Business Time for Baseball

A little analysis of some of the contenders, pretenders and offenders for the Baseball playoffs. Because its Business Time!

AMERICAN LEAGUE

New York Yankees:
Musical Scene from TV/Movie: Rent
Why It Represents The Team: Robinson Cano thinks both are fabulous. Both are MJ's favorite.
Best Pizzeria: Grimaldi's
Team Symbol: Money Bag
Things Going For the Team: MVP A-Rod. Jeter willing to head butt chair for win. Resemblance to AC Milan with a willingness to buy off officials.
Consequence of Winning World Series: New Yorkers will set fire to Boston
Cursed: No

Cleveland Indians
Musical Scene from TV/Movie: Drew Carey Show. (Cleveland Rocks)
Why It Represents the Team: Random choreographed dance routines break out in clubhouse
Best Pizzeria: Geraci's
Team Symbol: Racism
Things Going for the Team: Pronk. Willingness to throw pies at teammates. Kenny Lofton is back with team. Amex Commercials
Consequence of Winning World Series: Uncertain. Clevelanders haven't experienced winning a championship since 1964. Victory at the very least will result in 3 day Caligula inspired orgy
Cursed: Yes. Curse of Rocky Colavito

Los Angeles Anaheim Angels
Musical Scene From TV/Movie: None. Closest thing is Escape from LA
Why It Represents the Team: Evidence that hell is full and the dead roam the Earth. Oh Wait thats the city more generally.
Best Pizzeria: None. Remember this is is hell on Earth
Team Symbol: Rally Monkey
Things Going for the Team: Bangkok Rules. Vlad can hit any ball within 30 feet. Kobe can't hog ball.
Consequence of Winning: Fans set fire to their own city. New Yorkers set fire to Boston.
Cursed: No. Well outside of living near a hell mouth.

Boston Red Sox
Musical Scene from TV/Movie: Mystic River (All These Lives)
Why It Represents the Team: Good but soul crushingly depressing
Best Pizzeria: Santarpio's
Team Symbol: Ben Affleck
Things Going for the Team: Big Papi. Tom Brady's willingness to sleep with opponent's wives, girlfriends, goats, anything not nailed down.
Consequence of Winning: Bill Simmons obnoxious level threatens to tear a hole in the Space Time Continuum. Irrational national fear that Boston could have champion in 3 sports (Pats and Celts) in same year resulting in New Yorkers setting fire to Boston.
Cursed: Does having Bill Simmons from your hometown count?


NATIONAL LEAGUE

Chicago Cubs
Musical Scene from TV/Movie: Blues Brothers
Why It Represents the Team: On A Mission from a Higher Power (possibly Hebrew National)
Best Pizzeria: Giordano's
Team Symbol: Bill Murray
Things Going for the Team: Soriano. Starting pitchers haven't had any arms fall off recently. Lou Pinella hasn't killed anyone in at least 10 days
Consequence of Winning World Series: Ozzie Guillen will take credit for victory.
Cursed: Yes. Curse of the Billy Goat

Arizona Diamondbacks
Musical Scene From TV/Movie: Raising Arizona
Why It Represents the Team: Nobody else willing to
Best Pizzeria: Not enough water to make Pizza
Team Symbol: Question Mark
Things Going for the Team: Made up entirely of people from the witness relocation program. New uniforms are slimming
Consequence of Winning World Series: Team will be imploded and sold for scrap metal
Cursed: Unfortunately no.

Philadelphia Phillies
Musical Scene from TV/Movie: Rocky
Why It Represents the Team: Possible brain damage to Rocky/Charlie Manuel
Best Pizzeria: Bruni's Pizzeria
Team Symbol: The Middle Finger
Things Going for The Team: Slugging Percentage. Jimmy Rollins. Knowledge that city will hunt them down if they lose
Consequence of Winning World Series: None. Will still hate Donovan Mcnabb.
Cursed: Yes. Curse of William Penn

Colorado Rockies
Musical Scene from TV/Movie: Muppets (with John Denver)
Why It Represents the Team: Won't die. Possibly powered by Satan
Best Pizzeria: Only serve Rocky Mountain Oysters up there
Team Symbol: The Terminator (they just keep coming)
Things Going for the Team: Matt Holliday. High altitude training.
Consequence of Winning World Series: James Dobson will finally come out of the closet
Cursed: No.