April Corrections

Well the Madness is over and we can all get back to the task at hand of writing books (Mighty), providing prostitutes to various city mayors (MJ) or devouring the souls of men (Hitman). However before we can go forward we must look back. I'm not sure why but for reasons that I fully don't understand (mainly as I don't understand words like "cease" or "desist" or "pending lawsuit") our legal department has informed me I have to issue a few corrections.

1) It was incorrectly reported that FIA President Max Mosley apologized for taking part in a sado-masochistic Nazi theme orgy with 5 prostitutes. Mosley did not apologize and instead complained to Mel Gibson about those unfairly out to get him.

2) It was incorrectly reported that Bill Self demanded armed guards for more job security at KU. Bill Self actually demanded gold bullion be dumped on his front lawn as gold is obviously the only source of security. Self refused to accept silver KU offered as it didn't offer enough security.

3) It was incorrectly reported that Dick Rod at Meechigan had his star offensive lineman resign because of a lack of family values. According to EDSB the real reason was due to the mandatory work out to this exercise tape which continually resulted in epileptic seizures.

4) It was incorrectly reported that the Detroit Tigers won their first baseball game of the season. Apparently baseball does not officially start till June.

5) It was incorrectly reported that Joe Paterno went on an insane rant about not caring about his contract status. Joe Paterno went on an insane rant before attempting to feed on the brains of the living in reaction to the lack of progress on his contract.

6) It was incorrectly reported that Lance Allred is the first legally deaf player in NBA history. Lance Allred is actually the first NBA player to be raised in a polygamous compound. The deaf thing is just an act, that he's be doing his entire life.

7) It was incorrectly reported that the Pittsburgh Steelers Mascot, Steely McBeam, was arrested for intoxication. Steely McBeam was arrested for mopery while publicly intoxicated.

Whew I think thats everything. I hope that gets me off the hook.....