NHL Offseason Report Cards

I realize most people don’t like hockey, but NHL commissioner Gary Bettman called me up after seeing last week's NBA Offseason Report Cards. Bettman was jealous to say the least, and I got so sick of his whining, so I decided to put together… THE NHL OFFESEASON REPORT CARDS! I’m only going to highlight the well-known players, and I’m doing it by division, so that it’s somewhat helpful and educational.

Eastern Conference

Atlantic Division
Philadelphia Flyers
Lost: Jeremy Roenick, Danny Markov,
Acquired: Peter Forsberg, Derian Hatcher
Wow. I hate Philly’s GM, but I still have to grade him on the merits of his transactions, and whenever someone lands Peter Forsberg, that’s pretty excellent.
Grade: B (would have been an A, but I don’t like Philly, except for Will Smith and Rocky Balboa)

Pittsburgh Penguins
Lost: ???
Acquired: Sergei Gonchar, Ziggy Palffy, Mark Rechi, John LeClair, AND super-phenom 18-year-old Sidney Crosby
Adding 5 quality players certainly helps. Considering they won the lottery and acquired some decent players to attract fans and maybe make the playoffs, you can’t ask for much more.
Grade: A

Northeast Division
Boston Bruins
Lost: Sergei Gonchar,
Acquired: Brian Leetch, Glen Murray
Anytime you acquire multiple players from EA Sports NHL ’94, and lose out on one of the best defensemen in the league [Gonchar], well, that’s just not a very good off-season. I’m sure Boston will still manage to win their division, get a great seed, and lose to the Canadiens in the 1st round. They’ve done it the last 3 years.
Grade: D (NHL ’94 players can help sell tickets at least).

Buffalo Sabres
Lost: Alexei Zhitnik & Miroslav Satan (both went to the Islanders)
Acquired: QB JP Losman.
I’m recommending that Buffalo fans just stick with the Bills, because the Sabres are officially the worst team in the league now.
Grade: F

Southeast Division
Tampa Bay Lightning
Lost: G Nikolai Khabibulin
Acquired: ???
They still have Martin St. Louis, Vincent Lacavalier, as well as fellow Miami Redhawk Defenseman Dan Boyle (had to give a shoutout). They will still score a lot, but also give up a lot.
Grade: D-

Florida Panthers
Lost: ???
Acquired: Joe Niewendyk, Gary Roberts, & Martin Gelinas
They acquired all old guys… I couldn’t figure out, then ESPN told me that Mike Keenan is their GM. He must be reliving the early ‘90s.
Grade: D

Western Conference
Central Division
Chicago Blackhawks
Lost: ???
Acquired: G Nikolai Khabibulin, D Adrian Aucoin, Martin Lapointe,
Christmas in July in Chicago. They nabbed the best goalie on the market, maybe even the league. I still can’t believe Khabibulin left the defending champs. This would be like Tom Brady leaving after the 1st Super Bowl, when he was surrounded by a young, emerging team.
Grade: A

Columbus Blue Jackets
Lost: ???
Acquired: Adam Foote, Bryan Berard, Jan Hrdina
Maybe I should go down and check out a game. These guys could start to turn the corner, with super-scorer Rick Nash. The problem is the goalie, but then again, with the rule changes, that could be a problem for everyone. Anyways, their goalie is Marc Denis, who was Patrick Roy’s backup on Colorado. He must have learned something from being tutored by an insane genius.
Grade: A-

Nashville Predators
Lost: ???
Acquired: Paul Kariya, Danny Markov
Not bad at all, but they overspent on Kariya in hopes that the new rules will return him to his old form. It should (hopefully) bring some fans to the games though.
Grade: B+

Northwest Division
Calgary Flames
Lost: ???
Acquired: Tony Amonte, Darren McCarty, re-signed their goalie, Kiprusoff.
This was a team that made the Finals 2 years ago, and they actually were able to add to their team. AND they extended the contract of Jarome Iginla who was a man among children in the last full NHL Season.
Grade: A-

Colorado Avalanche
Lost: Peter Forsberg & Adam Foote & Paul Kariya
Acquired: Pierre Turgeon.
Ouch. Doesn’t look to good on paper at all, but this was inevitable with the salary cap. They do have some great young players in Alex Tanguay & Milan Hejduk, and of course Joe Sakic and Rob Blake.
Grade: C (they really had no choice. Their GM let 2 guys go, in order to keep all of the younger guys).

Edmonton Oilers
Lost:? ???
Acquired: Chris Pronger AND Michael Peca.
That’s just sick. These guys acquired 2 of the best players available!
Grade: A+++

Pacific Division
Anaheim
Lost: ???
Acquired: Scott Neidermeyer.
Already have: Rob Neidermeyer.
Simply a marketing strategy. Nintendo has already given out the rights for them to make Super Neidermeyer Shirts.
Grade: A- (they’ll sell tickets, and amazingly, Scott is still only 31. I still can’t believe that, because he posted a +34 back in 1994 when he was all of 20. That’s amazing.)

LA Kings
Lost: Ziggy Palffy
Acquired: Pavol Demitra, Jeremy Roenick, Valerie Bure
That’s a pretty good take. Granted, Roenick is insane, but in LA, no one cares about hockey so it shouldn’t be as much of a problem. Don’t know if Roenick can score as much as Palffy has of late, but at least he’s entertaining. Most of the fans in LA will think Valerie is Pavel Bure anyway, so that has to help ticket sales.
Grade: C+