Pledge to Hedley Lamarr

Harvey Korman passed away yesterday. So for old times sake, I (your name) pledge allegiance Hedley Lamarr and to the evil for which he stands. Now go do that voodoo

Again?!

Why on earth would Doug Collins want another bite of the apple? He doesn’t have Michael Jordan on the roster this time around and even the #1 pick overall won’t change the fact that the Bulls, as currently constituted, are not among the 10 best teams in the NBA. Moreover, why would the Bulls want him back?

Obviously someone has to coach the Bulls, I’m just surprised the team decided to make the rare double-retread hire. The Bulls get more boring by the day...

Fulham Loses Two Americans in Five Days

In news from abroad, Fulham released longtime defender Carlos Bocanegra last week. Today, Brian McBride, the captain at Fulham, decided to return to the U.S. and to leave Fulham. Suddenly, Fulham has lost the services of 2 Americans in 5 days!

It is a very sad day for Fulham... perhaps they will find two more Americans to replace these two. If Fulham is unable to find more Americans, the U.S. economy is certainly going to feel the ramifications of these transactions, as these two Americans were making big money, and the money was coming mostly from foreigners. First gas prices rise, then this. It's going to be a long summer for the U.S. economy.

The 2008 NBA Conference Finals: 10% Luck for Doc Rivers

As one of the theme songs to the NBA Playoffs last year and in 2006 (as well as the theme song for the Cleveland Indians in 2007), "Remember the Name," states something to the effect that your success is based on:

"10% luck, 20% skill,

15% concentrated power of will

5% pleasure, 50% pain".

Man, that 10% luck is really helping out Doc Rivers! If only Billups were healthy, the Pistons could even be up 3-1. If only Mike Brown would have exerted some control over the Cavaliers offense, perhaps the Celtics would already be eliminated and my comparison between the Celtics and the movie Freejack would have held true.

Alas, now that the Eastern Conference Finals are all tied up at 2-2, the question is - can Detroit win on the road to win the series? Of course, I have a biased opinion on the subject (I believe the Pistons will advance), but I thought it would be more interesting to take a look back the first 4 games and see who the unsung heroes are, to see who is contributing the "15% concentrated power of will."

Eastern Conference - Billups' health has been and will continue to be the main deciding factor in this series. Hopefully, McDyess can continue to post monster numbers, like in Game 4, and give the Celtics fits down low.

Game 1 - The Celtics won by 9, but it really was not close at the end. Chauncey Billups really did not appear healthy, went a team-low -18 over only 32 minutes and only had 2 assists and 2 turnovers. The Celtics continued to make the extra pass and got a whopping 27 assists on only 36 baskets.

Game 2 - The Pistons became the first team to win in Boston in the playoffs. Interestingly, they did it while getting outrebounded 39-31. Billups was more like himself as he had 7 assists, 0 TOs, and 19 points. The Pistons only had 9 TOs.

Game 3 - The Pistons became the first team to get lose to Boston at home in the playoffs. This time, the Pistons got destroyed on the glass, 44-28. Again, Billups did not seem right and posted a team worst -25 over only 27 minutes. Ouch. And he went 1 for 6 from the field with only 4 assists and 2 TOs. Stuckey, the backup to Billups, played well in 29 minutes off the bench and had a +3 in a losing effort, which makes his contributions look even better. I suppose that is "15% power of will."

Game 4 - The Pistons closed the rebounding deficit to 38-34, behind McDyess's dominating 21 points and 16 rebounds. Again, Billups played well getting 7 assists, 0 TOs, and the team only had 7 TOs all game.

Perhaps the Pistons just need to have 5% more pleasure on the court and then they will succeed.
Western Conference - Barring a dramatic turnaround, the Spurs are done. When Manu Ginobili plays well, the Spurs win. Only problem is, Manu has only had one good game so far.

Corrections: Indians at Rockbottom

Another week, another batch of corrections from the BSD

On Tuesday we noted that 1001001 was the Indians run totals in the last week. Instead the numerals were binary code for designing a tic-tac-toe game. The Cleveland Indians output was 100201 and the final game they simply surrendered.

Travis Hafner, pictured above, following an at bat

It was incorrectly noted that Charlie Weis was a Chip N Dales Dancer. Apparently Weis lost in a dance-off to Lou Holtz. After all photos don’t lie.

It was incorrectly noted that Christiano Ronaldo’s girlfriend, Nereida Gallardo, was easy. It should have read Nereida Gallardo is very easy and likes to party

While it correctly was noted that I went to see Indiana Jones instead of watching tennis, I was incorrect in doing so. The movie sucked and I missed out on watching Ashley Harleroad, who will soon be in Playboy. As an important figure in the media I should better study her capabilities and assets.

Will be in MJ's library soon...

It was incorrectly noted that Kobe Bryant never did anything good off the basketball court. He in fact jumped over a pool of snakes to dunk a basketball with the JackAss crew. Which is in fact Awesome.

It was correctly noted that the editors made a terrible awful mistake in not ordering a subscription to the Italian GQ. This had been since corrected....

La Dolce Vita

NFL Preview Quickie: NFC East

I know its not even June and you're thinking football. Short answer , yes. Longer answer I could care less about the NBA Playoffs, the Indians couldn't hit a crack whore and politics is fundamentally on pause till August (at least in any positive way). So I'll be running weekly quickies on the division. Which according to my math should take about 13 weeks with inflation being what it is. So here's as of 5/23 my Power Ranking and Phrases for the NFC East.

1. Dallas - "Knife's Edge" - Dallas has gone into the playoffs two years running with high expectations and gone over like Tony Kornheiser at a blogger convention...not too well. Rather than re-thinking their strategy Jones added even more fuel with combustable PacMan Jones, a couch on the hot seat, TO not being tranquillized and trade rumors. It will take only a push to turn the Cowbitches into the Bengals.

2. G-Men "Who are You?" The Giants last year will go down as mystery killers ending the Patriots romp into ESPN's Hall o'Fame. A team locked in mediocrity flipped a switch and at least during the playoff team played well elite (even Eli). But the question is was that a fluke? IF, and its a big IF, they play like the end of the year this a NFC favorite. Otherwise they are candidates to causing MJ's 3rd coronary.

3. Philly "The End is Near" Donovan Mcnabb's stay in Philly is quickly coming to an end. He knows it, Reid knows it, the fans know, that drunk hobo on your street corner knows it. How can that not impact things? But in what direction? Yes Philly loaded up on their secondary but it was their lines that was suspect last year.

4. Washington "Hmmm" New coach? Check. Uncertain young offensive weapons? Check. Young QB coming back from platella being on backwards? Check. Aging running back? Check. I have no clue what to make out these guys outside of they're somewhere between 6-10 and 10-6. Like most of the NFL....

so what's your list and big questions....

It's Joba Time (Almost)

Well, the moment every Yankee fan has been waiting for seems to be around the corner. I suspect that by this time next month, Joba Chamberlain will be a member of the starting rotation, most likely squeezing fellow rookie Ian Kennedy back down to the Triple-A Yankees in Scranton, PA.

As long as the team uses him judiciously between now and then, stretching him out and strengthening his arm gradually, I see no cause for concern. Joba has all the tools to be a great pitcher in the big leagues and only health and a little luck stand in his way. Of the three youngsters on the Yanks this year, Joba’s by far my favorite. I wish him all the success – and fist-pumps – in the world.

With The First Pick in the 2008 Draft...

Mortimer, we're back!

Things You Don't See Everyday for $200

Flying RC Penis Disrupts Garry Kasporov Speech

**I'll be honest didn't see those words coming together to form a sentence. Click the link for a video that might not be suitable at work unless its normal for there to be flying penises at work..MJ I'm looking at you...

Corrections: Nick Saban Not Charles Taylor

More Corrections (or the weekly spot where the BSD fesses up to incorrect articles published earlier in the week)

We incorrectly noted that a witness was quoted as saying "I never saw Nick Saban eat human flesh or order his soldiers to do so". The witness, Moses Blah, evidently was referring to Liberian Warlord Charles Taylor not Nick Saban. While we were incorrect, the witness did not dismiss the possibility of Nick Saban participating in cannibalism, hence the source of the confusion.

Not on Trial for Crimes Against Humanity , yet

In the corrections section last week we noted the possibility that the Living Dead, formerly known as the San Antonio Spurs, could be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. Apparently that only kills vampires and Joan Rivers. The only way to kill the Spurs is via Decapitation.

Stakes.... ineffective against Tim Duncan

Earlier we said Techmo Bowl was the greatest Football video game ever. After watching Randy Moss do the Soulja Boy dance after a touchdown we can honestly say Madden 2009 will be the greatest video games ever.

CNNSI reported that Philly is the most suffering Sports City since they have had the longest wait of any city with 4 sports team. This is incorrect. This is not only incorrect but patently false. Nobody suffers more than a Cleveland Fan. And maybe people that race camels through the Sahara with hemroids. Why the fuck should 4 sports matter? Is hockey even a real sport? Hey why not semi-pro badminton? You suck CNNSI.

Sidney Crosby (picture on left) apparently considered professional

It was incorrectly noted supermodel Bar Rafaeli would only date a man after he beat her in a one on one Judo match. This is incorrect. The Israeli Army trained Supermodel will also take on any comers in Karate, Aikido or Brazillian Drunken Boxing. She has yet to be defeated.

Time To Move On, Old Man

As much respect as I have for Hank Aaron, I think he would be wise to stay away from proclamations such as this:

“I still consider myself the home-run king...This is advice from an old man who has been a lot of places, seen a lot of things. Be careful before you make choices. Avoid shortcuts. They are quick fixes and unrewarding.”

Common sense dictates that we conclude Barry Bonds’s 762 career homers as somewhat invalidated. Nevertheless, the concept of the asterisk is preposterous. You can’t undo history. You can’t pretend that every one of those 762 homeruns didn’t happen. As much as some people might be offended that the official baseball record lists potentially compromised statistics, the fact remains that these statistics count as much as the ones we deem above reproach.

It does Hank Aaron no good to make these sorts of statements. Racism marred his ascension to the homerun title. But the truth is that just as Aaron wants to rationalize his primacy on the all-time list by bringing up the steroids issue, one could mention that Aaron had the benefit of an additional 3,966 at-bats when he outpaced Babe Ruth. Had Ruth gotten an extra 3,966 at-bats and hit homeruns at his regular frequency (1 HR/11.80 AB), he would have ended up with 1,048 for his career.

Granted, that’s a ridiculous argument to make. But so is harboring sour grapes that someone passed you on the all-time homerun list. Get over it.

Apology Letter to Doc Rivers and the Celtics

Dear Doc Rivers,

I am sorry I ever doubted you, Doc Rivers. I am sorry I said that I compared the 2007-2008 Boston Celtics to the movie Freejack, in that both would end up with terrible endings. I am sorry I said that even a caveman could outcoach Doc Rivers.

Doc Rivers finally did something to positively impact his team - Coach Rivers realized that Eddie House was destroying the Cavs, and that Sam Cassell was not helping very much. Eddie House finally played more than 5 minutes in Game 6 and ended up playing 18 minutes and contributing well, albeit in a loss. In Game 7, House may not have scored much, but was involved in some hustle plays and played solid defense, as far as I can remember. While Sam Cassell was hot in Game 1, he really wasn't much of a factor since, and Doc Rivers finally noticed and just refused to play Sam Cassell in Game 7. While Rivers was able to figure out a better rotation as the series progressed, Coach Mike Brown was busy finding new lineups that did not work. For example, Game 6 had a Damon Jones, Sasha Pavlovic, Wally Szczerbiak trifecta and Game 7 had an awful backcourt of Damon Jones and Sasha Pavlovic for extended periods. Mike Brown would certainly point out that Daniel Gibson was injured, so he was forced to play Damon Jones, but Devin Brown was still available (instead of either Sasha or Damon). For some reason, Devin Brown played only played a combined 5 minutes the entire series, despite playing very well in April leading up to the playoffs.

An even bigger continuing problem for Mike Brown, is deferring responsibility to LeBron James. Mike Brown has said in various post-games reports over the years how he "trusts LeBron" in reference to any last-second decisions, passes, or shots taken by Lebron. These quotes make it apparent to me that the Cavs do not even call plays at the ends of the game (hence the LeBron James clear-out play, where everyone sits around and watches him). If the reason that Mike Brown does not really coach the offense is because he doesn't want to upset Lebron, I can understand that. Mike Brown wants to keep his job, obviously. However, Mike Brown is going to have to develop some sort of relationship with LeBron where he can make sure that certain mis-matches are exploited. Throughout this series, the Celtics really do not have anyone to guard Zydrunas Ilgauskas, though the boxscores do not tell the whole story. During Game 6, Z came into the game and single-handedly started a run by scoring 6 points, collecting 2 rebounds, and blocking 1 shot. Unfortunately, Z was not able to get any consistent shots in that game or game 7, because... well, it's up to LeBron each and every moment, which only brings about additional inconsistency. I understand that LeBron needs less of a structured offense, but it would probably have been helpful to integrate Z more often, especially in the crucial Game 7. LeBron is relied on for a lot, and in the end, LeBron should not be relied on for every strategic decision, as Mike Brown should be exerting some direction to the offense, rather than just watching the offense like a helpless spectator.

So in the end, I have to apologize to Doc Rivers. Game 7 showed that Doc Rivers found a better rotation, and he had Paul Pierce and Mike Brown to help him out and save the Celtics. I should have realized these were distinct possibilities, and I apologize for mocking Doc Rivers and claiming that he was an idiotic head coach. It's not like these other factors couldn't have possibly contributed to the Celtics victory in this series.

The funny thing? Now, either Coach Doc Rivers or Coach Flip Saunders will end up in the NBA Finals this year.

Game 6: Boston v. Cleveland Recap

As you can clearly see in the video in the first half while the Cavs tried to make an early kill they were driven back by the tenacious Celts defense. However in the 2nd Half The King returned and broke the back of KG and the Celts. Onto Game 7.

Cavs v. Celts: Game 5 Recap

What's that? We're supposed to call fouls on Boston? I better check with the boss on that one.

Down by 3, under a minute left

Orlando was faced, yesterday, with a common occurrence in basketball games. Down by 3, with the ball, and on its last possession (not counting fouls, turnovers, etc). The dominant strategy in the NBA has always been to go for 2, foul, and hope that the other team misses 1 or more free-throws, and quickly make another 2.

While this might be the risk-averse strategy, attempting to extend the game, it is not likely the correct decision - or, at least visits a revisit.

Ok, so, we'll have to start with some assumptions: lets assume that your probability of making a 2 point basket, when down by 3 is pretty high (since the other team will not likely foul and put you on the line with a chance to tie the game) - lets put this probability at 60%. Lets assume that the free throw % for the opposing team is just 70% (low, if you end up putting Rip Hamilton on the line). Lets put the probability at making your 2nd 2 point shot at 50% (here the opposing team is playing full out defense to try to prevent you from winning the game, and the refs are notorious for not calling fouls in this situation). If these are true, your probability of tying the game is: .6*(.3+.3-(.3*.3))*.5 = .15, or just 15%. Your probability of winning the game (ie - the opposing team misses both free throws), in this situation is just 2.7%. If the free throw % of the other team rises, your chances at tying or winning become even more minuscule.

(note on assumptions: last night, Orlando shot 55% from 2, and 36% from 3. Detroit shot 87% from the line. Jameer Nelson was 41% from 3 on the season, and was 2/3 last night). Using these figures, the probability of tying the game is 8%, and the probability of going up by 1 is just .6%

This means, that if you can hit a 3 pointer at just 15% (or even as low as 8%), you have a better shot at tying the game with a 3 pointer. Even if the other team (Detroit, in this example), gets another shot at the basket, you still have a much better chance at sending the game into overtime or winning the game if you shoot the 3-ball. With Jameer Nelson averaging over 41% for the season (and shooting well last night), he ties the game with probability 41%, and Detroit then wins the game with a buzzer beater with probability 36% (Detroit's field goal % last night), putting the possibility of the game going into overtime at 27%, as opposed to 8%. If its under 24 seconds, as opposed to just under a minute, the calculations would much more favor shooting a 3, rather than a 2, as you can hold until last possession, and tie the game with the probability of tying and sending the game into over time at 36% (Orlando's 3 pt % last night), as opposed to 8%.

Ok, so, there are some simplifications and weaknesses here. This ignores any dumb turnovers by Detroit, but, since they only had 3 turnovers on the entire night, the probability of them not being able to inbound the ball seems slim. This ignores offensive rebounds and second chance points, but - 3 point shots create opportunities for long rebounds and more second chance points. Obviously all the assumptions made determine the outcome, but, I use assumptions that highly favor shooting a 2 pointer over a 3 pointer.

The conclusion of this is that it seems that under any reasonable specification, the dominant strategy ought to be to take the 3, rather than get 2, foul, and make another 2.

Corrections Week O' 5/16

As always your week in corrections.....

It was incorrectly reported that Terrel Owens won an Oscar for his portrayal of Othello.TO had a cameo in a direct to the internet porno, which apparently is very different than Shakespeare.


On May 12th it was reported that KG transformed into a werewolf and devoured Paul Pierce. KG in fact devoured Ray Allen.


On May 14th it was reported that brain dead Zombies, after destroying New York, had turned their attention to the remains of New Orleans. The Zombies were in fact the San Antonio Spurs and the city was Phoenix. We apologize for that error.


On May 12th we reported that John McCain was younger than the State of Alaska. This is in fact untrue. McCain while older than Alaska is in fact younger than Georgia.

We reported that the Michigan Football Program was closed next year due to renovations. In actuality it the Michigan Football Stadium that is closed for renovations and only for the summer. We apologize for the confusion.


On May 10th we reported that Ali Larter did something. We are unsure what we said as we were starring at her while writing the report. Frankly it was unimportant what Ali Larter did. We apologize for taking up space instead of showing more of Ali Larter.

You Stay Classy KG

I'm not saying I'm a lip reading expert but this instance it was pretty obvious.

(h/t http://www.waitingfornextyear.com/?p=1098

Dignity

"LeBron James, with no regard for human life!"

Best basketball quote ever.

Sam Cassell is Kif

I'm back baby.

i know its been awhile since i posted, but i swear i have been reading, and enjoying every minute.....even gusty's articles.

anyway, in watching the cavs-celtics series, only one thought haunts me, that Sam Cassell is Lt. Kif Kroker from Futurama.

judge for yourself, go cavs.

and now that cassell plays for the celtics, who are green, its even more perfect.

Fulham Survives; Americans Breathe Easier

A dramatic afternoon took place earlier in the day over in England. Fulham needed a victory to avoid being relegated (i.e. sent down to the minors). Fulham miracously had a 1-0 victory to just squeak out survival in the Premier League for the 2nd straight season. For those unaware, last season, Fulham needed a goal by American Clint Dempsey to secure a 1-0 victory and avoid relegation.

There is a simple reason that every American should care about Fulham avoiding relegation yet again: Fulham has a preposterous amount of Americans on its team, including: Carlos Bocanegra, Clint Dempsey, 24-year old Eddie Johnson, Brian McBride, and the fossil remains of Kasey Keller.

Now, I wil continue to have a team to root for next season in the Premier League on Fox Soccer Channel.
U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Sunday Wrap Up

Well a lazy Sunday after Mother's day. Must get the energy up to get back to my other job (guarding against robot attacks) so a few random Sunday afternoon posts to get us rolling into the week.

1) AL Missing Offense:
As of yesterday the AL was hitting only .257. That's not only abnormally low but thats below the NL. You know the junior league where some players (known as pitchers) try to bat while blindfolded. What's going on in the AL? Why? Is it lack of drugs? Bad weather? Great pitching? Coincidence? The precursor to invasion by robots?


2) Cool Link O'Day - Map of the US based on Baseball Fanbases

3) Co-Eds Gone Wild - And not the good kind. First ex-Florida Gator footballer, Jamar Hornsby used a dead students credit card. Yeah umm that'll even get you kicked out in Florida. Meanwhile over on the West Coast yet another ex-USCers (this time OJ Mayo) getting illegal kickbacks. Will USC ever get in trouble for this? Will this interfere with Pete Carroll's water skiing?

4) Clowns. Still Dangerous. - While Clown related fatalities has been down this year, the price of success against these demons is eternal vigilance.

D'Antoni From Another Point Of View (UPDATED 5/10/08)

OK, another post about Mike D’Antoni, this time taken from the opposite perspective...

Why would the Knicks want to invest $6M a year for a head coach? As I mentioned yesterday, the Knicks are two years away, at minimum, from cracking .500. The personnel doesn’t fit D’Antoni’s style. The team’s short-term goal is to play the next 164 games with the current roster before the entire team is turned over and they are out from under the weight of salary cap constraints. Is having a good head coach in place for a full two seasons (maybe longer) so important that you’d want to pay $12M for a babysitter before things can even begin to change for the better?

My advice to the Knicks would be to hire Tom Thibodeau away from the Boston Celtics. He’s the assistant coach who has been credited with making the C’s into a top defensive team. His defensive pedigree comes from having been an assistant to Jeff Van Gundy in New York and Houston and he’d certainly come with a cheaper price tag.

The Knicks should be thinking about turning their current young role players – David Lee, Renaldo Balkman, Mardy Collins, Nate Robinson, Wilson Chandler and Randolph Morris – into good defenders. After all, its today’s role players that are the only ones likely to survive the purge in 2010. Thibodeau could help lay the foundation and then the team can go hire a big-name guy if it wants to. D’Antoni’s going to be a giant waste of money. After all, a good coach can’t turn chicken shit into chicken salad.

UPDATE:

The Knicks got Mike D’Antoni to agree to a four year, $24M contract.

The more I think about it, the more I think both sides made a huge mistake. D’Antoni has chosen money over the possibility for a moderate level of success in Chicago and the Knicks have thrown money at a coach whose philosophy doesn’t fit their roster.

Instead of doing the sensible thing and hiring a solid, up-and-coming defensive-minded disciplinarian at a fraction of the cost, the Knicks have decided to make a splashy move with D’Antoni. Will he survive his four years in New York? Will they fire him before his contract is up? Will the team be close to turning the corner as his contract is expiring? I just don’t see why the Knicks chose him. It’s not like having a brand-name coach is going to improve the team’s horrendous situation.

The Phoenix Suns are absolute morons for letting D’Antoni leave. The Chicago Bulls are absolute morons for letting D’Antoni slip through their fingers. The New York Knicks are absolute morons for throwing money at a problem that requires discipline and outside-the-box thought. Finally, Mike D’Antoni is an absolute moron for taking a $24M contract that will make him richer than he could’ve imagined five years ago when he was coaching in Italy but will leave him exposed to arguably the worst team in NBA.

Go (Mid)west, D'Antoni

There’s nothing wrong with doing something for the money, as long as you know that’s what you’re doing it for. But if you have a choice between doing something for the money and doing something you might enjoy – and financial hardship isn’t an issue for you – then how could you ever pick money over happiness, especially if you don’t even need the money?

This article makes it seem like Mike D’Antoni is genuinely intrigued by the prospect of coaching the Chicago Bulls because they have some players that could fit his up-tempo style. The article also makes it seem like D’Antoni might instead choose the Knicks job because the Knicks might throw a $6M annual salary his way.

Look, the Bulls need more than D’Antoni to be a legitimate candidate to make it out of the Eastern Conference. Right now they look like a second-round kind of a team. But shouldn’t D’Antoni be able to realize that $3M in Chicago would be better than $6M in New York? At least the Bulls could make the playoffs. He’s been coaching long enough that the extra $3M shouldn’t make that much difference, right? Why be insanely rich and miserable coaching a lousy team when you can still quite rich and a little happier with a mediocre team?

That being said, I’d rather the Knicks hire D’Antoni than either of the other choices that are supposedly being considered. Avery Johnson needs a year off and Mark Jackson needs to have a job in the game before we turn over a team to a guy that’s been a player and a broadcaster and nothing else...

No Tears For Barry

There are few baseball fans out there that are as passionate about defending the players union as I am. But stuff like this is just ridiculous. It’s collusion because teams have decided that Barry Bonds – he of the prima donna attitude, the clubhouse cancer personality, and the non-stop media attention he attracts due to his use of performance-enhancing drugs (and related perjury trial) – isn’t worth signing to a new contract?

I understand the spirit of this inquiry and I know that labor lawyers have to pursue cases in order to protect the rank-and-file union members down the road. But Barry Bonds isn’t worth the trouble. No one misses him. He’s horrible for the union because he’s the poster-child for why players – and not owners, management, fans, and the media – are being blamed for the rampant use of PED’s in baseball. If the union ever wanted to distance itself from its own history of involvement with PED’s, it would let Barry rot in his mansion in L.A., all alone, as he deserves to be.

Corrections May 6

Well as the pace of blogging has increased in recent weeks we need to do more corrections.

1) It was incorrectly noted that Ozzie Guillen's rage could be controlled by simple horse tranquillizers. At the moment nothing can stop that man from being a grad A asshole. Although I believe NASA is experimenting with free basing moon rocks....

2) It was incorrectly noted that there was nothing a star player could do to get kicked off an SEC team. Ryan Perrilloux proved me wrong. Exactly what he did has not come out but one can only surmise it involves banging the Coaches daughter before marrying a gay Mexican immigrant (this is still the South)

3) It was incorrectly noted that Karl Malone was NOT a pedophile. This was incorrect and we apologize for the missing word.



4) It was incorrectly noted that John McCain demanded to see blood while at a gladiator match. In fact he demanded more peanuts in addition to more blood at a baseball game.


5) It was incorrectly reported that Michigan State male student populace had never seen boobs before. This is in fact incorrect. This photo was from the Worship Boobs Festival in East Lansing and hence the expression on the collective student populace.

6) We reported in error that Angelina Jolie showed up a Mighty Mike's apartment naked and drunk. Angelina Jolie showed up a Mighty Mike's Hover Yacht naked and drunk.

Choose or Lose: Doc Rivers or a Caveman?

Cavs vs. Celtics - Game 1 is on Tuesday at 8PM! The important question this series may answer: could a caveman out-coach Doc Rivers?

Picture comes from http://celtics247.com/blog

NBA Playoffs: The 2nd Round

Unfortunately, the Celtics beat the Hawks in game 7... by almost 40 points! While the boxscore for the game 7 will show that each team had 46 rebounds, it's actually very misleading because Boston just dominated the glass for the entire first half (en route to an 18-point halftime lead). I was starting to get excited to write a column about the 2002 Sacramento Kings - and how here in 2008, Stojakovic was helping the Hornets, Turkoglu was having a career season on the Magic, and Bibby was helping the Hawks. Alas, the Celtics slammed the door violently on the Hawks and on my column idea.

BUT, before we go around declaring that the Celtics are back, and making comparisons to the movie "How Stella got her Groove Back," let's keep this blowout in perspective: has any other NBA team ever been this wildly inconsistent within one series? Most likely not. I can't even think of one comparable 1 or 2-seed to ever be this much of a Jekyl and Hyde throughout one series, which makes the Celtics impossible to predict.

As we look ahead though, the funny thing about a Boston-Cleveland playoff series is that both teams are inconsistent! First off, while Cleveland and Boston split the season series, it means absolutely nothing because Cleveland went 2-1 with Hughes and Gooden but 0-1 with all the newcomers (but no Daniel "Tittie" Gibson) on 2/27, shortly after the trade. As a Cleveland Cavaliers fan, I am optimistic going into the series that anything really can happen with both teams failing to have consistency. Plus, for additional optimism, Doc Rivers poor game 4 strategy which included zero in-game adjustments (letting Ray Allen stay on Joe Johnson as Johnson scored 20 points in a quarter) then Doc Rivers making an adjustment for game 6, but refusing to have any in-game adjustments (double teaming Joe Johnson the ENTIRE game, resulting in Johnson passing the ball to every open teammate and yet another loss), gives me additional hope that Doc Rivers will somehow find a way to deprive his talented team of advancing.

In some of the other series, it already appears that the Pistons and Lakers will probably not have much trouble with the Magic and the Jazz, respectively. The other interesting 2nd round matchup is the Spurs-Hornets. The Hornets really dominated the Spurs in the 1st game and I don't see any reason why the Hornets won't advance, with the amazing inside-outside combo of Chris Paul, Stojakovic, and the big-men of West and Chandler. The Spurs should be able to fight back to some extent, but I don't know how the Spurs can advance past this one.

Strong Men Also Cry...strong men also cry

What makes a man a man? Is it being prepared to do the right thing, whatever the cost? Isn't that what makes a man? I have bested competitors. I have punched a Ravens fan in the ear with a seashell. I have laid a flaming bag of dog poo on Peter King's lawn. And here I sit in seclusion in the East Wing.

Are you surprised at my tears, sir? Strong men also cry....strong men also cry.

Why you ask? It was a tough weekend of sports. Eight Belles at the Kentucky Derby ran the race of her short filly life but came up just short . However as she crossed the finish line she managed to snap both her front legs. Yes the same fatal injury that eventually claimed Barbaro. It wasn't too long ago that I could cheer for horse racing. Majestic animals. Midgets. Gambling. It had it all. But instead I get a horrific accident, a euthanasia and a dead animal. Well no more horse racing for me. While I am a strong man...strong men also cry.

Cheers and Jeers: Red and Black Edition

Ingredients:

• 1 part Kahlua
• 1 part Grenadine

For those that aren't aware today is May Day. Not "the sinking ship dear lord we're going to die and I never accomplished my goal of drop kicking Bill Simmons" but May Day in international workers day. Over here as part of the vanguard of the proletariat its important to agitate, agitate, agitate. So without further ado some cheering and jeering

Jeers: To the Return of Larry Brown. Everyone knows how things is going to end everyone except apparently MJ (the one who can dunk). Maybe Jordan wants a fall guy for when Raymond Felton attacks Brown with his shoe. Maybe Jordan lost a bet and therefore needs to be publicly humiliated. Who knows? But this is simply a question of time till train wreck.

Cheers: To the Kentucky Derby. I know next nothing about horse racing, the state of kentucky, cooking and self-respect but I do know on Derby Days there's one big party of massive drinking, flashing and other things that are fun. I'm all game for that.

Cheers: To Tyler Hansborough (h/t to the Big Lead) . Hansborough, pictured above, jumped off the roof of a UNC frat house into a pool. His last words I believe were "I'm on drugs" or "I dig music" or "ACL schamscl"

Cheers: To KSK rebuttal to Buzz Bissinger. Big Daddy Drew defends himself from Buzz's harangue with the following comments about his style "Bill Simmons EATS a fat dick. Always use the present tense." and "“Armcock” is one word. No spaces." The ball is now in your court Buzz (if that is your real name)

Jeers: To the US. Apparently Fortress America has Nelson Mandel on the terrorist watch list. Its unknown if its because Mandela's hands are a lethal weapon or his usage of the Lazarus Chamber has turned him insane with rage. Kanye West was quoted as saying "Its because George Bush hates black people". I just report, you decide.

Cheers to Competition



and your C&J gal of the week Elizabeth Hurley since I've obviously been gone too long from this profession and I'm impressed with leg strength....

Squatting on Boston

This post serves two purposes: first, to empty out all the sports-related thoughts in my head at the moment and to signal my return to more regular blogging and second, to provide enough copy such that my shame will be pushed further down the page. As such, I’ve titled this post “Squatting on Boston” so that we can all just move past one of the worst experiences of my blogging life.

1) NBA Coaching Carousel. So far the body count includes Isiah Thomas (Knicks), Sam Vincent (Bobcats), Jim Boylan (Bulls; Boylan was the interim coach who replaced the fired Scott Skiles shortly before New Year’s), Larry Krystkowiak (Bucks; the Bucks hired Scott Skiles to replace him), Pat Riley (Heat), and Avery Johnson (Mavericks). Rumors are circulating that Mike D’Antoni (Suns) will join this list as well.

-I don’t know who the next Knicks coach should be and I’m not even sure that it matters. The franchise is in total disarray and I don’t know that any of the players on the team are even coachable anyway. Personally, as long as it’s not Avery Johnson or Kenny Smith from TNT, I’ll be perfectly ambivalent about any other choice. Avery Johnson needs to cool off for a year and Kenny Smith is a boob. As if simply being from Brooklyn and growing up a Knicks fan would qualify you? Kenny, you barely make sense on TV so I can’t imagine how bad you’d be when real decisions have to be made...

-The most interesting things here are the Larry Brown/ Pat Riley stories. Larry Brown is the biggest quitter in NBA coaching history. No man has bailed on more teams than Brown. And although I hate to rip on North Carolina – after all, any school that is the antithetical institution to Duke’s elitist cadre of date-rapists is good by me – the UNC boys club is an insidious force in the NBA. Larry Brown has allies in the NBA because he played for Dean Smith in the 1960’s? That’s a good enough reason to keep on hiring him? How many owners, general managers, players, and fans need to get the short end of the stick before we stop the madness? And not for nothing but anyone that wants to rip Isiah for the poor job he’s done should look no further than Larry Brown’s new boss: Michael Jeffrey Jordan. The Bobcats deserve all the misery that Larry Brown brings with him. I wish them nothing but the worst.

-Moving along to Pat Riley, here’s another quitting coward. Considering the fact that he’s the GM of the Heat and that everything that’s gone wrong in the two seasons since they won the NBA title would be his fault, it’s nauseating to see him crawl back upstairs to the comfort and security of the team president’s office. His replacement, Erik Spoelstra now has the “privilege” of inheriting a 15 win team with a marquee player (Dwayne Wade) whose body can no longer withstand the rigors of a full 82-game season. Should we place our bets on Riley stabbing Spoelstra in the back in about three seasons when the Heat are back in the playoff hunt?

2) NBA Playoffs. The Suns and Mavericks didn’t show up, the Nuggets did better than expected (they didn’t lose every game by 30), and the Magic rewarded my pre-season faith in their abilities. Gutsy, you won our bet but I nailed you on New Orleans and Orlando (Memphis and Milwaukee?!).

-What we have left is a plucky Philly team trying to stay alive (rooting against them) and an overmatched Hawks team that just closed their eyes and threw a wild punch in the dark but can’t believe that it actually connected. Both Detroit and Boston will move on but both should be ashamed that six games were required.

-That only leaves the Jazz/Rockets (snooze) and Cavs/Wiz. The Wizards were fun to watch a few seasons ago when Gilbert Arenas was at his crazy, high-flying, Agent Zero best. Now that team has morphed from run-n-gun into a wannabe set of Bad Boys all I can do is hope the Cavs end them for the third straight year. The problem with the Wiz? They stink. There’s far too much trash-talk coming from losers like DeShawn Stevenson and Brendan Heywood. I’m sure they’re big men among their entourage of ass-kissers but in the grand scheme of the NBA, they don’t belong on the court with Lebron James. The Wizards should go fuck off and die already.

Blogs v. Journalists Rounds 4,589

Will Leitch of Deadspin v. Bill Bissinger throw down. We mock what we don't understand