Cheers and Jeers: Wild Turkey Edition

Ingredients:
1 Bottle Wild Turkey Bourbon (add as needed)

Thanksgiving by definition is the most American of holidays. Its the day where Americans are supposed to eat, drink and watch football to excess. Outside of New Years eve I can't think of a holiday where more booze is consumed. Outside of New Years day I can't think of a day with more football (both played and watched). Outside of MJ's glutton bowl decathlon I can't think of a day where more food is consumed. So how do I plan on spending my Thanksgiving?

9:00 AM : Wake up. Now normally on holidays I like sleeping in on moral principal. Waking up early, much like fluoride, leads to communism. But not today. Today I have lots to do.

9:00-9:30 Eat small breakfast. I need to expand the stomach a little bit. Nothing serious here maybe a bowl of cereal or some eggs or a martini.

10:00 AM Turkey Bowl. Every great thanksgiving should involve some playing of football. Maybe its just tossing the bowl around the backyard. Maybe getting a pick up game with old friends. Maybe its tackling that annoying fat kid that lives next door. It doesn't matter. The important thing is that your stiff arm someone into the ground.

Noon: Time to get back home. Shower. Possibly jerk off to 1970s porn (only the classics on this holiday) and turn on football. Isn't it great to watch football while having a mini-lunch? Remember you have to save room so everything should be mini. Like mini-burgers or mini pizzas or mini deep fried cheesecakes. It really doesn't matter.

2:00 Pass out. Its important that you rest up for the massive eating. If you need a little help getting to bed in the afternoon I recommend Wild Turkey Bourbon or having your significant other bring out the swingset.

2:30 Set fire to Paul Maguire's Home. Why the fuck is he on tv anyways? Not even the other announcers like him

Someone must stop Paul Maguire. Who's it going to be?

2:37 : Stick pins into Roger Goodell voodoo doll. Yeah this asshole thinks its funny to keep me from watching football on the holiest of secular holidays? Laugh it up Commish when you start seeing double and have pain race up your arm. Hahaha. Your voodoo doll is going in the fireplace if you keep me from the Packers v. Cowboys.

3:00 There should be another football game at this point. I assume its the Cowboys. How did Detroit and the Cowboys get the Thanksgiving slot anyways? Did Ford and the Dallas owner at the time get the highest score on the anti-semtism exam? Honestly its the most random of teams to get this award.

5:00 Game Time. Yes the march of the thousand turkey's, stuffings, gravy, etc. begins. Remember don't fill up on bread. That's a rookie mistake. Its also important to bring a second stomach so you can enjoy desert. Other possibility is build a vomitorium. If you can't have some sort of pie its just not a successful glutton experience. Also hoard the gravy. There's never enough fucking gravy. Well tough shit for everyone else cause I like gravy. If any relatives, small children, blind people fail in their cooking duties be sure to mock them. This is the Super Bowl of Food so the only way they can improve for next year is through humiliation (at least that's what Bill Belichek's guide to success says)

Hot lesbians are good conversation partners. The important thing is to liquor them up so this happens rather than some boring discussion on carbon emissions

8:00 Pass out while at table. Its important not to drown in the saucer of gravy you've been hoarding. Hence bring a scuba suit. It might not be practical but it might save your life

9:00 My family always does a movie after the food. I think its a bonding thing. Also after football and food I probably need a little violence to complete the day. I recommend Beowulf, American Gangster or No Country for Old Men. They all seem to fit the bill.

11:30ish. Pass Out. Aim for your bed but couches, floors, bath tubs, and Time Square can be suitable locations as well. Now thats a holiday

Cheers: To Games of the Week. College Arizona State v. USC (Thursday), Boise State v. Hawaii (Friday) Kansas v. Missouri (Saturday). Pro's Green Bay v. Detroit

Jeers: To me. I certainly overlooked Arizona State in the Championship Chase. A victory over USC could leap frog tOSU in the polls and possibly even in West Virginia. They are by no means done.

Cheers: To the Houston Dynamo. They are your MLS champions and more importantly a block on another New England championship....

Cheers: To Lust, Caution. The Ang Lee movie has doctor's warning about attempting some of the sexual moves shown in the movie. "Only women with comparatively flexible bodies that have gymnastics or yoga experience are able to perform them. For average people to blindly copy them could lead to unnecessary physical harm..." Yes I believe a research trip is necessary for this one.

Cheers: To the C&J gal of the week Jen Ellison. I'd say she's a little more than mildly attractive....
Happy Thanksgiving!