Friday, October 24, 2008

Color Me Unimpressed™

Like Sir George Martin of Beatles fame and Lou Pearlman, the chubby genius who brought us the Backstreet Boys and ‘N Sync, our very own Gutsy Goldberg has spawned an idea so brilliant that it needs to be shared.

I, MJ, a columnist on this blog since March 2005, am announcing my retirement^ from writing. Instead, I will devote my energy to launching a boy-band called Color Me Unimpressed™. It’s been a pleasure sharing my thoughts and opinions with you for all these years but the higher calling of a musical career is too strong to ignore. With that, I leave you with the following thoughts:

Color Me Unimpressed™ with:

1. Eli Manning. Until he gives me a complete 16-game season showing consistency and quality play, the guy remains a busted pick in my book. Having a few good games, a few bad games, and a bunch of average performances sprinkled in for good measure only reinforces my belief that he’s an average to below-average starting QB in the NFL and that he does as much damage to the Giants as he does to help them. A certain secret society that I belonged to had the motto: “You’re either helping or you’re hindering.” So far, Eli’s been hindering.

2. Eddy Curry. For a fat piece of garbage, it’s incredible how much talent he has. Eddy’s problem is that he just places a higher value on eating a triple whopper over being a perennial All-Star. In the past, that wasn’t a big deal. But as a member of Mike D’Antoni’s Knicks, it means that he’s out of the rotation and will now block the view of those Knicks fans sitting directly behind the bench. What’s the upshot? Curry’s got an opt-out clause in his contract. Hopefully he’s so miserable in New York this year that he opts for free agency and goes elsewhere for next season.

3. Plaxico Burress. Perpetually pissy. Permanently perturbed. Persistently petulant. Plaxico is a lousy teammate. He pouts on the field. He’s careless and irresponsible off it. All things being equal, the Giants desperately need his talent but absolutely don’t need his attitude. Exactly why did they sign him to a five year, $35M contract? He is SUCH a loser. It’s pathetic.

4. Peter Gammons. Not for the usual reasons (blatant Boston homerism, appalling lack of fundamental baseball understanding) but because he was drinking and driving this morning. For those of you who were watching/listening to the “Mike & Mike in the Morning” program today, Peter Gammons was calling from his cell phone as he was driving. He sounded absolutely sloshed and it was only 7:30 in the morning. I always knew he was a stupid drunk but I don’t see why he should put the rest of us in danger with his DUI’s.

^Not really.

(Thanks to Mighty Mike for his help in publishing this post)

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