Welcome to the NFL Playoffs

It’s game time! The NFL Playoffs always have a special place in my heart, as it has the ability to make almost every Saturday and Sunday in January very memorable. First, I have some random issues I need to discuss:

1) Cincy radio announcers stink like the team does– I went on a road trip to Cincy for New Year’s, and I had the unfortunate experience of listening to the Cincy radio announcers for the 1st quarter of their game against the Steelers. Maybe I’m biased, but they were just terrible. The thing that drove me nuts, is that in the 45 minutes I listened, there was only one play where they actually told me what the formation was. It was really quite unbelievable, and the play-by-play guy was really focused on calling out who was in motion each play (which is nice, but pales in comparison to telling what the formation is). Call me crazy, but its really hard to enjoy a game on the radio when you have no idea if there are 2 WRs, 3 WRs, 4 WRs, a split-back, or a 2-TE set.

2) Fantasy Football Championship –First, I would like to thank all of the fans who came out and supported my team this year, because without them, the team would never have performed as well as they did. Seriously though, as much as I talk about football, I never seem to be skillful or lucky enough to put together a championship. The key this season to my BSD Championship was having the absurd team of LT, Colston, and a guy named Drew Brees. I will never have a team like this again. How I got Drew Brees was actually kind of funny, because my strategy going into this draft was to be the “last” guy to take a starting QB. I was banking on landing someone like Trent Green, Kurt Warner, etc. under this strategy. Once both Green and Warner got taken, along with just about any other QB I “thought” was worthwhile, I freaked out, abandoned my strategy, and decided to go with Brees, because I thought he was the best of the crap that was left. Clearly, I got completely lucky, because had the draft worked out the way I wanted, I would have had Trent Green.

NFL Playoff Picks
Due to the crap-tacular nature of the NFC, and the competiveness of the AFC, it makes for an extremely difficult year for handicapping.

3-Indy vs. 6-KC
It’s just so sad what’s happened to Indy. They have no rush defense, and if the Broncos would have somehow just held on last weekend against the 49ers, the Colts would have been playing the hapless Jets, which would be more of a manageable game. Instead, the Colts will need an amazing turnaround if they want to somehow be able to stop Larry Johnson. Alas, the Colts will be in for some major changes this offseason, and it should be interesting to see.
Pick: KC

4-NE vs. 5-NYJ
This ends up being an interesting matchup, because it’s another divisional tilt, and it’s the Mangina vs. Belichick, who now ignores Mangina. You couldn’t ask for a stranger sub-plot. The other weird thing is that the Jets were 6-2 on the road this year. Ultimately though, I just can’t bank on the anemic Jets offense.
Pick: NE

3-Philly vs. 6-NYG
Rule 4: 8-8 Teams don’t win playoff games. They just don’t win games. It’s simple.
Granted, TWO 8-8 teams won playoff games in 2004, but that was in the craptacular NFC, and both games involved divisional matchups. Oh my goodness, is it possible that the Giants can also win??? It’s possible, but their defense is too much in shambles for me to believe it.
Pick: Philly

4-Seattle vs. 5-Dallas
So now that Dallas has just been trampled week-after-week for the last month, everyone finally realizes that the secondary is very suspect, and a passing team can shred them apart. It appears to be a slam-dunk for Seattle, though there always is a possibility of Coach Tuna making some major adjustments.
Pick: Seattle

I’m going to pick the whole playoff tree, but I’ll be back each week to pick the matchups. So, it’s time to get to what I’m seeing in my crystal ball (which never actually happens)…

AFC
After the Chiefs beat Indy, they get a date with the familiar San Diego Super-Chargers. Could Marty Schottenheimer possibly win his first playoff game since 1993, when he was coach of the Chiefs, and they beat the Houston Oilers? I love holding on to silly myths (like Marty can’t win a playoff game), but I think that both the Chiefs and the Chargers will play conservative with Marty finally growing a pair of testicles and calling a flea flicker in the 4th quarter to provide the winning score. Meanwhile, the Baltimore defense will be giving the Patriots a merciless beating due to Cobra Commander’s new mind-reading device, enabling the Ravens to know every play of the Patriots, and enabling kicker Matt Stover to steal Tom Brady’s date the night before. In the end, the AFC will be played by two flawed teams, one with no true offense, and one with a coach who may or may not have testicles. Since the NFL went to a 12-team format, the LOSER of the first game wins only 42% of the time (Hart called me out last year, so I checked all the numbers). The Chargers lost the first game during the season against the Chargers, so the odds are against them. If the Chargers can play from behind, though, Marty will be bold enough to make the right calls to take the most complete team to the Super Bowl (plus, he will wear a hat lined with adamantium, which happens to be the only substance that can block Cobra Commander’s mind-reading device.)

NFC
Philly earns a rematch with the Saints. I’m saying Dennis Green calls the game as a the special third announcer and calls out Jeff Garcia by saying, “You are, who I thought you were!” and the Saints roll to victory. The Seahawks travel to Chicago, and once again, the Bears are vulnerable to the long-ball, this time with DJ Hackett, Burleson, and Deion Branch doing the damage. Suddenly, the crappy Seahawks go to the NFC Championship game, where they get utterly manhandled by America’s team, the New Orleans Saints.

Drew Brees Super Bowl Spectacular
Everyone will be talking about how Drew Brees left the Chargers, yet both teams are in the Super Bowl. LT will use the Brees-love-fest only as motivation to cap off a season for the ages with the Super Bowl title, the Super Bowl MVP, the touchdown record, and an offer he can’t refuse to be on the cover of Madden next season.
Editor’s Note: Gutsy seriously considered picking Baltimore vs. New Orleans in the ultimate battle of good vs. evil, which would be even better than the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny. http://www.ultimateshowdown.org/ Gutsy could not choose such a scenario, because it would probably result in Cobra Commander enslaving the world (and winning the football championship).

Final Stats From the Regular Season
Yahoo Average: 155-101
Peter King: 153-103
Me: 148-108 (that’s the official count, off the website of the pool I’m in, I don’t know when I screwed up the blog count.)
Manwich: 12-7 (thanks Chiefs)
Upset Special: 5-12 (I thought the Giants were going to lose out the season)
So, while a 57.8% sounds decent, it’s absolutely terrible, because the average person was hitting 60.5%, and Peter King was cashing in on every Packers victory and rubbing it in my face. I realize that Peter King beating me is pretty sad, but this will only provide me with more motivation for next season.