College Basketball Survivor Tournament

Editor's Note: This column was inspired by a conversation held during one of the tournament games last week, between Gutsy Goldberg, Nat McCarron, and Nat McCarron's fiancee.

In the spirit of competition, rivalry, and madness of the March persuasion, we submit to you, our esteemed colleagues, friends and peers, our proposal for a new college basketball tournament to coincide with the NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship, the NIT, and the College Basketball Invitational (the "CBI"). For those who were unaware, the CBI had its first year, and was a 16-team tournament to crown a champion. And by champion, I mean the 98th best team in the land (because 65 play in the NCAA, 32 play in the NIT).

Our new college basketball tournament, the COLLEGE BASKETBALL SURVIVOR TOURNAMENT, will rival the more senior tournaments in excitement, skill, strategy, and funk. Yes, we said funk. True, many teams may be preoccupied with the so-called “premier” or “established” championship tournaments. But I think you’ll agree, after we set forth the components of this tournament, 114th Place never looked so damn good.

The College Basketball Survivor Tournament (the "CBST")
Mission Statement: To boldly go where no man has gone – 114th Place – in a truly Risk-meets-Statego style forum.

Participants: Any Division I team who wishes to put themselves to the test, accept a bid, and face the most exhausting, exhilarating, taxing, and ultimately rewarding endeavor college basketball has seen since the days before intentional fouls were frowned upon.

The Reward: Here's the part where we are really going to get some ratings and ticket sales. The overall winner of the College Basketball Survivor Tournament receives not only the distinction of being the 114th best team, BUT they also receive two other amazing rewards:
1) An automatic berth to the following year’s NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship. If the team is really bad the next year, they'll be in the play-in game. If they are really good, the Secret Selection Committee will seed them appropriately.
2) The winning team also gets some kick ass warm up pants with matching sweatbands for the next year.

Rules of the CBST:
1. 64 teams, 6 rounds, classic NCAA tournament style.
2. First two rounds are played in one weekend with games back to back to back for just over 24 hours straight at only 4 venues.
3. Last four rounds are played in one weekend with games back to back to back to back for just over 24 hours straight at only 1 venue.
4. Each player gets 20 fouls to use throughout the course of the entire tournament. Once he’s fouled out, he’s done.
5. Each team gets 10 time outs to use throughout the course of the entire tournament. Once they’re gone, it’s up to the team to figure it out themselves. Chris Webber would be in some serious shit.
6. All players must wear microphones so that the audience can hear trash talk between players. (Obviously the microphones will be turned off during time-outs and team discussions.)
7. Flagrant abuse of the referee system (i.e. pathetically attempting to draw a foul by flailing about like a velociraptor as the ball drops to the ground going nowhere near the basket) results in a technical foul.

Awards:
1. MVP of the Championship Game – rewards the most talented, intelligent player who has managed to make it to the final game
2. MVP of Duds – rewards the most stylish, trendy player who has managed to look good throughout the entire tournament
3. MVP of Trash Talk – rewards the most clever, articulate player who has managed to talk the talk without requiring any (bleep)-ing bleeps
4. MVP of Style – rewards the player with the most fly moves both on the way to the basket and after the fact (moonwalking is encouraged)

Clearly, this is a tournament that all teams will want to take part in and the NBA will take seriously into consideration when determining who to recruit.