Thursday, February 02, 2006
Super Bowl Preview: Sgt. Slaughter vs. Colonel Mustard
As everyone in America already knows, Steelers coach Bill Cowher is actually Sgt. Slaughter.
They both are very serious men, with serious jaws.
But the real question is, who is Mike Holmgren then? After asking people on the street and conducting a search of the FBI files, the answer became more clear than ever before. Mike Holmgren is none other than Colonel Mustard (Martin Mull) from the movie Clue. Seriously, look at these pictures.
Now that the characters are set, it’s time for the playoffs to have its conclusion. In January, 12 guests were invited by Paul Tagliabue to obtain the coveted Championship trophy. Slowly, the guests started to dwindle, as those with bad luck (Tony Dungy) and those with inexperience (Marin Lewis, Jack Del Rio, Lovie Smith) were shown the door and only two of Paul’s guests remained: Sgt. Slaughter and Col. Mustard. But the problem remained in that only one of the two military men could bask in the glory of winning the championship.
Sgt. Slaughter has had his problems over the years. Hell, he trusted an insurance salesman, and a man named “Slash” to be his field commanders. Meanwhile, Col. Mustard has also had his problems over the years including trying to form some semblance of a defense, and ensuring that his mistress, Miss Scarlet, didn’t kill him with the candlestick in the film room.
The line says about 3 points in favor of Pittsburgh Steelers. Even though I despise the Steelers and Sgt. Slaughter with a passion, I have to be impartial when it comes to the Super Bowl. Basically, when it comes down to it, the AFC is the superior conference. The most telling statistic is that the Seahawks lost to Jacksonville (albeit back in week 1). The Seahawks did beat the hapless Titans and Texans, and beat a Colts team that was resting everyone. In comparison, Pittsburgh went 4-0 versus the NFC Norris division (mini-Ditkas, Sex Boat Vikings, the Favres, and the Motown Lions). Short of Seahawks WR Darrell Jackson breaking some huge plays, I don’t see how Seattle overcomes the defense of Pittsburgh. In the end though, Sgt. Slaughter’s use of a Homecoming Float (Jerome Bettis) and a Young Gun (Big Ben) will allow Sgt. Slaughter to outfox Col. Mustard. Honestly, Col. Mustard is in a whole different league than Sgt. Slaughter. Col. Mustard failed to give any memorable war stories from what I can remember in the movie Clue, and if that’s not a testament to how poorly the Seahawks will play this weekend, I’m not sure what is.
Final Score of Super Bowl XL: Pittsburgh 34 , Seattle 17
Conference Championships: 0-2 (ouch!)
Finally, I’m still shocked out how no political party in America has begun a campaign to make the day after the Super Bowl a national holiday. Honestly, this has to be one of the least productive days of the year, as most people on the East Coast are either tired, hungover, or have indigestion and bowel problems. You could even just call this day “American New Year’s,” and then not change the year until after the Super Bowl. This would ensure that when someone says “the 2005 Super Bowl” they were referring to Seattle-Pittsburgh and not New England-Philadelphia. This would also reduce the amount of violence in America, because no longer would disagreements occur about which specific year belongs to which specific NFL season.