Predictions, predictions, predictions. It is that time of year where every tv personality magically transforms into Nostradamus and begins to make crazy prognostications that even that guy asking for donations on the subway would laugh at. However I'm contractually obligated to do the same thing and my editor (The Sandwich) demands that I take a shot myself at figuring things out for the college football season. Hey by the fact that I can read I'm already doing better than Mark May who relies on auguring pigeon livers to make his predictions….
Mighty Mike declaring victory over ESPN
National Championship Game: USC v. Texas. USC avenging its loss by defeating Texas 74 to 14 in a Ditkaesque beating. Texas of course won't be deserving but they're too highly ranked for the Big 10 to catch them and the SEC and Big East members will beat each other up. Mack Brown and George Bush Jr will both blame taxing raising atheists for the loss
Heisman Trophy: John David Jimmy Jo-Jo Booty. Only once this century has a non-QB won the Heisman. It's pretty much a right of passage that the best quarterback of a championship bound squad is winning it... so step right up Mr. Booty
First Coach to Get Fired –Sylvester Croom Miss St. coach. Oddly enough one of the few black coaches in the entire NCAA is located in the SEC. The pressure to win is too high and his firing will rightly set off a lot of soul searching about minority opportunities in college football.
# 1 Pick – Right now its Brian Brohm however one more injury and I see him falling down a few pegs (not to mention that QBs with the hype tend to fall in the draft). Watch for Dorsey defensive tackle out of LSU to shoot up and possibly take that spot.
Biggest Surprise – Irvin aka Ira Meier will retire as the Gators head coach and open a New York style Deli in Bocca Florida when remembers his promise that he made to his dad many years ago. A promise that involved lean corn beef and a dill pickle.
Biggest Surprise Part II – Major Applewhite, yes the one that always showed up Chris Simms, is the new offensive coordinator for Alabama. He will actually do a good job. Nick Saban will immediately have him executed for taking away his limelight
Best Mascot – Is and will always be the Hilltopper or whatever the Western Kentucky mascot is…..
Oh yeah, he gets all the ladies....
Cheers: Start of College Football Season. It will be MJs only refuge from his heartbreak over Senator Craig's arrest. I know a closet gay in the Republican Party. Shocking…
Jeers: To setbacks. LeCharles Bentley and Gary Baxter, both on the path of amazing comebacks, will not be playing in the opener. Bentley was placed on the PUP list and hopefully will play later this year while Baxter is about to be placed on season ending injured reserve list
Cheers: That ticking sound is the sound of inevitability also known as the countdown till Ozzie Guillen is fired. May you never ever grace sports page, tv, or sunlight again.
Goodbye Mr. Guillen
Jeers: To rankings. Why oh why are there published lists of the best 500 players? Why do people read them?
Here's my list of top reporters most likely to represent scared upper class white people: 1. King, Peter.
And now our C&J girl of the week.....Lucy Pinder. Who I believe thinks Cheers and Jeers has been very very bad...
Update: Publius has requested that Lucy Pinder and her friend Michelle Marsh throw a party and can he be invited. The correct answer is yes....