Ever since Mikey invited me to become a regular contributor to "Back Seat Drivers" I've wanted to come up with an idea for a regular column that I could put out once a week that would have enough material to last for a while. I think I've come up with that idea. I will now put out a weekly column entitled Peter Gammons: Bombast and Stupidity. As you can imagine from the title, it will focus on my least favorite baseball writer and all of the totally ridiculous things he says as a paid employee of ESPN (a media source rivaling Tom DeLay for moronic viewpoints and self-absorption). So without further ado, I bring you Part I of my new column...
Peter Gammons keeps a list by his bedside tables of players that he loves and thinks of as "wonderful human beings." For starters, I've never been interested to know who Gammons considers a humanitarian because I'm reading or watching him for his "insight" on baseball, not on updates on the Nobel Peace Prize selection proceedings. Beyond that, Gammons gets fixated on players for one reason or another and won't let them out of his death-grip of latent fetishistic desire (I'm trying to be PC here because I know I can be offensive sometimes). Anyway, one such player that Gammons has a hard-on for is Jim Edmonds. Sure, Edmonds has had a pretty nice career with 300 homers and a career .294 average but Gammons won't stop gushing about how Edmonds is one of the best fielders to have played the centerfield position. Oh really? Did anyone watch the Cubs-Cardinals game last night on ESPN2? Did anyone notice that not one, not two, but three balls landed in front of Edmonds and then got past him all the way to the wall? One of those hits was a triple by a fatty named Carlos Zambrano who, by the way, is a pitcher.
What I'm saying here is that Edmonds makes a nice highlight reel catch every now and again. In his younger days, he'd make spectacular grabs on a routine basis. Those days are long gone. Edmonds is now a player who benefited from McGwire's training regimen of steroids in the buttcheek at noon and cream on his shrinking nuts right before gametime. Fielding isn't as fun as hitting homers and it shows in Edmonds' game.
Gammons is stuck in a time-warp and babbles incessantly about wonderful Edmonds is in the field. All I ask is that the dean of baseball writers get his hand out of Edmonds' ass. Be careful there, Peter, any further up and you're going to lose your wristwatch.
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1 comment:
Mo,
Thats slander, I for one have a credible source that Edmond's only uses cream on his left nut, not both nuts. Secondly I would like to make sure the readers are aware of the difference between Peter Gammons and Tom Delay. Peter Gammons pretends to be a sports reporter. Tom Delay pretends to be a human being. Peter Gammons get lied to my various GMs. Tom Delay listens to the voices in his head. Peter Gammons dislikes the Yankees. Tom Delay dislikes the EPA because its "the gestapo of the government"
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