Monday, December 31, 2007

The End of An Era!

After a long 9-season stand-off, Cobra Commander (Brian Billick) has been fired!

2007 really has been an amazing year! Now the only questions are:

1) where does Cobra go now?, and

2) who will replace him and get the nickname, "Serpentor?"

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Mighty's Big Bag of Bowl Predictions

It's that time of year where I MahaMighty, seer of seers, prognosticator of prognosticators, seller of 2 for 1 Gyno exams put to the web my predictions for bowl games, what food should go with it and in what state should the watcher. Beat that ACCUSCORE. You soulless betting machine. Betting is about feel, luck, chance and auguring the signs. No machine can do that. Except maybe Caculutron 2000. I can't beat that.

Dec 27th - Arizona State v. Texas - The Heimlich Holiday Bowl
Hey who knows what you'll find in this bowl. Both teams choked away potential BCS bids by getting blown out or losing the Tijuana Banditos (semi-pro Mexican football team). Legend has it Dennis Erikson consumes an entire bottle of whiskey (including the glass bottle) before every bowl game. This is a curiosity bowl for the what ifs so the preffered snack should be something light....I recommend organic cheetos (organic and cheetos together at last? I have to see the outcome of this odd union)

Pick: Arizona State

Dec 29th - Penn State v. Texas A&M - The Mysteriously Located Alamo Bowl
Little known fact the Alamo Bowl is actually played in Beijing. As part of a default loan agreement Texas decided to sell the entire Alamo complex to China. JoePa under agreement with the UN is no longer allowed to travel to East Asia and will become the first college coach to yell at refs via the internet. I recommend cold leftover Lo Mein noodles in honor of our soon to be Chinese overlords.

Pick: PSU
Dec 31st - Kentucky v. FSU - The Schadenfreude Music City Bowl
For those that haven't followed the academic exploits of brain trust that is the Florida State football team a number of players were given exam answers ahead of time to an online music class. This , in the North at least, is considered cheating. So FSU has suspended 24 odd players for this violation and declared Bobby Bowden legally brain dead. Add in injuries, academic ineligibility and parole violations and FSU won't send 36 players to the game. That's like an entire football team. The slaughter will taste beautiful. I recommend rack of lamb for this game. In fact two. One to enjoy and the other to help paint your doorway to protect you from coming alien onslaught.

Pick: Kentucky and Alien Onslaught

Jan 1 Florida v. Michigan - Lloyd's Last Stand
Yes old man Carr last bowl game, last chance for a positive memory, last chance to run the old Bo power I, the last time good, clean, in your face Big 10 football will played against Southerners. Irv Meier of Gators fame has never lost a bowl game and Tim Tebow will probably be healthy for this one. The better have the biggest line left (10.5 in favor of Florida) so its a big challenge for West Fucking Virginia North. I recommend going with the food poisoning method but I'm fairly immoral. I recommend pizza - you'll need the carbs for the rest of the games. M*ch*g$n fan's should consider a Bottle of 151 for celebration or sorrows

Pick: Florida and Publius turns the game off in the 3rd

USC v. Illinois - Tradition v. Spread Option
Hey maybe the spread option can be stopped. If anyone can its USC. USC, despite the pressing conventional wisdom that nothing is better than the spread-option runs a traditional well pro-style offense. Also Pete Carroll still laces them up and plays on special teams during Rose Bowl game which gives them a slight advantage. Unless Illinois recruits clowns to stand on the sideline. Pete Carroll is scared of only two things: Nuclear War and Clowns. Food of Choice I'm going with spicy buffalo wings. Its important that your colleagues at work know that you partied hard not only on New Year's Eve but Year's Day. A powerful scent is a way to achieve this.

Pick: USC Wins but Ron Zook wins respect points by a closer than expected game. Also I suffer from stomach pains.

Honestly with RiRod leaving West Fucking Virginia and Georgia's probable slaughter of Hawaii its clean sledding until the BCS Title Game (Jan 7th) and I'll wait on prognosticating that game.

This (short of a Browns playoff berth) will be my last post till next year. I want to wish all of you safe travels (MJ to Greece, Hitman to what his suppliers call ATL, Publius to the bottom of a nice bottle of Vodka, and Gutsy and Laz to the New Year's Eve Ultimate Fighting Challenge ) **

Happy New Year!

** Note Colonel's location is a state secret this time of year

Collectivism & The NFL: Kiss My Ass

The theory of collectivism has many important lessons for the establishment of, and peaceful existence of, civil society. The idea that many groups join forces for the greater good is an ideal and that ideal can be seen in many facets of our daily lives.

In sports, however, I want collectivism as far away from me as possible. I find the timing of these two bits of information suspicious. It seems awfully odd to me that the Giants, who were leaning towards resting their starters, would do an about-face on the same day that the NFL announces that it will permit network television to simulcast the Giants-Patriots game on national television.

At this point, everyone knows that the NFL Network has been waging (and losing) a fierce battle against cable operators who refuse to add the NFL’s channel to basic cable packages. And it just so happens that the NFL Network has only had one compelling matchup all season, when it broadcast the Packers-Cowboys game late last month. Besides that game, fan demand for the NFL Network has been incredibly low – because the matchups have been so unappealing – and thus no grassroots pressure has been applied to the cable operators to budge from their position.

The Giants represent a small blip on the Patriots march to history. The Giants have nothing to play for, having claimed a playoff berth and a first round matchup against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The Patriots are playing only for the chance to set some team and personal milestones, having locked up the #1 seed several weeks ago.

Why should the Giants risk their health and play their starters against New England? The Giants have nothing to gain and everything to lose. Beating the Patriots won’t improve their playoff standing. Preventing the Patriots from finishing an unbeaten regular season won’t receive more than a historical footnote.

How dare the NFL dictate to its teams how to best prepare for the playoffs? As it is, a Giants-Bucs playoff game will be among the most boring playoff games in NFL history. Imagine if the Giants have to play it without some of their star players? As usual, the monolithic beast that is NFL management takes no note of what is in fans’ best interest (in this case, Giants fans) and decides to co-opt fair play to earn another buck. Fuck you, NFL. If a single member of the Giants gets hurt (or if Belichick runs up the score, as he’s wont to do), it’s on your fucking heads.


Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Week 17 – Meaningless Games!

I can’t ever remember a week 17 with such little to play for. Most of the seeding positions are locked up, including home field advantage and all the 1st-round byes. Only 2 playoff spots are open, and 2 teams have relatively winnable games to get into the playoffs, against teams with nothing to play for (Tennessee vs. Indy ; Washington vs. Dallas). Of course, the question becomes how hard the “resting” teams will play. Both of the “resting” teams are facing divisional opponents and could easily eliminate them if they exerted full effort… so it’s all a crapshoot this week!

Manwich Matchup of the Week
Dallas @ Washington – I’m guessing Washington will be able to get into the playoffs after all. Hooray for Todd Collins.
Pick: Washington

Upset of the Week
Tennessee @ Indy – Under Tony Dungy, the Colts won their last meaningless games in 2002, 2003, 2005 and 2006, but lost in 2004 (when they ended up playing Denver 2 consecutive weeks). Maybe history is on the Browns side? I can only hope. The Colts are currently 6 point underdogs. I realize this is a completely selfish pick at this point, but I’m ok with it.
Pick: Indy

New England @ Giants – They just announced that NBC and CBS will be simulcasting this game Saturday night. You know what? I’m not even that excited about it. While having a 16-0 season has never been done, if the Pats lose in the playoffs, no one will give one feces about their regular season accomplishment. With the Giants also probably resting their starters, getting to 16-0 won’t be a challenge at this point, it will be getting to 19-0 that will be interesting.
Pick: Pats

Buff @ Philly – It’s too bad this game didn’t take place about 4 weeks ago, when both were still in the hunt for the playoffs and had a lot to play for. Then again, McNabb seems to be playing better lately in some weird effort to “keep” his job. Transitioning from a very mobile QB to more of a pocket passer ain’t easy.
Pick: Philly

CAR @ Tampa – I’m guessing Tampa will be resting players, because they are locked in at the 4-spot. CAR could win, because this random rookie QB, Matt Moore, still needs another good game to be in the mix next season. I just found out Matt Moore is from Oregon State, just like Browns QB Derek Anderson. Odd. My biggest question for this game is whether Bruce Gradkowski will see playing time.
Pick: CAR

Cincy @ Miami – Eessh… I wouldn’t want to watch this one. The Browns almost won against the Bengals and that was with 4 turnovers.
Pick: Cincy

Detroit @ Green Bay – Not a clue what will happen in this game, once the backups start playing.
Pick: Green Bay

Jacksonville @ Houston – Okay, so this is the week the Texans get to win a game because they have more to play for against a team resting their players!
Pick: Houston

New Orleans @ Chicago – Who would have thought last year’s championship game would most likely be a meaningless game? Granted, the Saints still get in with a win and losses by the Redskins and Vikings, but it seems like a lot to ask for.
Pick: New Orleans

Pitt @ Baltimore – The Steelers still need to win this game to hopefully get the 3-seed and avoid the Jaguars. Of course, they also need San Diego to lose, but the Chargers aren’t playing until 4PM.
Pick: Pitt

Seattle @ Atl – Light at the end of the tunnel? With the Falcons finishing in last in the NFC South, this means they will probably win the division next season! Or, at least, that’s how the story has gone for 4 years now.
Pick: Seattle

San Fran @ Cleveland – A meaningless game unless Tennessee ties. So, it’s unclear what will happen, but the Browns shouldn’t hang their heads low, because it was still a very successful season, even if they can’t get in the playoffs and even if Tennessee has played terrible in the 2nd half.
Pick: Cleveland

St. Louis @ Arizona – It’s the Kurt Warner bowl!
Pick: Arizona

Minnesota @ Denver – The Vikings also blew a chance to take control of their destiny last week, just like the Browns.
Pick: Denver

San Diego @ Oakland – San Diego will get the job done and lock up the 3-seed.
Pick: San Diego

Kansas City @ Jets – It’s the Herman Edwards homecoming game! You play the game to win! Except in week 17, when you’re playing for a draft position.
Pick: jets

Last Week: 8-8
Season: 154-86
Manwich: 12-4 (The Redskins really took care of the Vikings.)
Upset of the Week: 8-8 (I was REALLY wrong about the Colts resting their players)

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Cheers and Jeers: 2007 Year in Review Part II

The second half of 2007 wasn't much different than the first half of 2007. It was the year of the Shocker. And not the good kind. The kind were you think things are enjoyable and then well things quickly take a turn for the worst. Wait thats not supposed to be there, and that's not comfortable I said many of times (before going to the corner to cry)


July/August or what I can Julugust is normally a slow time in the sports world of ye old USA. It provided an opportunity for the Yanks, Indians and Cubbies to begin their push for the playoffs, which at the time seemed like a good thing. But for this humble sports writer the biggest sports event of the time period was the Palio. Palio is THE sporting event of my adoptive home for the first half of '07. For six long months the men, women, horses, Vespas, and leaning tower makers of Siena, Italy trained for the greatest horse race around an enclosed Piazza in the world. At first I was annoyed at the constant drumming and flag throwing but over time and possibly because of the free food and wine I got behind my section of the city and my team Nicchio (the Fighting Seashells). This would only end in heart break as at the last second one of our rivals would swoop in an win the event continuing Nicchio's 40 odd year long drought and sending me into a shame spiral.

Other Notable July/August Events: Joey Chestnut defeated Kobayashi in a hot dog eating contest. Kobayashi would retire from competitive eating and become a Cleveland reliever and forcing me to retire from hot dog eating. Publius and I survived MJ's birthday. MJ did not. Pittsburgh made sure everyone knew that the Steel Industry is in fact gay.

September brought an odd moment when the entire Big 10 cheered when Applachian State beat Michigan in the Big House. At first it seemed funny, like Mini-Me. But over time it became more and more annoying as the punditry felt this moment crystallized by the Big 10 was the worst conference in college football, much like Mini-me. Somehow Oregon's record points, West Virginia's dominance, Florida's success and the Big 12's basketball scores were not signs that NOBODY has figured how to defend the spread. Nope Just the Big 10 with its plodding Stegosauri. By the end of the year I rued the day Applachian State entered the Big House.

Other Notable September Events: MJ speculated that Les Miles might consider the Michigan job. Thus ending the issue for the year . Charlie Frye getting traded after starting the first game of the season would turn out to be an executive of the year type move. Colorado Rockies may have lost one game this month Scientists are still measuring this incredible run .


I believe it was Oscar Wild that once wrote October is the cruelest month. I believe he also said I'm a lamp shade while under an opium induced hallucination. However Wild was right. October saw the Indians cut down by Boston Red Sox after a 3-1 lead. For those that have never suffered with a city that has never won a championship (unless indoor soccer counts. and it doesn't) its hard to note exactly what that feelings like for a team that you think has destiny written on it lose to a bunch of arrogant, racist , panda killers (I've never been to Boston or know anything about it but I can only assume that it represents all things that I hate). The closest thing I can imagine is being let into the Playboy Grotto , chocked full of the most beautiful beings the universe has seen only to be kicked in the groin by a robotic donkey. The closer you are the more painful the kick (note that Scientists have in fact proven this at a Stanford Lab).

Other Notable October Moments: The Yankees were attacked and devoured by highly intelligent midges thus restoring my faith in nature. Publius got NFL direct, thus ending his need for going to the bar. But why the bars offer reasonably priced food and surrounded by stable individuals. It also ended my desire to talk to him on Sundays.

From Jeff Darcy Cleveland PD

November was actually a good month. In fact it may have been the best sports month of the year. The Browns somehow won football games in exciting fashion. Brian Billick made the mistake of pissing off Mr. T and suffered severe lacerations to his kidneys as a result. OSU and Michigan played out the way a Bo and Woody would have liked (an ugly, grind it out, bad weather, slug fest) . I found one reason not to hate 2007's Heisman winner Tim Tebow well actually two.
Other Notable November Events: Lloyd Carr announced his retirement setting the stage for RoRod to bring the Spread Option to Ann Arbor. After taking West Fucking Virginia's basketball coach last year, I can actually refer to the school above Ohio as West Fucking Virginia North. Which made me happy. The Patriots march to being one of the best, if not THE best, team ever hit full speed. Given my belief in New England fans this is probably a bad thing but I'll ignore the ramifications till 2008.

The Browns success has been perplexing like a monkey trying to invent a new flavor of ice cream. I'd never complain about it but I never saw it coming. I mean who would have guessed the Browns would have a shot at the playoffs. The Browns offense has been ranked 30, 31rst and 47th the past few years. Que in a new year , new offense coordinator and a QB named Horseballs and the offense clicked for the first 3/4 quarters of the year. However as my Dad says, you could lead a guy named Horseballs to water but you can't make a guy named Horseballs drink the water because he's an alcoholic and will probably throw four interceptions against the Bungals. I'm not sure where that saying comes from. Probably the Bible or something. The end of December is still a week away but here's to betting that it'll end the same way the rest of the year has gone....a build up of high hopes, only to end soul crushingly short.

Other Notable December Events: Arthur Blank completed the all time hat trick of having a QB, coach and possible GM lie to him. LSU clinched the SEC thereby forcing BCS voters to send them to the championship game because theyre from the fucking South. Mighty began amassing a series of bottles of alcohol, locals of opium dens, and possibilities for new phone numbers in preparation for the BCS Championship game.

And for the first time C&J will reveal the gal of 2007 (who coincedentally is Playboy's playmate of the year)....Sara Jean Underwood

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Cheers and Jeers: 2007 Year in Review Part I

2007: Shattered Dreams


Continuing the tradition Cheers and Jeers will present its Year in Review. While last year was the year of the Roller Coaster, this was the year of Shattered Dreams. I'm sure for the people of Boston or Gainesville its been a great year. Well fuck them. They can have their own Cheers and Jeers. The best allusion I can come up for this year is like wandering through the desert for five years and finding a oasis of showers, turkey sandwiches, beautiful women and puppies. However just as you reach the oasis you see a flaming anvil (possibly made of broken glass) fall from the sky smashing everything with the only thing remaining are leftover tapes of Steven A. Smith's Quite Frankly. It was the Year of the Scissor Kick to the Nuts. Here's the Blow by Blow of the year that was:

January - Didn't see that Coming

January set the stage for the year as a momentous battle between the Florida Gators and the Ohio State Buckeyes turned into a fizzle and soulless feeling. Florida raced around the OSU O-Line like Speedy Gonzalez on crack. The crushing defeat had me turning off the tv in the third quarter, crying, taking my rage out on my own body (reading Bill Simmons), taking my rage out on others (drop kicking Angela Lansbery) and general depression.

Other Notable January Events: Barbaro died without passing his freak genes on. Quite Frankly was canceled. Hitman still hasn't filled that time slot in his heart. Nick Saban was able to not lie for 7 seconds. MJ was found not guilty of trying to hit Kevin Youklis with a forklift.

February - Tony Dungy gets ring probably doesn't get speaking engagement in San Fran

February saw lots of milestones. For the first time in history two black NFL coaches faced on another in the Super Bowl. Chicago was beaten handily and a result Tony Dungy was named humantarian of the decade. This was a great step forward for African-Americans. Probably a step back for gays as Dungy isn't exactly a fan but according to the media this doesn't count. Doggie Howser (aka Neil Patrick Harris) went on murder spree of hobos to protest this.

Other Notable February Events: Bill Parcells ate co-host Christ Mortenson on air following a dispute. ESPN created CGI Christ Mortenson who can only handle gossip and rumors to replace the live on. Publius began his 6 month stint in charge of C&J which resulted in only 5 paternity suits (which was second only to Tom Brady) and 3 restraining orders (which was second only to Bobby Petrino)

March - Madness and Snoop Almost Breakthroughs

March Madness is the greatest sporting event in the US. In fact it might even top the Canadian Midget Bowling Open, The Belgian Chocoholication, The Cambodian Russian Roulette-off or the Brazillian Wax for the Rain Forest. This year the favorites by in large streaked the tournament. Florida, The Fighting Waltons of UCLA, the Son of Georgetown and Mattavests of OSU claimed a place of the Final 4.

Other Notable March Events: BSD would have a series of Mock Drafts starting with the great Beer Draft of 07. Charles Barkley saved a cheeseburger from a ravenous wolf but suffered non-repairable brain damage. Snoop Dogg was nearly hired as coach of Atlanta before they turned to a more reliable man in Bobby Petrino.

April -Deja Vu All over Again
A mere four months after Florida crushed tOSU in the Championship game, Florida crushed tOSU in the Championship game. After careful research (read looking the take out menu at Ming Dynasty for Sesame Chicken) this has never happened before. Joakim Noah obnoxious and possibly rabies infected body stopped Greg Oden for the first two-peat since Duke. This was made even worse when he dedicated the victory to Bill Simmons.

Other Notable April Events: MJ wanted to put a halt on Boston's march to the World Series or Becket's Cy Young. Unfortunately he would be able to stop one of these. Pacman Jones would take matters into his own hands to ensure that he would indeed have a wrestling career. The Browns and Vikings, in the most improbable event of the year, did not screw up their draft.

May/June - Not sure how it happened but not a happy ending

These months kinda fused together. I blame the acid laced gelatto. Also more heartbreak so I'm just grouping them together. The Lebrons (based loosely out of Cleveland) somehow marched through the Eastern Conference getting my hopes up before shrinking like Publius at a cold day at the beach in the Finals. The Spurs stomped on them and my sleep deprived hopes to become the world's most boring Champion. I also started caring about Champion's League. A tournament pitting the best European Club teams against one another. Unfortunately AC Milan won the tournament to become to the world's most corrupt Champion defeating my adopted team of not AC Milan.

Other Notable May/June Events: Boston missed out on a top 3 pick causing Boston to become to the media favorite to win the NBA the following year. Bill Simmons level of obnoxious would begin to rise to Chernobyl levels. Michael Vick announced he had no involvement with dog fighting, thus ending the issue forever. Gred Oden became the first number 1 pick to not play at all his first year when he had knee surgery. Gutsy began his campaign to have Jamie Lynn Spears impregnated.

Stay Tuned for Part II of C&H Year in Review....until then your C&J gal of the Week Erica Durance

Judge Curt Schilling

Curt Schilling is entitled to his opinion. And, in accordance with the right to share his opinion, he shares it (and with great frequency and gusto, I might add).

Although he’s a member of the Red Sox, I actually don’t hate Curt Schilling. I’ve had the pleasure of personally corresponding with him and he’s not only a pleasant guy but he understands the fan perspective and “gets” how much baseball means to those of us that follow it passionately.

Having said all that, it bugs me when he makes statements like these. Roger Clemens should have to give back his four Cy Young Awards if he’s found “guilty” of the allegations proffered in the Mitchell Report? Who is to say that the four runners-up were also drug free? In fact, this very discussion highlights what was so wrong about the Mitchell Report’s release of names. It effectively damns the few and makes all others seem less culpable by contrast. Schilling is making a judgment on Clemens based on his inclusion in the report. As if that report wasn’t conflicted enough? Now he’s rushing out to implicitly state that no one else on the list of Cy Young finalists was compromised by PED’s?

Do I believe that Roger Clemens used PED’s? Of course. I’ve said all along that I believe most, if not all, baseball players used some form of enhancement simply because it was encouraged by management and because the incentives to do so were so great. Now, I’d like to ask Curt Schilling a question:

Did his performance receive a boost between 2000 and 2001 and again between 2003 and 2004? Because strictly looking at his statistics from 2000-2001 and 2003-2004, I see huge jumps in performance that make me jump to conclusions…

Curt, it’s best to not run your mouth about steroids: Judge not that ye be not judged. Or did you forget your bible-thumping values already?

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Week 16 – Fantasy Super Bowl Week

It’s fantasy super bowl week! And with a lot of REAL teams stuck in their seeding positions, or at least already clinched, picking the games from here on out is a complete guessing game because no one knows how much playing time anyone is going to get. This will wreak havoc on many of the Fantasy Super Bowls going on this weekend, as well as my picks.

Manwich Matchup / Opening Round Playoff Game #7
Washington @ Minny – Oh yeah! As far as I can tell, this is just like last week’s Cleve-Buff tilt, where the winner may be controlling their own destiny. A lot is on the line. I’ve been saying for weeks that Minny would make the playoffs with any kind of decent QB play. As horrible as the QB play has been, I’m thinking Minny will win this game, though I really am rooting for Washington as this point so there will be some intrigue the last week of the season.
Pick: Minny

Upset of the Week
Houston @ Indy- This is the time of the year when Indy starts resting everyone and they go into the postseason on a losing streak. Also, Houston has been winning a lot of games of late, meaning they are in the running to be the “surprise team” of 2008.
Pick: Houston

Pitt @ St. Louis – Pitt actually is farther from clinching a playoff spot than Cleveland. Apparently, Pitt doesn’t get in automatically with a win, though Cleveland would!
Pick: Pitt

Dallas @ CAR – I’ve never seen more men complain about the presence of Jessica Simpson. On by far the most surprising fact of the week, the CAR Panthers are somehow the only 6-8 team which still has a mathematical chance of making the playoffs. Somehow, the Eagles, Cardinals, and Detroit already were eliminated.
Pick: Dallas

Cleveland @ Cincy – Last time, the score was an “unbelievable” 51-45 back in week 2, in Derek Anderson’s first start. Now, the Browns just need one more win to make the playoffs. I have to guess that hunger should get them through. The Bungals have been playing pretty lackadaisically of late.
Pick: Cleveland

Green Bay @ Chicago – Suddenly, the Packers may have a shot at homefield after all, if they gain another game on Dallas. No way the Pack gets swept by this Bears team.
Pick: Green Bay

KC @ Detroit – 2 teams where the wheels came off on the season. The Chiefs are on a 7-game losing streak, and the Lions are on a 6-game losing streak. Both teams have nothing to play for but pride. Well, the Lions are hoping that if they win they can somehow satisfy QB Kitna’s 10-game prediction.
Pick: KC

Miami @ New England – Well, now the Dolphins can relax… because they have no hope this weekend.
Pick: New England

Giants @ Buffalo – The Bills may have been eliminated but something tells me they’ll still be playing hard this weekend.
Pick: Buff

Oakland @ Jacksonville – Somehow, the Jags still haven’t clinched, despite the 10-4 record. They will probably lock up the 5-seed and earn a much-needed rest next weekend.
Pick: Jack-o

Philly @ New Orleans – The Saints are still very much alive at this point. If the Redskins beat the Vikings, which is not out of the question, and the Saints pull through, the NFC could actually provide a 3-way tie with 1 spot open for the last week of the season.
Pick: New Orleans

ATL @ Arizona – Interesting game… actually, having a lot of Cardinals this week in the fantasy super bowl would be a great situation to be in.
Pick: Arizona

Baltimore @ Seattle – Coach Brian Billick, aka Cobra Commander, has been on a sensational streak. Just like the real Cobra Commander, he continually snatches losses from the jaws of victory! The amazing streak started with a sloppy 5-point loss to Buffalo back in week 7, the strange kick by Cleveland that hit 3 parts of the field goal in week 11, the game against New England where the players started throwing yellow flags into the stands in week 13, an Incredible Hulk-style destruction by the Colts where the game was over within 5 minutes in week 14, and a colossal heartbreak loss to the Dolphins last week. There’s only one thing left that Cobra Commander can tell his team to do: RETREAT!!!!
Pick: Seattle

Jets @ Tennessee – Damn. I was hoping the Titans would get a tougher opponent this week.
Pick: Tennessee

Tampa @ San Fran – I’m very curious if this QB Shaun Hill on San Fran is actually decent, or if the Bengals defense can make any QB look good.
Pick: Tampa

Denver @ San Diego – It’s got to be closer than that 41-3 beatdown earlier in the season, right?
Pick: San Diego

Last Week: 11-5
Season: 146-78
Manwich: 12-3 (Good job Brownies, in becoming 1-0 in the Manwich)
Upset of the Week: 8-7 (The Dolphins did it! Hooray! Stupid Cobra Commander forgot that you play the game to win, not to go to OT.)

All Things Football

The following football-related thoughts popped into my head today:

1. College football has an extremely disappointing record when it comes to minority hiring. When a guy like Rick Neuheisel can be considered the front-runner for another prestigious job – this time at UCLA – it must make guys like Norm Chow wonder if they’ll ever get a fair shake in this profession.

You know what the worst part is? Neuheisel is the offensive coordinator of the Baltimore Ravens. What about the Ravens offense in 2007 makes him such a hot commodity? In light of his two most recent firings over ethical issues (one minor, one extremely serious), and given how little he’s accomplished with Baltimore, why would Rick Neuheisel be given another chance over seemingly better-qualified candidates?

I understand that he’s an alumnus and a former player. I guess I would’ve hoped that UCLA boosters would have better sense than to go for a guy that’ll lead their program into the mud like those Big 12, SEC, and ACC guys do.

2. At first it looked like the Big Tuna was heading to Atlanta. Now, maybe he’s heading a few hundred miles further south, where his fat, pasty body can get a nice tan on South Beach.

I’ll be honest, I’m not sure why Tuna thinks the Miami job is better than the one in Atlanta. Both teams stink but at least one owner – Atlanta’s Arthur Blank – is committed to staying in the football business. Miami’s Wayne Huizenga seems ambivalent about remaining the primary owner of the Dolphins. Given that Bill Parcells went through an ownership change with the Jets back in January 2000, and given how much an ownership change can affect football operations, I’m not sure why he’d be leaning towards taking the more unstable job at this time. But, then again, Tuna’s not a guy that a lot of folks can figure out. He seems to only be happy when he’s miserable and has something to bitch about.

3. Not that anyone gives a crap about the NFL’s All-Star Game but I do always love debating the snubs. This year’s snubs are particularly outrageous. Fred Taylor didn’t make the Pro Bowl? I’m not a big fan of “Fragile Fred” but it’s hard to argue with the 5.1 yards per carry and the seeming career rebirth at the most critical time of the season for his Jaguars.

I’m not saying that any of the AFC’s other running backs (LaDanian Tomlinson, Joseph Addai, Willie Parker) didn’t deserve to go to Hawaii over Taylor. But it’s strange to think that an NFL roster carries 53 players and yet the Pro Bowl roster only has 38 players. Why not expand rosters to 43 and rectify some of the annual snubs that always take place? Why are rosters cut by 28%?

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Good News Everybody

So I'm trying to be more positive these days. Possibly because I haven't seen the sun in two weeks. Or hallucinating for some Asian Cole Slaw a friend made. Or just general lack of sleep, stress and fear of Clown Zombies has finally taken its toll. In any here's some good news

Brady Quinn - Class Act. The little things do matter especially when it has the personal touch. Tip of the hat to Brady for this act.

Lebron - is now the youngest player to 9000 points as he passed Kobe. I just like records going to Lebron over Kobe. Call me sentimental.

Chris Dodd - You know its funny I hate it when other sports blogs include politics but I'm more than willing to argue against retroactive immunity unless its handled by a Truth and Reconciliation Commission. Actually I'm not - I'd just punch the person in the heart and run away.

Funny Movies Soon to be release of Charlie Wilson's War . Also go see Juno Its funny too. Funny is good. And good is good. These deep thoughts have been brought you by Jessica Simpson.

Other good things....
Waffle Fries
Corn Bread
40 pounds of Taffy
The fact that three governors were in the first Predator movie (The Govenator, Ventura and the Predator - he won governor of North Dakota)
Former Governor Predator Kicking the Crap out of Aliens
40 more pounds of Taffy
Zuzu's Petals
Free Russian Vodka of the non-rubbing alcohol variety

Monday, December 17, 2007

MMBSD: Now that's football weather

Play your Super Bowls in the shiny domes or utopian weather. Blow. Discuss the majesty of the SEC . Suck it. Unless football is being played in weather that requires shirpas, Saint Bernards and igloos its not real football. This Sunday I finally got my wish. Like a kid that discovered scrambled Playboy I called everyone I know in Cleveland (well Gutsy is now dead to me given my FF team's collapse) to confirm what I heard on the radio...Lake Effect Snow. And not just your run of the mill "Oh its Snowing" but your "Oh crap, grab your neighbor's wife and head to the heated room Snow". 50 MPH swirling gusts of wind. Packable Snow. A haze of fog and sleet. Ref's not being able to find yard markers. Outstanding. The fans got into the game by building snowmen and throwing snowballs at the Bills. Sure the score ( 8-0) resembled more of a Cleveland Spider's game then a Cleveland Browns game (in fact John Clayton informs us the last 8-0 game was 1929) but man was it fun. Outside of the joy of watching the weather the game also had important playoff implications as the Browns moved to within one game of clinching the playoffs. The AFC race is all but set barring a huge collapse and save the outside chance that Cleveland can win the North and send the Yinzers to the 6th playoff spot.

Derek Anderson celebrated the big win by eating snow(AP Photo/Tony Dejak)

Other Things We Learned:
Jacksonville is probably the team nobody wants to play. A mean defense and punishing running game. Fred Taylor gained more yards than any other back ever in Heinz Field. San Diego is creeping up with their beatdown of Detroit but its still Norv Turner we're talking about here (right? said the writer who's still figuring out how the Chargers have piled up rushing yards like Brady has paternity suits). They don't make mistakes, they run and can get pressure with their front 4. Yes seems like we might have finally found our #3 team in the AFC.

Things to Keep an Eye On: Anyone else notice that in the last two weeks Dallas needed a last second win over Detroit and lost to the Iggles. Anyone else remember Romo's disappearing act at the end of last year? I'm just saying for all the Pete King's Romo has a great smile (he's getting laid by Jessica Simpson of course he's smiling) that Romo and the Cowboys haven't proven he/they can handle the pressure yet. Green Bay is eying homefield advantage suddenly.
Yes you are distracting Jessica...wait where was I with this article?

Things that Deserve a Recount: A few of us, and I won't name names, poo-pooed the hiring of Marv Levy as GM of the Bills. Well the Bills despite the loss seem to be moving in the right direction. Despite leading the league in injuries Levy has stocked them team with good depth, rebuilt an O-Line, drafted young stars like Whitner and Lynch and maybe found a QB of the future in Edwards. Not too shabby and certainly not a mistake hiring.

Things that Make You Go Hmm: RoRod aka Rich Rodriguez is off to Wolvereeenes land. Its a surprising hire as the Atheletic Department is shelling out 3 million just to pay off the buy out. Its surprising that the spread option is coming to QB factory USA. All those great recruits like Ryan Mallet can begin this transfer search...NOW. I suppose its not that surprising as the pressure to land a big name and a different direction were huge for the AD. There's no reason to think RiRod (RoRod sounds better despite that it doesn't make sense) won't succeed although it might take a few years to get the right players. HOWEVER, a coach that has interviewed twice in two years after receiving an extension and has left his alma mater, might have his eyes on other places (like a 4 million a year gig in the SEC). It will be also interesting to see how the Meechigan's AD handles Rodriguez propensity for recruiting questionable characters and keeping them around.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Cheers and Jeers: Gentleman's Club Edition

Ingredients: At the moment outside of a pending game by the Lake I can say that sports is kind of in a lull. Basketball hasnt kicked in, the Bowl Games are on a break, and a world of football without parity there's very few meaningful games until the playoffs. So instead of looking at Sports today's Cheers and Jeers will focus in on Part II of our ongoing coverage of facial hair. Today's topic: The Goatee. The History of the goatee is complex and mysterious. Some find that it was born in the 19th century as a part of an opium induced bet between Edgar Allan Poe and a 60 foot tall Andrew Jackson. Others trace it back to Satan where the goatee went well with his ruddy complexion. In any event over the years the goatee has appeared in various forms so today C&J will try to classify them

The Evil Goatee
The most famous evil goatee in history belongs to Evil Spock. Well he wasn't evil exactly but he has come to represent that evil parallel universe versions of people tend to have goatees. As Dr.Spock in his best selling kid's book said: if you ever meet your parallel version with a goatee assume that he will try to overthrow your government and enslave you. Now a few people's evil version's don't come with goatees (evil Captain Kirk) but that's just because they're hiding their evil goatee elsewhere.

Other Famous Evil Goatees: Satan

Goatee of Douchebaggery
This is the lesser second cousin once removed of the evil goatee. There's always one douchebag out there with a sanctimonious goatee. It says I'm a jerk, a no talent ass clown but yet I still can trick my friend into writing an Oscar worthy movie without doing work and I get to have sex with many beautiful women. Obviously Ben Affleck epitomizes that type of goatee.

Other Famous Douchebag Goatees:
Tom Cruises hidden goatee

Goatee of Shame:
Some people have goatees to hide their shame. They first use their goatee to say I'm competent. I'm a hero. I had nothing to do with that incident with your sister's home made movie making it onto youtube. Or I won't talk about my history of injecting steriods directing into my eyeballs. And perhaps you believe them given the goatee. But the goatee of shame always shows its true colors and the wearer goes down in the Big Book of Shame (published by Hufflin Mifflin for those Christmas shoppers)

Other Goatees of Shame: General Armstrong Custer

Goatee of Druggyness
Fo Shizzle my Nizzle. And to avoid any further legal action by Up In Smoke Inc. I'll just salute you Snoop Dogg, owner of the 6 foot long blunt and wearer of the Goatee of Druggyness

Other Goatees of Druggyness: Shaggy from Scooby-Doo

Hero's Goatee
There's a few out there that use the goatee as for good not evil. They fight injustice with strength, determination and possibly a trick boxing glove arrow. However to protect friends, family and neighbor's dogs they need to hide their true identity. What better way to do that than through a goatee? The goatee also gives the hero super powers. Like better accuracy with handcuff arrows. I'm sure it does other things that are non-arrow related but I just haven't researched it enough. Nobody symbolizes this better than Oliver Queen aka the Green Arrow

Other Hero's Goatee: Robin Hood

And now for some Cheering and Jeering

Cheers: To the 15th anniversary of WWE's Monday Night Raw. For those that are unaware of the syllogism Monday Night's are Raw and Raw is still War. Hence I can watch the high points of culture (i.e. a grown man attacking another with a sock) over New Orleans v. Atlanta.

You really think I was going to pick watching Joey Harrington over Stacey Keibler's legs?

Jeers: To the news that Jessica Alba is preggers via some douchebag. She ruined her vagina for this guy? Booo!

Jeers: Walmart for yanking panties. Its why I only shop at Costco. And its strictly a comfort thing.

Jeers: To over reacting. First everyone said the Texans were idiots for picking Mario Williams. Now everyone is saying they're geniuses. Can we wait at least 3 years before deciding on rookies please?

Jeers: Bobby Petrino. Even if the Hitman summed up why he sucks , Petrino still can't be booed enough.

Lawyer Milloy didn't like Petrino either (h/t EDSBS)

The Shawn Taylor Memorial Beatdown of the Week goes to the Colts humiliating of the Ravens. The game was over with about 12 minutes left in the 2nd Quarter. Even Collinsworth publicly admitted nobody but Colts fans were watching it by halftime. Oh it was beautiful

And the C&J gal of the week goes to Marissa Miller. Yes I'm dreaming of the beach too....

I Think I'm Through With Baseball

“People can say Bud was just trying to cover his butt or take care of his legacy or whatever, I say [bleep] it.” – Bud Selig, Commissioner, Major League Baseball

Yeah, right. Because you’ve always done the right thing before...

Update – 4:45 pm

Since apparently all it takes to get your name dragged through the mud by baseball’s powers that be is a bit of anecdotal evidence and the sworn testimony of a former batboy turned drug-dealer, allow me to use the same duty of care† to ruin someone else’s life. You won’t find Luis Gonzalez’s name on Mitchell’s list but I defy you to look at this picture and tell me he wasn’t pumped up.*

To all those folks who will defend the Mitchell Report as being a work of total legitimacy and uncompromised ethics based solely on the fact that Senator Mitchell is a man of “sterling” integrity…I just had a good, hearty laugh. A member of the United States government has never hid behind his reputation before, right?^

Look, to me, this report is just evidence of Bud Selig hiring an old friend of his to run this dog-and-pony show. After all, Senator Mitchell signed his name to the “The Report of the Independent Members of the Commissioner’s Blue Ribbon Panel on Baseball Economics” in July 2000. That document stated, among other things, that the business of baseball was irreparably harmed. Seven years later, Selig is taking credit for the booming business of baseball.

This Mitchell Report is a document that was purchased, plain and simple. Selig got what he paid for: a document written by a man with a “sterling” reputation that he can now parade around as evidence of his interest in fixing baseball. The ostriches in management can go back to burying their heads in the sand while the grunts in labor get their asses kicked in the press by sanctimonious cocksuckers. That’s exactly the kind of problem-solving skills that define Selig’s tenure – the politics of passing the buck while some other idiot is left holding the bag of flaming dogshit.

I’m done. No baseball reports from the Hot Stove this winter. I’m out of baseball for the next three months, at least. Not that baseball cares, of course. Loyal, intelligent paying customers like me are disposable. They only go after wankers like this.

†Lawyers: I know what “duty of care” means. Don’t waste your time telling me how and where I fail to meet the exact definition in your Black’s Law Dictionary. I’ll send you back to Webster’s to look up “hyperbole.”

*This photograph was taken after Gonzalez’s game-winning hit in the 2001 World Series. But we’d never suspect a Yankee-killer, right? Right, Commissioner Selig?

^Dan Rostenkowski, James Trafficant, Randy “Duke” Cunningham, Tom DeLay, Spiro Agnew, Richard Nixon...

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Week 15 – Pursuit for History

The Patriots have a stupid tab on the ESPN bottomline for their “Pursuit of Perfection.” It’s obnoxious. Where’s the Dolphins tab for “Hunting for Heartbreak”? How come we aren’t scouting their opponents and giving constant updates on their quest?

More importantly, where’s my tab? Quietly, softly, I did the unthinkable last week… I achieved perfection in my picks last week! I finally topped Bill Belichick in something. I may not have won a Super Bowl but, I achieved perfection before Belichick! And I didn’t even use a time machine to cheat at any point!

Manwich Matchup of the Week / Opening Round Playoff Game #5
Buff @ Cleveland – As far as I can remember, the Browns have not been in the Manwich Matchup since I started writing in 2004. The Browns did appear as a “Mini-Manwich” a few weeks ago but that’s not the same. So… this is their Manwich debut!
As for this game, the winner of this game essentially controls their own destiny, and the loser is behind the 8-ball in a major way, because head-to-head would be the first tiebreaker if both teams would finish with the same record. This game is a doozy and I’m just going to go with the home team, because the stakes couldn’t be higher, and I have to guess that homefield advantage will be important.
Pick: Cleveland

Upset of the Week
Baltimore @ Miami- I don’t belive for a second that the Dolphins are the “worst team ever.” I may have made fun of the Dolphins since before the season began for their personnel decisions, but they still can’t be the worst team ever when they’ve had SIX close losses. Granted, they were a much better team in the first half with Ronnie Brown and when Chris Chambers was at least trying to get open. The Ravens have actually lost 7 in a row, which isn’t that much less than the 13 the Dolphins have lost! I’ve got to believe the Dolphins will come through and stick it to Kyle Boller. This is probably their last chance.
Pick: Miami

Opening Round Playoff Game #6
Arizona @ New Orleans- It’s an elimination game! For real! You could pretty much flip a coin on this one.
Pick: Saints

Denver @ Houston- Burger King has this insane (and way too long) video showing what happens when BK pretends that they don’t have whoppers for sale. While watching this, I realized that Burger King is very proud about how their burgers are “Flame Broiled!” But in Wendy’s commercials, they are very proud of the fact that their burgers are “Never Frozen!” It’s like “Less Filling vs. Tastes Great” for a new generation!
Pick: Houston

Cincy @ San Fran – I’m not even sure who’s playing QB now for the 49ers. It might be Trent Dilfer.
Pick: Cincy

Atl @ Tampa – Petrino is gone, and there were some great sound bytes by the players. I hope for Petrino’s sake he never bumps into any of those guys.
Pick: Tampa

Green Bay @ St. Louis- It’s not even going to be fair with Green Bay running around on the fast turf…
Pick: Green Bay

Jacksonville @ Pitt – This is NOT an opening round playoff game… mainly because both of these teams are most likely going to be in the playoffs, win, lose, tie, or shenanigan.
Pick: Pitt

Jets @ Pats – Jets: “You’re such a cheater!”
Pats: “I know you are but what am I!” [supposedly, the Jets got caught filming the Pats last year]
Pick: Pats

Seattle @ CAR – Enjoy Testaverde’s last few starts, I’m guessing he will return to being a “Mr. Mom” again next year.
Pick: Seattle

Tennessee @ KC – An important game for the Titans. I'm hesitantly picking them, with full knowledge that the Madden curse has already doomed Vince Young.
Pick: Tennessee

Indy @ Oakland – Let’s just hope the game stays close enough for Addai and R. Wayne to score enough points so I can take down Mighty in the fantasy playoffs. Once I defeat Mighty, Mighty’s transformation will be complete, as we can then call his team “Schottenheimer” since he qualifies for the playoffs almost every year, and then usually abruptly loses in the fantasy playoffs without winning the big one.
Pick: Indy

Detroit @ San Diego – I don’t see why the Lions will win this week either. Sorry Michigan.
Pick: San Diego

Philly @ Dallas – Do the Eagles have some fight left? Maybe just a bit.
Pick: Dallas

Washington @ Giants – If the Giants win, they’re in. If they lose, there’s trouble just around the corner! (Bill, Pats are next 2 games!)
Pick: Giants

Chicago @ Minny – Minny will make the playoffs, and whatever Bears QB comes out to play, it won’t be enough to stop the Vikings Defense.
Pick: Minny

Last Week: 16-0 (for real! Believe it!)
Season: 135-73
Manwich: 11-3 (Thank you Chargers for rallying, beating the Titans, and putting the Browns in a better position.)
Upset of the Week: 7-7 (The Texans came through clutch, and stopped any possible “McCown winning streak”)

Wednesday Video: Global Warming

Because its Hump Day and we all need a laugh...

Tuesday, December 11, 2007


Shame on you, Bobby Petrino.

Oh, I'm sure that over the next few days, Petrino will hold a press conference and tell the world how coaching at Arkansas has been a dream of his, that he always wanted a challenge like leading the Razorbacks, and how he really appreciates his opportunity with the Atlanta Falcons but this was an opportunity he cannot pass up.

Don't buy a word of it.

Coach Petrino bailed ship because he thought he was getting a team with Michael Vick at the helm - and when the world turned upside down, he couldn't hack it...or, at best, decided he didn't feel like trying. What an utter load of shit. This wasn't about a guy whose skills are necessarily better for the college game - we don't know yet what Petrino could have done if he'd stuck it out and given things a real chance in Atlanta, adversity be damned. No, Bobby Petrino is a gutless coward who's just bolted out of Atlanta with his tail between his legs, because he's too much of a weakling to stand up to the challenge of figuring out a way to win with the Falcons.

May Petrino get ridden out of Fayetteville in three years, banished to some Division II outpost like Western North Dakota State Technical Beauty College. Couldn't happen to a bigger piece of dog doo.

Déjà vu

It’s not a dream. Appalachian State’s mission to destroy teams with winged helmets will reach its conclusion when they face Delaware for the D-I subdivision or whatever the hell its called these days Championship on Friday. For those that are unaware its not a coincidence. Delaware did indeed blatantly rip off their helmet design from the Wolverines. Although to be fair the Team Up North did the same thing by stealing their design from Princeton. On the plus side Michigan could be the first team ever to lose to champions of both Division I and IA in the same year.

Other Tuesday discussion points

Les Miles v. Nick Saban in a lie off. Who wins?

Would defeating the Jets be more or less humiliating if Belichek wore a Cosby sweater during the game?

True or false…people remember when the NBA was relevant?

George Mitchell collecting information for baseball or just trying score some pot?

Does this shirt make me look fat?

The Word of the Day is Illeism

Illeism - Illeism is the act of referring to oneself in the third person.
What do Rickey Henderson, Julius Caesar, The Hulk, Elmo, Geraldo Rivera and now Marvis Lewis have in common.

They all practice illeism.

When asked about the potential for him to be a candidate for the University of Michigan job, Lewis responded, "Marvin Lewis doesn't know any of these reports," Lewis said. "I appreciate the fact that you guys haven't brought those up, until now. Let's beat the San Francisco 49ers."
That is fantastic news...I guess the good news is that Lewis would understand the lawlessness after a UM/OSU game.

My money is still on Les is more Miles. One thing is for sure, the people at UM really fucked this up.

However if Lewis was interested in the job, there could perhaps be the battle of the sweatervests and MJ wouldn't know who to root for in the game.

Monday, December 10, 2007

MMBSD: Playoffs Race? We don't need no stinking playoff race

Yawn. You know I'm trying to remember the last time the playoffs where this well defined with 3 weeks still to go but coming up empty. With New England's thrashing of the Steelers and Romo's escape versus the Lions (umm why exactly does Romo's legend grow ? Why were they down in the first place?) the playoffs are all but set. In the AFC New England and Indy have byes. Pittsburgh and San Diego (both with two game leads) have the other two division spots. Pencil in Jacksonville as one wild card which leaves the Browns, Titans and Bills fighting for the last spot.

Titans have a defense but no offense with VY pushing Reggie Bush as potential sophomore busts o'year. The Bills despite two magnificiently Dick Jauran led collapses are sitting pretty. The only QB rookie to get serious PT, Troy Edwards out of the University of Calcutta, seems to be the QB of the future (on the plus side JP Losman if Brock Berlin can get a start, so can you). Over by the Lake, the Kardiac Kids Phase II keep their fans in fetal positions with closer than necessary wins. The offense when clicking is outstanding although the defense is the worst in the league statistically (but to be fair the statistics are only measuring stopping the run and pass). It all could come down to an Indy rest its starters end of the season game against Tennessee.

Bizarro AFC err the NFC is sad

Over in bizarro world (ie like the AFC but worst) its more or less the same. Dallas is the top dog with Green Bay the other bye. I'm sure Peter King will decide who will win that playoff game based on the dimple count. Seattle and Tampa seem to be in safe shape. For the record its just another worst to first season for the NFC South (every year the team with the worst record wins the division the next year). The Giants, despite Eli's best efforts, appear on cruise control for a road playoff game and Major Manning meltdown in the first round. Arizona , under the Warner and Carpenter Jesus are trying to outrace Minnesota and Purple Jesus and Washington and Gibb's Vengeful Jesus.

So keep an eye on the last spot playoff races because thats all we'll have till New England beats Dallas in the Super Bowl (anything less would be beyond surprising)

Draft Watch:
For those (read majority of football teams) that have been eliminated the question of the draft is arising. Outside of the oncoming collapse of society that is the potential of an undefeated Patriots having a top 3 pick (they have the 49ers) the QB question looms large. If this season has taught us anything, and it hasn't, is that today now more than ever its a QB league. Find the lucky QB prize (ahem Tony Romo) and suddenly your team is playoff bound. Have to rely on Brock Berlin and well your screwed. There will be a lot of potential err washed up QBs with JP Losman, Kyle Boller, Leftwich, Rex Grossman, name an Oakland Raider along with potential QBs via trades in Derek Anderson and Donovan Mcnabb. Factor in 3 first round quality QBs and that might be the biggest question of the off-season

College Football:
Separated at birth?

There's a lull in College Football these days so I just want to note how tradition is going out the window. While the writer's and pundits have moaned the end of traditional dominant teams they have slobbered over the first sophomore Heisman Trophy winner ever. Given the uber hype surrounding Teeebow it won't be surprising if he becomes the second person ever to win 2 heismans.

The other odd end of tradition is the difficulty Michigan is having with its coaching search. Honk if you've turned the Maize and Blue down for a job. The count is possibly at 3 with Ferentz, Miles and Schiano turning them down. Not to say this is the end of the world but certainly a change of pace that the coaches of Iowa and Rutgers think they have better gigs than if they were at Michigan.

Random Notes: Troy Smith got his first NFL TD. For a player that achieved so much in college and had to go out on a sour note, I'm happy for his moment of glory. Even if its for the Ratbirds. If anyone even doubts that Lebron is the MVP of the league check out the Cavs without him. Anyone think the Celtics would take this kind of nosedive without Garnett. Fred Taylor might be one of those under appreciated running backs in league history. He has more yards that Tiki now. FTB btw. This week I face Gutsy in our fantasy football playoffs. I want everyone out there to send hatemail and dead fishes in newspaper to Gutsy. Is that too much to ask for?

Why should Cheers and Jeers get all the chicks? Megan Gales digs MMBSD land or so the restraining order says.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Cheers and Jeers: Gorilla Smile Edition

Ingredients: What makes Gorilla smile? Well it could be this tasty alcohol treat. It could be air conditioning. But more generally its presents. Luckily for gorillas (and Cheers and Jeers) its Hannukah. A magical time of year where according to the sage Maimonides "we have 8 crazy nights". To be fair d back then there was no Nintendo Wii. However the underlying idea is still with us...everybody likes presents. So what presents would C&J hand out?

A Brain for Joe Gibbs
Poor Joe Gibbs. Poor Poor Senile Oops I Crapped my Pants Wearing Jesus Abandoned Can't Buy a Close Victory Joe Gibbs. I remember when he was competent. I think Cheers was on then. But maybe with a brain Joe Gibbs can rise above the mediocrity. If that doesn't work maybe a heart, some courage or a balloon ride to teetolling Kansas will.

Artificial Turf for Heinz Field
Yes for the first and only time there will be a gift for the Yinzers. Heinz Field these days wishes it could look as nice as a demolition derby floor. Short of Honduras' Field o'Broken Glass, Heinz field is the worst stadium in North America. Its an embarrassment. It possibly gives them an unfair advantage as only Roethlisberger knows the spots for the sink holes, tar pits and where ROUS hang out. So please somebody get them turf or bags of sand or something. It just demeans us all.

Friendlies for Peter King
I stumbled across the friendlies. I think they are a cheap Chinese rip-offs off the teletubbies. Which probably means they contain lead, iodine , chlorine and plutonium-234. Also frankly they scare the hell out me. I'm pretty convinced that if old Pete King starred at these creatures long enough they could steal what remains of his soul freeing up his column for someone with talent, a sense of humor or a connection to humanity.

Hot Girl Mud Wrestling Contest for the Super Bowl
Tom Petty is the half time show for the Super Bowl? Fuck that. Fuck Tom Petty. Fuck the FCC. Give the people what they want. They paid for bi-curious grappling. Wait my editor tells me that photo is from the Pittsburgh v. Miami game. Dammit. Who screens this shit?

Calvin and Hobbes for Mighty Mike
Because its been a long year.....

Revenge for tOSU and the Big 10
You know things are bad when one of the top michigan blogs is rooting for OSU against LSU. Despite the Big 10 going 2-1 against the SEC in bowl games last year the humiliating beatdowns of its top 2 teams last year has ushered in an era of "SEC Speed" and "Big 10 is worse than the ACC". Every national douchebag err commentator has poo-pooed the Big 10. There's only one way to end this. OSU must beat LSU. If they don't the Big 10 won't sniff the championship game for years. There's no two ways about it. Jim Tressel at his last press conference gave these cryptic remarks:
Looked dead, didn't I? But I wasn't. But it wasn't from lack of trying, I can tell you that. Actually, SEC's last bullet put me in a coma - A coma I was to lie in for a year. When I woke up, I went on what the movie advertisements refer to as a 'roaring rampage of revenge.' I roared. And I rampaged. And I got bloody satisfaction. I've killed a hell of a lot of people to get to this point, but I have only one more. The last one. The one I'm driving to right now. The only one left. And when I arrives at my destination, I am gonna kill LES MILES.
I'm not sure what that means either but suffice to say the Sweatervest is pissed.....

The Sean Taylor Memorial Beatdown of the Week:
This week's beatdown goes to Pittsburgh over West Virginia. Its not the score that made it a beatdown but the end result. To end your rivals national championship hopes on their own field? To knock their heisman hopeful QB out? For your head coach to eat the heart of the other coach at the 50 yard line? Yes that my friends is a beatdown that will last generations.

And of course your C&J gal of the week......Evangine Lilly (from Esquire Magazine)

Pot, Meet Kettle. Kettle...Pot.

Insufferable might be the agonized New York Knicks fan that laments the slow destruction of a once-proud franchise. But insufferable is the sports fan from Boston that, in a span of four years, has played the “woe is me, we’re cursed” card and the “we’re the best sports city in the world” card. Boston has neither the monopoly on misery nor the monopoly on success. But citizens from the dark, wintry corner of America where trailer trash is in great abundance often forget this.

I‘d like to introduce Bill Simmons to reality but he’s too far gone. So I’ll simply call him out as a jackass who might want to remember that lambasting a fanbase for doing the song-and-dance routine that was perfected by all those drunken racists who drop their r’s is the height of hypocrisy.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Week 14 – Dave Wannstedt Appreciation Week

The whole universe doubted Pitt Coach Dave Wannstedt and his Moustache, and also the McCown brothers, and Gus Frerotte. Boy were we wrong, as each of them won last week! Due to the power of the Moustache, he caused Pitt to upset West Virginia and to create a whole lot of fun for the BCS and all the college football fans. In honor of the Moustache and Dave Wannstedt, this week’s column is for him!

Manwich Matchup of the Week
SD @ Tenn – Clearly, this is the most important game of the week. Both teams have 7 wins and are looking to get to the playoffs… Wannstedt would probably choose the Titans because their coach has a moustache, but it’s just not as distinguished.
Pick: SD

Upset of the Week
Tampa Bay @ Houston – Wannstedt was the 1994 NFC Coach of the year! This was also the same year that the Houston OILERS named another man as their coach, Jeff Fisher, in the hopes that his moustache would bring success to the city of Houston.
Pick: Houston

KC @ Denver – Deadspin had a sweet comment on Wannstedt: “Has anyone ever noticed that Wannstedt looks like Tommy Lee Jones' character ("Two-Face" or whatever it is) in one of those Batman movies? His face has a handsome side with a clear complexion and a full mustache, mirrored by an ugly side with a craggy complexion and a sparse moustache. It really is carnie freakshow stuff.”
Pick: Denver

Chicago @ Wash – Wannstedt first established himself as a pathetic head coach while he was the Bears head coach from 1993 – 1998… who did he succeed there? Mike Ditka!
Pick: Washington

CAR @ Jacksonville – The Jags will get back on track. Dave Wannstedt rules.
Pick: Jack-o

Dallas @ Detroit – Wannstedt was the defensive coordinator during the Cowboys’ glory days in the 1990s. Perhaps Wannstedt’s greatest achievement related to the Cowboys, was when he beat the Cowboys thoroughly in 2003 as coach of the Dolphins and then his players gave Coach Wannstedt a game ball! Check out this video that proves it!
Pick: Dallas

Miami @ Buff – I didn’t realize this, but Wannstedt was actually the Dolphins’ defensive coordinator under Jimmy Johnson in 1999, before becoming head coach in 2000. Wikipedia, at this moment, has a great quote on his Miami tenure: “Wannstedt, however, was highly criticized after a 27-0 blowout loss in the second round of the playoffs against the Oakland Raiders. The week before, in a game against Indianapolis Colts, Wannstedt had run the ball with Lamar Smith forty times in an overtime victory. This rendered Smith barely able to walk the next day, and virtually useless for their next game against the Raiders. Wannstedt would end up doing this several times in Miami before he would resign.”
Pick: Buff

Giants @ Philly- I actually found a blog that supports Coach Wannstedt and doesn’t want him to get fired because all of his players were injured this year.
Pick: Giants

Oakland @ Green Bay- One Dolphins fan started a “fire Wannstedt” website in 2002 and had to wait quite a while. They did have this sweet picture with Wannstedt’s head on a ballerina.
Pick: Green Bay

Pitt @ New England – Wikipedia claims that Wannstedt was a finalist for the Pittsburgh job in 1992… but got beat out by Bill Cowher! Talk about a facial hair battle royale!
Pick: New England

St. Louis @ Cincy – Check out this controversial quote on wikipedia, which make such a leap it’s pretty funny: “The 2004 season turned out to be a disaster from the beginning. Star running back Ricky Williams retired from football in the face of drug abuse charges and fear of being over-used as he was in the previous season, Randy McMichael was arrested for domestic abuse, and newly acquired receiver David Boston injured himself in training camp and was lost for the season. Many believed that most, if not all of the things that happened that offseason were a direct result of Wannstedt's lack of discipline and overall knowledge of the game.”
Under the same logic, we should blame Cincy head coach Marvin Lewis for all the arrests that happened, because he too has a “lack of discipline and overall knowledge of the game!”
Pick: Cincy

Arizona @ Seattle – Another site dedicated to getting Wannstedt fired… Notice no one tells him to shave the moustache.
Pick: Seattle

Minny @ San Fran – During the 1994 season, Coach Wannstedt led the Bears to the playoffs and even won a game in the playoffs, over Minnesota. The 1994 Season was one of the times when the NFC Central division would hold their own version of the “Norris division playoffs” – with the 1st place team in the division playing the 4th place team, and the 2nd and 3rd place teams squaring off. Chris Berman dubbed this the “Norris division playoffs” and it still makes me laugh (the reference is in honor to the old NHL divisions, one of which was called the Norris, where that was the playoff format, with every division having 4 playoff teams).
Pick: Minny

Cleveland @ Jets- Wannstedt’s last game in the NFL was against the Jets – where he was beat down 41-14 and the Dolphins had slipped to 1-7. Wannstedt was using the Feeley-Fiedler QB duo that season!
Pick: Cleveland

Indy @ Baltimore –Coach Wannstedt’s 2nd, and last???, playoff win came against Indy in the 2000 season when Coach Wannstedt was head of the Dolphins.
Pick: Indy

New Orleans @ Atlanta- Wannstedt has a moustache. Did you know that?
Pick: New Orleans

Last Week: 7-9 (back to reality)
Season: 119-73
Manwich: 10-3 (Thank you Cowboys.)
Upset of the Week: 6-7 (The Jags couldn’t quite do it against the Colts)