Pledge to Hedley Lamarr

Harvey Korman passed away yesterday. So for old times sake, I (your name) pledge allegiance Hedley Lamarr and to the evil for which he stands. Now go do that voodoo

Again?!

Why on earth would Doug Collins want another bite of the apple? He doesn’t have Michael Jordan on the roster this time around and even the #1 pick overall won’t change the fact that the Bulls, as currently constituted, are not among the 10 best teams in the NBA. Moreover, why would the Bulls want him back?

Obviously someone has to coach the Bulls, I’m just surprised the team decided to make the rare double-retread hire. The Bulls get more boring by the day...

Fulham Loses Two Americans in Five Days

In news from abroad, Fulham released longtime defender Carlos Bocanegra last week. Today, Brian McBride, the captain at Fulham, decided to return to the U.S. and to leave Fulham. Suddenly, Fulham has lost the services of 2 Americans in 5 days!

It is a very sad day for Fulham... perhaps they will find two more Americans to replace these two. If Fulham is unable to find more Americans, the U.S. economy is certainly going to feel the ramifications of these transactions, as these two Americans were making big money, and the money was coming mostly from foreigners. First gas prices rise, then this. It's going to be a long summer for the U.S. economy.

The 2008 NBA Conference Finals: 10% Luck for Doc Rivers

As one of the theme songs to the NBA Playoffs last year and in 2006 (as well as the theme song for the Cleveland Indians in 2007), "Remember the Name," states something to the effect that your success is based on:

"10% luck, 20% skill,

15% concentrated power of will

5% pleasure, 50% pain".

Man, that 10% luck is really helping out Doc Rivers! If only Billups were healthy, the Pistons could even be up 3-1. If only Mike Brown would have exerted some control over the Cavaliers offense, perhaps the Celtics would already be eliminated and my comparison between the Celtics and the movie Freejack would have held true.

Alas, now that the Eastern Conference Finals are all tied up at 2-2, the question is - can Detroit win on the road to win the series? Of course, I have a biased opinion on the subject (I believe the Pistons will advance), but I thought it would be more interesting to take a look back the first 4 games and see who the unsung heroes are, to see who is contributing the "15% concentrated power of will."

Eastern Conference - Billups' health has been and will continue to be the main deciding factor in this series. Hopefully, McDyess can continue to post monster numbers, like in Game 4, and give the Celtics fits down low.

Game 1 - The Celtics won by 9, but it really was not close at the end. Chauncey Billups really did not appear healthy, went a team-low -18 over only 32 minutes and only had 2 assists and 2 turnovers. The Celtics continued to make the extra pass and got a whopping 27 assists on only 36 baskets.

Game 2 - The Pistons became the first team to win in Boston in the playoffs. Interestingly, they did it while getting outrebounded 39-31. Billups was more like himself as he had 7 assists, 0 TOs, and 19 points. The Pistons only had 9 TOs.

Game 3 - The Pistons became the first team to get lose to Boston at home in the playoffs. This time, the Pistons got destroyed on the glass, 44-28. Again, Billups did not seem right and posted a team worst -25 over only 27 minutes. Ouch. And he went 1 for 6 from the field with only 4 assists and 2 TOs. Stuckey, the backup to Billups, played well in 29 minutes off the bench and had a +3 in a losing effort, which makes his contributions look even better. I suppose that is "15% power of will."

Game 4 - The Pistons closed the rebounding deficit to 38-34, behind McDyess's dominating 21 points and 16 rebounds. Again, Billups played well getting 7 assists, 0 TOs, and the team only had 7 TOs all game.

Perhaps the Pistons just need to have 5% more pleasure on the court and then they will succeed.
Western Conference - Barring a dramatic turnaround, the Spurs are done. When Manu Ginobili plays well, the Spurs win. Only problem is, Manu has only had one good game so far.

Corrections: Indians at Rockbottom

Another week, another batch of corrections from the BSD

On Tuesday we noted that 1001001 was the Indians run totals in the last week. Instead the numerals were binary code for designing a tic-tac-toe game. The Cleveland Indians output was 100201 and the final game they simply surrendered.

Travis Hafner, pictured above, following an at bat

It was incorrectly noted that Charlie Weis was a Chip N Dales Dancer. Apparently Weis lost in a dance-off to Lou Holtz. After all photos don’t lie.

It was incorrectly noted that Christiano Ronaldo’s girlfriend, Nereida Gallardo, was easy. It should have read Nereida Gallardo is very easy and likes to party

While it correctly was noted that I went to see Indiana Jones instead of watching tennis, I was incorrect in doing so. The movie sucked and I missed out on watching Ashley Harleroad, who will soon be in Playboy. As an important figure in the media I should better study her capabilities and assets.

Will be in MJ's library soon...

It was incorrectly noted that Kobe Bryant never did anything good off the basketball court. He in fact jumped over a pool of snakes to dunk a basketball with the JackAss crew. Which is in fact Awesome.

It was correctly noted that the editors made a terrible awful mistake in not ordering a subscription to the Italian GQ. This had been since corrected....

La Dolce Vita

NFL Preview Quickie: NFC East

I know its not even June and you're thinking football. Short answer , yes. Longer answer I could care less about the NBA Playoffs, the Indians couldn't hit a crack whore and politics is fundamentally on pause till August (at least in any positive way). So I'll be running weekly quickies on the division. Which according to my math should take about 13 weeks with inflation being what it is. So here's as of 5/23 my Power Ranking and Phrases for the NFC East.

1. Dallas - "Knife's Edge" - Dallas has gone into the playoffs two years running with high expectations and gone over like Tony Kornheiser at a blogger convention...not too well. Rather than re-thinking their strategy Jones added even more fuel with combustable PacMan Jones, a couch on the hot seat, TO not being tranquillized and trade rumors. It will take only a push to turn the Cowbitches into the Bengals.

2. G-Men "Who are You?" The Giants last year will go down as mystery killers ending the Patriots romp into ESPN's Hall o'Fame. A team locked in mediocrity flipped a switch and at least during the playoff team played well elite (even Eli). But the question is was that a fluke? IF, and its a big IF, they play like the end of the year this a NFC favorite. Otherwise they are candidates to causing MJ's 3rd coronary.

3. Philly "The End is Near" Donovan Mcnabb's stay in Philly is quickly coming to an end. He knows it, Reid knows it, the fans know, that drunk hobo on your street corner knows it. How can that not impact things? But in what direction? Yes Philly loaded up on their secondary but it was their lines that was suspect last year.

4. Washington "Hmmm" New coach? Check. Uncertain young offensive weapons? Check. Young QB coming back from platella being on backwards? Check. Aging running back? Check. I have no clue what to make out these guys outside of they're somewhere between 6-10 and 10-6. Like most of the NFL....

so what's your list and big questions....

It's Joba Time (Almost)

Well, the moment every Yankee fan has been waiting for seems to be around the corner. I suspect that by this time next month, Joba Chamberlain will be a member of the starting rotation, most likely squeezing fellow rookie Ian Kennedy back down to the Triple-A Yankees in Scranton, PA.

As long as the team uses him judiciously between now and then, stretching him out and strengthening his arm gradually, I see no cause for concern. Joba has all the tools to be a great pitcher in the big leagues and only health and a little luck stand in his way. Of the three youngsters on the Yanks this year, Joba’s by far my favorite. I wish him all the success – and fist-pumps – in the world.

With The First Pick in the 2008 Draft...

Mortimer, we're back!

Things You Don't See Everyday for $200

Flying RC Penis Disrupts Garry Kasporov Speech

**I'll be honest didn't see those words coming together to form a sentence. Click the link for a video that might not be suitable at work unless its normal for there to be flying penises at work..MJ I'm looking at you...

Corrections: Nick Saban Not Charles Taylor

More Corrections (or the weekly spot where the BSD fesses up to incorrect articles published earlier in the week)

We incorrectly noted that a witness was quoted as saying "I never saw Nick Saban eat human flesh or order his soldiers to do so". The witness, Moses Blah, evidently was referring to Liberian Warlord Charles Taylor not Nick Saban. While we were incorrect, the witness did not dismiss the possibility of Nick Saban participating in cannibalism, hence the source of the confusion.

Not on Trial for Crimes Against Humanity , yet

In the corrections section last week we noted the possibility that the Living Dead, formerly known as the San Antonio Spurs, could be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. Apparently that only kills vampires and Joan Rivers. The only way to kill the Spurs is via Decapitation.

Stakes.... ineffective against Tim Duncan

Earlier we said Techmo Bowl was the greatest Football video game ever. After watching Randy Moss do the Soulja Boy dance after a touchdown we can honestly say Madden 2009 will be the greatest video games ever.

CNNSI reported that Philly is the most suffering Sports City since they have had the longest wait of any city with 4 sports team. This is incorrect. This is not only incorrect but patently false. Nobody suffers more than a Cleveland Fan. And maybe people that race camels through the Sahara with hemroids. Why the fuck should 4 sports matter? Is hockey even a real sport? Hey why not semi-pro badminton? You suck CNNSI.

Sidney Crosby (picture on left) apparently considered professional

It was incorrectly noted supermodel Bar Rafaeli would only date a man after he beat her in a one on one Judo match. This is incorrect. The Israeli Army trained Supermodel will also take on any comers in Karate, Aikido or Brazillian Drunken Boxing. She has yet to be defeated.

Time To Move On, Old Man

As much respect as I have for Hank Aaron, I think he would be wise to stay away from proclamations such as this:

“I still consider myself the home-run king...This is advice from an old man who has been a lot of places, seen a lot of things. Be careful before you make choices. Avoid shortcuts. They are quick fixes and unrewarding.”

Common sense dictates that we conclude Barry Bonds’s 762 career homers as somewhat invalidated. Nevertheless, the concept of the asterisk is preposterous. You can’t undo history. You can’t pretend that every one of those 762 homeruns didn’t happen. As much as some people might be offended that the official baseball record lists potentially compromised statistics, the fact remains that these statistics count as much as the ones we deem above reproach.

It does Hank Aaron no good to make these sorts of statements. Racism marred his ascension to the homerun title. But the truth is that just as Aaron wants to rationalize his primacy on the all-time list by bringing up the steroids issue, one could mention that Aaron had the benefit of an additional 3,966 at-bats when he outpaced Babe Ruth. Had Ruth gotten an extra 3,966 at-bats and hit homeruns at his regular frequency (1 HR/11.80 AB), he would have ended up with 1,048 for his career.

Granted, that’s a ridiculous argument to make. But so is harboring sour grapes that someone passed you on the all-time homerun list. Get over it.

Apology Letter to Doc Rivers and the Celtics

Dear Doc Rivers,

I am sorry I ever doubted you, Doc Rivers. I am sorry I said that I compared the 2007-2008 Boston Celtics to the movie Freejack, in that both would end up with terrible endings. I am sorry I said that even a caveman could outcoach Doc Rivers.

Doc Rivers finally did something to positively impact his team - Coach Rivers realized that Eddie House was destroying the Cavs, and that Sam Cassell was not helping very much. Eddie House finally played more than 5 minutes in Game 6 and ended up playing 18 minutes and contributing well, albeit in a loss. In Game 7, House may not have scored much, but was involved in some hustle plays and played solid defense, as far as I can remember. While Sam Cassell was hot in Game 1, he really wasn't much of a factor since, and Doc Rivers finally noticed and just refused to play Sam Cassell in Game 7. While Rivers was able to figure out a better rotation as the series progressed, Coach Mike Brown was busy finding new lineups that did not work. For example, Game 6 had a Damon Jones, Sasha Pavlovic, Wally Szczerbiak trifecta and Game 7 had an awful backcourt of Damon Jones and Sasha Pavlovic for extended periods. Mike Brown would certainly point out that Daniel Gibson was injured, so he was forced to play Damon Jones, but Devin Brown was still available (instead of either Sasha or Damon). For some reason, Devin Brown played only played a combined 5 minutes the entire series, despite playing very well in April leading up to the playoffs.

An even bigger continuing problem for Mike Brown, is deferring responsibility to LeBron James. Mike Brown has said in various post-games reports over the years how he "trusts LeBron" in reference to any last-second decisions, passes, or shots taken by Lebron. These quotes make it apparent to me that the Cavs do not even call plays at the ends of the game (hence the LeBron James clear-out play, where everyone sits around and watches him). If the reason that Mike Brown does not really coach the offense is because he doesn't want to upset Lebron, I can understand that. Mike Brown wants to keep his job, obviously. However, Mike Brown is going to have to develop some sort of relationship with LeBron where he can make sure that certain mis-matches are exploited. Throughout this series, the Celtics really do not have anyone to guard Zydrunas Ilgauskas, though the boxscores do not tell the whole story. During Game 6, Z came into the game and single-handedly started a run by scoring 6 points, collecting 2 rebounds, and blocking 1 shot. Unfortunately, Z was not able to get any consistent shots in that game or game 7, because... well, it's up to LeBron each and every moment, which only brings about additional inconsistency. I understand that LeBron needs less of a structured offense, but it would probably have been helpful to integrate Z more often, especially in the crucial Game 7. LeBron is relied on for a lot, and in the end, LeBron should not be relied on for every strategic decision, as Mike Brown should be exerting some direction to the offense, rather than just watching the offense like a helpless spectator.

So in the end, I have to apologize to Doc Rivers. Game 7 showed that Doc Rivers found a better rotation, and he had Paul Pierce and Mike Brown to help him out and save the Celtics. I should have realized these were distinct possibilities, and I apologize for mocking Doc Rivers and claiming that he was an idiotic head coach. It's not like these other factors couldn't have possibly contributed to the Celtics victory in this series.

The funny thing? Now, either Coach Doc Rivers or Coach Flip Saunders will end up in the NBA Finals this year.

Game 6: Boston v. Cleveland Recap

As you can clearly see in the video in the first half while the Cavs tried to make an early kill they were driven back by the tenacious Celts defense. However in the 2nd Half The King returned and broke the back of KG and the Celts. Onto Game 7.

Cavs v. Celts: Game 5 Recap

What's that? We're supposed to call fouls on Boston? I better check with the boss on that one.

Down by 3, under a minute left

Orlando was faced, yesterday, with a common occurrence in basketball games. Down by 3, with the ball, and on its last possession (not counting fouls, turnovers, etc). The dominant strategy in the NBA has always been to go for 2, foul, and hope that the other team misses 1 or more free-throws, and quickly make another 2.

While this might be the risk-averse strategy, attempting to extend the game, it is not likely the correct decision - or, at least visits a revisit.

Ok, so, we'll have to start with some assumptions: lets assume that your probability of making a 2 point basket, when down by 3 is pretty high (since the other team will not likely foul and put you on the line with a chance to tie the game) - lets put this probability at 60%. Lets assume that the free throw % for the opposing team is just 70% (low, if you end up putting Rip Hamilton on the line). Lets put the probability at making your 2nd 2 point shot at 50% (here the opposing team is playing full out defense to try to prevent you from winning the game, and the refs are notorious for not calling fouls in this situation). If these are true, your probability of tying the game is: .6*(.3+.3-(.3*.3))*.5 = .15, or just 15%. Your probability of winning the game (ie - the opposing team misses both free throws), in this situation is just 2.7%. If the free throw % of the other team rises, your chances at tying or winning become even more minuscule.

(note on assumptions: last night, Orlando shot 55% from 2, and 36% from 3. Detroit shot 87% from the line. Jameer Nelson was 41% from 3 on the season, and was 2/3 last night). Using these figures, the probability of tying the game is 8%, and the probability of going up by 1 is just .6%

This means, that if you can hit a 3 pointer at just 15% (or even as low as 8%), you have a better shot at tying the game with a 3 pointer. Even if the other team (Detroit, in this example), gets another shot at the basket, you still have a much better chance at sending the game into overtime or winning the game if you shoot the 3-ball. With Jameer Nelson averaging over 41% for the season (and shooting well last night), he ties the game with probability 41%, and Detroit then wins the game with a buzzer beater with probability 36% (Detroit's field goal % last night), putting the possibility of the game going into overtime at 27%, as opposed to 8%. If its under 24 seconds, as opposed to just under a minute, the calculations would much more favor shooting a 3, rather than a 2, as you can hold until last possession, and tie the game with the probability of tying and sending the game into over time at 36% (Orlando's 3 pt % last night), as opposed to 8%.

Ok, so, there are some simplifications and weaknesses here. This ignores any dumb turnovers by Detroit, but, since they only had 3 turnovers on the entire night, the probability of them not being able to inbound the ball seems slim. This ignores offensive rebounds and second chance points, but - 3 point shots create opportunities for long rebounds and more second chance points. Obviously all the assumptions made determine the outcome, but, I use assumptions that highly favor shooting a 2 pointer over a 3 pointer.

The conclusion of this is that it seems that under any reasonable specification, the dominant strategy ought to be to take the 3, rather than get 2, foul, and make another 2.

Corrections Week O' 5/16

As always your week in corrections.....

It was incorrectly reported that Terrel Owens won an Oscar for his portrayal of Othello.TO had a cameo in a direct to the internet porno, which apparently is very different than Shakespeare.


On May 12th it was reported that KG transformed into a werewolf and devoured Paul Pierce. KG in fact devoured Ray Allen.


On May 14th it was reported that brain dead Zombies, after destroying New York, had turned their attention to the remains of New Orleans. The Zombies were in fact the San Antonio Spurs and the city was Phoenix. We apologize for that error.


On May 12th we reported that John McCain was younger than the State of Alaska. This is in fact untrue. McCain while older than Alaska is in fact younger than Georgia.

We reported that the Michigan Football Program was closed next year due to renovations. In actuality it the Michigan Football Stadium that is closed for renovations and only for the summer. We apologize for the confusion.


On May 10th we reported that Ali Larter did something. We are unsure what we said as we were starring at her while writing the report. Frankly it was unimportant what Ali Larter did. We apologize for taking up space instead of showing more of Ali Larter.

You Stay Classy KG

I'm not saying I'm a lip reading expert but this instance it was pretty obvious.

(h/t http://www.waitingfornextyear.com/?p=1098

Dignity

"LeBron James, with no regard for human life!"

Best basketball quote ever.

Sam Cassell is Kif

I'm back baby.

i know its been awhile since i posted, but i swear i have been reading, and enjoying every minute.....even gusty's articles.

anyway, in watching the cavs-celtics series, only one thought haunts me, that Sam Cassell is Lt. Kif Kroker from Futurama.

judge for yourself, go cavs.

and now that cassell plays for the celtics, who are green, its even more perfect.

Fulham Survives; Americans Breathe Easier

A dramatic afternoon took place earlier in the day over in England. Fulham needed a victory to avoid being relegated (i.e. sent down to the minors). Fulham miracously had a 1-0 victory to just squeak out survival in the Premier League for the 2nd straight season. For those unaware, last season, Fulham needed a goal by American Clint Dempsey to secure a 1-0 victory and avoid relegation.

There is a simple reason that every American should care about Fulham avoiding relegation yet again: Fulham has a preposterous amount of Americans on its team, including: Carlos Bocanegra, Clint Dempsey, 24-year old Eddie Johnson, Brian McBride, and the fossil remains of Kasey Keller.

Now, I wil continue to have a team to root for next season in the Premier League on Fox Soccer Channel.
U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!