Cheers and Jeers: Raging Bull Edition

Ingredients:

• 2 1/2 cl Kahlua
• 2 1/2 cl Sambuca
• 1 cl Tequila

Well its 7:30 and here I am sitting away watching some undergraduates take a final. Let me repeat that 7:30 AM. Yes, it’s a real time. I was shocked too. I assumed the only people legally allowed to do anything at this time were those praying to the bathroom floor to expunge the evil they had drunk the night before and those addicted to McDonald's Hashbrowns. Well apparently that’s not the case. This fills me with apathy rage. Massive rage. Usually I can cheer and jeer but today I feel like a tirade. It's probably too early to drink. I had my MJ Brand Angry Pebbles fortified with calcium and vendetta. I watched The Hour of Anger with the Hitman, Episode 3: What's wrong with Pakistan (I think it had something to do with the lack of Camille Tea but the episode ended abruptly when the host started biting the camera). As my dad always says "Don't Trust Whitey" "If your going to do something right do it yourself". I mean if I don't have a completely illogical hate filled fear mongering rant, who will? Bill O'Reilly. Nobody. So here's my list of who's on notice. And for those that have problems with these types rants know this: a) the Supreme Court has roundly rejected prior restraint, b) I'm finishing my coffee and c) this affects us all.

The NFL
Fuck them. First, I find that fucking Canada gets better games on tv than the US. Why the fuck do they have regional coverage anyway? It's laughable. I mean showing the Redskins is classified under the Geneva Convention as cruel and degrading. Secondly, if you live in an area that doesn't allow satellite dishes your out of luck for getting the NFL package. Sure Michael Wilbon can watch his dish, while he sits in his mansion, enjoying caviar and chuck Faberge Eggs against a wall but some of us don't have that luxury and therefore can never enjoy an actual good game of football. Then I find out that Columbus isn't a home-market and therefore I won't have access to the Browns-Steelers rivalry game tonight. Yeah I just completely contradicted what I said three seconds earlier about not showing crappy games on tv This is a historic game and I'm sure if Bears fans couldn't watch a beat down of Green Bay they'd throw their heaviest deep dish pizza into their tv. Or if Giants fans couldn't watch the game against the Cowboys I'm sure they'd turn Staten Island into a wasteland. Or more of one. Or if Baltimore fans weren't able watch, eh who am I kidding Baltimore fans don't watch tv. They spend their Sundays stealing presents from blind homeless children.

ESPN
They're awful. Like Jessica Simpson trying to sing awful. I'm driving around and I hear The Mike and Mike Radio Show (which basically proves that the only prerequisite for getting a radio gig is to be able to figure out how to shove berries up your nose) make some ridiculous scurrilous scurvy inducing rant about how Jim Tressel should have voted in the Coaches poll. You know things are bad when Bill Walton is the voice of reason. Then I hear Sportscenter continue with the attack on Saint Tressel (Patron Saint of Sweatervests and Good Stitching). This was of course followed by another radio attack. Why in the world would someone with a conflict of interest like Tressel vote? I mean if a Supreme Court Judge not named Scalia has a conflict of interest, he/she always usually abstains. Why not go after the dumb ass coach that had Boise State as #2? Or Florida at #1? Or discuss how CBS did its best Pravda impression by massaging the SEC's ball all throughout the game? You guys are totally on notice.

An ESPN executive expressing his opinion about recent programming

Clowns
They're a menance. They are a national security threat far bigger than terrorism, global warming, Nazis, alien invasion, sexy alien invasions, sexy alien robot invasions and 50 foot tall Paris Hilton clones combined. Part of their threat comes from their cars. I mean who knows what is exactly inside them? They look tiny but somehow they have huge holding capacity. Those cars are basically bottomless caverns. We'd need trained experts in exploring depths like experienced spelunkers or some sort of orbital satellite system or Britney Spears' OBGYN to figure out what's in there. Who knows what nefarious things clown cars are carrying: it could be explosives or guns or knives or guns made out of knives or Heat Seeking Polar Bear Missiles or worse clowns. These cars need to be stopped for the safety of our nation and for our children's future.

Its a low probability that clown cars carry assault kittens, but do you really want to risk that?

Tony Romo
Fuck him too. This Romentum needs to be stopped. First what has he done? So he has led the team the national media has as big of a hard on for this side of South Bend to being a NFC title contender. He's pulling down like a 9 on the slurp factor which has previously been reserved for Brett Favre and a quarterback that’s actually accomplished something this century (Tom Brady). He is doing Jessica Simpson you say? I'm not impressed. So has John Mayer. Yeah he's got those dreamy eyes and cocky swagger. I won't be fooled. Well he does have nice hair. No. Must resist his charms.

Jessica Alba is the only person I ever want to see in a cowboy outfit.

NASA
You're on notice as well. What the hell is this Moon Base shit I'm hearing about? Bushleague, man. You really think you can pull that shit off? You can't even build an International Space Station which is the equivalent of an orbital Arby's. Sure it would be nice if we had a Moon base. It would also be nice if I had Pony farm and laughed all day after having scissor kicked Dick Vitale in the jugular while Scarlett Johansson played on a trampoline. It ain't fucking happening. Go do something useful, NASA, like stopping our Galaxy from crashing into Andromeda. Or at minimum, replenish our diminishing stock of Tang. I demand Tang.

Picture of the nearly completed International Space Station

Insane Rants

Here are a few other things/people that are also on notice: NBA's new ball (it still sucks), Blue Ribbon Commisions (I know lets spend millions of dollars saying something that is so obvious that unless your from Crawford, Texas you've been living in some bizarre cocoon you already know), White Sox, Red Sox, Clown Sox, Steven A. Smith's socks (why? Because fuck him that's why), air travel, France, Joe Klein, the Tuck Rule (don't think I've forgotten), and my lack of tang (its really annoying me).

How come I can't get no Tang 'round here?