Monday, April 30, 2007
With the 13th pick in the draft, Gutsy Goldberg selects... Bill Goldberg
With the next selection of the BSD Mock Wrestler Draft... Publius selections.
The Body, The Mind, and the Governing Body of Minnesota... Jesse Ventura
My first two draft picks were clear bad @asses. Stone Cold and The Undertaker flank the Governor as body guards. In the middle of the entourage, is the BODY!!
Navy Vet? Check. He served on the underwater demolition team. I have no idea what that means but it sounds bad@ss and must get you pussy. Movie star? Check. Predator!! With ARNOLD!! What??? Are all Predator stars required to serve as Governor? Wrestler? Check. Body breaker is the finishing move.
GOVERNOR!?!?! Of Minnesota? Check.
With the next pick, MJ selects a real american hero, Sgt. Slaughter.
Not only was this the man that defended America's honor against the Iron Sheik, not only was he a member of the great fighting force of GI Joe (fighting Cobra/Baltimore Raves) at every turn, but he even found time to coach the Pittsburgh Steelers!
A true patriot, I salute my Sarge!
Peeps, Laz's next pick is gonna be Koko B. Ware.
Not only did he have a parrot, but he had the ghost buster, the most devastating move in all of wrestling (the razor's edge is 2nd). its a move where you pick the guy up in a suplex,
but instead of dropping back, you bring the guys head straight down into the mat. AMAZING. i remember that in wrestlemania VI he beat rick the model martel, which was awesome. but he did get his butt kicked by the big bossman, that was bad.
So I have a confession to make. Growing up I wasn't really a fan of the WWF (now the WWE). Sure I watched it Sunday mornings but my true wrestling love was staying up Saturday Nights and watching NWA (National Wrestling Alliance). Sure it was a little Southern but the promos were a little more emotional, the characters more charismatic and the wrestling a little crisper. Later the NWA became WCW and it still was more enjoyable to me. I suppose we all have our naughty pleasures and outside of the heroine and hooveryacht flying enjoyment of NWA/WCW wrestling is it. Unfortunately all good things come to an end when Vince McMahon bought WCW. There were two wrestlers that stood out as legends of WCW: 1) Ric Flair and 2) Sting. Which is how WCW ended Flair v. Sting.
Sting started as kind of a knock off the Ultimate Warrior but the key difference was The Stinger could actually wrestle. Which allowed him from becoming a cheap icon and instead a legend. The Stinger Splash, The Stinger Death Drop and of course number two on the submission moves list...The Stinger Deathlock. Later Sting would evolve into more of a Crow/Phantom of the Opera type character which elevated Sting to one of the best wrestlers ever for his opposition to the then most popular wrestling alliance ever...The NWO. As such my next selection if for my youth and for the NWA/WCW....Sting
Mighty... Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat.
Probably not the best well known wrestler but one of best technical wrestlers of all time. He was involved in of the top two best matches/feuds of all time: Flair v. Steamboat and Macho Man v. Steamboat.
Honestly if you like wrestling at all the Macho Man v. Steamboat is considered the best WWF wrestling match ever. Steamboat was the Face's Face. In other words he is probably the only famous wrestler ever to only be a good guy. He was just too likeable. Anyway as someone that enjoys wrestling at its finest and with a head nod to history I'm going with Ricky The Dragon Steamboat
So, with MJ's 4th selection, I'm going for the blinding glare of the bling - the Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase.
The Million Dollar Man taught guys like Barry Bonds, Donald Trump, and Mark Cuban everything they know about how to behave like a multi-millionaire douchebag and it was his nasty and arrogant streak that made him one of the greatest characters in wrestling history. Don't believe me? Read this:
"DiBiase would invite fans into the ring or to the interview platform to perform humiliating acts (such as kissing his feet) for money. One of the more infamous of these skits was when he invited a young boy onto a stage and told him if he bounced a ball 15 times in succession,
DiBiase would pay him $500. After the 14th bounce, DiBiase kicked the ball away, sending the boy home without pay."
The Million Dollar Man, together with his bodyguard Zeus, were the best bad-guy duo in wrestling and they give my four-man team the nasty edge it needs.
Laz's last pick is Tito Santana, the "matador" of WWF.
he had the flying forearm, known as either the flying burrito, or the flying jalepeno. also, he most resembles the futurama cartoon when bender was a wrestler "a.k.a. bender the offender a.k.a. the gender bender" and in that episode, bender fought "the foreigner" who was a robot dressed as a matador and looked exactly like tito santana. Then to taunt the crowd, the robot said "i'm not from here, i have strange customs" which just pissed off the audience.
Publius... Trish Stratus
* World Wrestling Federation / Entertainment
* WWE Women's Championship (7 times)
* WWE Hardcore Championship (1 time )
* WWE Babe of the Year (2001, 2002, 2003)
Professional Wrestler and fitness model!!! Damn. That's how you round out a posse (Stone Cold, The Governing Body, and the Undertaker). dont mess with my posse.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
1) Oakland – QB – J. Russell – No doubt at this point.
2) Detroit – WR – Calvin Johnson – It’s inevitable that Matt Millen selects a WR. INEVITABLE! I feel like ESPN should film a conversation between the Architect from the Matrix and Calvin Johnson and the Architect can explain how some of Calvin's predecessors have failed on the Lions.
3) Cleveland – OT – Joe Thomas – This is the pick that I want, and the one that makes sense. I’m going to be a sad Browns fan if they take Brady Quinn. Very sad.
4) Tampa Bay – DE – Gaines Adams – Gaines was the name of a villian on Season 1 of "24." That's all I got.
5) Arizona – OT – Levi Brown – He’s bad, bad, Levi Brown, baddest man in the whole damn town…
6) Kansas City (after trading with Washington) – DT – Amobi Okoye – The Kansas City ownership forces the management to trade up for Okoye, to keep the Okoye name in the Kansas City franchise. Long live Christian “The Nigerian Nightmare” Okoye!
7) Minnesota – RB – Adrian Peterson – collarbones are like pringles - once you pop it, you can't stop it.
8) Atlanta – DE – Jamaal Anderson – The Atlanta ownership forces the management to trade up for Jamaal Anderson. “Two can play this game Kansas City!”
9) Miami – who cares.
10) Houston – CB – Leon Hall – Leon is a great name.
23) Kansas City – Ted Ginn Jr. – Ginn is awesome. Except when he turns his ankle celebrating a touchdown from one of his teammates stepping on his foot.
28) Carolina (after trading down with New England) – WR – Steve Smith – Carolina trumps Kansas City AND Atlanta. Now they can start both Steve Smith wideouts at the same time, and they will confuse defenses, John Madden, and the rest of America!
5th round – Cleveland Browns select Troy Smith - At least he would get to go back to Cleveland!
Anyway here's my predictions:
1. Oakland Raiders - Jamarcus Russell
Everything else has been a smoke screen. The Crypt Keeper err Al Davis wants action and excitement and as such there are only two possibilities. Scarlett Johansson and Jamarcus Russell. The Raiders will obviously make the wrong choice and go with Russell.
2. Detroit Lions - Calvin Johnson
Look its equally likely that the Lions will trade this slot to either Tampa or Atlanta or Washington or John Mccain (who desperately needs good publicity) and make the selection themselves but whoever is at the Number 2 slot I say picks Calvin Johnson. He's by far the anointed "sure thing" with a chiseled physique, freakish athletic skills and abilities in the kitchen (notably he makes a tasty chicken parmigiana). That said Matt Millen may end up going with his other choice...a pony.
3. Cleveland Browns - Brady Quinn
The Cleveland Browns draft strategy tends to oscillate between a Chinese Fire Drill and re-enacting the scene of the Captain going down with the Titantic. Pederson is still hurt, Joe Thomas makes too much sense and the ownership wants to sell tickets with the face of the lost Manning Sibling on it. Yet another year of rebuilding and possibly one step forward to triumphant return of Sgt Slaughter (aka The Chin aka Bill Cowher) to Cleveland.
Artist rendition of a local Cleveland bar (or the Cohen household) during the NFL Draft
Remember when Tampa won the Super Bowl. Remember when Jon Gruden was considered a good coach, maybe even great. Remember that time Gutsy was in a Turkish Prison. Ah so many memories. So long ago. So lets say that my wild projections are somehow accurate and Calvin Johnson is off the table. Tampa should go with defense. Gaines Adams is the choice if Detroit is selecting here. Its possibly the choice if Tampa is selecting here. I suppose so is Gruden using his "laser" and holding the world hostage for.....1 million dollars.
According to legend only the sweet sweet nectar of Onion Rings can soothe Gruden's rage.
The average life span of an Arizona Cardinals QB is roughly equivalent to the life expectancy of a person covered in cupcakes and sent to Rosie O'Donnells' house. Jake Plummer came into the league discussing Sartre and left wondering how to operate a razor. Coincidence, I think not! There's just not enough blocking for the Cards. They made huge strides last year so Thomas can be brought in to protect Leinart from tacklers and paternity suits.
Random Bets (note betting is illegal unless your having fun or really need the money)
1. Michael Irvin forgets he doesn't play anymore: EVEN
2. Michael Irvin forgets he's on tv and wears his rasta hat 2:1
3. Kiper rips Minnesota's pick. Even
4. Kiper Jr. rips the state of Minnesota and they're lousy lakes. 4:1
5. Suzy Kolber interviews a college kid who mumbles incoherently EVEN
6. Suzy Kolber interviews Stuart Scott who also mumbles incoherently: 1:2
7. Number of times Jaws uses the phrase "I've watched the tape" : 67
8. Number of times Merill Hodges is confused by a door knob: 67
What's your prediction?
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
In a rocks glass pour vodka, the Kahlua and then the tonic water. Serve with a straw.
Welcome to the mid-week installment of Cheers and Jeers. Due to the author’s inability to post last Friday and someone ordering the symphony orchestra during Homerpalooza (
As part of the continuing interest in disclosure of side-effects, CJ is approved to treat male urinary symptoms due to BPH. Common side effects of CJ are runny nose, dizziness and decrease in semen. A sudden decrease in blood pressure may occur upon standing, rarely resulting in fainting. So when starting CJ, avoid situations where injury could result.
Onto the business at hand…
Cheers: to the BSD who participated in the Wrestling Draft. Great idea Colonel and jeers to that lazy commissioner who hasn’t posted rounds 3 and 4!! DAMN HIM
Cheers: To the start of the NBA playoffs. I love it when both the Heat and Lakers are down 0-2. I have to admit Spurs and Mavericks fatigue. I am cheering for the Suns meaning the kiss of death has been applied.
Jeers: To the rotator cuff. I hope Pryor can return to his 2003 form when he finished third in NL Cy Young voting (18-6 with a 4.24 ERA and struck out 245 in 211 1-3 innings).
Pre-emptive Jeers: to the
Cheers: to the NFL DRAFT!!! I have had it with the talk, analysis, and Berman's trip to the dessert tray. Get on with it please.
The top 3 links of the week:Please accept a great public service announcement from CJ:
1. Why do the NHL and NFL playoffs re-seed? Why do the NBA, MLB, and NCAA not re-seed in their postseason tournaments? Is there one reason or another why this should or shouldn’t be done? If a #15 seed upsets a #2 seed in March Madness, should the #15 seed then play the winner of the #1-#16 matchup? I’ve always wondered why this happens.
2. Why does the national media, made up of individuals who hate the Yankees, continue to give Joe Torre a pass for being a horrendous manager? It seems so odd to hate everything about a city and a franchise, including most of its players, but to continue to exonerate the man who stands at the top step. The guys on ESPN can’t wait to lead off their stories with tales of the Yankees’ demise, but never mention that almost everything going wrong is Joe Torre’s fault.
Torre can’t manage a bench or a bullpen to save his life and he’s costing the Yankees wins every day. I haven’t lost faith in the team’s ability to bounce back from their third consecutive poor start but my faith in Torre has been absent since 2002. Someone fire this idiot before it’s too late.
3. Whose bright idea was it to put NBA playoff games on a subscription channel that most Americans don’t have access to. Last night I wanted to check out some of Game 2 of the Nets-Raptors series. Lo and behold, I discovered that it was on an obscure channel called NBA TV (channel 412 on my cable system).
I’m sorry but if your channel is in the high triple-digits, most people don’t know about it. Isn’t the whole point of the playoffs to draw in the casual fan that doesn’t have the patience for all those meaningless regular season games? It makes sense for regular season games to be on random channels found all over the dial. But the playoffs? That’s supposed to be accessible to everyone on normal channels like TNT, ESPN, or ESPN2. Instead, ESPN was showing an NFL Draft preview and some garbage called “Contender Challenge” – a show that died on regular TV and isn’t doing any better on cable. If ESPN is going to shell out all that dough for the right to broadcast pro hoops, they should be willing to pre-empt their mundane tripe for exciting playoff basketball.
4. And while we’re on the subject of ESPN programming blunders, am I the only one that thinks that maybe, just maybe, all of ESPN’s draft coverage has reached the point of overkill. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve watched some or all of first round coverage of the NFL Draft in years past. But I’m beginning to feel like having a gazillion hours of this stuff is just ridiculous. I mean, is anyone so hardcore that they should need live televised coverage of the seventh round? Even fantasy geeks and professional gamblers can’t be that interested. Someone needs to sit ESPN and the NFL down and explain that perhaps all draft coverage beyond the first round should be moved to the NFL Network.
5. Although there’s nothing that can be done about it – and truth be told, I’m not terribly bothered by it – I’m still a bit saddened to think that Reggie Jackson was pushed out of the all-time top-10 list in career homeruns by Ken Griffey Jr. It’s not because Jackson was a Yankee since, after all, he only hit 144 of his 563 HR in Pinstripes, it’s more my lamentation of the devalued status of the long ball.
When I was a kid, Mickey Mantle’s 536 career homers was good for eighth place all-time. Back then, I knew the top-10 list (Aaron, Ruth, Mays, Robinson, Killebrew, Jackson, Schmidt, Mantle, Foxx, McCovey/Williams) because being able to recite that list, along with their totals, meant something.
Full disclosure – I rank Junior Griffey as one of my least favorite athletes of all time. I chafe that someone who has had less than five minutes of significance at any point in this decade could now be among the career leaders in homers. But this isn’t personal against him. It’s just sad that the 500-HR club is getting crowded with guys who couldn’t carry The Mick’s or The Say Hey Kid’s cleats. Baseball sold its soul for homers and now it’ll have to deal with Barry’s assault on the record and more guys like Griffey joining a list that was once reserved for the best of the best.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Let’s shed some light on this Yankee-Red Sox thing:
Fact Set A
April 23, 2005: Red Sox (10-8, 2nd place) / Yankees (7-11, 5th place)
April 23, 2006: Red Sox (12-7, 1st place) / Yankees (9-8, 3rd place)
April 23, 2007: Red Sox (12-5, 1st place) / Yankees (8-9, 3rd place)
Fact Set B
2007 Red Sox opponents’ record: 44-59 (.427) 474 runs scored, 514 runs allowed
2007 Yankees opponents’ record: 58-46 (.558) 492 runs scored, 458 runs allowed
What I’m driving at with Fact Set A is that it’s WAY too early to hand the Red Sox the division title. The Yanks have been one of the best second-half teams in baseball the past two seasons whereas Boston’s been one of the best first-half teams in baseball over the same time period. As for Fact Set B, it’s merely to point out that the Yanks have played better teams overall in 2007 and that when they get a chance to fatten up on the Royals and Mariners, I expect they’ll gain some ground on Boston. After all, Boston pitched the top of their rotation against two rookies who are subbing in for injured starters in the Yanks’ rotation. And the Yanks were without Hideki Matsui, Johnny Damon, and Jorge Posada. Given the fact that the Yanks lost three games by a combined four runs, it’s hard for me to feel like Boston’s head and shoulders above New York. The Yanks will get healthy and crush Boston like they do every year.
Oh, and two final notes. Before everyone rushes to give Josh Beckett or Daisuke Matsuzaka the Cy Young Award, please note that when they finally faced a major league lineup full of patient hitters they both got bombed. Matsuzaka, especially, got a beating to the tune of six earned runs in seven innings. Yes, he struck out seven, but he also gave up three extra-base hits. He’s a good pitcher but I definitely enjoyed watching the Yanks take professional AB’s out there. Oh, and he’s a head-hunter. If Torre had any balls at all, one of the Yanks would’ve sailed a fastball at Manny just to put the Red Sox on notice.
Well its only (deep breathe here) one game but a few surprises have popped up. Frankly I expected the Eastern Conference Games to be tightly contested well the real games wouldn't start out West until Round 2. However yesterday a series of upsets in Texas quickly changed that. Denver and Golden State (which I believe is located actually in Oregon as part of tax deferment plan) beat out the heavily favored Spurs and Mavs. Baron Davis showed off that he is that good when healthy and the dynamic duo of AI and Melo worked the way Denver fans had dreamed when the trade was first announced. While I doubt either of the underdogs can continue their winning ways every extra game the Spurs or Mavs have to play, every extra ounce of energy hurts their chances in future rounds. That said if Spurs or Mavs fall behind 2-0 before heading out on the road watch out.
There's more smoke around the NFL Draft still than at a coffeehouse in Amsterdam (Or so the Pink Elephant told me). One factor thats important thats a little unreported is the fear a lot of NFL executives have over top 5 draft pick money. There's a huge difference in guaranteed money and certainly given the chance players could fall the likelihood of trades early on are very low. In fact it may be far more likely the trades will happen in the bottom half of the first round rather than the top.
One of the interesting thing I find (and annoying) is how the media covers itself. How does react and interact with their own. One of the more controversial things in the sports world today is oddly about Jason Whitlock. Whitlock a former espn columnist/commentator wrote a column calling out Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson as attention hogs and in effect the Don Imus controversy overblown. This was of course was of course countered by the General Manager of ESPN the Magazine's Keith Clinkscales who wrote one of the more scathing smackdowns I think I've ever read. More less Clinkscales wrote that Whitlock was empowering the main stream media in continuing to perpetuate the sideshow debates and continue with fairly bigoted commentary. Michael Wilbon, probably the most prominent black sports writer today echoed this point of Zero Tolerance and appropriateness of the focus on Imus with slightly more politeness before subtly putting Whitlock's comments behind the shed and beating it like the proverbial government mule.
Of course like a moth to the flames Pete King, Captain Main Stream Media himself, with one line alined himself with Whitlock and Uncle Ruckus today in his column. I'm even going to bother linking to such a ridiculous column. I'm not sure why Pete King is intruding himself onto this debate in the first place but if he thinks that inserting himself with only one line will allow him to float above this serious debate - its silly and frankly cowardly. If King has an opinion he should give it. If not he should shut up. I'm of mind to use the Hitman War Call "Peter King: Shut the Hell Up!
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Just a little fun before the weekend and the NBA playoffs. Once in awhile ESPN does something pretty cool and this is one of them....
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Anyways, let’s breakdown the matchups!
1-Detroit vs. 8-Orlando – Yes!!!! This is the matchup I’ve been dreaming of for years. Finally, we get to see the “Revenge of Darko”! I’m EXPECTING Darko to throw down at some point with Rasheed Wallace. It has to happen. Plus, Darko has every right to talk as much trash as possible during the brief 20-25 minutes he plays each night.
4-Miami vs. 5-Chicago – This is clearly the marquee matchup of the 1st round. Everyone thinks Miami is going to win, but you know what? The Bulls are dangerous. The problem all season for the Bulls has been figuring out a rotation. Hell, the Bulls couldn’t even figure it out against the Nets on this last night of the season. Even though logic would dictates that the Heat should win (hell – even their dance team won the playoffs this season - http://www.nba.com/features/dance_bracket_2007.html AND last season http://www.nba.com/features/dance_bracket_2006.html ), I don’t believe Wade is healthy, and I believe these Bulls will get their first playoff series victory since the Jordan era.
3-Toronto vs. 6-New Jersey – The Raptors are dangerous. Even with Garbajosa going down for the season, the Raptors still have an underrated Chris Bosh, and the speedy PG TJ Ford. This is a terrible matchup for Jason Kidd, because everyone knows he can’t guard quick players. Maybe the Nets will play a zone for the whole series. The only way the Nets win is if they continue to get surprise production from their 2nd-half surprises, Boston Nachbar and Mikki Moore (who’s boxing his way out to a big free agent deal this summer).
****Bonus: Vince Carter will be getting booed at every moment in Toronto!
2-Cleveland vs. 7-Washington – I usually try to remain unbiased, but it’s not often that every outcome goes exactly the way you want it. The Cavs began the night faced with the prospect of taking on the Miami Heat in the first round (4-5 matchup) and then having to take on the Pistons. The Cavs needed three outcomes Wednesday night (Cleveland winning, Chicago losing, Washington winning) to play the Washington Wizards (who are missing Gilbert Arenas AND Caron Butler), and every game happened the way Lebron and all of Cleveland dreamed it would! I will be eating MJ’s Frosted Rage Flakes for 1 week straight if the Cavs lose this series.
1-Dallas vs. 8-Golden State – last time Golden State was in the playoffs, in the 1993-1994 season, they also were eliminated by the Suns in the 1st round. That Golden State team was very fun – it was coached by Don Nelson and they started Chris Webber, Latrell Spreeewell, Chris Mullin, AND Avery Johnson! I clearly should have taken that bet that one of the players would soon coach against Don Nelson and dominate. Anyways, this 2007 Golden State team would get killed by that 1995 Golden State team. Plus, Avery Johnson knows ALL of Don Nelson’s weaknesses after coaching under him for multiple years in Dallas. WARNING: Golden State actually went 3-0 versus Dallas this season, BUT, it's very misleading, because one victory was the 3rd game of the season, and a second took place on Tuesday when Dallas was resting everyone. Pick: Dallas
4-Utah vs. 5-Houston – Houston actually has the homecourt advantage in this series. The edge really has to go to Houston, because Utah has been terrible in the last half of the season. It should be fun to see former Illini alumni Deron Williams and Luther Head go against each other. Ultimately, Yao and McGrady and the Rockets have been playing great, and that’s who I have to go with.
3-San Antonio vs. 6-Denver – They played in the 2005 playoffs, and there was a lot of bad blood. Kenyon Martin may be gone, but the rest of the team is pretty much still there. Denver actually would have had a better chance just sprinting the whole game against Phoenix.
Pick: San Antonio
2- Phoenix vs. 7-Lakers – This could get interesting. The Lakers have a great coach, and definitely have some weapons. Hell, according to this video, Kobe is actually Neo from the Matrix and doesn’t even need to breathe oxygen. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmLFP8o8S5Y Still not clear why the Lakers struggled so much this year, which really makes me believe Kobe is a mortal, so you have to believe in the Suns here. It is also possible that Raja Bell and Kobe will get into fisticuffs.
Of course, I can’t stop at the 1st round. My crystal ball has been very distorted of late, but I’ve got to keep predicting.
1-Detroit over 5-Chicago – After a brutal 7-game series, the Bulls then get to take on the Pistons. Ben Wallace will be getting booed every time he touches the ball! Or… we may find out that his signing with Chicago was really just a farce and that really Ben Wallace was wearing a Pistons shirt underneath his Bulls jersey the whole time! Anyways, it was only 19 years ago, in 1988, when a young Bulls team took on an experienced Pistons team for the first time… and the Bulls lost in 5 games! I still don’t think Scott Skiles has figured out how to maximize his team yet, and even though the Pistons are coached by the basketball equivalent of Marty Schottenheimer, I think the Pistons will find a way to win this one.
2-Cleveland over 3-Toronto – As I’m writing this, I did a triple take at the scores from earlier in the night. The Raptors were resting all of their players, and they let Luke Jackson, former 1st round pick of the Cavs, start the game. Luke responded by hitting 30 points on 80% FG shooting! Luke may be ready to get revenge on the Cavs, but let’s be honest here – he really doesn’t play in normal game situations. Anyway, this should be a VERY entertaining series. The Cavs won’t have anyone to stop Bosh, and the Raptors certainly can’t stop Lebron. In the end, Lebron will find a way to win because the referees are on his side.
1-Dallas over 4-Houston – The Western Conference is going to have some sensational games! If any team can negate the Yao factor, it would be the Suns who are going to run the whole damn time. Plus, Steve Nash has the power of a thousand Canadians. And he knows physics so well, he can do soccer tricks. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FqQfYUrQ_Qg
3-San Antonio over 2-Phoenix – No one has been playing better in the 2nd half of the season than the San Antonio Spurs! The only person who could even stop Tim Duncan was that referee who ejected Duncan so that he could fight him. Now that that referee is banned from the playoffs, the path is clear for a slight upset!
2-Cleveland over 1-Detroit – This is a very tough series to call. The Cavs are the most inconsistent team in the NBA. No one is ever sure when they will give 100%, or when they will just stand around and drool over the fact that they play with Lebron on their team. I just have a suspicion that Detroit will be ailing by the time they get through Orlando and Chicago, and Detroit will not be capable of surviving without a fully healthy team.
1-Dallas over 3-San Antonio – such a tossup… very torn over what to do, but I feel like Dallas is playing with a mission this year after last year’s collapse in the Finals.
1-Dallas over 2-Cleveland – won’t even be close. But if the Cavs make it, it will be a great experience for Lebron and the coaching staff.
Publius: It had to be the Hulk.
The Colonel: When it comes crashing down and it hurts inside. Gotta be a man can't let it slide. I am a real American.
With the 2nd overall selection... Publius selects...
Stone Cold Steve Austin
With the Hulk a clear icon at #1, Stone Cold is exactly what I expect from a wrestler. A beer chugging, middle finger waging, foul mouthed mean SOB. Who can argue with the set on the guy who gives the entire McMahon family stunners? DAMN Austin 3:16 says "I just whooped your @ss!"
If you have any questions about this selection, shut your mouth. And that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so!
(Odd- Jesse Ventura is the ref in the background... this is called foreshadowing)
Mighty: you forgot to mention The Beer of Choice for Stone Cold..Steveweiser. Also his finishing move the Stone Cold Stunner.....
Laz: my pick is gonna be the lean, the mean, the obscene Ultimate Warrior.
There is no wrestler who was reverred more, confused by more, or more scary than him. First, he did hold both the WWF championship and the Intercontinental title when he beat hulk hogan. also, in his first title defense, he beat Mr. Perfect and was the only person ever to escape from the perfect plex. the dude had so many screws loose it was great. then, with the rumors of his
death and all the roid rumors. so much mystery, but so awesome. just think about all the times that the warrior was getting beaten and he all of a sudden started huffing and puffing and then turned the tables on the opponent, then he punched the guy to stun them, then started bouncing off the ropes like a pissed off bull and just kept knocking the guy down. I mean, that is the epitome of a true wrestling hero. Bobby the Brain Heenan once said on the Ultimate Warrior: "This guy makes coffee nervous." and then there is the classic warrior quote "I was sent in a capsule from a place far from here , and I came here for one reason. To attack and keep coming. Not to ask , but just to give. Not to want , but just to send. Send the power of the Warrior down everyone throat in the WWF till they get sick of it. And your gonna get sick , because this freak of nature is just beginning to swell. And when I get big enough , brother , they're ain't gonna room for anybody else but me and all the Warriors , floating through the veins , and the power of the Warrior!"
check it out:
With the 4th pick the Colonel chooses Roddy Piper.
I dunno what number pick this is because I can't count this high. What I do know is that MJ is picking Andre Roussimoff, otherwise known as Andre the Giant.
Andre was a man's man. He could pick up four chicks while wearing a speedo and still flash a toothy grin and show off his great afro. He was an absolute beast in the ring and was the consummate "immovable object." Besides the Hulkster, there might not have been a bigger wrestling celebrity in those early days. And, best of all, Andre unclogged the toilet after I dropped the biggest bomb ever. This last part might seem far-fetched but the Colonel can vouch for the accuracy of this story.
Publius: The 8th wonder of the world!! thought the giant may slip but no such luck. Great movie role (Princess Bride)- is that why you took him?? your love of princess birde??
MJ: I've never seen The Princess Bride. I simply admire a man who can pull of speedo underwear and a big 'fro and still get pussy.
The Colonel: I knew you would take him since you have personal experience with him after a dramatic episode involving the toilet in Damascus.
Publius: STORY!! Did Andre leave a floater?
MJ: Quite the contrary. I was the one who took the massive shit. He's
the one who had to go in there after me. And for the record, it was not a floater. It was 6 separate logs, all of which had the consistency of cement blocks
The Colonel: MJ and I went to a Syrian restaurant here in Denver and after having hommos and swarma, he needed to take a massive poop. Well there was only one facility in the restaurant so after he got back he had to tell the waiter that he had clogged it with all of his food from the previous two nights. The waiter could have been Andre the Giant's twin, about 7 feet tall and very large around. Andre gave him a look saying that it had to be plunged a few times and did not look too happy about it. Also there was a kid who was about 8 years old waiting outside the bathroom to use it, and i belive that the bathroom had to be cordoned off because of MJ.
Well I have returned and like the Rock I'm Just Bringing it. I have indeed gone with THE MOST ELECTRIFYING MAN IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT: Mighty Mike selects
The Rock AKA Dwayne Johnson
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Nobody droped promos like Rock. While he started as a heel the share charisma that radiated by the People's Champion quickly turned him into a face. What the People's Eyebrow and the People's Elbow couldn't finish the Brahma Bull would use the Rock Bottom to finish off. The Rock was involved with many great wrestling matches (including with Austin and Hulk Hogan see above). Later on the Rock would go on to star in Saturday Live as Nicotrel and an action super hero in various films. That said Can you smell what the Rock is cooking?
Publius: Not only can he "rock bottom " you, he can also help you quit smoking as Nicotrel.
Gutsy: Great picks - it was clear when we started that the 1st round would be stellar.
Round 2: Mighty Mike
I will begin with the other half of the Rock and Sock Connection: Mick Foley
Alternatively known throughout his career as Cactus Jack, Man Kind, Dude Love and Mick Foley Foley has wrestled against the best and really been the only person to have wrestled with The Rock (as the Tag Team known as the Rock and Sock Connection). He is known for two things: hilarious promos and crazy/insane/murderous falls. Probably the most famous fall in wrestling was when the Undertaker threw Foley off the top of a steel cage onto a table (see above video). But despite the hardcore matches that were his signature ( i.e.falls from the tops of the ring or onto tacks or with barbed wire bats or flaming bats) Foley became beloved for his quirky and funny promos. I mean his finishing move involved Mr.Socko (a sock that he would pull out of his pants, put on his hand, and then use as the Mandible Claw). Foley in real life is also an accomplished writer (his autobiographies remain the most popular and funniest wrestling books ever) and even has guest hosted on Air America (yes he's a Democrat). So despite the fact that its 9 AM here, I raise a toast to Mick Foley, the Hardcore Legend. And as he would say.....
Have a Nice Day!
With my next pick, MJ grabs another original star...Randy "Macho Man" Savage.
Macho Man has been a World Heavyweight Champ, an Interncontinental Champ, a member of the Mega Powers (with Hulk Hogan) and managed by two of the biggest badass ladies in wrestling history (Miss Elizabeth and Sensational Sherri Martel). He'd crush you with an elbow drop from the top rope and then stand over you with a sneer and an ""Ohhhhh yeahhhh!"
"Macho Madness is coming at ya!"
Plus, I actually had the pleasure of meeting Macho Man in person. It was actually really sad, because he could hardly speak. Maybe he was inebriated, or maybe he had taken too many 'roids. I even have proof of my meeting with him.
MJ: That's fantastic! I'm sad to hear that he has too much brain-fog to even speak but at least he still looks like he could crush anyone that dares step to his Machoness. Did you ask him for a Slim Jim?
Gutsy: I didn't ask him for a slim jim, I mean, he's a lot bigger than me. Here was the extent of the conversation:
MJ: I don't care how big he is, you have to ask him for a Slim Jim. At this point, he's no longer capable of spontaneous conversation so maybe hearing the words "Slim Jim" would've kick-started a chain-reaction in his brain that would've gotten him out of his punch-drunk state.
Random factoid about Macho Man: he was a catcher in the St. Louis Cardinals and Chicago White Sox minor league systems and was a teammate of Keith Hernandez in the minors in 1971.
With my next pick, The Colonel will choose someone that means alot to me, Hillbilly Jim.
From Mudlick, Kentucky, Hillbilly Jim was a loveable character that would come into the ring with the fiddle music of "Dont go messing with a Country Boy" playing and have a little ho down in the ring. However, when the bell rang, Hillbilly became an unstoppable force that would squeeze you to death with his bear hug. Also, one of the best matches of all time was in Wrestlemania III when Hillbilly went up against King Kong Bundy with two midgets on both sides. Who doesn't like friends of the little people.
Mighty: Hilly Billy Jim frankly is no Hacksaw Jim Duggan.
MJ: Hacksaw was a drunkard with phony Appalachian roots. Hillbilly Jim is
the real deal and has the sister/bride to prove it.
Mighty: He actually was born in Glenn Hills, New York and won the new york state wrestling championship. Hacksaw was a true American and a great New Yorker. How dare you besmirch his proud name.....
MJ: blech - glens falls is upstate and we new yorkers don't consider anything upstate as being part of the real new york.
Publius: I once met a guy from upstate who introduced himself as "I'm Mike and I'm from updtate NY and for you NYC people that does not mean Westchester"
Macho Man and Hill Billy Jim are both totally gay. Check out this link: really, how can a man wear overalls and nothing underneath? That is close to Deliverance Style man on man action and making him squeal like a pig. Enjoy.
MJ: come on, let's be serious for a moment here. randy savage is not gay for the simple reason that he endorsed slim jim and no gay man would ever endorse such a product. hillbilly jim might be gay, but only insofar as all of those appalachian types have a general proclivity towards sodomy and incest.
Publius: he only endorses slim jims because:
a) needs $ for his dildo habit
b) they are slim (see Simpsons Gay steel workers episode)
c) he takes roids.
MJ: damn that simpsons episode, that's an air-tight argument.
but i still maintain that he doesn't have a dildo habit. gutsy said the man could barely talk so how could have enough brain function to stick something in his poop-chute?
My next pick is Bret the Hitman Hart. First, it made me sad when I learned today that the Hitman will 50 years old in a couple months. Now, I wont hold it too much against him that he’s Canadian, but the sharpshooter move he does is the coolest. Now, the hitman had a great singles career, but he was also part of a great tag team, the Hart Foundation. His partner was his brother in law, jim the anvil neidhart. Also, his other brother in law is davey boy smith, the british bulldog. After reading up on his career, I remembered that the hitman left tag teaming after he lost to the nasty boys, remember those guys, they used to put their opponents’ noses in their armpits, it was like the bushwackers to the next power. Then the hitman went to a stellar singles career, most notably being in the first “ladder match” which is just awesome. He won the intercontinental twice and the championship. He beat yokozuna, which is not an easy task.
And in my research I just found out that he had a stroke in 2002 after a bicycle accident. So, he can beat a 500 pound sumo wrestler, but schwinns are his downfall, weird.Publius selects: THE UNDERTAKER
In the spirit of bad @ss wrestlers (Like Stone Cold), the undertaker will give you the tombstone piledriver and you will love it. He would scare Hades himself, piledrive Charon, and f#ck Nyx.
The Undertaker's winning streak at Wrestlemania (15-0) is unparalleled in World Wrestling Federation/Entertainment history, standing currently at fifteen victories, no losses, and no draws (15-0-0). He has defeated fifteen different opponents.
Monday, April 16, 2007
I'm trying to remember the last time an NFL draft was so unsettled this close to the draft date. Less than 12 days remain till the NFL Draft (formerly known as the Minnesota Viking Comedy Hour) commences. However each of the first three teams have given mixed signals as to heir intentions. Oakland, the living embodiment of the zeitgeist of the Hindberg, is now signalling they may draft Calvin Johnson (Jamarcus Russel being the over possibility). Detroit led by Matt Millen (who I believe lost a battle of wits with a lobster) is considering Brady Quinn, Joe Thomas (left tackle) , a defensive player, or a trade day. While the Browns are sending out signals that they might draft any of the previously mentioned players (Quinn, Russell, Thomas), trade down or take Injured McCrippled (Adrian Peterson). This leads to a ton of possible outcomes leaving Gutsy in real danger of missing every single one of his mock draft picks.
Meanwhile in the NBA land the East has no end of competitors for the title of 'Getting Swept By (Insert Western Conference Champion Here)". While the Washington Generals injured list has taken them out of competition any of the top 5 teams really could advance to the Finals or be knocked off in the first round. Out West I think the burning question is Can Dallas be stopped? They've amassed one of the best records of all time, a full 5 games ahead of Phoenix. Of course Phoenix has been without Nash and seems to be peaking at the right time. The only other team that could drive Cuban into a tantrum are the Spurs. While they lost last night Duncan is showing fire and should not be underestimated.
There really is no known device that will be able to measure the righteous anger of the scheduling debacle that baseball is currently going through. I frankly have no idea but the idea that my Tribe should play 7 games or something out in Seattle because of snow seems somewhere between silly and ridiculous. Here in Euroland its the semi-finals of Championship League with 3 of the 4 contenders being English (the only other team is AC Milan). I'm fairly indifferent about it all except to say "I love you beer"
Friday, April 13, 2007
The Second BSD Mock Draft will begin Monday morning.
§ The Category? Professional Wrestlers
§ The Order? Gutsy, Publius, Laz, The Colonel, MJ, and Mighty.
§ The Clock? 3-4 hour window. Gutsy begins 10am, has to 2, etc. This is designed to keep things moving but not designed to be excessive. If you have a time conflict, just email your pick (it takes 5 seconds) and write the funny paragraph later
§ Comments thread—for smack talking
§ Draft Thread—for drafts. See title.
§ When in doubt, ask Commissioner of Draft (Publius). Do you understand?
Before moving onto the important task of cheering and jeering, federal law dictates disclosure of side effects. Cheers and Jeers (CJ) is not for everyone. Tell your doctor about your medical conditions and all medications, and ask if you're healthy enough for sexual activity. Don't take CJ if you take nitrates, often prescribed for chest pain, as this may cause a sudden, unsafe drop in blood pressure. Don't drink alcohol in excess (to a level of intoxication) with CJ, as this may increase your chances of getting dizzy or lowering your blood pressure. CJ does not protect against sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV. The most common side effects with CJ were headache and upset stomach.
Cheers: The NBA playoffs loom… In the East, the Pistons look good. The Wizards are done for the season, the Heat’s playoff future rests on Wade’s health, and the Cavs are looking to make the jump into the elite of the east. Let’s not forget about a talented
In the West, the usual suspects (Suns, Mavs, and Spurs) are the top dogs.
Cheers and Jeers: PacMan Jones and the NFL get double cheers and jeers. First, PacMan is a thug with anger problems. Sporting News did a decently balanced piece on his past and future. I hope he cleans up and can earn a living in the NFL.
To the NFL, I hope the league does not go the way of the NBA (See picture of David Stern above). Punishment is part of the solution. The best arguments for college sports, a) a few years to grow before the big bucks, b) strong coaching personalities who can teach team skills and life skills, c) structure. Jeers: to the NFL for punishment first to defend reputation and sponsors. Possible cheers if the league takes a hard look at trying to work with the young men who have off the field issues. We need to find the balance between baseball (Steve Howe’s 9 chances) and the immediate suspension policy.
Jeers: To snow in April, pitchers on the DL, and writers who claim April MLB wins mean anything. Who wants the nickname of Mr. April over Mr. October?
A special jeers:
Top links from the week:
Please accept a girl who got robbed in the Final Four. She deserved a title shot against the Amber.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
The Draft order (reverse of the last time): Gutsy, Publius, Laz, The Colonel, MJ, and Mighty.
Cheers to the Colonel for the idea.
Mock Drafts are supposed to be fun. The balance between the group waiting on individual selections and the individual's schedule is difficult but Gutsy's suggestion about 3-4 hour window draft time slots works for the draft Commissioner. If work places demands on a drafter, email your selection quickly and write the funny paragraph/post picture later in the day. The Commissioner collects draft picks and posts approximately 24 hours after the round concludes.
Let's get ready to rumble!!!
“We might look back at Jon Papelbon’s save on Sunday as one of the Red Sox’s seminal moments.”
Are the Red Sox fans who run ESPN predicting that Boston will finish at .500 again? Because if you consider winning a game on April 8th as that important, they you certainly aren’t confident about your team’s chances. For being the ultimate hometown douchebag, Peter Gammons sure doesn’t seem convinced that his Red Sox will be very good in 2007. Hey, no argument there; I think they’re overrated too. Let ‘em go ahead and blow their wads trying to win every meaningless April game.
I’ll be happy read crap like this in April if it means that, come August, Gammons is waving the white flag and getting off the hometown soapbox to pick up his other pet projects in Oakland and Minnesota. Anything to get a laugh, right Petey? You fucking clown.
Monday, April 09, 2007
Here are the qualifications to be a Harris Poll voter:
“Panelists have been randomly selected from among more than 300 nominations submitted by the conference offices and the independent institutions. The panel has been designed to be a statistically valid representation of all 11 Division I-A conferences and institutions participating in the Bowl Championship Series.”
So basically, we've shockingly learned that it’s not what you know, its who you know. Luckily, they supposedly take nominations from all the conferences, so there’s still hope that I could one day be a Harris Poll voter. I realize most of the readers on the blog did not go to a Division I football school, but don’t give up hope, because Tom Hammond gets to vote and I think he’s just a broadcaster on NBC.
Amazingly, even better than how the Harris Poll voters are selected, they actually provide a list of each of the voters. I'd recommend checking out the list to see some of the names you might recognize.
One thing jumps out on this list to me– the lack of women. How are the females so underrepresented? I only could find two out of the hundreds listed that I think are women (unless they are men w/ female names), and neither of them are Kathy Ireland, who played a kicker in the movie “Necessary Roughness.” Another thing jumps out, which is the amount of white Running Backs. “Touchdown” Tommy Vardell AND Brad Muster are on the list! I’m sure there are other white RBs, but those are the names that jump out to me on the list. I sincerely think that Craig James and Johnny Johnson, the only other white RBs I can think of off the top of my head, should be selected to serve as voters for the 2007 Harris Poll voters.
Also, I have no idea why Boomer Esiason is helping to decide the college championship game each season.