Fact Pattern

Here are the facts for the Saturday, June 3, 2006 game between the New York Yankees and Baltimore Orioles:

1. Runs will be at a premium today: In addition to a spate of bad luck for Gary Sheffield and Hideki Matsui, both likely out for the season with wrist injuries, the Yankees enter today’s game without Jason Giambi and Alex Rodriguez, each suffering from a case of the flu. Besides Damon, Jeter, and Posada, the rest of the Yankees in the lineup are Melky Cabrera (LF), Kevin Thompson (RF), Andy Phillips (1B), Miguel Cairo (3B), and Bernie Williams (DH).

2. The bullpen is short today: The Yankees go into today’s game short three relievers. Mariano Rivera is day-to-day with back spasms, Kyle Farnsworth is unavailable after working three consecutive games, and Darrell Rasner, recently called up from Triple-A, was put on the DL after pitching only one inning in the big leagues.

3. Length is required from the starter: With a tired and undermanned bullpen for today’s game, the Yankees need a strong outing from their starter, Randy Johnson.

4. Joe Torre is a moron: Synthesizing the information from fact patterns 1, 2, and 3 above, the Yankees needed to grind out as many runs as they could and hope that the Big Unit could go deep into the game in order to save a temporarily short-staffed bullpen.

While it would be the utmost in hyperbole to say that Joe Torre is the worst manager in baseball (that distinction probably goes to Dusty Baker), it nevertheless annoys me beyond belief when I watch Torre fumble decisions turning winnable games into close contests or pathetic losses.

Case in point, today’s game, where the Yanks came back from a 3-1 deficit to take a 5-3 lead going into the bottom of the 8th inning. RJ did his job, going a strong 7 1/3 innings with 8 K’s and only 3 hits allowed. Instead of letting RJ work out of a one out walk in the 8th inning with the tying run coming to bat, Torre decides to go with setup man Scott Proctor for the final five outs. WHAT?! Torre wouldn’t go with Rivera for five outs on the road and Rivera’s a better pitcher than Scott Proctor. So why would Torre opt for a five out save with a guy who is far less reliable than his Hall of Fame closer? Predictably, Proctor allowed the inherited runner to score and then gave up the tying run to blow the save and Randy’s shot at a win. That’s Torre Blunder #1.

Fortunately for the Yankees, Johnny Damon leads off the top of the 10th inning with a solo homer to put the Yankees up 6-5. Torre replaces Scott Proctor with lefty specialist Mike Myers to open the bottom of the 10th inning. Here’s Torre Blunder #2: the O’s leadoff hitter is Brian Roberts, a right-handed batter. Torre gets lucky as Roberts lines out to Jeter on the first pitch.

Torre Blunders #3 and #4 come when he replaces Myers with starter Chien-Ming Wang. Not only is Wang scheduled to pitch on Tuesday vs. the Boston Red Sox, a game far more important to the standings than today’s game (Torre Blunder #3) but Torre inexplicably leaves lefty setup man Ron Villone in the bullpen (Torre Blunder #4). Why not have Villone, a reliever, come in to face Melvin Mora, Miguel Tejada, and Ramon Hernandez?

Torre Blunder #4 is predicated on his (and, in fairness, others’) slavish devotion to the lefty-righty matchup. This stupid development of managing by the numbers is a post I’ll save for another day. In the meantime, in case Torre was wondering, righties are only hitting .232 vs. Ron Villone. Not that Torre cares about such things, of course.

Wang gave up two singles but managed to hold down the game and the Yanks won 6-5.

The final Torre Blunder of the day is a general observation that demonstrates his screwy logic. If Torre is such a big fan of going with the righty pitcher to face righty hitters (hence the decision to go with Wang over Villone), then why bring Mike Myers in to face Brian Roberts? Why not just have Wang start the 10th inning? Torre Blunder #5 proves that Torre is a slave to routine, except when he isn't. The man is simply inept when it comes to the proper use of his bullpen and bench players.

In short, the Yankees had this game in the bag – up by two with five outs remaining – but nearly pissed it away. We can infer from Torre’s incessant nose-picking that he has indeed reached the cranial cavity with his index finger and wiped off gray matter along with his boogers on the dugout bench. How else to explain five brain farts of that magnitude in the span of 2 2/3 innings?

Fire that motherfucker. It’s time.

* * * * *

Side notes:

-Much to the chagrin of Yankee-haters and ESPN, reports of Randy Johnson’s demise were greatly exaggerated. In his past two starts, RJ has posted a 2.70 ERA, a microscopic 0.825 WHIP, and a strikeout rate of 8.1 per 9 IP. In his past three starts, his K/9 is 10.3. I think this proves that RJ’s troubles are mechanical in nature and that his improvement demonstrates that he is still able to pitch at a high level in the big leagues. Peter Gammons, the jerk store called, they're all out of you...

-The Yanks TV and radio broadcast teams (Michael Kay/Ken Singleton on TV; John Sterling/Suzyn Waldman on radio) did an absolutely terrible job tonight. Not once did they mention that Ron Villone was available in the bullpen. While I don’t think they should openly criticize the manager (that’s my job) they certainly should point out to the fans that Torre left some bullets in the gun, so to speak.

Simpsons and College Football

Pretty clever comparisons....well maybe for UGA fans. (just kidding, love the bulldogs).

Check it out here

Cheers and Jeers: Rainy Night

Ingredients:
3 shots Vodka
4 shots Whiskey
Peach juice to taste
dash Vermouth
1 Lemon

Well its the start of summer but here in the heart of Ohio it doesn't seem that way. The heavens have opened up and its been raining more or less continuously for three straight days. I knew it was bad when I saw my neighboring building an ark for his various plants, animals and favorite board games. However for me nothing is better than a bit of rain (well assuming I don't get flooded away). Curling up watching a little sports while its raining outside is probably one of the great national pastimes. Now the catch is which sport do you watch and how do you avoid getting up during the game? I propose the True Lazy Chair 4000 that has a conveyer belt from the fridge for beer delivery as well as built in toilet. Now sure that might not be ascetically pleasing but its utilitarian and on rainy days with sports thats what you want.

Cheers: To the Pirates. Its not often I'll cheer just about anything going on in Pittsburgh (maybe if the Plague happened there) but the lowly Pirates have won four in a row, sweeping the once promising Brewers. So everyone give the Pirates a rousing sarcastic clap.

Jeers: To Homeland Security. I know I know its sports blog and I know I'm giving some support to New Yorkers but the following things are classified landmarks/icons according to the Freedom Budget (or whatever Homeland security calls its funding review): The World's Largest Ball of Paint (Alexanderia, Indiana), The Museum of Bad Art (Dedham, Ma), Publius' Porn Collection (DC), and The Giant Lava Lamp (it actually covers three states) while not a single thing in all of New York City (even the corn beef sandwhich at the Carnegie Deli) is considered an icon/landmark by DHS.

Jeers: To CNNSI's constant top 5 , top 15, etc, lists. Its silly and insulting to have some chimp with a suit randomly selecting a player or event and pasting it on the internet. Unless its one of those super intelligent apes from the space program. I really can't compete against those apes.

Cheers: To David Hasselhoff. I just find it funny that he's a Dirk Nowitzki groupie. Or that Ernie Johnson is a Hasselhoff groupie. Or that Charles Barkley rips Ernie Johnson for that. Or that Charles Barkley doesn't realize he's on tv. Actually it all amuses me.

Regrets

1. I’m sorry the New York Yankees weren’t able to complete their first four-game sweep of the Tigers in Detroit since 1926. Joe Torre once again demonstrated how he does not understand how to properly use his bullpen or his bench and thus cost the Yanks a chance at taking a ½ game lead over the idle Red Sox. In fairness, it wasn’t all his fault. Starting pitcher Chien-Ming Wang had nothing last night and the Yanks left 11 runners on base. Nevertheless, I hope someone can get through to Clueless Joe soon because with the rash of injuries the Yanks have suffered thus far, every squandered opportunity will hurt more as the days and weeks pass. As usual, Brian Cashman is the silent partner in all this. He’s everything you don’t want in an executive – passive, inept, and deferential to his subordinates to the point of being a self-saboteur – but I don’t foresee a change anytime soon.

2. I’m sorry the Buffalo Sabres weren’t able to beat the Carolina Hurricanes last night in the Wales Conference championship. Yes, you read that correctly, I referred to it by its proper historic name (believe it or not, I was once a hockey fan). Anyway, it’s a shame that a blue-collar town like Buffalo that loves its hockey won’t get to enjoy the Stanley Cup finals vs. Edmonton. Hopefully the Oilers can win back the Cup for Canada and for the rest of the world that thinks the NHL should get the hell out of ridiculous markets like Raleigh, North Carolina.

3. I’m sorry the Dallas Mavericks won last night because it now seems inevitable that the Heat and Mavs will match up in the NBA Finals. As much as I like Dwayne Wade, his awesome skill and pleasant demeanor won’t overpower the stench of a Cuban/Nowitzki vs. Riley/O’Neal series. We’re talking about three egomaniacal bastards and a sneering European. God help us.

4. I’m sorry the World Cup doesn’t excite me as much as it should. Part of the blame lies in the fact that USA Soccer executives don’t have the first idea of how to run an effective sports marketing campaign. Why isn’t Freddy Adu on the US World Cup team? If USA Soccer’s primary function is to grow the sport in the United States, why not have the most marketable and recognizable name in American soccer on the national team? Even if he isn’t considered good enough (I don’t profess to know the first thing about soccer so I don’t know if he is or isn’t good enough), soccer won’t ever eclipse arena football, hockey, beach volleyball, bull riding or professional bowling in the United States if easy fixes like this one aren’t made. Obviously I understand that the goal of the World Cup is to win; I applaud American efforts to field the best team possible in their noble (but unrealistic) pursuit of the World Cup championship. But I just can’t see why combining the goals of winning and expanding soccer’s fan base in the United States should be mutually exclusive.

Enjoy your weekend…hopefully it will be regret-free.

Baseball News

1. Allard Baird was fired today as the GM of the Kansas City Royals. The question that must be asked is what took the Royals so long in pulling the trigger. Baird had been the assistant GM from 1998-2000 at which time he was promoted to GM. Under his “watch”, the Royals have had three 100-loss seasons, two 90-loss seasons, a cumulative record of 550-794 (.409), and five different managers in eight seasons.

Far worse is the fact that despite picking at or near the top of the amateur draft for each of the past eight seasons during Baird’s tenure, the team has not produced a single prospect of note that has contributed at the major league level. All of Baird’s trades were lopsided disasters that yielded no fruit.

So, I ask again, what on earth were the Royals waiting for? And at what point should Commissioner Selig, a man supposedly so interested in parity and competitive balance, have stepped in? Over the past eight years, Selig was too busy gerrymandering related party transactions between the Expos, Marlins, and Red Sox and accepting “loans” from Twins ownership to curry favor for contraction. Under his watchful eye, Commissioner Selig let the once-proud Kansas City Royals, a team that finished first or second for 11 straight seasons from 1975-1985, waste away. Selig and an apathetic ownership group let baseball die in Kansas City.

Hopefully Baird’s replacement is able to breathe some life back into the franchise and the city. Selig better hope so because, try as he might, he can’t blame the Royals’ situation on the Yankee and Red Sox spending machines. The Royals didn't die because they couldn't compete. They died from an unwillingness to compete; they died from neglect and gross mismanagement at the team and league levels.

2. I’m thrilled that Roger Clemens is rejoining the Houston Astros. Not only does it put an end to his unseemly Brett Favre-style money-grab but it also means that he isn’t going back to Boston. As a Yankee fan, that’s just plain good news.

A word to Roger: it’ll take a Herculean effort to get the Astros into the playoffs this year. I’m not saying it can’t be done – at this point last year the Astros were in last place with a 19-32 and 14 games out of first place – but the NL Wildcard won’t be an easy task. Right now the Braves, Phillies, Reds, Dodgers, Rockies, and Padres are all ahead of the Astros in the Wild Card race and the Brewers and Giants are close behind. We’ll see if Clemens can make the difference and we’ll find out if it was worth $14M to bring him back for the final four months of the season.

Religion and Sports

I figured it was high time we utilized the plethora of legal, spirtual and philosphical minds we have here at the Back Seat Drivers. I was listening to Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann today and they were discussing the Colorado Rockies Christian Code of Ethics that is imposed on the team. I assume that their banter was in part derived from this USATODAY article here. Now given the Air Forces struggles with this issue and James Dobson location I'm not entirely surprised that the Rockies were the team to openly and formally institute Christian (evangelical, born-again) guidelines. My question are thus:
1) What are the legal implications? When do guidelines become discrimination?
2) To what extent is this public move by the Rockies a trend in sports, an admission of de facto fact or an aberration?
3) How does influence public perception of Rockies, baseball and sports more generally?

I look forward to your answer....

What’s the Deal with That?

Pistons in a funk-

I just can’t get over the fact that the Pistons are down 3-1 to the Miami Heat. It’s shocking, and appalling. Shaq is at 100%, Wade is shooting a sizzling 70% for the series. Yet, the Pistons, who had one of the best seasons in recent memory, cannot keep up. I blame Rip Hamilton, who is shooting a paltry 37% from the field. Granted, its easy to latch onto any of the Pistons starters as the problem, but I feel like one of the main keys to the Pistons success is the fact that Rip Hamilton runs around like a lunatic out there, and ends up tiring whoever is guarding him.

NHL Playoffs -

The 8th-seeded Edmonton Oilers are awaiting an upcoming game 7 winner between Buffalo and Carolina. Canada has a great chance to win the cup perhaps. I’m rooting for Edmonton vs. Buffalo, mainly because Michael Peca is now on the Oilers. The good thing about the Stanley Cup Finals is that I believe NBC will be showing some games, so I can actually watch it!

Hiding in the bushes-

Check out this funny article, involving one of the Indians relievers. http://www.cleveland.com/weblogs/pdsports/index.ssf?/mtlogs/cleve_pdsports/archives/2006_05.html
Apparently, it was like 4AM, and RP Scott Sauerbeck let a drunken female drive his car. The cops noticed she was driving poorly, and they followed the car until it pulled into a random driveway. Sauerbeck and his lady-friend then promptly hid in the bushes between some houses in the hopes that the police wouldn’t find them. 45 minutes later, the police found them. I wish I knew what Sauerbeck said when they found him. He may have been drunk enough to think he was playing hide and go seek. Granted, when one is drunk, playing hide and go seek with the cops is probably not the best idea.

Tedious Talking Head...

Joe Theismann comes off as a sanctimonious dimwit in this article which, I suppose, isn’t too surprising. But it really does get tedious to have simple-minded ex-athletes tell the world what their version of morality is. Live and let live. What the hell does he care if the team he once played for 30 years ago wants to sign a player that has used drugs? What, there’s a law that says drug-users aren’t allowed to play professional sports? Did someone tell his ESPN colleague Michael Irvin about that? Someone should’ve told LT that before he stepped out onto the field and snapped Theismann’s leg like a chicken bone…

Man Law

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

That's DY-NO-MITE!

I won’t take credit for coming up with this but when I read that someone thought David “Big Papi” Ortiz looked liked Esther “Florida Evans” Rolle, I started cracking up and knew it was blog-worthy. Hopefully this one puts everyone in the mood to enjoy the unofficial start of summer.

So the next time ESPN fawns all over David Ortiz, just remember, he’s really a body-double for an overweight black actress from the 1970’s.

Happy Summer everyone!

Quick Tidbits

Two things caught my attention today:

1. The NFL denied Reggie Bush’s petition to wear #5 on his jersey. I would say I’m surprised but I’m really not. The NFL makes 700 Club founder Pat Robertson look like a rational moderate. I just don’t see why giving Reggie Bush the right to wear #5 makes that much of a difference but in a league as conservative as the NFL, any form of change or self-expression is deemed bad. If they had their druthers, the NFL Management Committee would prefer a league full of robots that were seen and not heard.

2. The Kansas City Royals are challenging the 1962 Mets for complete and utter “suckitude.” As of this writing, they’re on pace for a 37-125 season and they’re already 21 games behind the first place Detroit Tigers. Their mathematical elimination number stands at 97. The Royals might be eliminated by early August at this rate (August 11th, to be exact, if the Tigers and Royals maintain roughly the same pace of wins and losses). That’s just unbelievable. The entire team should be fired, starting with the owner and going right down to the last player in single-A rookie ball. That is one disgraceful franchise right there.

Future Movies About Sports Celebrities

In honor of the summer movies that are starting to open, or already have opened, I thought it would be fun to go through some of the top movies that I would like to film and/or create, based on some amount of reality, and a whole lot of fiction.

1) Onterrio Smith in “The Whiz”– The end scene of this movie would have that same piano music from The Firm. NFL agents would finally discover what was in Onterrio Smith’s briefcase, as Onterrio runs, jukes, and dekes his way through the airport. Unlike The Firm though, Onterrio is eventually tackled by one of the NFL agents (I think it would be funny if Warren Sapp played the agent), and Onterrio ends up turning over his Whizzinator, the creator of the Whizzinator, all of his powdered urine, and ends up getting suspended for 1 year. In real news, Onterrio just signed a contract with the CFL. I'm not sure whether that's a happy ending for the movie or not.

2) Ultimate Warrior in “Facepaint” - he’s not really in sports, but he had a great theme song. I’d write up a fictional piece about how he confuses his real self with his Warrior self, similar to the inner struggle in the movie Spider-Man and how the Green Goblin eventually takes over a mild-mannered scientist. In this movie, the Ultimate Warrior originally was a mild-mannered churchgoer. By the end, he listens to the voices in his head, he’s doing blow off of hookers, all WHILE his theme music is playing. I found this link to his website, where he dispells the rumors that his heart exploded, that he died, that he had a cousin do his role, and where he often talks about himself in the third person. http://www.ultimatewarrior.com/concept.htm

3) Albert Belle in “Don’t Call Me Joey” - So many action moments in this movie– throwing a ball at a fan, chasing down kids in your SUV who egg your house. The SUV scene would be amazing to film, though I’m still not sure how he didn’t run over the kids or crash his car. Every time someone calls him Joey, he loses his cool, kind of like Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future when people would call him “chicken” or “yellow.” Just like in Back to the Future, you’d have some dramatic music each time someone calls him Joey. Unlike Marty McFly though, Albert Belle literally beats the crap out of people when they call him Joey. Somehow by the end of the movie you’d feel sorry for him because of a debilitating back/hip injury (I can’t remember) that forces him to never play baseball again. The movie would end with him playing Mortal Kombat and ripping someone’s spine out.

4) Shawn Kemp in “Reign Man” - Add in some fiction and pretend that each of Shawn Kemp’s 9 mothers did not know about each other… until one fateful day! It’s polygamy to the greatest level! If that show on HBO, “Big Love” can succeed, I don’t see why this movie involving an NBA superstar polygamist wouldn’t work. Then you show him eating his way out of the league, starting with a fateful day where he eats 5 double Quarter Pounders to win a bet with Gary Payton.

5) Maurice Clarrett in “Run” - Real meaty, dramatic stuff in this movie – you could show Maurice getting caught w/ thousands of dollars in his SUV provided by the OSU boosters. You can also show legal arguments to allow him to get drafted, donations from boosters, getting drafted in the 3rd round, failing in training camp, and stealing from other people and then running away. During the scene where he steals, I would play the ‘80s song, “I wanna be rich.” This movie would have a really sad ending, as even Lebron James won’t return his phone calls by the end of the movie (they used to be friends, back when both were ready to take over the sports world).

6) Jose Canseco in “Juiced” – This movie would certainly have guest appearances by his brother, being king of the world (girls used to run on the field to give him a kiss), introducing everyone to steroids, writing a book, testifying before Congress, appearing on VH1’s the Simple Life. Wow. Now that’s what I call a movie!

I’m sure there are other good possibile movie ideas out there, so feel free to make some other suggestions.

Cheers and Jeers: Agent Orange Edition

Ingredients

• 1 oz Yukon Jack
• 1 oz Jim Beam
• 1 oz Apple schnapps
• 1 oz Vodka
• 1 oz Light rum
• 1 oz Triple sec
• 1/2 oz Grenadine
• 2 oz Orange juice

You might be wondering right now why this edition of Cheers and Jeers is a drink that basically representing every known type of liquor? What in the world does this have to do with sports? Will I die if I drink this? Well the answers are: World Cup, World Cup and probably. While most Americans are loathe admitting it, soccer better known as football is THE global sport. Everyone is included. Everyone goes to the party. And especially if you're English everyone gets drunk. There are more members of the international soccer federation, FIFA, (207) than there are members of the United Nations (191). While we here in the states are amazed by the national holiday known as the Super Bowl it's dwarfed in viewership by the World Cup final (218 million compared to 95). Sure we here in the USA find soccer an amusement, much like we find the notion of a Queen, but there are a bunch of reasons to cheer on the World Cup and here are some of my reasons (and their German translation given that World Cup will be held in Germany this year):

1) Region of Death (Lander des Todes) - Americans like fights and long odds. Well we got them. The USA is situated in one of the two toughest Groups (the round robin portion of the tournament) one could have. We face Ghana, the Czech Republic (turns out this indeed is a country) and Italy to get the next stage. Italy is having a few corruption problems and a nationwide shortage of gelatto so there's an outside hope. USA starts up on June 12th.

2) Revenge (Rache)- Lots of times in world history, stuff happens and a country really can't get back at the other side. World Cup lets a country get out its aggression in a healthy manner against a sworn enemy (unless of course war breaks out as a result of the soccer match as occasionally happens in Central America). Poland invades Germany in the first round and Angola plays its former colonial/brutal oppressor in Portugal. Last time Angola played Portugal the match had to be suspended. Who knew killing hundreds of thousands of people would leave such enmity?

3) Ronaldinho (Das Boot)- Brazil has won more World Cups than any other nation (Five in total. Germany is next with three). They play with a rhythmic style akin to the samba or Debbie Does Dallas (the good parts). This time Brazil is led by the young superstar known only as Ronaldinho. He may easily be the greatest player since Pele and only now is he reaching his prime. He is must see tv!

4) Juju (Das voodoo) - Ivory Coast is barely avoiding a civil war. As corny as it sounds the team really is a symbol of national unity as average citizens root on different ethnicities and religions (albeit only for their nation). Ivory Coast's President publicly apologized to a witch doctor, who had put a curse on the team in 2002, which directly resulted in the Ivory Coast making the tournament this year. According to the National Geographic Ivory Coast has used over 150 juju men to use magic, chicken blood, amulets and pigeon ears to ensure victory. Africa's soccer body has banned them from following the team but when has rules or regulations stopped a shaman? I fully expect that an Ivory Coast player will tear and possibly devour the heart out of a defeated foe.


So for all these reasons and more check out World Cup.

With all the cheering here's just a short list of my Jeers: Jeb Bush being contacted about the NFL commissioners office (there are so my problems with that I don't know where to begin), any interview involving Mark Cuban, traffic in Atlanta (where I'll be headed this weekend), and myself when I'm forced to agree with Steven A. Smith (when he defended Lebron James against a ridiculous argument from Ric Bufford that Lebron pulled a Kobe against the Pistons in Game 7).

The Choice

Remember, death is not an option:

You're a die-hard Cubs fan, at Comiskey Park, and Frank Thomas steps up to the plate for the A's.

(Thanks to Tribune columnist Steve Rosenbloom for the theme)

Sunday Night Baseball/Holy Cow The Royals Are Bad

I went to the Yanks-Mets game last night so I didn’t watch ESPN’s broadcast of the game. I was told that Peter Gammons was doing his usual one-sided reporting last night, blathering on like the Red Sox fan that he is. Apparently he said something to the effect of how ARod would have been more appreciated with Boston than he is with New York.

Honestly, how is Peter Gammons in the Baseball Hall of Fame with that kind of commentary? Besides the fact that his statement is completely untrue, that so-called pearl of wisdom does nothing to further the analysis and understanding of the game of baseball.

I won’t spend any words arguing why Gammons’ sentiment is utterly ridiculous; it should be self-evident. I will simply end with a question: how is it that a truly worthy Bostonian (Jim Rice) can’t make the Hall of Fame despite being one of the most productive players of his generation but that ancient, drunken deformity of creation (Peter Gammons) is so honored? Truly stupefying.

* * * * *

Not that this should be any surprise but I was checking the standings today and saw that the Kansas City Royals are already 18 games out of first place through the first 41 games of the season (25% of the season in the books). For those scoring at home, that puts the Royals elimination number at 103. It’s hard to believe that the Royals might be mathematically eliminated in mid to late August at their current rate of futility. Goddamn it must suck to be a baseball fan in Kansas City. Then again, their GM has made so many unacceptably bad trades^ that it’s no wonder the Royals stink.

^Johnny Damon and Mark Ellis to Oakland for Angel Berroa was bad...Jermaine Dye for Neifi Perez was worse. How GM Allard Baird kept his job, I have no idea...

The Drought

It was apropos that King James and the Cavaliers would take part in the "Great Drought". Five field goals and 23 measly points was all they could muster in the second half of a do or die Game 7 against the defending Eastern Conference champs. The event can now be formally catalogued and classified with the other heart breaking Cleveland sports playoff memories. To be fair the Cavs were never the favorites and never at the point were they should have won. The scrappy Cavs stoked the embers of championship hope to the city that has been the hand maiden of Victory for over forty years. Three straight victories over a lifeless bunch of no shows meant even the hardened cynic thought (albeit privately) maybe, just maybe they can do it. However after being up only two at halftime, the Pistons remembered who they were and the drought and route were on.

As Lebron exited stage left for the season ABC flashed the equivalent of finger nails on the chalkboard: The Drive, The Fumble, Mesa and Game 7. Of course the hardened fan remembers the broken foot of Jim Chones after the Miracle at Richfield in 1976, "Red Right-88"interception in 1980, the Fumble II, "The Collapse" against Pittsburgh not to mention just out and out losing to the Braves. This playoff run, though, the ashes weren't as bad. Of all the major sports, basketball is the one most built for dynasties. The Celtics or Bull teams dominated in ways that are unequaled in the other sports for a reason. Good basketball teams win in the NBA, fluke upsets are rare, and it takes a long time for a champion to be dethroned. The fact that a complete rematch of last year's conference championships is a distinct possibility should surprise no one. As such one doesn't expect an upstart team in its first playoff appearance to zig zag through the playoffs to collect a title. As long as Lebron stays put, the city could witness the equivalent of a deluge in the Sahara - a championship. That's the big if though, will King James sign and stay in his home? Given the NBA's history and the "Larry Bird Rule" it's likely, but its Cleveland sports and nobody knows when or if it'll rain.

Cheers and Jeers: White Russian Edition

Dude, We have a concern

White Russian:

• 2 oz Vanilla vodka (Stoli)
• 1 oz Kahlua
• Light cream or Milk

Well the Detroit Pistons have somehow morphed for an unstoppable juggernaut to Brandt of Big Lebowski fame. When the Cavs first showed up in the second round asking questions about the Little Lebowski urban achievers and wondering why someone micturated on their rug, Brandt err the Pistons laughed it off and mildly shooed them out the door. When the Cavs won a game, Rasheed Wallace reminded the Pistons "that their life was in their hands", just do what they're supposed to do and they'll be fine. Now, though, you can clearly see from the look on Tayshaun Prince's face or McDysess' expression, someone mailed them a toe and their wondering how to keep the plane from crashing into the mountain. I'm expecting that eventually the strumpet will come home and all will be well for Brandt but hey stranger things have happened….

Jeers: To Mighty Mike. Man did I blow bashing the second round of the NBA playoffs. It has been fun, entertaining and close. Well except for the Heat-Nets series. I nailed that one like the Matt Leinart on Paris Hilton. I just hope that we get we get a Game 7 in the Clippers - Suns series so that I can actually stay awake for the conclusion of their game….

Jeers: To current baseball players voicing support for Barry. Stop. You are embarrassing yourself. I know it’s a big fraternity thing and its expected to get your brothers back but just keep it private. It insults the intelligence of anyone listening followed quickly makes you seem either ignorant or have something to hide. So just stop.

Cheers: To Lewis Black. Just watch the Clip. He's great

Cheers: World Cup Soccer. Tune in Sunday/Monday for my reasons for watching that crazy game the rest of the world enjoys.

Required Reading For All Past/Present NBA Fans

Required reading for anyone that loves (or loved) the NBA. As a former die-hard NBA fan, I really enjoyed reading about Sleepy Floyd’s 51 point game in the 1987 playoffs.

Baseball News & Notes

Detroit Tigers: With a 6-4 win over the Minnesota Twins, the Tigers pushed their way into a tie for first place in the AL Central. This is the first time the Tigers have held first place this late in the season since 1993, which was also the last year they had a winning record. Think about that for a second. May 17th constitutes “this late in the season” for the Tigers. Crazy to think how bad the Tigers have been for all this time…

Tampa Bay Devil Rays: The D-Rays held on to beat the Chicago White Sox 10-7 in a game where they led the defending champs 10-1 going into the 8th inning. D-Rays pitcher Scott Kazmir pitched 7 innings of 5-hit ball, walking 2 and striking out 8. Kazmir ran his record up to 6-2 with a 2.73 ERA and 56 K’s in 56 IP. In other news, Mets pitcher Victor Zambrano is out for the season and his career may be finished. What a lousy trade that was. The responsible party, former Mets GM (and current Orioles GM) Jim Duquette is completely unemployable in my eyes...

Cleveland Indians: The Tribe solved their nagging Kansas City problem by beating the Royals 6-4 in a come-from-behind win. With reliever Rafael Betancourt back from the DL, perhaps the Indians can get back to winning baseball and forget this rough patch which has left them below .500.

New York Yankees: Down 9-0 after two innings and 13-12 in the bottom of the 9th with 2 outs, the Yanks rallied to win the game 14-13 on Jorge Posada’s walk-off 2-run homer off Rangers closer Akinori Otsuka. Given their patchwork lineup (Matsui, Sheffield, and Giambi all missed the game due to injuries), it’s remarkable that the Yankees were able to win this game from so far behind.

What does this all add up to? Baseball’s a funny game where good teams like the Indians and Yankees get their brains beaten in by inferior teams and cruddy teams like the D-Rays can always count on winning at least one game per week, even against stiff competition, thanks to the stupidity of the New York Mets.

IF David Stern Had a Time Machine

Stern just announced that the NBA will be, barring approval, changing the playoff format for next season, due to the shortsightedness of allowing the division winners to have the top 3 seeds. Now, a division winner can only go as low as the 4th seed. Of course, I would have gone for broke, and allowed division winners to be seeded as low as 8th. However, Stern wants to give some credit to the division winners, and this is certainly a big difference. This certainly does solve the problem of teams having an incentive to LOSE, as there was this year (the Clippers lost a bunch of games to finish in the 6th spot to face the Nuggets, and avoid playing Dallas in the 4-5 game). Even if you wanted to finish in the 5th spot, as opposed to the 3rd spot in the new rules, that seems like it would be difficult to do, and would require the loss of too many games, because the 6th seed would have a LARGE incentive to get into the 5th spot to play a weak 4-seed.

Anyway, the important question is what would have happened this season if David Stern had a time machine to change the rules. For instance, the Western conference would have turned out completely different. Let's just explore what would have happened:

1-San Antonio vs. 8-Sacramento – same outcome, with the Spurs winning in 6.
4-Denver vs. 5-Memphis – Eeesh. This could have been a wild series. As a matter of fact, instead of Denver GM Kiki Vandewegehe losing his job, he would have had his job 2 extra weeks until the Nuggets got bounced in the 2nd round. Memphis would have also won their 1st and 2nd playoff games, resulting in Memphis’s minute coach Mike Fratello going out and getting wasted because he usually performs poorly in the first round. And by the first round, I mean the playoffs in general. Fratello must be the "Czar" of regular season coaches who can't succeed in the post-season. He may even be worse than Marty Schotenheimer, who at least appears in conference championship games. I mean, Fratello had Dominique Wilkins in his prime!

3-Phoenix Suns vs. 6-LA Clippers – Aye carumba! This would have been a wild and wacky 1st-round series. Of course, the argument could be made that the LA Clippers would have actually won more games down the stretch to avoid the Suns. Phoenix in 7 (who knows?).

2-Dallas Mavs vs. 7-LA Lakers – This would have resulted in the Lakers getting demolished, as opposed to witnessing some of those insane Laker-Suns games that we saw this year. Dallas in 5.

San Antonio over Denver in 5. Carmelo Anthony tells everyone he's proud that he's not the next Tracy McGrady, because he can at least win in the playoffs.
Dallas over Phoenix in 6. Mark Cuban is finally happy, as his new, young PGs outplay, outwit, and outlast MVP and former Dallas Maverick Steve Nash.

And then San Antonio would have had more momentum, possibly, to overtake Dallas because Dallas’s secret weapon, Devin Harris, would already have been exposed and then exhausted, from dealing with Nash and Barbosa in Round two! Could the David Stern time machine have allowed San Antonio to make it to the NBA Finals??? The world may never know.