News of Note for April 1

Before baseball starts up tommorow (DirtySox v. the Tribe) I thought I'd scour through the internet and just post a few stories that caught my eye.

1. Apparently ex-Browns coach, Butch Davis, was devoured by wild animals over the weekend. As is widely known most of forms of life did despise the coach and a combination of grizzley bears and mountain lions "hated and ate his guts". By all reports he was delicious.

2. As part of a new policy to determine which baseball players are more suspectiable than others at "accidently" taking steriods, all personnel of MLB were given wonderlic tests. The idea was that if individuals scored low enough, or what is commonly referred to as Texas Longhorn territory, the individual would be closely monitored to make sure the player/employee did not injest steriods instead of flax seed oil or or run while carrying scissors. However not surprisingly the individual with the lowest score was Bud Selig. After reports surfaced of his score of 2, he was immediately offered a position as new Chief of Staff for the White House, which he accepted.

3. As reported earlier by the onion, the NFL is moving all 32 NFL teams to Los Angeles. Finally fufilling the goal of returning football to Southern California, Tagliabue announced that by having all teams in the Greater Los Angeles area that "the intricate L.A. highway system will cut team travel time by almost 25 percent".

4. Rather than wait for the players to mature and be traded for absolutely nothing, the New York Mets bought the Florida Marlins and officially incorporated it into its minor league system. Omar Manaya was quoted as saying "Instead of going throught the sham of giving away nothing in exchange high quality players we have decided to option the Florida Marlins to AAA status".

5. In a completely and totally unexpected move "Hitman" Hart praised New York City. "You know it really is the best place. I can totally see myself living there. I mean it does have the best pizza." Not to be outdone, MJ added to the outpouring of praise by saying "Hitman is always welcome here. Hopefully he can enjoy rooting for the best run organization of all time: the New York Knicks".


Happy April Fools!