Mutumbo's Victims

Dikembe Mutombo honored LeBron James with a surprise birthday bash in Wednesday's game in Cleveland. He bashed his face, fracturing it, causing Lebron to wear a mask. In honor of this incident, ESPN took the time to figure out who else has been injured by Mutumbo. Dikembe Mutombo's elbows have done a lot of damage over the years. Left in his wake were 25 affected players, five broken noses, 20 stitches. I just had to get the word out (especially take note of the April 9, 1999 game, where he managed to injure 4 people in one game!)

I know this is not a typical column, but I have to spread the truth in my role as a journalist.

1. April 20, 2004: Kenyon Martin, hit in the eye and retaliated by clubbing Mutombo across the arm. Received a technical foul
2. March 31, 2003: Yao Ming, hit in the throat. Mutombo assessed flagrant foul
3. Feb. 4, 2002: Vince Carter, hit in the gut
4. May 16, 2001: Vince Carter, hit in the head. Carter did not return to Game 6 of the Eastern Conference playoffs
5. May 6, 2001: Chris Childs, broken nose
6. Feb. 26, 2001: Ray Allen, broken nose
7. Jan. 13, 2001: Corey Maggette, eye trauma
8. Dec. 28, 2000: Chauncey Billups, hit in the mouth, four stitches, fractured front tooth
9. Feb. 6, 1999: Jayson Williams, broken nose
10. May 4, 1999: Mark Strickland, broken nose

11. May 8, 1999: Lindsey Hunter, left eye
12. May 8, 1999: Christian Laettner, cut on face
13, 14, 15, 16. April 9, 1999: Chris Childs, lost a tooth; Marcus Camby, shot to throat; Larry Johnson, hit in the head; Patrick Ewing, hit in the head
17. March 4, 1999: Kevin Willis, injured shoulder. Missed several games
18. May 6, 1997: Dennis Rodman, retaliated and ejected with second technical foul
19. April 12, 1997: Tom Gugliotta, broken nose
20. Jan. 30, 1997: Antoine Carr, knocked senseless

21. Jan. 4, 1997: Charles Oakley, four stitches to the lip
22. Oct. 22, 1996: Michael Jordan, bloodied nose (preseason game)
23. April 10, 1994: Robert Horry, hit in the head, fell to the floor
24. Dec. 30, 1993: Chris Webber; Mutombo later ejected for taunting Chris Gatling
25. Dec. 28, 1991: Robert Parish, hit the floor
26. Nov. 29, 1991: Ricky Pierce, 12 stitches in forehead

Week 17 - Season's End

Well, it’s been a long wacky season as usual. I still think we are in the era where any year, your team can be truly great, or truly terrible. The Chargers went from worst, to contenders. Granted, we still have a couple teams that do well each and every year, (Pats & Eagles). I really cannot remember a year though where most of the teams have their playoff position secured with nothing to play for. 7 teams have secured their seed and have nothing to play for this weekend. NOTHING! This will certainly create mass confusion when the playoffs starts, especially for teams that haven’t had to play hard in about 3 weeks.

Manwich Matchup of the Week-
New Orleans @ Carolina-
From 1-7 to 8-8 and the playoffs. The Panthers are unbelievable. They had 13 guys on IR by week 6 (the Browns didn’t get to 13 until like week 9, and then just gave up). They almost beat the Falcons to win out the season. This would definitely be the best 8-8 team ever to make the playoffs. Am I discounting the Saints by not even speaking of their strengths or weaknesses? Your damn right I am!
Pick: Carolina

Manwich Matchup of the Week, Part 2 (NO Upset of the week this week)-
NY Jets @ St. Louis-
How funny would it be if the Jets lost this game and didn’t make the playoffs? Apparently, the Jets would be the odd team out in a possible 3-way tie with Denver and Buffalo. The Rams have a lot to play for, considering a wildcard and/or division title is within their reach. I’m giving the edge to the Jets, simply because Martz is insane. 2 weeks ago, a reporter asked Martz why Steven Jackson did not play, and Martz said, “I didn’t realize that.” Martz made up for it by letting Jackson rush for 150 yards on Monday night.
Pick: Jets

Minnesota @ Washington-
As always, I’m picking the Vikings. Washington is missing Portis, so I’m actually using some reason this week.
Pick: Minnesota

SUPER 7
The following 7 games involve teams with nothing to play for.

Pittsburgh @ Buffalo-
Lucky: Buffalo is playing a team that does not need to win.
Unlucky: Buffalo still needs help from either Denver or the Jets.
Pick: Buffalo

Indy @ Denver-
The Broncos are in the best spot. Indy is likely to rest everyone. They have the 3-spot locked up, nothing to gain or lose. Broncos may still salvage the playoff spot after all!
Pick: Denver

Cinci @ Philly-
Locked in at NFC #1, Andy Reid may play center for fun. He may also eat a Cornerback for a snack.
Pick: Cinci

Atlanta @ Seattle-
Atlanta is locked in at NFC #2. My fantasy sleeper Michael Jenkins may get some serious playing time. I still think they’re saving his “coming out” party for the playoffs. A 6-5 guy with speed who’s rated off the charts in ESPN football and in Madden?
Pick: Seattle

Green Bay @ Chicago-
GB has nothing to play for. Local Clevelander Tony Fisher may get more time to shine.
Pick: Chicago

San Fran @ New England-
New England has nothing to play for. World Football League MVP Rohan Davey will toss some balls around to both teams for a calistenic workout. This is the one game I have a problem with. I really don’t have the courage to pick San Fran even though New England has nothing to play for.
Pick: New England

KC @ San Diego-
Marty Schottenheimer returns to the playoffs! Unbelievable how well their defense came together after sucking it up for so long. But they’ll save all the surprises for after the playoffs.
Pick: KC

Miami @ Baltimore-
Baltimore only needs to win and hope for Buffalo, Denver, and Jacksonville to lose. I’m just happy they’re not going to the playoffs. The main reason- choking in week 1 to the lowly Cleveland Browns!
Pick: Baltimore

Jacksonville @ Oakland-
All the Jags had to do was win against Houston, and they would have held all of the tiebreakers. Instead, they laid a big, fat egg and lost by 21 points. I think the “oops I crapped my pants excuse” does not hold up very well in the National Football League.
Pick: Jacksonville

Cleveland @ Houston-
The Houston Texans were my surprise team. One more victory and they get to 8-8. That really was not too bad, considering how pathetic their defense was and how Carr got sacked so often. The biggest problem is that they are in the AFC South with the Colts, Jags, and Titans. Believe me, next year will not be any easier.
Pick: Houston

Tampa Bay @ Arizona-
You do realize, Arizona would be right in the playoff mix. One problem, they got swept by the 49ers!!! This normally would not be a big deal except that the 49ers only have 2 wins, which are both against Arizona. Meanwhile, Brian Griese sold his soul to the devil to re-discover his groove. The movie’s coming out next year, “How Griese Got His Groove Back.”
Pick: Tampa Bay

Dallas @ NY Giants-
This will be the second straight year that the Giants lose out the season. Last year, they started 4-4 and lost 8 straight to get to 4-12. This year was a little better, they started 5-2, only to lose 9 straight. Actually, I’m not sure which one is better.
Pick: Dallas

Detroit @ Tennesee-
This game means nothing. Anything can happen. I’m going to stick with Kevin Jones. K-money!
Pick: Detroit

Last Week: 13-3 (2 of the 3 losses were Manwich and Upset!)
Season: 145-97
Manwich Matchup: 7-9 (The Vikings make me a loser once again)
Upset Special: 7-9 (Picking against the Steelers again did not work out so well)

Looking Back, Foward and Across

Well its the almost the new year, so like any pundit its time to recap those events that we remember. Why do pundits do that? My first impression is because America has no memory. I keep waiting for reunion shows for shows that are still ongoing. I would also say people are lazy . I mean what else explains the existence of Starbucks across the street from a Starbucks. But the 5th Street will one up the usual punditry by doing adding a little imitation and a little prognastication.

The Present (i.e. This Week in Sports)

The Manwhich Matchup
The Super Chargers and Colts made this game into a super sloppy joe. High powered offense, an exciting come back and recording breaking performances. The Chargers had LT running on all cylinders, hadn't made any mistakes and somehow had contained Manning for about 55 minutes. But there's always that third part of the game (you know the one that's so bad on the Browns that no one even mentions) thats right Special Teams. When Rhodes returned the kickoff for a TD it kept the Colts in the game and seemingly got the fire stoked under Mannings feet.

Upset of the Week
Well for once in the NFL pretty much all the favored teams held serve. Yes, I know Jacksonville lost but Leftwich had a concussion. I'm fairly certain if Byron knew that that he was playing football and not basketball the Jaguars would have one the game. The game that I was most suprised about was Denver over Tennessee. This is a team that well folds faster than Superman on laundry day. But somehow Jake "Middle Finger" Plummer gave them the victory. Can Denver actually make it to the Playoffs? A definitive maybe.

The Future
Next week's big game is Carolina v. New Orleans. Both teams are hot (and not in the Brittney Spears trashy soon to be former career way). The winner pretty much will get the last wild card and get the joy of going to Green Bay. Nonetheless hold onto your Rolling Rocks sports fans I'm predicting a great game (and a new orleans victory)

The Past
Well its been a long year in the Sports World. The ectasy of victory, tragedy of defeat (well if your in Cleveland its the later and the never the former). Here's a brief list of the best and worst of 2004:

Best Team:
Detroit Pistons - This is a team that really came together, played as a unit and won as a unit. They seemed to get better as the playoffs ran on (play of the year coming for Tayshoun Prince blocking Reggie Miller's lay-up). Unlike the Patroits (runner up for team of the year) they dominated in the championship , with the mighty Lakers being reduced to squabbeling children.

Best Game:
The best game of the year probably happened in the Super Bowl. Two teams marching back and forth, a last second field goal, nudity, funny commercials...what else could be better? I'm not sure maybe if Belichek had celebrated the victory by doing some sort of Irish jig but this was as close to a perfect game (read Rams over Titans) as your going to get. The runner up with UConn winning the national championship over Georgia Tech (its The Tournament it always get a shout-out)

Player of the Year:
Mia Hamm. Her team won the gold in Athens. It was her and the rest of these modern day Amazons that enough gold and championships that would make King Tut jealous. They started an entire league for these gals (by contrast Lebron James gets a gator-aid named after him...hmm lets think about this one). Is there really anyone with comparable atheletic accomplishments, talents, grace and respect in today's sports?

Most Over-Hyped Moment
Boston winning the World Series. Ah the inhumanity of city not winning a championship in the last oh 9 months or so. How could a team with the 2nd biggest payroll that had just added a World Series MVP actually win a World Series? What adversity they had to overcome. Talk about overhyped. Yes the Red Sox hadn't won a World Series since butter and bread had become a best selling item. But the biggest thing in their way was a fat dead guy. Come on! The one thing that makes me happy is that we won't have to listen (hopefully) to Boston fans bitch and moan.

Goats of the Year
Ron Artest
For making everyone forget about what is going on in the NBA. For ruining Larry's Bird's team and keeping them from winning a championship. For making kids cry.

Barry Bonds, Bud Selig and Don Fehr
Steriods 10,003
Record Book 0
Safety 0
Common Sense 0

Butch "Napoleon" Davis
Do I really need a reason?

Happy New Year to all and to all a good night

Week 16- Mini-Playoff Preview

Just to get it down on paper, I'm going to give a quick Mini-Playoff Preview. Logically speaking, it should be Steelers over the Eagles. But we all know that will never actually happen. Roethlisberger would have to defy all the odds to be a winning rookie QB. And the Eagles probably won't even get there without TO! Emotionally speaking, I'm going Colts over Falcons. Both teams are flawed, but if the Colts score often enough, they can beat anyone. The Falcons need only get to the NFC Championship, then take down an Eagles team that is weak against the run and has no TO to rely on. The most interesting race will be to see who will get the wild card(s) in the AFC. Assuming the Jets make it, I'm pulling for Jacksonville right now, though nothing would suprise me. I'm also hoping for Carolina to make the NFC Playoffs, so we can see stories about an 8-8 team making the Super Bowl. OK, we'll see how this all looks in a few weeks. On to the games.

Manwich Matchup of the Week-
Green Bay @ Minnesota- Christmas Eve. The only game on. Winner gets a division title and a crucial home game. Assuming the loser can still make the playoffs (Green Bay already clinched, Minnesota would need to win the last week) they would get a road game at the weak Seattle/St. Louis winner. Not too bad. All year long, I’ve stuck by the Vikings through thick and thin. In a strange kind of way, it’s almost better to be on the road for that first game then to possibly have to face the Carolina Panthers.
Pick: Minnesota

Upset of the Week-
Baltimore @ Pittsburgh- I’m thinking the Steelers are just not good enough to finish 15-1. In addition, I think the Steelers could be like ’99 Jags, go 14-2 with both losses to the same team (the Jags ended up losing a 3rd time to the Titans in the playoffs).
Pick: Baltimore

Oakland @ KC-
It’s kind of sad, but KC really has been in every game this season, they only needed some semblance of a defense, imagine that.
Pick: KC

Denver @ Tennessee-
Denver has been consistently screwing up, yet they still are in the thick of the playoff race. This might be one of Plummer’s 4TD- 0 INT weeks.
Pick: Denver

NY Giants @ Cinci-
I think I’m just going to keep picking against Eli every week.
Pick: Giants

Chicago @ Detroit-
After the Lions failed to get the extra point, I’ve never seen a more shocked look than Coach Mariucci. The amazing thing is, had they won the game, they’d also be in the playoff hunt at 6-8!
Pick: Detroit

San Diego @ Indy-
What a game. I could have picked this as the Manwich Matchup, but I just don’t think the battle for 3 vs. 4 seed is as crucial. What is the difference between playing the Jets, Jags/Ravens/Bills/Broncos? I’d be scared any which way!
Pick: Indy

Houston @ Jacksonville-
Yes, my surprise playoff pick for 2004 (Houston) just didn’t have the defense, or the offense, to make it through. They did beat the Jags first time around, and I think revenge will play a huge role this time around.
Pick: Jacksonville

Atlanta @ New Orleans-
The Falcons are resting everyone, they have the 2-seed locked up, so there’s no reason not to, which only puts the Saints one step closer to an improbable playoff berth.
Pick: New Orleans

Carolina @ Tampa Bay-
That really hurt with Carolina last week. I had them winning, and it just hurt. This team started out at 1-7, and if they could make the playoffs, it would be amazing! I’m still on the bandwagon. How come they lose 15 guys, and they get motivated to win every game, and the Browns just concede? The answer: Unlike the Browns, their backups have talent.
Pick: Carolina

New England @ NY Jets-
This game could go either way. I still can’t believe the Pats lost to the Dolphins. I still think a loss like that is healthy at this point, assuming the team still gets their 1st-round bye.
Pick: New England

Buffalo @ San Fran-
I know McGahee won’t be there, but I have to have some faith that the Bills can beat the 49ers in Chris Berman’s dream Super Bowl.
Pick: Buffalo

Washington @ Dallas-
I don’t know what to think about this. It’s a rivalry game, but I gotta go with Julius Jones.
Pick: Dallas

Arizona @ Seattle-
Seattle better get their shit together, win the last 2 games, or else everyone will be fired.
Pick: Seattle

Cleveland @ Miami-
Welcome to the 2004 Battle of the Interim Coaches! LIVE on Sunday night, for a national audience! I’m sure the ESPN execs were hoping for this when the season began.
Pick: Miami

Philly @ St. Louis-
I still think Philly can win w/o TO, this week at least. I still can’t believe how Roy Williams got TO from behind and brought him down like that, and it just destroyed his whole leg. The Rams are just pathetic also, evevn though I know Bulger is coming back. Luckily for the Rams, the Eagles have locked up homefield, and I don't see them risking any more injuries.
Pick: St. Louis

Last Week: 11-5
Season: 132-94
Manwich Matchup: 7-8 (Thanks Jags for squeaking it out against Green Bay)
Upset Special: 7-8 (Arizona over the Rams was just too easy!)

Into the Home stretch

Well sports fans, we've hit the most wonderful time of year. College Football, Pro Football, Pro Basketball, College Basketball and of course the international Jai-Lai tournament. What could be better? Well maybe the Swedish bikini team showing up at my door in need of a shower but thats a seperate story. Anyway here's a brief list of things that I am looking foward to (and I assure you a long holiday line at the airport is not one of them)

1. Super-Chargers v. Half-Manning Half Amazing.
Yep. The game frankly doesnt mean much in terms of playoffs. The winner will face the Jets and the loser will face either Baltimore/Denver/Jacksonville/Buffalo. Which is easier? No idea. After that would you rather play New England on the road or Pittsburgh on the road. No idea. Nonetheless it should be a great game. LT and a great run defense should limit Manning's ability to a) have the ball and b) play action. We will see

2. Minnesota v. Green Bay.
Favre historically has done poorly in domes. Historically Minnesota couldn't beat 11 blind kids in December. Something has to give. Minnesota hasn't seemed to have gotten back on track from when Moss was healthy. On the otherhand the loser faces the sorry NFC West so maybe its better to be the loser?

3. Lakers v. Heat
Thats right boys and girls, Christmas day. A time of care and concern. Of Ebeneezer Scrouge buying a big goose for Bob Crachit. Lots of Chinese Food. Its a good time. Its going to be an even better night for those of us waiting for the Big Diesel (aka Shaq) to be sitting in the lane when Kobe drives to the hole. Will Shaq swat it away or pile drive Kobe? Who knows, I'm excited and frankly hoping for the later.

4. Miami (OH) v. Iowa State (Dec 27th)
This is probably the biggest game the MAC plays this year. A win over the big 12 tends to mean more recruiting, more attention and certainly more sway next year when the BCS reviews who's coming to the big game. Its also the last game for the Coach of Miami (who I couldn't recognize if I he walked into my house...hopefully with the Swedish Bikini team damn I keep getting off-topic). Nonetheles its a big game

5. Anna Bensen
The wife of Met's pitcher Kris Bensen who on Howard Stern issued a bold warning to her hubie. If he gets caught cheating she's open to...well anyone (provided they are connected to the Mets). Hey I used to root for them so I hope that includes me. Nonetheless this is a pressing issue and showed be followed intently.

Stay tuned sports fans...its going to be a heck of a finish for the year

Week 15 - I've been Eliminated

Well, I got eliminated from both leagues as anticipated. I won my game, but I needed someone else to lose. The problem was, he was playing against a team that hadn’t changed his lineup in about 7 weeks. I needed Jeff Garcia to play the game of his life. The bigger problem was, Garcia wasn't even starting! Garcia did make it into the game, and then abruptly got injured (just like every other starter on the Browns this year). And thus, no playoffs at all for me.

Anyways, on to the games.

Manwich Matchup of the Week-
Jacksonville @ Green Bay-
I used to love this matchup back in the late ‘90s. I think I predicted this as the Super Bowl a couple of times. The Jags still have Jimmy Smith & Fred Taylor. The Packers still have Favre. Both teams are fighting for the playoffs, but I gotta go with Jacksonville, as their surprising march to the playoffs continues.
Pick: Jacksonville

Upset of the Week-
St. Louis @ Arizona-
Is this still considered an upset? I think so. Now that the Cardinals are responsible for BOTH 49er wins, if they have any kind of self-respect they will play hard and beat the Rams.
Pick: Arizona

Pittsburgh @ NY Giants-
Is Eli still in there? So being in the pressure cooker of New York is better than being in San Diego?
Pick: Pittsburgh

Washington @ SF-
San Fran could have completed the 2nd winless season of all time, but the Cardinals had to dramatically give them TWO victories. Just so we are all aware, the first time, the Cards had a huge lead, only to blow it and lose in OT. In the 2nd game, the Cards mysteriously spotted the 49ers 28 points, then they forced OT, only to lose in OT. This week, the 49ers aren’t playing the Cards, so it makes things easy.
Pick: Washington

Carolina @ Atlanta-
The Browns just reached the same injury level as the Panthers. Yet the Panthers have won FIVE straight games! It’s amazing! The coaches, the GM, the waterboy, and the masseuse should all be congratulated.
Pick: Carolina

Buffalo @ Cincinnati-
Who says: “Nobody circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills” ?
Pick: Buffalo

Dallas @ Philly-
Chris Berman. That’s the answer. Anyway, even Parcells can’t figure out his team. After a dramatic comeback against the Seahawks, they lay a big turkey down against the Saints. Unbelievable.
Pick: Philly

Denver @ KC-
Fantasy Note: I banked on Tatum Bell being the Bronco starter back in week 3, when Quentin Griffin started to struggle. I was wrong though, as the backup fullback, Droughns (DROO-GANS), went on to have some great games. Mysteriously, Tatum Bell averaged 7 yards a carry, 123 yards, and 2 touchdowns in just 3 quarters of work. Then he got injured again. Tatum Bell is an enigma wrapped in a medical report.
Pick: Denver

Houston @ Chicago-
I think everyone knows who I pick here.
Pick: Houston

Minnesota @ Detroit-
How can the Vikings just give up every year? It’s uncanny. It doesn’t seem possible. I can’t figure out if it’s the coach, the players, the fans, or the players’ wives. I think they should grow playoff beards starting in week 8 and no one can shave the rest of the season. That’s the only solution I see.
Pick: Minnesota

San Diego @ Cleveland-
It’s so sad I have nothing left to say. The most exciting thing is next season, we get Winslow back, the rookie safety who got injured before the season began, a scouting department, a GM, a new coach, Andre Davis, & Andra Davis. It’s going to be a very good holiday season.
Pick: San Diego

Seattle @ NY Jets-
I can’t figure out either team. When in doubt, go w/ the AFC.
Pick: Jets

New Orleans @ Tampa Bay-
Speaking of teams that make no sense, here are 2 charter members. Always go w/ Griese right? In addition, Galloway snapped what seemed like a season-long touchdown drought.
Pick: Tampa Bay

Tennessee @ Oakland-
2 years ago, this was the AFC Championship game. Wow.
Pick: Tennesee

Baltimore @ Indy-
This is a good matchup, and if Indy can score enough, it will help put a serious nail in the coffin against the Ravens. We can only hope.
Pick: Indy

New England @ Miami-
It’s games like this that makes ABC glad that they will have alternate options to show on Mondays in the future.
Pick: New England

Last Week: 12-4 (seriously!)
Season: 121-89
Manwich Matchup: 6-8 (Damn Vikings blew another one.)
Upset Special: 6-8 (I guess picking against the Steelers each week isn't smart)

So your rebuilding a team

So your rebuilding a team....This is the second time the New Cleveland Browns will have to completely rebuild so let's get a few pieces of advice out of the way.

Things that you probably should avoid when rebuild:
1) Don't hire Butch Davis
2) Draft Talent
3) Don't hire Butch Davis
4) Avoid costly free agent veterans. Rarely do they work out and typically they don't do much better than a rookie. Sure Terrel Owens worked out but how's Oakland doing with Warren Sapp. Avoid the golden oldie...
5) Rename your team so that it does not include "Cleveland". Apparently Cleveland teams just cant win


Besides that I have no comment on baseball. Its a farce. The cities of New York, LA and Chicago have bought up all the talent again, with a few crumbs going to the lucky few (Seattle, Arizona). However once again we basically know who are the top 3-4 teams who will be in the World Series. If people stop paying attention to it, maybe the problems of finance and steriods will be cleaned up. As such effectively immediately I am on strike against baseball.

Basketball... the free agent aquisition of the year so far has been...Danny Fortson. He has anchored the Sonics run at the top with hard nosed defense and rebounding. Trade of the year so far has been Phoenix getting Steve Nash.

College Football...Glad to see Ty landed on his feet (so to speak) in Washington. I'll be shocked if Notre Dame does any better next year and you know what...they deserve it.

College Basketball....ACC season starts soon and if anyone wants to watch good basketball...tune into ACC Sundays on Foxsports. Its going to be amazing.

Week 14 - Playoffs? I don't know the meaning!

Playoff Update: In my beloved Creampuff league, I needed a win and a number of losses to take place. I didn’t bother checking my team on Sunday morning though, Steve McNair didn’t play at all, and that pretty much sealed the deal for me. In the end, it didn’t matter, as one of the teams above me did win, officially eliminating me from consolation playoffs.

In the Ford league, I had a very tough decision – Steven Jackson against the 49ers or Julius Jones against the Seahawks. I went the safe route and went w/ Jackson. Got me 130 yards. Jones came out Monday night, inspired by my snub, got 198 yards and 3 touchdowns. It didn’t matter though – I still would have lost by 2 points. Why? Because I didn’t succeed in getting any QB points in this league either! Marc Bulger got injured on the first series on Sunday, and that sealed my fate.

The moral of the story in both leagues is that no matter what I would have done, nothing would have changed. Even w/ a time machine to go back to last Saturday, I couldn’t have fixed the problem unless someone would have told me to start an ice-cold Hasselbeck over Bulger.

Alas, on to the games.

Manwich Matchup of the Week-
Seattle @ Minnesota-
2 fading teams, trying everything they can to take themselves out of the playoff race. Someone has to win. Unless they tie. As always this season, I’m going with the Vikings. They are more capable. I hope.
Pick: Minnesota

Upset of the Week-
NY Jets @ Pittsburgh-
Well, the Jags couldn’t do it, maybe the Jets can? Pennington’s healthy now. There’s a chance.
Pick: Jets

Oakland @ Atl-
Last time the Falcons got spanked, they turned around and killed the Broncos. Substitute Bronco for Raider, same result.
Pick: Atlanta

NY Giants @ Baltimore-
You see, Eli really should have gotten that first win last week. Now, the losses are just going to keep piling up. I don’t think Baltimore’s going to be too happy about what happened last week.
Pick: Baltimore

Cleveland @ Buffalo-
Strange stat of the week- Look at Jeff Sagarin’s ratings on http://www.usatoday.com/sports/sagarin/nfl04.htm The Browns are the 14th best team in the NFL. Better than the Atlanta Falcons, Carolina, Tampa Bay, or the NFC West. Seriously.
Pick: Buffalo

New Orleans @ Dallas-
I love how 3 weeks ago, they were saying how Parcells should just retire, and now they are praising him for taking a team that almost gave up hope and winning a bunch of games.
Pick: Dallas

Detroit @ Green Bay-
I really wish the Lions had something left, so that my Vikings could have an even easier time winning a playoff spot. And in the NFC, winning a playoff spot really doesn’t say much.
Pick: Green Bay

Indy @ Houston-
Peyton Manning is on a whole nother level. He probably is an expert at Madden AND ESPN Football.
Pick: Indy

Chicago @ Jac-
Don’t hang your heads Jags. There’s still a chance. You jus have to win out.
Pick: Jacksonville

Cinci @ New England-
It’s tempting to pick Cincy again. Mainly because such a dramatic victory would probably raise the Browns rank into the top 10 according to Jeff Sagarin.
Pick: New England

Miami @ Denver-
I think there really has to be an “Inconsistency Award” given to Jake Plummer this year. I think he’s had 3 games with 4 TDs, 0 INTs, and 3 games with 0 TDs, 4 INTs. Unreal.
Pick: Denver

San Fran @ Arizona-
Classic revenge game. Go Cards!
Pick: Arizona

St. Louis @ Carolina-
The Carolina Panthers are serious about making the playoffs. I’m also cheering for the first-ever 7-9 division champion.
Pick: Carolina

Tampa Bay @ San Diego-
This has serious playoff implications. Tampa Bay is still hanging around at 5-7. San Diego needs to put the finishing touches on a dream season.
Pick: San Diego

Philly @ Washington-
Congrats to the Redskins! After 13 weeks, they cracked the 20-point barrier! Fans were giving high-fives everywhere.
Pick: Philly

KC @ Tennessee-
Priest Holmes where are you? Has there ever been a more dominant RB that everyone just forgets about? I have this feeling that no one will even remember him 10 years from now.
Pick: KC

Last Week: 9-7
Season: 109-85
Manwich Matchup: 6-7 (Thank you Chargers.)
Upset Special: 6-7 (The Jags came so close to that 60-yard FG. So close!)

Looking for Dandelions

One of my favorite cartoons was The Outlander also known aka Berkely Breathed aka Opus (I'm still not sure why the cartoon's name changed all the time but then again I'm not syndicated...yet). Nonetheless on those quiet Sunday's the characters in the cartoon strip would take a break from the trials and tribulations of the world to lie down in a dandelion patch. Some sort of symbolism of avoiding the real world with simple, good, clean fun. Sports in America tries to serve the same purpose (well those that look at sports in a healthy manner....and yes on the flipside are Boston Red Sox fans). Scanning a few headlines of the past few weeks on sports one gets 1) Players and fans exchanging punches like Mike Tyson in Vegas and 2) Steriods. Bonds and Giambi apparently didn't double in size overnight from eating spinach. And while the media points at the failing of the union and Bud Selig, the owners who have largely turned a blind eye and the fans who continue to buy tickets are equally to blame. I'm guessing the baseball will get stricter testing but future designer drugs (apparently the latest wave will include drugs that re-write DNA) will stay one step ahead. Sigh...where's that dandelion patch when you need it?

That was a pretty long rant so I'm just going to do a few points on odds and ends.

1. Hats off to Carson Palmer. 24 points in the 4rth. Over 300 yards throwing. Today, you are man. If he can keep it up...anything is possible

2. Do they really need to play the NFC playoffs? The real Atlanta stood up today in its 27-0 shlacking and apparently the true face of the Falcons is no different than the Lions.

3. I actually don't mind the BCS. You get lots of matchups that you normally don't (e.g. OSU v. OSU). Teams play hard the whole season since every game counts. The bowl season caps the number of games played so COLLEGE players are less likely to be hurt. Finally does anyone really think that a playoff system will end controversy. NCAA basketball has a 64 team playoffs and every year there is controversy over who's in and in what bracket each team is placed. Playoffs will not be some panacea.

4. I am most disappointed about Texas making the BCS. I really wanted to see a team that could throw the ball against Michigan. Instead it'll be lots of defense and lots of running. If it was up to me I would replace Pittsburgh with Texas for the Fiesta Bowl and replace Texas with California for the Rose Bowl. But since its apparently illegal to overthrow the BCS or the government, we have to suffer with Texas v. Michigan and Clarence Thomas.

5. I am excited for Miami University v. Iowa State (assuming scientists can find the cure to stab wounds for Miami's receiver). I think the state championship of Miami v. Florida could be good and don't discount Auburn v. Virgina Tech. Tech has one of the best defenses in college and Aurburn might have a hangover from not making it to the big dance. I'm predicting it now...USC in a walk over Oklahoma.

Week 13 - Playoff Push

It's time for the Playoff Push in the NFL, and especially in fantasy football, w/ just 2 weeks left until the playoffs. Now, in my Creampuff League, I stink, I would need a miracle, as I sit at 4-8, 1 game back of the consolation playoffs. In my Ford League though, I'm up 1 game, but I don't hold the tiebreaker. It's way too complicated though to reconcile the people I'm rooting for & against. Though I did hear my fantasy matchup against the 2nd-place team has been pushed to the feature game on Fox.

Well, I ended my sub-500 streak at 3. A return to normalness. For once. Ok, let’s do this quick.

Manwich Matchup of the Week-
Denver @ San Diego-
This is probably the most important game on the whole slate. If San Diego wins, they’ll have a commanding 2-game lead. If Denver wins, they’ll be tied w/ San Diego, but by virtue of a sweep, will hold the tiebreaker. I’m going revenge factor here. Also, Coach Schottenheimer told me this team is different than the one that collapsed after 8-4 2 years ago. By me, I mean ESPN.
Pick: San Diego

Upset of the Week-
Pittsburgh @ Jacksonville-
Yes. At some point, Pittsburgh has to lose before the playoffs. I just see them losing some freak game on the road, to a desperate team. Granted, the Steelers still have road games against the Bills & the Giants, but I’m guessing both of those teams will be eliminated from playoff competition by then. Anyways, the season will end, Jacksonville probably won’t make the playoffs (though they could win the NFC), and yet they will have beaten Pittsburgh & Jacksonville. Bittersweet irony.
Pick: Jacksonville

Green Bay @ Philly-
Favre vs. McNabb. Ultimately though, the AFC is far superior, and I don’t think that any of the NFC teams are going to give Philly trouble… until the playoffs.
Pick: Philly

Cinci @ Baltimore-
I have this sneaking suspicion the Bengals are scoring less than 20 points this week.
Pick: Baltimore

Minnesota @ Chicago-
The Bears are starting Chad Hutchinson, a 3rd string QB from the Cowboys who couldn’t make the team. But don’t worry, if things don’t go well, they have Jeff George to back him up. The question is: which Jeff George? Personally, I like the Minnesota Viking Jeff George personally. I also like the Raider-Jeff George. Not a big fan of the Redskin-Jeff George.
Pick: Minnesota

New England @ Cleveland-
Alas, Butch is finally gone. I’m seriously excited to have a GM and a scouting department as opposed to just relying on Butch’s sole, subjective opinion which was based on his recruiting trips from 4 years ago.
Pick: New England

Arizona @ Detroit-
Arizona is starting John Navarre. Ouch. I mean, he wasn’t even that good on Michigan.
Pick: Detroit
Tennessee @ Indy-
Indy’s had 10 days off for Peyton to study every nuance of their defense.
Pick: Indy

Buffalo @ Miami-
Buffalo suddenly has approached 500. Meanwhile, the Dolphins are missing the moustache. Where are you Mr. Moustache, on a beach, eating ice cream, getting your moustache dirty?
Pick: Buffalo

Carolina @ New Orleans-
Just when you think the Panthers are dead, they use all their backups and the Jedi Powers of Julius Peppers (JP^2) to win 3 straight games. But you know what, I’ll go w/ the Saints, the most unpredictable team in the NFL.
Pick: New Orleans

Houston @ NY Jets-
Ok, backup QB. The Texans are desperate for a win. I don’t care if I pick too many upsets.
Pick: Houston

San Fran @ St. Louis-
Bulger threw for 450 yards yet still lost. I can’t even imagine what crazy adjustments Martz will have this week.
Pick: St. Louis

Atlanta @ Tampa-
Ode to the Gramatica Brothers. On the verge of greatness, 2 kickers in their primes. Bill’s career went down the crapper when he tore an ACL while celebrating. Marteeen’s career went down the crapper when he simply started making less than half. I think Shaq’s free throw percentage is higher. That’s not good.
Pick: Atlanta

KC @ Oakland-
Wow, the Chiefs have fallen. I think Oakland will be content enough w/ just one victory last weekend. Now it’s the Chiefs turn for a meaningless victory.
Pick: KC

NY Giants @ Washington-
Eli, I’m throwin you a bone here. Win your 1st game now, or those New York fans will hate you.
Pick: Giants

Dallas @ Seattle-
This is intriguing. Not sure what to expect. Seattle is playing like crap, seems destined to win their division at 8-8, even w/ getting swept by the Rams, who seem destined for 7-9. Let’s see if we can make it happen!
Pick: Dallas

Last Week: 11-5
Season: 100-76
Manwich Matchup: 5-7 (Thank you Vikings.)
Upset Special: 6-6 (The Cards came close against the Jets. It was 3-3 for a little while)

5th Street: I got nothing

"Hello, I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounter is true and by true, I mean false. Its all lies. But they're entertaining lies, and in the end isn't that the real truth? The answer is no." A quote from the Simpsons. What does this have to do with sports this week? Well sports doesn't seem to make sense so why should my articles?

1. Browns v. Benglas. 106 points. 962 yards. Yeah when I envision a shoot out I think back-up quarterback and nearly rookie/robotic quarterback. The second half of that game was something out of Madden. Fumbles, interceptions, penalties, and no defense. None. For all I know the Bungals and Clowns only fielded 7 defensemen. And the way injuries piled up in that game why not.

2. Butch Davis still being coach (or its true as I'm posting this). Let's think the Clowns best offensive player (read K2) was injured on a return team. As some sort of loyalty to symmetry Butch put his best defenseman (read Andra Davis)on the return team and suprise, suprise he's hurt for the year(s). Please someone end this man's reign.

3. The end of parity. Remember the last few years when everyone marveled at the parity of the league. Any team could beat any other. Its a dog fight to win a division. The Eagles clinched their division today. As in before december. There are 3 one loss teams. And Indy isn't that far behind. Yeah there's about as much parity here as the ill-fated man v. bear eating contest or the Norman Chad versus a gorilla wrestling match (turns out Norman Chad can really wrestle).

4. Drew Brees to Antonio Gates. At the begining of the year if someone had told me that the most prolific combination would be Drew "I'm not sure I'm starting" Brees to Antonio "Wait am I playing football or basketball" Gates I'd have called you a liar (and possibly some other things that apparently the FCC frowns on). This is Gates second year playing football. Man oh Man is he good though.

5. Seattle, Phoenix, Orlando first place in their respective divisions. I don't even have anything to say about that other than its a long season. But if the season ended today (and boy is that an overworked phrase these days) I think only Ivan would have predicted any of that. Indiana has won 3 out of 4 games since the massive suspension/purge. I got nothing on that one either (other than Larry Bird needs to get some sort of super award for having that much depth). Finally if anyone at all can explain why I should watch Big East football (let alone watch it in a BCS game) you win a $1.25

Week 12- I Love This Game

Well, I’ve got to address the NBA first. I woke up extra early last Saturday just so I could watch the incident from as many angles as possible. As we all know, Artest has no reason to go in the stands. Unfortunately, once he’s in the stands, and you can’t see him, and 4 fans are surrounding him and doing who knows what, I really can’t blame for Stephen Jackson or anyone else for defending their teammate. Now, Jackson went a little overboard though on the haymakers- he looked like a 10-year old repeatedly hitting the punch button in “Mortal Kombat.” Artest & Jackson got the punishments they deserved. As for Jermaine O’Neal, he got the shaft. I can’t believe the arguments I heard this week- “He hit an innocent guy just walking around.”
WHAT??? Let’s just get this straight, that chubby guy that O’Neal lays out wasn’t just going for some exercise. There’s a fight in the stands, craziness all around, fans trying to tackle the players. If you are dumb enough to go down on the court for some unknown (presumably negative) purpose, I could really care less what happens to you. I think O’Neal only deserved a 15-game suspension.

Ok, on to the games. Let me just say, that the George Costanza theory wasn’t great. No more games, no more BS, it’s time to seriously pick games again.

Manwich Matchup of the Week-
Jacksonville @ Minnesota-
2 teams, right in the thick of the playoff race. Moss may play this week. I’m still sticking w/ my Vikings.
Pick: Minnesota
Upset of the Week-
NY Jets @ Arizona-
The Cards play great at home, have a great defense, and the Jets are using a backup QB. The Jets are the worst 7-3 team in the NFL.
Pick: Arizona

Indy @ Detroit-
What are the odds of some object hitting Edgerrin James, and him storming the stands, beating up fans, and then Peyton Manning drop kicking fans left & right? I mean, if these 2 cities’ NBA teams can fight, why not the NFL teams?
Pick: Indy

Chicago @ Dallas-Craig Krenzel vs. Drew Henson. Buckeyes vs. Wolverines! Go Bucks!
Pick: Chicago

Tampa @ Carolina-
The Panthers have started to get hot, but really, I’ve been a big Griese fan for a long time as everyone knows.
Pick: Tampa Bay

Cleve @ Cinci-
Did they really need to have a press release to tell us that Butch could get fired at the end of the season? I already assumed that.
Pick: Cinci

Tennessee @ Houston-
Houston has become quite the sinking ship. But you know what? I’m still sticking by them.
Pick: Houston

San Diego @ KC-
The Amazing Bill Simmons said at the beginning of the season, “What’s the difference between SD & KC? They both have a stud RB, and neither team has a defense.” These were prophetic words, as SD is the playoff team this year, and KC is just terrible.
Pick: SD

Baltimore @ New England-
No Jamal Lewis? Sounds good to me.
Pick: New England

Philly @ NY Giants-
TO is the best. Every week, it’s something different. Personally, when you rank his TD dances, I really do like the pom-pom one best. How does he come up w/ this stuff?
Pick: Philly

Wash @ Pitt-
Rookie Redhawk Roethlisberger.
Pick: Pittsburgh

New Orleans @ Atlanta-
Vick is unreal. Another 100-yard rushing day last week.
Pick: Atlanta

Miami @ San Fran-
At the beginning of the season, I named Wannstedt & Erickson as shoe-ins for getting fired. It’s only a matter of time Erickson. (Sorry, it’s one of the few things I was right about this year, I’ve got to build my confidence anyway I can.)
Pick: Miami

Buffalo @ Seattle-
Let's evaluate this based on their respective NBA teams. Seattle, is red-hot, shooting 3s all over the place. Buffalo used to have a team. They weren't very good. That's what my dad tells me.
Pick: Seattle

Oakland @ Denver-
Unbelievably, IF I would have started Kerry Collins at QB last week, I would have won. Who’d have thunk it? My 3-8 team is pretty deep I thought.
Pick: Denver

St Louis @ Green Bay-
Do you ever get the feeling that Martz is the absent-minded professor? Capable of sweeping Seattle, yet losing to Buffalo AND Miami?
Pick: Green Bay

Last Week: 8-8 (3-0 on my own, 5-8 w/ the George Costanza Theory)Season: 89-71Manwich Matchup: 4-7 (I picked the Bears over the Colts, thanks George.)Upset Special: 6-5 (In anti-upset, I picked Green Bay over Houston. Thanks George.)

Raising the Discourse

Well with the Republican victory, morality and justice immediately broke out all over the world. And by world I mean a six foot radius near a small town in Vermont. I would love to talk about sports this week and only sports. However the headlines and fines and fights preclude such a thing.

1. Maybe you've heard about a small fight breaking out at an NBA game in Detroit. (if such event was to happen lets be honest detroit in combination with Ron Artest was bound to do it). Ron Artest charged into the stands to combat a cup thrower. Other Pacers raced into the stands to save Artest and for a pound of flesh. Fans raced onto the court (Jermaine O'Neil knocked one of the fools out for such a stunt). Yes there's been a lot of hand ringing over this as well as there should be. But this has not been an isolated incident. In recent years there has been a growing trend of violence between fans and athletes (KC manager attacked in Chicago, Texas throwing chairs into the stands,etc, etc). But the NBA will not move its seats back (lose revenue, heavens to betsy no). The NBA will not restrict beer sales while it gets large endorsements. So the hammer was dropped on the players. David Stern playing the PR game showed the world that out of control athletes would be reigned in. Its not important if they are relative to fans (and in no way do I condone athletes attacking fans. violence is the last resort of the incompetent) but in a world where money talks, who do you think was going to get the brunt of the punishment well-paid athletes or the source of the league's money.

2. Well on the subject of hypocrisy the recent Monday Football's advertisement of Desperate Housewives foots the bill. Once again the usual suspect (Terrel Owens) was involved in the not as typical flash point. Terrel was involved in a scene where (gasp) you could see a woman's naked back. What will the children think? Sure they are exposed to brutal hits and sickening injuries. Sure they are flooded with advertisements for erectile disfunction drugs. But a naked back, well thats just over the line. Did ABC know it was coming? I don't know. In a climate where stations are now censoring "Saving Private Ryan" on Veterans day nobody knows whats in the bounds of "appropriate". But did ABC really think that the US has advanced enough that a naked white girl can jump into the arms of strong black man? It was a week before the event that Bob Jones University wrote Wubya a letter telling him to save this country from "paganism". I know Mike Holmgren worships Pan the Goat god and I've been known to leave libations to various stone idols but I don't think paganism is breaking out across the country. Apparently peace and tolerance aren't either.

3. Well thats a lot on the serious side, what have we learned about sports this week. The NFL is a two-tier league: contenders and the rest. New England, Pittsburgh, Indianopolis and Philadelphia are in a completely different class then any other team. These teams win and they will win in the playoffs. Everyone else, each week is a crap shoot. Somedays they show up and somedays they don't. Yes the Chargers, Broncos, Jets and the Falcons have great records. Yes they could even pull an upset in the playoffs. But is anyone convinced that Drew Brees will beat New Englands D when Oakland took them to the limit? Does anyone really think the Jets can contain half-Manning half-Amazing?

4. Seattle Supersonics are the Gonzaga of the league. They are dropping 3s and jump shots like browns receivers drop passes. Thats why they are winning. Can they keep hitting 60% of their 3s all season, probably not. Would I want to play them while they are hot, no.

5. Parting thoughts: Turkey, Stuffing and football are important parts of Thanksgiving. No thanksgiving is complete without these 3 things. Hats off to Orlando for their good start. They were a dark horse for a lot of writers but nobody thought Grant Hill would ever score over 30 points ever again. Can it continue is the million dollar question. OSU-Michigan was what rivalries are all about. No matter the record, the weather or the location; Its a tough game full of heros and goats. No exception this week. Bowl game I am looking foward to : Utah and whoever they play. Smaller tier schools gateway to the BCS has officially been opened (and if they win the door is wide open).

Week 11- It Worked For George Costanza

Well, I’ve reached a new level of futility. In Week 8, I had my first every sub-.500 week. In Week 9, I completed a back-to-back “6-8” week, and had T-shirts & hats made up for all the fans. Last week, I was intent on picking enough upsets to buck the trend. For one fleeting moment last Sunday (Week 10)- I checked the scores and was in danger of missing EVERY game on Sunday. Atlanta sealed the deal, Baltimore won in OT, and I managed to get 2 games right. Then I missed all the 4PM games, and I ended with a whopping 4 games right out of 14.

I need a new theory to break the funk. So, in honor of George Costanza, I will pick the opposite of whatever I truly think this week. Yes, for every game.

Manwich Matchup of the Week-
Indy @ Chicago-
Does anyone else see startling comparisons between this Krenzel-led Bears team and the Buckeyes? Both really had no offense, both relied on defense & special teams to make plays and points, and Krenzel never really does anything well, but keeps on winning.
You know what though, no matter how good the Bears defense is, I can't see them scoring enough to stay w/ Indy.
Pick: Chicago

Upset of the Week-
Green Bay @ Houston-
I still don't trust GB. Seriously, their defense sucks, there's no way they can beat any of the AFC teams they are going to play. In addition, you would think Houston would start winning again, now that D.Davis is healthy again.
Pick: Green Bay

Arizona @ Carolina-
Do you realize the Cardinals are just 1 game under .500? And they almost beat the Falcons back in the beginning of the season. Coach Denny Green is the man.
Pick: Carolina

Dallas @ Baltimore-
What in the world happened to the Dallas D from last year? Where did it go? My conspiracy theory is that some of the players got sucked into the computer, in order to compete to the death, just like in the movie Tron.
Pick: Dallas

Denver @ New Orleans-
Well, New Orleans got another improbable victory, which means this week they are due for a loss. They are the most unpredictable team, going against the most unpredictable QB in Jake Plummer. It's either 4 TDs, 0 INTs, or 0 TDs, 4 INTs.
Pick: New Orleans

Detroit @ Minnesota-
Minnesota really is going to make their move. I swear. With 4 Fantasy RBs, they should be fine. Detroit can't even run the ball or score any points on offense anymore.
Pick: Detroit

NY Jets @ Cleveland-
So, the Browns upset pick failed last week. This week seems easier, facing a fading team, w/ a backup QB, and the Browns have been great at home. It's a good thing the George Costanza theory is working, because it seems too good to be true.
Pick: NY Jets

Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati-
I can't think of one reason for Cinci to win this game.
Pick: Cincinnati

San Fran @ Tampa Bay-
Tampa Bay is 3-6, which looks pretty good in the NFC. San Fran is 1-8, which doesn't look good anywhere.
Pick: San Fran

St. Louis @ Buffalo-
Now that the Rams have swept Seattle, they just have to win the games they are supposed to, and the division is theirs.
Pick: Buffalo

Tennessee @ Jacksonville-
Jacksonville almost lost last week w/o giving up an offensive touchdown. I totally jinxed Garradio into performing well last week.
Pick: Tennessee

Miami @ Seattle-
The first game w/o the moustache. I think I've been claiming that Seattle will be "enraged" about 4 times this season, and yet nothing happens. This time, I swear they're mad.
Pick: Miami

New England @ Kansas City-
Is KC's spirit broken yet? Man, they sure are star-crossed.
Pick: KC

STAYING THE COURSE- NO GEORGE THEORY HERE DOWN
San Diego @ Oakland-
Ok, this is one of 3 games I refuse to apply the "George Costanza" theory for. I'm sorry, the Chargers look fantastic.
Pick: San Diego

Atlanta @ NY Giants-
Eli Manning's first game. Won't be too pretty against that ferocious front 7 of the Falcons.
Pick: Atlanta

Washington @ Philly-
TO finds his way into trouble every week. Personally though, I think it was cool that a naked chick jumped into his arms as a promotion. Seriously, who's going to turn that down? Next time, ABC should make her wear a flesh-colored bikini, proving there really is no difference.
Pick: Philly

Last Week: 4-10
Season: 81-63
Manwich Matchup: 4-6 (Seattle failed me again.)
Upset Special: 5-5 (I lost on the Browns. That was pretty foolish.)

An ode to Clint

So I was out with the people and one of my adoring fans wanted a change from the usual poker routine (thanks Seth..keep reaching for that rainbow). Never say that I am not a man of the people. So this week's theme is to the greatest western hero of all time: Clint Eastwood.

The Good:
Two words: Peyton frickin Manning. This guy is in zone. This week he threw for 5 touchdowns (this is the third time he did it this THIS SEASON). At this pace he will set the all time touchdown mark in a season surpassing Dan Marino. Heck at this rate he's going to pass Kareem Abdul-Jabbars mark of most points by a person in any sport. Peyton Manning is not only going to win the NFL MVP but also the Heisman Trophy (yes he's that good.)

The Bad
Have you ever had deja vu? Minnesota last year sprinted out of the gates with a 6-0 record before crashing into the ground and not making the playoffs. This year they galloped to a 5-1 record. After their searing loss to Green Bay they are back in second place and once again at risk of not making the playoffs. I'm not sure whats in the water up north (see Timberwolves for confirmation) but it causes an awful lot of choking. Have you ever had deja vu?

The Ugly
Speaking of the past, it feels like just last year that the Carolina Panthers were in the Super Bowl. That they came within a heartbeat of winning the Super Bowl. This week they struggled to barely beat the worst team in the league (read San Fran). Yes I know their top receiver and running back are out. But how does a team topple so fast?

The Crazy
I could have gone with Ron "I need time off to promote my rap album" Artest. But instead I'll settle on Maurice Clarrett. Let us assume for a second his charges that football players get special treatment in college (I know its a stretch). But you really think bad mouthing your former team is winning you brownie points with the good old boys of the NFL? I can just hear Clarrett losing money every time he opens his mouth. Whoever does that kids publicity better get a restraining order so that Maurice has to stay at least 50 feet from a microphone.

The Random
Dallas Mavericks are playing well. Guess they made the right choice on Nash. Its a long season (especially in the division of death) but I have a feeling Dallas is making the playoffs. Last week I said the Cavs needed to improve rebounding and sure enough Drew Gooden has been rattling off double doubles. If I say I need a new car, I wonder if next week magically I'll get one. I'm firmly going to state if anyone can go undefeated in the SEC they deserve to go the championship game. Possible bowl match-up that I think will be interesting: California v. Michigan in the Rose Bowl. I think we'll see how good the Pac-10 is. Happy trails to Omar...

Week 10- The Reign of the Moustache Ends

First off, yes, I posted another sub-500 week. I'm on a roll. The funniest thing was before the Sunday night game, I only had 4 games right out of 12. And that included my silly pick of Arizona over Miami. Wow. I stink.

Secondly, it's time to reflect on the end of the Moustache era in Miami. Yes, Dave Wannstedt "resigned." A sad day for Miami. They may get a head coach who can actually lead them out of the mess if given a good team like the one Wannstedt had. My only question is- who decided to hit the panic button and deal their top DE for an average WR named Marty Booker in August???

Alas, on to the games.

Manwich Matchup of the Week-
Seattle @ St. Louis-
I'm very curious as to how Seattle will react after blowing that 24 point lead last time with about 3 minutes to play.
I'm going with the revenge factor, and picking Seattle.
Pick: Seattle

Upset of the Week-
Pittsburgh @ Cleveland-
Yes, I've decided to just go crazy, and pick my own team. For some reason, the Browns play very inspired at home. This can be a let-down game right? And we have the revenge factor going after the Browns were trampled about 5 weeks ago.
Pick: Cleveland.

Tampa Bay @ Atlanta-
Brian Griese is playing much better than Vick. I just refuse to believe that. Now let me play more video games.
Pick: Atlanta

Houston @ Indy-
You know what? At this point, I mine as well just start picking Houston almost every week. I'm on the bandwagon, so why not?
Pick: Houston

Detroit @ Jacksonville-
The Lions are road warriors, and Leftwich is out. Granted, I'm sure some guy named Garrardio will come in and make me worried about this.
Pick: Detroit

KC @ New Orleans-
Yes, I think I've only picked one KC game right all year. I have no clue. And I have no clue about the Saints. I guess this is a week for KC to be desperate again. I mean, they are 3-5 now.
Pick: KC

Baltimore @ NY Jets-
And the Jets get exposed again.
Pick: Baltimore

Chicago @ Tennessee-
I wish I had something nice to say about these teams...
Craig Krenzel keeps winning in ugly ways?
Pick: Tennesee

Cincinnati @ Washington-
The Bengals are like the Browns- terrible on the road, great at home.
Pick: Washington

NY Giants @ Arizona-
I found out last week that Boomer Esiason threw for 527 yards when he was on the Cardinals- and Jim Fassel was on the coaching staff!
This random fact brought to you by the letter Q.
Pick: NY Giants

Minnesota @ Green Bay-
I don't care if Moss is there or not, as a matter of respect, the Vikings will get the job done. In fact, GB sucks at home this year. Maybe that's just because they suck in general, no matter though.
Pick: Minnesota

Carolina @ SF-
Oh boy. Battle of the 1-win teams. Get out the coin. The winner is...
Pick: SF

Buffalo @ NE-
IF McGahee does well, and Bledsoe puts on his dancing shoes then... NO way.
Pick: NE

Philly @ Dallas-
I can't stand sportswriters and their hype. Last year, the Tuna was the greatest coach of all time. This year, they say he's lost his touch and doesn't understand today's player.
But wait? He has a 44-year old QB! He and Tuna are pretty close in age? Right?
Pick: Philly

Last Week: 6-8
Season: 77-53
Manwich Matchup: 4-5 (The Colts got me a win for once.)
Upset Special: 5-4 (I lost on the Texans. Whenever I pick a team back-to-back weeks it just doesn't work.)

Darkness Warshed over the Dude (and 5th Street)

For those of you who have seen the Big Lebowski there is a scene where the Dude is drugged and passes out. Darkness descends and when the Dude awakens you realize something bad had happened. This week that happened to my team. Yes, they were close but you could just feel impeding doom around the corner and when I awoke reality matched that pit in my stomach. Also the Browns lost. Is there any team that is so adapt at snatching defeat from the jaws of victory?

2. While on the down side, let us revist one of my Super Bowl picks, the Eagles. They were physically beaten up last week by the Steelers. I think by the end McNabb could be seen waving a white flag. This is not to say that the Eagles are doomed and won't make the playoffs or anything of that nature. But if they can not improve their run defense, they will not be the Champs.

3. Speaking of not being the Champs, I had high hopes for the Cavs this year. Not championship hopes but I thought the Cavs had an outside shot of being a top 3-4 team in the East. Yes, I know Paul Silas teams notoriously start off slow and yes they played 3 playoff teams so far. However I have noticed that they have been outmuscled and out-hustled on the boards. Their interior defense is terrible. If the Cavs can't find someone who knows how to box out (and please don't bring up Tractor Traylor) it could be a very disappointing season.

4. One of the more interesting experiments this year is: The Kobe Bryant experiment. Basically Kobe had removed the most dominating physical force in basketball (Shaq) and the best coaching mind of our era (Phil). Why? To test out a theory. Is Kobe good enough to lead a mediocore team to the promised land. Well Tracey McGrady experiment out in Orlando didn't work so well. So we'll see about this one. I'm willing to bet though that Dwayne Wade might be a tad happier about this experiment.

5. Random Thoughts:
-Dennis Green..miracle worker.
-Carolina Panthers...this year's New Orleans Saints (lots of talent but can't put it together)
-Craig Krenzel...Honorary Oakland Raider (just win baby)
-Miami Hurricanes....back to back losses to Clemson and UNC. Go figure
- Strange but True ....yes San Diego Super-Chargers are leading the league in scoring
- Who I like in Monday Night Football... Its not Al Michaels!

Week 9 - The Dark Dungeon of Sub-500 Predictions

Yes, the rumors are true. I went 6-8 last week. It's hard to do much worse. I'll try this week to top it somehow. I will refrain from political speak, though I will say it's been a long couple of days.

Manwich Matchup of the Week-
Minnesota @ Indy-
Wow! Now this will be a dazzling display full of fantasy performers determining everyone's fate. Not sure if Moss will be available. I think at this point, I'm going with the more desperate team. Either team could win this game though, but Indy will try real hard not to lose 3 straight. Right Peyton? Peyton???
Pick: Indy

Upset of the Week-
Houston @ Denver-
The Texans were about the only thing I picked right last week. Apparently, Denver's secondary is just terrible. Now, the Bengals and the Falcons have shredded them. I think Carr & Co. should be up to the challenge, and then I won't be able to go w/ the Texans as an upset pick any more.
Pick: Houston

NY Jets @ Buffalo-
The Jets are an absolutely terrible 1-loss team. Honestly, they don't do anything that well except beat up on bad teams.
Pick: Jets

Oakland @ Carolina-
Ughhh... how the mighty have fallen.
Pick: Carolina

Dallas @ Cincinnati-
Please mail in your suggestions on how these 2 teams are supposed to be. I have no idea which weeks they will decide to play.
Pick: Dallas

Washington @ Detroit-
This is a rematch of the 1991 NFC Championship game! Playing the role of Mark Rypien is... Mark Brunell! Playing the role of Barry Sanders is... Kevin Jones! Lion fans are still mad about the one time Barry was a game away... and nothing motivates a team like the fans hatred. Seriously. Word.
Pick: Detroit

Arizona @ Miami-
I have no idea how this shakes out. Both teams have great defenses and terrible offenses. At least the game is in Florida.
Pick: Arizona

Philadelphia @ Pittsburgh-
Yes, this could have also been the Manwich Matchup. Oh well. Redhawk Rookie Roethlisberger continues to dazzle. All I know is that Philly scraped by Cleveland & Baltimore. I flip the coin, and the winner is...
Pick: Pittsburgh

KC @ Tampa Bay-
OK, I got enough hate-mail from the Chief fans already. Yes, I gave up too quickly. Yes, the Broncos defense is just as bad the Chiefs. Ultimately, it won't matter, both teams are fatally flawed.
Pick: KC

Chicago @ NY Giants-
Congratulations to Craig Krenzel for winning a rematch of the Collegiate Championship... embarrassing Ken Dorsey once again. Eventually, Dorsey might get mad at this continual one-upmanship. He may challenge you to a game of Tiddly Winks.
Pick: NY Giants

New Orleans @ San Diego-
And in roll the Saints, Las Vegas' least favorite team since there has been no reason for any of their wins or losses these last 3 years. Let's hope for a shootout. I'm sticking to the Charger bandwagon.
Pick: San Diego

Seattle @ SF-
I know, Ken Dorsey, it hurts. One day, you'll regain your mojo. You may have to go to NFL Europe to find it though.
Pick: Seattle

New England @ St. Louis-
I'm applying a theory that works for any sport- when a dominant team (aka 1996 Bulls, 1999 Broncos, any Duke B-ball team) has a long winning streak snapped, it usually results in a 2 (yes, TWO) game losing streak. I have no idea why, but these are things I remember. Probably should devote more memory cells to people's birthdays and hobbies, but I've chosen my path.
Pick: St. Louis

Cleveland @ Baltimore-
This is a classic revenge game. I don't think the Ravens are going to be too pleased when they think back to the 20-3 spanking they received in week 1.
Pick: Baltimore

Last Week: 6-8
Season: 71-45
Manwich Matchup: 3-5 (So the Chiefs were hungrier than I thought)
Upset Special: 5-3 (Texans took down the high flying Jags. Let's hope they can get another one for me this week.)

5th Street: Monkey's Flipping Coins: Part Deux

You may wonder, its Sunday, why is the 5th street being published tonight? Well the answer is that this author is suffering from p.e.s.d. or as psychologists are begining to call it pre-election stress disorder. I can't take it anymore. As such the 5th street is undergoing a mandatory (and needed) media blackout for the next 24-36 hrs. This piece is going to short, quick and bam then itll be done.

The Flop
1. Well as my co-author correctly surmized: monkey's flinging poo would have a better chance at hitting the correct team then anyone I know. The NFL these days clearly standing for No Fucking Logic. Obviously the Giants after getting beaten like a rented mule by Detroit was going to stomp on Minnesota. Obviously Atlanta which lost by like 50 gagillion (which I believe is 46) last week would suddenly discover an offense and beat Denver. Buffalo which so far this year has amassed negative yardage would crush the rising Cardinals. None of this makes any bit of sense. I think the best thing you can do is grab hold of something and not make any predictions on the NFL. Instead we should try something safer like diffusing a bomb or having a long meaningful relationship with Brittney Spears.

2. The one constancy in the NFL left us this week. The Patroits and their 21 game winning streak got snapped by the Pittsburgh Steelers. Why? Well the obviously culprit is that Corey Dillon was missing. The second is Heinz Field's turf (why do I get the feeling that they just paint the dirt green there). New England also I don't think is team exactly built for the long come back. This team hadn't been behind in a game, since their streak started, by more than 7 points. It showed today when they became a one dimensional catch-up squad.

3. Who is the mid-term MVP? I have to give it to Ben Roethlisberger. Pittsburgh was going nowhere with Maddox (well maybe hanging with the Browns and Bengals in missing playoffs again land). All he does is win. For a rookie quarterback to be so accourate and so calm (even against the vaunted Patroits D) is amazing. The fact that Pittsburgh now controls its own playoff destiny is miraculous.

The Turn
4. I could use this place to say "I told you so" about the Boston Red Sox, but I won't. I don't think it was some genius move. In simple SAT analogy New York's payroll is to Boston's payroll as Boston's payroll is to the rest of the league's. The Red Sox and their supposed curse bought their way to a title. You don't add a Curt Schilling and say it was only team spirit that defeated the ghost of the Bambino. Yes hats off to boy genius Theo Epstein for finding the missing pieces to lead Boston to the promised land but let's be real when your payroll is over 100 million you have that kind of maneuvering space. And if anyone cries about Boston being broken up, remember whoever replaces the current squad - that squad will be filled with all-star players that Boston outbid to get.

5. The River (Random Thoughts)
Packers won on Halloween (superstition is running high) Houston had a big win today over Jacksonville but it may be a pyrrhic victory with the loss of David Carr (and yes I did use an SAT word). I think Steve Spurrior will be back at Florida in no time and I'm sure he'll run up the score against Vanderbilt in attempt to prove that he's a good coach (not that good Steve, I think the NFL proved that one). Miami, FSU and Florida all lost this week for the first time since 1978. I think the big man up top is punishing them for something. I think the NBA's division of death (better known as the Southwest) will be tough. But Dallas might keep its playoff hopes alive with the help of Dampier (aka finally a rebounder) , Marquis Daniels and Jason Terry (Steve Nash's replacement). I think this year's NBA final will be Detroit v. Minnesota (unless Sports Illustrated picks that and then I'll have to come up with something else)

THE 1.21 Gigawatt NBA Preview

NBA Preview

As promised, here is a special NBA preview.

Here's how they stack up, the number next to the team represents their playoff seeding. NOTE: The NBA realigned, each division winner gets a top 3 seed automatically. This means that Indiana could easily be a #4 seed.

Eastern Conference - 5 good teams and a brown bag full of cow dung

Atlantic Division- Someone has to win the division apparently.
3 - New Jersey - this division is terrible. No matter who wins this division, they should likely lose in the first round.
5- Philadelphia - their best move was picking up coach O'Brien, who recently guided Boston to the Conference Finals. Their worst move - picking up Kevin Ollie for his THIRD stint with the team. The moustache returns to Philly! I'm sure they were dancing in the streets.
7- New York- they have Stephon Marbury, which is enough to get trampled in the 1st round of the playoffs in the East. They also added Jamal Crawford from the Bulls, Vin Baker from the '90s, and Lil Penny Hardaway still gets paid $15 million dollars to exercise his knees which have been reconstructed 4 times.
8- Toronto- I may be the only person that likes this team. If Vince Carter remains there, they still have Bosh, Jalen Rose, and they picked up a big rookie Araujo from BYU. NOTE: They would only win 15 games all year if they were in the West, but in the East, they can be the 8th seed.
Boston- Did I read that right? Tom Gugliotta is on their roster? Didn't he retire 6 years ago? I don't believe in Danny Ainge's plan at all right now.

Central Division- Detroit, Indiana, and Cleveland. No one said it'd be easy LeBron.
1- Detroit- Defending champs. And they have Darko, their emotional captain.
4- Indiana - They will have the 2nd best record, but will be stuck with the 4th seed. I love Jermaine O'Neal and their first 7 guys
6- Cleveland- That's right, Cleveland's going to the playoffs! Here's the starting lineup- Gooden, LeBron, Z, Luke Jackson, and McInnis. NOTE: I don't care who starts out of Jackson, McInnis, and E.Snow. They also have D.Wagner in a contract year to knock down 3s off the bench. They also brought back the Tractor Traylor for comedic relief
Milwaukee- I think they have M. Redd and TJ Ford. That's all I even care to know.
Chicago- I liked their draft picks. But seriously- how many times are they going to draft a SG in a PG's body? Crawford (traded to the Knicks), J. Williams (hurt on a motorcycle), and now B.Gordon(Uconn). They also have L.Deng(Duke) and Hinrich(Kansas). Yeah NCAA-all-star-team!

Southeast Division- Shaq and the 4 Munchkins.
2-Miami- Yes, Shaq is on Miami, with Wade and Eddie Jones. You know who will be huge for them? Udonis Haslem. 2nd-year PF from Florida. Shaq's PF always does fairly well.
Orlando- They got rid of T-Mac to get Steve Francis. Not a smart move. They did get Jameer Nelson from St. Joe's though.
Washington- This team is a re-creation of Golden State from 3 years ago. Jamison, Arenas, and Larry Hughes. If they would have brought Early Boykins, I would consider the playoffs.
Atlanta- These guys are terrible.
Charlotte- I don't mean the Hornets, I mean the Bobcats. These guys are worse.


Western Conference - 11 or 12 playoff contenders, of which 5 could win the Eastern Conf.

Northwest Divison- Garnett, Nene, and Boozer.
2- Minnesota-I only pray that Cassell & Spreewell last through the season.
4- Denver- What a team! Carmelo, Nene, Boykins, Andre Miller, Camby. You know what, let's add Kenyon Martin just to be safe! Wow! I love it! They only move one step closer to the 2007-2009 NBA Finals Showdowns between Cleveland and Denver.
8-Utah-Yes, they added Boozer and Memo from Detroit. Coach Sloan is their best asset, and he will get them to the playoffs once again.
Portland- I really don't care. Though it has been reported they have Stoudamire AND Van Exel AND New York high school PG project Telfair.
Seattle- These guys are terrible.

Pacific Division- Do you think Kobe ever sings the song "I think I'm alone now" ?
3- Sacramento- The Kings are always a good bet. Yes, they are getting older, but any team w/ Webber, and a regular season Stojakovic should do well.
6-Phoenix- This is my SURPRISE TEAM. They get 7 foot tall Amare for the whole year (he was injured for about 60 games last year). They added Steve Nash, and Richardson from the Clippers, who can flat-out score.
7-Lakers- How you like it now Kobe? All by yourself, struggling to make the playoffs?
Clippers- Rah rah rah... go Elton Brand.
Golden State- They let Brian Cardinal go to Memphis. These guys responded by saying, "Well, we can spend all of our money on our back up center, named... hey Joe, what's that guy's name? We can spend all of our money on Adonal Foyle." As one of the 24 fans of the NBA, I could not recall who Foyle was.

Southwest Division- All 2004 Playoff teams. Someone has to lose.
1- San Antonio- No one stops Tim Duncan.
5- Houston- They finally realized how much Steve Francis was hurtin the team and they went out and got... Tracy McGrady! And they have Yao! And Shaq left for the other conference! I say playoffs.
Memphis- I can't believe it. I think this team is really good, but I just don't see them getting into the playoffs right now. They would be able to make the 2nd round in the Eastern Conf.
Dallas- This is complicated. They lost PG Nash, are replacing him with Jason Terry (from Arizona & Atlanta), Devin Harris (rookie-Wisconsin) , and Marquis Daniels. I like M. Daniels as their PG. They got Dampier (from Golden State) to be their center, and they added Stackhouse for some '90s flair. I don't see them gelling in time for the playoffs. They would make the 2nd round in the Eastern Conf. Easily.
New Orleans HORNETS- These guys got the shaft. From being a top-5 seed in the East, they get thrown in a division full of playoff teams from last year. Sorry, but this is the ultimate proof of how much the East stinks, as these Hornets will get creamed all year.

So here's how the 1st round playoffs shake out:
1 Det over 8-Tor
4-Ind over 5-Phil
6-Clev over 3-NJ
2-Miami over 7-NY

1-SA over 8-Utah
4-Denver over 5-Houston (one word: NENE)
6-Phoe over 3-Sac (SURPRISE TEAM)
2-Minn over 7-Lakers

2nd round:
4-Ind over 1-Det (That's what we call revenge)
2-Miami over 6-Cleveland

1-SA over 4-Denver
2-Minn over 6-Phoe

The rest:
4-Ind over 2-Miami (O'Neal vs. O'Neal).
1-SA over 2-Minn
1-SA over 4-Ind

All-Goldberg Team
PF- Garnett, Minnesota
SF-James, Cleveland
C- Ming, Houston
SG-Stojacovic, Sacramento
PG-Wade, Miami

Week 8 - Monkeys Flipping Coins

That's right, a monkey flipping a coin could have fared better than my 7-7 week last week. The NFL is a completely unpredictable game, but that's why we watch the games. Let's give some shoutouts to last weeks performers:
Browns- hanging w/ the Eagles. If they would have beaten them, they may have lost out the season due to the hangover from the post-party.
Bengals- I still don't understand why Denver didn't even exert the effort of their pinky fingers. Look at how soft the Bengals secondary is!

Ok, game-time.

Manwich Matchup of the Week-
Indy @ KC-
What a difference a week makes. KC scored 56 points on a top defense (or at least they WERE a top defense) and Indy lost to Jacksonville. This is also a rematch of last year's playoff game, when the Chiefs defense had no idea how to stop the Colts. Plenty of emotion, but I've got to apply the rule that "IF you win by too much, THEN you are doomed in the next couple of weeks." The Chiefs will just get too comfortable, thinking they are back in it. Not yet.
Pick: Indy

Upset of the Week-
Jacksonville @ Houston-
Classic trap game for Jacksonville, perfect scheduling for Houston. Jacksonville just beat the Colts, the kind of victory that is top-billing on ESPN.com. Meanwhile, in the polluted city of Houston, Houston has had the bye week to completely dissect the Jaguars. I think people's heads will spin if Houston can pull this off. We could have an insane 3-way battle in the AFC South!
Pick: Houston

Arizona @ Buffalo-
The only sure thing is that Arizona has a good defense and that they play well at home. Their defense should have a field day on a Buffalo offense that just has no idea how to operate.
Pick: Arizona

Baltimore @ Philly-
Ok, ok, ok. So, Prime-time actually helped the Ravens win a game last week. That was the Bills though, and this is the Eagles. The "Jamal Lewis is missing theory" better pick me up a game this week. In addition, now that the Eagles actually had a close game, they will restart their usual smackdowns on opponents.
Pick: Philly

Cincinnati @ Tennesee-
I only have 1 theory for how the Bengals turned things around last week:
After the Browns thoroughly embarrassed the Bengals and Chad Johnson dropped 18 balls in Week 6, the locker room was just depressed. And then, Rudi Johnson got up, and sang to Chad Johnson, "You Gotta Have Heart... You Gotta have heart...[From "Damn Yankees"]
Then the march to mediocrity continued.
Pick: Cincinnati

Detroit @ Dallas-
The Lions are road warriors. I swear. Also, I sure am glad that Vinny Testaverde has returned to earth. It's probably due to the fact that everyone realized the Cowboys have zero running game.
Pick: Detroit

Green Bay @ Washington-
This may be the most important game on the schedule. If statistics never lie, then get this (as said by Cohen)- If Washington wins, the incumbent (Bush) wins. If Washington loses, the challenger (Kerry) wins. This is historically proven, amazingly.
Ahman Green, please hold on to that ball!
Pick: Kerry

NY Giants @ Minnesota-
This game concerns me, but I'm still going with the Vikings. Do you think the Vikings grow RBs in a petri dish? Whoever starts is a guaranteed fantasy stud.
Pick: Minnesota

Atlanta @ Denver-
Wow. Last week, these 2 division winners were playing losing teams with no heart. And both of these teams failed me by losing. Now, they get to see who can rebound fastest. Unfortunately, the Falcons don't have a passing game to take advantage of the suddenly ineffective Champ Bailey.
Pick: Denver

Carolina @ Seattle-
I seriously couldn't tell you the last time either of these teams met my expectations.
Pick: Seattle

New England @ Pittsburgh-
I met a girl last weekend who showed me a picture on her cell phone of her and Roethlisberger, taken 4 minutes earlier in the same hotel hallway that I was in. Yes, I was just a few minutes away from meeting the Rookie Redhawk Sensation.
Pick: New England

Oakland @ San Diego-
I'm starting to get the feeling that Coach Schottenheimer has abandoned his "conservative" play calling that he used on the '90s Chiefs and he has returned to his '80s Browns playbook. I'm also guessing, he no longer had a copy of it, but was thankful that the 1986 Browns (and their playbook) were available on Madden '05 this year.
Pick: San Diego

San Francisco @ Chicago-
Craig Krenzel finally got some playing time! Let's give him a standing ovation!
Too bad Ken Dorsey isn't playing. We could have had a rematch of the College Championship.
Pick: San Fran

Miami @ NY Jets-
The moustache vs. the gunslinger (Pennington). Gunslinger sounds more dangerous.
Pick: NY Jets

Last Week: 7-7
Season: 65-37
Manwich Matchup: 3-4 (I know, rooting for the Patriots is like rooting for the Yankees)
Upset Special: 4-3 (I told someone that if the Ravens D scored any touchdowns I was in big trouble. I hate you Deion. I hope they promote you to full time CB so Owens can burn you for 4 Touchdowns)

5th Street: Politics and Prime Time

1. What is the most important football game of the year? The answer is of course next week's game Washington v. Green Bay. The simple fact is that the last Redskins game before the election determines the who will be the next president. Everytime (and I mean every) Washington has won, the incumbent has won. Every time Washington has lost, the challenger has won. The most famous instance was when Harry S. Truman himself returned a punt 67 yards for a touchdown, sealing Washington's victory over Dewey. This year (as in the regular election) the Supreme Court will be affecting the outcome. Antoine "Slingin" Scalia will be running the option play with Clarence Thomas while Green Bay's secondary will get a boost from Ruth "Iron Maiden" Ginsburg.

2. How are the Packers looking? Well they (along with Kansas City) starred this past weekend in Night of the Living Dead. You know the movie where the dead come back to life to terrorize the living. Yep two teams that looked like they were heading to the big Adios whooped up on their opponents. If Kansas City can score 8 rushing touchdowns (as they did against Atlanta) every game theyll be in good shape. If Green Bay can stop Slingin Scalia next week, they might make the playoffs yet.

3. I confess I suffer from philosophy (literally greek for love of wisdom). Over at ESPN they suffer from philodeon (greek for love of Deon Sanders). Deon's back and yes espn showed like 15 clips of him returning his INT for touchdown. Yes I know Deon's ego is so massive it has its own gravity and yes I know Deon (even at his peak) couldn't tackle an 85 year old woman propped up by her walker. But Deon with his touchdown moved into 2nd on the all-time INT for TD list so in honor of that say it with me "PRIME TIME, PRIME TIME"

4. Also in honor of Deon I will type the next segment Deon style (i.e wearing a purple suit and an over-sized fedora) Also I will only speak in 3rd person. What did Michael predict for MLB? Oh yes Boston over St.Louis. Was Michael worried when Boston was down 3-0. Michael was not. Was Michael worried when St.Louis was down 3-2 . Michael was not. That is because Michael is always right. Michael will guarentee Boston's World Series win. And you can print that

The River (Random Facts)
Self-Promotion of the Week: Oh Jacksonville wins another close game. Haven't I been saying this all season? Its about time the national gurus started paying attention to the HMS Leftwich. This QB and team are playoff bound I tell you.

Suprise of the Week: Arizona over Seattle. I was debating if this should be the choke of the week but I'll give Dennis Green the nod.

NBA prediction of the Week: Al Jefferson (Celtics) or Dwight Howard (Magic) will be rookie of the year. Tim Duncan will be the MVP.

Boring Game of the Week: Penn State losing 6-4. This is supposed to be football not tennis.

Deja Vu of the Week: A mobile quarterback marching his team against the Browns in OT to set up the winning field. I think I've seen this movie before. If history is any guide, McNabb, like Elway, will be crushed in his first Super Bowl appearance.

Question of the Week: Would you rather have Sean Salisbury, Joe Theisman or an Oompa Loompa announcing a game? I would prefer an Oompa Loompa because then you'd at least get a song.

Week 7 - Blockbuster NFL trades!

Most NFL seasons go by without any trades at the deadline. This season was certainly an exception! 3 trades went down that actually affected fantasy football. The over-the-hill Jerry Rice went to Seattle for a conditional 7th-round pick. That's right, if Rice doesn't play well, then Seattle just gets him for free! I guess the rest of the league has an IQ above 60 and figured out Rice just isn't that good anymore.
The holdout WR McCardell got traded to the Chargers in a blockbuster- multiple pick deal. Good job Chargers on loading up for a stretch playoff run!
Finally, the Browns traded WR Quincy Morgan for Dallas WR Antonio Bryant. This is a classic, "we're disappointed with our guy, so let's swap dance partners and hope things turn out better."
Notice that all the trades were intra-conference, because that's the only way to make sure that your plays don't get used against yourself.

Enough banter, it's game-time.

Manwich Matchup of the Week-
NY Jets @ New England-
2 undefeated teams battling it out certainly qualifies under the "Manwich" category. The sad fact is, the Jets haven't been the most consistent team, barely scraping by against Buffalo and San Francisco. The Jets defense is suspect, and they better pray that playmaker Santana Moss is 100% this week to give them a chance.
NOTE: I really thought the Pats would lose last week, they were even on the cover of SI and it said "19-0." SI Cover Jinx where are you?
Pick: New England

Upset of the Week-
Buffalo @ Baltimore-
I think that the Bills have a good defense, and we all know that the Ravens offense is almost as anemic as a Zwick-led Buckeye offense. And Jamal Lewis isn't playing! I think the Bills could have what you call a "winning streak."
Pick: Buffalo

San Diego @ Carolina-
San Diego, Super-Chargers. They did play well last week against the Falcons, and I think I'm going to hop on the bandwagon. I'm not going to say playoffs, but these guys could finish right around .500
Pick- San Diego

Philadelphia @ Cleveland-
The Browns are undefeated at home, winless on the road. That analysis isn't going to help me... On a juicier note, a mad, deranged T.O. is facing off against mutant-looking Jeff Garcia. T.O. called Garcia gay during the summer. I don't think T.O. noticed that Garcia has been making out in public w/ that Playboy Playmate of the year. Details.
Pick: Philadelphia

Jacksonville @ Indy-
Do you think that during the bye week, Indy has a Madden tournament to see who can put up the most touchdowns with their video game versions of themselves?
Pick: Indy

Atlanta @ KC-
This is an interesting game. Ultimately though, this is a prime opportunity for Vick to get 100 yards rushing and add to his highlight show.
Pick: Atlanta

St. Louis @ Miami-
Even Brian Griese is good once he leaves the Dolphins! Take that Coach Wannstedt!
Pick: St. Louis

Tennessee @ Minnesota-
If you thought the Titans D-line looked bad in previous weeks, just wait until this matchup.
Pick: Minnesota

Detroit @ NY Giants-
Don't even get me started on the Lions stinking up the joint last week. I really want to pick the Lions, but until Kevin Jones gets healthy enough to be the feature back, it's going to be tough. AND Kurt Warner's sabbatical to the "Fortress of Solitude" during the bye week has strengthened his super powers.
Pick: NY Giants

Chicago @ Tampa Bay-
Dr. Quinn, Medicine Man versus Brian Griese. For fans who stick around after the game, the Senior NFL Flag Football League is showcasing Jim Harbaugh vs. Steve DeBerg.
Pick: Tampa Bay

Seattle @ Arizona-
Hasselbeck did shred the Pats for 350 yards last week. This time, Seattle needs to score touchdowns, not field goals.
Pick: Seattle

Dallas @ Green Bay-
This game is impossible to predict. 2 underachieving teams. It pains me to say it, but I guess I'll go w/ GB just because they have a running game.
Pick: Green Bay

New Orleans @ Oakland-
It would only be fitting if Kerry Collins hits 3 different receivers for TDs this week, now that Rice is gone.
Pick: New Orleans

Denver @ Cincinnati-
Cincinnati's first home Monday night game in almost 15 years. Too bad the pre-game will be more exciting than the actual game.
Pick: Denver

Last Week: 11-3
Season: 58-30
Manwich Matchup: 2-3 (if the Seahawks would have scored TDs, not FGs, it would have happened)
Upset Special: 4-2 (Houston Texans came through in the clutch, I sent D.Carr a fruit basket)

By the way- Cohen pointed out last week that Joe Theisman was at 61%. Well, I think I certainly stepped up to the plate last week (11-3). Let's just hope I can continue, because there's nothing more embarrassing than losing to Joe Theisman in picking NFL games (well, maybe Theisman beating me in Battleship or Connect-4).

5th Street Says Streaking is In

1. Well I have to write fast because there is a boston -new york game going but first a quick history note. The Puritans of the 17th century were a breed of people so conservative and uptight that even the British kicked them up (thats pretty bad). But a strange transformation happened to those Puritans when they hit plymouth rock. A new found respect for freedom, liberty but most especially streaking. Those pilgrims would run around naked all day (well sometimes they wear those funny hats). A little known fact was that the first Thanksgiving actually had a wet t-shirt contest. That spirit of streaking is still with New Englanders today. The Patroits have 18 in a row, no New England Democrat has won the White House in 44 years and the Red Sox haven't won a world series since money was invented (1918 to be exact). Which streak will be broken first? No idea

2. J-E-T-S. Yes thats the right , the other new york team is one of three teams currently undefeated in the NFL. Chad Pennington is completing a 110% of his passes (of course my math is a little shakey). Curtis Martin has found the fountain of youth and is running by, around and over players that were in diapers when he first began his career. On the other hand the Jets have beaten a who's who of crappy teams (Cinci, Buffalo, San Fran, etc.) But is anyone not fired up for their meeting with the Patroits next week?

3. Basketball, already? Yep midnight madness has come and gone and the ever exciting NBA exhibition season is upon us. The West is filled with more playoff caliber teams than Barry Bond's cupboard is with 'roids (just kidding barry don't sue me). The East on the other hand has 3 maybe four teams locked in (Detroit, Indiana, Miami and the Washington Generals... yeah the East is that bad). After that its a free for all for the bottom spots.

The Turn
4. What has happened to the Tennessee Titans? Once the bastion of that penciled in playoff pick. Well two things happened actually 1) Tyrone Calico got hurt which means the Titans are sans receivers outside of Derrick Mason and 2) The defensive line got decimated in the off-season and it just hasnt recovered. Teams are running the Titans D ragged and catch-up means McNair becomes a human pinata.

The River (Random Thoughts)
Watching a Browns Game is much like drinking an entire bottle of Tequilla. At first it might seem like a good idea but as time gets on you get more and more sick and by the end your not sure what your looking at. Don't look now but the Jaguars keep winning the close games (this year's Carolina?) Big Ben, formerly of Miami, keeps getting better and better. Sure its only been 4 games but guess what his record is. Now compare to Carson Palmers record. 'nuff said. Daunte Caulpepper is the League's MVP right now (3 games of 5 touchdowns) but Randy Moss and his hamstring better get healthy if they are to stop the Eagles juggernaught.