Can the United States government bail out the Cleveland Browns?
All the banks that are in trouble (except for National City, which is in Cleveland) have received assistance from the federal government. Now, the auto makers are trying to get in on the fun, they want $25 billion in help from the government. Well, if they can apply to the government for help, why can’t the Browns. Let’s be honest, the Banks and Automakers are facing tough times and hardships, but their sadness is dwarfed by the level of crap that sits in Cleveland Browns stadium. From the top-down is a massive black hole of logic and aptitude that seems to waste talent, money, and my time. Let’s look at some of the poster children for a massive government bailout.
1. Phil Savage, this week he sent out an email that contained f-bombs. I haven’t gotten the full story, but deadspin.com reported that some irate fan got under his skin and they got into an email shouting match, and Savage dropped the f-bomb on that guy, which later exploded and the fallout seemed to engorge the entire cleveland media, NICE! Good leadership. You know you may not be the best GM when you allow a drunken irate fan to get so under your skin that you not only respond, but do so in email and manage to sound like a whiny baby. Let’s not forget that its been an entire month since Savage threw himself under the bus by allowing one of the few star players on the team (the No limit Solja Kellen Winslow) to say Savage never visited him in the hospital when Winslow had a staph infection. So, my suggestion for how the government can fix the team in regards to Savage: make him more like his long lost cousin Randy Savage and allow Savage to snap it to a slim jim and dress like the Macho Man.
All the banks that are in trouble (except for National City, which is in Cleveland) have received assistance from the federal government. Now, the auto makers are trying to get in on the fun, they want $25 billion in help from the government. Well, if they can apply to the government for help, why can’t the Browns. Let’s be honest, the Banks and Automakers are facing tough times and hardships, but their sadness is dwarfed by the level of crap that sits in Cleveland Browns stadium. From the top-down is a massive black hole of logic and aptitude that seems to waste talent, money, and my time. Let’s look at some of the poster children for a massive government bailout.
1. Phil Savage, this week he sent out an email that contained f-bombs. I haven’t gotten the full story, but deadspin.com reported that some irate fan got under his skin and they got into an email shouting match, and Savage dropped the f-bomb on that guy, which later exploded and the fallout seemed to engorge the entire cleveland media, NICE! Good leadership. You know you may not be the best GM when you allow a drunken irate fan to get so under your skin that you not only respond, but do so in email and manage to sound like a whiny baby. Let’s not forget that its been an entire month since Savage threw himself under the bus by allowing one of the few star players on the team (the No limit Solja Kellen Winslow) to say Savage never visited him in the hospital when Winslow had a staph infection. So, my suggestion for how the government can fix the team in regards to Savage: make him more like his long lost cousin Randy Savage and allow Savage to snap it to a slim jim and dress like the Macho Man.
2. Romeo Crennel, come on government, this one speaks for itself. I mean, for gods sake, we have the spitting image of Sherman Klump as our coach. He has no ability to manage a clock, capitalize on momentum, or adjust to a game as it unfolds. I mean, we lost to the Texans yesterday. The Texans hadn’t won a road game in a year. And we didn’t even come close to winning; we did lost by only 10, but we really shouldve lost by 30 points. We let Sage Rosenfels throw over 250 yards against us. How can the head coach not recognize after 2 drives that giving all their receivers a 5 yard cushion may not be working. What I have to ask is: if we aren’t any pressure on the QB, and our secondary is playing with 5 yard cushions on all receivers, then are you sure there are 11 defenders out there? Also, when are you going to bench Braylon Edwards? The guy obviously has a problem, but if you leave him out there, he aint going to get the message. The guy has something like 22 dropped balls in 10 games. I really don’t think I need to account for the failures of romeo anymore, its pretty self-explanatory. Romeo needs to go. So, my suggestion of how the government can help: give us a new coach. Maybe we can use a government employee who is suited for this job. Someone with leadership experience would be great. You know, former Senator Ted Stevens is out of a job, maybe we could take him off Washington’s hands.
3. Braylon Edwards, oh god how he makes me sad. The guy’s hands are even slipperier than a Brazilian Hooker’s hands. But the ridiculous thing is that whenever he actually does make a catch, its usually one of those that are really tough and you are shocked that any receiver held onto the ball. He can make the crazy catches, but not the easy ones, weird, huh? Plus, he gets at least one false start penalty a game. The most frustrating thing is that you know this guy has talent, you know he’s not a bust, because he did so well last year. Now, I would like the government to provide Edwards with some sort of handout, but I have quid pro quo type arrangement: allow Braylon to be the test subject for some type of government-created hand-adhesive that allows him to catch better, and in exchange he gets to use it in games. Think of all the applications, I’m sure NASA could use it for space as well.
4. Brandon Macdonald-what happened to this guy. Last year he came in to replace an injured cornerback and did really well. But this year, he has been made everyone’s bitch. He is listed as 5'10", but on the field he looks like Webster trying to cover Alex Karras. Teams just keep going over the top on him, but they can just as easily go around him too because he isnt that fast. I take this opportunity to ask the government to robotically engineer Brandon McDonald to give him go-go-Gadget legs so he can do his job. And while we are at it, can you give him a helmet that has a helicopter built in too? That would be great for blocking kicks ands punts.
3. Braylon Edwards, oh god how he makes me sad. The guy’s hands are even slipperier than a Brazilian Hooker’s hands. But the ridiculous thing is that whenever he actually does make a catch, its usually one of those that are really tough and you are shocked that any receiver held onto the ball. He can make the crazy catches, but not the easy ones, weird, huh? Plus, he gets at least one false start penalty a game. The most frustrating thing is that you know this guy has talent, you know he’s not a bust, because he did so well last year. Now, I would like the government to provide Edwards with some sort of handout, but I have quid pro quo type arrangement: allow Braylon to be the test subject for some type of government-created hand-adhesive that allows him to catch better, and in exchange he gets to use it in games. Think of all the applications, I’m sure NASA could use it for space as well.
4. Brandon Macdonald-what happened to this guy. Last year he came in to replace an injured cornerback and did really well. But this year, he has been made everyone’s bitch. He is listed as 5'10", but on the field he looks like Webster trying to cover Alex Karras. Teams just keep going over the top on him, but they can just as easily go around him too because he isnt that fast. I take this opportunity to ask the government to robotically engineer Brandon McDonald to give him go-go-Gadget legs so he can do his job. And while we are at it, can you give him a helmet that has a helicopter built in too? That would be great for blocking kicks ands punts.
5. Shaun Rogers, no complaints about this guy, he is fun to watch. So, I would ask the government to clone him twice, and put his clones on the line with him. That would be one hell of a 3-4. That would shut down any running game.
6. The linebackers, on paper, this is a quality squad: McGinest, Wimbley, Da’Quell Jackson, and Andra Davis. However, in each game, what have these guys done? The four of them have a total of 5 sacks all year, that ½ a sack per game form your entire linebacking core. 3 of those are from Wimley alone. And these guys provide nothing in terms of coverage, so the question is what are they doing all game? Please government, send me a purpose for these linebackers.
Well, that’s my wishlist for the government, please bailout the browns.
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