Well following up on Hart's expert analysis of the AL Central, I thought it would be appropriate to take a step back and look at both Centrals, using Aristotelean analysis. What is Aristotelean analysis, you ask? Webster defines it as: Of or relating to Aristotle or to his philosophy. I hope that clears things up. Nonetheless here's a few reasons why I'm centering on the Centrals
1. They have fans that have highest rate of ugliness and stupidity. Unfortunately its mainly because Chicago White Sox fans skew the distribution.
2. They have the Stadium that not only has the highest homicide rate but also the most number of Domino pizzas per Capita. This is of course Detroit. I'm not sure if there's a causal story like people that kill other people tend to eat Dominos Pizza afterwards but its something worth investigating.
3. I see all of my baseball in the Centrals. When you think of baseball, obviously you think of me, Michael Cohen. However due to my Midwest Heritage and current location most of my viewing of baseball happens here, in the Midwest. As such by definition interest: love of baseball centers on the Centrals.
4. Radio Announcers. Baseball remains best when listened to via the radio. The Centrals have long and pantheon like list of famous radio announcers. From Jack Buck to Harry Carey to Herb Score to Bob Uecker. Today's generation of announcers are no less accredited from Tom Hamilton in Cleveland to Tony Danza in Chicago to Mr. Met in Pittsburgh (it was part of a trade).
Nonetheless given why the Centrals obviously are more interesting than the other division here's my Aristotelean analysis
Worst Off Season Ever
Houston - You can't lose Beltran, Kent and Berkman (for part of the year) and think your going to be ok. This is an old team that got another year older and a little bit thinner (paging Seattle) Maybe Pettite will be healthy the whole year, maybe Clemens will have another Cy Young performance but the margin of error is awfully thin for this team.
Addition by Subtraction
Also known as the "Ewing Effect" or I suppose in baseball the "A-Rod Effect". Get rid of a marque player(s) and re-tool the team. Both Chicago teams did that this season. ChiSox let big bombers Lee and Ordonez go (see Hart's recent post) and the Cubbies got rid of the middle of their line-up "hit home runs but strike out a lot" Alou and Sosa. Both teams are refocusing on consistent hitting and a bit more speed. Should be interesting albeit gaps in both bullpens could be their achilles heel.
KC Possibility?
This is not a reference to Kansas City this year. They blow. Big time. So does Pittsburgh. As such I'm not going to talk about them Anyway KC possibility means a small market team that if everything goes their way could be contenders until the last months of the season when they implode. This is Detroit, Milwaukee and Cinci. They got nice additions (Ordonez and Percival for Detroit, Lee in Milwaukee and Cinci got Honus Wagner). They also have a lot of potential (and probability) for serious injuries hamstringing their season. But if they can stay healthy, they can stay in the race.
Some of you I know, some of you I'm meeting for the first time
This relates to Minnesota, Cleveland and St.Louis. Really Minnesota and St. Louis but I didn't want Cleveland in its own category. These teams did a little reshuffling of their line-ups (in all three cases centered on their middle infield and pitching staffs). All are going to weigh heavily on some free agents (except Minnesota which apparently grows all their farm kids in some sort of super formula). The margin of error for the former champs is going to be a lot smaller this year and there is high hopes (like Dave Chapelle high in Half-Baked ) in Cleveland.
In conclusion all I have to say is that I saw your wife last night. Great little dancer. That guy she was with? I'm sure he's a close personal friend, but tell me, what was he doing with her panties on his head?
Monday, February 28, 2005
AL Central Preview
One of the most exciting divisions in baseball this year ought to be the AL Central. There isn't a dominant team, nor is there a serious title contender coming out of this division. But the Twins, Indians, White Sox and Tigers will spend a lot of time beating the crap out of each other, and that ought to be a lot of fun for the rest of us to watch. Here's a preview, in reverse predicted order of finish:
5. Kansas City - this is the only team in the Central that we know isn't going to be anywhere close to competitive. Still reeling from the loss of Carlos Beltran and the team's failure to build on their unexpected 83-win season in 2003, Kansas City enters the 2005 campaign with little talent and even less hope. Poor Mike Sweeney is stuck trying to anchor this lineup, surrounded by cast-offs Terrence Long and Matt Stairs and the never-quite-impressive Ken Harvey. The team has a few top prospects coming up soon: Mark Teahen is a young stud at 3B who may appear in 2005, and John Buck is expected to settle in as the team's catcher for opening day. But they're not enough to bring sunshine to KC this season. Top starters include (I'm not making this up) Zack Greinke, Jose Lima, Runelvys Hernandez, and Jimmy Gobble. Affeldt's closing again. Yuck.
4. Detroit - the Tigers are a vastly improved team, and could challenge for the Central Division crown...if they can find some starting pitching. However much they overpaid for Magglio Ordonez, Detroit could find itself with a real pearl if Mags' knees hold up. This lineup features Pudge Rodriguez, Ordonez, Dmitri Young, Rondell White, and Carlos Guillen in the heart of the batting order, which can at least hold its own against most everyone else in the division. With Alex Sanchez at the top of the order, look for Detroit to score a decent amount of runs - again, if Ordonez can play. As for pitching, the arrival of Troy Percival gives Detroit a bona fide closer who, while no longer among the bullpen elite, ought to provide great stability for the rest of the relief corps. Rumors abound regarding a trade of Ugueth Urbina, but if I'm Detroit, I keep him, along with Kyle Farnsworth and Franklyn German - unless someone's dangling a decent starter in exchange for Ugie. Detroit's rotation will feature Jason Johnson, Jeremy Bonderman, Mike Maroth, and Nathan Robertson, none of whom strike fear in any major league hitter. Ultimately, even in the brightest light, I don't think the Tigers have the pitching to seriously contend, but they will not be a fun team to face.
3. Chicago (I'll try to be objective here - I'm a Cubs fan and I hate the White Sox) - for some reason, the Chicago press embraced the Carlos Lee deal and the Sox' efforts to turn their squad into a faster, smaller team. I understand the desire to change up the team's style - but dealing El Caballo seems to me to have been a bad mistake. Lee was Chicago's best and most consistent hitter over the last few years, and a rising star in his own right. Without him and Ordonez, the Sox will rely heavily on Paul Konerko, who hit 41 homers in 2004, and Big Frank Thomas, who'll be late to Arizona as he recovers from ankle surgery. Beyond those two, the Sox need big contributions from 3B Joe Crede, who's yet to live up to his hype, OF Aaron Rowand, who could be a darkhorse for you fantasy baseballers out there, and Japanese import 2B Tadahito Iguchi. As for the rotation, the Sox think they've got one of the best in baseball - and they're nuts. Mark Buerhle's a workhorse and legitimately one of the better, more consistent pitchers in the game. After that, though, they're relying on Freddy Garcia, far removed from his 18-win season with Seattle in 2001, El Duque, Jose Contreras, and Jon Garland. I'm not buying into it; I don't think these five are bad, but they're far from automatic. As for the 'pen, Shingo Takatsu and Luis Vizcaino should be solid, and Damaso Marte should contribute as well. I really like the Dustin Hermanson signing; he strikes me as a Terry Mulholland type, versatile enough to start or relieve as the team needs him. The Sox ought to finish a little above .500, but I don't see them with enough energy, talent or momentum to overtake...
2. Cleveland - I'm very tempted to pick the Tribe to win this division, and if it weren't for Minnesota's amazing ability to win against all odds, I'd go with Cleveland. This team is below the radar for many analysts, and that's a mistake Eric Wedge and Co. will take advantage of. Let's start with the rotation: CC Sabathia, Jake Westbrook and Kevin Millwood should bring at least 40-45 wins between them, and then a promising Cliff Lee checks in at #4. It's the best rotation in the division and competitive with most other AL teams. The lineup features a number of young and talented hitters that can really mash: Travis Hafner, Ben Broussard, Victor Martinez, Aaron Boone and Jody Gerut will provide an excellent start and should give the starters a nice cushion to work with. The bullpen, anchored by Bob Wickman, also features David Riske, Arthur Rhodes and Bobby Howry as set-up men, giving the Indians a very reliable squad to close out games. I really like this team, and if they can start strong and maybe add a bat or an arm in mid-season, Cleveland could surprise many and find themselves playing in October.
1. Minnesota - one day, someone will explain how the Twins, year in and year out, play some of the best baseball around. They lose guys left and right, and they keep coming back. On paper, they're not as good as Cleveland, and I dare you to bet against them. Johan Santana is a true ace and maybe the best pitcher in baseball, and he's why NOBODY wants to see this team in a five-game opening round playoff series. Brad Radke's back, along with Kyle Lohse and Carlos Silva, and if Joe Mays is healthy, the Twins can throw as well as anyone. The bullpen, featuring Joe Nathan, J.C. Romero, Grant Balfour and Juan Rincon, might be the best in the game. The lineup has some question marks, especially after the departures of Cristian Guzman and Corey Koskie - but the Twins should find a way to hit regardless. Peter Gammons said that if Joe Mauer'd been healthy for the playoffs, the Twins would have beat the Yanks in the ALDS last year - and now Mauer's back behind the plate. Throw in a possible 40 home runs from 1B Justin Morneau, solid play from Torii Hunter and Shannon Stewart, and a full season of Michael Cuddyer's bat, and there's not too much reason for concern. Most importantly, this team has shown its ability to persevere and to find ways to win, and I expect the Twins to be back for this year's playoffs.
5. Kansas City - this is the only team in the Central that we know isn't going to be anywhere close to competitive. Still reeling from the loss of Carlos Beltran and the team's failure to build on their unexpected 83-win season in 2003, Kansas City enters the 2005 campaign with little talent and even less hope. Poor Mike Sweeney is stuck trying to anchor this lineup, surrounded by cast-offs Terrence Long and Matt Stairs and the never-quite-impressive Ken Harvey. The team has a few top prospects coming up soon: Mark Teahen is a young stud at 3B who may appear in 2005, and John Buck is expected to settle in as the team's catcher for opening day. But they're not enough to bring sunshine to KC this season. Top starters include (I'm not making this up) Zack Greinke, Jose Lima, Runelvys Hernandez, and Jimmy Gobble. Affeldt's closing again. Yuck.
4. Detroit - the Tigers are a vastly improved team, and could challenge for the Central Division crown...if they can find some starting pitching. However much they overpaid for Magglio Ordonez, Detroit could find itself with a real pearl if Mags' knees hold up. This lineup features Pudge Rodriguez, Ordonez, Dmitri Young, Rondell White, and Carlos Guillen in the heart of the batting order, which can at least hold its own against most everyone else in the division. With Alex Sanchez at the top of the order, look for Detroit to score a decent amount of runs - again, if Ordonez can play. As for pitching, the arrival of Troy Percival gives Detroit a bona fide closer who, while no longer among the bullpen elite, ought to provide great stability for the rest of the relief corps. Rumors abound regarding a trade of Ugueth Urbina, but if I'm Detroit, I keep him, along with Kyle Farnsworth and Franklyn German - unless someone's dangling a decent starter in exchange for Ugie. Detroit's rotation will feature Jason Johnson, Jeremy Bonderman, Mike Maroth, and Nathan Robertson, none of whom strike fear in any major league hitter. Ultimately, even in the brightest light, I don't think the Tigers have the pitching to seriously contend, but they will not be a fun team to face.
3. Chicago (I'll try to be objective here - I'm a Cubs fan and I hate the White Sox) - for some reason, the Chicago press embraced the Carlos Lee deal and the Sox' efforts to turn their squad into a faster, smaller team. I understand the desire to change up the team's style - but dealing El Caballo seems to me to have been a bad mistake. Lee was Chicago's best and most consistent hitter over the last few years, and a rising star in his own right. Without him and Ordonez, the Sox will rely heavily on Paul Konerko, who hit 41 homers in 2004, and Big Frank Thomas, who'll be late to Arizona as he recovers from ankle surgery. Beyond those two, the Sox need big contributions from 3B Joe Crede, who's yet to live up to his hype, OF Aaron Rowand, who could be a darkhorse for you fantasy baseballers out there, and Japanese import 2B Tadahito Iguchi. As for the rotation, the Sox think they've got one of the best in baseball - and they're nuts. Mark Buerhle's a workhorse and legitimately one of the better, more consistent pitchers in the game. After that, though, they're relying on Freddy Garcia, far removed from his 18-win season with Seattle in 2001, El Duque, Jose Contreras, and Jon Garland. I'm not buying into it; I don't think these five are bad, but they're far from automatic. As for the 'pen, Shingo Takatsu and Luis Vizcaino should be solid, and Damaso Marte should contribute as well. I really like the Dustin Hermanson signing; he strikes me as a Terry Mulholland type, versatile enough to start or relieve as the team needs him. The Sox ought to finish a little above .500, but I don't see them with enough energy, talent or momentum to overtake...
2. Cleveland - I'm very tempted to pick the Tribe to win this division, and if it weren't for Minnesota's amazing ability to win against all odds, I'd go with Cleveland. This team is below the radar for many analysts, and that's a mistake Eric Wedge and Co. will take advantage of. Let's start with the rotation: CC Sabathia, Jake Westbrook and Kevin Millwood should bring at least 40-45 wins between them, and then a promising Cliff Lee checks in at #4. It's the best rotation in the division and competitive with most other AL teams. The lineup features a number of young and talented hitters that can really mash: Travis Hafner, Ben Broussard, Victor Martinez, Aaron Boone and Jody Gerut will provide an excellent start and should give the starters a nice cushion to work with. The bullpen, anchored by Bob Wickman, also features David Riske, Arthur Rhodes and Bobby Howry as set-up men, giving the Indians a very reliable squad to close out games. I really like this team, and if they can start strong and maybe add a bat or an arm in mid-season, Cleveland could surprise many and find themselves playing in October.
1. Minnesota - one day, someone will explain how the Twins, year in and year out, play some of the best baseball around. They lose guys left and right, and they keep coming back. On paper, they're not as good as Cleveland, and I dare you to bet against them. Johan Santana is a true ace and maybe the best pitcher in baseball, and he's why NOBODY wants to see this team in a five-game opening round playoff series. Brad Radke's back, along with Kyle Lohse and Carlos Silva, and if Joe Mays is healthy, the Twins can throw as well as anyone. The bullpen, featuring Joe Nathan, J.C. Romero, Grant Balfour and Juan Rincon, might be the best in the game. The lineup has some question marks, especially after the departures of Cristian Guzman and Corey Koskie - but the Twins should find a way to hit regardless. Peter Gammons said that if Joe Mauer'd been healthy for the playoffs, the Twins would have beat the Yanks in the ALDS last year - and now Mauer's back behind the plate. Throw in a possible 40 home runs from 1B Justin Morneau, solid play from Torii Hunter and Shannon Stewart, and a full season of Michael Cuddyer's bat, and there's not too much reason for concern. Most importantly, this team has shown its ability to persevere and to find ways to win, and I expect the Twins to be back for this year's playoffs.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
The NBA and a “Trilogy Complete”
While watching the NBA’s All-Star Saturday, I found something on a movie station to get me through the endless commercials- Wild Things 2 (straight to video) followed by Wild Things 3 (straight to Skinemax). In the end, I probably have become the only man to have seen the whole Wild Things Trilogy. Considering the fact that I enjoy a really bad movie (they are so hilariously funny, and there are bonus points for topless girls), I had assumed I represented a significantly small portion of the country, but apparently, there are enough people watching to justify 2 sequels!
I’ll say this- Wild Things 3 was a mistake. By the 3rd movie, where the same illogical plotline is copied each time, with one vintage menage a trois scene, it becomes predictable in its illogical plot. Sometimes, a movie can be bad enough to make me laugh, and other times it can be bad enough to make me cringe. Wild Things 3 made me cringe but it did increase the number of scenes where hot girls decide to make out with each other, which was a plus. The other interesting thing is that each movie is 12 minutes shorter than the previous movie. The last movie was only 82 minutes long. By Wild Things 8, they’ll be down to just the menage a trois scene.
Anyways, I was able to multi-task and watch All-Star Saturday at the same time as Wild Things 3. Here are my thoughts:
1) Dan Majerle can still make a half-court shot! It was great to see him, as he somehow still hasn’t aged at all.
2) I think the skills competition is cool, but the players really should do more bounce passes, and I wouldn’t mind more than 4 competitors (Nash beat Boykins in the finals).
3) I still can’t believe how much everyone sucked in the 3-point contest. I thought Q-Richardson would certainly lose, but instead, he got hot and won. And what in the world is Voshon Lenard doing participating in this? He tore his Achilles, he’s out for the season, but he decided to spend time practicing JUMPING on his Achilles to defend his 2004 3-point championship. This is a terrible idea. But not as terrible as…
4) A dunk contest where you get as many chances as you need. In a stroke of marekting genius, the NBA realized they could get some great highlights by providing an incentive to try the hardest dunks possible. Chris Anderson went about 3 for 31 from the field during his dunk portion. I wish I was kidding. Fortunately, High School Rookie Josh Smith of the Hawks had some sensational dunks including a retro-Dominique windmill. It was sweet.
I've never seen a crazier NBA Trading Deadline period. Here are my initial thoughts...
NBA Trade Recap 5 Quick Notes:
1. Webber & 2 Scrubs for Corliss Williamson, Kenny Thomas, & Principal Skinner –
-I don’t blame the Kings for trading Webber. He hasn’t been the same since the latest knee surgery (2002?) Webber has no explosiveness anymore, and has become a small forward that takes lot of outside jumpers. In addition, he’s a huge defensive liability. Williamson & Thomas can play better defense, but the biggest problem I have with this trade is that the Kings are still stuck w/ 3-year contracts for each player.
-Advantage: Sixers, though I think Webber will be ineffective w/in 1 year.
2. Antoine Walker’s return to the Celtics – I still can’t believe that GM Danny Ainge changed his mind after shipping him out almost 2 years ago. Meanwhile, if Gary Payton was “unhappy” with his championship prospects in Boston, he may be suicidal in Atlanta.
-Did You Know: Apparently, Tom Gugliotta is still in the league and was a throw-in for the trade to the Hawks. Gugs! Who’d have known?
3. Baron Davis on Golden State – Why do the analysts keep saying that Baron is going home? Does anyone else realize that Oakland is many hours away from UCLA?
4. Isiah Thomas still not knowing that there is a salary cap – “In the Spurs deal, the Knicks are sending back $5.5 million in future salaries for the remaining four years, $27.3 million of Rose's contract. In the Rockets' deal, Thomas is sending back $8 million in future salaries and getting back $18 million in return.” - Associated Press
-Even the Associated Press has caught on to the fact that Isiah Thomas does not know there is a salary cap. At some point, you would think one of the interns in the NY Knick organization would at least let him play some NBA 2005 and teach him a little bit about salary caps. The Knicks have the largest payroll in the league right now and they just added more commitments!
5. Cavs trade another 1st round pick for another SG – The Cavs gave up a 1st round pick this past summer for Sasha Pavlovic for outside shooting. Then we just gave up a 1st round pick for a 33% 3-point specialist. That’s not that good. Next season, Luke Jackson will be back. I’m sick of GM Paxson wasting 1st round picks. For every 3 transactions that are good, Paxson has 7 transactions that are poor.
I’ll say this- Wild Things 3 was a mistake. By the 3rd movie, where the same illogical plotline is copied each time, with one vintage menage a trois scene, it becomes predictable in its illogical plot. Sometimes, a movie can be bad enough to make me laugh, and other times it can be bad enough to make me cringe. Wild Things 3 made me cringe but it did increase the number of scenes where hot girls decide to make out with each other, which was a plus. The other interesting thing is that each movie is 12 minutes shorter than the previous movie. The last movie was only 82 minutes long. By Wild Things 8, they’ll be down to just the menage a trois scene.
Anyways, I was able to multi-task and watch All-Star Saturday at the same time as Wild Things 3. Here are my thoughts:
1) Dan Majerle can still make a half-court shot! It was great to see him, as he somehow still hasn’t aged at all.
2) I think the skills competition is cool, but the players really should do more bounce passes, and I wouldn’t mind more than 4 competitors (Nash beat Boykins in the finals).
3) I still can’t believe how much everyone sucked in the 3-point contest. I thought Q-Richardson would certainly lose, but instead, he got hot and won. And what in the world is Voshon Lenard doing participating in this? He tore his Achilles, he’s out for the season, but he decided to spend time practicing JUMPING on his Achilles to defend his 2004 3-point championship. This is a terrible idea. But not as terrible as…
4) A dunk contest where you get as many chances as you need. In a stroke of marekting genius, the NBA realized they could get some great highlights by providing an incentive to try the hardest dunks possible. Chris Anderson went about 3 for 31 from the field during his dunk portion. I wish I was kidding. Fortunately, High School Rookie Josh Smith of the Hawks had some sensational dunks including a retro-Dominique windmill. It was sweet.
I've never seen a crazier NBA Trading Deadline period. Here are my initial thoughts...
NBA Trade Recap 5 Quick Notes:
1. Webber & 2 Scrubs for Corliss Williamson, Kenny Thomas, & Principal Skinner –
-I don’t blame the Kings for trading Webber. He hasn’t been the same since the latest knee surgery (2002?) Webber has no explosiveness anymore, and has become a small forward that takes lot of outside jumpers. In addition, he’s a huge defensive liability. Williamson & Thomas can play better defense, but the biggest problem I have with this trade is that the Kings are still stuck w/ 3-year contracts for each player.
-Advantage: Sixers, though I think Webber will be ineffective w/in 1 year.
2. Antoine Walker’s return to the Celtics – I still can’t believe that GM Danny Ainge changed his mind after shipping him out almost 2 years ago. Meanwhile, if Gary Payton was “unhappy” with his championship prospects in Boston, he may be suicidal in Atlanta.
-Did You Know: Apparently, Tom Gugliotta is still in the league and was a throw-in for the trade to the Hawks. Gugs! Who’d have known?
3. Baron Davis on Golden State – Why do the analysts keep saying that Baron is going home? Does anyone else realize that Oakland is many hours away from UCLA?
4. Isiah Thomas still not knowing that there is a salary cap – “In the Spurs deal, the Knicks are sending back $5.5 million in future salaries for the remaining four years, $27.3 million of Rose's contract. In the Rockets' deal, Thomas is sending back $8 million in future salaries and getting back $18 million in return.” - Associated Press
-Even the Associated Press has caught on to the fact that Isiah Thomas does not know there is a salary cap. At some point, you would think one of the interns in the NY Knick organization would at least let him play some NBA 2005 and teach him a little bit about salary caps. The Knicks have the largest payroll in the league right now and they just added more commitments!
5. Cavs trade another 1st round pick for another SG – The Cavs gave up a 1st round pick this past summer for Sasha Pavlovic for outside shooting. Then we just gave up a 1st round pick for a 33% 3-point specialist. That’s not that good. Next season, Luke Jackson will be back. I’m sick of GM Paxson wasting 1st round picks. For every 3 transactions that are good, Paxson has 7 transactions that are poor.
Sunday, February 20, 2005
Baseball Preview?
Apparently the Indians are a little concerned that their pitchers might escape. As such they have all been tied up and on occasion Eric "Porno" Wedge comes out to hit them with rubber hoses. Despite my valient attempts to avoid paying attention to baseball, yep I'm still interested in it. Over the coming few weeks I'll give out my thoughts, picks and witty comments. Or at least in comparison to Bob Ryan. Bob Ryan has hit the Limbaugh trifeca in the book of punditry (i.e. fat, obnoxious and idiotic).
The team I think that was hurt the worst this off-season was Oakland. Oakland routinely made the playoffs on the backs of the BIG 3 (Mulder, Zito, Hudson). Two were traded for prospects, cement and a new apple computer. Now I'm not going to say Billy Beane made a stupid move but no different from when the Indians imploded their team its going to take a little time for Oakland to be back in contention for the title.
Their will be three competitive divisions in baseball this year and by competitive I mean at least three teams vying for the division crown: AL Central, NL East, NL Central. Its possible that San Diego or LA could duke it out with San Franscisco for the title but I'm not sold on that yet.
The biggest question I think I have is what were the Yanks thinking when they signed Pavano and Wright. Now I'm not saying they won't be decent but neither has a winning record over the two year span as a starter (Wright's only be a starter again for one year before then he worked jointly as San Diego reliver, Atlanta set up man and Parole Officer.
Change to Watch: Atlanta is moving John Smoltz back into the starter and replacing him with Danny Kolb. Smoltz over the past two years has been the best reliever (excluding Gagne). Atlanta's stranglehold on the division and its amazing run as champs I think will rise and fall and the success of those two players.
Oh and there's some NBA All-Star game but apparently the League thinks itll reach a broader audience by having it only on TNT and late at night. Lebron and the young guns (i.e. players that Larry Brown refused to play in the Olympics because they weren't old enough to drink) will be showcased. Meanwhile David Stern will physically stand between Kobe and Shaq to prevent any riot from breaking out.
NCAA Pick that I'm sticking with: Kansas, Illinois and 2 ACC teams
Thursday, February 17, 2005
I Should be a TV Executive
It's time to start making my pitch to be a TV Excutive. Here's some analysis:
TV Note 1
First off, TNT is airing a one-on-one NBA All-star event as Mr. Anonymous has told me. Is this a tournament of NBA stars, competing in a March Madness tournament?
Probably not, considering the event isn't even listed on NBA.com. I'm intrigued. You should be too, it airs Saturday at 5PM on TNT. If this is a pre-recorded event of LeBron playing video games with his friends from 3 weeks ago, I will be disappointed.
TV Note 2
If I was running an NBA 1-on-1 event, I'd have a Little Man Region, and a Big Man Region. My dream final: Earl (5'5") Boykins vs. Amare (6'11") Stoudemire. Or maybe we'd have to do a Little Man, Shooting Guard, Swing Man, and Big Man Region (6'9" and above). Depends on how many we can get to play. I tell you what, THIS would get ratings! First to 5, by ones, twos, and a 5-point MTV 'ballers spot at the halfcourt mark.
TV Note 3
Baseball is suffering through some "who did it" problems. More like "who didn't do it". I have a solution. A reality show, with 25 Major Leaguers. Each week, they compete for immunity from the Ultimate Truth Test, which will determine whether they did steroids or not [I hope modern science can do this]. The motto for the show: "Only 3 of these MLB Players are steroid free. But 5 will win!" That's right, we will only eliminate 20 users, leaving 2 users as winners, since no one will know that they use steroids. This gives incentives for people to go on the show who use steroids, because they too can win! I'm talking to you Barry Bonds.
TV Note 4
Ode to Mark Price- A great B-ball player. Didn’t think he could be any worse than Cavs announcer Austin Carr. Carr rambles on about a specific moment of a play and ends up skipping over the commentary for the next 8 points. He’s eccentric, and just a terrible announcer. This season, they hired Mark Price. As a player, Price was fantastic. My favorite player. Met him on my 14th birthday, which I still think was my greatest birthday present ever. But Price is even worse than Carr. Unimaginable. Price is about as exciting as a plain white undershirt. Price talks softly, for the first 15 minutes of his first game, 90% of the audience didn't even know there was a color-man doing the game. Price also has a characteristic that is unbelievable - he NEVER gets excited about anything. For example, "LeBron just dunked the ball. Fans of the NBA like this." If only he could return to his playing days.
Quote of the week, courtesy of Mr. Anonymous's daily calendar:
Seattle Supersonics center Jerome James, responding to a complaint by his coach that he was selfish:
“I don’t have the first clue who he is talking about because all I worry about is Jerome.”
TV Note 1
First off, TNT is airing a one-on-one NBA All-star event as Mr. Anonymous has told me. Is this a tournament of NBA stars, competing in a March Madness tournament?
Probably not, considering the event isn't even listed on NBA.com. I'm intrigued. You should be too, it airs Saturday at 5PM on TNT. If this is a pre-recorded event of LeBron playing video games with his friends from 3 weeks ago, I will be disappointed.
TV Note 2
If I was running an NBA 1-on-1 event, I'd have a Little Man Region, and a Big Man Region. My dream final: Earl (5'5") Boykins vs. Amare (6'11") Stoudemire. Or maybe we'd have to do a Little Man, Shooting Guard, Swing Man, and Big Man Region (6'9" and above). Depends on how many we can get to play. I tell you what, THIS would get ratings! First to 5, by ones, twos, and a 5-point MTV 'ballers spot at the halfcourt mark.
TV Note 3
Baseball is suffering through some "who did it" problems. More like "who didn't do it". I have a solution. A reality show, with 25 Major Leaguers. Each week, they compete for immunity from the Ultimate Truth Test, which will determine whether they did steroids or not [I hope modern science can do this]. The motto for the show: "Only 3 of these MLB Players are steroid free. But 5 will win!" That's right, we will only eliminate 20 users, leaving 2 users as winners, since no one will know that they use steroids. This gives incentives for people to go on the show who use steroids, because they too can win! I'm talking to you Barry Bonds.
TV Note 4
Ode to Mark Price- A great B-ball player. Didn’t think he could be any worse than Cavs announcer Austin Carr. Carr rambles on about a specific moment of a play and ends up skipping over the commentary for the next 8 points. He’s eccentric, and just a terrible announcer. This season, they hired Mark Price. As a player, Price was fantastic. My favorite player. Met him on my 14th birthday, which I still think was my greatest birthday present ever. But Price is even worse than Carr. Unimaginable. Price is about as exciting as a plain white undershirt. Price talks softly, for the first 15 minutes of his first game, 90% of the audience didn't even know there was a color-man doing the game. Price also has a characteristic that is unbelievable - he NEVER gets excited about anything. For example, "LeBron just dunked the ball. Fans of the NBA like this." If only he could return to his playing days.
Quote of the week, courtesy of Mr. Anonymous's daily calendar:
Seattle Supersonics center Jerome James, responding to a complaint by his coach that he was selfish:
“I don’t have the first clue who he is talking about because all I worry about is Jerome.”
Monday, February 14, 2005
Francisco Franco is still dead
1. Well the obvious is finally becoming official : the NHL season is being cancelled. After round after round of utterly and totally useless arguments: the players association and the commissioners are giving up, throwing in the towel and putting the zamboni machines on ice (wait aren't they normally on ice. what do you do with an idle zamboni machine besides give it cameo in Adam Sandler movies). The NHL obviously needs a salary cap AND fewer teams AND a commissioner that knows how to get tv contracts AND a country with more than 10 people that watches it. At this rate we're going to be watching IHL players in NHL uniforms next year. And frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.
2. Preview of the potential NBA finals this past weekend when San Antonio took on Miami. You know what...the heat won 96-92. For those of you have so little confidence in the East, they might not be as deep as the West but the upper echelon teams can go with anyone. Miami had a higher field goal percentage, outrebounded the Spurs and limited Duncan to 5 - 14 shooting. Right now I feel like the national pundits are thinking San Antonio is the team to beat (and frankly they are) but don't be suprised if a team from the East wins again.
3. The Cavs seemed locked in the two-face routine. For those that haven't seen Seinfeld in awhile two-face was the girl Jerry dated that looked good only in certain lighting. That describes the Cavs to the T. Somedays they look great (like stopping Lakers) and somedays they look awful (losing to Denver?). I'm not sure why they vary around so much but that won't feed the kids come playoff time. I would like to give a shout out to Sasha (way to keep the foreign bench production steady)
4. I don't know when the last time the number 1 ranked team in the country won the NCAA tournament but Illinois might do that this year. Sure they really rely on their guards to constantly reign 3s but those guards just don't miss. I don't get it but they don't ever (and I mean ever) miss. If Illinois doesn't at least make it to the final 4 (barring injury) it'll be the biggest disappointment since Laz found out that you couldn't have a doggy bag at the all you could eat buffet.
5. Debate of the Week:
Which is a better conference: The ACC or the Big East?
I'm going with ACC if best means top 3. Big East if you mean the median team. The big question then becomes top 4 in the tournament who does better?
2. Preview of the potential NBA finals this past weekend when San Antonio took on Miami. You know what...the heat won 96-92. For those of you have so little confidence in the East, they might not be as deep as the West but the upper echelon teams can go with anyone. Miami had a higher field goal percentage, outrebounded the Spurs and limited Duncan to 5 - 14 shooting. Right now I feel like the national pundits are thinking San Antonio is the team to beat (and frankly they are) but don't be suprised if a team from the East wins again.
3. The Cavs seemed locked in the two-face routine. For those that haven't seen Seinfeld in awhile two-face was the girl Jerry dated that looked good only in certain lighting. That describes the Cavs to the T. Somedays they look great (like stopping Lakers) and somedays they look awful (losing to Denver?). I'm not sure why they vary around so much but that won't feed the kids come playoff time. I would like to give a shout out to Sasha (way to keep the foreign bench production steady)
4. I don't know when the last time the number 1 ranked team in the country won the NCAA tournament but Illinois might do that this year. Sure they really rely on their guards to constantly reign 3s but those guards just don't miss. I don't get it but they don't ever (and I mean ever) miss. If Illinois doesn't at least make it to the final 4 (barring injury) it'll be the biggest disappointment since Laz found out that you couldn't have a doggy bag at the all you could eat buffet.
5. Debate of the Week:
Which is a better conference: The ACC or the Big East?
I'm going with ACC if best means top 3. Big East if you mean the median team. The big question then becomes top 4 in the tournament who does better?
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Super Bowl Disappointment
5 thoughts on the Super Bowl
1. Worst Coin Toss Ever – The NFL had this brilliant idea, why not have a 10-year old from a youth football team actually do the coin toss? Here’s what happened:
Ref: “Now, Jimmy, make sure you throw the coin real high.”
Jimmy: Puts the coin in his open hand, throws the coin up, and the coin does not even rotate. McNabb then started yelling that the coin didn’t even rotate!
Well, I can bet the NFL will never allow a child to ever do the coin toss again. Can you imagine if Ray Lewis was playing and got screwed over by some kid’s coin toss?
2. TO deserves somme serious props – I can’t believe how well TO played. Talk about an amazing rehabilitation! If you would have told me that TO would have 9 catches for 122 yards on a gimpy ankle, I would have thought that the Eagles would have won.
3. Best commercial(s) – The triumphant return of MC Hammer! Now, he makes fun of himself for money!
4. 2nd best commercial – FedEx- detailing the 10 elements needed for a good Super Bowl commercial and then including all of them in their commercial (Burt Reynolds & a talking, dancing grizzly bear)
5. I’ve lost some respect for Andy Reid – I’m not an NFL coach, but from watching the Colts-Patriots game, I would have recognized that the no-huddle that the Colts used at the end of the half led to their only score. So, with 2 weeks to prepare for the Super Bowl, you’d think that at some point, Coach Reid would have prepared some kind of no-huddle system. What were the chances that you may need to save some time?
Well, we all know what happened, the Eagles got the ball w/ 6 minutes left, down 10 points, and they took their good old time moving the ball for about 4 minutes until hitting a 30-yard touchdown. Any kind of responsible clock-management could have actually left the Eagles with enough time at the end of the game. In addition, I don’t believe any of these shenanigans about McNabb too sick to be able to run the no-huddle. If he was too sick, he wouldn’t have thrown for 357 yards!
But the 2 biggest disappointments of all deserve their own paragraphs:
Disappointment #1:
Where’s the flea-flicker?
For the love of football, if there’s anything I’ve noticed, it’s that the flea-flicker works almost every time. If anything it keeps the other safeties honest in sticking with their receivers for as long as possible. I don’t know why we couldn’t see some trick plays, flea-flicker or not, in the Super Bowl.
Diasspointment #2:
Where’s the TO Super Bowl touchdown dance? I really could care less about either team, and all I wanted to see was the touchdown dance that TO had prepared. Now, we’ll never know. I would have paid to see it. Honestly.
Final Thoughts:
I definitely feel a resurgence of “2 Legit 2 Quit” at sporting events in the year 2005. In addition, be prepared for more columns this year from yours truly. NCAA Basketball and NBA will dominate the discussions, that’s for sure.
1. Worst Coin Toss Ever – The NFL had this brilliant idea, why not have a 10-year old from a youth football team actually do the coin toss? Here’s what happened:
Ref: “Now, Jimmy, make sure you throw the coin real high.”
Jimmy: Puts the coin in his open hand, throws the coin up, and the coin does not even rotate. McNabb then started yelling that the coin didn’t even rotate!
Well, I can bet the NFL will never allow a child to ever do the coin toss again. Can you imagine if Ray Lewis was playing and got screwed over by some kid’s coin toss?
2. TO deserves somme serious props – I can’t believe how well TO played. Talk about an amazing rehabilitation! If you would have told me that TO would have 9 catches for 122 yards on a gimpy ankle, I would have thought that the Eagles would have won.
3. Best commercial(s) – The triumphant return of MC Hammer! Now, he makes fun of himself for money!
4. 2nd best commercial – FedEx- detailing the 10 elements needed for a good Super Bowl commercial and then including all of them in their commercial (Burt Reynolds & a talking, dancing grizzly bear)
5. I’ve lost some respect for Andy Reid – I’m not an NFL coach, but from watching the Colts-Patriots game, I would have recognized that the no-huddle that the Colts used at the end of the half led to their only score. So, with 2 weeks to prepare for the Super Bowl, you’d think that at some point, Coach Reid would have prepared some kind of no-huddle system. What were the chances that you may need to save some time?
Well, we all know what happened, the Eagles got the ball w/ 6 minutes left, down 10 points, and they took their good old time moving the ball for about 4 minutes until hitting a 30-yard touchdown. Any kind of responsible clock-management could have actually left the Eagles with enough time at the end of the game. In addition, I don’t believe any of these shenanigans about McNabb too sick to be able to run the no-huddle. If he was too sick, he wouldn’t have thrown for 357 yards!
But the 2 biggest disappointments of all deserve their own paragraphs:
Disappointment #1:
Where’s the flea-flicker?
For the love of football, if there’s anything I’ve noticed, it’s that the flea-flicker works almost every time. If anything it keeps the other safeties honest in sticking with their receivers for as long as possible. I don’t know why we couldn’t see some trick plays, flea-flicker or not, in the Super Bowl.
Diasspointment #2:
Where’s the TO Super Bowl touchdown dance? I really could care less about either team, and all I wanted to see was the touchdown dance that TO had prepared. Now, we’ll never know. I would have paid to see it. Honestly.
Final Thoughts:
I definitely feel a resurgence of “2 Legit 2 Quit” at sporting events in the year 2005. In addition, be prepared for more columns this year from yours truly. NCAA Basketball and NBA will dominate the discussions, that’s for sure.
Monday, February 07, 2005
I hope you had the time of your life
Well its officially the end of the football season. New England is once again champs and starting today all the football pundits go back doing whatever it is that they do in the off-season (Peter King hangs with his family, Norman Chad gambles and Sean Salisbury is put into a cryogenic freezer). Its been a lot of fun writing about football and in honor of the man that inspired me (read Norman Chad) I've decided to write in his style for my Super Bowl Coverage
6:20 PM So I've seen 2 Presidents, an ex-Beatle and John Travolta..wait John Travolta..how the hell did he get on TV as a famous celebrity? Is it just me or did it feel like the pre-game show started like Friday.
6:25 Bill Belichek walks on to the field and heads to the Eagles sideline accidently. How embaressing! Why does Belichek always look like he just stole the clothes off of a hobo? The sad part is that his outfit is that took 5 Laos girls working double shifts to make it and it probably costs like 200 dollars.
6:28 T.O. enters the playing field. Sure he's hopped on Jesus and can't feel pain but I believe the real reason for his recovery is the hyperbolic chamber he used. That thing is incrediable. I'm not sure what exactly it does but damn I bet if I used one I could do lots of amazing things (which at the moment tend to involve making a tasty sandwhich)
6:30 Game Starts
6:31 First Commercial. This year the commercials were so-so. I liked the budweiser ones, and anything that involves monkeys but was fairly perplexed why this was the year of MC Hammer. Explain how he got two seperate commercial spots?
7:00 Brady fumbles the ball and in the ensuing riot Philly recovers. Not only did the Philly players punch Brady in the kidney's during the pile-up by Philly D Coordinator ran into the stands to sucker punch Brady's family. Now thats a tough D
7:40 By in large Brady has been untouched by the Eagles Blitzing. Their O-Line never gets any credit but thats the strength of team. In both the Pittsburgh and Eagles game Brady was by in large untouched and unhurried.
7:45 Mike Martz order Marshall Faulk into the flats and out for some wings. Now that is a genius move.
Sometime before I fall asleep: New England once again wins by 3. Terrible onside kick by David Akers gave the Eagles no real chance to come back. And the collective media continues its brown nosing of Boston and the Patriots. The Patroits are coronated as the greatest team since Julius Caesar's army sacked Gaul.
And thats the season. Its been a wacky season from Rams come behind victory to Butch Davis having a mental breakdown to Randy Moss' ass being newsworthy.
Luckily my hypocrisy knows no bounds so I'll be back to give coverage on the NBA, NCAA basketball and even (gasp) a Spring Training guide to baseball. I, unlike the NFL network, will not be covering the OWNER's meeting. If you want to learn more about rich, white guys making decisions that affect America I suggest you watch C-SPAN.
6:20 PM So I've seen 2 Presidents, an ex-Beatle and John Travolta..wait John Travolta..how the hell did he get on TV as a famous celebrity? Is it just me or did it feel like the pre-game show started like Friday.
6:25 Bill Belichek walks on to the field and heads to the Eagles sideline accidently. How embaressing! Why does Belichek always look like he just stole the clothes off of a hobo? The sad part is that his outfit is that took 5 Laos girls working double shifts to make it and it probably costs like 200 dollars.
6:28 T.O. enters the playing field. Sure he's hopped on Jesus and can't feel pain but I believe the real reason for his recovery is the hyperbolic chamber he used. That thing is incrediable. I'm not sure what exactly it does but damn I bet if I used one I could do lots of amazing things (which at the moment tend to involve making a tasty sandwhich)
6:30 Game Starts
6:31 First Commercial. This year the commercials were so-so. I liked the budweiser ones, and anything that involves monkeys but was fairly perplexed why this was the year of MC Hammer. Explain how he got two seperate commercial spots?
7:00 Brady fumbles the ball and in the ensuing riot Philly recovers. Not only did the Philly players punch Brady in the kidney's during the pile-up by Philly D Coordinator ran into the stands to sucker punch Brady's family. Now thats a tough D
7:40 By in large Brady has been untouched by the Eagles Blitzing. Their O-Line never gets any credit but thats the strength of team. In both the Pittsburgh and Eagles game Brady was by in large untouched and unhurried.
7:45 Mike Martz order Marshall Faulk into the flats and out for some wings. Now that is a genius move.
Sometime before I fall asleep: New England once again wins by 3. Terrible onside kick by David Akers gave the Eagles no real chance to come back. And the collective media continues its brown nosing of Boston and the Patriots. The Patroits are coronated as the greatest team since Julius Caesar's army sacked Gaul.
And thats the season. Its been a wacky season from Rams come behind victory to Butch Davis having a mental breakdown to Randy Moss' ass being newsworthy.
Luckily my hypocrisy knows no bounds so I'll be back to give coverage on the NBA, NCAA basketball and even (gasp) a Spring Training guide to baseball. I, unlike the NFL network, will not be covering the OWNER's meeting. If you want to learn more about rich, white guys making decisions that affect America I suggest you watch C-SPAN.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Super Pick for a Super Bowl
The Browns will win the Super Bowl.
By the Browns, I mean the Browns former coach (Belichick) and future coach (Crennel).
Well, here we are finally! I just wanted to get some shock value by the first line. The long-awaited Super Bowl. Other than Oakland-Tampa Bay, I think this is only the 2nd time since the “new era” began in ’99 that both teams actually EXPECTED to make the Super Bowl and succeeded. It’s pretty amazing when you think about it. Is this the end of parity? I’m not sure if we’re there yet. Though I must say that a lot of teams have learned from the Pats these last few years that it’s all about cheap talent from the draft, and you have to be careful how you spend the $$$.
Granted, the Eagles went for broke and signed DE Kearse and WR Terrell Owens. Obviously, it’s worked out great. The only question throughout all of America is: Will TO play?
Ladies & Gentlemen, I’m here to tell you a few things:
1) I don’t think we have any female readers out there, so I’m never starting a sentence w/ the phrase “Ladies & Gentlemen” ever again ;
2) The Cohen family made a lot of money this year, since they bet the house on a Pats-Eagles Super Bowl – IN AUGUST! ;
3) It really won’t matter if TO plays, because there’s no way he’s 100% !!!
That’s right. Look at TO’s stats from the 2003 season in San Francisco. He wasn’t happy, he was slightly injured, and he just didn’t have the same explosiveness as usual. Ultimately, I don’t think it matters if TO plays because the AFC is SUPREME. If the AFC was Superman, the NFC would be his weak pathetic newspaper friend, Jimmy Olsen. Basically, w/o the Eagles unveiling some kind of kryptonite, they are not winning. The Patriots are amazing, because they can CHOOSE to be either a running team, or a passing team depending on the team that they are playing and the situation they are in. The Pats' coaches find ways to win. The Eagles coaches only find ways to eat more chicken wings. In the end, the Pats multi-faceted team should find a way to crack the Eagles D, and should go on to win a close game.
Final Score: 23-17
Finally, just to recap, I did go 2-0 that last week in the playoffs, so I finished at: 6-4. That sounds good, but for the playoffs, it’s actually terrible. Especially considering the fact that before the playoffs started, I predicted a Colts-Falcons Super Bowl. I was off by a bit you might say. Thanks Tony Dungy for failing again. I will never trust you ever again.
By the Browns, I mean the Browns former coach (Belichick) and future coach (Crennel).
Well, here we are finally! I just wanted to get some shock value by the first line. The long-awaited Super Bowl. Other than Oakland-Tampa Bay, I think this is only the 2nd time since the “new era” began in ’99 that both teams actually EXPECTED to make the Super Bowl and succeeded. It’s pretty amazing when you think about it. Is this the end of parity? I’m not sure if we’re there yet. Though I must say that a lot of teams have learned from the Pats these last few years that it’s all about cheap talent from the draft, and you have to be careful how you spend the $$$.
Granted, the Eagles went for broke and signed DE Kearse and WR Terrell Owens. Obviously, it’s worked out great. The only question throughout all of America is: Will TO play?
Ladies & Gentlemen, I’m here to tell you a few things:
1) I don’t think we have any female readers out there, so I’m never starting a sentence w/ the phrase “Ladies & Gentlemen” ever again ;
2) The Cohen family made a lot of money this year, since they bet the house on a Pats-Eagles Super Bowl – IN AUGUST! ;
3) It really won’t matter if TO plays, because there’s no way he’s 100% !!!
That’s right. Look at TO’s stats from the 2003 season in San Francisco. He wasn’t happy, he was slightly injured, and he just didn’t have the same explosiveness as usual. Ultimately, I don’t think it matters if TO plays because the AFC is SUPREME. If the AFC was Superman, the NFC would be his weak pathetic newspaper friend, Jimmy Olsen. Basically, w/o the Eagles unveiling some kind of kryptonite, they are not winning. The Patriots are amazing, because they can CHOOSE to be either a running team, or a passing team depending on the team that they are playing and the situation they are in. The Pats' coaches find ways to win. The Eagles coaches only find ways to eat more chicken wings. In the end, the Pats multi-faceted team should find a way to crack the Eagles D, and should go on to win a close game.
Final Score: 23-17
Finally, just to recap, I did go 2-0 that last week in the playoffs, so I finished at: 6-4. That sounds good, but for the playoffs, it’s actually terrible. Especially considering the fact that before the playoffs started, I predicted a Colts-Falcons Super Bowl. I was off by a bit you might say. Thanks Tony Dungy for failing again. I will never trust you ever again.
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