It's that time of year where I MahaMighty, seer of seers, prognosticator of prognosticators, seller of 2 for 1 Gyno exams put to the web my predictions for bowl games, what food should go with it and in what state should the watcher. Beat that ACCUSCORE. You soulless betting machine. Betting is about feel, luck, chance and auguring the signs. No machine can do that. Except maybe Caculutron 2000. I can't beat that.
Dec 27th - Arizona State v. Texas - The Heimlich Holiday Bowl
Hey who knows what you'll find in this bowl. Both teams choked away potential BCS bids by getting blown out or losing the Tijuana Banditos (semi-pro Mexican football team). Legend has it Dennis Erikson consumes an entire bottle of whiskey (including the glass bottle) before every bowl game. This is a curiosity bowl for the what ifs so the preffered snack should be something light....I recommend organic cheetos (organic and cheetos together at last? I have to see the outcome of this odd union)
Pick: Arizona State
Dec 29th - Penn State v. Texas A&M - The Mysteriously Located Alamo Bowl
Little known fact the Alamo Bowl is actually played in Beijing. As part of a default loan agreement Texas decided to sell the entire Alamo complex to China. JoePa under agreement with the UN is no longer allowed to travel to East Asia and will become the first college coach to yell at refs via the internet. I recommend cold leftover Lo Mein noodles in honor of our soon to be Chinese overlords.
Pick: PSU
Dec 31st - Kentucky v. FSU - The Schadenfreude Music City Bowl
For those that haven't followed the academic exploits of brain trust that is the Florida State football team a number of players were given exam answers ahead of time to an online music class. This , in the North at least, is considered cheating. So FSU has suspended 24 odd players for this violation and declared Bobby Bowden legally brain dead. Add in injuries, academic ineligibility and parole violations and FSU won't send 36 players to the game. That's like an entire football team. The slaughter will taste beautiful. I recommend rack of lamb for this game. In fact two. One to enjoy and the other to help paint your doorway to protect you from coming alien onslaught.
Pick: Kentucky and Alien Onslaught
Jan 1 Florida v. Michigan - Lloyd's Last Stand
Yes old man Carr last bowl game, last chance for a positive memory, last chance to run the old Bo power I, the last time good, clean, in your face Big 10 football will played against Southerners. Irv Meier of Gators fame has never lost a bowl game and Tim Tebow will probably be healthy for this one. The better have the biggest line left (10.5 in favor of Florida) so its a big challenge for West Fucking Virginia North. I recommend going with the food poisoning method but I'm fairly immoral. I recommend pizza - you'll need the carbs for the rest of the games. M*ch*g$n fan's should consider a Bottle of 151 for celebration or sorrows
Pick: Florida and Publius turns the game off in the 3rd
USC v. Illinois - Tradition v. Spread Option
Hey maybe the spread option can be stopped. If anyone can its USC. USC, despite the pressing conventional wisdom that nothing is better than the spread-option runs a traditional well pro-style offense. Also Pete Carroll still laces them up and plays on special teams during Rose Bowl game which gives them a slight advantage. Unless Illinois recruits clowns to stand on the sideline. Pete Carroll is scared of only two things: Nuclear War and Clowns. Food of Choice I'm going with spicy buffalo wings. Its important that your colleagues at work know that you partied hard not only on New Year's Eve but Year's Day. A powerful scent is a way to achieve this.
Pick: USC Wins but Ron Zook wins respect points by a closer than expected game. Also I suffer from stomach pains.
Honestly with RiRod leaving West Fucking Virginia and Georgia's probable slaughter of Hawaii its clean sledding until the BCS Title Game (Jan 7th) and I'll wait on prognosticating that game.
This (short of a Browns playoff berth) will be my last post till next year. I want to wish all of you safe travels (MJ to Greece, Hitman to what his suppliers call ATL, Publius to the bottom of a nice bottle of Vodka, and Gutsy and Laz to the New Year's Eve Ultimate Fighting Challenge ) **
Happy New Year!
** Note Colonel's location is a state secret this time of year
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