day. So here we go :8 AM: Wake Up. Yeah its fucking early but its game day. You have a lot of planning to do. Do you have enough alcohol to last the day? Is that ESPN's College GameDay in town? Is there padding near the base of your toilet when your praying there later? Drink of choice: Screwdriver to ensure high dose of vitamin C.
9:30 AM - Head on down to campus for ESPN College GameDay. Its important you have a large sign that specifies how big of a penis Lee Corso is. I would recommend having a flask filled with the brownest of the brown liquors (Bourbon) to keep you company and warm. I would also recommend hitting on opponent's fans' girlfriends for the same reason.
11:00 AM - At this point you should be bored. College G
ameDay is boring for nearly everyone that isn't riding the dragon (little known fact Lee Corso visits Opium Bars during commercial breaks). This would be a good time to load up on food to make sure you can drink the rest of the day. Eat some sort of egg cheese sandwich.11:30 - Despite your stomach doing swan dives its time to get back to business. 24 pack of cheap beer is probably what works in this event. Its also probably good idea to head to a safe house as Lee Corso may have driven you into blind rage resulting in thrown tridents. Safe houses include : a friend's place, your office, a parking lot, or a teepee.
12:00 The beer should give you enough courage to begin calling up friends, friend's of friend's, relatives, ex-girlfriends and the Pope and explain why your team will win today. It will also give you the courage to tell that annoying Wisconsin fan who is watching Wisconsin play Appleton Technical College to shut the hell up. As long as you don't mess with his/her cheese you should be fine as Wisconsin fans like alligators will only chase you for about 30 feet.
1:00 PM Game time. Head over to the game. Also switch back to the flask. I would recommend vodka as it looks like water and can be used with most mixers. Keep your eye peeled for that drunk girl that is being propped up by her friends as she explains to a cop why she isn't drunk. She will fail in hilarious fashion.
3:30 PM - If your team wins begin the celebration by setting couches on fires and having spicy buffalo wings. Nothing goes better with arson than buffalo wings. If you team lost take your rage out on your body with tequilla. Nothing goes better with self-hatred than tequilla.
6:00 PM - If you have followed this guide the only thing left in your evening is to pass out. Try passing out in a bed, preferably someone's bed that is occupied by someone who is hot. Also recommended not stealing holy relics which can happen.... bringing a statue of Madonna is a big turn off. Remember you have to repeat the whole process in 7 days so get a good nights sleep.
Cheers: Colonel getting married. Colonel has come along way from his days in Cambodia. Thank goodness for those snake charmers.
Cheers: To Hitman and Gutsy visiting DC in non-consecutive days. Just like Grover Cleveland.
Cheers: To Michael Vick soon going to the jail. Couldn't happen to a nicer guy.
Jeers: To flooding in Ohio. I need those rivers to not flood my cities. I, on behalf of humanity, am willing to offer an unconditional surrender to global warming
And now our Cheers and Jeers gal of the week....Caterina Murino
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