Saturday, April 30, 2005

New York Sports Report

A bunch of issues to rip on this morning...

1. The New York Knicks should absolutely NOT even consider hiring PJ Carlesimo as their next head coach. The guy was a complete failure in 6 seasons at Portland and Golden State (183-222 in the regular season, 3-9 in the playoffs). I also think the incident with Sprewell back in 1998 is a good enough reason to disqualify him for life from being a head coach. I know most people out there think Sprewell is a sociopath and that Carlesimo was just the poor guy caught up in that mess but I am pretty certain that PJ was pressing buttons that day. Do I believe in a head coach using any and every method at his disposal to teach and motivate his players? Yes I do. But I'm sure PJ crossed the line and probably said something that African-Americans across the country would deem offensive. We don't need a guy that brings negative baggage to a team and a city that thrives on negative press. Here's a novel idea -- why not just keep Herb Williams and take the interim tag off his title? He's been with the franchise since 1993, he's got the respect of his players and the fans all love him. Instead of bringing in a re-tread or trying to get a high-profile guy, let's try and do things the right way. This team isn't winning in the next 4 years. Let's let Herb make his bones here.

2. George Steinbrenner should get on the phone and call the team's lawyer and CFO. Find out what it costs to fire Torre and Cashman and then write the check to do it. The Yanks are no longer responding to the kindly old man (Torre) and it's clear as day that Cashman is a shitty talent evaluator (Wright? Womack? Quantrill? Karsay? Felix Rodriguez? Mike Stanton, part deux?). As much as I love Jeter and Tino, they're among the few on the team that truly want to win (Rivera, Posada, Bernie, Sheff and Matsui are the only others) and I don't think they command the clubhouse respect to get through to losers like Mussina and Giambi. Those two douchebags are happy to show up to work sucking ass. What do they care? They're rich enough and they prefer the tee-times on the west coast in early October.

2a. For those of you who actually believe that firing Torre would be unfair because a) he's a good manager, b) it's not his fault the team is playing like shit or c) some combination of the first two...get real. Any team that doesn't fire its head coach and GM in the face of the biggest playoff collapse in sports history (and to its biggest rival) is completely f-ing up its priorities. What do you suppose would happen if Coke's share price, market share and earnings all went in the shitter in the same year that Pepsi's share price, market share and earnings all went up? Coke's shareholders would raise holy hell at the annual meeting. That's what SHOULD'VE happened last November. Throw in the fact that Torre grossly mismanaged Games 4-5 in the ALCS (pop quiz Joe, there's a knuckleballer on the mound and he's throwing wild pitches, what do you do? RUN ON HIM, you f-ing moron!) and that he doesn't ever light a fire under the asses of underperforming players and you have a recipe for a team called "Complacency and Boredom -- Exhibit A"

3. While we're busy firing people, Giants GM Ernie Accorsi should be sent packing too. The Giants are like your grandpa -- solid, dependable, well-respected in the community but too goddamn old-fashioned to be taken seriously anymore. This goes back about 15 years to when George Young was in charge. Do you remember George Young? He wore Kennedy-era glasses (the kind with the black frame on top like Michael Douglas wore in "Falling Down"). He personally hired Accorsi from the Browns to be his successor. Between the two of them, we have more botched drafts, bad signings, poor coaching hires, salary cap problems and free agent defections than anyone but the Chicago Bears. When they signed Jim Miller to be Eli's backup, it might have been a good idea to ask something like, "So, Jim, planning any major surgery in the near future?" Miller's done for the year with hip surgery this week. Nice backup QB guys.

Friday, April 29, 2005

Shut Your Piehole! #2

Last night on SportsCenter, Greg Anthony was asked what Memphis should have learned from losing the first two games of its playoff series to the Phoenix Suns. His response:

"Well, they learned that they cannot try and beat Phoenix at their game. They're not going to outscore, outrun the Suns..."

The Suns' game is to outscore the other team? Memphis isn't going to win the outscoring contest? Well shit...guess we may as well call the rest of the series off! After all, Memphis is winless this year when their opponents score more points than they do.

Greg Anthony - Shut Your Piehole!

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

The Worst Comebacks from Retirement

After the Washington Redskins gave up multiple draft picks to draft a questionable QB (Campbell from Auburn) who has the IQ of Forrest Gump, I asked myself, “What the hell is Joe Gibbs doing?” They have 1st round money locked up with Ramsey, AND they are spending $8 million a year on Mark Brunell, who they traded for the previous year. That’s a lot of resources they are using for QB.

So I then decided to countdown the
WORST Comebacks from Retirement.

I’m trying to focus on people who really went out on top, or had great reputations, only to have completely forgettable performances when coming out of retirement.

Editor’s Note: I am bound to leave many off this list, so don’t feel insulted. Please just post any others you can think of.

5. Joe Gibbs, 2004
It’s still up in the air at this point, considering it’s only his 2nd year back. Nonetheless, if you go out after winning 3 super bowls, it’s going to be hard to gain that glory back. Especially when you haven’t picked up a copy of “Idiot’s Guide to the Salary Cap.”

4. Michael Jordan’s 2nd comeback w/ the Wizards
This was just ridiculous from the get-go. Asking “what 2 teams did MJ play for?” is perhaps a funny trivia question, because he also played for that Chicago White Sox minor league team.

3. Magic Johnson, 1995 or 1996?
I already have tried to block this from my money. If memory serves me right, he also tried being the coach for 15 games after “The Magic Show” got cancelled.

2. “Cosby” 1996
After “The Cosby Show” went out on top in the early ‘90s, Bill Cosby decided to do the show again – on the WB. Let’s just say this idea was about as good as doing Leonard Part 6.

1. Herb Brooks, 2002 Olympic Hockey Team
Brooks coached the 1980 US Olympic Hockey Team to the gold medal in what’s known as the “Miracle on Ice”. Brooks decided to coach NHL players in 2002, the first time pro players participated. The US team failed to medal, and trashed their hotel rooms in order to make sure that more countries knew how obnoxious Americans really are. I’m still trying to gain the rights to this story in order to make a movie I will call - “Debacle” ---- a sequel to Disney’s “Miracle” movie.

Monday, April 25, 2005

NFL Draft

Ok, so I never actually made it to a computer to log on and post from the NFL draft but here's what went on...

I checked in at the staff desk at 8:40 on Saturday morning. I was fully pumped up to be working the greatest non-sports sports event in the world. As I signed in and received my credential for the day, Mel Kiper walks by. He's skinnier and punier than you'd think. It's true, TV adds 10 lbs. His hair was perfect.

After getting the rundown on what I'd be doing, my team of 4 was walked through the bowels of the Jacob Javits Convention Center. I got to see the corporate hospitality suites, the Fan Draft Room, the actual draft room (I thought about stealing a Browns helmet-phone but thought it might be career-suicide), and the green room.

After the walk-through, my little team of 4 stood outside, getting all the meat-heads to sign waiver forms to get into the event. That was the best part of the day. Hanging out with diehard football fans is one of the great things about this country. Soccer diehards are a bunch of hooligans who maim and kill based on ethnic, racial and religious grounds. Football diehards get together and chant "Dallas Sucks!" over and over until it gets old. Walking the crowd, a bunch of people called me out with a "Hey! There's Kurt Warner!" (yes, I admit, I look a little like Kurt Warner).

After getting everyone to fill out waivers, I helped out on getting the draft invitees and their families/possees into the green room. Now I'm a big guy (6'2" 265) but I felt like these guys could kick my ass blindfolded.

My shift ended at 11 AM and I got to hang out in the draft room for a while, just taking it all in. I got a gift bag for my efforts, to boot! All in all, a lot of fun.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

The greatest Non-Sport Sport Event

I heard this line repeated a lot by ESPN. The NFL Draft is the greatest Non-Sport Sport Event. Is there really any other non-sport sport event? There's the NBA lottery pick. That's kind of cool for those of like watching Isiah Thomas smile or watch whoever the GM at the moment in Golden States as he/she/it rubs a lucky rabbit foots. There's also Congress yelling at browbeating baseball players far more than they were towards people (and I use that in the loosest of terms) from Enron.

Nonetheless here's a few thoughts from the draft:
1) I like what the Cleveland Browns did. Now this of course is relative to what they did under the tyrannical rule of Emperor Butch Davis the First (a man whose head is so far up his ass, we can't tell if he's speaking or farting). Nonetheless they addressed positions of need but didn't force it (e.g. went for the best value). Now I think there is a fair debate as to Mike WIlliams v. Brayleon Edwards. Edwards does have a penchant for dropping the ball but I like going to Edwards because of the speed. Speed forces safeties to commit which opens up the middle of the field for a TE (namely Winslow). I typically think its rough grading a draft right away (remember how the Eagles were panned for drafting corners even though they had 2 great ones.) but all in all a good day for the Browns

2) Craziest draft strategy was a race between Washington and Detroit. I'm not going to directly attack either. Mike Williams could be all that in which case Detroit is sitting pretty (assuming they have a quarterback that understands you need to get the ball to receivers on the fly not on one bounce) however 3 first round drafts on receivers is a risky thing. Washington gave up a hell of a lot for Jason Campbell. The rumors going around about Campbell is that he had a wonderlic score of 7 . Reading comic books let alone defenses is tough with a score like that.

3) Solid draft I have to give to Baltimore, Dallas and Minnesota. All got high qualities and addressed needs

4) Changing anyone suprised Jaret Wright got injured? And do the Yanks have anyone to replace him? As I said in an earlier post (not to tute my own horn, at least not in public) Yanks are injury prone and I'm not sure how well they can sustain those losses.

5) Its still April but if the Dodgers end up running away with NL West let alone the NL theres a lot of baseball prognasticators thatll need to do public apologies

6) I remember when some NBA pundits laughed when Detroit said they didn't want Carmello Anthony because Tayshoun Prince was that good. Nobody should be laughing now (well maybe over Darko) but as an all around team player its a good question who would rather want on your playoff team Prince or Anthony.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

NBA Playoff Preview

I’m going to try my hardest not to mention a certain team that had one of the worst collapses in NBA History. With that said, let’s get to the matchups!

Eastern Conference
#1 Miami vs. #8 New Jersey
-As long as Shaq is healthy, the Heat should be fine. There’s just no way that New Jersey can match up to the frontcourt of the Heat’s. Vinsanity Carter has been playing out of his mind, but so has Dwayne Wayne Wade.
Pick: Miami

#4 Chicago vs. #5 Washington
This will be a very entertaining series. It’s a shame that Curry can no longer play for the Bulls, as well as Deng, and that should be enough for Washington to move to the next round. Larry Hughes is healthy and playing great, and Washington (Golden State East) – with Jamison, Hughes, and Arenas should be able to move to the next round. If the Wizards had Earl Boykins there's no telling how far they could go.
Pick: Washington

#2 Detroit vs. #7 Philly
-This will be the series when everyone realizes that Webber is completely useless defensively. Iverson’s been playing great, but the Pistons have too many ways to just punish the 76ers.
Pick: Detroit

#3 Boston vs. #6 Indiana
-Why do these 2 teams keep playing each other? It seems like its every year at this point. Coach Carlisle has his guys playing great. If O’Neal and Tinsley come back, the Pacers should win this one. In addition, Reggie Miller has found the fountain of youth of late, averaging near 20 ppg.
Pick: Indiana

Miami vs. Washington – Miami – It’s been a great ride for the Wizards (and the heartbroken Golden State Warrior fans), but they will just be out of their league at this point.
Pick: Miami

Detroit vs. Indiana – If you ever expected a media circus, this will be the series! I’m expecting that by game 3, all games will move into the “Steel Cage” format. There’s no other way to keep everyone safe. It would be great- players chasing loose balls, crashing into the cage. Now, the ultimate question- “Is Ron Artest allowed to watch the game from the stands?”. Ultimately, I’m going with the Pistons.
Pick: Detroit

Miami vs. Detroit – The matchup everyone wants. But in the end, Never doubt Shaq. Unless he’s injured (which apparently, he is at the time I’m writing this!).
Pick: Detroit

Western Conference
#1 Phoenix vs. #8 Memphis –
Oh yeah. Run-n-gun Phoenix marches in as the top seed. It’s very exciting. I had them as a surprise team to make the playoffs- but never to be this good.
Pick: Phoenix

#4 Dallas vs. #5 Houston
The Mavs actually figured out a decent rotation and have been playing some great ball. I wonder if more teams will create a semi-internship for prospective coaches, like they did with Avery Johnson. I'd sign up for that. I still don’t think that Houston has figured out how to use Yao appropriately.
Pick: Dallas

#2 San Antonio vs. #7 Denver –
This might be the most intriguing series. Denver has been the best team in the league since hiring George Karl. The funny thing is, the Spurs have a knack for drawing teams that will give them problems, like suddenly having the Lakers in the 2nd round last year. I’m assuming that Duncan will find a way, though I’m extremely tempted to go with Denver. Boykins.
Pick: San Antonio

#3 Seattle v. #6 Sacramento
This is the series no one wants to see. Seattle just hit the wall the last couple of months and has not been playing that well. Meanwhile, Sacramento has tons of injuries. I’m not sure who will have anything left. I’m sticking with Ray Allen in a contract year.
Pick: Seattle

Phoenix vs. Dallas
This will be an incredible series - Steve Nash versus his old team. In addition, these 2 teams have been playing great and both play fast-paced offensive-minded games. I really don’t think that Dirk will be able to handle guarding Amare. If it wasn’t for Lebron, Amare would be hyped more than anyone else in the league.
Pick: Phoenix

San Antonio vs. Seattle
This is the series where everyone will be wondering how Seattle won 52 games without any frontcourt depth. There’s just no way Seattle could survive this matchup, short of them shooting 50% from the 3-point land like they did for the first 3 months of the season.
Pick: San Antonio

Phoenix vs. San Antonio
All season long, the Spurs have just manhandled the Suns because they just wear down Nash by making him run through a lot of picks. Then, Nash is out of energy on the offensive end. It’s strange how other teams don’t watch game film. There's talk of Nash winning MVP but the man can't play defense at all.
Pick: San Antonio

NBA Finals
San Antonio vs. Detroit
Yes, I’m sticking with my pre-season pick. Ultimately though, I’m going with Duncan, Parker, and Manu. I’m expecting Larry Brown to retire during Game 2, and then the Pistons will lose out the series. The hardest thing about this pick- the Spurs surviving the 1st round against the Nuggets!
Pick: San Antonio

Peter Gammons: Bombast and Stupidity (Part I)

Ever since Mikey invited me to become a regular contributor to "Back Seat Drivers" I've wanted to come up with an idea for a regular column that I could put out once a week that would have enough material to last for a while. I think I've come up with that idea. I will now put out a weekly column entitled Peter Gammons: Bombast and Stupidity. As you can imagine from the title, it will focus on my least favorite baseball writer and all of the totally ridiculous things he says as a paid employee of ESPN (a media source rivaling Tom DeLay for moronic viewpoints and self-absorption). So without further ado, I bring you Part I of my new column...

Peter Gammons keeps a list by his bedside tables of players that he loves and thinks of as "wonderful human beings." For starters, I've never been interested to know who Gammons considers a humanitarian because I'm reading or watching him for his "insight" on baseball, not on updates on the Nobel Peace Prize selection proceedings. Beyond that, Gammons gets fixated on players for one reason or another and won't let them out of his death-grip of latent fetishistic desire (I'm trying to be PC here because I know I can be offensive sometimes). Anyway, one such player that Gammons has a hard-on for is Jim Edmonds. Sure, Edmonds has had a pretty nice career with 300 homers and a career .294 average but Gammons won't stop gushing about how Edmonds is one of the best fielders to have played the centerfield position. Oh really? Did anyone watch the Cubs-Cardinals game last night on ESPN2? Did anyone notice that not one, not two, but three balls landed in front of Edmonds and then got past him all the way to the wall? One of those hits was a triple by a fatty named Carlos Zambrano who, by the way, is a pitcher.

What I'm saying here is that Edmonds makes a nice highlight reel catch every now and again. In his younger days, he'd make spectacular grabs on a routine basis. Those days are long gone. Edmonds is now a player who benefited from McGwire's training regimen of steroids in the buttcheek at noon and cream on his shrinking nuts right before gametime. Fielding isn't as fun as hitting homers and it shows in Edmonds' game.

Gammons is stuck in a time-warp and babbles incessantly about wonderful Edmonds is in the field. All I ask is that the dean of baseball writers get his hand out of Edmonds' ass. Be careful there, Peter, any further up and you're going to lose your wristwatch.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Good Player Graveyard

That's what Yankee Stadium has become. In their most recent run to glory from 1996-2000, the Yanks could sign anyone and rejuvenate their careers for a week, a month, a season, just long enough to get the wins they needed. Now, players come to NY to die. Case in point: Randy Johnson.

I can't figure this out. Here's a guy who's been in the AL before. He's won and won big in the AL before. Sure, he's been in the NL for the last 5 1/2 years but hitters are hitters and a dominant pitcher shouldn't completely forget how to pitch just because he's changed leagues. Curt Schilling had a total of 5 AL starts in 1988-1989 before coming back to the junior circuit last year. He's old, he's brittle and he's found the AL to be no harder than the NL. The reason? Talent. I don't understand where Randy Johnson's talent has gone. All I know is that there must be a voodoo doll out there wearing Pinstripes. AEPi's softball team was better than the 2005 Yanks are right now.

PS -- Since I invoked AEPi's softball team, I felt the need to mention the following:

Todd Goren, if you can hear this, no one has forgiven you for dropping the third out on a routine popup at 2nd base in 1997. The very next pitch, Dave Forman of ZBT smacked Dazzlin' Dave Chatoff's meatball to the corner of Forsyth and Big Bend ON A FLY for the game winning grand slam.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Make a Brand New Start of It

Anyone else think that cutting the Shea Stadium outfield grass to look like the NYC skyline looks horrible?

(Mikey, help me out - how do I add a picture to this post?)

Questions, Questions

Well due to time constraints I have decided instead of my usual witty commentary merely to ask a number of quesitons to provoke and insult Also I'm asking questions because my contract forbids me from using fan mail as filler. So here we go

Mt. Steinbrenner?

Well the Yanks are off to a slow start. A-Rod, at least in the clutch, is almost as big of a choke as the Cavs are (don't even get me started on them). The pitching staff has been preocupied with social security changes and has been shelled. Lurking in the background if of course Grand Moff Steinbrenner (fear will keep this team in line, fear of this battlestation). So my question is how long until Steinbrenner use the Death Star against the Yankees and/or replaces them with cheap Chinese imports.

Baseball in DC?
Apparently they have baseball in the metro-DC area. In fact they have two teams now. Both are doing well. According to my inside sources (read listening to sports radio) Tejada is not only the best shortstop at the moment but has fully returned to his MVP playing form. Can this continue? Does he also play for the Nationals or has Bush just decreed that all Washington teams must win (I think that was following his decree that every second Sunday he gets a pony ride)

NFL Draft?
I have feeling that there's going to be a lot of wheeling and dealing. Lot of teams are looking to trade down, Minnesota has 2-3 opportunities to forget to draft a player and I think even Mo gets a compensatory draft pick in between rounds 2 -3. Where will the first trade be? Will da Bears do anything to help their team? Would it be humanly possible for the Browns to have a worse draft than last year (note last year at the end of the season the Browns had exactly 0 of last year's draft picks playing)

(On a final note I have been fairly impressed with the ChiSox retooled pitching staff but its also in my contract never ever to say anything nice about anything involving the South Side of Chicago).

Sunday, April 17, 2005


If you tuned in to ESPN for any 7-second period on Thursday night, you saw a clip of the Gary Sheffield incident at Fenway Park. I'll hold off on my overall positive reaction to Sheffield's conduct and negative reaction to the asshole "fan" who instigated the whole affair - because I was most struck by Red Sox manager Terry Francona's impression of the evening:

“It’s the way it’s probably going to be,” Francona said. “We have two great teams and two great baseball cities and a lot of emotion.”


This is the MANAGER of the Red Sox, the most-visible and most public face of the Red Sox office. That's all he has to say? No rebuke of the idiot who started this thing? No plea with Red Sox Nation to put a better face forward for the world to day? Nope - just a shrug of the shoulders. That's all we got.

Shame on you, Terry Francona. You have an obligation, as a leader, to set the right example. You failed miserably!

Friday, April 15, 2005

New England Safari

If anyone with an adventurous spirit wants to go to Africa on safari to check out wild animals, may I recommend a more affordable alternative -- New England. Specifically, if you'd like to observe the uncivilized plains and the untamed beasts, stop by Fenway Park. You might see drunken louts and savage fools and if you're really lucky, you might see them trying to kill one another.

For all the Yankee haters out there, I present something worse. Exhibit A: the complete imbecilic nature of the New England sports fan. Lets not confuse zeal for mental retardation, fellas.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

NFL Draft Preview - Antrel vs. Samari

Well, the draft is about 10 days away. It’s time for a little analysis and predictions, of which I am not at all qualified to make. So certainly don’t gamble on any of these picks. I’m only going to highlight players that most of us know, so I’m only picking the...

Elite Eight

1. San Fran – Rodgers- QB – Cal
This guy will suck. I was excited to see this guy in the Bowl Game this January. He looked awful though. Balls were skipping into the receiver arms. It was like he had never read a non-Pac-10 defense. Actually, that was exactly the problem.
2. Miami – Ronnie Brown- RB– Auburn
Honestly, both of the Auburn RBs are awesome. You can’t go wrong with either. Either you take the smaller, faster Brown, or you’re driving a Cadillac.
3. Cleveland – Braylon Edwards -WR – Michigan
I pray that the Browns can trade down. Without any top talent available, the Browns will probably be stuck with this pick. I strongly believe the Browns are better off AVOIDING taking a QB (like Alex Smith of Utah) in the 1st round. I don’t think he’s that great of a prospect to command pick #3 money. In addition, the Browns are going to be horrible this year no matter what happens. Let Dilfer be the starter, pick up a QB in next year’s draft (or in one of the later rounds this year). Dilfer can hold down the fort for 2 years while the Browns win 5 and then 7 games the next 2 years. I really don’t think you need a top-5 QB to win. You just need smart scouting to pick a QB in a later round, or pluck a backup from some other team.
Now, as for Edwards, I don’t like him. I think he’s fast, but I don’t think he has the best hands. For some reason, I’ve seen him drop many balls. With the ball he’s dangerous. This has all the makings of a Quincy Morgan for the Browns – a tall, fast guy who just drops everything. I only can hope the Browns take Mike Williams if they opt for a WR.
4. Chicago – Cadillac Williams- RB – Auburn
5. Tampa Bay – some defensive player

I only know that Tampa gave up a lot of points last year.
6. Tennesee – Antrel Rolle- CB – Miami
I was reading an article last year detailing how utterly annoyed Antrel has been throughout his 4 years at Miami. Apparently, everyone thinks that he is related to Samari Rolle, who also was an All-American CB at Miami. They are not related at all, and Antrel is sick of explaining it, or so the story goes. Well, I think it's only DESTINY at this point for Antrel to replace Samari at Tennessee. Then, during the season, Antrel will take cheap shots at WRs who ask him how his big brother Samari is doing.
7. Minnesota – Mike Williams- WR – USC
See, IF the Browns decide to take a WR, this is the guy I would want. Everyone forgets just because Williams took the year off, but he was incredible at USC. If Minnesota gets Mike Williams, there might not be that much of a drop-off from the departed Randy Moss to Williams. Yes, I said Moss to Williams is not much of a drop-off. If the Vikings land Mike Williams they will win the division!
8. Arizona – Alex Smith- QB – Utah
QBs always have a way of finding their way to Coach Dennis Green. Yes, they have Kurt Warner now, but Green never hesitates on passing on a prospect. Green selected Culpepper, when Randall Cunningham was coming off an All-Pro year.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Why The Bulls Will Not Win The Championship

This morning, on SportsCenter, Mike Tirico asked Steve "Snapper" Jones and Bill Walton if there was an Eastern Conference team that could upset Miami and Detroit and reach the NBA Finals. Jones mentioned Indiana, saying that if Jermaine O'Neal is healthy, that team could make a serious run.

Walton's answer? "Chicago."

1 Week Down

Well the first week of baseball is in the books and we've learned absolutely nothing. Nonetheless a few thoughts, thinkings, musings on the past, present, future and Hart's choice in clothing.

1) What is about New York and forgetting about bullpens? The Yanks lynchpin in the form of Rivera has been rocked this week. Its unclear if he has a lot of rust, the mileage is finally catching up or Boston just has his number. Nonetheless for Yanks fans its troubling. That other New York Team seems to have blackhole instead of a bullpen. They might have a lead going in but once the bullpen takes over hope vanishes into the abyss. I, for one, think they should call up Mr. Met and put him in. Could he really do a worse job?

2) Parity? At one point that I'm writing this in the AL there is currently only one team thats two games under .500 (Boston). Thats pretty crazy. Did someone send out the memo confusing football with baseball? I'm not sure what this means and I doubt we'll have the same parity in July as we do in week 1 but remember this: a pennant is not won in April and May but it can be lost. The chances of winning the pennant when one has a losing record in the first few months is slightly lower than Hart wearing matching socks.

3) The Baby Bulls have been annointed by Bill Walton, which means they will obviously lose, possibly to the AEPi B team. However I wouldn't discount some upsets going on out West. Denver has been a tear since George Karl taught the kiddies how to play as a team and nobody wants to play them. While the NBA is typically has the most boring of the professional sport's playoffs, I'm looking foward to seeing how the run and gun offenses of Seattle, Phoenix and I'm told Boston do.

4) The NFL draft is coming up and if you can name who will be taken in the top ten slots you win a free hot dog (note hot dog will only be served with mustard and relish if you are in Chicago). It should be interesting as wheeling, dealing and the most importantly the Minnesota Vikings will all be present. Will Minnesota remember to draft someone? Will Mike Tice scalp his tickets to the draft in exchange for a 6 pack of Budweiser and a coupon for a free Big Mac? Most importantly one of our star contributors, Mo, will be on location at the draft providing riveting commentary, a running blog and possibly serving donuts to Bill Belichek (he loves those donuts).

Thursday, April 07, 2005

The Michael Vick Experience

For those readers of this blog who were thinking of heading down to Atlanta to try and "score" with Michael Vick, make sure you know what you're getting into. He's got genital herpes!

Yes, folks, that's right, by riding on The Michael Vick Experience, you've won a lifetime of scorn and shame by having a permanent and foul condition located right in your groin area!


Why Whiners Aren't Winners

"What can he do next year? Win another championship? Be the
M.V.P. again? It's boring. I'm nosy. I'd like to know why he's staying. Because
it's not the norm anymore."

-Vince Carter, on Sean May

Vin, Vinny, Vince, my man, you're an idiot. You took your team to two consecutive Final Fours and then opted out after junior year. You came in and took the NBA by storm in your first three seasons. Since then, you've been a crybaby, a whiner, a loser and a nobody. You quit on your team in Toronto and you admitted it. Now you're in New Jersey playing for a team that is anonymous in the league and in its own home market. You might be a millionaire but you're a worthless piece of shit. If winning one title and an MVP in the same season is enough for you to say that trying for another is "boring" then all I can say is I hope you never win a title just so you can stay focused and sharp. Keep on clawing back up the ladder of relevance pal, I'm sure this is more fun than, say, winning anything.

Sean May, if you're listening, don't take Uncle Vince's advice. It's great that you're staying in school. No matter what happens, you're a winner and they can't take that away from you. You're going to be the #1 draft pick in 2006 and you're going to be a better player in the NBA for sticking around with Coach Williams. Maybe one day when you and Vince are squaring off in The Show, you can let him know that you're still hungry to win because you've seen the top and you want more.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Baseball Predictions

After three tremendous victories in the form of divisional previews, I lost all control and completely blew my mission. Hey, sounds like the 2004 Yankees! With that, an abbreviated set of predictions:

AL East: Boston. At least over 162 games, the Red Sox will trump the Yankees.
AL Central: Minnesota. Keep an eye on Cleveland and Chicago though.
AL West: Anaheim (that's right, ANAHEIM) running away.
AL Wild Card: Yankees. No contest.

NL East: Florida. But if Burnett and Beckett can't stay healthy? Atlanta.
NL Central: The St. Louis F'in Cardinals.
NL West: Los Angeles Dodgers. No Bonds, no dice for the Giants.
NL Wild Card: Atlanta, very very narrowly over a host of teams, including the Cubs, Astros, Giants and Padres.

ALDS: Boston over Minnesota, Anaheim over New York. Sorry Mo - but if your buddy Mo Rivera doesn't get it together, your team can only get into October, and no further.
ALCS: Boston over Anaheim. Angels' lack of true pitching studs will finally catch up to them.

NLDS: Florida over St. Louis, Braves over Los Angeles. Watch as pitching carries the day.
NLCS: Florida over Atlanta. I hate the fish.

World Series: Could it be? Boston repeats.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

The Wrong Guy Got the Axe (Sort of)

I’ve been so pre-occupied by the possibly the greatest NCAA Tournament in the history of mankind, I forgot to even mention the fact that Cleveland Cavaliers Coach Paul Silas got fired about 2 weeks ago.

I was kind of surprised, since there wasn’t much left in the season. Then again, there are a number of reasons why I wasn’t surprised.

1) Silas is so old-school, he refuses to even contemplate teaching his players how to play zone. Well, they weren’t allowed to do that when Silas was playing, so it just isn’t right obviously.

2) Silas is so old-school, that if you do something wrong, you get benched for multiple games. Unless you are lucky enough to be named Lebron or Zydrunas, at any moment you could be benched. The main reason the Cavs were so successful the first half of the season was that PG Jeff McInnis was playing fantastic – shooting 3s and running the offense better than he did when he was back at UNC with Stackhouse & Rasheed. BUT, McInnis hit the wall at the All-Star break, started to not shoot as well, and Silas just benched him.

3) Silas is so old-school, that when he gets frustrated during a game, he throws one hand up, throws it down in disgusts, and then just stares at his freshly shined shoes.
4) Lebron probably hated Silas.

But, it is important to note, that the person who REALLY deserved the blame for Lebron’s lack of support is GM John Paxson. As a member of the Paxson family, there is a certain amount of arrogance. I hate to reiterate Paxson’s track record, but it deserves repeating.

He traded a 1st round pick this year for Jiri Welsch who was shooting a blister 33% from 3-point land.
He traded a 1st round pick last summer for Sasha Pavolovic. I actually don’t mind Sasha except for some reason he doesn’t understand anything about playing defense.
Carlos “gave me his word” Boozer.
Trajan Langdon.
DeSagna Diop.

So, it’s only a matter of time until Paxson’s head rolls. The new Cavs ownership will not take this. In the words of the Cavs' new 1.2% owner, Usher: “Yeeah!”

Personally, I only wish the Cavs could have been a reality show this year. High hopes. Rookie Luke Jackson has back surgery. Benching Drew Gooden at random times. 2 All-stars. Trading for Jiri Welsch, who I’m sure is not friends with anyone on the team. New ownership group. Secret alliance by Paxson to have the coach fired. It would be sensational television!

In the end, Paxson will get fired, the new ownership will install a scouting department (the same fix will work for the Browns I hope), Lebron will get a supporting cast, and everyone will live happily ever after with a championship. I can dream. “Yeeah!”

The Champs!


And there was much rejoicing in the Cohen household, its good to be the king.

Sunday, April 03, 2005


ESPN has apparently misplaced the Midwest, possibly due to an intern error. For those of you not currently residing in a landlocked area, after careful scientific study, there are people inhabiting the areas West of the Boston-New York-DC megalopolis. I'm uncertain if people would realize that since apparently baseball has contracted and has left only the Yankees and Red Sox to play or think about playing on another. After watching ESPN and Dan Patrick, the smarmy egotistical, unfunny, host of SportsCenter for several weeks I would be hard pressed to figure out who was in the World Series besides Boston ( the Saint Louis Cardinals) or if LA has a team (they technically have 1.5 ) or if the Windy City has electricty (yes but you still don't want to go to South side). So its easy to see how a spillover effect could lead one to bemoan not seeing the 2-3 zone of Syracuse or players so stupid that they leave a college campus to score some pot (UConn).

But I for one am fairly happy with Illinois v UNC. The two best teams all season squaring off for one game. Both up tempo style, both laden with NBA talent, both public schools (enjoy that while it lasts). Three keys the game : 1) Illinois: hot or not? UNC doesn't rotate well on defense, if Illinois can make them pay from 3 point land its all over ; 2) Rebounding - Louisville beat up Illinois on the boards pretty bad before they imploded. UNC is a far better rebounding team. Illinois can't give up too many second chance points; 3) Turnovers - Illinois beat Arizona by stealing the ball eleventy billion times in a row, UNC needs Raymond Felton to run the show.

Also since today is the start of baseball season here's my list of predictions. I'm sure the baseball crowd will have far better predictions but here goes:
AL EAST: Red Sox
AL West: Angels
AL Wild Card: Yankees
AL Suprise Team: Detroit
NL East: Florida
NL Central: Cardinals
NL West: San Francisco
NL Wild Card: San Diego
NL Suprise: Hart catches a fly ball.

World Series: Red Sox over San Francisco (if Bonds returns, if not over the Cards)

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Hicks v. Rednecks

U of I and UNC are now in the finals. This matchup will give central Illinoisan hicks and tobaccky-road North Carolinian rednecks somethin' to go a-hootin' an a-hollerin' about. I miss East Coast Bias. Wherefore art thou UConn and 'Cuse?

But seriously folks....

It should be a great game. I'm glad that Roy Williams is in the finals with a chance to win. I'm rooting for UNC because of Roy; I think he deserves to finally get that trophy.