Thursday, September 18, 2008

Cheers and Jeers: Sake Bomb Edition

Somedays you eat the bar and well somedays the bar eats you. Unfortunately these days the bar is big and its appetite is at Rosie O'Donnell levels. The news out their is grim. Stock markets holding out for bailouts (viva capitalism!). Tom Brady injured. Sweatervests being burned in effigy in Ohio. Sheriff murdered! Innocent women and children blown to bits! We have to protect our phoney baloney jobs here, gentlemen! We must do something about this immediately! Immediately! Immediately! Harrumph! Harrumph! Harrumph!

File photo of Mighty Mike handling the news well

So how can we turn things around? I (as always) have a few suggestions....

1) Go To Vegas
Vegas baby vegas. I think that phrase hasn't been sold to China. Nonetheless from what I've been told Vegas is the ultimate adult playground where you can bet, drink or screw on just about anything. In fact I understand the Colonel once bet that a singing bear couldn't do a shot while wearing a diaper and building a small barn only using a handful of screws and bottle of Oregano. They were good odds. Now the question could be raised how does eating at In and Out Burgers before betting it all on black at 5:00 am help anything? My general feeling is that under these scenarios its best to repress. Ignore the problems. Are we not strong enough as sports fans and citizens of the country formerly known as the US to ignore the problem? I say yes.

2) Put Nick Saban in Charge of Something

Look for many many years I've been at the forefront of the Nick Saban is douchebag club. I've said he'd stab you in the back for a free popscile. I've said he'd eat his own young to show that he would. I've said that given the choice between right or wrong, good and bad, Superman and Braniac Nick Saban would inevitably side with the forces of evil. Which is why I'm switching and saying put him in charge of something. Anything. Saban will stop at nothing, nothing to fix whats wrong. No law of man or Odin would keep Saban from achieving his goals. You don't use harsh language to stop a train crash. You use an unstoppable Juggernaut. And worse comes to worse if Saban doesn't fix things its not like he'd immediately bail and leave for better pastures ..oh wait.

3) Drink - Less expensive version of Vegas. MJ, under the affect of alcohol, once bet a stop sign that he could drink himself unconcious at a bar via whiskey. Everyone else enjoyed it as did the stop sign that was given $100 dollars at the end of the evening.

anyway an abbreviated cheers and Jeers....
Cheers To new terminology. The Great Depression introduced all sorts of great terms like Hoovervilles, Hoover Hogs, The Hoover. The recessions of the 1970s introduced great terms like stagflation, OPEC and Undercarriage. I feel strongly that new words will come out of the oncoming train wreck.

Jeers To Joey Porter. Talking smack on the Patrios. Why is he still playing? Don't we have places to stick horribly undesirable people? Like Alaska.

Cheers: To rejoining the 20th century. After 4 days living in the 19th century, its nice to rejoin the 20th century as the power is back here in the Heart of It All. (note as there's gas in my car and zombie hordes aren't attacking me I consider my current lifestyle 20th century not 21st)

Jeers: I feel like there's been a lot of lecturing going on about why the Rays story isn't being covered enough or more fans should appreciate them or blah blah blah. Fuck the Rays. If you keep saying pay attention, the reason might not be that everyone isn't appreciating it, its that nobody fucking cares. Stop lecturing me on how to be a fan.

And your Cheers and Jeers gal of the week Alexis Bledel (since after MJ's posting we needed a more wholesome person)

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