Week 4 – Diagnosing the NFL's Health Issues

As we enter week 4 of the NFL season, we can make an early diagnosis of some of the teams’ health issues.

Manwich Mini-Burger Matchup of the Week –
Denver @ Indy- Note – this is a “Mini-Burger” matchup because there really aren’t any games deserving of a full-serving of Manwich this week. Not sure why Denver hasn’t really looked great in their victories or their losses. Maybe they need a reason to get excited? Now that they have Champ Bailey as one CB, and Dre Bly as the other CB, they probably think they can handle the Colts. Something tells me Indy won’t have a problem with Denver though. Denver diagnosis: Bloated ego. Prescription: Thorough beat-down courtesy of the Colts to re-focus themselves.
Pick: Indy

Upset of the Week –
Oakland @ Miami – Daunte has had the game circled on his calendar since the day he got picked up by the Raiders. The stars have aligned to allow Daunte Culpepper to start against the team that believed Culpepper could return in 9 months from tearing 3 knee ligaments, but that then wouldn’t believe he’d be healthy by the 21st month.
Oakland diagnosis: REVENGE. Prescription: MJ Rage Flakes (this may exacerbate the Revenge, which I think can be a good thing).
Pick: Oakland

Houston @ Atlanta – The Falcons appear to have an identity crisis, while their 2006 starter (Vick) is under house arrest and is preparing to go to prison, and their 2006 backup (Matt Schaub) is lighting it up in the AFC and now is set to embarrass the Falcons.
Atlanta diagnosis: Identity Crisis. Prescription: Shock therapy.
Pick: Houston

Baltimore @ Cleveland – I was watching an old Cosby show episode where Cliff Huxtable had an insane dream where men become pregnant. Cliff ended up giving birth to a gigantic hoagie sandwich and a two-liter bottle of orange soda. Almost 20 years later, I realized that Cliff’s messed up dream has become a reality. Crennel is moody, indecisive (flipping coins to choose his QB before the season begins), retaining water, and his man-breasts are getting larger every week.
Cleveland diagnosis: Coach Romeo Crennel is pregnant with TWIN party-sized submarine sandwiches.
Pick: Baltimore

Chicago @ Detroit – Griese finally gets a start for the Bears. This works out well too because something tells me that playing the Lions D is a lot easier than had Griese played the Cowboys last week.
Bears diagnosis: Broken head. Prescription: Head transplant
Pick: Chicago

NY Jets @ Buffalo – Buffalo is forced to start a rookie QB.
Buffalo diagnosis: Inexperienced and injured. Prescription: Wait ‘til next year.
Pick: NY Jets

Green Bay @ Minnesota – It appears as if Brett Favre is young again, and Kelly Holcomb is still Kelly Holcomb.
Pick: Green Bay

St. Louis @ Dallas – I think I heard that the Rams are going to be missing 3 offensive linemen this week… AND they are missing Steven Jackson!
Rams diagnosis: Injury Bug. Prescription: Quarantine and lots of Vitamin C.
Pick: Dallas

Pittsburgh @ Arizona –
Arizona diagnosis: Unclear who the leader is. Prescription: More Kurt Warner, b/c he’s a believer in religion, and he’s going to convert everyone in Arizona… into believers that he still has something left!
Pick: Pittsburgh

Tampa @ CAR – Well, sometimes destiny can be beautiful. Especially when the destiny says that the last 4 years, the NFC South last-place team has become the division champion the following season.
Tampa diagnosis: Sleep deprivation. Prescription: More Coach Gruden! The less he sleeps, the better they do!
Pick: Tampa

Seattle @ San Fran – I hope this is just a speed bump in the 49ers ride to the playoffs.
49ers diagnosis: Offensive impotency. Prescription: Viagra
Pick: Seattle

KC @ San Diego – I can only hope that Norv Turner has things back on track now. If the Chargers can’t stop the Chiefs they mine as well forget about the playoffs.
SD Diagnosis: Panic attacks. Prescription: Merriman commercials where he runs through every blocker to make 8 tackles in the longest 15 seconds ever invented.
Pick: San Diego

Philly @ NY Giants – I can’t believe the way the Eagles won last week or that the Giants even won a game last week. Not sure what to make of this game.
Philly diagnosis: unclear
Pick: Philly

New England @ Cincy – I can’t honestly make this a Manwich matchup. The Bengals are leaving at least Moss, Welker, or even D. Stallworth open on every play. The Bengals defenders can’t even focus their coverage on more than 1 receiver. It’s like they’ve got tunnel vision.
Bengals diagnosis: Stigmatism. Prescription: Glasses like Drew Carey for every player.
Pick: New England

Last Week: 9-7
Season: 29-19
Manwich: 3-0 (The Cowboys showed Rex Grossman who’s the boss of the NFC at the moment)Upset of the Week: 1-2 (I’m never saying an “upset of the pick” is easy. I’d like to thank Kelly Holcomb for not winning the game).