So the old home place is turning 229 this Monday. I say Uncle Sam doesn't look a day over 191.
But seriously folks, he's showing his age. He's fighting two wars, systematically bleeding his middle class citizens down to the level of street-side turds, letting his wealthy citizens rob everyone blind, ruining the environment, farting in the face of his friends and giving wet willies and purple nurples to his enemies. It's a tough time for the Uncle. That's why on this most American of holidays, we should hope for the following things to happen:
1. The Yanks go on a 50-game winning streak. This will restore national pride and indentity. Because the Yankees are our national brand and the most recognizable sports team outside of our borders, it would be best for the country if the Yankees reeled off a historic winning streak and rode the good will of the American people to the World Series title.
2. The Dallas Cowboys' plane is hijacked by Boston Red Sox fans and flown into Texas Stadium. That would get rid of two of the worst groups in the United States -- the Cowboys themselves, who are arrogant criminals, and Red Sox fans who are arrogant drunks. It would also get rid of that monstrosity of a football stadium that was designed with a cutout roof so "G-d can watch the Cowboys." Jeez! The Almighty has better things to do than to watch a cruddy team. Anyway, the Person upstairs is already a Packers fan. How else to explain the awesomeness of Lambeau?
(Sorry Hart, but we both know it's true -- being a Packer or a Packer fan is way cooler than being a Bear or a Bears fan).
3. Hockey is officially disbanded as a sport in the United States. With all due respect to the 37 hockey fans left in this country, I think we would be better off as a nation if we let the Canadians, Swedes, Czechs, Russians and Fins do what they do best on their own home turf. The Japanese make the best cars, the Germans make the best beer, the Belgians make the best chocolate, the Americans have mastered baseball, hamburgers, capital markets finance and medicine. Lets let the other countries in the world have something too. Plus, America would make a lot more money if we owned the broadcast rights to foreign hockey and let those that want to watch it pay for it on a PPV basis. It beats half-empty arenas in Nashville, Raleigh and Anaheim.
4. The LeBron James/Danny Ferry era is a huge success. I'm not a Cavs fan but I'm most definitely a LeBron fan. The NBA has been a dull league without Michael Jordan and in LBJ, I see that same potential to make the league matter again. Before the Yanks, before football, before anything, I loved the NBA and I long to love it again. I want LBJ to make me love it and if it takes a Cavs dynasty, then I'm buying in. I don't know if they'll make the right moves this summer but here's to hoping that Ferry and LBJ build something in Cleveland that lasts a lifetime.
(Mike & Gutsy, ya gotta love that!)
5. Live 8 is a huge success. I know it's not sports but anytime the members of Pink Floyd (who hate eachother more than Saddam/Dubya, Pedro/Posada and Kobe/Shaq hate eachother) can get together to play a concert for a good cause, you gotta be rooting for that. The rest of the lineup isn't too bad either: Coldplay, U2, Elton John, Joss Stone, REM, Madonna, Paul McCartney, DMB, Stevie Wonder, The Cure and a whole bunch of other great bands (http://www.live8live.com/).
Happy July 4th everyone.
2 comments:
I never thought I'd see the day when non-Clevelanders would root for the Cavalier dynasty.
As one of the 37 fans of hockey, I definately will miss it. The key for hockey is to have really cheap seats and actually sell out the arenas. Of course this is not going to happen though.
Nonetheless, I will never root for the Yankees. That's just preposterous. If they can't win with all of the resources they have at their disposal, then it's only their fault.
Believe it, Gutsy. As much as I'm a Knicks fan, I'm rooting for LBJ as much as I can. I'll only go to 2 Knicks games this year and those will be when the Cavs come to town. I just hope he doesn't break my heart and become a thuggish gangster like so many other NBA players. He's got a once-in-a-lifetime chance to mean something to America that guys like Iverson, Kobe and Carter couldn't deal with.
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