul, Stojakovic, David West, and Tyson Chandler were my surprise playoff team last year but I think all of them got injured last season. They did get Julian Wright in the draft, who is supposed to blossom eventually. Ultimately, this division is stacked, and I can’t put them AND Memphis in, as much as I want to. One more year of detention for these guys before they bust through??? I know the players on this team will go on to do great things, just like the cast from Breakfast Club. I'm just scared Chris Paul is going to sing that theme song to me from Breakfast Club, "Don't you... forget about me" as the Hornets make the playoffs.

Pacific – Could be a very competitive division, if it weren’t for Don Nelson
3-Phoenix- Top Gun – high-flying, high-speeds… but will it turn into a trophy for Steve Nash???

7-Lakers- Adventures in Babysitting – that’s what it amounts to when it comes to Kobe… he’s tough to keep happy. The Lakers picked up a couple of rookies which should be enough to get them a 1st round exit.

Golden State – Risky Business – The Warriors were last season’s playoff Cinderella for the ages… but I don’t think it’s a good long-term plan to run recklessly up-and-down the court. You just can’t do that for 82 games. Granted, Coach Don Nelson may just do what they did last year, which was pour it on the last 20 games when everyone was healthy. The difference though? No Jason Richardson. But they do have Italian sharp-shooter Marco Belinelli. Maybe Coach Don Nelson is right - as said in the movie Ricky Business to Tom Cruise’s character,
“Joel, you wanna know something? Every now and then say, 'What the f$#$.' 'What the f$#$' gives you freedom. Freedom brings opportunity. Opportunity makes your future.”

Sacramento- Parenthood – Ron Artest! Ron Artest! He’s in a contract year! It may be a hands-off parenting year. Still, you gotta love this chant from the beginning of the movie Parenthood…
“When you're sliding into first, And your pants begin to burst, That's diarrhea, diarrhea
When you're sliding into two, And your pants are filled with goo, That's diarrhea, diarrhea
When you're sliding into third, And you feel a greasy turd, That's diarrhea, diarrhea
When you're sliding into home, And your pants are filled with foam, That's diarrhea, diarrhea”
Clippers- Weekend at Bernie’s 2 – This is going to be one crappy season without Elton Brand, Shaun Livingston, and I’m sure Sam Cassell is due to get injured any day now. I just keep imagining the Clippers dragging Elton Brand’s body onto the court and using a bunch of pulleys and ropes to move his limbs as they pretend that he’s 100%.

Playoffs
1st round
1-Detroit over 8-Milwaukee - no doubt...

5-Boston over 4-Toronto - I'll give the Celtics one playoff series I guess

3-Washington over 6-Cleveland - Finally, the Wizards break the Cavs in their 3rd straight postseason meeting... mainly because Arenas is in a contract year and the Cavs still won't have an offensive system.

2-Chicago over 7-Miami- I don't think the Heat have the horses. The weird thing is, their 2 biggest off-season additions were two Cavaliers from the 17-win team! (Ricky Davis and Smush Parker).

1 –Dallas over 8-Memphis- no doubt

5-Houston over 4-Utah- finally! T-Mac wins a playoff series.

3-Phoenix over 6-Denver- This should be a fun, high-scoring series.

2-San Antonio over 7-Lakers- The Lakers aren't so hot

2nd round
1-Detroit over 5-Boston – Billups will be abusing R. Rondo.
2-Chicago over 3-Washington - I think this will be a very entertaining matchup.
1-Dallas over 5-Houston - Mavs can't be stopped this time.
3-Phoenix over 2-San Antonio - The Suns will get their revenge for last year's demise.

Conf. Finals
1-Detroit over 2-Chicago – Can't go w/ the Bulls, I'm thinking the Pistons make one last run.
1-Dallas over 3-Phoenix– Dallas will ascend back to the Finals...

NBA Finals
1-Dallas over 1-Detroit - and Dallas won't screw around this time when they're up 2-0!

All-Gutsy Team
PF- D. Nowitzki, Dallas
SF- LeBron, Cleveland
C- Yao, Houston
SG- Kobe Bryant, Lakers
PG- C. Billups, Pistons