Friday, March 31, 2006

Segues

Thoughts before the weekend…

1. The Red Sox are prepared to give David Ortiz a four year, $50M contract. That’s Paul Konerko money. Now I understand that Ortiz doesn’t play a position but how could his agent accept this offer?

Ortiz essentially re-wrote the history of the Boston Red Sox franchise with his back-to-back game-winning hits against the New York Yankees in Games 4 and 5 of the 2004 ALCS. He single-handedly kept the Red Sox in the playoff chase last year when the Yankees streaked to a division title with a good September. He stands to go down as the best signing of a non-tendered player in baseball history. He’s more productive than Paul Konerko. He’s more marketable than Paul Konerko. He’s better in all regards except defensively.

If Konerko’s making $12.5M per year (Vlad money, inexplicably), then Ortiz is worth $14M. Ortiz’s genius is certainly tied to Manny’s position directly behind him in the lineup but I don’t think any righty pitcher wants to see Ortiz at the plate. I am certain that Paul Konerko doesn’t illicit such fear in pitchers.

2. While we’re on the subject of baseball, I would like to add my thoughts on Bud Selig’s appointment of George Mitchell as the chief investigator in the steroids inquiry.

Bud Selig is the worst commissioner in the history of baseball. I suppose that isn’t enough of an honor, however, so he’s making a run at the title of worst chief executive in the history of American business. Baseball thrives in spite of him. He exhibits no leadership or vision whatsoever and his reign has been fraught with conflicts of interest and shady dealings. The latest example of this, of course, is his selection of Senator Mitchell.

Mitchell, as is well-known by now, sits on the boards of both the Boston Red Sox and the Walt Disney Corporation, the parent company to ESPN. ESPN is baseball’s largest media-rights owner, paying MLB an average of $296M per season between 2006 and 2013 (total value: $2.36B). How serious can an investigation be when the investigator is financially vested not only in one of the teams but in the chief benefactor of the league? That Mitchell is an honorable man is not in dispute; that he’s the consummate insider in the baseball business taints the integrity of the investigation.

Worse yet is that the investigation will have to be wide-ranging so as not to appear as a vindictive inquisition of Barry Bonds. That means that Jason Giambi and Gary Sheffield, prominently mentioned in “Game of Shadows” (the book that launched this investigation in the first place) will be investigated by a board member of the Boston Red Sox. Only Bud Selig could see this as a legitimate investigation. How is this any different than asking Dick Cheney to investigate Halliburton in a case of no-contract bids for work in Iraqi oil fields? It’s the same damn thing and it stinks to high heaven.

3. And while on the subject of the steroids investigation, it should be pointed out that the investigation itself is doomed to failure because of the inherent stupidity in the way it will be carried out. As Buster Olney states his column, unless Senator Mitchell is prepared to ask tough questions of ownership, league management and union leadership, unless he is willing to widen the scope of the investigation beyond the players themselves, the whole investigation will amount to nothing more than a witch-hunt of too-little-too-late magnitude.

4. And while on the subject of stupidity, I’d like to switch gears for a second and rip the stupidity of the NBA’s decision to ban leggings. Who on earth comes up with this stuff? Why are leggings dangerous to the league’s image? While I didn’t agree with banning extra baggy shorts, I understood that the NBA was trying to move away from a look associated with urban youth culture which could be scary to corporate sponsors (besides the inherent racism in that position, of course…). But what’s wrong with leggings? Do gang-bangers wear leggings on the streets of Bedford-Stuyvesant or South Central LA? Have we seen rappers wearing leggings in MTV videos? This is just plain silly and a waste of time.

5. Finally, while we’re on the subject of things being banned, let’s all get Peter King banned from telling us about any future colonoscopies…read and be horrified:

“I was scheduled for a colonoscopy on Thursday in West Paterson, N.J. If you’ve had one, or if you’ve had any intestinal procedure, you know that the day before such an internal snaking you’ve got to be, well, cleaned out. One problem for me: On Wednesday, I was covering the Vince Young workout in Austin. My cleanout was due to begin at 1 p.m. My flight was due to leave Austin three hours later, and I was scheduled to get home by 8. In other words, I was not going to have the home-bathroom advantage for a good portion of the internal preparation.

Pretty tricky. I’ve had two prior colonoscopies – you should have these things fairly regularly after turning 40, and I’m 48 – and know that once you begin your prep work, it’s about a six-hour process. So I figure, OK, I’ll start on the plane home, then finish at home. When I advised a friend, Rich Fitter, of my plan, he shook his head and invoked an old Cosmo Kramer line. “Wet...and wild,” he said.

I took the first of the preparatory medication (and believe me, that’s putting it very nicely) just before the three-plus-hour flight took off from Austin. I was in fine shape until maybe 40 minutes from landing when the captain came over the intercom and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve been told by the tower in Newark that we’re going to have to slow things up a bit because of traffic into the New York area. They’re putting us into a holding pattern, and we’re going to head over to Pennsylvania to circle...”

I heard nothing else. All I could think was: My worst nightmare is coming true. It would get worse 10 minutes later, as we were banking bumpily somewhere over southeastern Pennsylvania. The flight attendant came on and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, because of the bumpy ride, we’re going to be turning on the fasten-seatbelt sign for the remainder of the flight...” AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!

Take deep breaths. Long, deep breaths. Bumping around for 45 minutes. An eternity. Hold on. Just hold on. You raised two kids not to be ax murderers, you can survive this. I’m going to have to get up and brawl with this flight attendant in a minute because of the seat-belt sign...

Out of the holding pattern. And seven or eight minutes later, like the God of Aviation knew what was happening inside me at that moment, the captain came on and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’re on our final approach into the Newark area.”

Day of my wedding. Births of my children. Red Sox win the World Series. Landing in Newark.

Once off the plane, I was as dignified as was humanly possible. I brisk-walked to the men’s room, and the rest is history.”

Have a good weekend and enjoy the season opener. Go Tribe!

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