All-Star NBA Players I could – or would never – take in a fight and why

Now, I'm not a fighter by nature. Nor am I in peak shape to be "taking" anyone in a fight - especially not professional basketball players, seeing as I am only sixty five inches of girly nonathleticism. That being said, there are still a few choice players who I think I could take - and a few that I would NEVER in a million years take. Here's the spread:

Steve Nash – Hell no. He may not be the biggest man in the league. He may also not be the most well kempt man in the league. But what he lacks in finesse, he makes up for in scrap. That dude would scrap for his life in a pool of battery acid if he had to.

LeBron James – Depends if his posse is with him or not. LeBron talks the talk, but c’mon – the guy is from AKRON. He’s not even from a legit neighborhood like Buckeye and East 55th or any St. Clair address or even CLEVELAND. He’s a suburbanite who excels at talking the talk but who without his posse cannot possibly threaten a squirrel.

Tony Parker – Definitely. For one, he’s French. Second, he has a neatly groomed five o’clock shadow – any guy who maintains his facial hair to the number 2 setting on his Norelco isn’t going to scrap in a fight. His fiancée however, I would never take in a fight – that bitch has nails.

Kobe Bryant – On the one hand, the guy is a narcissistic prima donna who doesn’t leave home without his stylist’s approval and his wife’s threatening blessing. On the other hand, he’s got a rap sheet. Okay, so maybe he was never found guilty of anything, but he was certainly – and convincingly I might add – charged with rape and sexual assault. Under any other circumstances, I think I could take him, no question. But seeing as I am a woman, I would probably not take that bet without a bodyguard, manservant, or at least Steve Nash to back me up.

Duane Wade – I wouldn’t touch this guy. Again, he may not seem like the fiercest fighter in the field, but he’s a perfectionist. He also clearly maintains his boyish good looks very carefully and would hate to mess them up. Therefore, he would be an avid competitor, making sure that nothing happens to his precious face, while at the same time striving to kick my ass at any cost. Although this may make him seem formidable, I’d totally take him. All I’d need to do is get one good scratch to his face and he’d fold like a cheap zoot suit. It’d be a riot. (hehe)

Charles Barkley – Now, I know what you’re thinking. He’s old. He’s out of shape. He’s bald. But he’s also three hundred and twenty pounds of unleashed testosterone. He’s sick of being ridiculed for being “old.” And he still has a grudge against his refs. A guy carrying that kind of pent up rage (and that kind of pent up weight) is nobody I want to go up against. Gnarles Barkley on the other hand? Well, that’s a different column…

Scottie Pippen – Sure, why not? Okay, I know what you’re thinking: Didn’t you grow up watching the Chicago Bulls in their heyday and rooting for number 33 all those years? Don’t you remember when he was arrested for driving with a concealed weapon under the front seat of his car? Yes, it’s true. I was a fan, and I remember the “incident.” But the thing is, he looks like a pre-school teacher. Albeit, a very tall one, but nonetheless, he appears as though he works out on a court of daisies, with his sweat fanned off his forehead by butterflies. I could totally take the guy.

Dick Bavetta – He’s old. And there’s nothing wrong with that – after all, Charles Barkley aspires to be old someday. But he’s tough and he’s kind of a badass. He might not be super fast, and he might not quite have the best coordination on the court, but he looks like he’s been trained by the Navy seals in the art of super spy trickery along the ranks of Ethan Hunt and Dwight Shrute. You would think he’d fight fair because of his age and devotion to the rule of etiquette, but as soon as you pause for a moment, he’d pop a move that Larry Moe or Curly would be proud of. Unless you could get him in one swift punch, I wouldn’t bother. That’s one crazy mother.