Cheers and Jeers: Year in Review Edition

Rollercoaster Ingredients:

• 2 parts Amaretto
• 3 parts Grapefruit juice

It was a wild year in the sports world. Up was down, black was white, and unpredictable was predictable. It was like reading Alice in Wonderland while on Acid. In a strange way it almost made sense from the right perspective. (note the following things still don't make sense no matter how much drugs are used: Why Around the Horn is still on TV, Why corporate sponsors are scared of NBA players when NFL players commit at least Class D Felony every 4.2 seconds, Why Dick Vitale calling a Duke game is not censored for the gratuitous amount of oral sex given, and How many homicide-suicides those Chevy commercials have caused). Every week for a year there's been lots to cheer and jeer about so here's my season in review list

Cheers

Unexpected Results

If you were a degenerate gambler like me this year then you're probably out of money and currently reading this from inside a coffee shop under the assumed name Homer Thompson. It was a year of unexpected results and underdogs which drained money away from all but the craziest of gamblers. The Saint Louis Cardinals started the post-season with less of a pulse than Dick Cheney. Somehow a catcher that hadn't hit the ball all season finished off the Mets and a shortstop that spends his off-season as horse jockey or lawn gnome led the Cards to winning a World Series in their inaugural season at Bud Light Stadium. It was a year in which a quarterback that throws like a submarine pitcher, single handedly made Mack Brown, a man that lost to his kid in coloring contest, a winner over a team that had two Heismen trophy winners. It was a year in which a perennial choker, Florida, was led by the son of a tennis star to a NCAA basketball championship. It was a year that we discovered that George Mason was a school and apparently a founding father. It was a year that the scion of Schottheimer, The Jaw, and a quarterback whose best attribute was that he could tackle a defender, won a Superbowl. Somewhere along the way I think Griffindor won the NHL. I like surprises and if there's one word to sum up the champions this year it was unexpected.

Blogs
It was also the year of the blog or in our case, online magazines. For those that aren't aware of how the actual hardware lets our online magazine run it’s a series of tubes that are powered by a Ninja hamster named Mr. Zero. Anyway this year Internet websites began to be havens for those tired of autistic monkeys known as ESPN analysts. I mean what kind of insight does Steven A. Smith provide other than if yelling means right than yelling really loud means more right? I suppose Harold Reynolds taught us that no really means no. The best analysts for Christsake are John Clayton, who I am convinced is just a walking penis they dressed up in a shoddy suit with some glasses on, and the Hollywood invented Ron Jaworski. Does anyone believe that Jaws was an NFL QB? Honestly I'm worried that they have a special scooter to get him around the set. How in the world did a man built like a hardboiled egg play the QB position? Your fancy computer graphics and doctored films can not change the underlying problem that it is physically impossible for Jaws to have played a professional sport other than maybe Bass Fishing. Anyway soon after our linkage (and almost certainly as a result of our linkage) the website Kissing Suzy Kolber won the award for best sports blog. KSK finds way to poke fun at Mike "I'm a Huge Douchebag" Lupica, Rex "Rexstacy" Grossman and Bill "Tits McGee" Parcells while using the word "bukkake" on a regular basis. Incidentally Dick Vitale is still patiently waiting for his invitation to the Duke bukkake party. Nonetheless, finally, there are alternatives to the insider coverage and general wankery that is the big boys of sports journalism. In the end it was the importance of the online world that led me for the first time and apparently the Hitman for 17th straight year to being named time men of the year.

Jeers

Terrell Owens
Whether we like it or not it was a year of T.O. There was his release from the Eagles. His parting shots at Donovan McNabb. His signing by Dallas. His suicide attempt. His fight with Bledsoe. His support of the Iraqi Insurgency. His dropped passes. His gay love affair with Tom Brady. His resurgence with Tony Romo. His drooling problem. You only needed to turn on the TV and there was a TO story. The media's inability to ignore him coupled with his ever changing tactics to ensure that media wouldn't ignore him has resulted with him being probably the most famous football player today. I'm hoping next year will have less TO news as anything left for him to do would probably end up in his arrest.

Yinzers Winning
Of all the champions this year though one that rubbed my rhubarb the most (and not in a good way) was the Steeler's victory. Yinzers, or people that root for the Steelers, are creatures that fear the light and must swing pieces of yellow cloth in order to survive outside their underground layers. They can typically be stopped by garlic, silver bullets, and holy water. However this year it wasn't enough and the Yinzers got another Super Bowl. This event should be (and was) jeered for any number of reasons. There was the annoying whiny rally cry of "one for the thumb". For some reason a running back that would show off a shimmie every time he gained 3 yards was given a swan song sweet enough to send a man into insulin shock. There was the fact that it was both a boring and yet controversial Super Bowl. It was an event that took a coach I used to respect for his fire and passion and turned him into a Brett Favre Clone (will he retire or won't he). Where once the Jaw would lift players into the air and pile drive them into the ground if they ran the wrong routes or didn't tackle hard enough, today you see a man that probably sleeps in fields of periwinkles and cries at Bambi. Nothing good came out of their Super Bowl win. The Yinzer capital (a town known as Pittsburgh) which should be dead and buried (much like Mel Gibson's career) was given a brief reprieve. There's no bitterness here Man did it suck watching that

The Women of Cheers and Jeers.

Over the past year many women have blessed my cheering and jeering. They have given me (and you the reader) pictures that are mostly nude but tasteful. They also have given me restraining orders. Ah the dance. Here are my top 5 for the year.

The Student Body (hat tip to withleather.com)

Our nation's greatest resource. Thankfully UCLA every year has their underwear party to celebrate the fact that they don't go to USC. I think the cops cheer them on. I mean what else would LA cops do?

Cheerleaders

According to Maxim, who will undoubtedly demand I take this picture down, Jeanette is the hottest cheerleader in professional football. She also likes short PhD students who are interested in politics. Which means she doesn't dig my ultimate fighting professional bull riding ways.

Ali Larter

This Heroes star has a look of a woman that’s angry in bed. According to sex experts you shouldn't try having sex with Ali unless your armed with a battle axe, shield, chain mail and have a good excuse for where all the bruises came from. Mine is that Ali Larter beat the crap out of me in bed. What's yours?

Miss USA

You don't need to know her name (its Tara Conner). You just need to know that she was almost stripped of her crown for a) consistently getting caught going to bars while underage (she's nearly 21 but not quite), b) using cocaine at said bars and c) making out with Miss Teen USA while drunk/coked out on tabletops at various bars. She needs to be awarded a Nobel Prize in hotness or for making the world a better place. I heard that when she got involved in the lesbian action angels cried.

Our girl: Scarlett Johansson

Her and her perfectly natural body has led to a great deal of cheers. I'm not sure what I'd do without my weekly ritual of hunting down new and wonderful photos of her. Maybe get elected UN Secretary General. Or just look for another hot girl. Still it wouldn't be the same. Thanks Scarlett.