MMBSD: If wishes were horses.....

Well its been a good summer off from the Monday Morning Back Seat Driver. While the time has been well spent on poker, Italian Ice and a Deadwood DVD boxset its time to get the thought process back in line and start analyzing football and other sports events from the back seat. Well almost time. Before we starting analyzing the land of reality I thought a little tip toe through fantasy land would be nice. If wishes were horses then beggars and bloggers would ride. If wishes were horses I'd travel to campus on a herd of my little ponies. I'd win at strip poker with Natalie Portman, Jessica Alba and Charlize Theron. The Browns would be on their second string center instead of the fourth. I could dunk a basketball. The Hitman would still respect me even though I wrote a column with a pink pony in it. If I had wishes to burn through there would be three branches of government in Washington, D.C. Well maybe the power of the wish doesn't go that far. Anyway here's a list of some of things I'm wishing for this new season of Monday Morning Back Seat Driving.

College Football: I have lots of wishes but I think my top wish for college football is for Charlie Weis to be hit by a go-cart driven by a mascot. It really doesn't matter what mascot just as long as Weiss is knocked out of a crucial game and made to look like a fool. Weis combines the arrogance of a Belicheck disciple with the arrogance of a Notre Dame fan. All in all its a lot of arrogance and it needs to be run over by a go-cart.

Basketball: I would wish for the USA basketball team to win in Tokyo. I want Dwayne Wade to dunk on Manu Ginobelli's head. I want Carmelo Anthony to wreck downtown Tokyo in a manner that hasn't been equaled since the days of Mecha-Godzilla. I want Bill Simmons for the first time to actually admit he is wrong about something or that his keen insights are no better than anyone else that occasionally tunes into Sports Center.

Baseball: I would wish for one of current crop of rookie pitches to win 300 games. I'm sure our baseball fellows can dig up a better year of rookie pitchers but the current crop this year really has been delightful. Each year reaching the fabled plateau of 300 wins for a starter seems to get more and more unreachable. However I wish that one of the young guns can reach the promised land of immortality.

NFL: I would wish for Chad Johnson to have his own improv show. Honestly, would there be anything better than watching celebrations Johnson would come up with if he has CGI technology? He could have an entire Vegas Show girl ensemble backing him up and win an emmy. Or he could use his talents for driving around in a mystery van solving crimes. There is no limit to what Chad Johnson could do given his own TV show.

Me: I would wish for what Steven Martin wished for:

If I had one wish that I could wish this holiday season, it would be that all the children to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace. If I had two wishes I could make this holiday season, the first would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace. And the second would be for 30 million dollars a month to be given to me, tax-free in a Swiss bank account. You know, if I had three wishes I could make this holiday season, the first, of course, would be for all the children of the world to get together and sing, the second would be for the 30 million dollars every month to me, and the third would be for encompassing power over every living being in the entire universe. And if I had four wishes that I could make this holiday season, the first would be the crap about the kids definitely, the second would be for the 30 million, the third would be for all the power, and the fourth would be to set aside one month each year to have an extended 31-day orgasm, to be brought out slowly by Rosanna Arquette and that model Paulina-somebody, I can't think of her name. Of course my lovely wife can come too and she's behind me one hundred percent here, I guarantee it. Wait a minute, maybe the sex thing should be the first wish, so if I made that the first wish, because it could all go boom tomorrow, then what do you got, y'know? No, no, the kids, the kids singing would be great, that would be nice. But wait a minute, who am I kidding? They're not going to be able to get all those kids together. I mean, the logistics of the thing is impossible, more trouble than it's worth! So -- we reorganize! Here we go. First, the sex thing. We go with that. Second, the money. No, we got with the power second, then the money. And then the kids. Oh wait, oh jeez, I forgot about revenge against my enemies! Okay, I need revenge against all my enemies, they should die like pigs in hell! That would be my fourth wish. And, of course, my fifth wish would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace.

- Steve Martin SNL 1986