Sunday, September 30, 2007

MMBSD: Revenge

Contrary to popular belief revenge is not a dish best served cold. Its a dish that should be served hot and possibly sticky. Revenge shouldn't be dished out in small portions but it should gush out into someone's eye. There was a lot revenge this week in sports and it wasn't meek. It was pretty much in your face.

Lewis v. Cobra Commander: Jamal Lewis was basically downsized by Cobra Commander this offseason. After giving his body to the Dirty Birds for his entire career (except that time he spent in jail) Lewis was dumped. Well Jamal was fired up and cut the heart out of the Ravens like Ray Lewis on a night on the town. Browns downed the Ravens Droppings and Jamal Lewis enjoyed every minute.

Culpepper v. The City of Miami: Daunte Culpepper I think blew out every tendon, ligament, muscle and anything else that holds the knee together. When he wasn't immediately 100% Nick Saban belittled/benched Culpepper before forcing him into a fate worse than death (listening to Lou Holtz analyze football). Well this week Culpepper was back and smashed Miami for five touchdowns like Charlie Weis at a Chinese buffet. Following a touchdown a Culpepper with vengeance in his heart, tapped his surgically repaired right knee and signaled ''OK'' to the crowd."

Jesus v. The World: I feel like Jesus has been pretty quiet in the sports world lately. Maybe I haven't paid attention. Maybe all his efforts are focused on appearing in tortillas in Mexico. In any event he's back and on a mission of vengeance. People doubted that Jesus wanted Jon Kitna cured so he could lead the Lions to a 10 win season. Well a 34 point fourth quarter outburst against one of the pre-season Super Bowl favorites should disprove evolution Jesus wanting Detroit to go the playoffs (also Jesus caused 40 million injuries to the Bears D). Meanwhile over in Cardinals land Jesus was powering Ken Wisenhunt's revenge on the Steelers (Wisenhunt was passed over for the Steeler headcoaching job). Jesus is still powering old Kurt Warner to put up a touchdown and powering Steve Breaston to run very very fast.

Herm Edwards v. The World: I'm pretty sure Herm Edwards wants vengeance on everything and anything. There's just a perpetual itch on his metaphorical ass that can't be scratched for Coach CooCoo Bananas. His rage has fueled him to inexplicable coaching positions and this week a beatdown of human doormat, Norv Turner. Norv, who each week seems to remind me more and more of Gil from the Simpsons was no match for old Blood & Guts Edwards. Somewhere Marty Schottheimer is chuckling......

The Little Guy v. College Big Wigs: There was only 1 game this week in college football that was between 2 top 25 ranked teams. Easy time for the Big Boys, right? Wrong. Nemesis, Roman Overlord of righteous infliction of vengeance struck again and again. Oklahoma and Texas got their heads handed to them. West Virginia was stomped by South Florida. Rutgers was eye gouged by Maryland. And sweetest of all, Irvin Meier's Florida Gators were made backseat of a Volvo uncomfortable by Auburn. Tim Tebow who the media has been slobbering over like he was the second coming of Jesus Favre was handled. Maybe no 2 Heisman's for Tebow. In the grand scheme of things this season has always been about USC v. LSU and until one of those loses nothing much has changed.

Baseball Thoughts From Under the Curly Hair: I love the one game playoff for the playoffs for baseball. There's something wonderful about the pressure packed win or game home after an entire baseball season. I don't hate the Mets or anything so outside of a curiosity this isn't being cruel but their collapse has to rank up there with all time collapses. I'm sure our baseball mavens can tell us where it ranks but its got to be high. This week starts baseball playoff fever so let the irrational exuberance run wild.

A Mighty Correction: In my last post I erroneously reported that MJ was quoted as saying "The breakup of Belgium, while not inevitable, is the result of the disintegration of the national party system and shifting peripheral nationalism." The actual quote was "MJ smash puny Eurotrash country!"

Week 4 the Young and Restless

In the spirit of Dr Gutsy's week 4 post, here are a few NFL results explained in Soap Oprah
format and plot lines including: wife trading, unexplained brain injuries, anger, jealousy, pregnancy and identity issues.

Matt Leinart/Jesus powered Arizona Cardinals defeat the Steelers.

  • Cardinals coaching staff inform Warner that: if the Cardinals win, he gets Sunday night with one of Leinart's lovely AZ co-eds (but she cannot enjoy it).
  • Leinart is informed that if the Cardinals lose, he must spend the night with Mrs. Warner.
KC defeats SD
  • Herm Edwards is mad because he was born and takes it out on Norv Turner.
Bears attempt 51 passing plays
  • Bears coaching staff suffer a seriously nerve condition creating mistaken identity. Bears think they are a passing team. This condition may be fatal.
Lions are 3-1 and Browns are 2-2. HUH???? Are these cases of jealousy or mistaken identity? Lions post last years total offense in 2nd half and Browns score 24 in one half vs. Cobra.. Soap Oprah's explain this by creating a new wealthy brain surgeon ( Dr. Anderson and Dr. Martz).

NYG post 11 sacks and counting vs. Eagles on SNF
  • Will the real NYG's D please stand up?? They blanked the Skins in the 2nd half and pitch a shut out vs. the Eagles for almost 3 quarters.
  • Eagles in week 3 throw back uniforms (UGLY) scored 42 points in the first half but tonight? 3
MNF football preview
  • Cincy defensive starters will be pregnant (Brady is the father) by halftime.
  • brady takes out a loan for child support

Friday, September 28, 2007

Colonel Sanders' Finger Lickin' Picks Week 4

Alright first off I want to say something none football. The Rockies have surprised everyone out here. I knew that they were going to be a good team and a couple of years down the line thought they would be a playoff contender, but I am in shock as to their recent stomping of the rest of the NL West. The combined team HHH of Helton, Holliday and Hawpe (yes a WWE reference) has just killed the competition. Ok, just want to revel in Colorado sports doing well. Now onto my picks:

BAL (-4) at CLE: BAL. This is going to be a close game as most of the other games have been. Lots of rivalry keys in this one. The convict plays his old team, Art Modell tries to run naked through the streets of Cleveland and the Dawg Pound tries knock blackbirds out of the sky.

CHI (-3) at DET: DET. Ok I remember Brian Griese playing at UM, I remember when Brian Griese played here and tripped over his dog while drinking too much. This is not someone to lead a team, unless it is a Beer Pong tournament team.

GB (-2) at MIN: GB. Never will I take a team that has a QB with a girl name.

HOU (-3) at ATL: HOU. Matt Schwab will show Atlanta that they were stupid to drop him. I wonder if he knew that Mike Vick would become a pot head dog killer.

NYJ (-3.5) at BUF: NYJ. Wow there are alot of -3 away teams this week. That means that Vegas doesn't know anything of what is going to happen, which means fun times for all of you willing to bet Mighty's money.

OAK (+4) at MIA: OAK. Ok I say that Culpepper will come in and throw to Randy Moss and win a few games. Speaking of which, I wonder if Oakland is kicking themselves for not keeping Moss, a Culpepper-Moss reunion might have been a good thing.

STL (+12) at DAL: DAL. Normally I wouldn't think that Dallas would cover the spread but the Italian lover of steak Tony Romo is looking like Drew Brees of last year.

SEA (-2) at SF:SEA. Normally I would go with the home team against the unfavored team but this week seems kinda funny.

TB (+3) at CAR: TB. See Gutsy's comment about the last place team winning the NFC South.

DEN (+9.5) at IND: DEN. Something tells me that the Denver D won't give up more than a TD victory. At least I hope not.

KC (+11.5) at SD: SD. Will SD show up this game against a very suspect Chiefs D. I sure hope so or that fantasy football owners will picket outside LDT's house.

PIT (-6) at ARI: ARI. Jesus lives!!! And with the Son of God on your side, who can't win in the desert. And it really shows that they ESPN writers were smoking out of MJ's bong named Jesus by saying that Leinert would be good.

PHI (-2.5) at NYG: PHI. What happened to the Eagles, suddenly they found wings. And FTB.

NE (-8) at CIN: CIN. Who Dey!!! Who Dey tink going to beat New England and Bill Simmons, not the Bungals but they will cover. Randy Moss will get hooked up with the pot dealer of all eight of the felons and be found naked swimming in the Ohio River two hours before the game. He will have to be dragged out covered in syringes, fecal matter and muck.

And my guess for the NL playoff teams. SD, COL (WC), PHI, and CHC.

Last Week: 4-8-4 (A palandrome)
Total: 17-25-6

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Cheers and Jeers: Chicago Fizz Edition

Business Hours are closed folks. In fact, the Sexy Business is out of business. Yes, Sexy Rexy aka The Sex Cannon aka The Hitman's 3rd Ulcer aka Rex Grossman has been benched. Let us all take a moment of silence for this passing. It is not Rex that I come to bury but his idea. Once upon a time quarterbacks played the way voters want the USA governed..... balls up. Quarterbacks didn't need to study film or memorize facts, kind of like politicians don't need to read bills or waste time with nuance like difference between Iraq, Saudi Arabia or Iran...nah voters/fans want a leader that would man up and do what needed to be done, regardless of how badly that would fuck things up. You needed that 40 yard bomb whether you knew it or not. Oh yeah The Gunslinger would fire it away. You made a mistake? Shit you didn't admit it. You ran the same play , but deeper and harder. Remember change is the one step process to being a failure. And so Grossman, last of the gunslingers, who lived on the edge, has fallen into the abyss (which incidentally is right next to Kyle Orton). No word yet on if Grossman will be hired to handle US Foreign policy....

Cheers: To games of the week: Any game involving an NL Wild Card team. Oregon v. California (if your looking for offense this is the game) and West Virginia v. Southern Florida. Also take a look at Pats v. Cinci (is the Pats defense for real), Seattle v. San Fran (will anyone challenge Seattle this year in the west)

Cheers: To playoff baseball. Its basically October. I can't figure out a front runner in either league. Lets get it on. The only hang up The NL Wild Card might need 30 days in a series of round-robin matches to determine the winner. Where the hell did Colorado come from anyway?

Jeers: To University of Texas. I always knew that they hated America and now I have visual evidence that at least their fans do.

Jeers: To US soccer losses. Brazil smoked the US women's national team 4-0 in yet another sign of the world's entrance into a multi-polar world. Good thing I'm Australian or I'd be embarrassed.

If that presidential race thingee doesn't work out I propose Obama for US women's soccer coach

Facts that depress Publius: Its looking more and more possible that Belgium as a country will cease to be. This could very well end Belgium beer as we know it.

Your Youtube clip of the week: Quagmire (Seth MacFarlane) delivering Harvard's graduation speech

And Finally your C&J gal of the week....Elisha Cuthburt

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Week 4 – Diagnosing the NFL's Health Issues

As we enter week 4 of the NFL season, we can make an early diagnosis of some of the teams’ health issues.

Manwich Mini-Burger Matchup of the Week –
Denver @ Indy- Note – this is a “Mini-Burger” matchup because there really aren’t any games deserving of a full-serving of Manwich this week. Not sure why Denver hasn’t really looked great in their victories or their losses. Maybe they need a reason to get excited? Now that they have Champ Bailey as one CB, and Dre Bly as the other CB, they probably think they can handle the Colts. Something tells me Indy won’t have a problem with Denver though. Denver diagnosis: Bloated ego. Prescription: Thorough beat-down courtesy of the Colts to re-focus themselves.
Pick: Indy

Upset of the Week –
Oakland @ Miami – Daunte has had the game circled on his calendar since the day he got picked up by the Raiders. The stars have aligned to allow Daunte Culpepper to start against the team that believed Culpepper could return in 9 months from tearing 3 knee ligaments, but that then wouldn’t believe he’d be healthy by the 21st month.
Oakland diagnosis: REVENGE. Prescription: MJ Rage Flakes (this may exacerbate the Revenge, which I think can be a good thing).
Pick: Oakland

Houston @ Atlanta – The Falcons appear to have an identity crisis, while their 2006 starter (Vick) is under house arrest and is preparing to go to prison, and their 2006 backup (Matt Schaub) is lighting it up in the AFC and now is set to embarrass the Falcons.
Atlanta diagnosis: Identity Crisis. Prescription: Shock therapy.
Pick: Houston

Baltimore @ Cleveland – I was watching an old Cosby show episode where Cliff Huxtable had an insane dream where men become pregnant. Cliff ended up giving birth to a gigantic hoagie sandwich and a two-liter bottle of orange soda. Almost 20 years later, I realized that Cliff’s messed up dream has become a reality. Crennel is moody, indecisive (flipping coins to choose his QB before the season begins), retaining water, and his man-breasts are getting larger every week.
Cleveland diagnosis: Coach Romeo Crennel is pregnant with TWIN party-sized submarine sandwiches.
Pick: Baltimore

Chicago @ Detroit – Griese finally gets a start for the Bears. This works out well too because something tells me that playing the Lions D is a lot easier than had Griese played the Cowboys last week.
Bears diagnosis: Broken head. Prescription: Head transplant
Pick: Chicago

NY Jets @ Buffalo – Buffalo is forced to start a rookie QB.
Buffalo diagnosis: Inexperienced and injured. Prescription: Wait ‘til next year.
Pick: NY Jets

Green Bay @ Minnesota – It appears as if Brett Favre is young again, and Kelly Holcomb is still Kelly Holcomb.
Pick: Green Bay

St. Louis @ Dallas – I think I heard that the Rams are going to be missing 3 offensive linemen this week… AND they are missing Steven Jackson!
Rams diagnosis: Injury Bug. Prescription: Quarantine and lots of Vitamin C.
Pick: Dallas

Pittsburgh @ Arizona –
Arizona diagnosis: Unclear who the leader is. Prescription: More Kurt Warner, b/c he’s a believer in religion, and he’s going to convert everyone in Arizona… into believers that he still has something left!
Pick: Pittsburgh

Tampa @ CAR – Well, sometimes destiny can be beautiful. Especially when the destiny says that the last 4 years, the NFC South last-place team has become the division champion the following season.
Tampa diagnosis: Sleep deprivation. Prescription: More Coach Gruden! The less he sleeps, the better they do!
Pick: Tampa

Seattle @ San Fran – I hope this is just a speed bump in the 49ers ride to the playoffs.
49ers diagnosis: Offensive impotency. Prescription: Viagra
Pick: Seattle

KC @ San Diego – I can only hope that Norv Turner has things back on track now. If the Chargers can’t stop the Chiefs they mine as well forget about the playoffs.
SD Diagnosis: Panic attacks. Prescription: Merriman commercials where he runs through every blocker to make 8 tackles in the longest 15 seconds ever invented.
Pick: San Diego

Philly @ NY Giants – I can’t believe the way the Eagles won last week or that the Giants even won a game last week. Not sure what to make of this game.
Philly diagnosis: unclear
Pick: Philly

New England @ Cincy – I can’t honestly make this a Manwich matchup. The Bengals are leaving at least Moss, Welker, or even D. Stallworth open on every play. The Bengals defenders can’t even focus their coverage on more than 1 receiver. It’s like they’ve got tunnel vision.
Bengals diagnosis: Stigmatism. Prescription: Glasses like Drew Carey for every player.
Pick: New England

Last Week: 9-7
Season: 29-19
Manwich: 3-0 (The Cowboys showed Rex Grossman who’s the boss of the NFC at the moment)Upset of the Week: 1-2 (I’m never saying an “upset of the pick” is easy. I’d like to thank Kelly Holcomb for not winning the game).

The World vs Cleveland.......again

Considering this is the first year in recent history that the Indians have had a viable Cy Young threat (actually we have two, which is just baffling), I began wondering what was the last time that an Indians player won either an MVP or a Cy Young. The answer is Gaylord Perry in 1972. Seems like a long time for a time to go without either a Cy Young or an MVP? Yes, in fact, in the last FIFTY years, Perry is the only indian to win either a Cy Young or an MVP.
In fact, the only other two teams worse off than the indians are the Devil Rays, who weren't created until 1998 and the Marlins who have been around since 1993. Also, there are two other teams who have only 1 award winner as well, they are: Colorado, who have been viable since 1993 as well, and Montreal/Washington who has existed since 1969.
This is just sad. Remember that teams like Arizona, Kansas City, Texas, Seattle and Milwaukee, who all have relatively short lives as franchises, have many more award winners than the Tribe.
I'm gonna play the "everyone is against us and the baseball writers hate cleveland more than Art Modell does", but if anyone has a better answer, i'd like to hear it. And don't just say "they suck", that's not helping anything.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Jack Bauer caught

Well, apparently 6 years and hundreds of terrorists couldn't stop jack bauer, but the LAPD and a few heineken's are the proper formula to subdue Fox's greatest crime fighter.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

MMBSD: Let's Get It On

Hey has anyone else noticed that defenses are getting dropped like pants at an AEPhi party? Philly had a 50 point outburst and seems like half dozen other games with scores in the 30s. The NFL's no looking at the receives and nothing stronger than harsh language to tackle with has reduced the potency of defenses to 70 year old male with prostate problems. Anyway a few thoughts on who's up and who's down after week 3 in Pros, week 4 in college and week oh lord I've lost count in the reign of King George I.

1. If there were any doubts if Pittsburgh is back to the elite of the NFL, this week's burying of the 49ers should at least temporarily solve those questions. Umm yes. Roethlisberger seems to have all his internal organs working. Parker is bowling over people like OJ on a Vegas vacation and the attack defense can't be run on. Questions on San Fran though are rising. Is Small Hands Smith a real pro QB. Pittsburgh makes a lot of teams look silly but Smith's mechanics were awful and I was confused at times if Smith was throwing the long ball or Matthew Broderick.

2. Any doubts that San Diego is in trouble has now been answer. YES! Was Norv Turner the right choice as coach? No. Jumping the gun a little bit, you ask? My retort is that I had sexual relations with your spouse or significant other. I could also say that Turner was brought in to produce Super Bowl Champions. Anyone want to take a bet that San Diego will win the Super Bowl now? I wouldn't even wager Colonel's money on that one.

Scientists are still deciding who would be a better coach: Norv Turner or a vomiting freshman coed

3. Congrats to the Cleveland Indians for their first division pennant since 2001. Certainly a vintage feel with this team as the long ball and Kenny Lofton have produced a winner. Playoff baseball seems unusually difficult to predict. Almost hockeyesque in recent years its a question of a hot hand at the bat and the mound that brings home the winner. The Tribe seem as solid as any other team out there although given Ohio's painful sports year (3 championship game losses) perhaps the Tribe are just getting me ready for one last cruel cut that will drive me to self-mutilation via Taco Bell Cheesy Melts.
Yup, we've got uniforms and everything, it's really great!

4. With Penn State and Wisconsin's struggles this year its fair to question how bad the Big 10 is. Bea Arthur ugly is the answer. I've long defended the division but given how well Oklahoma is playing, it may be fair say that the Big 10 has fallen below the Big 12 in terms of poor play. (note The ACC is not considered a football conference as they have yet to win a game against the 12 year old punt, pass, kick competition winners).

Not even consuming brains will bring the Big 10 to respectability this year

Friday, September 21, 2007

nfl sunday ticket

Teams Playing at 1 PM (ET) Ch.
Arizona Cardinals at Baltimore Ravens 704
Minnesota Vikings at Kansas City Chiefs 705
Detroit Lions at Philadelphia Eagles 706
San Francisco 49ers at Pittsburgh Steelers 707
St. Louis Rams at Tampa Bay Buccaneers 708
San Diego Chargers at Green Bay Packers 709
Indianapolis Colts at Houston Texans 710
Miami Dolphins at New York Jets 711
Buffalo Bills at New England Patriots 712
Teams Playing at 4 PM (ET) Ch.
Cleveland Browns at Oakland Raiders 715
Cincinnati Bengals at Seattle Seahawks 713
Jacksonville Jaguars at Denver Broncos 714
New York Giants at Washington Redskins 716
Carolina Panthers at Atlanta Falcons 717

Wow- how time flies and how quickly summer ends. Happy new year and I hope all BSD are inscribed in the book of life.

Due to a new job, I have not posted. I know the BSD missed my cheers and cheers.

Time for my random thoughts...

Cheers to the yanks... amazing ball since the all star break.

Jeers to the Giants for classic cut and run. Bonds may come with issues but the business of mlb reigns supreme.

Cheers to the NFL Sunday ticket and avoiding Ravens regional coverage. All BSD invited to the ticket.

Jeers to Mighty who left DC and still gets Skins due to regional coverage.