Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Why the Cobra Empire Was Defeated

There are many reasons that Cobra Commander, aka Brian Billick, was defeated last week in Baltimore during his quest for world domination. Here are a few that I noticed:

1) Jonathon Ogden was partying the night before – As seen in this picture, Ogden was out late galavanting around the town, and even found some young, impressionable women who were impressed with his membership in Cobra.

2) Cobra Commander Got Greedy - Near the beginning of the 2nd quarter, with the Cobras only down 6-3, Cobra Commander used the ground game on 6 out of 7 plays to get all the way to the Colts’ 4 yard line. With a 3rd and goal, Cobra Commander got greedy, called a passing play, but the Cobras’ QB didn’t see a Colt that was lurking in the shadows, resulting in a costly INT.

3) Empty Promises, Led to Uninspired Ravens - Some people on the Ravens remember all of Cobra Commander’s empty promises from the 2004 election, and were just not as inspired on Saturday. http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=2463 (Editor’s Note: This may be dated, but it does run through a list of some of Cobra Commander’s great ideas, like having ruby-powered satellites that can teleport troops across the world, and unleashing dinosaur clones. I can’t personally remember if each of these things occurred, but if it sounds absurd enough, I believe Cobra Commander would do it.)

4) Over-Annunciating "S" sounds - Steve McNair crumbled from all of the pressure placed on him from Cobra Commander and also grew irritated by Cobra Commander’s over-annunciation of sounds involving “S,” like "Running Backsss", "Avoiding Missssed Field Goals", "Ray Lewisssss isss your leader.”

5) An Early "Retreat!" - Cobra Commander yelled out “retreat” when the Ravens were down 12-3, because Cobra Commander does not have the patience to overcome a 9-point deficit. At that point, Cobra Commander decided it makes more sense to start figuring out a new absurd plan for conquering the world, because absurd plans entail many weeks of intense brainstorming.

Now that the Cobra is finally defeated, we can all breathe easier, well, accept for the poor Ravens who get blamed for last week's loss. As you can see in this picture, Cobra Commander holds everyone except himself accountable for last week's loss.





Enough about Cobra, now, let's focus on this week's games!

New England @ Indy – It’s kind of ironic that the Pats and the Colts made it into the NFL’s Final 4, when arguably, both teams are probably worse than they were 1 year ago (or at least, they are more inconsistent). It just illustrates how luck, timing, and matchups have a major role in the success of any NFL team. Granted, you could probably use “luck, timing, and matchups” to analyze a lot of other things in life too, like Vegas, meeting Scarlett Johannson, being a 5-time champion on Jeopardy!, etc. (Feel free to make suggestions). As I alluded to in a comment earlier in the week, the Colts D isn’t really fixed, they just have yet to be challenged. The strange thing is though, there’s a 60% chance the Colts will win this rematch from earlier in the season (at least that's what the trends say). In the first game, the Colts somehow got Tom Brady to throw 4 INTs, but I don't see that happening again. Ultimately, you gotta go with the coach more likely to make the right adjustments. Pick: New England

New Orleans @ Chicago – The weather report is currently calling for a 30% chance of precipatiation, but a high of 35 degrees. As long as Brees can grip it and rip it, the Saints should have no problem exploiting the Bears for who they really are… a team without a capable secondary (well, at least without Mike Brown in there). I just hope Brees isn’t too sad that he can’t play the Chargers in the Super Bowl. Pick: New Orleans

Note: It’s been 9 years since both home teams lost in the Final 4 weekend. However, it just makes more sense to me at this point to go with the 2 road teams, though you can certainly make arguments for the home teams.

Last week: 1-3 (Ouch! Only got the Saints.)
Playoffs: 4-4 (terrible, atrocious, etc., etc., etc.)

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