Larry Brown: Genius Or Flaky Douchebag?

I think Larry Brown is a great basketball coach. He's able to teach the game the right way and he's had success on all levels of the game (college, pro, international). He's able to work with all types of teams and he wins everywhere he goes. He's also an egomaniac, irresponsible and a douchebag. Brown is actively negotiating his next job while in the middle of a title defense with the Detroit Pistons. This is unfair to his employer, his staff, his players and Pistons fans everywhere. There's no question that Brown has a short attention span. He usually goes to a new place every 3-5 years so the Pistons certainly shouldn't be surprised that he's moving on. However, the team's owner Bill Richardson and president Joe Dumars should put a clamp on this immediately. I don't see how David Stern has even allowed it to get this far. It's really unfortunate for everyone involved. I also think this reflects poorly on Dan Gilbert, the Cavs' new team owner as he's openly disrespecting Richardson. Let's see how Gilbert likes it when LeBron starts hearing whispers about greener free agency pastures in 12 months.

Larry Brown obviously doesn't want to stay in Detroit although I can't figure out the reason why. He's got a great team in the Motor City. All I know is that the Heat are going to beat the Pistons in the Eastern Conference Finals and then Brown will head for Cleveland, leaving Pistons fans with a bitter taste in their mouths.

Oh, Canada!

So I just got back from the holiday weekend where I spent a couple of days up in Toronto. I am happy to report that Toronto is both a lovely city and a great sports town for 2 reasons:

1. The Hockey Hall of Fame. The HHOF is just a tad shy of being cooler than Cooperstown. The actual building where the HHOF is housed is a gorgeous church-looking structure on the corner of Front St., between Bay and Yonge. It is so shrine-looking, in fact, that you don't even realize that it's a museum, you just walk by it and think, "Oh, what a pretty church that is!" Inside, the HHOF has the right mix of permanent, interactive and film exhibits as well as games and a good gift shop. What makes the HHOF so incredibly cool, of course, is the trophy room. This room has a huge domed ceiling with a beautiful stain-glass roof and all of the game's trophies (Stanley, Bing, Vezina, Calder, etc.). Just being so close to the Stanley Cup made me appreciate hockey in a new way. It's not a sport that I can enjoy or get into but I see why people love it so much. It's got great history and tradition in the same way baseball does and in a way that the NFL and NBA can never understand.

2. Rogers Centre (aka Skydome). Beth (my girlfriend) and I went to check out a day game between the Twins and Blue Jays on Sunday afternoon. We got amazing seats, 25 rows behind home plate on the field level, just high enough to be able to see over the ump's head. We were fortunate enough to catch Roy "Doc" Halladay pitch the increasingly-rare complete game shutout. He did it in 100 pitches (with 10 K's) so it was a real treat. Despite what purists may say (and I'm 82.47% purist), baseball played indoors on artificial turf is just as authentic and enjoyable as being outside. In fact, as one who hates hot weather, I enjoyed the climate-controlled environment. The sightlines were perfect, the scoreboard and video monitors were great, the sound system was crystal clear and the food was well-varied, tasty and cheap. It's a great ballpark.

Rounding the Turn

Well I'm currently hallucinating from a fever that I acquired from a night on the town with Norman Chad, Michael Wilbon and the Swedish bikini team. Lets just say Norman Chad bought us all a lot of rolling rocks. Nonetheless I do have a duty to perform. Baseball is nearing the one-third mark. We've played enough baseball that you pretty well know the teams that will be contending and the teams that will be having the back to school sales of various players. Here's a small run down of those that I see as being in good shape.

Hot but unknown:
Baltimore Orioles, Chicago White Sox and the San Diego Padres
-Nobody really gave any of these teams a chance to be serious playoff teams in Spring Training (well Mo had the Padres winning out West, I only had them as a Wild Card and Hart was still trying to figure out how use the blender) but guess what 50 odd games in they're at the top of of their divisions. Will their pitching keep it up? The Orioles closer didn't give up a run in the month of May. Too bad nobody knows his name or I'd vote for him for the all-star squad. The White Sox are playing NL style ball. San Diego is cheating. Thats right, they poison the opposing teams, every night. I would never want to be associated with Orioles or Chisox bandwagons (I'm fairly indifferent about the Padres) but hey they might do it....

Walking Wounded (i.e. the Preseason Favorites)
Boston Red Sox, The Angels of multiple cities and The Yankees.
-The Preseason AL Favorites mainly came from these 3 teams. They've had track records, post-season experience and most importantly Country Size budgets. They've each had their slumps, their injuries and in the case of Boston apparently Kevin Millar's batting arm atrophied in the off-season. While the Angels are in first place they don't seem to conjure the spector of a deep playoff run. Boston has struggled as of late to score. The Yanks have been a tear in May but can they keep the pace up? This is still the same team that bottomed out in April (we think at least..Steinbrenner may have turned his Yank squad into radioactive supermen while we weren't watching).

League of their own
Saint Louis Cardinals
In the struggling NL the Cards are the only team to really show that they are a constistent playoff team. Despite injuries , they keep winning. Sure it helps that they play is baseball's worst division but hey got to every advantage. Cards are going to need a little bullpen help and an extra outfielder that isn't over the age of 39 but thats what the trading deadline is for.

Others
Minnesota, LA Dodgers, Arizona, Florida, Atlanta, Toledo Mudhens, and the Tokyo Bombers all have shots but apparently my fever is kicking into high gear so I'm signing off. Damn you Norman Chad!

Shut Your Piehole! #5

Amazingly, this feature spot on Back Seat Drivers has had four installations before turning its attention to one of the better-known idiots in sports today: Joe Morgan.

In the pre-game chat before tonight's Red Sox-Yankees game, Morgan and Jon Miller discussed David Wells, who's starting tonight's game and who's had a pretty terrible season thus far (2-4, 6.81 ERA, 1.51 WHIP). Morgan noted that tonight's effort could be "a turning point for his season, a turning point for his career."

Ok, Joe, I'll give you the "season" comment. Boston needs Wells to turn things around for the last four months, and needless to say, how he pitches against the team's biggest rival could have massive and long-term repercussions for the rest of the year. If he does well tonight, perhaps that will provide some spark for the Boomer to return to form; if not, he may find himself buried too far in the hole.

But "a turning point for his career"? David Wells is 42 years old! He came up in 1987, finished third in the Cy Young Award voting in 1998 and 2000, pitched a perfect game in 1998, has won 214 games and three World Series, and will perhaps tonight record his 2000th career strikeout. So, Joe, if he pitches well tonight, what can we expect from the rest of his career? Maybe he'll turn things around and get another 100 wins? Perhaps another two or three rings? A chance at six more no-nos, to tie Nolan Ryan? The sky's the limit for the Boomer - if only he pitches well tonight!

Joe Morgan, quit running your blabber mouth, and just SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE!

New York Needs A Moat...

...to keep the Republicans out.

I am both a sports business graduate student and a former Republican which makes me pretty qualified to post today on the subject of President Bush trying to influence New York's vote on the West Side Sports & Convention Center (aka Jets Stadium).

President Bush is dispatching his minions, namely White House Chief-of-Staff Andrew Card, to influence NY Assemblyman Sheldon Silver to vote in favor of unfreezing funds for Jets Stadium. Bush wants the stadium built in order to secure New York's bid for the 2012 Olympic Games and in order to show off the new skyline in downtown Manhattan where the World Trade Center once stood.

What Bush doesn't care about is the horribly faulty structure of the financing for the Jets Stadium project. He doesn't care that approving the stadium today, under the current terms, will cost New Yorkers millions upon millions of dollars. He doesn't care because we're a blue state and because he and his party have no shot in hell of ever winning it in a presidential election. Hell, they'll probably be losing their GOP governor in the fall too.

New York needs a moat to keep the GOP rifraff out of here. As a former Republican who is totally disillusioned with his party, I say get the hell out of here Andy Card. Go back to Washington and do some real work. We don't need the goddamn stadium today. There'll be other Olympics. Unless the GOP is willing to finance the stadium or restructure the deal in a more sensible way, there is no reason for you to be in this city where you're not welcome.

NBA Conference Finals

The NBA Conference Finals are underway. I thought I’d provide a few observations from the playoffs thus far:

1) Steve Nash actually had an MVP –performance. I still can’t believe the 3-pointer he hit to get Phoenix into OT in Game 6 against Dallas. He was running at full speed and just stopped in an instant and launched a quick 3. Nash showed that if he wants to he can take over. Granted, his team is at its best when he scores 20 points and has 15 assists. (He had that 48-point game with only 5 assists and they lost by 10). The problem against the Spurs is that he has to play defense. Tony Parker is capable of just abusing Steve Nash, and that’s what it will take for the Spurs to win. So far, focusing on everyone but Nash has worked as the Spurs have a 2-game lead, though it’s mainly due to their offense being incredible during the 4th quarter of each game.

2) Dwayne Wade single-handedly was carrying his team w/o Shaq. Was is the key, since now he’s up against a team that actually plays defense (sorry – the Nets & the Wizards aren’t known for their defensive prowess). Between Tayshaun Prince and Chauncey Billups, I’m guessing the Pistons will have enough guards to throw at Wade. Or, they could just let Wade go nuts and try to guard the rest of the team. Shaq is really not 100%, he only grabbed 5 rebounds in the first game.

3) Don’t leave Brent Barry open. In Game 1 of the Spurs-Suns, Barry hardly played and still scored 21 points. There was 1 stretch when he made 3 straight 3s to put the game out of reach. It was strange how they kept leaving him open. In Game 2 he didn’t play that much, but Robert Horry came off the bench to knock down 3 triples. Robert Horry! He doesn’t age, he just keeps resurfacing on championship-caliber teams (Rockets-Lakers-Spurs).

4) Leave Glenn Robinson open. A lot of teams pick up aging veteran 3-point shooters just to be the last guy off the bench. It must be for leadership reasons, because “Big Dog” really doesn’t play that much. Other veteran shooters who have gotten championship rings without really playing: Steve Smith, on San Antonio ; Mitch Richmond on the Lakers ; (I’m leaving Ron Harper and Steve Kerr off this list. They actually made major contributions in their quests for championships. )

5) Pistons-Spurs is the Finals everyone wants to see. No offense to Shaq, but I just don’t think he’s healthy. Spurs-Heat would be interesting, just to see how far Wade could go. Nonetheless, the Pistons just have so much depth and it would be fun to see them matchup with the Spurs. It would be the 2 deepest teams in the league.

6) As if we already didn't know this, sports announcers are idiots. Carlos Arroyo entered game 1, and the announcers kept saying, "how can you let a backup point guard enter a close game like this? Billups must be tired." These idiots haven't done any research and didn't even realize that Arroyo was a starting point guard on the Utah Jazz just a few months ago, and if it wasn't for his "attitude problems", he still would be the starting point guard on Utah. Needless to say, Arroyo got 7 assists in just 10 minutes. I'd say that's pretty good.

Retire Already, Damnit!

Just a quick question -- why the hell won't Jerry Rice retire already? He was born during the Kennedy administration (1962) and most of his peers are already coaching or enjoying the 10th year of their retirement. He's set every single record there is to set and most of them have no chance of being touched. He's won enough Super Bowls that he'll never have to ask "What If?" and in signing with Denver today, he is now going to be playing for his third team in one calendar year. If that isn't the sign of a journeyman, I don't know what is. It's pathetic, really. Jerry, if your wife is so goddamn annoying to be around that you can't stand the thought of giving up football to be with her, have her killed. If OJ can get away with it, you can too.

The Fix ISN'T In...

Yesterday's NBA Draft Lottery results should put to rest the belief that David Stern manipulates the proceedings for the league's benefit. With Milwaukee holding the #1 pick, there is no imaginable benefit to the NBA. If the NBA had its way, there wouldn't even be a team in Milwaukee.

While I agree that the circumstantial evidence may point to the contrary (Knicks in '85, Magic in '92 & '93, Wizards in '01), there is no reason to believe that Stern would manipulate the lottery only part of the time. If Stern were so interested in "placing" the high-profile #1 draft pick in select cities, he'd do so every year. So, hopefully this ends the conspiracy theory floating out there. If it doesn't, all I can say is that I'd like an explanation for why the Knicks haven't had the #1 pick since 1985. Wouldn't the league love to have its marquee city front and center every year? I know I'd love it if that were the case...

Rooting Against Lindsey Davenport

I don't know a whole lot about tennis, men's or women's. I enjoy watching when I do, and that's about it. I'm very much a passive fan.

But this year, as the French Open gets underway, I've decided to actively root against #1 seed Lindsey Davenport.

She's too ugly to win.

Peter Gammons: Bombast and Stupidity (Part II)

This column hasn't taken off like I'd hoped and that is partly due to the other stuff going on in sports right now (steroids, NBA playoffs, etc) but I just read this and can't pass up an opportunity to again show how f*cking stupid Peter Gammons is...

"Maybe the Yankees learned a lesson by trading Javier Vazquez, who is now throwing harder than Randy Johnson and pitching brilliantly since his first start of the season. Brad Halsey is also consistently sitting at 90 and pitching very well."

Let's deconstruct, shall we? Is Peter Gammons suggesting that the Yankees erred by trading Vazquez for the best lefty pitcher since Sandy Koufax? Is he suggesting that the Yanks would be better off with a guy who had a 2nd half ERA of 6.92 and who clearly wasn't able to get American League hitters out with any regularity? Should I mention to Peter that Vazquez, the Yankee-Hater media darling of 2005, was so lousy in Pinstripes last year that he didn't even merit a post-season start in either of the 2 series the Yanks played in and was the biggest reason why the Yanks couldn't keep Game 7 close in the ALCS (duck, Javy, it's Johnny Damon!).

Gammons has again proven that he has no ability in the profession he has chosen. He's a weather vane, going with the wind. If Javy Vazquez should have a bad spell, I wonder if he'll revisit his revisitations and proclaim the deal as an indication of why the D-backs are going in circles.

Peter Gammons, you're a moron. Why don't you just move back to Boston where no one else can hear you?

The High Point of the NBA

I will go on record as the high point of the NBA was the mid 1980s. The Days of Bird v. Magic. Of Showtime. Of Skyhooks. The Fabled Boston Garden and its crappy floor (I maintain that it was painted dirt). Beyond the marque teams there were a host of other teams that could (hold your breath) score. Before the Knicks and others aligned NBA game speed with that of a geriatric hallway race, Run TMC of Golden State routinely scored 120 points a game. Tim Hardway, Chris Mullin and Mitch Richmond were a thing of beauty. While they never won anything major they showed that you could win without utilizing an isolation for the big man strategy.

By the 1990s equaling the scoring output of the previous decade would be the equivalent of Mauritania getting a man on the Moon, it just wasn't happening. Even the lowly Cavs had multiple players (including Larry "The Last of High Socks" Nance) that could hit the legendary mid range jump shot. The 1990s players couldn't find a mind range jump shot if they had a road map and a flashlight. This year's playoff, out West, there has been a rebirth of scoring. The recent Mavs - Suns matchup was a case in point of high scoring, passing and international style defense (read strong language was the only thing used). Hopefully that trend will continue. I am hopeful because today in the NBA the most valuable position belongs to the point guard. Even the mighty Spurs or Heat will only go as far as Tony Parker and Dwayne Wade respectively takes them. As more teams realize the importance of this position perhaps there is hope for the NBA after all.

Rising/Falling
This week's rising team: San Diego Padres - The MLC predicted playoff, while starting off slow, is red hot and hopefully will not let down San Diego or me.

This week's falling team: Houston. Stick a fork in this team. Begin the rebuilding. Or we can always sell Texas for beer money.

Reg-gie, Reg-gie

I don't want to steal my own thunder from my rant against the federal government but I'm as outraged by last night's felching of Reggie Miller's anus as I am about federal intrusion in private business.

To be honest, my memory is hazy on this but I don't remember ESPN doing a soft-focus, misty video tribute for Karl Malone, John Stockton, Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewing or Hakeem Olajuwon upon their retirements. Why does Reggie get one? It's preposterous. He was never as good as any of the aforementioned players. Perhaps because Reggie was imminently more quotable (with the exception of Sir Charles), ESPN felt the need to thank the guy for making post-game press conferences so entertaining.

That being said, it really pisses me off that we're giving hero worship to a guy that was a good but not great player. He's had his moments, no doubt. He's buried the Knicks more than anyone but MJ and perhaps that's why I hate him so much but let's be frank about this -- Reggie is not among the 50 greatest players in history and certainly shouldn't get his ass kissed more than any of his contemporaries who all outrank him in just about every meaningful stat. Reggie was never the best player at his position the way the guys listed above were.

ESPN has become a media outlet that promotes showboating, overrated pseudo-superstars. They'd actually have you believe that the NBA will somehow miss Reggie when in fact, only ESPN will miss Reggie. Believe me, the NBA will go on. There are at least 5 shooting guards in the league today that are more skilled than Reggie ever was.

Oh, and as far as that "flair for the dramatic" reputation goes -- I defy any reader of this blog to come back to me with a playoff series where Reggie carried his team to victory. I'm not talking about 1 game, I'm talking about a whole series. Go find me a series where he put together back-to-back classics the way the truly great players do.

Dear Federal Government: Please Go 'F' Yourselves

I can't believe the United States government is taking an active interest in the steroids issue. I also can't believe that they're proposing to make a federal law overseeing steroids enforcement in all professional sports leagues in the US. Beyond that, I really can't believe why a first-time offender should get a two-year ban from their sport and a repeat offender should get a lifetime ban. How on earth does this make sense? I don't care what Olympics losers do. The Olympics are a big joke anyway since we all know that these athletes dope up.

Who said that American pro sports should follow international amateur doping standards? How is it even the federal government's business? It is up to each sport to regulate its own affairs and to keep its house in good order. If it does not, the fan and corporate backlash will take care of the matter. There is no reason for the government to waste time or money on something that is simply not important enough to the operation of the country.

For that reason, I invite all 538 members of the legislative branch to collectively 'F' themselves. If they're not willing to get off C-Span with their goddamn grandstanding, we should all write in Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire as our next candidates. Juiced or not, they've shown that they're as intelligent as the anus-faces that run this country.

Another Question of the Day

Another day, another report of a Barry Bonds setback. I don't buy it. I think this whole knee thing has been very quietly exaggerated, in an effort to keep Bonds off the field. If his career ends at 704 HR due to persistent injury, Bonds retires (relatively) gracefully and sadly. But if he returns, and either gets caught doing 'roids or his performance falls way short, his final chapter will be riddled with questions - even more than the current amount - about whether he was juicing during his late 90s-early 2000s stretch.

So the question of the day is: Do you believe that Barry's really and this badly hurt?

Charles Barkley Is A Role Model

First off, I’m watching Spurs-Sonics last night, when suddenly, a guy with D. Wilkens on his Sonics jersey pump fakes and dunks it home from just inside the free throw line! And yes, this "Damien Wilkens" is related to Dominique (it’s his nephew - Gerald’s son). He allowed me to reminisce to the days of Dominique- “The Human Highlight Film” -and when he would continually lose in the 1st/2nd round every year. Gerald called himself a “Jordan-stopper” when he was with the Cavs. We know how that worked out. I only hope Damien has more luck in his quest for a championship.

This is probably not the year for Damien to enjoy a long ride in the postseason though. Now that the Spurs are up 3-2 in the series, I hope this ends speculation of Seattle beating San Antonio. The fact that Seattle already won 2 games is pretty impressive, and they are a fun team to watch. Ultimately, they need Rashard Lewis healthy to even have a chance. I was actually pretty impressed with the bruisers they had to go up against Duncan – Fortson, Jerome James, and Nick Collison of Kansas. None of them are expected to do anything except rebound and play defense, which works fine when you have 3-4 shooters on the floor at all times.

On a lighter note, Charles Barkley was adamantly enraged at halftime about the fact that Manu Ginobili was starting, because “you can just use him off the bench and get a spark, since Manu gets tired if he plays the whole game.” Needless to say, the Spurs were able to take care of business mainly because Manu played like a man possessed while starting and playing 36 minutes. 19 points in the first half, 20 in the second half.
Coach Barkley should go back to doing what he does best – providing funny quotes.

Since Barkley didn’t say anything noteworthy last night, I decided to look up some Charles Barkley quotes – using the power of the internet. Here’s a couple I found to be very entertaining:
1) “My family got all over me because they said Bush is only for the rich people. Then I reminded them, 'Hey, I'm rich'. “
2) “Kids are great. That's one of the best things about our business, all the kids you get to meet. It's a shame they have to grow up to be regular people and come to the games and call you names.”
Barkley is a great entertainer simply because he has no filter. The problem with most people is that they try to be polite, and politically correct. Barkley is fun to watch simply because he will speak his mind no matter what, for better or for worse. Maybe he finally has become a role model – to free speech advocates across the country!

Shut Your Piehole! #4

After Cubs 2B Jerry Hairston led off the ninth inning with a double, TV color commentator Bob Brenly remarked: "Other than a home run or a triple, that is about the best you could ask from a leadoff man."

And you wonder why he's no longer managing...Bobby, shut your piehole!

Gammons/Cashman

From Peter Gammons:

"Philadelphia: ...It wasn't Larry Bowa's fault, so it can't be Charlie Manuel's fault either. And, thus, the only man left holding the evidence if this season doesn't turn around for the Phils is GM Eddie Wade; hence the Brian Cashman whispers have already started. This team has a $95 million payroll. Its farm system is so bad that as of Thursday their minor-league teams were a combined 48 games under .500..."

Yikes. Phillies fans better get used to the cellar for their team. If they fire Wade and replace him with Cashman, that minor league system isn't getting any better anytime soon. I don't think there's any evidence out there that Cashman can manage a minor league system or evaluate talent in general. Worse yet, if a major media market, a rabid fanbase and a brand-new ballpark can't generate enough revenue for the Phillies to get into the $100M+ payroll neighborhood, I don't see how Cashman's going to be the man to fix the problems that currently plague The Illadelph.

Chris Mathews has infected Bristol U

= .


If my readers haven't picked yet I don't have a particular affinity for the national media. I don't think the those covering politics do a good job and frankly those that cover sports over at Britol U (better known as ESPN) don't do things better. This is not to say I dislike beatwriters and local columnist. I don't think that the talking heads that appear on ESPN are complete idiots or assholes or both (well somtimes see above picture) but they're afflicted by what I call Chris Mathews syndrome. They're like autistic monkeys in the sense that they can only 1) cover one topic at a time and 2) the coverage is superficial because its done so in an incrediably lazy manner. How much prep you think Steven A. Smith needs to scream obscenities or bash something that he doesn't understand (which apparently is anything more complex than saying "I'm Steven A. Smith")?

At Bristol U they have two baseball topics: The Red Sox and the Yankees. This year in a downsizing move aimed at increasing profitability, they've only covered the Yankess. There's the perpetual coverage of the Yankees slump, Giambi's wiffs, Steinbrenner's dinner menu, the latest Yankees winning streak, and I think I heard Mike Lupica would start doing weekly updates on A-Rod's eye color.

Nonetheless here's a few stories that are not centered on the Yanks...

1) Clint Barnes, SS Colorado Rockies...Currently batting .386. His swing is as smooth as Natalie Portman's ass (and yes I can say ass on this blog). The one bright spot in the otherwise abysmal (I believe they term that "rebuilding" these days).

2) Billy Beane - Genius No More? Waaay back in March I said Oakland would end up in 4rth Place (go ahead check...I dare you). Guess what right now, theyre in 4rth (well tied but lets not get tied up in semantics) and have lost 7 in a row. The hitting is awful. The pitching is so-so. They don't even have decent hot dogs in the stadium. Yep the bottom has fallen out of Oakland. Mark my words Los Athletics will be in last place at the end of the season.

3) The ChiSox- Still hate them and they should rightfully be ignored as to avoid encouraging them .

4) Milwaukee - The BrewCrew have been in rebuilding mode since in 1862 when their best players got drafted and sent over to defeat New York in the draft riots. Today, however, behind decent starting pitching headlined by Ben Sheets, outstanding bullpen led by Derrick Turnbrow (no really) and young hitting led by Presidential hopeful John McCain. This year they have a good shot at being 2nd in the Central when the dust settles.

5) I would mention something about the NBA but frankly despite some drama and generally superstar play (see true MVP Dwayne Wade at work) it just doesn't have any appeal. Ah well.

New Posting Rule

I hereby decree, in my powers as a junior official contributor to this blog, that no contributor may post on behalf of a guest. If that guest wishes to make his/her opinion known, he/she should add a comment - which any of our many readers is welcome to do. If the guest is chicken shit and won't own up to his/her opinions, than they should simply shut their pieholes.

This is another way of calling Stanford Jake a big pantywaist.

Worst Trades Ever!

Bloody Gamebreak, my muse these days, wants us to talk about the worst trades in sports. Since we've exhausted the free agent category (we came up with great ones, good work team!), lets move on to this one...

NHL: The worst trade in this sport is a tough call, especially since I hate hockey and know very little about it. I'd have to say the Flyers-Nordiques/Avs trade involving Eric Lindros is right up there. Lindros insisted that he wouldn't sign in Quebec for the money being offered, forced a trade to Philly where the Flyers got his draft rights in exchange for what became the core of the Avs' Stanley Cup teams of 1996 and 2001. The Flyers got a petulant bitch who could never stay on the ice when it mattered most and never caught a whiff of glory with Lindros on the team.

NFL: The NFL doesn't do much trading so this one really stands out. The Vikings traded 6 players and 12 draft picks to Dallas for Herschel Walker. Yes, that's right, 18 players for 1. The Cowboys got at least 2 Hall of Famers out of those draft picks (Emmitt Smith and Darren Woodson) and the Vikings cut Herschel 2 years later. As the Guinness guys say, "BRILLIANT!"

MLB: Since the MLB has so many trades each year, it's hard to pick just one. Certainly, the Pink Sox trading that Babe guy to the Yanks has to be on the short list. In fact, that's my vote, since it changed the course of baseball and American history for 86 years, only to be unraveled by Bloody Gamebreak's vote (Kevin Brown).

NBA: I feel very strongly about this one. The worst trade in NBA history is actually a 2-parter. Part 1 is the Knicks trading Patrick Ewing to the Sonics in a 3-way trade and getting Glen Rice. Ewing had 1 year/$16M left on his deal and the incoming Rice had just signed a 4 year/$48M contract. The Knicks added to that nonsensical mistake by then doing Part 2 the following year -- trading Rice for Shandon Anderson and Howard Eisley, each of whom had outrageous contracts. In the span of 18 months, the Knicks parlayed $16M of expiring contract into $75M of long-term obligation. The Knicks are in the shithouse today thanks to that brilliant strategy by Scott Layden, the former GM.

NBA Honorable Mention: In 1993, that fat, bloated dipshit Don Nelson traded the draft rights to Anfernee Hardaway and 3 first round picks ('96, '98, '00) to the Orlando Magic for Chris Webber. Within 1 season, that fat, bloated dipshit traded Webber away to the Washington Bullets/Wizards for Tom Gugliotta. If you're going to trade a #1 overall draft pick and 3 future 1st rounders after 1 season and all you get back is Googs, man, you should never work in this league again. It should be noted that the Golden State Warriors have not made the playoffs since that trade. Again, how is that fat, bloated dipshit still working in the NBA?

Question of the Day

Mo's recent rants about Giambi raises an interesting question: In each sport, what is the worst free agent signing of all time?

It's a little early in the morning for me to be particularly brilliant, but here's my stab at it:

NBA: Penny Hardaway to Phoenix. This narrowly beats out Grant Hill to Orlando, if only because we saw hints of a Hill resurgence this season. Penny was so critically important to the Magic's meteoric rise in the mid-90s; his move to the desert was so hyped - and then THUD! Today, we remember Li'l Penny better than we do his real-life, larger counterpart.

MLB: I'm going to go with a more obscure one - Jeffrey Hammonds to the Brewers in 2001. Perhaps the quintessential bad signing by a low-market team without margin for error. After Hammonds hit .335 with 20 homers and 106 rbi in only 454 at-bats in 2000, Milwaukee rewarded him with a three-year, $21.75 million deal - hardly chump change for a team that was just moving into its new ballpark and had not yet found the extra cash lying around to spend as freely as some of its rivals. What someone failed to tell the Brewers' brass is that Hammonds collected those stats while playing in Colorado. Sure enough, he only mustered a .247 average in 2001 in only 174 ABs, and .257 in 448 ABs in 2002. He never hit more than 9 homers in Milwaukee before being cut early in the 2003 campaign. A complete waste of money and energy for a team that could afford to waste neither.

NFL: I'm coming up with blanks. Any suggestions?

Onterrio Smith turns Playmaker script into Reality

For those of you who didn’t see the news, RB Onterrio Smith of the Minnesota Vikings was found at the airport with dried urine, and “cleansing” pills so that he can beat the NFL’s drug tests.
Check out the link if you want.
http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=2057990

The first thing I thought of was the “Piss-Man” on the short-lived Playmaker series on ESPN. A RB on that show (who also has long hair and likes marijuana and other drugs, just like Onterrio), beat the system by using clean piss. The “Piss-Man” is this guy who literally watches you as you piss to make sure the sample comes from your body. Of course, the “Piss-Man” doesn’t know that you injected yourself with clean piss, or in Onterrio’s case, injected yourself with clean, powdered piss.

This story creates a lot of questions, and I’ll do my best to answer them:
1) Why was Smith carrying around this apparatus in April?
The article says that since he’s a repeat offender, Smith is tested “up to 10 times a month for the next 2 years.”

2) Why would you ever take it to the airport with you?
My only thinking is, Smith was personally delivering this apparatus to make some extra money. If I’m in the business of selling clean piss, I would want a celebrity to endorse my product, and Onterrio Smith would be a great, affordable choice. Smith claims it was for “his cousin.” By cousin, he definitely means customers.

3) Why did he have a bottle of pills labeled “cleansing formula?”
The only possible reason is that he also had pills that were labeled, “Illegal NFL Steroids.”

4) Why don’t baseball players ever get caught like this?
First, baseball just started it’s testing system. Give it time. Second, the reason baseball players don’t get caught with dried piss, is that they can hide it inside their baseball bats, which get shipped by the team for each road trip.

Eureka! Deodorant!

I've found a solution to the stench of death that is Jason Giambi.

As blogged here yesterday (with a nod to Bloody Gamebreak for the link), Giambi's career is dying a slow death. Cashman and Torre broached the subject of demoting Giambi to the minor leagues to "get things straightened out" which is team-speak for "you suck shit and you're bringing us down!"

I have devised a solution -- a deodorant, if you will, for covering up the stench coming from Giambi's corner of the clubhouse.

Giambi is owed $80M for the next 3 full seasons. Boss Steinbrenner should call up his investment banker (I am actually on a first-name basis with him -- he was my professor this past semester) and work out a $30M loan in order to buy Giambi out of his contract. That $30M represents 37.5% of the Yankees' total obligation to Giambi which should pass muster with the union. It doesn't violate any of the collective bargaining provisions (I just read the CBA so I'll spare you the minutiae) so the only impediments to this plan are a) Boss agreeing to pay the buyout and b) Giambi agreeing to accept the buyout.

If Boss amortizes the $30M over 360 payment periods (monthly payments for 30 years, just like a mortgage) at 4.45%, he'll be giving Giambi a monthly check for $151,115.63. I think Giambi, who's stolen plenty of money from Boss already, should be quite pleased with sitting at his house doing nothing while collecting 100K every month. Getting this low-interest loan shouldn't be a problem since Boss has great credit and a very robust revenue profile to borrow against.

Boss can secure this loan with a fraction of his gate revenue or he can sell an interest in the team to another limited partner. Since his team is worth an approximate $830M (Forbes, 2004), it shouldn't be too hard to get an investment bank or insurance company to fork over $16.6M for a 2% limited interest. Hell, he'll need to sell more than that to future investors for his construction of a new Yankee Stadium in 2010.

Deodorant Won't Mask That Stench

My buddy Bloody Gamebreak sent me this story:

ESPN.com: Page 2 : Cancun is full of good cheer

And my response to him was that this should surprise no one...

It's been that way for years. It goes back to 2002 when Giambi got here. He hasn't been the player he was in Oakland, even with those back-to-back 41 homer seasons in '02 and '03. He's the single-biggest reason why we're not a championship team anymore. Even without the benefit of hindsight, Giambi's arrival beckoned a fundamental change in how the Yankees approached at-bats and how they approached the game. Giambi is nothing short of the worst free agent acquisition in baseball history, given the money he's being paid and the dearth of production the Yanks have received from him (not even factoring in the 'roids fiasco and all the games he's missed). I have hated him from Day 1 and I honestly wish he'd just go away already. He's like the stench of death in that locker room.

Summer Reading

Well its officially Summer and by officially I mean its finally above 70 here in Columbus for more than a few hours. As such with classes winding down I figured I would do a public service announcment and provide link a book review to the latest hit baseball book:

Three Nights in August

this of course is a nice antithesis to the previously discussed:
Moneyball

(the link is an interesting series of discussions between Rob Neyer and James Surowiecki about Moneyball and Billy Beane) Nonetheless I figure with the summer upcoming everyone could use a little bit more reading material and what better way to announce cool sports books than via blogging...

The Downward Spiral Continues for Barry

If true, I'm curious to see how Barry blames the media for this one

What's Vegas' odds of Barry playing again now....

Shut Your Piehole! #3

"I've taken a lot of crap from a lot of people. Probably more than anybody in the history of this sport. I know Hank [Aaron] and Jackie [Robinson] took a good deal of crap, but I guarantee it wasn't for six years"

Who said this? None other than the sports world's most notorious bigot, John Rocker.

Do I need to explain why this quote is so asinine? John Rocker, you should have shut your piehole six years ago!

Boxeo!

This blog usually sticks to football, baseball and basketball. I'm going to throw boxing out there just because I know that not too many of our readers are big fight fans.

This week, Bernard "The Executioner" Hopkins signed on to fight Jermain Taylor on July 16th at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. For those of you that don't know (and I assume that's most of you), we may be witnessing the end of an era here. Hopkins may retire after this fight with a 47-2-1 record and an unheard-of 21 successful title defenses. That's just plain amazing! Hopkins hasn't always received the press and was never as glamorous as Sugar Shane Moseley, Felix Trinidad or Oscar De La Hoya but he's the best fighter on the planet and has been for quite some time. For those of you in the NY area, I'll be ordering this fight on PPV because a Hopkins fight is always fun to watch. He's not afraid to mix it up and he loves kicking ass. This should be a great one.

Have a good weekend.

Early Bird Catches the Worm

As you regular readers well know I typically post my column on Sundays or Mondays. Partly because thats in my contract, partly because much like a 6 pack of High Life it must be aged to perfection and partly because I easily draw on the likes of Norman Chad, Peter King, and host of other sports reporters for inspiration/ entertainment/ criticisms. However I decided this week to post early? Why? Well partly because its Cinco de Mayo and like the title states : The early bird catches the worm (albeit tequilla). Now I know what all of you are saying: doesn't tequilla make you pass out, be carried out of a concert by paramedics and keep you from reporting? And the answer is yes. Luckily today sports writers don't use what we like to call "facts". They can just make stuff up (Mitch Alboum) or re-hash what everyone already knows (Peter King) or just repeat made up stuff (Peter Gammons). The shame of it, is that at least Peter Gammons is unaware when he makes stuff up (David Brooks on the other hand is a liar liar pants on fire...Oh how I loathe David Brooks). Anyway see if you can pick out the date, player or person.

1) Young, immature player quits on team during playoffs. Sure he could've played but he had a tummy ache. So the coach sent him to home to sit in his room think about what he had done.

Answer: Khame Brown
Kwame is the archtype of why high schoolers shouldn't be drafted directly into the NBA. The hype/potential never matched reality. Bad attitude, not enough guidance/teaching and maybe not as good as advertised. Kwame and most of that class of high schoolers (see Desagna Diop) are why high schoolers playing everyday in the NBA is bad for the league and bad for the kids. Maybe if they had a little college tutoring they would have longer and more productive careers and we wouldn't have to watch their painful growth.

2) Baseball dynasty falling flat on its face. Multiple hall of famers rendered as mere mortal. New Yorkers up in arms threatening to destroy frankstein monster.

Answer: You could actually pick either this year or 1965. 1965 the Yankee dynasty free fell out of playoff contention. Then a number of the superstars seemed to fall apart all at once leaving New Yorkers to focus on defeating the Frankstein Monster that was ransacking Midtown (later the monster was rehabbed, took on the name Peter Boyle, and starred in his autobiography Young Frankstein.

Today Yankees fans don't have that kind of distraction. Also in many cases its more than just a few aging superstars but crappy personnel decisions. Wright over Lieber? Signing "Flash" Gordon? Usually in the MLB when a team goes into a tailspin it can sell its veteran talent and get younger. Who are the Yanks going to sell their talent to and who would take it? Nope Georgie boy is going to have eat the Giambi contracts of the world and either push that ridiculous budget even higher or wait awhile for re-tooling.

3) Cleveland sports player injured. Hopes destroyed for any sembalance of winning.

Answer. If you had answered any year between 1970 and today you would be correct.

2005 NHL Playoff Preview

I woke up the other day and realized that something is missing in my life. I enjoy the NBA Playoffs as much as I can, but – where oh where is my beloved NHL overtime playoff games? Seriously, nothing captivates a small percentage of the young, white male audience than an OT hockey game. So, I figure now is a good a time as ever to unveil my…

2005 NHL Playoff Preview

United States Conference
Under the new rules, there are 2 conferences – US & Canadian. The winners play to decide who gets the Stanley Cup. Everyone plays each other during the season, it’s just that 4 out of 6 Canadian teams make the playoffs – and 1 of them is always in the finals. This way, the ratings play off the heated US-Canadian rivalry.
1 – Tampa Bay vs. 8- NY Rangers – Miraculously, the Rangers high-priced team of Jagr, Holik, and Goalie Mike Dunham actually make the playoffs. Unfortunately, they run into the tiny scoring dynamo of Martin St. Louis, as well as Lecavalier, and Redhawk alumnus Dan Boyle.
Pick: Tampa in 4

4- New Jersey vs. 5- Philadelphia –
These 2 bitter rivals square off once again. NJ still has Niedermeyer & Brodeur, Philly uses Tony Amonte, Jeremy Roenick, and a cast of goons. Unfortunately, after the strike was resolved, 5-game suspensions become automatic for fighting, and the Flyers end up having to use 8 minor leaguers in the crucial game 7 due to everyone else being suspended.
Pick: New Jersey in 7

2-Detroit vs. 7-St. Louis -
Everyone is wondering how the Red Wings will do without Steve Yzerman, who retires after the strike, as well as Chris Chelios. Goalie Curtis Joseph still comes back to redeem himself from 2004’s playoff collapse. Luckily, they draw the St. Louis Blues, who use a different goalie every year in their quest to lose in the 1st round each year. This year, the Blues use Patrick Lalime to their disadvantage, as they blow a 3-1 lead and lose in 7 games.
Pick: Detroit in 7

3- Colorado vs. 6 –Dallas -
Everyone is back for the Avs – Forsberg, Sakic, Kariya, Selanne (Patrick Roy retired before last season). Dallas still brings Mike Modano and Pierre Turgeon back for one last ride. It sure is a short ride though.
Pick: Colorado in 5

2nd round
Tampa over New Jesey – Khabibulin taunts Brodeur into fighting, knowing that without Brodeur, the Devils are doomed.
Colorado over Detroit– Bitter rivals square off. Unfortunately, Curtis Joseph gets banished from the city of Detroit after his bad play.

Canadian Conference
2- Toronto – vs. 3 – Montreal –
All the fans in Canada go crazy as the Leafs finally battle the Canadiens in the playoffs. Looting breaks out after just the first victory by Toronto. Toronto’s roster is focused on the stars of EA Sports NHL ’94 – as they have Mats Sundin, Owen Nolan, Mogilny, Brian Leetch, Joe Nieuwendyk, and Ed Belfour. Montreal counters with a younger team led by the invincible Koivu and Goalie Jose Theodore. After an exciting series, it all comes down to game 7, where the Maple Leafs happen to have saved up enough speed bursts to take down the Canadiens.
Pick: Toronto in 7

1- Ottawa vs. 4- Calgary–Calgary has 2004 stars Jarome Iginla and goalie Martin Kirprusoff. Hasek is on the Ottawa Senators, and only plays 41 games during the year, just the home games, and ends up going 40-1 in those games. The Ottawa Senators are the highest scoring team in the league, and they don’t even need Hasek on the road in this series.
Pick: Ottawa in 6

Conference Finals
Tampa over Colorado – Colorado goalie Aebischer just can’t come up with enough saves. Colorado then immediately trades half of its team to start over after Sakic & Forsberg retire.
Ottawa over Toronto - After Toronto loses, they declare that if your goalie isn’t Canadian, you can’t be in the Candian Conference starting next season.

NHL Finals – Ottawa over Tampa
Unfortunately, there are no Leafs or Canadiens, or major US markets involved. Nonetheless, the ratings are double what they were in 2004 due to the exciting new camera angles and the promotions that allow fans who watch hockey to win free kegs of beer. The ratings are also very high due to the exciting Canada vs. US format.
In the end, Hasek wins another championship with the Ottawa Senators, and promptly declares his 4th retirement from the NHL.

Can't Resist Taking A Shot At Rocker

Rocker got into it with a fan the other day. The best part is Rocker's account of what happened (excerpted below)

* * *

As Rocker left the field, Dave Macken of Atlantic City, a Surf fan sitting near the visitors dugout, yelled, "It's a long way from Atlanta." Rocker replied, "I'm still a millionaire" and followed with profanity, Macken told The Press of Atlantic City. Macken said the two then exchanged profanities. Rocker recalled the exchange differently. "Call me what you want, but don't start cussing at me like that," he was quoted as telling the paper. "That's just wrong."

* * *

I don't know, maybe it's just me but I find this really amusing. Rocker says "call me what you wan't but don't start cussing at me..." Uh, John, the fan called you what he wanted to call you by cussing at you.

http://msn.foxsports.com/mlb/story/3591302

I'm STILL in an ornery mood...

Woke up feeling bloodthirsty today. The only way I can cure my thirst is a demonic chant...

"FI-URE TORRE" (clap-clap-clap-clap-clap)
"FI-URE CASHMAN" (clap-clap-clap-clap-clap)

I don't want to seem ungrateful for what Joe has done for the Yanks over the past 10 years. Torre was a good manager when we were at the top. He possesses all the right attributes that a manager must when things are going well -- he's loyal, patient and he shields his players from distractions, allowing them to operate at peak performance. He's a laid-back kind of guy and he lets his players police themselves without too much expected other than promptness and professionalism. For those that think it's easy to be a manager when things are going right, it's really not. There have been many teams that could never handle success the way the Yankees have and for that Joe is to be lauded for a job well done. The Mets of the 80's are a great example of what happens when you don't have a manager equipped to run the ship in calm seas (Davey Johnson). Ditto the Mets of the 90's (Bobby Valentine)...

I'm not so high on Cashman. I think a GM's job is much easier than a manager's when you have a lot of money and a good team. Since the manager isn't responsible for anything but the on-field product, I can't blame Joe for the complete collapse of our scouting and development departments. Cashman's done a really lousy job managing our resources in the minors and running our international scouting. His failures extend too long for me to rehash. I won't even give him a pass since he works for Boss Steinbrenner. Steinbrenner may be demanding and he may be micromanaging the big-ticket purchases (ARod, Sheffield, Matsui) but I seriously doubt that Steinbrenner gets too interested in the small-potatoes transactions (Quantrill, Karsay, Stanton, part deux...). Cashman needs to answer for why he thought that this bullpen was going to perform. The bullpen's performance since 2002 has been utterly unacceptable and is a direct reflection of Cashman's inability to evaluate talent.

It's so time to get rid of these guys.

Calling Lou Piniella -- Mr. Piniella, would you please pick up the white courtesy phone?

I'm in an ornery mood...

...so it brings me a certain amount of malevolent pleasure to report that Kellen Winslow II was hurt in a motorcycle accident last night. I should say that I'm glad it wasn't fatal since I don't root for people's deaths.

But...

Winslow is another example of an NFL player who behaves like a jerk 24/7. He is a Grade A arrogant scumbag that flaunts and taunts and showboats but hasn't attained the level of success in real life that he has in his own fantasy land taking place in that barren space between his ears. I hope Romeo takes Winslow's contract and runs it through the paper shredder.

PS -- I'm also pretty pleased that Kerry Wood is down for the count again. I'm still scratching my head as to why the Cubs let Matt Clement walk when they probably should've known that Wood and Prior are pretty fragile fellows and that the likelihood of both being healthy enough for 35 starts was a pretty remote one. It seems to me that Clement's $25M contract with Boston would've been a good insurance policy to pay for the Cubs.

PPS -- Mikey/Hart, no hard feelings that I'm ripping on your clubs today. It's nothing personal, I can assure you. I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed today and I'm in the mood to shred pro athletes this morning.

Third and Inches

This is too funny...

SportsPickle

Statistics

Here's a little statistic sampling taken from Peter Gammons' recent article. While I loathe Gammons, I'm a big fan of statistics , especially pointing out problems. For example this batch analyzes winning percentage in April as a predictor of making the playoffs. The problem is that this data goes back to 1976. Obviously there are far more playoff slots now than there were in 1976. Also I would factor in the recent trend of mid-season trends (specifically by wealthy teams purchasing small market talent) as a complicating factor . As such the numbers I think are probably not representative of recent trends (e.g. not reliable) nonetheless interesting fodder for discussion. Any of the teams slated to making the playoffs you see taking a nose dive? Any team in the ratpack going to claw its way back?

May 1 winning pct.; teams, made playoffs, pct.	Teams heading into Sunday
Over .700; 13, 10, 77%	White Sox
.600-.700; 46, 24, 52%	Cardinals, Orioles, Twins, Marlins, Dodgers
.550-.599; 39, 16, 41%	Braves, D-Backs
.500-.549; 42, 11, 26%	Angels, Red Sox, Nationals, Cubs, A's, Giants, Mariners, Blue Jays, Tigers
.450-.499; 36, 8, 22%	Rangers, Padres, Mets
.400-.44; 36, 2, 6%	Yankees, Phillies, Reds, Astros, Brewers
Under .400; 54, 1, 2%	Indians, Devil Rays, Pirates, Rockies, Royals

May Day

Today, May First, as you all know is May Day. May Day of course, began long ago as a Spring Festival. People would dance around the May Pole, sing songs and occasionally have a communist revolution or two. May Day also represents the begining of summer. Tommorow of course here in Columbus the high will be about 45 degrees. This is not summer. The following people I blame for my lack of warm weather and as such not being able to dance around a May Pole: Don Rickles, Antoin Scalia, Joe Torre, Republicans in general and the 1985 Denver Broncos.

Now that my rant is out of the way May Day is also an occasion to look back at some predictions:

1) Wrong - Baltimore in First Place in the AL East by 4 games. Yeah I don't feel really bad about this one cause nobody (let me repeat that NOBODY) predicted that Baltimore would be in first place this century. When did Brian Roberts get this good? You think Oakland and self proclaimed ubergenius Billy Beane wonders if he should've let Tejada go while keeping Chavez? I have no idea if they could've kept Tejada but right now he is the best Shortstop in the game and right now he's my MVP

2) Right - NL West would be interesting. I know this isn't much of a prediction but frankly the NL West is usually boring and occasionally annoying (see previous posts on the public relations darling that is Barry Bonds). However this year LA is winning after predictions that its GM had run it into the ground. Arizona was given up for dead (raise your hand if you predicted Brandon Lyons leading the league in saves. your a liar Hart). San Fran is treading water waiting for the return of Bonds. Could be a wonderful race come September

3) Right - The Cubbies would have bullpen problems. Not rocket science here but sometimes a single does the job. The Cubs bullpen was bad last year. They did nothing to get it better in the offseason. The only thing Latroy Hawkins can close is a door, and frankly right now that is up for debate. I expect the Cubs to try and buy some bullpen but it might be too little too late.

4) Wrong - I expected several NFL GMs to have Drew Rosenhaus killed or at least beaten up. This, as far as I know, has not happened yet. Rosenhaus is the agent behind a number of NFL players holding out in hopes of a better contract (i.e. TO, Santana Moss, Ruben Droughns, Sean Taylor, etc) Now football will always have these type problems since contracts are not guarenteed. However wouldn't it be nice if Drew used his super skills for a noble cause like people who work for Wallmart rather than a prima donna like TO (a man who cried that his contract only gave him millions of dollars . what else does he want? a few goats?)

5) Up for Grabs - My original prediction of Spurs v. Heat way back in umm November. Could still happen. Assuming Ron Artest and/or Monthra does not destroy one of those teams. Stay tuned.

New York Sports Report

A bunch of issues to rip on this morning...

1. The New York Knicks should absolutely NOT even consider hiring PJ Carlesimo as their next head coach. The guy was a complete failure in 6 seasons at Portland and Golden State (183-222 in the regular season, 3-9 in the playoffs). I also think the incident with Sprewell back in 1998 is a good enough reason to disqualify him for life from being a head coach. I know most people out there think Sprewell is a sociopath and that Carlesimo was just the poor guy caught up in that mess but I am pretty certain that PJ was pressing buttons that day. Do I believe in a head coach using any and every method at his disposal to teach and motivate his players? Yes I do. But I'm sure PJ crossed the line and probably said something that African-Americans across the country would deem offensive. We don't need a guy that brings negative baggage to a team and a city that thrives on negative press. Here's a novel idea -- why not just keep Herb Williams and take the interim tag off his title? He's been with the franchise since 1993, he's got the respect of his players and the fans all love him. Instead of bringing in a re-tread or trying to get a high-profile guy, let's try and do things the right way. This team isn't winning in the next 4 years. Let's let Herb make his bones here.

2. George Steinbrenner should get on the phone and call the team's lawyer and CFO. Find out what it costs to fire Torre and Cashman and then write the check to do it. The Yanks are no longer responding to the kindly old man (Torre) and it's clear as day that Cashman is a shitty talent evaluator (Wright? Womack? Quantrill? Karsay? Felix Rodriguez? Mike Stanton, part deux?). As much as I love Jeter and Tino, they're among the few on the team that truly want to win (Rivera, Posada, Bernie, Sheff and Matsui are the only others) and I don't think they command the clubhouse respect to get through to losers like Mussina and Giambi. Those two douchebags are happy to show up to work sucking ass. What do they care? They're rich enough and they prefer the tee-times on the west coast in early October.

2a. For those of you who actually believe that firing Torre would be unfair because a) he's a good manager, b) it's not his fault the team is playing like shit or c) some combination of the first two...get real. Any team that doesn't fire its head coach and GM in the face of the biggest playoff collapse in sports history (and to its biggest rival) is completely f-ing up its priorities. What do you suppose would happen if Coke's share price, market share and earnings all went in the shitter in the same year that Pepsi's share price, market share and earnings all went up? Coke's shareholders would raise holy hell at the annual meeting. That's what SHOULD'VE happened last November. Throw in the fact that Torre grossly mismanaged Games 4-5 in the ALCS (pop quiz Joe, there's a knuckleballer on the mound and he's throwing wild pitches, what do you do? RUN ON HIM, you f-ing moron!) and that he doesn't ever light a fire under the asses of underperforming players and you have a recipe for a team called "Complacency and Boredom -- Exhibit A"

3. While we're busy firing people, Giants GM Ernie Accorsi should be sent packing too. The Giants are like your grandpa -- solid, dependable, well-respected in the community but too goddamn old-fashioned to be taken seriously anymore. This goes back about 15 years to when George Young was in charge. Do you remember George Young? He wore Kennedy-era glasses (the kind with the black frame on top like Michael Douglas wore in "Falling Down"). He personally hired Accorsi from the Browns to be his successor. Between the two of them, we have more botched drafts, bad signings, poor coaching hires, salary cap problems and free agent defections than anyone but the Chicago Bears. When they signed Jim Miller to be Eli's backup, it might have been a good idea to ask something like, "So, Jim, planning any major surgery in the near future?" Miller's done for the year with hip surgery this week. Nice backup QB guys.

Shut Your Piehole! #2

Last night on SportsCenter, Greg Anthony was asked what Memphis should have learned from losing the first two games of its playoff series to the Phoenix Suns. His response:

"Well, they learned that they cannot try and beat Phoenix at their game. They're not going to outscore, outrun the Suns..."

The Suns' game is to outscore the other team? Memphis isn't going to win the outscoring contest? Well shit...guess we may as well call the rest of the series off! After all, Memphis is winless this year when their opponents score more points than they do.

Greg Anthony - Shut Your Piehole!

The Worst Comebacks from Retirement

After the Washington Redskins gave up multiple draft picks to draft a questionable QB (Campbell from Auburn) who has the IQ of Forrest Gump, I asked myself, “What the hell is Joe Gibbs doing?” They have 1st round money locked up with Ramsey, AND they are spending $8 million a year on Mark Brunell, who they traded for the previous year. That’s a lot of resources they are using for QB.

So I then decided to countdown the
WORST Comebacks from Retirement.

I’m trying to focus on people who really went out on top, or had great reputations, only to have completely forgettable performances when coming out of retirement.

Editor’s Note: I am bound to leave many off this list, so don’t feel insulted. Please just post any others you can think of.

5. Joe Gibbs, 2004
It’s still up in the air at this point, considering it’s only his 2nd year back. Nonetheless, if you go out after winning 3 super bowls, it’s going to be hard to gain that glory back. Especially when you haven’t picked up a copy of “Idiot’s Guide to the Salary Cap.”

4. Michael Jordan’s 2nd comeback w/ the Wizards
This was just ridiculous from the get-go. Asking “what 2 teams did MJ play for?” is perhaps a funny trivia question, because he also played for that Chicago White Sox minor league team.

3. Magic Johnson, 1995 or 1996?
I already have tried to block this from my money. If memory serves me right, he also tried being the coach for 15 games after “The Magic Show” got cancelled.

2. “Cosby” 1996
After “The Cosby Show” went out on top in the early ‘90s, Bill Cosby decided to do the show again – on the WB. Let’s just say this idea was about as good as doing Leonard Part 6.

1. Herb Brooks, 2002 Olympic Hockey Team
Brooks coached the 1980 US Olympic Hockey Team to the gold medal in what’s known as the “Miracle on Ice”. Brooks decided to coach NHL players in 2002, the first time pro players participated. The US team failed to medal, and trashed their hotel rooms in order to make sure that more countries knew how obnoxious Americans really are. I’m still trying to gain the rights to this story in order to make a movie I will call - “Debacle” ---- a sequel to Disney’s “Miracle” movie.

NFL Draft

Ok, so I never actually made it to a computer to log on and post from the NFL draft but here's what went on...

I checked in at the staff desk at 8:40 on Saturday morning. I was fully pumped up to be working the greatest non-sports sports event in the world. As I signed in and received my credential for the day, Mel Kiper walks by. He's skinnier and punier than you'd think. It's true, TV adds 10 lbs. His hair was perfect.

After getting the rundown on what I'd be doing, my team of 4 was walked through the bowels of the Jacob Javits Convention Center. I got to see the corporate hospitality suites, the Fan Draft Room, the actual draft room (I thought about stealing a Browns helmet-phone but thought it might be career-suicide), and the green room.

After the walk-through, my little team of 4 stood outside, getting all the meat-heads to sign waiver forms to get into the event. That was the best part of the day. Hanging out with diehard football fans is one of the great things about this country. Soccer diehards are a bunch of hooligans who maim and kill based on ethnic, racial and religious grounds. Football diehards get together and chant "Dallas Sucks!" over and over until it gets old. Walking the crowd, a bunch of people called me out with a "Hey! There's Kurt Warner!" (yes, I admit, I look a little like Kurt Warner).

After getting everyone to fill out waivers, I helped out on getting the draft invitees and their families/possees into the green room. Now I'm a big guy (6'2" 265) but I felt like these guys could kick my ass blindfolded.

My shift ended at 11 AM and I got to hang out in the draft room for a while, just taking it all in. I got a gift bag for my efforts, to boot! All in all, a lot of fun.

The greatest Non-Sport Sport Event

I heard this line repeated a lot by ESPN. The NFL Draft is the greatest Non-Sport Sport Event. Is there really any other non-sport sport event? There's the NBA lottery pick. That's kind of cool for those of like watching Isiah Thomas smile or watch whoever the GM at the moment in Golden States as he/she/it rubs a lucky rabbit foots. There's also Congress yelling at browbeating baseball players far more than they were towards people (and I use that in the loosest of terms) from Enron.

Nonetheless here's a few thoughts from the draft:
1) I like what the Cleveland Browns did. Now this of course is relative to what they did under the tyrannical rule of Emperor Butch Davis the First (a man whose head is so far up his ass, we can't tell if he's speaking or farting). Nonetheless they addressed positions of need but didn't force it (e.g. went for the best value). Now I think there is a fair debate as to Mike WIlliams v. Brayleon Edwards. Edwards does have a penchant for dropping the ball but I like going to Edwards because of the speed. Speed forces safeties to commit which opens up the middle of the field for a TE (namely Winslow). I typically think its rough grading a draft right away (remember how the Eagles were panned for drafting corners even though they had 2 great ones.) but all in all a good day for the Browns

2) Craziest draft strategy was a race between Washington and Detroit. I'm not going to directly attack either. Mike Williams could be all that in which case Detroit is sitting pretty (assuming they have a quarterback that understands you need to get the ball to receivers on the fly not on one bounce) however 3 first round drafts on receivers is a risky thing. Washington gave up a hell of a lot for Jason Campbell. The rumors going around about Campbell is that he had a wonderlic score of 7 . Reading comic books let alone defenses is tough with a score like that.

3) Solid draft I have to give to Baltimore, Dallas and Minnesota. All got high qualities and addressed needs

4) Changing gears..is anyone suprised Jaret Wright got injured? And do the Yanks have anyone to replace him? As I said in an earlier post (not to tute my own horn, at least not in public) Yanks are injury prone and I'm not sure how well they can sustain those losses.

5) Its still April but if the Dodgers end up running away with NL West let alone the NL theres a lot of baseball prognasticators thatll need to do public apologies

6) I remember when some NBA pundits laughed when Detroit said they didn't want Carmello Anthony because Tayshoun Prince was that good. Nobody should be laughing now (well maybe over Darko) but as an all around team player its a good question who would rather want on your playoff team Prince or Anthony.

NBA Playoff Preview

I’m going to try my hardest not to mention a certain team that had one of the worst collapses in NBA History. With that said, let’s get to the matchups!

Eastern Conference
#1 Miami vs. #8 New Jersey
-As long as Shaq is healthy, the Heat should be fine. There’s just no way that New Jersey can match up to the frontcourt of the Heat’s. Vinsanity Carter has been playing out of his mind, but so has Dwayne Wayne Wade.
Pick: Miami

#4 Chicago vs. #5 Washington
This will be a very entertaining series. It’s a shame that Curry can no longer play for the Bulls, as well as Deng, and that should be enough for Washington to move to the next round. Larry Hughes is healthy and playing great, and Washington (Golden State East) – with Jamison, Hughes, and Arenas should be able to move to the next round. If the Wizards had Earl Boykins there's no telling how far they could go.
Pick: Washington

#2 Detroit vs. #7 Philly
-This will be the series when everyone realizes that Webber is completely useless defensively. Iverson’s been playing great, but the Pistons have too many ways to just punish the 76ers.
Pick: Detroit

#3 Boston vs. #6 Indiana
-Why do these 2 teams keep playing each other? It seems like its every year at this point. Coach Carlisle has his guys playing great. If O’Neal and Tinsley come back, the Pacers should win this one. In addition, Reggie Miller has found the fountain of youth of late, averaging near 20 ppg.
Pick: Indiana

Miami vs. Washington – Miami – It’s been a great ride for the Wizards (and the heartbroken Golden State Warrior fans), but they will just be out of their league at this point.
Pick: Miami

Detroit vs. Indiana – If you ever expected a media circus, this will be the series! I’m expecting that by game 3, all games will move into the “Steel Cage” format. There’s no other way to keep everyone safe. It would be great- players chasing loose balls, crashing into the cage. Now, the ultimate question- “Is Ron Artest allowed to watch the game from the stands?”. Ultimately, I’m going with the Pistons.
Pick: Detroit

Miami vs. Detroit – The matchup everyone wants. But in the end, Never doubt Shaq. Unless he’s injured (which apparently, he is at the time I’m writing this!).
Pick: Detroit

Western Conference
#1 Phoenix vs. #8 Memphis –
Oh yeah. Run-n-gun Phoenix marches in as the top seed. It’s very exciting. I had them as a surprise team to make the playoffs- but never to be this good.
Pick: Phoenix

#4 Dallas vs. #5 Houston
The Mavs actually figured out a decent rotation and have been playing some great ball. I wonder if more teams will create a semi-internship for prospective coaches, like they did with Avery Johnson. I'd sign up for that. I still don’t think that Houston has figured out how to use Yao appropriately.
Pick: Dallas

#2 San Antonio vs. #7 Denver –
This might be the most intriguing series. Denver has been the best team in the league since hiring George Karl. The funny thing is, the Spurs have a knack for drawing teams that will give them problems, like suddenly having the Lakers in the 2nd round last year. I’m assuming that Duncan will find a way, though I’m extremely tempted to go with Denver. Boykins.
Pick: San Antonio

#3 Seattle v. #6 Sacramento
This is the series no one wants to see. Seattle just hit the wall the last couple of months and has not been playing that well. Meanwhile, Sacramento has tons of injuries. I’m not sure who will have anything left. I’m sticking with Ray Allen in a contract year.
Pick: Seattle

Phoenix vs. Dallas
This will be an incredible series - Steve Nash versus his old team. In addition, these 2 teams have been playing great and both play fast-paced offensive-minded games. I really don’t think that Dirk will be able to handle guarding Amare. If it wasn’t for Lebron, Amare would be hyped more than anyone else in the league.
Pick: Phoenix

San Antonio vs. Seattle
This is the series where everyone will be wondering how Seattle won 52 games without any frontcourt depth. There’s just no way Seattle could survive this matchup, short of them shooting 50% from the 3-point land like they did for the first 3 months of the season.
Pick: San Antonio

Phoenix vs. San Antonio
All season long, the Spurs have just manhandled the Suns because they just wear down Nash by making him run through a lot of picks. Then, Nash is out of energy on the offensive end. It’s strange how other teams don’t watch game film. There's talk of Nash winning MVP but the man can't play defense at all.
Pick: San Antonio

NBA Finals
San Antonio vs. Detroit
Yes, I’m sticking with my pre-season pick. Ultimately though, I’m going with Duncan, Parker, and Manu. I’m expecting Larry Brown to retire during Game 2, and then the Pistons will lose out the series. The hardest thing about this pick- the Spurs surviving the 1st round against the Nuggets!
Pick: San Antonio

Peter Gammons: Bombast and Stupidity (Part I)

Ever since Mikey invited me to become a regular contributor to "Back Seat Drivers" I've wanted to come up with an idea for a regular column that I could put out once a week that would have enough material to last for a while. I think I've come up with that idea. I will now put out a weekly column entitled Peter Gammons: Bombast and Stupidity. As you can imagine from the title, it will focus on my least favorite baseball writer and all of the totally ridiculous things he says as a paid employee of ESPN (a media source rivaling Tom DeLay for moronic viewpoints and self-absorption). So without further ado, I bring you Part I of my new column...

Peter Gammons keeps a list by his bedside tables of players that he loves and thinks of as "wonderful human beings." For starters, I've never been interested to know who Gammons considers a humanitarian because I'm reading or watching him for his "insight" on baseball, not on updates on the Nobel Peace Prize selection proceedings. Beyond that, Gammons gets fixated on players for one reason or another and won't let them out of his death-grip of latent fetishistic desire (I'm trying to be PC here because I know I can be offensive sometimes). Anyway, one such player that Gammons has a hard-on for is Jim Edmonds. Sure, Edmonds has had a pretty nice career with 300 homers and a career .294 average but Gammons won't stop gushing about how Edmonds is one of the best fielders to have played the centerfield position. Oh really? Did anyone watch the Cubs-Cardinals game last night on ESPN2? Did anyone notice that not one, not two, but three balls landed in front of Edmonds and then got past him all the way to the wall? One of those hits was a triple by a fatty named Carlos Zambrano who, by the way, is a pitcher.

What I'm saying here is that Edmonds makes a nice highlight reel catch every now and again. In his younger days, he'd make spectacular grabs on a routine basis. Those days are long gone. Edmonds is now a player who benefited from McGwire's training regimen of steroids in the buttcheek at noon and cream on his shrinking nuts right before gametime. Fielding isn't as fun as hitting homers and it shows in Edmonds' game.

Gammons is stuck in a time-warp and babbles incessantly about wonderful Edmonds is in the field. All I ask is that the dean of baseball writers get his hand out of Edmonds' ass. Be careful there, Peter, any further up and you're going to lose your wristwatch.

Good Player Graveyard

That's what Yankee Stadium has become. In their most recent run to glory from 1996-2000, the Yanks could sign anyone and rejuvenate their careers for a week, a month, a season, just long enough to get the wins they needed. Now, players come to NY to die. Case in point: Randy Johnson.

I can't figure this out. Here's a guy who's been in the AL before. He's won and won big in the AL before. Sure, he's been in the NL for the last 5 1/2 years but hitters are hitters and a dominant pitcher shouldn't completely forget how to pitch just because he's changed leagues. Curt Schilling had a total of 5 AL starts in 1988-1989 before coming back to the junior circuit last year. He's old, he's brittle and he's found the AL to be no harder than the NL. The reason? Talent. I don't understand where Randy Johnson's talent has gone. All I know is that there must be a voodoo doll out there wearing Pinstripes. AEPi's softball team was better than the 2005 Yanks are right now.

PS -- Since I invoked AEPi's softball team, I felt the need to mention the following:

Todd Goren, if you can hear this, no one has forgiven you for dropping the third out on a routine popup at 2nd base in 1997. The very next pitch, Dave Forman of ZBT smacked Dazzlin' Dave Chatoff's meatball to the corner of Forsyth and Big Bend ON A FLY for the game winning grand slam.

Make a Brand New Start of It

Anyone else think that cutting the Shea Stadium outfield grass to look like the NYC skyline looks horrible?

(Mikey, help me out - how do I add a picture to this post?)

Questions, Questions

Well due to time constraints I have decided instead of my usual witty commentary merely to ask a number of quesitons to provoke and insult Also I'm asking questions because my contract forbids me from using fan mail as filler. So here we go

Mt. Steinbrenner?

Well the Yanks are off to a slow start. A-Rod, at least in the clutch, is almost as big of a choke as the Cavs are (don't even get me started on them). The pitching staff has been preocupied with social security changes and has been shelled. Lurking in the background if of course Grand Moff Steinbrenner (fear will keep this team in line, fear of this battlestation). So my question is how long until Steinbrenner use the Death Star against the Yankees and/or replaces them with cheap Chinese imports.

Baseball in DC?
Apparently they have baseball in the metro-DC area. In fact they have two teams now. Both are doing well. According to my inside sources (read listening to sports radio) Tejada is not only the best shortstop at the moment but has fully returned to his MVP playing form. Can this continue? Does he also play for the Nationals or has Bush just decreed that all Washington teams must win (I think that was following his decree that every second Sunday he gets a pony ride)

NFL Draft?
I have feeling that there's going to be a lot of wheeling and dealing. Lot of teams are looking to trade down, Minnesota has 2-3 opportunities to forget to draft a player and I think even Mo gets a compensatory draft pick in between rounds 2 -3. Where will the first trade be? Will da Bears do anything to help their team? Would it be humanly possible for the Browns to have a worse draft than last year (note last year at the end of the season the Browns had exactly 0 of last year's draft picks playing)

(On a final note I have been fairly impressed with the ChiSox retooled pitching staff but its also in my contract never ever to say anything nice about anything involving the South Side of Chicago).

Irresponsibility

If you tuned in to ESPN for any 7-second period on Thursday night, you saw a clip of the Gary Sheffield incident at Fenway Park. I'll hold off on my overall positive reaction to Sheffield's conduct and negative reaction to the asshole "fan" who instigated the whole affair - because I was most struck by Red Sox manager Terry Francona's impression of the evening:

“It’s the way it’s probably going to be,” Francona said. “We have two great teams and two great baseball cities and a lot of emotion.”

Huh?

This is the MANAGER of the Red Sox, the most-visible and most public face of the Red Sox office. That's all he has to say? No rebuke of the idiot who started this thing? No plea with Red Sox Nation to put a better face forward for the world to day? Nope - just a shrug of the shoulders. That's all we got.

Shame on you, Terry Francona. You have an obligation, as a leader, to set the right example. You failed miserably!

New England Safari

If anyone with an adventurous spirit wants to go to Africa on safari to check out wild animals, may I recommend a more affordable alternative -- New England. Specifically, if you'd like to observe the uncivilized plains and the untamed beasts, stop by Fenway Park. You might see drunken louts and savage fools and if you're really lucky, you might see them trying to kill one another.

For all the Yankee haters out there, I present something worse. Exhibit A: the complete imbecilic nature of the New England sports fan. Lets not confuse zeal for mental retardation, fellas.

NFL Draft Preview - Antrel vs. Samari

Well, the draft is about 10 days away. It’s time for a little analysis and predictions, of which I am not at all qualified to make. So certainly don’t gamble on any of these picks. I’m only going to highlight players that most of us know, so I’m only picking the...

Elite Eight

1. San Fran – Rodgers- QB – Cal
This guy will suck. I was excited to see this guy in the Bowl Game this January. He looked awful though. Balls were skipping into the receiver arms. It was like he had never read a non-Pac-10 defense. Actually, that was exactly the problem.
2. Miami – Ronnie Brown- RB– Auburn
Honestly, both of the Auburn RBs are awesome. You can’t go wrong with either. Either you take the smaller, faster Brown, or you’re driving a Cadillac.
3. Cleveland – Braylon Edwards -WR – Michigan
I pray that the Browns can trade down. Without any top talent available, the Browns will probably be stuck with this pick. I strongly believe the Browns are better off AVOIDING taking a QB (like Alex Smith of Utah) in the 1st round. I don’t think he’s that great of a prospect to command pick #3 money. In addition, the Browns are going to be horrible this year no matter what happens. Let Dilfer be the starter, pick up a QB in next year’s draft (or in one of the later rounds this year). Dilfer can hold down the fort for 2 years while the Browns win 5 and then 7 games the next 2 years. I really don’t think you need a top-5 QB to win. You just need smart scouting to pick a QB in a later round, or pluck a backup from some other team.
Now, as for Edwards, I don’t like him. I think he’s fast, but I don’t think he has the best hands. For some reason, I’ve seen him drop many balls. With the ball he’s dangerous. This has all the makings of a Quincy Morgan for the Browns – a tall, fast guy who just drops everything. I only can hope the Browns take Mike Williams if they opt for a WR.
4. Chicago – Cadillac Williams- RB – Auburn
5. Tampa Bay – some defensive player
I only know that Tampa gave up a lot of points last year.
6. Tennesee – Antrel Rolle- CB – Miami
I was reading an article last year detailing how utterly annoyed Antrel has been throughout his 4 years at Miami. Apparently, everyone thinks that he is related to Samari Rolle, who also was an All-American CB at Miami. They are not related at all, and Antrel is sick of explaining it, or so the story goes. Well, I think it's only DESTINY at this point for Antrel to replace Samari at Tennessee. Then, during the season, Antrel will take cheap shots at WRs who ask him how his big brother Samari is doing.
7. Minnesota – Mike Williams- WR – USC
See, IF the Browns decide to take a WR, this is the guy I would want. Everyone forgets just because Williams took the year off, but he was incredible at USC. If Minnesota gets Mike Williams, there might not be that much of a drop-off from the departed Randy Moss to Williams. Yes, I said Moss to Williams is not much of a drop-off. If the Vikings land Mike Williams they will win the division!
8. Arizona – Alex Smith- QB – Utah
QBs always have a way of finding their way to Coach Dennis Green. Yes, they have Kurt Warner now, but Green never hesitates on passing on a prospect. Green selected Culpepper, when Randall Cunningham was coming off an All-Pro year.

Why The Bulls Will Not Win The Championship

This morning, on SportsCenter, Mike Tirico asked Steve "Snapper" Jones and Bill Walton if there was an Eastern Conference team that could upset Miami and Detroit and reach the NBA Finals. Jones mentioned Indiana, saying that if Jermaine O'Neal is healthy, that team could make a serious run.

Walton's answer? "Chicago."

1 Week Down

Well the first week of baseball is in the books and we've learned absolutely nothing. Nonetheless a few thoughts, thinkings, musings on the past, present, future and Hart's choice in clothing.


1) What is about New York and forgetting about bullpens? The Yanks lynchpin in the form of Rivera has been rocked this week. Its unclear if he has a lot of rust, the mileage is finally catching up or Boston just has his number. Nonetheless for Yanks fans its troubling. That other New York Team seems to have blackhole instead of a bullpen. They might have a lead going in but once the bullpen takes over hope vanishes into the abyss. I, for one, think they should call up Mr. Met and put him in. Could he really do a worse job?

2) Parity? At one point that I'm writing this in the AL there is currently only one team thats two games under .500 (Boston). Thats pretty crazy. Did someone send out the memo confusing football with baseball? I'm not sure what this means and I doubt we'll have the same parity in July as we do in week 1 but remember this: a pennant is not won in April and May but it can be lost. The chances of winning the pennant when one has a losing record in the first few months is slightly lower than Hart wearing matching socks.

3) The Baby Bulls have been annointed by Bill Walton, which means they will obviously lose, possibly to the AEPi B team. However I wouldn't discount some upsets going on out West. Denver has been a tear since George Karl taught the kiddies how to play as a team and nobody wants to play them. While the NBA is typically has the most boring of the professional sport's playoffs, I'm looking foward to seeing how the run and gun offenses of Seattle, Phoenix and I'm told Boston do.

4) The NFL draft is coming up and if you can name who will be taken in the top ten slots you win a free hot dog (note hot dog will only be served with mustard and relish if you are in Chicago). It should be interesting as wheeling, dealing and the most importantly the Minnesota Vikings will all be present. Will Minnesota remember to draft someone? Will Mike Tice scalp his tickets to the draft in exchange for a 6 pack of Budweiser and a coupon for a free Big Mac? Most importantly one of our star contributors, Mo, will be on location at the draft providing riveting commentary, a running blog and possibly serving donuts to Bill Belichek (he loves those donuts).

The Michael Vick Experience

For those readers of this blog who were thinking of heading down to Atlanta to try and "score" with Michael Vick, make sure you know what you're getting into. He's got genital herpes!

http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/3521264

Yes, folks, that's right, by riding on The Michael Vick Experience, you've won a lifetime of scorn and shame by having a permanent and foul condition located right in your groin area!

Priceless...

Why Whiners Aren't Winners

"What can he do next year? Win another championship? Be the
M.V.P. again? It's boring. I'm nosy. I'd like to know why he's staying. Because
it's not the norm anymore."

-Vince Carter, on Sean May

Vin, Vinny, Vince, my man, you're an idiot. You took your team to two consecutive Final Fours and then opted out after junior year. You came in and took the NBA by storm in your first three seasons. Since then, you've been a crybaby, a whiner, a loser and a nobody. You quit on your team in Toronto and you admitted it. Now you're in New Jersey playing for a team that is anonymous in the league and in its own home market. You might be a millionaire but you're a worthless piece of shit. If winning one title and an MVP in the same season is enough for you to say that trying for another is "boring" then all I can say is I hope you never win a title just so you can stay focused and sharp. Keep on clawing back up the ladder of relevance pal, I'm sure this is more fun than, say, winning anything.

Sean May, if you're listening, don't take Uncle Vince's advice. It's great that you're staying in school. No matter what happens, you're a winner and they can't take that away from you. You're going to be the #1 draft pick in 2006 and you're going to be a better player in the NBA for sticking around with Coach Williams. Maybe one day when you and Vince are squaring off in The Show, you can let him know that you're still hungry to win because you've seen the top and you want more.

Baseball Predictions

After three tremendous victories in the form of divisional previews, I lost all control and completely blew my mission. Hey, sounds like the 2004 Yankees! With that, an abbreviated set of predictions:

AL East: Boston. At least over 162 games, the Red Sox will trump the Yankees.
AL Central: Minnesota. Keep an eye on Cleveland and Chicago though.
AL West: Anaheim (that's right, ANAHEIM) running away.
AL Wild Card: Yankees. No contest.

NL East: Florida. But if Burnett and Beckett can't stay healthy? Atlanta.
NL Central: The St. Louis F'in Cardinals.
NL West: Los Angeles Dodgers. No Bonds, no dice for the Giants.
NL Wild Card: Atlanta, very very narrowly over a host of teams, including the Cubs, Astros, Giants and Padres.

ALDS: Boston over Minnesota, Anaheim over New York. Sorry Mo - but if your buddy Mo Rivera doesn't get it together, your team can only get into October, and no further.
ALCS: Boston over Anaheim. Angels' lack of true pitching studs will finally catch up to them.

NLDS: Florida over St. Louis, Braves over Los Angeles. Watch as pitching carries the day.
NLCS: Florida over Atlanta. I hate the fish.

World Series: Could it be? Boston repeats.

The Wrong Guy Got the Axe (Sort of)

I’ve been so pre-occupied by the possibly the greatest NCAA Tournament in the history of mankind, I forgot to even mention the fact that Cleveland Cavaliers Coach Paul Silas got fired about 2 weeks ago.

I was kind of surprised, since there wasn’t much left in the season. Then again, there are a number of reasons why I wasn’t surprised.

1) Silas is so old-school, he refuses to even contemplate teaching his players how to play zone. Well, they weren’t allowed to do that when Silas was playing, so it just isn’t right obviously.

2) Silas is so old-school, that if you do something wrong, you get benched for multiple games. Unless you are lucky enough to be named Lebron or Zydrunas, at any moment you could be benched. The main reason the Cavs were so successful the first half of the season was that PG Jeff McInnis was playing fantastic – shooting 3s and running the offense better than he did when he was back at UNC with Stackhouse & Rasheed. BUT, McInnis hit the wall at the All-Star break, started to not shoot as well, and Silas just benched him.

3) Silas is so old-school, that when he gets frustrated during a game, he throws one hand up, throws it down in disgusts, and then just stares at his freshly shined shoes.
4) Lebron probably hated Silas.

But, it is important to note, that the person who REALLY deserved the blame for Lebron’s lack of support is GM John Paxson. As a member of the Paxson family, there is a certain amount of arrogance. I hate to reiterate Paxson’s track record, but it deserves repeating.

He traded a 1st round pick this year for Jiri Welsch who was shooting a blister 33% from 3-point land.
He traded a 1st round pick last summer for Sasha Pavolovic. I actually don’t mind Sasha except for some reason he doesn’t understand anything about playing defense.
Carlos “gave me his word” Boozer.
Trajan Langdon.
DeSagna Diop.

So, it’s only a matter of time until Paxson’s head rolls. The new Cavs ownership will not take this. In the words of the Cavs' new 1.2% owner, Usher: “Yeeah!”

Personally, I only wish the Cavs could have been a reality show this year. High hopes. Rookie Luke Jackson has back surgery. Benching Drew Gooden at random times. 2 All-stars. Trading for Jiri Welsch, who I’m sure is not friends with anyone on the team. New ownership group. Secret alliance by Paxson to have the coach fired. It would be sensational television!

In the end, Paxson will get fired, the new ownership will install a scouting department (the same fix will work for the Browns I hope), Lebron will get a supporting cast, and everyone will live happily ever after with a championship. I can dream. “Yeeah!”

The Champs!

.




And there was much rejoicing in the Cohen household, its good to be the king.

Newsflash

ESPN has apparently misplaced the Midwest, possibly due to an intern error. For those of you not currently residing in a landlocked area, after careful scientific study, there are people inhabiting the areas West of the Boston-New York-DC megalopolis. I'm uncertain if people would realize that since apparently baseball has contracted and has left only the Yankees and Red Sox to play or think about playing on another. After watching ESPN and Dan Patrick, the smarmy egotistical, unfunny, host of SportsCenter for several weeks I would be hard pressed to figure out who was in the World Series besides Boston ( the Saint Louis Cardinals) or if LA has a team (they technically have 1.5 ) or if the Windy City has electricty (yes but you still don't want to go to South side). So its easy to see how a spillover effect could lead one to bemoan not seeing the 2-3 zone of Syracuse or players so stupid that they leave a college campus to score some pot (UConn).

But I for one am fairly happy with Illinois v UNC. The two best teams all season squaring off for one game. Both up tempo style, both laden with NBA talent, both public schools (enjoy that while it lasts). Three keys the game : 1) Illinois: hot or not? UNC doesn't rotate well on defense, if Illinois can make them pay from 3 point land its all over ; 2) Rebounding - Louisville beat up Illinois on the boards pretty bad before they imploded. UNC is a far better rebounding team. Illinois can't give up too many second chance points; 3) Turnovers - Illinois beat Arizona by stealing the ball eleventy billion times in a row, UNC needs Raymond Felton to run the show.

Also since today is the start of baseball season here's my list of predictions. I'm sure the baseball crowd will have far better predictions but here goes:
AL EAST: Red Sox
AL CENTRAL: Twins
AL West: Angels
AL Wild Card: Yankees
AL Suprise Team: Detroit
NL East: Florida
NL Central: Cardinals
NL West: San Francisco
NL Wild Card: San Diego
NL Suprise: Hart catches a fly ball.

World Series: Red Sox over San Francisco (if Bonds returns, if not over the Cards)

Hicks v. Rednecks

U of I and UNC are now in the finals. This matchup will give central Illinoisan hicks and tobaccky-road North Carolinian rednecks somethin' to go a-hootin' an a-hollerin' about. I miss East Coast Bias. Wherefore art thou UConn and 'Cuse?

But seriously folks....

It should be a great game. I'm glad that Roy Williams is in the finals with a chance to win. I'm rooting for UNC because of Roy; I think he deserves to finally get that trophy.