Thursday, August 28, 2008

Meet Your 2008 NFL Rookie Coaching Class

Nothing is more informative than looking at the new head coaches in the NFL! The 2007 and 2006 editions of the NFL Rookie Coaching Classes are also fun reads, if you are curious.

1) Washington Redskins - Jim Zorn
Proposed nickname: ZORN!!!!!

All I can think of when I see his name is the "Wrath of Zorn." Both Zorn and Khan are four letter words, both end in the letter "n," both have only one vowel, and both sound very, very evil. I wonder if Zorn has ever given a brain slug to any of his players? If he did give brain slugs to each of his players, coaching the team would be like playing a video game... the players would always do what you want!

Anyways, Zorn actually was a QB that got to throw to famous WR and Congressman Steve Largent. Zorn was the QB coach at the Seahawks since 2001, where he tutored Matt Hasselbeck from a QB rating of 70 to a very high 98 in 2005 and 91 in 2007. He also was the QB coach at the Lions from 1998-2000, where he helped Charlie Batch get a QB rating of 83, 84 and 67 respectively. I honestly have no idea how being a QB coach makes one qualified to be an NFL head coach, so clearly, he must be giving brain slugs to someone.

2) Baltimore Ravens - John Harbaugh

Proposed nickname: Big Brother

John Harbaugh is indeed a younger brother of former QB Jim Harbaugh! While John Harbaugh has never been a head coach, the weird thing is former Marquette basketball coach, now Indiana coach, Tom Crean is actually John Harbaugh's brother in law! Even cooler though, is the fact that John Harbaugh played at my alma mater, the Miami RedHawks!

3) Miami Dolphins - Tony Sparano

Proposed nickname: Godfather

Of course, this coach has been hearing Sopranos jokes for years, and ESPN already has done a spoof of the Sopranos starring this new coach. This is why we should just cut the shenanigans and call him the Godfather.

4) Atlanta Falcons - Mike Smith

Proposed nickname: Smitty

Mike Smith was the defensive coordinator at Jacksonville from 2003-2007. I really can't find anything silly on this guy. Even ESPN's Camp Confidential stated that the coach is "a simple man."

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