Eastern Conference
Atlantic – Suddenly looks a lot better on paper
4-Toronto =Coming to America- With so many international players and players who played overseas, their names and faces are still relatively unknown, despite last year’s division title (but 1st round exit.) Their GM Colangelo, former GM of the Suns, did some additional dealing over the summer, in the additions of SF/SG Jason Kapono to knock down 3s, and Carlos Delfino (Argentinian), a SG from the Pistons for added depth. They did lose Mo-Pete (Morris Peterson), but I don’t think that’s a big loss at all. They still have a sweet 8-man rotation, assuming Garbajosa/Bosh can play center against some teams
PF-Garbajosa, SF-Bargnani / J. Kapono, C-Bosh ?, SG-Parker / Delfino, PG-TJ Ford / J. Calderon
5-Boston = Freejack – For those who don’t know, Freejack is an action movie that came out in 1992. I realize that this movie is not from the ‘80s, but rules were made to be broken. The movie had an amazing cast – Emilio Estevez, Rene Russo, Anthony Hopkins, AND Mick Jagger in a major role. This movie truly represents the 2007-2008 Boston Celtics. It’s like they added Kevin Garnett (Anthony Hopkins) still in his prime and Ray Allen (Emilio Estevez), while dumping out the rest of the roster except for Paul Pierce (Rene Russo) and PG Rajon Rondo. They also picked up an older James Posey to play defense, but I still am not sold on this team, just like the movie Freejack. Pierce and Ray Allen and Rondo aren’t known for their defensive play, which is not going to help KG. I think the playoffs are within reach, but anything beyond that is really a gift. It’s really just like the movie Freejack – which is captivating for almost the entire movie, until the last 10 minutes when you experience perhaps the worst ending in the history of motion pictures. The downfall in that movie was clearly the director, and similarly, coach Doc Rivers will be the one to ruin this Celtics season. As part of a public service, it’s imperative that everyone know that in Doc Rivers’ 3 playoff appearances with the Orlando Magic, he never was able to deliver a playoff series win (they lost to 2-seeded Milwaukee in 2001 who had Cassell, R. Allen, & G. Robinson, the 4/5 seeded-Hornets in 2002 who had Baron Davis, and then Doc Rivers blew a 3-1 lead against the 1st-seeded Pistons in 2003.)New York – Spaceballs - The Knicks are still an enigma in my mind. I know all the New Yorkers are stoked about the addition of Zach Randolph to add to the Eddy Curry line. The same problems from last year (coaching, guard-play) still remain though. Why are they the Spaceballs? Because the ownership is surrounded by a## holes! ( I’m really only thinking of GM Isiah Thomas, President Isiah Thomas, Coach Isiah Thomas, and Errand Boy Isiah Thomas).
New Jersey – Cocoon – If anyone needed to find a youth pool, it’s these guys. If Vince Carter can’t step it up in a contract year, what’s going to happen this year w/o the contract to play for? A big decline! This is not a young team, and the Atlantic is much more competitive, so I don’t see the Nets in the playoffs this year. On as positive note, they lost Mikki Moore to Sacramento, but they do get Krstic back from injury and drafted a big-guy (Sean Williams) from Boston College.
Philly – TRON- This team is full of surprises, kind of like the movie TRON. They finally got rid of Allen Iverson last year, and here’s the shocking statistic: with Allen Iverson, the Sixers were: 5-18 without? 30-29! Andre Iguodala is a sensational player and Andre Miller seemed to actually fit in really well as a distributor for this team. But, it doesn’t really add up, and I’m not sure how good or bad they really are, kind of like that TRON movie, which was really revolutionary. Maybe all you need is an Andre Miller and an Iguodala? I’m just not sold on it yet.
Central – Most competitive division in the East
1-Detroit – Red Dawn – I think it's only fitting that team from Michigan be bestowed with the nickname, "Wolverines!" Just like the movie Red Dawn, I don’t think the season will end with a happy ending. But, just like the Wolverines from Red Dawn, the Pistons will be one tough opponent in the playoffs!
Central – Most competitive division in the East
1-Detroit – Red Dawn – I think it's only fitting that team from Michigan be bestowed with the nickname, "Wolverines!" Just like the movie Red Dawn, I don’t think the season will end with a happy ending. But, just like the Wolverines from Red Dawn, the Pistons will be one tough opponent in the playoffs!
2-Chicago – Clue – There really are a ton of characters and options for the Bulls this year. They are clearly the deepest team in the league, but having such a deep team is not proving to be a good situation, because no one has any idea who’s supposed to take over at the end of each game. Luol Deng w/ the rope? Ben Gordon w/ the pistol? Nocioni with the lead pipe?
6-Cleveland – Teen Wolf – Obviously, most people believe th
e LeBron is Cleveland’s version of Teen Wolf and that the rest of our players only stand around and watch him. The truth is, the Cavs are better than that, it’s just that Cavs have a coach who refuses to install an offensive system. I wish I was joking. It’s very hard to predict the Cavs w/o knowing if they have an offensive system this year. ESPN’s partner blog, True Hoop, believes that even if the Cavs’ coach has an offensive system, it may only be written on a post-it note in crayon and the entire system may only include the words “stand there.”
6-Cleveland – Teen Wolf – Obviously, most people believe th
e LeBron is Cleveland’s version of Teen Wolf and that the rest of our players only stand around and watch him. The truth is, the Cavs are better than that, it’s just that Cavs have a coach who refuses to install an offensive system. I wish I was joking. It’s very hard to predict the Cavs w/o knowing if they have an offensive system this year. ESPN’s partner blog, True Hoop, believes that even if the Cavs’ coach has an offensive system, it may only be written on a post-it note in crayon and the entire system may only include the words “stand there.” 8-Milwaukee – Major League – If the Bucks make the playoffs, I wouldn’t be that shocked, now that everyone is healthy. Everyone seems to be forgetting how dangerous this team was when everyone was healthy two years ago. They could celebrate like they do at the end of Major League, and then get destroyed in the 1st round of the playoffs.
Indiana – Big – Remember the movie Big w/ Tom Hanks? It’s a fun movie with almost a one-star cast practically. Similarly, all the Pacers are working with is Jermaine O’Neal. One of the main forgotten lessons from Big is that we discover what the ceiling is on Tom Hanks’ ability with women as he plays a 13-year old in a 30-year old body. We learn that when he is with his older girlfriend (the one who he works with), she takes her shirt off and Tom Hanks either craps himself or maybe, just maybe, touched a breast for the first time. The Pacers have a similar ceiling, in that maybe, just maybe they could get to 35 wins and finish 10th in the conference.
Southeast – Softest division in the league?
3-Washington – Naked Gun – Gilbert Arenas is a one-man comedy show… and wrecking crew for the opponents. If the Wizards’ big 3 (Arenas, Jamison, Caron Butler) stay healthy, isn’t this team then just as good as the Celtics big 3? A player to watch may be rookie Nick Young on the Wizards, from USC. Of course, the problem with the Wizards is that they don’t play defense. They did have the best record in the East last season at the All-star break, before all the injuries occurred though. With Arenas and Jamison in contract years… this could be a really good year for the Wiz.
Southeast – Softest division in the league?
3-Washington – Naked Gun – Gilbert Arenas is a one-man comedy show… and wrecking crew for the opponents. If the Wizards’ big 3 (Arenas, Jamison, Caron Butler) stay healthy, isn’t this team then just as good as the Celtics big 3? A player to watch may be rookie Nick Young on the Wizards, from USC. Of course, the problem with the Wizards is that they don’t play defense. They did have the best record in the East last season at the All-star break, before all the injuries occurred though. With Arenas and Jamison in contract years… this could be a really good year for the Wiz.
7-Miami – Die Hard 3: With a Vengeance – Clearly, like the Die Hard series, this franchise has seen better days. They do have Wade and an old Shaq, so come playoff time, they could be dangerous. Wade is going to also miss the 1st month, so a high-seeding probably won’t happen. There ain’t much else going on this team, as some are aging (J. Williams) and others just left (Kapono, Posey) without being replaced. The new edition of Ricky Davis may help them to avoid a completely awful start, but this team has seen better days.
Orlando – Gremlins – Rule # 1 – "never ever feed it after midnight." It’s kind of like Rule #1 when going into your first season as an NBA GM – "never ever tie up all of your assets in one player unless he really is a bona fide superstar and has proven that he can lead a team." Enter Rashard Lewis… he may be an attractive asset right now, but there’s no doubt that Orlando’s GM (Otis Thorpe) will be wincing at the sight of his future Gremlin… Lewis is making $15.6 million this year, and in his 6th year, he will be making almost $24 million, when he’s at the fantastic age of 34! Atlanta – Summer School – With so many young players, I really thought there was no better reference than this cult-classic! I only hope Coach Mike Woodson (I had to look that up- no idea who he is) loses track of one of his players for the season, and then you could use this quote:
Teacher: Hey, I remember you. Where have you been?
Jerome Watkins: Bathroom.
Teacher: For the last six weeks?
Jerome Watkins: My zipper got stuck.
Teacher: Hey, I remember you. Where have you been?
Jerome Watkins: Bathroom.
Teacher: For the last six weeks?
Jerome Watkins: My zipper got stuck.
Charlotte – Short Circuit – “Number 5 is alive!” Boy is he ever on the Bobcats! #5 on Charlotte, Walter Hermann, had a whopping 18 ppg and shot 50% from 3-point land (39 of 78) over the last 17 games of last season. There actually may be some hope for the Bobcats.
They also did get Jason Richardson in a trade! The bad news: Michael Jordan’s second stint as a GM has already started with some bad luck, as both Morrison “the moustache” and Sean May are already out for the season. Not a good start, when they really needed all of their college all-stars to chip in to make any kind of semblance of a playoff run.
Western Conference
Northwest – It could have been rise of Oden
4-Utah- My Blue Heaven – My Blue Heaven, starring Rick Moranis and Steve Martin, came out in 1990, but again, I have no problem breaking the rules. It was a really underappreciated, funny movie. Kind of like the Utah Jazz starring Deron Williams, Carlos Boozer, and Mehmet Okur. No “My Blue Heaven” reference is complete without this quote…
[Pickup line at grocery store]
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: You know, it's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen food section.
Random girl: Why is that?
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: Because you could MELT… all this STUFF.
They also did get Jason Richardson in a trade! The bad news: Michael Jordan’s second stint as a GM has already started with some bad luck, as both Morrison “the moustache” and Sean May are already out for the season. Not a good start, when they really needed all of their college all-stars to chip in to make any kind of semblance of a playoff run.
Western Conference
Northwest – It could have been rise of Oden
4-Utah- My Blue Heaven – My Blue Heaven, starring Rick Moranis and Steve Martin, came out in 1990, but again, I have no problem breaking the rules. It was a really underappreciated, funny movie. Kind of like the Utah Jazz starring Deron Williams, Carlos Boozer, and Mehmet Okur. No “My Blue Heaven” reference is complete without this quote…
[Pickup line at grocery store]
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: You know, it's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen food section.
Random girl: Why is that?
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: Because you could MELT… all this STUFF.
6-Denver- Lethal Weapon – Teaming up Carmelo Anthony and Allen Iverson together is like teaming up Mel Gibson and Danny Glover. You’ll probably draw a lot of audiences, but ultimately, you’re not winning any awards.
Portland- The Goonies – this is a great young team, that has a lot of potential. Obviously, Oden won’t be playing this season. But just like the Goonies, I expect them to eventually go on many successful adventures, where they get to find treasure, pizza, an abused mentally retarded adult, and who knows what else.
Seattle- The Karate Kid – Seattle basically dumped out last year’s big two (R. Lewis, R. 
Allen) and are starting fresh with youngsters Kevin Durant and Jeff Green. It’s like training the Karate Kid. I’m sure Durant will take some lumps at first, but eventually he will learn to be patient and he will be brave enough to go to a Halloween party without going as a shower head and shower curtain. Granted, I’ve started to think that going to a Halloween party as a shower head was maybe a smart idea, because then you get to dance with Elisabeth Shue.
Allen) and are starting fresh with youngsters Kevin Durant and Jeff Green. It’s like training the Karate Kid. I’m sure Durant will take some lumps at first, but eventually he will learn to be patient and he will be brave enough to go to a Halloween party without going as a shower head and shower curtain. Granted, I’ve started to think that going to a Halloween party as a shower head was maybe a smart idea, because then you get to dance with Elisabeth Shue.Minnesota – Hudson Hawk – To the ultimate ‘80s bust… we have the 2007-2008 Minnesota Timberwolves! It’s hard to expect much from these guys. It’s unclear still what Gerald Green and Al Jefferson can do. They also did get Corey Brewer. By my estimation, they have a lot of SG/SF (Green, Brewer, A. Walker, M. Jaric, E. Griffin, R. McCants) and I really can’t understand why they have so many. In the future book: Chronicles of McHale: How I tried to get Fired for 12 years, we’ll discover the 2007 chapter, where McHale traded Ricky Davis for A. Walker and a couple of spare parts. McHale somehow didn’t realize that not only is Walker old and on the decline, he showed up to Miami’s training camp at a whopping 262 pounds! Ah… GM Kevin McHale, who makes Homer Simpson look like Tom Landry.
Southwest – Division of Doom! They could all make the Playoffs!
1-Dallas- Back to the Future – the only way to stop Dirk from fading away is to go back to the playoffs and win the whole damn thing!
Southwest – Division of Doom! They could all make the Playoffs!
1-Dallas- Back to the Future – the only way to stop Dirk from fading away is to go back to the playoffs and win the whole damn thing!
2-San Antonio- Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom – they are a great team… but the Spurs only win the championship in the odd years. So, I think they best identify with the worst of the Indiana Jones movies.
5-Houston- Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure – Still can’t tell who’s Bill and who’s Ted from Yao and T-Mac… it’s a tough decision. Anyways, they made a huge coup in the off-season and landed Luis Scola from Europe (via trade w/ the Spurs). Plus, they have options at PG this year (Aaron Brooks, M. James, R. Alston) . Plus, they got rid of Jeff Van Gundy, and got Rick Adelman, who’s a great playoff coach! The problem is they still are in the Western Conference.
8-Memphis- Revenge of the Nerds – Yes, the Grizzlies will prove everyone wrong, as my 2007 Offseason Champion goes on a crazy insane playoff run behind new pickups Darko, Navarro, Conley, a healthy Gasol, and a highly touted new coaching edition who tutored under the Phoenix head coach! No longer will people make fun of the Lambda Lamda Lambdas !NO Hornets- Breakfast Club - Chris Paul, Stojakovic, David West, and Tyson Chandler were my surprise playoff team last year but I think all of them got injured last season. They did get Julian Wright in the draft, who is supposed to blossom eventually. Ultimately, this division is stacked, and I can’t put them AND Memphis in, as much as I want to. One more year of detention for these guys before they bust through??? I know the players on this team will go on to do great things, just like the cast from Breakfast Club. I'm just scared Chris Paul is going to sing that theme song to me from Breakfast Club, "Don't you... forget about me" as the Hornets make the playoffs.
Pacific – Could be a very competitive division, if it weren’t for Don Nelson
3-Phoenix- Top Gun – high-flying, high-speeds… but will it turn into a trophy for Steve Nash???
7-Lakers- Adventures in Babysitting – that’s what it amounts to when it comes to Kobe… he’s tough to keep happy. The Lakers picked up a couple of rookies which should be enough to get them a 1st round exit.
Golden State – Risky Business – The Warriors were last season’s playoff Cinderella for the ages… but I don’t think it’s a good long-term plan to run recklessly up-and-down the court. You just can’t do that for 82 games. Granted, Coach Don Nelson may just do what they did last year, which was pour it on the last 20 games when everyone was healthy. The difference though? No Jason Richardson. But they do have Italian sharp-shooter Marco Belinelli. Maybe Coach Don Nelson is right - as said in the movie Ricky Business to Tom Cruise’s character,
“Joel, you wanna know something? Every now and then say, 'What the f$#$.' 'What the f$#$' gives you freedom. Freedom brings opportunity. Opportunity makes your future.”
“Joel, you wanna know something? Every now and then say, 'What the f$#$.' 'What the f$#$' gives you freedom. Freedom brings opportunity. Opportunity makes your future.”
Sacramento- Parenthood – Ron Artest! Ron Artest! He’s in a contract year! It may be a hands-off parenting year. Still, you gotta love this chant from the beginning of the movie Parenthood…
“When you're sliding into first, And your pants begin to burst, That's diarrhea, diarrhea
When you're sliding into two, And your pants are filled with goo, That's diarrhea, diarrhea
When you're sliding into third, And you feel a greasy turd, That's diarrhea, diarrhea
When you're sliding into home, And your pants are filled with foam, That's diarrhea, diarrhea”
Clippers- Weekend at Bernie’s 2 – This is going to be one crappy season without Elton
Brand, Shaun Livingston, and I’m sure Sam Cassell is due to get injured any day now. I just keep imagining the Clippers dragging Elton Brand’s body onto the court and using a bunch of pulleys and ropes to move his limbs as they pretend that he’s 100%.
“When you're sliding into first, And your pants begin to burst, That's diarrhea, diarrhea
When you're sliding into two, And your pants are filled with goo, That's diarrhea, diarrhea
When you're sliding into third, And you feel a greasy turd, That's diarrhea, diarrhea
When you're sliding into home, And your pants are filled with foam, That's diarrhea, diarrhea”
Clippers- Weekend at Bernie’s 2 – This is going to be one crappy season without Elton
Brand, Shaun Livingston, and I’m sure Sam Cassell is due to get injured any day now. I just keep imagining the Clippers dragging Elton Brand’s body onto the court and using a bunch of pulleys and ropes to move his limbs as they pretend that he’s 100%.Playoffs
1st round
1-Detroit over 8-Milwaukee - no doubt...
1st round
1-Detroit over 8-Milwaukee - no doubt...
5-Boston over 4-Toronto - I'll give the Celtics one playoff series I guess
3-Washington over 6-Cleveland - Finally, the Wizards break the Cavs in their 3rd straight postseason meeting... mainly because Arenas is in a contract year and the Cavs still won't have an offensive system.
2-Chicago over 7-Miami- I don't think the Heat have the horses. The weird thing is, their 2 biggest off-season additions were two Cavaliers from the 17-win team! (Ricky Davis and Smush Parker).
1 –Dallas over 8-Memphis- no doubt
1 –Dallas over 8-Memphis- no doubt
5-Houston over 4-Utah- finally! T-Mac wins a playoff series.
3-Phoenix over 6-Denver- This should be a fun, high-scoring series.
2-San Antonio over 7-Lakers- The Lakers aren't so hot
2nd round
1-Detroit over 5-Boston – Billups will be abusing R. Rondo.
2-Chicago over 3-Washington - I think this will be a very entertaining matchup.
1-Dallas over 5-Houston - Mavs can't be stopped this time.
3-Phoenix over 2-San Antonio - The Suns will get their revenge for last year's demise.
Conf. Finals
1-Detroit over 2-Chicago – Can't go w/ the Bulls, I'm thinking the Pistons make one last run.
1-Dallas over 3-Phoenix– Dallas will ascend back to the Finals...
NBA Finals
1-Dallas over 1-Detroit - and Dallas won't screw around this time when they're up 2-0!
All-Gutsy Team
PF- D. Nowitzki, Dallas
SF- LeBron, Cleveland
C- Yao, Houston
SG- Kobe Bryant, Lakers
PG- C. Billups, Pistons
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