Cheers and Jeers: Cool Kid Edition

Ingredients:

• 1 part Tequila
• 1 part Vodka
• 1 part Sprite

Predictions, predictions, predictions. It is that time of year where every tv personality magically transforms into Nostradamus and begins to make crazy prognostications that even that guy asking for donations on the subway would laugh at. However I'm contractually obligated to do the same thing and my editor (The Sandwich) demands that I take a shot myself at figuring things out for the college football season. Hey by the fact that I can read I'm already doing better than Mark May who relies on auguring pigeon livers to make his predictions….

Mighty Mike declaring victory over ESPN

National Championship Game: USC v. Texas. USC avenging its loss by defeating Texas 74 to 14 in a Ditkaesque beating. Texas of course won't be deserving but they're too highly ranked for the Big 10 to catch them and the SEC and Big East members will beat each other up. Mack Brown and George Bush Jr will both blame taxing raising atheists for the loss

Heisman Trophy: John David Jimmy Jo-Jo Booty. Only once this century has a non-QB won the Heisman. It's pretty much a right of passage that the best quarterback of a championship bound squad is winning it... so step right up Mr. Booty

First Coach to Get Fired –Sylvester Croom Miss St. coach. Oddly enough one of the few black coaches in the entire NCAA is located in the SEC. The pressure to win is too high and his firing will rightly set off a lot of soul searching about minority opportunities in college football.

# 1 Pick – Right now its Brian Brohm however one more injury and I see him falling down a few pegs (not to mention that QBs with the hype tend to fall in the draft). Watch for Dorsey defensive tackle out of LSU to shoot up and possibly take that spot.

Biggest Surprise – Irvin aka Ira Meier will retire as the Gators head coach and open a New York style Deli in Bocca Florida when remembers his promise that he made to his dad many years ago. A promise that involved lean corn beef and a dill pickle.

Biggest Surprise Part II – Major Applewhite, yes the one that always showed up Chris Simms, is the new offensive coordinator for Alabama. He will actually do a good job. Nick Saban will immediately have him executed for taking away his limelight

Best Mascot – Is and will always be the Hilltopper or whatever the Western Kentucky mascot is…..

Oh yeah, he gets all the ladies....

Cheers: Start of College Football Season. It will be MJs only refuge from his heartbreak over Senator Craig's arrest. I know a closet gay in the Republican Party. Shocking…

Jeers: To setbacks. LeCharles Bentley and Gary Baxter, both on the path of amazing comebacks, will not be playing in the opener. Bentley was placed on the PUP list and hopefully will play later this year while Baxter is about to be placed on season ending injured reserve list

Cheers: That ticking sound is the sound of inevitability also known as the countdown till Ozzie Guillen is fired. May you never ever grace sports page, tv, or sunlight again.

Goodbye Mr. Guillen

Jeers: To rankings. Why oh why are there published lists of the best 500 players? Why do people read them?

Here's my list of top reporters most likely to represent scared upper class white people: 1. King, Peter.

And now our C&J girl of the week.....Lucy Pinder. Who I believe thinks Cheers and Jeers has been very very bad...

Update: Publius has requested that Lucy Pinder and her friend Michelle Marsh throw a party and can he be invited. The correct answer is yes....

Travis Henry might top Shawn Kemp

Just because stories like this should be shared.....

(Travis) Henry, 28, has fathered nine children by nine women in at least four Southern states and has been ordered by various judges to provide child support for seven of them, according to court records involving one child living in DeKalb County.
---The Atlanta Journal-Constitution

As a result Henry had to get a loan from the Titans to pay for his child support.

Also Henry pooped in the refrigerator and ate an entire wheel of cheese. I'm not even even mad, just amazed...

NFL Preview Part V: Rocky's Revenge

Before next week's full out predictions I figured a top ten list of questions that I'll be following

10. When does Romeo Crennel get fired
9. When does Eli Manning break into tears on the field? How will MJ celebrate when it happens?
8. Can Mcnabb return to his old form?
7. What will the Steelers be like without the Chin aka Sgt. Slaughter?
6. Can Romo, Sexy Rexy, Cutler, Campbell, Leinart, VY be consistently good?
5. What's the Colts defense going to be like now that they've basically lost everybody?
4. When does Brady Quinn start and can he end my suffering?
3. How much better will New England's offense be now that Brady has wide receivers?
2. Is the third time a charm for Norv Turner?
1. Will Pete King's unrequited love with (fill in the blank of a white quarterback's name) be fulfilled?

Any answers or further questions?

Happy 3rd Anniversary to the “Back Seat Drivers!”

I cannot believe we are about to enter the fourth fiscal year of thedawggs.blogspot.com. Here are some great stats:
Year 1 – 259 posts
Year 2 – 543 posts
Year 3 – 408 posts

While the number of posts was down this year, it was misleading, because our slugging average actually went up considerably during Year 3. What this means is that we actually had a higher readership and higher quality articles during Year 3, despite less posts. Also of note, we had a whopping 1,314 visits in November 2006, according to sitemeter.com, during the heart of the NFL season, the BSC controversies, and the beginning of the NBA season.

Perhaps one of the more exciting developments on BSD this year was the “Mock Draft.” First, there was the Beer Draft (Rounds 1 and 2 and Round 3 and Rounds 4 and 5) and then there was the sensational Wrestling Draft (Rounds 1 and 2 and Rounds 3 and 4 and one possible Survivor Series) The end-product was awesome and hopefully we’ll be able to hold additional “Mock Drafts.”

Some of my other favorite moments/articles of the past year included:
1) Charlie Weis is fat… really fat! And Charlie Weis is Pizza the Hut!
2) The Introduction of the Sandwich
3) The Rage-a-Holic label/terminology, for some of MJ’s (and others) angry posts
4) Hitman’s Rant on cyberathletes and any other mention of a reference to Mario Kart.
5) The discovery of Captain Chaos!

The next year can only be better for the blog, for football, and for mankind!

Yankee Hating: For Once, I Approve

Listen close, people. This is the only time that I’ll actually endorse Yankee-hating.

The USA Today has published a preposterous article, asserting that the Red Sox have surpassed the Yankees as baseball’s version of “America’s Team.” To back up their absurd claim, USA Today is using average road attendance as a gauge.

Here’s the thing: if every single game played between the Yankees and the Red Sox is a sellout (a fact, not an assumption) then the Red Sox have an advantage in that their road games in New York are played in front of 56,000 fans while any road games played by the Yankees in Boston are played in front of only 38,000 fans. Nearly, 20,000 fans per game multiplied by either nine or 10 home games make a tremendous difference. Further, the article cites that the Red Sox’ margin over the Yankees is a scant 1,300 fans. We’re going to crown the Red Sox as more popular than the Yankees based on a 1,300 road fan disparity, especially in light of the 20,000 seat disparity between Yankee Stadium and Fenway Park?

The larger point here is that the Yankees are baseball’s “America’s Team” regardless of how many fans they draw on the road. They are baseball’s most famous and most historically important franchise. When one thinks of historic players, Babe Ruth is first in mind, not Ted Williams. The Yankees have always been likened to US Steel or IBM, a monolithic establishment of corporate values and soulless efficiency. While I personally don’t believe that to be true, the fact remains that inspiring hatred at the rate the Yankees do makes them baseball’s most popular team.

There is no middle ground on the New York Yankees: nearly everyone that follows baseball either likes them or dislikes them. And while the same can be said for Boston at this point, I’m pretty sure that the Yankees inspire more passion on both sides of the issue than the Boston Red Sox do. Seriously, you’re telling me that once Big Papi no longer plays in Boston, that many people will care? Yankee-loving and Yankee-hating has been going on since the 1920’s. Boston’s a Johnny-come-lately to the game based on equal parts fair-weather fandom and the quality and force of Papi’s personality.

After all, the Dallas Cowboys became football’s “America’s Team” in exactly the same way.

Cheers and Jeers: Guide to College GameDay

Typically on Cheers and Jeers we try to single out a single drink for your weekend fun. However today we will be addressing a higher cause: how to properly drink on college game day. So here we go :

8 AM: Wake Up. Yeah its fucking early but its game day. You have a lot of planning to do. Do you have enough alcohol to last the day? Is that ESPN's College GameDay in town? Is there padding near the base of your toilet when your praying there later? Drink of choice: Screwdriver to ensure high dose of vitamin C.

9:30 AM - Head on down to campus for ESPN College GameDay. Its important you have a large sign that specifies how big of a penis Lee Corso is. I would recommend having a flask filled with the brownest of the brown liquors (Bourbon) to keep you company and warm. I would also recommend hitting on opponent's fans' girlfriends for the same reason.

11:00 AM - At this point you should be bored. College GameDay is boring for nearly everyone that isn't riding the dragon (little known fact Lee Corso visits Opium Bars during commercial breaks). This would be a good time to load up on food to make sure you can drink the rest of the day. Eat some sort of egg cheese sandwich.

11:30 - Despite your stomach doing swan dives its time to get back to business. 24 pack of cheap beer is probably what works in this event. Its also probably good idea to head to a safe house as Lee Corso may have driven you into blind rage resulting in thrown tridents. Safe houses include : a friend's place, your office, a parking lot, or a teepee.

12:00 The beer should give you enough courage to begin calling up friends, friend's of friend's, relatives, ex-girlfriends and the Pope and explain why your team will win today. It will also give you the courage to tell that annoying Wisconsin fan who is watching Wisconsin play Appleton Technical College to shut the hell up. As long as you don't mess with his/her cheese you should be fine as Wisconsin fans like alligators will only chase you for about 30 feet.

1:00 PM Game time. Head over to the game. Also switch back to the flask. I would recommend vodka as it looks like water and can be used with most mixers. Keep your eye peeled for that drunk girl that is being propped up by her friends as she explains to a cop why she isn't drunk. She will fail in hilarious fashion.

3:30 PM - If your team wins begin the celebration by setting couches on fires and having spicy buffalo wings. Nothing goes better with arson than buffalo wings. If you team lost take your rage out on your body with tequilla. Nothing goes better with self-hatred than tequilla.

6:00 PM - If you have followed this guide the only thing left in your evening is to pass out. Try passing out in a bed, preferably someone's bed that is occupied by someone who is hot. Also recommended not stealing holy relics which can happen.... bringing a statue of Madonna is a big turn off. Remember you have to repeat the whole process in 7 days so get a good nights sleep.


Cheers: Colonel getting married. Colonel has come along way from his days in Cambodia. Thank goodness for those snake charmers.

Cheers: To Hitman and Gutsy visiting DC in non-consecutive days. Just like Grover Cleveland.

Cheers: To Michael Vick soon going to the jail. Couldn't happen to a nicer guy.

Jeers: To flooding in Ohio. I need those rivers to not flood my cities. I, on behalf of humanity, am willing to offer an unconditional surrender to global warming

And now our Cheers and Jeers gal of the week....Caterina Murino

FTB

When it comes to football, nothing gets me more steamed than when a coach-killing quitter talks shit from the safety of a television studio.

Just as Michael Irvin shouldn’t preach morals, just as Keyshawn Johnson shouldn’t preach selflessness, Tiki Barber shouldn’t be preaching leadership. What kind of leader – one who was the absolutely undisputed best player on his team – rips his own coach after tough losses? What kind of leader trash-talks former teammates? Tiki Barber, that’s who.

The Giants will stink this year because, between injuries, holdouts, and an inept front office, they lack the talent it takes to win football games. But my negativity, hatred, shame, and disgust for my hometown team are gone. No more Giant self-loathing. I am dedicating myself to rooting for this team and I hope the G-Men use Tiki’s words as motivation.

This is my message to the team, its coaches, and Giants fans alike: Let’s turn our backs on Tiki. He’s dead to us now. We never knew him and we’ll never speak of him again. Eli’s our guy and let’s make sure he makes Tiki look like the selfish prick he’s always been.

I’m ending this and all other NFL-related communications during the 2007 season with the acronym “FTB!” Guess what that stands for.

Congrats Colonel Sanders!

Our colleague and my very good friend Colonel Sanders got hitched this past weekend. He’s married into a family of hockey royalty, including the soon-to-be NHL Hall of Famer Mats Sundin*. As I told him, he’s going to be Herb Brooks to their Swedish Olympic dreams.


Congrats to our favorite Vietnam veteran, practitioner of Black Ops, and degenerate gambler.

*Disclaimer: His new bride is a Swede by the name of Sundin but she’s not actually from the hockey-playing family. She is, however, the woman that now has the keys to Colonel’s arsenal of weapons and booze.

Old Man Goodell has a question...

1. When (if ever), will Mike Vick play another game?
2. Will Mike Vick be a top or a bottom?
3. Does the NBA or the NFL look worse right now in the court of public opinion?

NFL Preview IV: NFC Risers, A New Hope

Ah the NFC, where hope springs eternal. No team is out of it. Hey even a team with a quarterback from U of F won the NFC last year which means just about anyone can. I mean New Orleans went from 3 and 13 to a Pete King pick maybe even Kyle Orton can get laid.

So who am I picking to the maybe move up to the ranks of the playoff bound? In decreasing order of probability here are my NFC risers....

1. San Fran - Yes they are a trendy pick between a young rising Alex Smith and Nate Clements solidifying the defense. What is failed to be mentioned is that San Fran faces fewer of last year's playoff teams (5 ) than any other team in the league. Easy schedule and a better team yes I think this is San Fran's year to get a playoff bid. Why they won't - Lack of Norv Turner and experience

2. Carolina - Ah Carolina. Perennially on the bi-annual playoff beat. Last year they
didn't which means by definition they should make it this year. They have depth at nearly every position for when the injury bug hits. I would also note they play the NFC West and the AFC South. Hmm maybe they won't disappoint. Why They Won't - Two words Jake Delhomme

3. Saint Louis - Good offense. Check. Improved Rush Defense Check. Decent schedule. Check. Umm so what am I missing. Why They Won't - Is it just me or does Scott Linehan look like he's perpetually confused by complex things like doorknobs.

4. Detroit - Saint Louis of the North. Jon Kitna can still throw a good ball, they're finally actually loaded at receiver and they have a three headed monster in the backfield of Tatum Bell, Kevin Jones and TJ Duckett. Mad Scientist Mike Martz will put up the yards and points. Why they won't - Matt Millen is still the GM. Plus Mike Martz's plans for world domination might interfere with his offensive play callling.

5. Land o'Cheese - Did anyone realize Green Bay ended last season at 8-8. Yeah I'm not sure how that happened either. Reading into the pre-season is about as helpful as Publius on a Saturday morning after 5 star binger BUT Green Bay has been marching through opponents like Germany going through Poland (wait to early?) Why they won't - Favre is distacted by Peter King's constant love letters and singing telegrams

6.Arizona - Hey if anyone can bring Arizona actually do the playoffs its the Whizanator. Installing Pittsburgh toughness and Pittsburgh blocking. They do have good receivers and Leinart seems to be coming along. Why they won't - The Cardinals remember they're the Cardinals.

7. Washington - Joe Gibbs makes sure everyone knows he believes in NASCAR, Jesus and Jason Campbell. I'm not too sure any of those three can help at football. They have a good running game and possibly a suffocating defense. That could be enough in the unsettled NFC East. Why They Won't - Joe Gibbs without the hogs up front blocking is just another loony religious nut.

8. Minnesota- Minnesota has two key ingredients that should be enough for a playoff team: stopping the run and running the ball. Heck they even have Purple Jesus now. They are playing in the NFC Black and Blue division which should mean an easy road. So the better question is why won't they? Why They Won't Tavaris Jackson I'm not sure could lead USC to a bowl bid let alone the Vikes. This is also the year their coach gets arrested at a gay strip club.

9. Tampa Bay - Hey remember when Jon Gruden was a boy genius. Or Tampa had a dominating defense. Or when Jeff Garcia's girlfriend did a flying kick into another girl in a jealous rage. I'm not sure what that has to do with anything but that was sweet. Why they won't - No offensive line + Jeff Garcia = another busted spleen. Cadillac Williams like his namesake will declare bankruptcy.

10. Atlanta- Maybe the light will finally go on for Harrington. Maybe a college coach will succeed in the NFL coming from a minor program. Maybe suddenly public opinion will shift and dog torture will be legalized freeing Michael Vick. Hey maybe Bush won't make a decision that is the complete opposite of competent. Why They Won't - If the polarity of the Earth's magnetic field is not reversed and these things don't come to pass.

2007 NBA Offseason Champion

I realize we are nowhere even close to the NBA season beginning (actually, its only about 10 weeks away), but rather than bury the most amazing offseason story in my NBA Preview 10 weeks from now, I thought it would be more exciting to just devote one whole article to the MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES, my 2007 NBA Offseason Champion!

Backstory: (cue violin)- The Memphis Grizzlies were one of the most pathetic teams last season who most likely were one of the teams trying to win the Oden-Durant sweepstakes, as they finished with the worst record in the league. They fired Mike Fratello in the middle of the season because, as opposed to playing a boring style and losing all their games, they wanted to play an up-tempo style and still lose all their games. Of course, the Grizzlies failed to land either Oden or Durant and instead got the #4 pick.

Offseason: (cue John Tesh NBA on NBC music)- But suddenly, the Grizzlies had the best offseason in their young, franchise history! First, on May 31, they hired a young, exciting coach (Iavoroni) who has been tutored by one of the biggest innovators of the last few seasons (Phoenix Suns Coach Mike D’Antoni). The weird thing was, the Grizzlies then hired Chris Wallace, who apparently was the GM before Danny Ainge in Boston and made numerous bad moves. As Bill Simmons said, “they just hired Chris Wallace away from the Celtics, which was like former FEMA director Mike Brown getting hired by France's federal relief agency.”
This is where things turned weird though. Instead of continuing to make bad moves, the Grizzlies started doing everything right (at least on paper). First, they got PG Mike Conley in the draft. While rookie PGs don’t always make a big impact the first season, this still was a solid selection. The Grizz then also picked up Darko Milicic for good luck and to have a capable, defensive center. Then the Grizz traded for the best 3-point shooter in Europe (Juan Carlos Navarro) who shot a 41% from 3-point land and an absurd 58% from the field during last season’s Euroleague (FYI - it’s equivalent to European soccer’s Champion’s League for basketball teams, where all the best teams from the best European leagues compete). Also, Navarro goes by the nickname “La Bomba,” which just sounds cool AND to top things off, Navarro has a sweet website with funky music to pump up his fans! Plus, as an added bonus for this season, the Grizz should have a full, healthy season of an All-Star Player (Pau Gasol). So now they suddenly have a starting lineup of:
PG Conley
SG Mike Miller
C Darko
PF Gasol
SF Rudy Gay

They also have a nice bench in: SG La Bomba, PF H. Warrick, PG D. Stoudamire, AND SG T. Kinsey (who single-handedly took my fantasy basketball team to the championship game last season. Look at what this guy did from March 24 to April 18th!)

By adding Darko, Navarro, a healthy season of Gasol, and if Conley can somehow rapidly develop, the Grizz should be going to the playoffs, even in the Western Conference! Maybe I’m too optimistic about this, but this team actually appears to have enough weapons to do damage, EVEN in the Western Conference. Granted, I’m still concerned about the Grizz’s GM’s track record, but maybe a man can learn from his past mistakes, as Bill Belichick once did from the Browns. Either way, congratulations to the Memphis Grizzlies, my 2007 NBA Offseason Champions!

Its almost GameDay.....

Thank you to my favorite college football blog (edsbs) for this reminder.....

Cheers and Jeers: Mint Julep Edition

Ingredients

Bourbon

Mint

Granulated Sugar

Water

Down south, in the land where the Colonel and his chicken is king, the mint julep serves as a Saturday drink before southerners return to their plantations or abandoned mule farms or whatever happens down there. Yes its almost college football time and for once reality and the media might be on the same page. The SEC is king of college football land until somebody, anybody defeats them. Boasting 5 of the top 15 teams in the country the SEC has the hype and the history on its side. That said not the entire SEC is in a position to go to the championship game, so who are the big boys can make the trip to the National Championship Game TM and (possibly use the opportunity to sleep with Nick Saban's daughter)?

1) USC – Any discussion of national championships has to start with USC. The consensus number one team is loaded and ready for a run. Pete Carroll wakes up and finds 5 star recruits on his porch offering all kinds of services to go to his school (recruit me and I'll suck yo….) USC has probably the fastest defense in college football and freshman running back Joe McKnight will have a number of Reggie Bush highlights before he's done with the year. The only question is can a Booty, let alone a Booty with several first names (John David Jimmie Jo-Jo), avoid costly mistakes that led to defeats at the hands of UCLA.

2) LSU – As previously reported LSU hates USC. They despise them for stealing the limelight of their national championship year. They hate the sun they get and their clothes. Les Miles has already tried to burn Pete Carroll's house to the ground. LSU has the best defensive tackle in the land and a new QB who already has 38 starts (which I still can't figure out). They also have Florida at home and a big non-conference game with V-Tech coming to Death Valley. The only thing that might trip them up is the brutal SEC schedule.

3) Florida – Speaking of the tough SEC, Irvin Mier, better known as Mephisticles, has a re-loaded Florida squad looking to defend its championship. Tim Tebow, is following in the footsteps of Rex Grossman, looks to unleash his own dragon on the campus' ladies and possibly on the football field. However back to back championships are tough to do, let alone in the SEC (can I get James Earl Jones to read that line?)

4) Texas – Can the Big 12 send a team to get slaughtered in the national championship game? Yes. I'm not sure how many votes for the various rankings come from the big state of Texas but every year somehow the Big 12 manages to at the last second weasel itself into a better bowl game then they should. I mean look at Texas and Oklahoma. Not sure how they're currently ranked #3 and #8 in the nation. Colt McCoy is allowed to legally shoot opposing players in the state of Texas which is a major advantage. All Texas needs to do is defeat Oklahoma and the SEC beat each other up and they'll be lined up to be destroyed by whoever they face.

5) Wisconsin – I have gone back and forth between Wisconsin and Michigan. Who is the better team? Who has the more favorable schedule? Who will the national media pay attention to? The answer the last question is Michigan. Wisconsin got neglected last year, even though they took it to the SEC runner up Arkansas. They can run the ball and stop the run as well as in any year since Ron Dayne, took off on a tiny scooter for the NFL (how'd that work out by the way?). Michigan is coming to Camp Randall (one of the, if not the, hardest places to play). Plus Wisconsin gets to face OSU when OSU is down which might vault it into a higher ranking. That said the wonderful swillers of fermented beverages have to show the nation that last year's Big 10 massacre was a fluke ….

Cheers: That sound you hear, Mr. Vick, is the sound of inevitability. Two more co-defendants flipped. Threat of racketeering charges. Say hello to the pokey and it couldn't happen to a nicer guy

Cheers: To cornbread. Aint nothing wrong with that

Jeers: To NFL preseason. Just get on with it. You taunt me with your 5 nights a week. Hey it's a football game I think. Then I watch it. It's kind of like cheap Chinese. Sure it looks tasty but after only a few moments you realize you made a big mistake.

Jeers: To NASCAR. Its growing popularity and ESPN's desire to have fewer sports stories told more often means that Sportscenter is getting less and less watchable.

And now our C&J gal of the week Gemma Atinkson…..

Congrats to Bobby Cox

I just wanted to throw out a heartfelt congratulations to Bobby Cox for getting thrown out of a ML leading 132 games. That is alot of times with screaming at the umpires of the games. Bobby Cox has been a great manager and most definately enjoys the game of baseball for being tossed from so many games.

A Holy Cow

“I guess heaven must have needed a shortstop.” – George Steinbrenner

A big part of my childhood ended today with the passing of Phil Rizzuto. My life as a baseball fan began with the nightly ritual of listening to Scooter, the voice of the Yankees for all those years, on WPIX Ch.11. I will definitely miss him.

Shut Your Piehole! A Good Walk Spoiled Edition

After finishing in second place at the PGA Championship yesterday, two strokes behind Tiger, Woody Austin insisted that he was not intimidated by the champ. Then, in discussing Friday's second round:

"I outplayed him on Friday, but he beat me by seven shots. Does that mean he's that much better? I don't get it."

Let me help you out, Woody. Does that mean he's that much better? Yes. He has thirteen majors, you have...who are you, anyway? And how you figure that you outplayed a man who both tied a record for lowest score in a major, who beat you by seven strokes - I don't get that.

Woody Austin, get back on the course, stay away from the mic - and SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE!

NFL Preview Part III: NFC Fallers and the Search for Spock

Ah the NFC, keep your logic at the door, it won't help you in predictng NFC. I don't know whats going to happen. Nobody does. Honestly if Tennessee switched to the NFC and won the conference I wouldn't be surprised. Maybe not as surprised as Lyndsey Lohan being sober or Kevin Costner making a decent movie but still pretty surprised. That said here's my stab in the dark at hitting the bullseye (or what Publius calls Friday night) of who won't make the playoffs who made it last year.

6. New York Giants- Ah MJ's whipping boy. Tiki Barber out, Brandon Jacobs in. Michael Strahan out, question mark in. Last year Eli spent the offseason working on his forehand for squash for the offseason, this year he focused on his backhand. If the Giants make the playoffs MJ will crap a squirrel.

5. Dallas Cowboys - There are a lot of questions of Dallas. Can Wade Phillips take over for the Tuna? Is Tony Romo the QB that rattled off amazing stats, wins and banged Jessica Simpson or is Tony Romo the QB that threw wounded ducks, let a game slip through his fingers and had to settle for banging Bea Arthur. Other factors to consider will they have any healthy receivers (Glenn and TO are hurt currently)

4. Seattle Seahawks - Seahawks are starting to face some competition. San Fran seems to improved, Rams are coming on and Arizona is now led by the Whiz. Alexander is a year older and who knows if Hasselbeck will over be healthy. Mike Holmgren, you might need a lot more mentos for the season.

3. Philadelphia Eagles - The Eagles has just about every problem/every injury that could happen to team that wasn't from Cleveland last year. Heck even Andy Reid I think had irritable bowel syndrome. However one thing was ok for them: Brian Westbrook. The Eagles go as far as Westbrook's legs can carry him. He gets hurt and that season goes down the toilet faster than a night after Taco Bell.

2. New Orleans Saints- Yeah yeah they're everyone's darling to make the Super Bowls. Yes they have an amazing offense. But that defense. And has anyone forgotten where they where before last year? I dunno. They seem to be prized but something is nagging me. After all Peter King picked them and we all know he makes about as many sound decisions as Pacman Jones...

1. Chicago Bears - The Dragon will be unleashed this year. Sexy Rexy and the Bears defense will be back in the playoffs. Why? Well who else is going to win the NFC North? The opium addict from the land of Cheese? A team that has Matt Millen as a GM? Tavaris Jackson? Is Minnesota serious?

Cheers and Jeers: Hot Damn Edition

Ingredients:

• 1/2 oz Whiskey
• 2 oz Orange juice
• 1 oz Rum
• 1 oz Vodka

Well it was a week of records and milestones. Bonds* broke the home-run record. A-Rod set the record for youngest to hit 500 and Tom Glavine finally was able to finish 300 chicken soft tacos in one sitting. They were impressive feats all the way around. However they are obviously not the be all, end all of records. Other records await some young man, woman or cyborg to come along and break. So what are my top 5 records that I'm hoping will be broken….

5. Dan Marino's Passing Yards Record – There is one simple reason for this….it will end Brett Favre's career or so I hope. I'm holding out hope that Favre is really a crazy egomaniac. I know the media refuses to believe it and why would they? Its not like Favre demands attention by continuously flirting with retirement and holding press conferences about his agonizing indecision. Now its possible Favre just is an addict and can't quit the sport but hey I'm holding out hope.

4. Kareem's Career Points – It really is a pretty amazing record. I mean the length of time you have to be in the NBA to achieve those points is pretty remarkable. Not to mention Kareem was a pilot in the off-season and overcame severe food poisoning which had to hurt the point total at some point. Thankfully white trash Karl Malone didn't break it so a next generation gunner (Lebron maybe?) is the hope for unseating Sweet Sweet Lou's perch at the top.

3. Reaching 300 Wins – After Glavine ate his soft tacos he went out and won his 300^th game (baseball players are strange people). Glavine might well be the last 300 game winner ever….EVER. Ever is a long time. However with limited pitch counts, specialized relievers and many teams now being managed by seeing eye dogs it seems that it might not happen. However hopefully with advances in medicine, nanotechnology and cold fusion it COULD happen. It'll be awhile which means the celebration will be huge…assuming our robot overlords allow it.

2. Number of Death Threats Received by Drunken College Students in a Season- Lee Corso set the bar high. Way Way high. His performance in Columbus alone got him well over 500,000 (some of those coming for Kirk Herbstreet's kids when he stole their toys and discussed why the SEC had superior ones). I suppose its possible Corso could out do himself this year but a new name on the leader board? I don't know… seems almost impossible.

1. Hot Dog Eating Record – When Joey Chestnut set the new world's record and forced Kobayashi to have a sudden reversal it was the greatest American achievement since Neil Armstrong hit a hole in one on the moon. Will any person or bear be able to break that record? I don't know but I will be there to see it if it's tried….

Cheers: To the toilets working again in Cleveland Browns' Stadium. A broken pipe sent huge amounts of water and raw sewage into the stadium (as opposed to it typically being contained on the field). However its up and running now and if there's a better sign than not having human waste come out of the toilet I don't want to know what it is.

Jeers- In all the Bonds* coverage by in large there's been little coverage of some fun pennant and playoff races out there. Out West in the Little League there's a nasty dog fight brewing among nearly all the teams. I'm pretty sure everyone is clueless as to whom to put the Colonel's money on….

Cheers: To 3 weeks until college football starts up. First week presents two interesting games: Washington State v. Wisconsin and Georgia Tech v. Charlie Weis' stomach

Cheers: To the return of Rick Ankiel to the majors. Once a rising pitcher, Ricky somehow broke his brain in one of the worse melt downs seen in sports. Somehow he's clawed his way back to the big leads as an outfielder. Here's hoping he'll stick around

Cheers: To Chris Cooley aka Captain Chaos. For so so many reasons....

And now the C&J girl of the week Christy (soon to Mrs. Chris Cooley)….

NFL Sunday Ticket?

Well, BSD... the reporter of all things useless has a question to pose to the group. Here in DC, the Department of Homeland Security has raised the grundle alert status from yellow to red (apply gold bond generously). I am literally cooking.

August MEANS FOOTBALL SEASON is fast approaching. Should I suck it up and pay the $270 bucks for the NFL Sunday ticket or suffer the stigma of Redskins and Cobra Commander regional coverage? I need help!! All comments welcome.

NFL's 2007 Rookie Coaching Class

After last year's smashing success of previewing the rookie coaching class, I thought it would be fun to do it again for this upcoming season...

1) Arizona Cardinals - Ken Whisenhunt
Proposed nickname: Whizzenator
The Whizzenator was the offensiver coordinator for the Steelers. While we always think of the Steelers as a running, smash-mouth team, but the Whizz always had a good balance of creative passing plays and devised ways to allow his receivers to get big-play opportunities. He also has a Civil Engineering degree, meaning he's smarter than the average NFL coach so maybe he will be the man to finally lead the Cards to respectability.

2) Atlanta Falcons - Bobby Petrino
Proposed nickname: 'Trino
'Trino came over from Louisville after turning down a number of different NCAA and NFL opportunities the past few years. Unfortunately for him, it appears that he will not have Vick running the show but instead will get Joey Harrington. I was pleasantly surprised when reading his bio that he was quarterbacks coach of Jacksonville when the Jaguars were contenders and offensive coordinator during the tail end of the Brunell-Fred Taylor-Jimmy Smith era (in 2001, the team went 6-10). On the plus side, maybe Petrino can form a strong enough relationship with Joey to meet cousin Padraig (winner of the British Open) and distant cousin Dan Harrington (a professional poker player and winner of the 1995 World Series of Poker). http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joey_Harrington The Harringtons are out to take over the world I tell you!

3) Miami Dolphins - Cam Cameron
Proposed nickname: Coach Cam
Coach Cam was the offensive coordinator on the San Diego Chargers. That's impressive until you realize that Tomlinson makes any offensive system viable. I'm intrigued most though by Coach Cam's name. It immediately reminded me of some children's literary character, named Cam, who had a photographic memory. After googling some different phrases, the best summary of this series of books is found in Wikipedia:
"Jennifer "Cam" Jansen - The female protagonist of David A. Adler's Cam Jansen children mystery novels. Cam uses her photographic memory to her advantage when solving crimes. Cam, short for Camera, was appropriately nicknamed due to her idiosyncracy of saying "click" every time she takes a "picture" of a scene in her head (using her photographic memory)." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Photographic_memory
If I ever got a press pass courtesy of BSD for a Dolphins game, I would love to ask Cam Cameron if he has a photographic memory.

4) Oakland Raiders - Lane Kiffin
Proposed nickname - Kane Kiffin (sounds more menacing)
Kane was the offensive coordinator at USC and is very young and does not have much experience. Hell, he's never even been a head coach at any level! But the Raiders defense is "good" supposedly so it doesn't matter right? Wrong. I'm not expecting much from the Raiders or from Kane. Though, I do hope that Culpepper is given a chance to start because I'm rooting for him to prove everyone wrong and demonstrate that he still has something left in the tank.

5) Pittsburgh Steelers - Mike Tomlin
Proposed nickname - Tommy Boy
Tommy Boy was the defensive coordinator of the Vikings for only last season, and prior to that he was defensive backs coach at Tampa for 5 seasons. Like Kane, he has no head coaching experience at any level. The Steelers have always had success at picking young coaches though and letting them maintain continuity and stay in their positions for a long time.

NOTE: Dallas and San Diego brought back coaches who have already failed in the past (Wade Phillips and Norv Turner). They are technically not freshman coaches who are new to the NFL so I have omitted them from this article.

NFL Preview Part II: AFC Risers

As last week's piece focused on Newton's Third Law of Hollywood Starlets clearly has proven, whatever comes up must go down this week we will focus on those that will rush in a fill those gaping holes left from possible fallers. So here's a look at possible risers (highest probability to lowest probability of making the playoffs among the non-playoff teams from last year).

1. Denver - They missed the playoffs but the thinnest of margins last year. This year Jay Cutler has experience, Denver has a quarterback for a full year that isn't named Jake Plummer and an improved defensive line. If they don't make the playoffs it'll be a huge disappointment. Holding them back...Mike Shannahan is scheduled to blink for the first time all decade.

2A. Pittsburgh - Maybe its because I just watched Pittsburgh score a touchdown but given all the oddities that happened to the team and specifically Roethlisberger you have to imagine they'll be better this year. Of course questions remain about new o-coordinator and if Roethlisberger will ever be his first year self but I'm guessing it'll be better than last year. Holding them back Bruce Arians, offensive coordinator used to be the Browns OC.

2B Cincinnati - Less arrests. A fully healthy Carson Palmer. A good duo of shut down corners. Oh yes the Bungals could be back in the playoffs. Holding them back, police still hate Bengals players.

3. Jacksonville - An injured defense gets healthy. An easy schedule. Jack Del Rio knows voodoo magic . Hey anything is possible but I'm putting a lot money on the first three. Holding them back...no quarterback

4. Tennessee - Vince Young. He seems to know something about winning. Less about not punching helmets but hey nobody is perfect (especially if they're from Texas). Holding them back is that they lost of all their receivers and the one's still on their team have no arms.

5. Buffalo - Hey when did JP Losman get good? Umm around game 12. Yes, when a Buffalo quarterback looks good during the winter you have to think that the chances of him continuing that are hard. Holding them back...hardest schedule in the NFL, Dick Jauron.

6. Houston - David Carr is gone. Holding them back...offensive line is blind.

7. Oakland - Hey did anyone know that Raiders had an outstanding defense. Holding them back..hey did anyone know that the Raider's new coach is only 8 years old?

No Chance in Hell - Cleveland - Much improved offensiveline. Always a chance other teams in North could suffer a bout of polio. Holding them back...the city of Cleveland, no quarterback, Jesus hates them.

Even slimmer - Miami - Good defense. Good running back. Nick Saban is gone. Holding them back...Trent Green not recovered from his concussion mistook the Dolphin's for a team with an offensive line..

Who Cares?? Some Thoughts From Colonel Sanders on the NFL

I know I haven't written much lately, getting ready for a wedding is really taxing, but after seeing another one of ESPN's Page 2's lists I had a MJ Rage-A-Holic moment and needed to blow off some steam. ESPN put out a list of the top 50 players that it thinks will be carrying the football through the gates of Canton (after spiking on the tomb of William McKinley).

First off, there is no point for these lists, doesn't ESPN have anything more to talk about then projecting a list about something. Next they will make a list of the most likely NFL linemen to make a dooty in their pants after getting hit. ESPN please stop with these lists, they are not informative and none of us really care.

Second, players on the list are retarded. Of the top 10, I think that most of the players will make it to the HOF, but Adam Vinatieri?? Come on, did we get transported to Europe and get our footballs confused. This is not Pele...and to be #10 on this list above players like TO, Tony Gonzalez and Bernie Kosar is just ridiculous.

Next, why put players like Matt Leinert on this list. We are talking about football abilities not the ability to pick up a Hilton at a party. Having him on this list is absolutely ridiculous. If he was put on a team with no decent WRs, then he would be thrown in with the likes of Tim Couch. And why is TO #36th on this list. He might be an asshole but he has been by far in the top 2 of his position for the past decade. I would actually put him over Marvin Harrison and Torry Holt (#8 and #20) on this list.

Additionally, why put players that have never played onto this list. Calvin Johnson (someone who will probably get the curse of the Lions receivers) is #40. He could snap his patella tendons or get thrown in the Detroit River by angry Red Wings fans and never see one game again. The same goes with Adrian Peterson, who is #50. Sure they could be HOFers, but it is like me saying that the 9 year old at the Pee-Wee game I saw this past weekend would go into the Hall. He sure was juking like Barry Sanders and didn't seem to be touched going to the end zone.

Last, why leave The Thirteenth Earl of Bruce off this list (Isaac Bruce). He is only is #7 on the list of all time receptions and reception yards and was a part of one of the most fun teams to watch of the 90s.

Please ESPN stop doing these lists. Talk about the Barry Bond's dingleberries, Curt Schilling's nose hair, or Tom Brady's waxing lady but don't do these stupid lists. I know it is a slow sports season but I am sure that there are some things to cover.

Cheers and Jeers: Long Summer Night Edition

Ingredients:

• 1 1/2 oz Southern Comfort
• 1 1/2 oz Triple sec
• 1 1/2 oz Sweet and sour mix
• Fill with Mountain Dew
• 3 - 4 Ice cubes

Listen up Turkey the Giant. In one day at Katz Square Garden, you and me will square off again. I'll be honest initially I had my doubts facing you again. After Bobby "The Pickle" Hennan hit me with a chair and you lifted me up and slammed me onto the mat I didn't know if I could get back into the squared circle with you. So brother, I climbed the tallest mountain I could find and looked down into the valley. And you know what I saw? I saw all the little Mikesters pleading me to get back there and right your wrongs. So I climbed down and started getting ready. Oh yes I did the training, the vitamins and the daily prayers. I did it for all my fans. So when I step into that ring at Sandwichmania XX and I don't show any fear its not only because of the training its also because I have the 20,000 Mikeamaniacs behind me. When the 24 inch pythons start crushing the life out of you, its not just me squeezing but also all my fans. That's right Turkey, once I Mike Up, there will be no stopping me and Mikeamaniacs. So brother I just got one question for you, Whatcha going to do when Mikeamania runs wild on you?


Cheers: To the best internet rumor of the week. According to rumors, Scarlett Johansson will play Jenna Jamison in the porn star's upcoming biopic. Oh please please please please be true. I do believe in miracles. In honor here are 10 great video clips of our patron saint.

Jeers: Kevin Mchale. Seems like old Kevin made Bill Simmons about as happy as possible short of buying him that new Barbie car he's been dying for. Boston is in salary cap hell but hey for a few years they have the tools to win a championship.

Scientists have proven that drunk cats would do a better job as GM than Kevin Mchale

Cheers: To Browns cornerback Gary Baxter. After blowing out BOTH his platella tendons in October, Baxter has made it back to the practice field. Whether or not Baxter can play again at a high enough to level to be a pro remains to be seen but hey 9 months ago doctors weren't sure if he would walk again, let alone practice. If that isn't cause for cheers your soul is darker than Rubert Murdoch's.

Jeers: A special melancholy jeers to the passing of Genius Bill Walsh. He not only was a great coach and teacher but also a great person. Can't say that about too many people....

And as always your C&J girl of the week....Angela Mclin

Trade Deadline Recap

My quick take on the major deals of the past few days:

1. Mark Teixeira, Ron Mahay to Atlanta Braves; Jarrod Saltalamacchia, Elvis Andrus, Neftali Feliz, player to be named later to Texas Rangers.

Notes: A win for both teams. The Rangers get a major league-ready player in Saltalamacchia, a high-ceiling prospect at shortstop (Andrus), and a 19 year old pitcher who throws with plus velocity (Feliz). The Braves deepen their lineup with Teixeira and have leverage in their upcoming negotiations with Andruw Jones. Although it is likely that Teixeira will test free agency in November 2008, they will get a full year of high-caliber production from the first base position. Before Adam LaRoche hit 32 homers last year, the Braves had gone seven seasons between 30HR seasons from their everyday first baseman (Andres Galarraga, 44HR in 1998).

2. Octavio Dotel to Atlanta Braves; Kyle Davies to Kansas City Royals.

Notes: The only benefit to KC here is that they get a cheap arm that has had success in the minor leagues. As a major leaguer, Davies hasn’t fared quite as well. But the operative word here is cheap and it gives KC control of another younger player that is a few years away from salary arbitration. Atlanta bolsters their bullpen by adding another arm in front of struggling closer Bob Wickman. Viewed in conjunction with their trade for Teixeira, the Braves clearly view themselves as a team poised for an October run and have added both an impact bat and depth to their bullpen.

3. Eric Gagne to Boston Red Sox; Kason Gabbard, David Murphy, and Engel Beltre to Texas Rangers.

Notes: This is an interesting trade. Texas adds depth to their farm system by adding Murphy and Beltre to Triple-A and Single-A, respectively. Murphy developed into a productive hitter by the end of his college career and showed promise in one season of Double-A baseball last year. Beltre is still too young to judge but appears to be a decent prospect. As for Gabbard, he’s a curious case. His major league stats are actually better than his minor league ones and he doesn’t seem to be much more than a #3/#4 type starter. Of course, Texas has been starved for back-of-rotation starting pitching for years now so maybe Gabbard can be a nice addition for the Rangers. Gagne’s arrival in Boston is also a mixed bag. The Red Sox bullpen wasn’t a particular weakness so it can be argued that Boston gave up talent for a two-month rental of a player they didn’t actually need. That fact, coupled with Gagne’s recent ineffectiveness – 5.00 ERA, .297 BAA over the last 30 days – makes him a potential boom or bust addition. Of course, on paper, the Delcarmen-to-Okajima-to-Gagne-to-Papelbon bullpen conga line is impressive. But that’s why they play the games, right?

4. Luis Castillo to New York Mets; Drew Butera, Dustin Martin to Minnesota Twins.

Notes: The Twins gave up very little to get very little back in return. One wonders why they wouldn’t keep Castillo, a free agent after this season, and let him walk in exchange for the draft picks they’d get as compensation. It doesn’t seem realistic to expect that both Butera and Martin will develop into anything of consequence for the Twins, even though both played college baseball and might be a bit more polished than their stats might indicate. The Mets opted to add a veteran to the mix instead of sticking with youngster Ruben Gotay. At the end of the day, the Mets didn’t address their need for more pitching in the rotation and bullpen. Although moving Gotay to the bench improves their depth, this move is akin to running in place.

5. Scott Proctor to Los Angeles Dodgers; Wilson Betemit to New York Yankees.

Notes: Apparently there’s something in the water in New York because the Yanks made the same “running in place” trade as their crosstown step-siblings. Does Betemit improve New York’s depth on the bench? Absolutely; he makes Chris Basak’s roster spot expendable. But does it address New York’s need for more (and better) relief pitching? No, not in the slightest. The current plan is to promote from within, testing out Edwar Ramirez, Chris Britton and Joba Chamberlain on the big club in place of Proctor and Brian Bruney. For the Dodgers, they simply add depth to their bullpen which is never a bad thing. The only problem for them is that they’re locked in a vicious three-way fight for the division and their real issue is scoring enough runs on a consistent basis.

Grades: Atlanta Braves (A), Texas Rangers (A), Boston Red Sox (B+), Los Angeles Dodgers (C+), New York Yankees (C), New York Mets (C), Kansas City Royals (C-), Minnesota Twins (D)