You may wonder, its Sunday, why is the 5th street being published tonight? Well the answer is that this author is suffering from p.e.s.d. or as psychologists are begining to call it pre-election stress disorder. I can't take it anymore. As such the 5th street is undergoing a mandatory (and needed) media blackout for the next 24-36 hrs. This piece is going to short, quick and bam then itll be done.
The Flop
1. Well as my co-author correctly surmized: monkey's flinging poo would have a better chance at hitting the correct team then anyone I know. The NFL these days clearly standing for No Fucking Logic. Obviously the Giants after getting beaten like a rented mule by Detroit was going to stomp on Minnesota. Obviously Atlanta which lost by like 50 gagillion (which I believe is 46) last week would suddenly discover an offense and beat Denver. Buffalo which so far this year has amassed negative yardage would crush the rising Cardinals. None of this makes any bit of sense. I think the best thing you can do is grab hold of something and not make any predictions on the NFL. Instead we should try something safer like diffusing a bomb or having a long meaningful relationship with Brittney Spears.
2. The one constancy in the NFL left us this week. The Patroits and their 21 game winning streak got snapped by the Pittsburgh Steelers. Why? Well the obviously culprit is that Corey Dillon was missing. The second is Heinz Field's turf (why do I get the feeling that they just paint the dirt green there). New England also I don't think is team exactly built for the long come back. This team hadn't been behind in a game, since their streak started, by more than 7 points. It showed today when they became a one dimensional catch-up squad.
3. Who is the mid-term MVP? I have to give it to Ben Roethlisberger. Pittsburgh was going nowhere with Maddox (well maybe hanging with the Browns and Bengals in missing playoffs again land). All he does is win. For a rookie quarterback to be so accourate and so calm (even against the vaunted Patroits D) is amazing. The fact that Pittsburgh now controls its own playoff destiny is miraculous.
The Turn
4. I could use this place to say "I told you so" about the Boston Red Sox, but I won't. I don't think it was some genius move. In simple SAT analogy New York's payroll is to Boston's payroll as Boston's payroll is to the rest of the league's. The Red Sox and their supposed curse bought their way to a title. You don't add a Curt Schilling and say it was only team spirit that defeated the ghost of the Bambino. Yes hats off to boy genius Theo Epstein for finding the missing pieces to lead Boston to the promised land but let's be real when your payroll is over 100 million you have that kind of maneuvering space. And if anyone cries about Boston being broken up, remember whoever replaces the current squad - that squad will be filled with all-star players that Boston outbid to get.
5. The River (Random Thoughts)
Packers won on Halloween (superstition is running high) Houston had a big win today over Jacksonville but it may be a pyrrhic victory with the loss of David Carr (and yes I did use an SAT word). I think Steve Spurrior will be back at Florida in no time and I'm sure he'll run up the score against Vanderbilt in attempt to prove that he's a good coach (not that good Steve, I think the NFL proved that one). Miami, FSU and Florida all lost this week for the first time since 1978. I think the big man up top is punishing them for something. I think the NBA's division of death (better known as the Southwest) will be tough. But Dallas might keep its playoff hopes alive with the help of Dampier (aka finally a rebounder) , Marquis Daniels and Jason Terry (Steve Nash's replacement). I think this year's NBA final will be Detroit v. Minnesota (unless Sports Illustrated picks that and then I'll have to come up with something else)
Sunday, October 31, 2004
Saturday, October 30, 2004
THE 1.21 Gigawatt NBA Preview
NBA Preview
As promised, here is a special NBA preview.
Here's how they stack up, the number next to the team represents their playoff seeding. NOTE: The NBA realigned, each division winner gets a top 3 seed automatically. This means that Indiana could easily be a #4 seed.
Eastern Conference - 5 good teams and a brown bag full of cow dung
Atlantic Division- Someone has to win the division apparently.
3 - New Jersey - this division is terrible. No matter who wins this division, they should likely lose in the first round.
5- Philadelphia - their best move was picking up coach O'Brien, who recently guided Boston to the Conference Finals. Their worst move - picking up Kevin Ollie for his THIRD stint with the team. The moustache returns to Philly! I'm sure they were dancing in the streets.
7- New York- they have Stephon Marbury, which is enough to get trampled in the 1st round of the playoffs in the East. They also added Jamal Crawford from the Bulls, Vin Baker from the '90s, and Lil Penny Hardaway still gets paid $15 million dollars to exercise his knees which have been reconstructed 4 times.
8- Toronto- I may be the only person that likes this team. If Vince Carter remains there, they still have Bosh, Jalen Rose, and they picked up a big rookie Araujo from BYU. NOTE: They would only win 15 games all year if they were in the West, but in the East, they can be the 8th seed.
Boston- Did I read that right? Tom Gugliotta is on their roster? Didn't he retire 6 years ago? I don't believe in Danny Ainge's plan at all right now.
Central Division- Detroit, Indiana, and Cleveland. No one said it'd be easy LeBron.
1- Detroit- Defending champs. And they have Darko, their emotional captain.
4- Indiana - They will have the 2nd best record, but will be stuck with the 4th seed. I love Jermaine O'Neal and their first 7 guys
6- Cleveland- That's right, Cleveland's going to the playoffs! Here's the starting lineup- Gooden, LeBron, Z, Luke Jackson, and McInnis. NOTE: I don't care who starts out of Jackson, McInnis, and E.Snow. They also have D.Wagner in a contract year to knock down 3s off the bench. They also brought back the Tractor Traylor for comedic relief
Milwaukee- I think they have M. Redd and TJ Ford. That's all I even care to know.
Chicago- I liked their draft picks. But seriously- how many times are they going to draft a SG in a PG's body? Crawford (traded to the Knicks), J. Williams (hurt on a motorcycle), and now B.Gordon(Uconn). They also have L.Deng(Duke) and Hinrich(Kansas). Yeah NCAA-all-star-team!
Southeast Division- Shaq and the 4 Munchkins.
2-Miami- Yes, Shaq is on Miami, with Wade and Eddie Jones. You know who will be huge for them? Udonis Haslem. 2nd-year PF from Florida. Shaq's PF always does fairly well.
Orlando- They got rid of T-Mac to get Steve Francis. Not a smart move. They did get Jameer Nelson from St. Joe's though.
Washington- This team is a re-creation of Golden State from 3 years ago. Jamison, Arenas, and Larry Hughes. If they would have brought Early Boykins, I would consider the playoffs.
Atlanta- These guys are terrible.
Charlotte- I don't mean the Hornets, I mean the Bobcats. These guys are worse.
Western Conference - 11 or 12 playoff contenders, of which 5 could win the Eastern Conf.
Northwest Divison- Garnett, Nene, and Boozer.
2- Minnesota-I only pray that Cassell & Spreewell last through the season.
4- Denver- What a team! Carmelo, Nene, Boykins, Andre Miller, Camby. You know what, let's add Kenyon Martin just to be safe! Wow! I love it! They only move one step closer to the 2007-2009 NBA Finals Showdowns between Cleveland and Denver.
8-Utah-Yes, they added Boozer and Memo from Detroit. Coach Sloan is their best asset, and he will get them to the playoffs once again.
Portland- I really don't care. Though it has been reported they have Stoudamire AND Van Exel AND New York high school PG project Telfair.
Seattle- These guys are terrible.
Pacific Division- Do you think Kobe ever sings the song "I think I'm alone now" ?
3- Sacramento- The Kings are always a good bet. Yes, they are getting older, but any team w/ Webber, and a regular season Stojakovic should do well.
6-Phoenix- This is my SURPRISE TEAM. They get 7 foot tall Amare for the whole year (he was injured for about 60 games last year). They added Steve Nash, and Richardson from the Clippers, who can flat-out score.
7-Lakers- How you like it now Kobe? All by yourself, struggling to make the playoffs?
Clippers- Rah rah rah... go Elton Brand.
Golden State- They let Brian Cardinal go to Memphis. These guys responded by saying, "Well, we can spend all of our money on our back up center, named... hey Joe, what's that guy's name? We can spend all of our money on Adonal Foyle." As one of the 24 fans of the NBA, I could not recall who Foyle was.
Southwest Division- All 2004 Playoff teams. Someone has to lose.
1- San Antonio- No one stops Tim Duncan.
5- Houston- They finally realized how much Steve Francis was hurtin the team and they went out and got... Tracy McGrady! And they have Yao! And Shaq left for the other conference! I say playoffs.
Memphis- I can't believe it. I think this team is really good, but I just don't see them getting into the playoffs right now. They would be able to make the 2nd round in the Eastern Conf.
Dallas- This is complicated. They lost PG Nash, are replacing him with Jason Terry (from Arizona & Atlanta), Devin Harris (rookie-Wisconsin) , and Marquis Daniels. I like M. Daniels as their PG. They got Dampier (from Golden State) to be their center, and they added Stackhouse for some '90s flair. I don't see them gelling in time for the playoffs. They would make the 2nd round in the Eastern Conf. Easily.
New Orleans HORNETS- These guys got the shaft. From being a top-5 seed in the East, they get thrown in a division full of playoff teams from last year. Sorry, but this is the ultimate proof of how much the East stinks, as these Hornets will get creamed all year.
So here's how the 1st round playoffs shake out:
1 Det over 8-Tor
4-Ind over 5-Phil
6-Clev over 3-NJ
2-Miami over 7-NY
1-SA over 8-Utah
4-Denver over 5-Houston (one word: NENE)
6-Phoe over 3-Sac (SURPRISE TEAM)
2-Minn over 7-Lakers
2nd round:
4-Ind over 1-Det (That's what we call revenge)
2-Miami over 6-Cleveland
1-SA over 4-Denver
2-Minn over 6-Phoe
The rest:
4-Ind over 2-Miami (O'Neal vs. O'Neal).
1-SA over 2-Minn
1-SA over 4-Ind
All-Goldberg Team
PF- Garnett, Minnesota
SF-James, Cleveland
C- Ming, Houston
SG-Stojacovic, Sacramento
PG-Wade, Miami
As promised, here is a special NBA preview.
Here's how they stack up, the number next to the team represents their playoff seeding. NOTE: The NBA realigned, each division winner gets a top 3 seed automatically. This means that Indiana could easily be a #4 seed.
Eastern Conference - 5 good teams and a brown bag full of cow dung
Atlantic Division- Someone has to win the division apparently.
3 - New Jersey - this division is terrible. No matter who wins this division, they should likely lose in the first round.
5- Philadelphia - their best move was picking up coach O'Brien, who recently guided Boston to the Conference Finals. Their worst move - picking up Kevin Ollie for his THIRD stint with the team. The moustache returns to Philly! I'm sure they were dancing in the streets.
7- New York- they have Stephon Marbury, which is enough to get trampled in the 1st round of the playoffs in the East. They also added Jamal Crawford from the Bulls, Vin Baker from the '90s, and Lil Penny Hardaway still gets paid $15 million dollars to exercise his knees which have been reconstructed 4 times.
8- Toronto- I may be the only person that likes this team. If Vince Carter remains there, they still have Bosh, Jalen Rose, and they picked up a big rookie Araujo from BYU. NOTE: They would only win 15 games all year if they were in the West, but in the East, they can be the 8th seed.
Boston- Did I read that right? Tom Gugliotta is on their roster? Didn't he retire 6 years ago? I don't believe in Danny Ainge's plan at all right now.
Central Division- Detroit, Indiana, and Cleveland. No one said it'd be easy LeBron.
1- Detroit- Defending champs. And they have Darko, their emotional captain.
4- Indiana - They will have the 2nd best record, but will be stuck with the 4th seed. I love Jermaine O'Neal and their first 7 guys
6- Cleveland- That's right, Cleveland's going to the playoffs! Here's the starting lineup- Gooden, LeBron, Z, Luke Jackson, and McInnis. NOTE: I don't care who starts out of Jackson, McInnis, and E.Snow. They also have D.Wagner in a contract year to knock down 3s off the bench. They also brought back the Tractor Traylor for comedic relief
Milwaukee- I think they have M. Redd and TJ Ford. That's all I even care to know.
Chicago- I liked their draft picks. But seriously- how many times are they going to draft a SG in a PG's body? Crawford (traded to the Knicks), J. Williams (hurt on a motorcycle), and now B.Gordon(Uconn). They also have L.Deng(Duke) and Hinrich(Kansas). Yeah NCAA-all-star-team!
Southeast Division- Shaq and the 4 Munchkins.
2-Miami- Yes, Shaq is on Miami, with Wade and Eddie Jones. You know who will be huge for them? Udonis Haslem. 2nd-year PF from Florida. Shaq's PF always does fairly well.
Orlando- They got rid of T-Mac to get Steve Francis. Not a smart move. They did get Jameer Nelson from St. Joe's though.
Washington- This team is a re-creation of Golden State from 3 years ago. Jamison, Arenas, and Larry Hughes. If they would have brought Early Boykins, I would consider the playoffs.
Atlanta- These guys are terrible.
Charlotte- I don't mean the Hornets, I mean the Bobcats. These guys are worse.
Western Conference - 11 or 12 playoff contenders, of which 5 could win the Eastern Conf.
Northwest Divison- Garnett, Nene, and Boozer.
2- Minnesota-I only pray that Cassell & Spreewell last through the season.
4- Denver- What a team! Carmelo, Nene, Boykins, Andre Miller, Camby. You know what, let's add Kenyon Martin just to be safe! Wow! I love it! They only move one step closer to the 2007-2009 NBA Finals Showdowns between Cleveland and Denver.
8-Utah-Yes, they added Boozer and Memo from Detroit. Coach Sloan is their best asset, and he will get them to the playoffs once again.
Portland- I really don't care. Though it has been reported they have Stoudamire AND Van Exel AND New York high school PG project Telfair.
Seattle- These guys are terrible.
Pacific Division- Do you think Kobe ever sings the song "I think I'm alone now" ?
3- Sacramento- The Kings are always a good bet. Yes, they are getting older, but any team w/ Webber, and a regular season Stojakovic should do well.
6-Phoenix- This is my SURPRISE TEAM. They get 7 foot tall Amare for the whole year (he was injured for about 60 games last year). They added Steve Nash, and Richardson from the Clippers, who can flat-out score.
7-Lakers- How you like it now Kobe? All by yourself, struggling to make the playoffs?
Clippers- Rah rah rah... go Elton Brand.
Golden State- They let Brian Cardinal go to Memphis. These guys responded by saying, "Well, we can spend all of our money on our back up center, named... hey Joe, what's that guy's name? We can spend all of our money on Adonal Foyle." As one of the 24 fans of the NBA, I could not recall who Foyle was.
Southwest Division- All 2004 Playoff teams. Someone has to lose.
1- San Antonio- No one stops Tim Duncan.
5- Houston- They finally realized how much Steve Francis was hurtin the team and they went out and got... Tracy McGrady! And they have Yao! And Shaq left for the other conference! I say playoffs.
Memphis- I can't believe it. I think this team is really good, but I just don't see them getting into the playoffs right now. They would be able to make the 2nd round in the Eastern Conf.
Dallas- This is complicated. They lost PG Nash, are replacing him with Jason Terry (from Arizona & Atlanta), Devin Harris (rookie-Wisconsin) , and Marquis Daniels. I like M. Daniels as their PG. They got Dampier (from Golden State) to be their center, and they added Stackhouse for some '90s flair. I don't see them gelling in time for the playoffs. They would make the 2nd round in the Eastern Conf. Easily.
New Orleans HORNETS- These guys got the shaft. From being a top-5 seed in the East, they get thrown in a division full of playoff teams from last year. Sorry, but this is the ultimate proof of how much the East stinks, as these Hornets will get creamed all year.
So here's how the 1st round playoffs shake out:
1 Det over 8-Tor
4-Ind over 5-Phil
6-Clev over 3-NJ
2-Miami over 7-NY
1-SA over 8-Utah
4-Denver over 5-Houston (one word: NENE)
6-Phoe over 3-Sac (SURPRISE TEAM)
2-Minn over 7-Lakers
2nd round:
4-Ind over 1-Det (That's what we call revenge)
2-Miami over 6-Cleveland
1-SA over 4-Denver
2-Minn over 6-Phoe
The rest:
4-Ind over 2-Miami (O'Neal vs. O'Neal).
1-SA over 2-Minn
1-SA over 4-Ind
All-Goldberg Team
PF- Garnett, Minnesota
SF-James, Cleveland
C- Ming, Houston
SG-Stojacovic, Sacramento
PG-Wade, Miami
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
Week 8 - Monkeys Flipping Coins
That's right, a monkey flipping a coin could have fared better than my 7-7 week last week. The NFL is a completely unpredictable game, but that's why we watch the games. Let's give some shoutouts to last weeks performers:
Browns- hanging w/ the Eagles. If they would have beaten them, they may have lost out the season due to the hangover from the post-party.
Bengals- I still don't understand why Denver didn't even exert the effort of their pinky fingers. Look at how soft the Bengals secondary is!
Ok, game-time.
Manwich Matchup of the Week-
Indy @ KC-
What a difference a week makes. KC scored 56 points on a top defense (or at least they WERE a top defense) and Indy lost to Jacksonville. This is also a rematch of last year's playoff game, when the Chiefs defense had no idea how to stop the Colts. Plenty of emotion, but I've got to apply the rule that "IF you win by too much, THEN you are doomed in the next couple of weeks." The Chiefs will just get too comfortable, thinking they are back in it. Not yet.
Pick: Indy
Upset of the Week-
Jacksonville @ Houston-
Classic trap game for Jacksonville, perfect scheduling for Houston. Jacksonville just beat the Colts, the kind of victory that is top-billing on ESPN.com. Meanwhile, in the polluted city of Houston, Houston has had the bye week to completely dissect the Jaguars. I think people's heads will spin if Houston can pull this off. We could have an insane 3-way battle in the AFC South!
Pick: Houston
Arizona @ Buffalo-
The only sure thing is that Arizona has a good defense and that they play well at home. Their defense should have a field day on a Buffalo offense that just has no idea how to operate.
Pick: Arizona
Baltimore @ Philly-
Ok, ok, ok. So, Prime-time actually helped the Ravens win a game last week. That was the Bills though, and this is the Eagles. The "Jamal Lewis is missing theory" better pick me up a game this week. In addition, now that the Eagles actually had a close game, they will restart their usual smackdowns on opponents.
Pick: Philly
Cincinnati @ Tennesee-
I only have 1 theory for how the Bengals turned things around last week:
After the Browns thoroughly embarrassed the Bengals and Chad Johnson dropped 18 balls in Week 6, the locker room was just depressed. And then, Rudi Johnson got up, and sang to Chad Johnson, "You Gotta Have Heart... You Gotta have heart...[From "Damn Yankees"]
Then the march to mediocrity continued.
Pick: Cincinnati
Detroit @ Dallas-
The Lions are road warriors. I swear. Also, I sure am glad that Vinny Testaverde has returned to earth. It's probably due to the fact that everyone realized the Cowboys have zero running game.
Pick: Detroit
Green Bay @ Washington-
This may be the most important game on the schedule. If statistics never lie, then get this (as said by Cohen)- If Washington wins, the incumbent (Bush) wins. If Washington loses, the challenger (Kerry) wins. This is historically proven, amazingly.
Ahman Green, please hold on to that ball!
Pick: Kerry
NY Giants @ Minnesota-
This game concerns me, but I'm still going with the Vikings. Do you think the Vikings grow RBs in a petri dish? Whoever starts is a guaranteed fantasy stud.
Pick: Minnesota
Atlanta @ Denver-
Wow. Last week, these 2 division winners were playing losing teams with no heart. And both of these teams failed me by losing. Now, they get to see who can rebound fastest. Unfortunately, the Falcons don't have a passing game to take advantage of the suddenly ineffective Champ Bailey.
Pick: Denver
Carolina @ Seattle-
I seriously couldn't tell you the last time either of these teams met my expectations.
Pick: Seattle
New England @ Pittsburgh-
I met a girl last weekend who showed me a picture on her cell phone of her and Roethlisberger, taken 4 minutes earlier in the same hotel hallway that I was in. Yes, I was just a few minutes away from meeting the Rookie Redhawk Sensation.
Pick: New England
Oakland @ San Diego-
I'm starting to get the feeling that Coach Schottenheimer has abandoned his "conservative" play calling that he used on the '90s Chiefs and he has returned to his '80s Browns playbook. I'm also guessing, he no longer had a copy of it, but was thankful that the 1986 Browns (and their playbook) were available on Madden '05 this year.
Pick: San Diego
San Francisco @ Chicago-
Craig Krenzel finally got some playing time! Let's give him a standing ovation!
Too bad Ken Dorsey isn't playing. We could have had a rematch of the College Championship.
Pick: San Fran
Miami @ NY Jets-
The moustache vs. the gunslinger (Pennington). Gunslinger sounds more dangerous.
Pick: NY Jets
Last Week: 7-7
Season: 65-37
Manwich Matchup: 3-4 (I know, rooting for the Patriots is like rooting for the Yankees)
Upset Special: 4-3 (I told someone that if the Ravens D scored any touchdowns I was in big trouble. I hate you Deion. I hope they promote you to full time CB so Owens can burn you for 4 Touchdowns)
Browns- hanging w/ the Eagles. If they would have beaten them, they may have lost out the season due to the hangover from the post-party.
Bengals- I still don't understand why Denver didn't even exert the effort of their pinky fingers. Look at how soft the Bengals secondary is!
Ok, game-time.
Manwich Matchup of the Week-
Indy @ KC-
What a difference a week makes. KC scored 56 points on a top defense (or at least they WERE a top defense) and Indy lost to Jacksonville. This is also a rematch of last year's playoff game, when the Chiefs defense had no idea how to stop the Colts. Plenty of emotion, but I've got to apply the rule that "IF you win by too much, THEN you are doomed in the next couple of weeks." The Chiefs will just get too comfortable, thinking they are back in it. Not yet.
Pick: Indy
Upset of the Week-
Jacksonville @ Houston-
Classic trap game for Jacksonville, perfect scheduling for Houston. Jacksonville just beat the Colts, the kind of victory that is top-billing on ESPN.com. Meanwhile, in the polluted city of Houston, Houston has had the bye week to completely dissect the Jaguars. I think people's heads will spin if Houston can pull this off. We could have an insane 3-way battle in the AFC South!
Pick: Houston
Arizona @ Buffalo-
The only sure thing is that Arizona has a good defense and that they play well at home. Their defense should have a field day on a Buffalo offense that just has no idea how to operate.
Pick: Arizona
Baltimore @ Philly-
Ok, ok, ok. So, Prime-time actually helped the Ravens win a game last week. That was the Bills though, and this is the Eagles. The "Jamal Lewis is missing theory" better pick me up a game this week. In addition, now that the Eagles actually had a close game, they will restart their usual smackdowns on opponents.
Pick: Philly
Cincinnati @ Tennesee-
I only have 1 theory for how the Bengals turned things around last week:
After the Browns thoroughly embarrassed the Bengals and Chad Johnson dropped 18 balls in Week 6, the locker room was just depressed. And then, Rudi Johnson got up, and sang to Chad Johnson, "You Gotta Have Heart... You Gotta have heart...[From "Damn Yankees"]
Then the march to mediocrity continued.
Pick: Cincinnati
Detroit @ Dallas-
The Lions are road warriors. I swear. Also, I sure am glad that Vinny Testaverde has returned to earth. It's probably due to the fact that everyone realized the Cowboys have zero running game.
Pick: Detroit
Green Bay @ Washington-
This may be the most important game on the schedule. If statistics never lie, then get this (as said by Cohen)- If Washington wins, the incumbent (Bush) wins. If Washington loses, the challenger (Kerry) wins. This is historically proven, amazingly.
Ahman Green, please hold on to that ball!
Pick: Kerry
NY Giants @ Minnesota-
This game concerns me, but I'm still going with the Vikings. Do you think the Vikings grow RBs in a petri dish? Whoever starts is a guaranteed fantasy stud.
Pick: Minnesota
Atlanta @ Denver-
Wow. Last week, these 2 division winners were playing losing teams with no heart. And both of these teams failed me by losing. Now, they get to see who can rebound fastest. Unfortunately, the Falcons don't have a passing game to take advantage of the suddenly ineffective Champ Bailey.
Pick: Denver
Carolina @ Seattle-
I seriously couldn't tell you the last time either of these teams met my expectations.
Pick: Seattle
New England @ Pittsburgh-
I met a girl last weekend who showed me a picture on her cell phone of her and Roethlisberger, taken 4 minutes earlier in the same hotel hallway that I was in. Yes, I was just a few minutes away from meeting the Rookie Redhawk Sensation.
Pick: New England
Oakland @ San Diego-
I'm starting to get the feeling that Coach Schottenheimer has abandoned his "conservative" play calling that he used on the '90s Chiefs and he has returned to his '80s Browns playbook. I'm also guessing, he no longer had a copy of it, but was thankful that the 1986 Browns (and their playbook) were available on Madden '05 this year.
Pick: San Diego
San Francisco @ Chicago-
Craig Krenzel finally got some playing time! Let's give him a standing ovation!
Too bad Ken Dorsey isn't playing. We could have had a rematch of the College Championship.
Pick: San Fran
Miami @ NY Jets-
The moustache vs. the gunslinger (Pennington). Gunslinger sounds more dangerous.
Pick: NY Jets
Last Week: 7-7
Season: 65-37
Manwich Matchup: 3-4 (I know, rooting for the Patriots is like rooting for the Yankees)
Upset Special: 4-3 (I told someone that if the Ravens D scored any touchdowns I was in big trouble. I hate you Deion. I hope they promote you to full time CB so Owens can burn you for 4 Touchdowns)
Monday, October 25, 2004
5th Street: Politics and Prime Time
1. What is the most important football game of the year? The answer is of course next week's game Washington v. Green Bay. The simple fact is that the last Redskins game before the election determines the who will be the next president. Everytime (and I mean every) Washington has won, the incumbent has won. Every time Washington has lost, the challenger has won. The most famous instance was when Harry S. Truman himself returned a punt 67 yards for a touchdown, sealing Washington's victory over Dewey. This year (as in the regular election) the Supreme Court will be affecting the outcome. Antoine "Slingin" Scalia will be running the option play with Clarence Thomas while Green Bay's secondary will get a boost from Ruth "Iron Maiden" Ginsburg.
2. How are the Packers looking? Well they (along with Kansas City) starred this past weekend in Night of the Living Dead. You know the movie where the dead come back to life to terrorize the living. Yep two teams that looked like they were heading to the big Adios whooped up on their opponents. If Kansas City can score 8 rushing touchdowns (as they did against Atlanta) every game theyll be in good shape. If Green Bay can stop Slingin Scalia next week, they might make the playoffs yet.
3. I confess I suffer from philosophy (literally greek for love of wisdom). Over at ESPN they suffer from philodeon (greek for love of Deon Sanders). Deon's back and yes espn showed like 15 clips of him returning his INT for touchdown. Yes I know Deon's ego is so massive it has its own gravity and yes I know Deon (even at his peak) couldn't tackle an 85 year old woman propped up by her walker. But Deon with his touchdown moved into 2nd on the all-time INT for TD list so in honor of that say it with me "PRIME TIME, PRIME TIME"
4. Also in honor of Deon I will type the next segment Deon style (i.e wearing a purple suit and an over-sized fedora) Also I will only speak in 3rd person. What did Michael predict for MLB? Oh yes Boston over St.Louis. Was Michael worried when Boston was down 3-0. Michael was not. Was Michael worried when St.Louis was down 3-2 . Michael was not. That is because Michael is always right. Michael will guarentee Boston's World Series win. And you can print that
The River (Random Facts)
Self-Promotion of the Week: Oh Jacksonville wins another close game. Haven't I been saying this all season? Its about time the national gurus started paying attention to the HMS Leftwich. This QB and team are playoff bound I tell you.
Suprise of the Week: Arizona over Seattle. I was debating if this should be the choke of the week but I'll give Dennis Green the nod.
NBA prediction of the Week: Al Jefferson (Celtics) or Dwight Howard (Magic) will be rookie of the year. Tim Duncan will be the MVP.
Boring Game of the Week: Penn State losing 6-4. This is supposed to be football not tennis.
Deja Vu of the Week: A mobile quarterback marching his team against the Browns in OT to set up the winning field. I think I've seen this movie before. If history is any guide, McNabb, like Elway, will be crushed in his first Super Bowl appearance.
Question of the Week: Would you rather have Sean Salisbury, Joe Theisman or an Oompa Loompa announcing a game? I would prefer an Oompa Loompa because then you'd at least get a song.
2. How are the Packers looking? Well they (along with Kansas City) starred this past weekend in Night of the Living Dead. You know the movie where the dead come back to life to terrorize the living. Yep two teams that looked like they were heading to the big Adios whooped up on their opponents. If Kansas City can score 8 rushing touchdowns (as they did against Atlanta) every game theyll be in good shape. If Green Bay can stop Slingin Scalia next week, they might make the playoffs yet.
3. I confess I suffer from philosophy (literally greek for love of wisdom). Over at ESPN they suffer from philodeon (greek for love of Deon Sanders). Deon's back and yes espn showed like 15 clips of him returning his INT for touchdown. Yes I know Deon's ego is so massive it has its own gravity and yes I know Deon (even at his peak) couldn't tackle an 85 year old woman propped up by her walker. But Deon with his touchdown moved into 2nd on the all-time INT for TD list so in honor of that say it with me "PRIME TIME, PRIME TIME"
4. Also in honor of Deon I will type the next segment Deon style (i.e wearing a purple suit and an over-sized fedora) Also I will only speak in 3rd person. What did Michael predict for MLB? Oh yes Boston over St.Louis. Was Michael worried when Boston was down 3-0. Michael was not. Was Michael worried when St.Louis was down 3-2 . Michael was not. That is because Michael is always right. Michael will guarentee Boston's World Series win. And you can print that
The River (Random Facts)
Self-Promotion of the Week: Oh Jacksonville wins another close game. Haven't I been saying this all season? Its about time the national gurus started paying attention to the HMS Leftwich. This QB and team are playoff bound I tell you.
Suprise of the Week: Arizona over Seattle. I was debating if this should be the choke of the week but I'll give Dennis Green the nod.
NBA prediction of the Week: Al Jefferson (Celtics) or Dwight Howard (Magic) will be rookie of the year. Tim Duncan will be the MVP.
Boring Game of the Week: Penn State losing 6-4. This is supposed to be football not tennis.
Deja Vu of the Week: A mobile quarterback marching his team against the Browns in OT to set up the winning field. I think I've seen this movie before. If history is any guide, McNabb, like Elway, will be crushed in his first Super Bowl appearance.
Question of the Week: Would you rather have Sean Salisbury, Joe Theisman or an Oompa Loompa announcing a game? I would prefer an Oompa Loompa because then you'd at least get a song.
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Week 7 - Blockbuster NFL trades!
Most NFL seasons go by without any trades at the deadline. This season was certainly an exception! 3 trades went down that actually affected fantasy football. The over-the-hill Jerry Rice went to Seattle for a conditional 7th-round pick. That's right, if Rice doesn't play well, then Seattle just gets him for free! I guess the rest of the league has an IQ above 60 and figured out Rice just isn't that good anymore.
The holdout WR McCardell got traded to the Chargers in a blockbuster- multiple pick deal. Good job Chargers on loading up for a stretch playoff run!
Finally, the Browns traded WR Quincy Morgan for Dallas WR Antonio Bryant. This is a classic, "we're disappointed with our guy, so let's swap dance partners and hope things turn out better."
Notice that all the trades were intra-conference, because that's the only way to make sure that your plays don't get used against yourself.
Enough banter, it's game-time.
Manwich Matchup of the Week-
NY Jets @ New England-
2 undefeated teams battling it out certainly qualifies under the "Manwich" category. The sad fact is, the Jets haven't been the most consistent team, barely scraping by against Buffalo and San Francisco. The Jets defense is suspect, and they better pray that playmaker Santana Moss is 100% this week to give them a chance.
NOTE: I really thought the Pats would lose last week, they were even on the cover of SI and it said "19-0." SI Cover Jinx where are you?
Pick: New England
Upset of the Week-
Buffalo @ Baltimore-
I think that the Bills have a good defense, and we all know that the Ravens offense is almost as anemic as a Zwick-led Buckeye offense. And Jamal Lewis isn't playing! I think the Bills could have what you call a "winning streak."
Pick: Buffalo
San Diego @ Carolina-
San Diego, Super-Chargers. They did play well last week against the Falcons, and I think I'm going to hop on the bandwagon. I'm not going to say playoffs, but these guys could finish right around .500
Pick- San Diego
Philadelphia @ Cleveland-
The Browns are undefeated at home, winless on the road. That analysis isn't going to help me... On a juicier note, a mad, deranged T.O. is facing off against mutant-looking Jeff Garcia. T.O. called Garcia gay during the summer. I don't think T.O. noticed that Garcia has been making out in public w/ that Playboy Playmate of the year. Details.
Pick: Philadelphia
Jacksonville @ Indy-
Do you think that during the bye week, Indy has a Madden tournament to see who can put up the most touchdowns with their video game versions of themselves?
Pick: Indy
Atlanta @ KC-
This is an interesting game. Ultimately though, this is a prime opportunity for Vick to get 100 yards rushing and add to his highlight show.
Pick: Atlanta
St. Louis @ Miami-
Even Brian Griese is good once he leaves the Dolphins! Take that Coach Wannstedt!
Pick: St. Louis
Tennessee @ Minnesota-
If you thought the Titans D-line looked bad in previous weeks, just wait until this matchup.
Pick: Minnesota
Detroit @ NY Giants-
Don't even get me started on the Lions stinking up the joint last week. I really want to pick the Lions, but until Kevin Jones gets healthy enough to be the feature back, it's going to be tough. AND Kurt Warner's sabbatical to the "Fortress of Solitude" during the bye week has strengthened his super powers.
Pick: NY Giants
Chicago @ Tampa Bay-
Dr. Quinn, Medicine Man versus Brian Griese. For fans who stick around after the game, the Senior NFL Flag Football League is showcasing Jim Harbaugh vs. Steve DeBerg.
Pick: Tampa Bay
Seattle @ Arizona-
Hasselbeck did shred the Pats for 350 yards last week. This time, Seattle needs to score touchdowns, not field goals.
Pick: Seattle
Dallas @ Green Bay-
This game is impossible to predict. 2 underachieving teams. It pains me to say it, but I guess I'll go w/ GB just because they have a running game.
Pick: Green Bay
New Orleans @ Oakland-
It would only be fitting if Kerry Collins hits 3 different receivers for TDs this week, now that Rice is gone.
Pick: New Orleans
Denver @ Cincinnati-
Cincinnati's first home Monday night game in almost 15 years. Too bad the pre-game will be more exciting than the actual game.
Pick: Denver
Last Week: 11-3
Season: 58-30
Manwich Matchup: 2-3 (if the Seahawks would have scored TDs, not FGs, it would have happened)
Upset Special: 4-2 (Houston Texans came through in the clutch, I sent D.Carr a fruit basket)
By the way- Cohen pointed out last week that Joe Theisman was at 61%. Well, I think I certainly stepped up to the plate last week (11-3). Let's just hope I can continue, because there's nothing more embarrassing than losing to Joe Theisman in picking NFL games (well, maybe Theisman beating me in Battleship or Connect-4).
The holdout WR McCardell got traded to the Chargers in a blockbuster- multiple pick deal. Good job Chargers on loading up for a stretch playoff run!
Finally, the Browns traded WR Quincy Morgan for Dallas WR Antonio Bryant. This is a classic, "we're disappointed with our guy, so let's swap dance partners and hope things turn out better."
Notice that all the trades were intra-conference, because that's the only way to make sure that your plays don't get used against yourself.
Enough banter, it's game-time.
Manwich Matchup of the Week-
NY Jets @ New England-
2 undefeated teams battling it out certainly qualifies under the "Manwich" category. The sad fact is, the Jets haven't been the most consistent team, barely scraping by against Buffalo and San Francisco. The Jets defense is suspect, and they better pray that playmaker Santana Moss is 100% this week to give them a chance.
NOTE: I really thought the Pats would lose last week, they were even on the cover of SI and it said "19-0." SI Cover Jinx where are you?
Pick: New England
Upset of the Week-
Buffalo @ Baltimore-
I think that the Bills have a good defense, and we all know that the Ravens offense is almost as anemic as a Zwick-led Buckeye offense. And Jamal Lewis isn't playing! I think the Bills could have what you call a "winning streak."
Pick: Buffalo
San Diego @ Carolina-
San Diego, Super-Chargers. They did play well last week against the Falcons, and I think I'm going to hop on the bandwagon. I'm not going to say playoffs, but these guys could finish right around .500
Pick- San Diego
Philadelphia @ Cleveland-
The Browns are undefeated at home, winless on the road. That analysis isn't going to help me... On a juicier note, a mad, deranged T.O. is facing off against mutant-looking Jeff Garcia. T.O. called Garcia gay during the summer. I don't think T.O. noticed that Garcia has been making out in public w/ that Playboy Playmate of the year. Details.
Pick: Philadelphia
Jacksonville @ Indy-
Do you think that during the bye week, Indy has a Madden tournament to see who can put up the most touchdowns with their video game versions of themselves?
Pick: Indy
Atlanta @ KC-
This is an interesting game. Ultimately though, this is a prime opportunity for Vick to get 100 yards rushing and add to his highlight show.
Pick: Atlanta
St. Louis @ Miami-
Even Brian Griese is good once he leaves the Dolphins! Take that Coach Wannstedt!
Pick: St. Louis
Tennessee @ Minnesota-
If you thought the Titans D-line looked bad in previous weeks, just wait until this matchup.
Pick: Minnesota
Detroit @ NY Giants-
Don't even get me started on the Lions stinking up the joint last week. I really want to pick the Lions, but until Kevin Jones gets healthy enough to be the feature back, it's going to be tough. AND Kurt Warner's sabbatical to the "Fortress of Solitude" during the bye week has strengthened his super powers.
Pick: NY Giants
Chicago @ Tampa Bay-
Dr. Quinn, Medicine Man versus Brian Griese. For fans who stick around after the game, the Senior NFL Flag Football League is showcasing Jim Harbaugh vs. Steve DeBerg.
Pick: Tampa Bay
Seattle @ Arizona-
Hasselbeck did shred the Pats for 350 yards last week. This time, Seattle needs to score touchdowns, not field goals.
Pick: Seattle
Dallas @ Green Bay-
This game is impossible to predict. 2 underachieving teams. It pains me to say it, but I guess I'll go w/ GB just because they have a running game.
Pick: Green Bay
New Orleans @ Oakland-
It would only be fitting if Kerry Collins hits 3 different receivers for TDs this week, now that Rice is gone.
Pick: New Orleans
Denver @ Cincinnati-
Cincinnati's first home Monday night game in almost 15 years. Too bad the pre-game will be more exciting than the actual game.
Pick: Denver
Last Week: 11-3
Season: 58-30
Manwich Matchup: 2-3 (if the Seahawks would have scored TDs, not FGs, it would have happened)
Upset Special: 4-2 (Houston Texans came through in the clutch, I sent D.Carr a fruit basket)
By the way- Cohen pointed out last week that Joe Theisman was at 61%. Well, I think I certainly stepped up to the plate last week (11-3). Let's just hope I can continue, because there's nothing more embarrassing than losing to Joe Theisman in picking NFL games (well, maybe Theisman beating me in Battleship or Connect-4).
Monday, October 18, 2004
5th Street Says Streaking is In
1. Well I have to write fast because there is a boston -new york game going but first a quick history note. The Puritans of the 17th century were a breed of people so conservative and uptight that even the British kicked them up (thats pretty bad). But a strange transformation happened to those Puritans when they hit plymouth rock. A new found respect for freedom, liberty but most especially streaking. Those pilgrims would run around naked all day (well sometimes they wear those funny hats). A little known fact was that the first Thanksgiving actually had a wet t-shirt contest. That spirit of streaking is still with New Englanders today. The Patroits have 18 in a row, no New England Democrat has won the White House in 44 years and the Red Sox haven't won a world series since money was invented (1918 to be exact). Which streak will be broken first? No idea
2. J-E-T-S. Yes thats the right , the other new york team is one of three teams currently undefeated in the NFL. Chad Pennington is completing a 110% of his passes (of course my math is a little shakey). Curtis Martin has found the fountain of youth and is running by, around and over players that were in diapers when he first began his career. On the other hand the Jets have beaten a who's who of crappy teams (Cinci, Buffalo, San Fran, etc.) But is anyone not fired up for their meeting with the Patroits next week?
3. Basketball, already? Yep midnight madness has come and gone and the ever exciting NBA exhibition season is upon us. The West is filled with more playoff caliber teams than Barry Bond's cupboard is with 'roids (just kidding barry don't sue me). The East on the other hand has 3 maybe four teams locked in (Detroit, Indiana, Miami and the Washington Generals... yeah the East is that bad). After that its a free for all for the bottom spots.
The Turn
4. What has happened to the Tennessee Titans? Once the bastion of that penciled in playoff pick. Well two things happened actually 1) Tyrone Calico got hurt which means the Titans are sans receivers outside of Derrick Mason and 2) The defensive line got decimated in the off-season and it just hasnt recovered. Teams are running the Titans D ragged and catch-up means McNair becomes a human pinata.
The River (Random Thoughts)
Watching a Browns Game is much like drinking an entire bottle of Tequilla. At first it might seem like a good idea but as time gets on you get more and more sick and by the end your not sure what your looking at. Don't look now but the Jaguars keep winning the close games (this year's Carolina?) Big Ben, formerly of Miami, keeps getting better and better. Sure its only been 4 games but guess what his record is. Now compare to Carson Palmers record. 'nuff said. Daunte Caulpepper is the League's MVP right now (3 games of 5 touchdowns) but Randy Moss and his hamstring better get healthy if they are to stop the Eagles juggernaught.
2. J-E-T-S. Yes thats the right , the other new york team is one of three teams currently undefeated in the NFL. Chad Pennington is completing a 110% of his passes (of course my math is a little shakey). Curtis Martin has found the fountain of youth and is running by, around and over players that were in diapers when he first began his career. On the other hand the Jets have beaten a who's who of crappy teams (Cinci, Buffalo, San Fran, etc.) But is anyone not fired up for their meeting with the Patroits next week?
3. Basketball, already? Yep midnight madness has come and gone and the ever exciting NBA exhibition season is upon us. The West is filled with more playoff caliber teams than Barry Bond's cupboard is with 'roids (just kidding barry don't sue me). The East on the other hand has 3 maybe four teams locked in (Detroit, Indiana, Miami and the Washington Generals... yeah the East is that bad). After that its a free for all for the bottom spots.
The Turn
4. What has happened to the Tennessee Titans? Once the bastion of that penciled in playoff pick. Well two things happened actually 1) Tyrone Calico got hurt which means the Titans are sans receivers outside of Derrick Mason and 2) The defensive line got decimated in the off-season and it just hasnt recovered. Teams are running the Titans D ragged and catch-up means McNair becomes a human pinata.
The River (Random Thoughts)
Watching a Browns Game is much like drinking an entire bottle of Tequilla. At first it might seem like a good idea but as time gets on you get more and more sick and by the end your not sure what your looking at. Don't look now but the Jaguars keep winning the close games (this year's Carolina?) Big Ben, formerly of Miami, keeps getting better and better. Sure its only been 4 games but guess what his record is. Now compare to Carson Palmers record. 'nuff said. Daunte Caulpepper is the League's MVP right now (3 games of 5 touchdowns) but Randy Moss and his hamstring better get healthy if they are to stop the Eagles juggernaught.
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
Week 6 - Return to Unpredictably
In Week 5, everything seemed very normal. I didn't even have to think twice about any of the games. I still only went 8-6. I think it's time for me to start being a little more crazy in the picks. One could also say that as the season progresses, and I lose track of more of these teams from not watching football, that could also lead to my poor picking. Oh well, let's try it out:
Manwich Matchup of the Week:
Seattle @ New England-
That's right, I still think this is the best game of the week, despite Seattle just collapsing last week against the Rams. The Patriots have a million positive things going for them- the best team, defending champs, a new stud RB, the longest winning streak of all time. What happens when you get them in a shootout though? The Pats probably win. BUT, I think the Seahawks will be steaming mad after last week's debacle, and that's enough for me to begin the point in the season when I start picking against the Patriots for almost no reason.
Pick: Seattle
Upset of the Week:
Houston @ Tennessee-
Everyone thinks Tennessee is fine just because they ripped up a pathetic Green Bay team. Will guess what? The Houston Texans don't quit! They forced OT against Minnesota! And don't even get me started about the other tough teams the Texans have played (San Diego & Detroit- SEE BELOW). The Texans are for real, and this game will put them on the map.
Pick: Houston
Miami @ Buffalo-
Tune in to this week's epic Toilet Bowl showdown! The battle of the only 2 winless teams! Miami K Olindo Mare got injured last week, and the Miami kick returner ended up kicking a field goal, an extra point, and a kickoff. He also tackled the returner! It's too bad this may be the highlight for the team for the season... since I think the Dolphins are using a 3rd-string QB, a 4th-string RB, a 5th-string RT, and a 6th-string waterboy.
Pick: Buffalo
San Diego @ Atlanta-
I almost made this the Manwich matchup of the week. You read that right. Vick, battling the team that traded him away, for other draft picks (Tomlinson & Brees) and a WR (T. Dwight). Fantastic storyline AND San Diego is actually good this year! San Diego already has 3 wins. I just don't think I have the balls to jump on the bandwagon this week, but if they win, I've got dibs on one of the seats next week.
Pick: Atlanta
Washington @ Chicago-
It's amazing how quickly the media can turn on Joe Gibbs when he only has 1 win.
Pick: Washington
Cincinnati @ Cleveland-
What are the odds of the Browns losing to (2) first-year starters in back-to-back weeks? I hope they are low.
Pick: Cleveland
Green Bay @ Detroit-
So, does everyone realize now, that if you Green Bay gets behind, they can't catch up? And does everyone realize that their defense is one of the worst? And does everyone realize that Ahman Green is intent on trying extra hard for yardage, so he fumbles at least once a game? Good, I'm glad we got that straight. AND- the Lions are for real.
Pick: Detroit
Kansas City @ Jacksonville-
Another great game. I'm not sure what to make of Jacksonville's D after getting shredded by San Diego last week. I think with 2 weeks to prepare, Vermeil should have his guys ready to begin a long road back to .500.
Pick: Kansas City
San Fran @ NY Jets-
I just don't believe in the 49ers. The Jets are barely winning, but in the words of Coach Edwards, "That's why you play the games! To win!" Thanks coach for clearing that up.
Pick: NY Jets
Carolina @ Philadelphia-
This Panther team really is the 1999 Atlanta Falcons, losing 1-2 players every week due to injury. This week, they welcome back RB S.Davis, after losing RB D. Foster for 6-10 weeks.
Pick: Philadelphia
Pittsburgh @ Dallas-
This is another game that is very interesting. Can the Rookie Redhawk Roethlisberger pull out 4 in a row???
Pick: Pittsburgh
Denver @ Oakland-
Am I the only one who really could care less about whether Jerry Rice gets a catch, whether he's benched, or whether he's traded? Seriously, Jerry Rice is like 42 years old and about 5 years past his prime. The coaches are right to bench the guy- that UNC point guard from '96 (R. Curry) is a lot better right now. Rice will still be the greatest WR of all time, but he's just too old right now.
Pick: Denver
Minnesota @ New Orleans-
It will be another exciting, high scoring shootout in a dome for the Vikings. This game will have high ratings Sunday night due to the large amount of fantasy players involved.
Pick: Minnesota
Tampa Bay @ St. Louis-
I bet ABC would love to get rid of this stinker of a game. At least Tampa won a game last week. Also, Coach Martz always makes the game close whether he has a big lead, or needs to make a big comeback.
Pick: St. Louis
Last Week: 8-6
Season: 47-27
Manwich Matchup: 2-3 (thank you Titans for spanking the Packers)
Upset Special: 3-2 (I guess doubling down on the Cardinals was a bad idea)
Manwich Matchup of the Week:
Seattle @ New England-
That's right, I still think this is the best game of the week, despite Seattle just collapsing last week against the Rams. The Patriots have a million positive things going for them- the best team, defending champs, a new stud RB, the longest winning streak of all time. What happens when you get them in a shootout though? The Pats probably win. BUT, I think the Seahawks will be steaming mad after last week's debacle, and that's enough for me to begin the point in the season when I start picking against the Patriots for almost no reason.
Pick: Seattle
Upset of the Week:
Houston @ Tennessee-
Everyone thinks Tennessee is fine just because they ripped up a pathetic Green Bay team. Will guess what? The Houston Texans don't quit! They forced OT against Minnesota! And don't even get me started about the other tough teams the Texans have played (San Diego & Detroit- SEE BELOW). The Texans are for real, and this game will put them on the map.
Pick: Houston
Miami @ Buffalo-
Tune in to this week's epic Toilet Bowl showdown! The battle of the only 2 winless teams! Miami K Olindo Mare got injured last week, and the Miami kick returner ended up kicking a field goal, an extra point, and a kickoff. He also tackled the returner! It's too bad this may be the highlight for the team for the season... since I think the Dolphins are using a 3rd-string QB, a 4th-string RB, a 5th-string RT, and a 6th-string waterboy.
Pick: Buffalo
San Diego @ Atlanta-
I almost made this the Manwich matchup of the week. You read that right. Vick, battling the team that traded him away, for other draft picks (Tomlinson & Brees) and a WR (T. Dwight). Fantastic storyline AND San Diego is actually good this year! San Diego already has 3 wins. I just don't think I have the balls to jump on the bandwagon this week, but if they win, I've got dibs on one of the seats next week.
Pick: Atlanta
Washington @ Chicago-
It's amazing how quickly the media can turn on Joe Gibbs when he only has 1 win.
Pick: Washington
Cincinnati @ Cleveland-
What are the odds of the Browns losing to (2) first-year starters in back-to-back weeks? I hope they are low.
Pick: Cleveland
Green Bay @ Detroit-
So, does everyone realize now, that if you Green Bay gets behind, they can't catch up? And does everyone realize that their defense is one of the worst? And does everyone realize that Ahman Green is intent on trying extra hard for yardage, so he fumbles at least once a game? Good, I'm glad we got that straight. AND- the Lions are for real.
Pick: Detroit
Kansas City @ Jacksonville-
Another great game. I'm not sure what to make of Jacksonville's D after getting shredded by San Diego last week. I think with 2 weeks to prepare, Vermeil should have his guys ready to begin a long road back to .500.
Pick: Kansas City
San Fran @ NY Jets-
I just don't believe in the 49ers. The Jets are barely winning, but in the words of Coach Edwards, "That's why you play the games! To win!" Thanks coach for clearing that up.
Pick: NY Jets
Carolina @ Philadelphia-
This Panther team really is the 1999 Atlanta Falcons, losing 1-2 players every week due to injury. This week, they welcome back RB S.Davis, after losing RB D. Foster for 6-10 weeks.
Pick: Philadelphia
Pittsburgh @ Dallas-
This is another game that is very interesting. Can the Rookie Redhawk Roethlisberger pull out 4 in a row???
Pick: Pittsburgh
Denver @ Oakland-
Am I the only one who really could care less about whether Jerry Rice gets a catch, whether he's benched, or whether he's traded? Seriously, Jerry Rice is like 42 years old and about 5 years past his prime. The coaches are right to bench the guy- that UNC point guard from '96 (R. Curry) is a lot better right now. Rice will still be the greatest WR of all time, but he's just too old right now.
Pick: Denver
Minnesota @ New Orleans-
It will be another exciting, high scoring shootout in a dome for the Vikings. This game will have high ratings Sunday night due to the large amount of fantasy players involved.
Pick: Minnesota
Tampa Bay @ St. Louis-
I bet ABC would love to get rid of this stinker of a game. At least Tampa won a game last week. Also, Coach Martz always makes the game close whether he has a big lead, or needs to make a big comeback.
Pick: St. Louis
Last Week: 8-6
Season: 47-27
Manwich Matchup: 2-3 (thank you Titans for spanking the Packers)
Upset Special: 3-2 (I guess doubling down on the Cardinals was a bad idea)
Monday, October 11, 2004
5th Street: Wild, Wacky Week especially out West
Well just when you think you have this league figured out, it throws you another a curveball. Case in point was out in the NFC West: the 2 best teams (Seattle v. St.Louis) and the 2 worst teams (San Fran v. Arizona) played. Both games a team had a huge lead. Both games incredible comebacks occurred. Now no one is really surprised if/when Arizona's defense collapses and they lose, but Seattle?!? The Seahawks had the number one rated defense going into the game. They hunted, sacked, hurried Bulger and forced three interceptions in the first half. At the end of the first half, Seattle was leading 24-7, Mike Holmgren was already diagramming plays for next weeks game against the Eagles and the Seattle fans were drinking coffee (well they always do that). But coaching genius Mike Martz (a man that admits fewer mistakes than George Bush) had Seattle just where he wanted him.
In the third quarter Martz used the Marshall Plan and scored three points, softening the Seattle D via repeated kidney punches and all Faulk all the time. In the fourth quarter and OT the Rams, despite a Seattle defense that blitzed cornerbacks, linebackers, and possibly a tank, outscored Seattle 23-3. How did this happen?
In the fourth:
9:26 Bulger finds Manumaleuna the Slender in the end zone. Holmgren responds by continuing to eat his celebratory bag of dorritos. No worries, yet. Seattle 27-17
11:30 Bulger throws a 44 yard bomb to Kevin "Who" Curtis. Holmgren responds by sticking pins in Marshall Faulk voo-doo doll. Mike Martz seen doing the running man. Seattle 27-24
12:30 Shaun Alexander hit by tranquilizer gun. Seattle forced to punt. Holmgren makes sacrifice to Pan, the god of Goats.
14:52 Marc Bulger, channeling St. Hannah (patron saint of comic book super-heroes), leads the Rams down the field with no time outs, setting up Jeff Wilkins who hits a game tying field goal. 27-27.
OT Rams win coin toss. Holmgren electrifies end zone in last ditch effort.
3:02 into OT Bulger hit a random fan ( Shaun McDonald) streaking down the sideline on a 52 yard pass play for a touchdown. Holmgren found in fetal position crying for Binkie his Teddy Bear. Rams win 33-27
2. Alright stand up if you predicted San Diego over Jacksonville, Detroit over Atlanta and New York over Dallas. Keep standing if you also predicted that Detroit, NY Jets and NY Giants would be a combined 11-2 and Tennessee, Green Bay and Kansas City would be a combined 4-10. If your still standing you will be committed to an insane asylum. Coaching matters (witness the Giants finding an offensive line and Detroit finding a clue) but so do injuries and the return of Chad Pennington and Jeremy Shockey can't be overlooked.
3. If there is one permanent fact in the NFL these days (besides Janet Jackson off the Christmas Card list) it is the New England Patroits. 19 straight wins. Cheers all around for Brady's razor sharp accuracy or the offense line that opens holes and gives the QB time. But as the Detroit Pistons showed in the NBA , great defenses, teamwork and turnovers go a long way. While this Cleveland native hates admitting it, Bill Bellichek always has his teams on all cylinders.
The Turn
4. Is there anything more fun (or common) in baseball then second guessing the manager? Was Johan Santanna pulled too early? Should Houston have left Roger Clemens in longer? Did Torre/Francona not use/use their closer/starter/porsche at the right time? Nonetheless if Boston is finally going to get over the CURSE it seems only fitting that they have to go through the Yankees.
The River (random thoughts)
5. If Chaos Theory is correct and the flapping of the butterflies wings in North Dakota produce a hurricane in Indonesia is it possible that by writing this article I am influencing the outcome of a sports game? Do you think the Browns regret not drafting Ben Roethlisberger now or will take a few more losses? After all that debate of taking Phillip Rivers or Eli Manning I find it ironic that its Big Ben playing. How bad is OSU playing, coach Jim Tressel has lost complete confidence in the power of his sweater-vests. Finally, how much more leeway does Joe Gibbs have before Daniel Snyder puts his foot in his mouth.
In the third quarter Martz used the Marshall Plan and scored three points, softening the Seattle D via repeated kidney punches and all Faulk all the time. In the fourth quarter and OT the Rams, despite a Seattle defense that blitzed cornerbacks, linebackers, and possibly a tank, outscored Seattle 23-3. How did this happen?
In the fourth:
9:26 Bulger finds Manumaleuna the Slender in the end zone. Holmgren responds by continuing to eat his celebratory bag of dorritos. No worries, yet. Seattle 27-17
11:30 Bulger throws a 44 yard bomb to Kevin "Who" Curtis. Holmgren responds by sticking pins in Marshall Faulk voo-doo doll. Mike Martz seen doing the running man. Seattle 27-24
12:30 Shaun Alexander hit by tranquilizer gun. Seattle forced to punt. Holmgren makes sacrifice to Pan, the god of Goats.
14:52 Marc Bulger, channeling St. Hannah (patron saint of comic book super-heroes), leads the Rams down the field with no time outs, setting up Jeff Wilkins who hits a game tying field goal. 27-27.
OT Rams win coin toss. Holmgren electrifies end zone in last ditch effort.
3:02 into OT Bulger hit a random fan ( Shaun McDonald) streaking down the sideline on a 52 yard pass play for a touchdown. Holmgren found in fetal position crying for Binkie his Teddy Bear. Rams win 33-27
2. Alright stand up if you predicted San Diego over Jacksonville, Detroit over Atlanta and New York over Dallas. Keep standing if you also predicted that Detroit, NY Jets and NY Giants would be a combined 11-2 and Tennessee, Green Bay and Kansas City would be a combined 4-10. If your still standing you will be committed to an insane asylum. Coaching matters (witness the Giants finding an offensive line and Detroit finding a clue) but so do injuries and the return of Chad Pennington and Jeremy Shockey can't be overlooked.
3. If there is one permanent fact in the NFL these days (besides Janet Jackson off the Christmas Card list) it is the New England Patroits. 19 straight wins. Cheers all around for Brady's razor sharp accuracy or the offense line that opens holes and gives the QB time. But as the Detroit Pistons showed in the NBA , great defenses, teamwork and turnovers go a long way. While this Cleveland native hates admitting it, Bill Bellichek always has his teams on all cylinders.
The Turn
4. Is there anything more fun (or common) in baseball then second guessing the manager? Was Johan Santanna pulled too early? Should Houston have left Roger Clemens in longer? Did Torre/Francona not use/use their closer/starter/porsche at the right time? Nonetheless if Boston is finally going to get over the CURSE it seems only fitting that they have to go through the Yankees.
The River (random thoughts)
5. If Chaos Theory is correct and the flapping of the butterflies wings in North Dakota produce a hurricane in Indonesia is it possible that by writing this article I am influencing the outcome of a sports game? Do you think the Browns regret not drafting Ben Roethlisberger now or will take a few more losses? After all that debate of taking Phillip Rivers or Eli Manning I find it ironic that its Big Ben playing. How bad is OSU playing, coach Jim Tressel has lost complete confidence in the power of his sweater-vests. Finally, how much more leeway does Joe Gibbs have before Daniel Snyder puts his foot in his mouth.
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
Week 5 - Appealing, Delaying, & Repealing Appeals
Can anyone explain to me how Onterrio Smith wanted to "appeal" his drug suspension, then somehow "delayed" his appeal for over a month? But then he repealed his appeal and just accepted the punishment?!? It's all very convenient, as now Michael Bennett is ready to return, but then he injures his knee during practice. I didn't even think you could appeal a drug suspension in the NFL. This is the league that has had a "fashion police" to make sure that everyone's socks are right and that everyone's shirts are tucked in. Yet suddenly, Onterrio is the first one to just say "Hey, my team has a lot of injuries, so I'm just going to play for a few weeks first." I just have this image of Onterrio paying the "Piss Man" from ESPN's "Playmakers" to delay in reporting the results.
I'm glad that's off my chest. Here are the games-
Manwich-Sized Matchup
Tennessee @ Green Bay-
This is a strange game between 2 desperate teams. I'm looking at (2) 1-3 teams that have just been terrible. The Titans got edged out by the Jaguars and then got smacked around by the Chargers. Yes, the Chargers. The Packers started with a bang by beating Carolina, then proceeded to lose every game since showing that they are incapable of playing any run defense. The Titans can run the ball well, and I'm expecting Ahman Green to fumble a couple of more times, so I'm going with the Titans.
Pick: Tennessee
Upset of the Week
Arizona @ San Fran-
It still says that San Fran is a one-point favorite, so I'm going to cash in on the Cardinals for one more week while I still can.
Pick: Arizona
Detroit @ Atlanta-
This could actually be a good game. You gotta believe in Coach Mariucci... to keep it close. I can't even imagine how good the Falcons would be if they used WR Michael Jenkins. If anyone has ESPN football- The Videogame, you know that Jenkins is incredible.
Pick: Atlanta
NY Giants @ Dallas-
OK, Kurt Warner. You showed me that there was no Krypton in Green Bay. I still don't believe it though. The Packers defensive players, that Warner beat last week, wouldn't even compete w/ Dallas's local pee-wee defensive team.
Pick: Dallas
Minnesota @ Houston-
Houston has climbed back to 2-2. But stopping Minnesota is difficult, no matter whether Onterrio Smith, Moe Williams, or Marty McFly is in at running back.
Pick: Minnesota
Oakland @ Indy-
I wonder if Jerry Rice has any kids, because then we could have our first father-son combo on the field at the same time.
Pick: Indy
Miami @ New England-
The best news the Dolphins got this week is that Ricky Williams wants to play again, meaning they might be able to trade Ricky's rights for something. Too bad that doesn't help the Dolphins on the field, as they are already on a 4th string RB.
Pick: New England
Tampa Bay @ New Orleans-
Chris Simms is starting his first game. Phil Simms could broadcast this game. Father-son broadcast-player relationships don't work well. Just look at Bill Walton calling some Arizona basketall games w/ Luke Walton. Oh wait, that's just because Bill Walton is a poor broadcaster in general.
Top Bill Walton quote: "The team that can score the most points will win."
Pick: New Orleans
Cleveland @ Pittsburgh-
What were the odds that the Browns could get into 1st place by winning this game? This pains me to say it, it pains me to predict it, but I don't think the Browns have the Steelers playbook (unlike last week against Washington).
Pick: Pittsburgh
Buffalo @ NY Jets-
J-E-T-S! Jets! Jets! Jets!
Pick: NY Jets
Jacksonville @ San Diego-
I am refusing to believe in these Chargers. The Jag defense will put the clamps down.
Pick: Jacksonville
Carolina @ Denver-
I have no idea which Carolina team will show up. I don't think I've picked any of their games right so far.
Pick: Denver
St. Louis @ Seattle-
The only way this division gets interesting is if Coach Martz finds a way to win. Martz is just too illogical and crazy at this point to get it done.
Pick: Seattle
Baltimore @ Washington-
So, the Ravens had to lose a game w/o Deion. Had to give him some value. Meanwhile, Portis and the Redskins were complaining that the Browns "knew all the plays" last week. Doesn't that just mean they need to expand the playbook beyond on the 8 plays available in the 1991 version of Tecmo Bowl?
Pick: Baltimore
Last Week: 9-5
Season: 39-21
Manwich Matchup: 1-3 (damn the unpredictable Panthers)
Upset Special: 3-1 (thank you Cardinals)
I'm glad that's off my chest. Here are the games-
Manwich-Sized Matchup
Tennessee @ Green Bay-
This is a strange game between 2 desperate teams. I'm looking at (2) 1-3 teams that have just been terrible. The Titans got edged out by the Jaguars and then got smacked around by the Chargers. Yes, the Chargers. The Packers started with a bang by beating Carolina, then proceeded to lose every game since showing that they are incapable of playing any run defense. The Titans can run the ball well, and I'm expecting Ahman Green to fumble a couple of more times, so I'm going with the Titans.
Pick: Tennessee
Upset of the Week
Arizona @ San Fran-
It still says that San Fran is a one-point favorite, so I'm going to cash in on the Cardinals for one more week while I still can.
Pick: Arizona
Detroit @ Atlanta-
This could actually be a good game. You gotta believe in Coach Mariucci... to keep it close. I can't even imagine how good the Falcons would be if they used WR Michael Jenkins. If anyone has ESPN football- The Videogame, you know that Jenkins is incredible.
Pick: Atlanta
NY Giants @ Dallas-
OK, Kurt Warner. You showed me that there was no Krypton in Green Bay. I still don't believe it though. The Packers defensive players, that Warner beat last week, wouldn't even compete w/ Dallas's local pee-wee defensive team.
Pick: Dallas
Minnesota @ Houston-
Houston has climbed back to 2-2. But stopping Minnesota is difficult, no matter whether Onterrio Smith, Moe Williams, or Marty McFly is in at running back.
Pick: Minnesota
Oakland @ Indy-
I wonder if Jerry Rice has any kids, because then we could have our first father-son combo on the field at the same time.
Pick: Indy
Miami @ New England-
The best news the Dolphins got this week is that Ricky Williams wants to play again, meaning they might be able to trade Ricky's rights for something. Too bad that doesn't help the Dolphins on the field, as they are already on a 4th string RB.
Pick: New England
Tampa Bay @ New Orleans-
Chris Simms is starting his first game. Phil Simms could broadcast this game. Father-son broadcast-player relationships don't work well. Just look at Bill Walton calling some Arizona basketall games w/ Luke Walton. Oh wait, that's just because Bill Walton is a poor broadcaster in general.
Top Bill Walton quote: "The team that can score the most points will win."
Pick: New Orleans
Cleveland @ Pittsburgh-
What were the odds that the Browns could get into 1st place by winning this game? This pains me to say it, it pains me to predict it, but I don't think the Browns have the Steelers playbook (unlike last week against Washington).
Pick: Pittsburgh
Buffalo @ NY Jets-
J-E-T-S! Jets! Jets! Jets!
Pick: NY Jets
Jacksonville @ San Diego-
I am refusing to believe in these Chargers. The Jag defense will put the clamps down.
Pick: Jacksonville
Carolina @ Denver-
I have no idea which Carolina team will show up. I don't think I've picked any of their games right so far.
Pick: Denver
St. Louis @ Seattle-
The only way this division gets interesting is if Coach Martz finds a way to win. Martz is just too illogical and crazy at this point to get it done.
Pick: Seattle
Baltimore @ Washington-
So, the Ravens had to lose a game w/o Deion. Had to give him some value. Meanwhile, Portis and the Redskins were complaining that the Browns "knew all the plays" last week. Doesn't that just mean they need to expand the playbook beyond on the 8 plays available in the 1991 version of Tecmo Bowl?
Pick: Baltimore
Last Week: 9-5
Season: 39-21
Manwich Matchup: 1-3 (damn the unpredictable Panthers)
Upset Special: 3-1 (thank you Cardinals)
Monday, October 04, 2004
Flying High on the 5th Street
Well with week 4 of the NFL is in the books and major league baseball playoffs nearly upon us the sports world is heating up. So without further ado, a few thoughts and observations, courtesy of the 5th street.
The Flop
1. The Eagles are definitly flying high. They have cruised to a 4-0 record this year and have already bested one of the top NFC contenders (Minnesota). What is the secret of their success? It is not the addition of Terrell Owens. Its certainly not Andy Reid's impersonation of Humpty Dumpty. The answer is Rush Limbaugh. It seems like it was only last year when ESPN made one of the biggest blunders in TV history by hiring the Rushbo. If you are what you eat, Rush obviously has devoured a fat racist. Since his criticism of McNabb being overrated, the Eagles are 17-3. McNabb is currently playing his best football of his career while Rush is still working on sit-up number 1. If only Rush would criticize the Browns, perhaps then they could start winning as well.
2. Is there any team more disappointing than the Chiefs? If they lose tonight, no. But a close contender are the Packers. Formerly as constant as the Northern Star, the Packers have fallen flat on their face. Since beating the Colts, the Packers have been unable to do anything right. Ahman "Butters" Green couldn't hold onto the ball if he was covered in glue. The Packer's defense puts up slightly less resistance than a kleenex after the proverbial snot party (one might ask do people really have snot parties and I answer obviously you have never been to any of my family functions). Mike Tice, now armed with the heimlich manuever, should keep the Vikings from choking and on top of the NFC North.
3. While on the subject of disappointing...how about them Cubbies? Now you may say Philadelphia was equally disappointing but you would be completely wrong. Philadelphia did improve their team but forgot to ditch manager Larry Bowa. Bowa couldn't lead his team to a victory at tic-tac-toe over a two year old. The Cubbies, despite being healthy executed a perfect swan dive by losing 7 of their last 10 games. A tough day for Chicago.
The Turn
4. While on the subject of baseball, can anyone really pick out the favorite for the baseball playoffs? In the AL nearly every team has two solid starters, a good closer and a powerful lineup. The exception is of course the Yankees (sans starting pinching) but can anyone ever count out the team that Ruth built and Steinbreinner bought out? Out on the NL side, no team is complete with starting pitching a glaring hole. If I was a betting man, I would state that the Florida Marlins will not repeat as World Series champions and by the fact that they did not make the playoffs, leaves me to believe if its a fairly safe bet.
The River (or random thoughts)
5. Cheers all around for Kurt Warner. The former MVP was pretty much dumped like a JLo husband. However he has bounced back, won the starting qb job and led the Giants to a startling 3-1 record. Also cheers all around for Dennis Green. Football's doormat (the Arizona Cardinals) have played every team tough so far this year and it paid off Sunday with Arizona's first victory. Here in Columbus political signs seem to be being stolen left and right off lawns. Ah democracy truly brings out the best in people. Finally the 5th street is all aboard the Kyle Orton for Heisman trophy train. Damn is he good.
The Flop
1. The Eagles are definitly flying high. They have cruised to a 4-0 record this year and have already bested one of the top NFC contenders (Minnesota). What is the secret of their success? It is not the addition of Terrell Owens. Its certainly not Andy Reid's impersonation of Humpty Dumpty. The answer is Rush Limbaugh. It seems like it was only last year when ESPN made one of the biggest blunders in TV history by hiring the Rushbo. If you are what you eat, Rush obviously has devoured a fat racist. Since his criticism of McNabb being overrated, the Eagles are 17-3. McNabb is currently playing his best football of his career while Rush is still working on sit-up number 1. If only Rush would criticize the Browns, perhaps then they could start winning as well.
2. Is there any team more disappointing than the Chiefs? If they lose tonight, no. But a close contender are the Packers. Formerly as constant as the Northern Star, the Packers have fallen flat on their face. Since beating the Colts, the Packers have been unable to do anything right. Ahman "Butters" Green couldn't hold onto the ball if he was covered in glue. The Packer's defense puts up slightly less resistance than a kleenex after the proverbial snot party (one might ask do people really have snot parties and I answer obviously you have never been to any of my family functions). Mike Tice, now armed with the heimlich manuever, should keep the Vikings from choking and on top of the NFC North.
3. While on the subject of disappointing...how about them Cubbies? Now you may say Philadelphia was equally disappointing but you would be completely wrong. Philadelphia did improve their team but forgot to ditch manager Larry Bowa. Bowa couldn't lead his team to a victory at tic-tac-toe over a two year old. The Cubbies, despite being healthy executed a perfect swan dive by losing 7 of their last 10 games. A tough day for Chicago.
The Turn
4. While on the subject of baseball, can anyone really pick out the favorite for the baseball playoffs? In the AL nearly every team has two solid starters, a good closer and a powerful lineup. The exception is of course the Yankees (sans starting pinching) but can anyone ever count out the team that Ruth built and Steinbreinner bought out? Out on the NL side, no team is complete with starting pitching a glaring hole. If I was a betting man, I would state that the Florida Marlins will not repeat as World Series champions and by the fact that they did not make the playoffs, leaves me to believe if its a fairly safe bet.
The River (or random thoughts)
5. Cheers all around for Kurt Warner. The former MVP was pretty much dumped like a JLo husband. However he has bounced back, won the starting qb job and led the Giants to a startling 3-1 record. Also cheers all around for Dennis Green. Football's doormat (the Arizona Cardinals) have played every team tough so far this year and it paid off Sunday with Arizona's first victory. Here in Columbus political signs seem to be being stolen left and right off lawns. Ah democracy truly brings out the best in people. Finally the 5th street is all aboard the Kyle Orton for Heisman trophy train. Damn is he good.
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