Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Super bowl Preview: Is Bill Belichick a Sith Lord?

Super Bowl week is a joyous time of the year for every American. It’s a time to eat heavily, drink heavily, and refuse to go to the bathroom during the commercials. It’s also a time of the year, where recently, I’ve enjoyed comparing head coaches to other fictional characters. It started in 2006, with Sgt. Slaughter (Cowher) vs. Colonel Mustard (Mike Holmgren) and continued in 2007 with McDowell’s, the dad from Coming to America (Lovey Smith).

Which leads me to the most important question of this week: Is New England Patriots Coach Bill Belichick actually a Sith Lord??? I actually pointed this out briefly, in the comments of a post back in March 2007. I probably was not the first to make the analogy, but since then, other stories have actually published, accusing Belichick of being a Sith Lord, including a quote by Frank of “Frank TV” from this past December. Thus, the time has come to analyze, once and for all, whether Belichick is indeed the Sith Lord that Yoda has been fearing. I’ve devised some important questions that will help us in this determination:

1) Does he ever pull a hood over his head when he gets angry?
Yes, see the picture. He apparently wears a hood 95% of the time, in case he ever decides to get angry and kill children.
2) Sith travel in twos – a master and an apprentice. Does Belichick travel in two?
Yes, he used to follow his father around, who was coach of Navy. Then, Belichick’s first true master was Bill Parcells. Belichick has then had a number of apprentices since becoming a master including Charlie Weis, Eric Mangini, and current offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels.
3) Sith Lord, Emperor Palpatine, once said, "The Sith rely on their passion for their strength. They think inwards only about themselves." Does Belichick only think about himself?
Remember when Belichick was coach of the Jets for a day? Check out this quote:
"I knew I did the right thing and I didn't know where my career was going to go. I knew what wasn't going to happen. … All the things I said then, frankly they've all come true. Every aspect of the organization that I commented on, it looks to me like that's the way I saw it then and that's the way it turned out. … I can't really worry about what other people say. I had to do what was right for me, and that's what I did."
Yes, of course Belichick thinks only about himself. Moreover, he has a quest for becoming the greatest coach in the history of the NFL that wears a hooded cloak. Coincidence? I think not. Thus, the conclusion is unavoidable and clearly Bill Belichick is a Sith Lord. Samuel L. Jackson better be on high alert!

Despite this frightening conclusion that Belichick is indeed a Sith Lord, the rest of the galaxy still has some hope this upcoming Sunday. Belichick’s opponent in this Super Bowl is none other than Tom Coughlin. Tom Coughlin may look like Freddy Krueger, as shown last week here on BSD, because his face was exposed to the -20 degree weather in Green Bay. Unfortunately, Coughlin does not appear to have the powers of Freddy Krueger, so it will be very difficult for the Giants to succeed. As far as I can tell, Coach Coughlin does not enter my dreams, and if anyone's aware of him appearing in their dreams, we would all love to hear about it.

Despite Coughlin not being Freddy Krueger, what actually may give some hope is that Coughlin once viewed Bill Parcells as his mentor, and Belichick just happens to be an apprentice of Bill Parcells! Coughlin, who apparently was receivers coach from 1988-1990 on the Giants when Parcells was coach and when Belichick was defensive coordinator , may have also learned some things from Parcells. Hell, Coughlin may even know how to also shoot electricity from his hands, but let’s not count our chickens before they’ve hatched. The fact that gives me hope is that maybe, just maybe, Coughlin was able to learn something about Belichick when they were both coaching on the Giants at the same time. Hopefully for the sake of the galaxy, Coughlin knows some secret thing that Belichick is allergic to and Coughlin will exploit this allergy. Maybe it’s curry? Or mustard? Or cutting off the hood from his sweatshirt during warm-ups? Maybe it’s using the spread option formation which I assume Belichick has never seen?

Ultimately though, short of Coughlin discovering Belichick's weakness, I think the Patriots are going to win easily because the Giants already played a near-perfect game against the Patriots in December… and still lost.

There’s only one thing that can be done now, and that is to cue up the John Williams soundtrack, because Sith Lord Bill Belichick cannot be stopped.

Pick: New England 35, NY Giants 17

Championship week: 1-1
Playoffs: 6-4 (pretty crappy indeed)

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