Pot-Luck Headlines

With a bye week before the Super Bowl, it’s time to do some Pot-Luck Headlines from around the world of sports…

Cleveland Browns withdraw job offer to Colonel Sanders
After Colonel Sanders streak of traveling to different cities to ensure their championship success came to an end with a frightening and horrific Denver loss, the Cleveland Browns withdrew their job offer to Colonel Sanders. Colonel Sanders then reiterated that he never even wanted to go to Cleveland anyway.

Artest traded for Peja Stojakovic; Artest Agrees to Use of Invisible Fence in Arco Arena
The Ron Artest trade to the Sacramento Kings finally went through. Sacramento owners, the Maloof brothers, were ecstatic about acquiring such a talent, though he is clinically insane. The most exciting thing is the use of an invisible fence. The fans of Sacramento now know that their team can maximize its playoff potential and will not be subject to any of the physical tirades. If Artest gets off the court in any way other than the authorized player exit, an electrical pulse will stun him, and stop him and new teammate Bonzi Wells from throwing haymakers at fans.

Al Harrington Starring in the Remake of Quantum Leap
Al Harrington was with the Indiana Pacers and was traded to the Atlanta Hawks for Stephen Jackson back in 2004, just months before the “Melee at the Palace” occurred. Harrington believes that if the trade didn’t go through, that the Pacers would not have had Artest on the court against the Pistons at that exact moment when the Brawl broke out, and instead Al Harrington would have been on the court. Harrington said he would have been on the court "because that was one of the situations where they didn't have nobody else to put in the game and they just left him [Ron Artest] out there. I always felt, if I was there, [the brawl] never would've happened." Washington Post January 10, 2006 http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/blog/2006/01/10/BL2006011000624.html

Now, the only obvious thing left to do is for David Stern to approve funding to create a Quantum Leap machine, so that Al Harrington can “make right what once went wrong,” and the NBA would avoid the whole “Melee at the Palace.” Stern’s advisors have warned though that there is a downside to David Stern creating this machine in that it will cause a rift in the space-time continuum because as soon as Al Harrington succeeds on his mission, David Stern never would have approved funding for the Quantum leap machine, and then Al Harrington never would have gone back in time.

Toronto Raptors GM is Fired, Ensures Enshrinement into the Hall of Shame
Finally, the Toronto Raptors made the long-anticipated move today of firing their GM, Rob Babcock. Babcock, had been swindled into trading Vince Carter for a player who was going to be a free agent, Tostitos Gold chips because they are so delicious but hard to find, tickets to Les Miserables, and a toy model X-Wing signed by Mark Hamill. Babcock had an impressive resume before arriving at Tornoto, where as the assistant to Kevin McHale, he once counted all of the floor tiles at the Target Center. While with Toronto, he was able to create a volatile atmosphere, by signing Rafer Alston who was unable to get along with the head coach, and then had to be shipped out of town. He also bought out Alonzo Mourning because Alonzo refused to play, paving a precedent for Vince Carter refusing to play “well.” To Babcock’s credit, he drafted Charlie Villaneuva this year, who certainly has some potential in the Raptors future, though Babcock will not be able to reap any of the benefits of that selection.

Babcock’s interim successor is the one and only Wayne Embry, former manager of the Cavaliers in the ‘80s and the ‘90s. Embry has had some shining moments (drafting Mark Price) and some pathetic moments (trading Ron Harper for Danny Ferry).