Rage Against The Simmons Machine

Bill Simmons is a self-appointed NBA savant, a guy who truly believes that he knows everything about the game and its history. And while it’s hard to discredit his passion or consistency when it comes to pro basketball, he’s still hampered by one small detail which kills a lot of his credibility: his incredible bias for all things Celtic.

Part and parcel with his Celtics bias is an almost instinctive urge to lash out at nearly all other established NBA players who played for other teams. And, unfortunately for me, no one player takes more hits from Simmons than my childhood hero Patrick Ewing.

At this point, we all know about the so-called Ewing Theory, which, when scrutinized, actually does not water. Over the years, Simmons has taken numerous cheap shots at Ewing, although he seems to have stepped up his attacks on Big Fella in recent weeks. In a discussion about Greg Oden, Simmons not only takes several cracks at Ewing but – shocker! – compares Oden to former Celtics legend Robert Parish:

"The more I watch him, the more he reminds me of Robert Parish – not just because he’s mellow like the Chief, but also because he doesn’t feel the need to PRETEND he’s anything other than mellow. For instance, Patrick Ewing’s fatal flaw was his misguided attempt to “evolve” into a passionate leader – which basically consisted of his (A) making jumpers and screaming at the top of his lungs, or (B) running over to a teammate who just made a big shot and screaming at the top of his lungs. It always seemed disingenuous to me, like he was trying to portray a character or something (“I’m the vocal franchise center and I can lead this team!”). In the long run, it hurt his game to some degree – Ewing didn’t have a dominant personality, he wasn’t an alpha dog, and above everything else that’s why the Knicks never won a championship during his era.

Oden has a self-awareness than Ewing lacked (and still lacks, as evidenced by his surreal attempt to reinvent himself as a 7-foot Ed McMahon on Ahmad Rashad’s remarkably bizarre NBA TV talk show), which is why Parish’s personality is a perfect comparison for Oden. The Chief never cared about stats, or touches, or showing off or any of that crap. He just wanted to win. I think Oden could be described the same way, and if you don’t believe me, watch the way he blocks shots – just like Bill Russell and Walton, he doesn’t block shots as much as he deflects them and keeps them in play (so they’ll lead to a potential fast break). It’s the single best thing about his game, an innate skill that can’t be learned."

This isn’t meant to analyze the merits of the Oden-Parish comparison. Honestly, I can’t say I know that much about Parish besides the fact that he played on the great Celtics teams of the 80’s, that he smoked tons of pot, and that he once shoved his wife down a flight of stairs. What I want to dispute is that Ewing was somehow a phony leader and that his passion on the court was contrived.

I watched pretty much every single game of Ewing’s career in New York and, upon Pat Riley’s arrival in 1991, Big Fella DID evolve into a more vocal on-court leader. But does that evolution have to be characterized as manufactured? Is it not possible that Ewing, playing for a legendary coach who installed him as the centerpiece of the team’s offense and defense, simply felt more at ease? The team was getting better and their prospects were brighter. After playing for five coaches in six seasons*, Ewing finally felt settled as the co-captain of a young and hungry team.

One other point to make about Ewing’s “failure” to win a championship: if the team ultimately never won because of #33’s inability to be a true leader, I’d love to hear what Charles Barkley’s excuse is. Because no one’s ever accused Barkley’s on-court antics as being over-the-top, right? And, certainly, Ewing never winning had NOTHING to do with the fact that he played a 15 year career in New York with only two of his teammates ever making the All-Star team. That’s right; John Starks and Charles Oakley each made the All-Star team once, in 1994. Wait, wasn’t that the year the Knicks went to the NBA Finals and lost in seven games?

I’ll end by saying that Bill Simmons knows a hell of a lot more about the NBA than I do. But from 1985-2001, he should keep his Knicks opinions to himself as I can say for certain that he doesn’t know a motherfucking thing. Go fuck yourself Simmons. You’re unreadable at this point.

*Hubie Brown, Bob Hill, Rick Pitino, Stu Jackson, and John McLeod